#BlogLife336 - I'm nice, are you?

I always struggled to get close to people. I felt like I was invading their territory or not able to be myself and freely express what I needed too.

There was a barrier up and still is. I thought it would be easier with family but they were untrustworthy and cruel.

During this time of apathy and unsupportiveness I was blaming myself.

I thought that if I devoted more time to them and sacrificed my requirements, that they would treat me better.

Instead they used me and took me for granted. This is where the inner conflict came.

Should I be patient? Should I cut them off?

As a decent person I told myself I was being too judgemental and I should give them the benefit of the doubt.

But their disrespectful behaviour escalated. I felt so proud stating..

You said you were thinking about me, however that wasn't the case, else you would have contacted me.

Texts, emails and calls are so easy when you're invested. When you're obligated that's when it's hard work to keep in touch.

I got tired of the lies. Nobody is forcing you to keep in contact halfheartedly.

I choose nothingness rather than forced polite chitchat lacking heart and warmth.

It's made ne not want to display my softer side or realise that I would like to spoil someone and take care of them..

But only if they prove themselves first. I've reached my limit of dealing with people who use me, when it suits them. 

On a further bizarre note. The situation I was dealing with resolved itself, for now anyway.

I opened the weekends mail altogether today and read the letter that made no sense, when they were busy accusing me of randomness and saying we're turning our backs on you.

That was on the phone and now the letter contradicts that and says, well we realised something had changed (it hadn't).

But all is well again and things can get back to normal. I'm just relieved I don't have to take any further action.

Oh and lastly, there is someone that keeps looking at my phone while I'm accessing personal emails/texts.

It's really cringey..... Why would you do that?? Look elsewhere. I have to access it in front of him to get some details but you don't have to look at my bloody phone and read it.

Ewwwww!!!!