PTSD (fiction)

I pour water into all the diffusers scattered around the house. The colours intermittently form a soft glow, red, orange, blue, purple, green, white and so forth every few minutes. 

I know we both love citrus so I put orange and lemon in the diffusers and the whole place smells so fresh, summery and uplifting.

Close your eyes for a minute and breathe in the scent. It breaks my heart to see you in this much pain but I'm here to take care of you. 

I know about the insomnia, the nightmares, the panic attacks and the pain. When I stayed over last night I heard you pacing back and forth. I also heard the screams and the tears.

Is it always like this? Why didn't you say something? I thought it had passed. It happened so long ago but judging by your face, it seems more like it happened recently.

Did you talk to anyone about it? I know it's difficult and you don't want to face it but it's a big part of your life. It affects you and there is no use pretending it doesn't. 

I wish that you could forget it as well but it doesn't happen like that. You can't instantly wish away the magnitude of it all.

I pour you a steaming hot cup of cocoa and watch transfixed as you stir it slowly letting the liquid swirl as the powder disintegrates. I know you're avoiding looking at me. 

You still see yourself as this superhuman but you don't have to bear the brunt of it alone, you can ask for help anytime without being judged or appearing anything less than the sweet able person you are.

I know you struggle with asking, that somehow you think it's your responsibility to deal with it alone but you can still be supported and I can lend an ear whenever you need it.

I watch as you lean back on the sofa and take a deep breath. The wrapper crinkles as I open the box of chocolates and rustles as I slide the paper aside to offer you the first selection from the delicious crunchy nutty selection of premium milk chocolate minis. 

From smooth sticky caramels to chewy nougats to soft truffles. These are what you deserve. I see a hint of a smile playing on your lips as you nod in gratitude and select a soft textured praline. 

Now that you're a little more comfortable I proceed to coax you carefully. I cover your hand in mine and squeeze it ever so gently.

What part of your body is hurting at the moment? Your hands huh? Oops. Have you been using your heating pack? Why not? 

I remember you said it helped. You lost the sleeve? You can still use it, just lay flat and place it on the affected area.

Tell me about the nightmares. Quit stalling. I nod. I think that's normal in these sort of circumstances. 

You're being chased and just as you're about to be caught, you wake up or sometimes, people around you are being hurt but you're helpless and unable to help. 

I understand these dreams are born out of stress? Afterwards you feel unsafe and afraid and can't face going back to sleep so you lay awake and listen to music, play games or watch movies.

Keep telling yourself that you are safe and not in any danger and that the doors are locked and noone is hiding in the shadows out to get you. 

I can see tears forming on the edges of your eyelashes and I get up to bring another treat. I ask you to lean forward and I bring out a cushion massager on full heat and slide it behind your back.

It whirs and rotates soothing your back instantly. I also place the cold pack on your hands contrasting with the heat.

You finally look at me and I know that you're too choked up to speak but I know that you're starting to feel better. 

You lean your head on my shoulder and I put my arm around you and tell you that you don't need to speak for a while. Let's take a break.

I reach for my phone, scroll through my playlists and play the asmr beach sounds. Crashing waves, footsteps walking in the sand and a bucket and spade building sandcastles. 

We stay motionless for twenty minutes before I continue. What about these panic attacks? They are not solely from the nightmares? 

I didn't think so. Certain sounds, sights and thoughts bring it on? You're immobilised by fear? Can't move? Can't see? Can't breathe? That must be terrifying. I'm so sorry.

Try and take a deep breath if you can, listen to soft music and repeat the same messages over and over until you can open your eyes again. 

I'm going to be alright. I'm going to get through this. It will pass. I can deal with it.

You're not crazy or being melodramatic. What you went through was horrendous. It almost destroyed you but it didn't. 

Remember that it's natural to still be emotional and haunted. Life will never be the same but you can adapt and move forwards as best as you can.

When all else fails just remember, you have a kickass strength of character, an unwavering moxie and a killer sense of humour. 

That's why you're dearly loved, now quit hogging the choccies..Mmmm