#BlogLife93 - Birthdays

How do you feel about your birthday each year? Do you get excited, do you look forward to it? Is it a massive celebration? Or do you see it like I do?

Not a big deal, just an ordinary day. I'm getting older and I never really enjoyed the day. I didn't have many friends and when I tried to organise things, people didn't seem invested so I pretty much gave up.

I did something for myself, by myself and that was okay. It became my thing. Shopping, dinner, maybe some pampering. Dancing, whatever I felt like doing I would just get dolled up and go for it.

Now because me and mama share the same birthday month, we tend to have a beauty day, pedicures, massage and for me, brows.

Then we will either go out for a nice lunch or order something in and enjoy it. This year I guess I feel the same dread. I don't know why.

It's just an uncomfortable time. I guess I am supposed to be happy and counting down the days but I just want it over and done with.

We are planning to have our beauty day, which I postponed because I am not in the mood and then I'm going to go stay with her for a bit and chill out. 

I never know what to get her so I cheated and asked her what she needed. She replied that she is after a watch. 

I scoured through Amazon because red is her favourite colour and I saw a really pretty design and bought it, plus some nutty snacks.

I think it will be great to have a break from the randoms. One of them in particular ghosted me and it was kinda strange but not really.

He was going away for business for a while and he wanted me to download a messenger so we could keep in touch. He's another one with an irritating habit of using a work phone for a personal phone.

For me, I have 3 phones but only one sim card. The samsung one has the sim and that is what I used for calls and texts. The backups are for the gaming and asmr which I fall asleep too.

But when I use my phone, my number comes up and people can see, ahh yes, she called me, let me just return it. When I got called from a work phone or from someone claiming it is.

Private number is displayed and without a voicemail or text, that could be anybody. He has never texted, ever, just called so I don't text him either.

He has given me his number a few times but I don't/didn't copy it down because I thought what was the point? He didn't say call/text anytime.

It was more take it for reference or get a messenger! I hate messengers. I did have whatsapp years ago but if you go on there.....

It's the same thing all the time. Who are you again? What is your asl again? The same questions and answers all the time. Ugh I get so bored...

And men send me half a dozen pictures like I am interested, when I'm not... I really don't care. I see them all like faceless blobs and I'm thrilled with not knowing what they look like.

I think because meeting them, never crosses my mind so why do I need to know what they look like and why do they need to know how I am?

If they question my gender as a lot of them seem to get catfished. I just retort, hey, just ring me up, when I know you are going to do it and I'll prove it with my voice.

Anyway so the guy in question, we talked on the phone almost daily and emailed every day and he wanted to get together for drinks or lunch, said he was moving to London soon.

I think for me, I wouldn't go for a long distance thing because I have no trust and if I was to start dating I would want to get together often-ish or least have that option.

Also I told him that I hate the idea of meets but to even consider it, he would need to prove himself consistent. Over a period of a couple months.

I figure if I am going to put myself out there, you need to do it too. I need that person to be in regular contact, doesn't have to be daily but weekly definitely.

Plus if they say they are going to do something, then do it. I was umming and errring about downloading a messenger until I realised I could do it on my chromebook and it didn't have to clutter my phone.

The last thing he said was get it, here is my number. I said if I do this, hide your photo because I don't want to see it. We talked about that anyway and he said he was fine with it.

Tomorrow supposedly he sets off for abroad and he hasn't contacted me since. Maybe he was testing me to see if I would get it?

I think he should answered my question though. I just didn't bother downloading as what was the point and I sorta kinda maybe deleted the email with his number in it......Anyway..Oops!

I suppose I could have asked for it again but he has my email and my number and has said nothing so it doesn't seem like there is any point.

Shrugs. In the end I felt like he did the typical thing of..... Hmm so she has pulled away from me and wrote me off. Let me recruit her back and say what she wants to hear and that will entice her, so I can be the one to dump her???

As he did a complete turn around from saying.. I don't want a serious long term commitment. To saying...... Would you want to get married, settle down and grow old together????

I mean.......What the hell?? Be consistent, that is what I want. Even if I disagree. I prefer the truth. That way it is fair to everybody and people know where they stand!!

I don't want to get married. I don't believe in happily ever after, for me personally because these were my exact words to him...

It's not that I don't believe in commitment. I do but that is just too nice a dream. I don't ever think I would have that. I couldn't even get a faithful respectful boyfriend...

How could I get a hubby?? I'm beginning to think I want the friendship from a romance that I never experienced before rather than anything else.

I like the idea of being someone's first port of call but not their world just someone they can rely on and I could support also. Everything else seems complicated and unattainable.