Before I let you go..

I couldn't say it before. Couldn't even think it but it is finally time to say goodbye. Years have passed but I held it in, pseudo grieved. 

I didn't cry at your funeral, didn't cry after. A whole year had to pass by before I felt any sort of loss which made me feel so screwed up and guilty. 

Why wasn't I crying? When they did come, it was all at the worst possible undignified places. At a course, at the optician, all in public to a bewildered audience who were stunned into statues, waiting for it to pass.

We had a bittersweet bond. When you were nice you were so animated and jovial. Lit up any room you walked into but when you were cruel, you were devastating and left a wake of destruction. Sowed seeds that crippled my psyche.

Were you trying to be a bigshot? Were you trying to be cruel? Were you heartless? Or did you assume it was all to motivate me into being acceptable in your eyes? 

I never really confronted you until the end. My friends laughed and dismissed it when I said I would cut you out of my life if you didn't apologise and start showing me some respect but I meant it.

Do you know how sick and tired I was of being everyone's verbal punching bag? Why couldn't you be more like....? Why don't you....like they do? 

See, just between me and you.......those people you so admired? Were utter wrecks. They didn't love themselves, didn't even respect what they saw in the mirror but I did. 

I may not have turned out the way you wanted but at least I didn't make anyone feel unworthy of love/respect.

Those people you were insulting me in front of.........I wonder what they would have thought of you if they knew you were afraid of your own children. 

That they threatened and intimidated you and instead of turfing them on the street you let them stay and torture us all to death.

You know what I wanted from you? I wanted you to be proud and accept me as I was. A gentle soul who just wanted to grow and learn. 

I was afraid to talk, afraid to fail, afraid to be myself because I was never good enough for you and ultimately me.

While the other two were high on drugs, running up bills using your credit cards, having wild parties and threatening violence. I was giving you all my money for rent, leaving no money to socialise. 

I was taking care of you. I was starving because there was no money left for me to buy my own food, just yours. No breakfast, no lunch, just dinner if I was lucky. 

I was the responsible caring one but did you appreciate it or show me any gratitude?

No because I couldn't do anything right in your eyes. I somehow became the untrustworthy one. 

The one who couldn't win no matter how hard I tried and the one you blamed for their actions.

We may be related and I did have to love you but honestly. The real truth is.......I didn't like you a lot of the time. I prefer to think of you when I was a child and you were someone I admired.

I get it, I know you were too afraid to confront them, so you thought, hey I know.....Why don't we pick on the person who has no guard. 

She can continue to take all our criticism and our frustrations and our anger because she is nothing. In fact, the harder she tries to gain our love and respect is the more we will just be disappointed and show indifference.

By the time you wised up, realised you needed me that maybe the people badmouthing me had their own agenda and shouldn't be believed, well irrevocable damage had set in.

I didn't turn my back on you but neither did I want to be around you.

I wasn't the thief you accused me of being. I wasn't stupid or ugly. I wasn't out of mind on drugs or alcohol. I just wanted a tiny bit of sunshine in my life. 

I ran your errands, cooked and kept you company and I was crippled in pain throughout it all.

Did you know that nearly all the boyfriends I had cheated on me and were quick to point out that I was mediocre? Did you also know that for the first time in my life I briefly dated a married man?

It went against all my principles but I hated myself and my life so much that even he was better than nobody. I wasn't in love. I'm not even sure I was in-like but I was lonely, empty and someone was finally saying nice things to me.

I just wanted someone decent to be there to talk to. He didn't make me feel like I didn't have any value in this world. Imagine a total stranger being more accepting than my own parents..

I guess the point of this is to say, you weren't without flaws either. Nobody is perfect so I'm not sure why I was expected to be?

I still find it hard to talk and let people in. Do you know the real reason I didn't want kids? I was afraid they would turn out like my brothers. 

Evil monsters with no conscience who hurt for the sake of hurting and felt no remorse and couldn't see the importance of self reflection.

I don't want to get married. I don't want a boyfriend. I don't want to date. All I want is peace. The sound of silence. No more criticisms. 

Like I said, the damage is done. I can't form healthy relationships. I don't trust anyone. I can't be vulnerable.

I'll just leave you with this final thought. Imagine being so full of self delusions that you didn't realise your own daughter would rather escape this world before she has reached adulthood than be around her own family. 

Over and over until I accepted my fate to be trapped in a living nightmare.

I don't know about you but I feel much better.

Bye Bye.