#BlogLife106 - Crazy Self Therapy 5

Hey Doc, I'm back. It's been a few months and it's the same up and downess it always is but I'm just tired of it. I feel like my back is up and I am once more cautious.

It just seems like the danger comes from people I know rather than strangers. I should be able to trust and rely on them but I cannot.

I am so sick and tired of building my self esteem up, only for someone to come and walk all over me again as though I am nothing in their eyes!

It's like I stand up straight and puff out my chest and finally start feeling good about myself and my accomplishments and someone just points at me and sneers..

Or worse still they treat me as though I don't matter and are not worth their time. I am struggling once more to feel happy about myself.

Every single time I encourage myself to open up and give a piece of me away, it's just treated with contempt.

What on earth is the point of trying to connect or trusting someone or trying at all when I get the same feedback??

I need to regroup and strengthen my high walls again because I am at the point where I believe them again.

What if they are right about me?

What if it really is better that I don't communicate?

What if I am a nobody?

What if my words, insights, feelings and thoughts are inconsequential and are not worth caring about?

Alright you shared a lot today and that was commendable but here is my take on it. I understand why you are feeling this way.

We have been through a long tough road together and the different pitfalls of all your combined family/friends/romantic relationships haven't always been healthy..

However I still maintain we have made significant progress on that front. There have been times, where you have made the effort and it has paid off.

Do what you need to get back to feeling worthwhile but in the meantime, just think carefully before you burn all of your bridges.

Either way I am on your side and will support any decision you make. It is acceptable to cry. Everyone is devalued at times and it is part of life to feel lost and alone.

Although nobody has the right to make you feel that way! Before we end this session, you are going to list your highlights in front of me.

1. Composed a book all by myself and then completed it.

2. Had a dream and book 2 was born and I am writing it out.

3. Started volunteering and I reach people that at times, others do not.

4. Experimented with a lot of platforms until I found a home on Blogger.

5. Learned to cut and style my own hair.

6. Took a chance and let others in and made friends/acquaintances.

7. Transitioned into a healthier state by becoming a teetotalist. Avoiding excess salt/sugar and trying out more vegan/vegetarian alternatives.

8. Removed toxic/wishy-washy people from my life.

9. Winning fabulous prizes in competitions ranging from Money/Giftcards/Mobiles/Premiere Tickets/Hampers.

10. Saving a fortune by bargain hunting, negotiating and product testing high quality items that I get to keep and benefit from using.

11. Prioritising my safety by avoiding physical/emotional situations that involve bullies and danger.

12. Surviving everything that I have been through and continue to battle. PTSD, health, confidence crisis, verbal attacks, belittling and being ignored.

You're right Doc, I feel a whole lot better! I am a somebody and although I may not be conventionally normal. I am a smart, tough cookie who can make it through anything!

:)