#BlogLife270 - Dear L

I'm sorry that I don't have it in me to talk just yet. I don't want you to worry or feel bad, it's just hard to explain.

You see when someone makes me feel bad, I think about the other times that people made me feel unsafe.

I don't know why this time is different but somehow, a lot of memories are just coming up, one after the other and it's just too much to deal with.

I thank you for your patience and kindness. I'm just a bit messed up at the moment and I can't seem to get back to how I was.

This is why I tend to disappear for a while and not say anything because I'm just trying to make sense of it, or just take a break from feeling like I am too lost, unhappy, depressed and scared.

I'm trying to focus on a couple of stories but I'm struggling to write these happy funny stories because I feel burdened with ghosts from the past.

I don't know how to say it and make it clear. It's like being followed around by a phantom and this being is shouting abuse and calling me names and it won't leave me alone, it won't disappear, it won't stop pursuing me.

I'm not ignoring you on purpose. I just don't have the strength to talk. I would never just cast you aside, as though you didn't matter to me.

But having space to myself, this is my coping mechanism, this is how I start to feel better. This and music.

It's helping but I keep thinking about bad experiences and every time I feel better, some other painful thought comes into my head and it's making me step back.

You're in my thoughts and I hope that you and hubby are well and finding things to smile about.

I'll be back but not yet. I have to look after myself.

Take care

(((((hugs)))))