#BlogLife278 - Are you a psycho or a sociopath?

My head is in pieces. I can't even come up with a title for this post. I've been mostly resting and listening to music but something has been trying to piece together.

It just didn't want to finalise yet. It's a thing I have to say but maybe I've already shared it, how is this time different?

I don't want to make excuses. I figure I was adored as a baby by everyone but him, he was jealous.

As the second child, I guess I got the attention. I was told he despised it, even took a scissors to my hair. I don't know the extent but that's not normal is it?

Then because I was animated and looking for someone to share my joy and antics I admired him and wanted him to like me and spend time with me.

But as I grew older and became aware of my surroundings and what was really going on. I discovered his antipathy towards me.

I didn't understand. I told myself to be better. Not to make mistakes, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing but no matter what, I just made him angrier.

The harder I tried, the more he told me to shush, the more he chased me and made fun and ridiculed me.

I don't remember my parents telling him to stop. I recall wondering.. 

Why was I was such a terrible person?

I started to get really afraid. The aggressive tones, the hatred directed at me. The dismissals. 

The only time, that he appeared to be civil, when was the other nightmare child was born or when others were around. 

Neither of them misbehaved outdoors ever. They were extremely careful at how they were perceived.

It's like the eldest figured the only way to be included in our carefree playing was to act nice to me.

It worked for a bit and then he would snap and turn the other against me.

I would run and run and run for my well being. Lock myself away for my welfare. I never goaded him.

By that time I figured one day. he will catch me and kill me. It will be done and over.

Then I observed him when we socialised outside of the home. He was respectful, well mannered and happy.

While I stood in the corner, petrified to move or speak. He charmed everyone and nobody suspected what a maniac he was.

I don't know at what point he started with drugs but I know anything could set him off, even before he started using.

I know when my parents divorced. I was relieved, he opted to stay behind and I thought maybe I'll survive after all.

But then he came to spend time with us and then I didn't want to leave my room anymore.

I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to loathe myself because I hadn't figured out yet, that the problem wasn't me.

All this time, all these tears later.. I thought.. I assumed that there was something wrong with me.

I think I was a teenager when I worked it out. That I was normal. That it was him but by that time, it was too late.

I was depressed and fearful.

"Don't embarrass me!"

I remember those words ringing in my ears. He said it but others thought it. 

I wondered how was I supposed to act? What was the acceptable topic to discuss?

Then the other one started on drugs and this time. I just wanted it to end.

I didn't know what was expected of me but I just couldn't seem to change, to appease, to be tolerable.

People enquired about them, as though they were decent and human. They thought I was the peculiar one.

How dare I not speak to them. How dare I stand up for myself. How dare I become frustrated.

Everyone made them out to be saints and I was the sinner. I was the bad seed. I didn't belong and they told me so.

I'm happy to say that I no longer hate myself but I'm still hiding.

I step back when someone is shouting. I retreat. I switch off. I'm impossible to locate.

When someone invades my space and antagonises me. I leave. I escape to find safety.

I haven't felt free for a while now. I haven't talked much. There have been no randoms.

I've been throwing myself into writing but today I am looking over my shoulder.

Unsavoury dreams are plaguing me. I am being hunted. I am in danger.

Goodbye peace, you were the only thing keeping me sane.