#BlogLife266 - He/They broke me (Reader discretion is advised)

Her name was Nazarena she was a shy girl looking for her first big break. She had helped with the family businesses but now it was time to branch out on her own.

She applied for the Personal Assistant role as it said no experience required and thought it would be a good stepping stone.

His name was Javier and he asked her for an evening interview which was unusual but she figured maybe this was the only time he could spare.

Scouring her wardrobe she found a red skirt and blouse that looked smart and professional. Nervous energy had her pacing and watching the clock.

What do I say? I'll just wing it, she shrugged in the mirror and grabbed her bag. He stood up to meet her and shook her hand.

She briefly looked at him and then turned away, her face was red because her mind was blank, he was firing questions already before she could take a sip or pause for a single thought.

She stammered and he prompted her impatiently. She bit her lip and looked away flustered. Finally he stopped, satisfied with her last answer.

She closed her eyes and breathed hard, unable to stop her hands from shaking, her face from burning. This wasn't going well at all.

He said let's go and she scrunched her face in confusion, so that was it? He said let's talk some more at my place and her brain screamed NO but she didn't want to go home either.

She nodded, unable to say Yes. He could see she was troubled and advised her to open up, if not to him, then someone else, maybe a professional but she scoffed and said that's for nutty people.

He took offense, he was angry having undergone various therapies so she apologised but didn't mean it, maybe he needed help but she didn't.

His place was cramped and messy, she wondered if he was crazy enough to assume she would provide a maid service. Hah, he was mistaken.

He attempted to lie about his age and shave 10yrs off and she laughed hard while he grew defensive. Finally conceding, she was no fool.

She remained vague throughout the evening, giving clipped answers. He was happy enough to ramble on and on though.

He offered her a drink and was annoyed when she didn't offer to do the washing up, she apologised again but didn't have any feeling behind it.

She realised she was afraid of confrontation, how even on television she would pause it and grab a drink or compose herself and then hit play.

She began to feel tired and he said, come lay down for a bit and then I'll drive you home. She didn't want to and warned him not to try anything and he agreed.

They were both fully clothed but she was rigid and unable to relax. The next part.... She whispered...

As though the memory cuts in and out. Suddenly he was naked and on top of her and he stripped her, then took her virginity and she couldn't fight him off.

She screamed and pounded on his back, tried to kick, tried to push him off and after a while, he stopped.

He didn't kiss her or stroke her hair or try to get her in the mood or apologise, he just said it's done, get dressed, I'll take you home now.

She told me, she called a friend and said afterwards, she had curled up into a tight ball and cried.

She blamed herself because, she had gone to his house and got in his bed. Even though she said NO and begged him to stop.

Her friend said...... Oh looks like you finally had sex then, she didn't seem concerned it wasn't consensual. She wasn't asking how she was but made it seem NORMAL.

My friend said she could never bring herself to say it was the r word or assault but simply that she was naive and trusted a mentor.

She never physically saw him again but he called inviting her over, multiple times, as though they were dating and everything that happened was mutual. 

Her brain just couldn't process any of it, so she did the only thing that she could and rationalised, that it must have been unconventional but routine.

She never spoke of it or accused him of any wrongdoing, she just talked in that vague way of hers and then eventually blocked his number for treating her like some sort of object.

She never told anyone else, just me. One of the last things she said was....I'll never count that as my first time!

Her face overran with tears and the saddest eyes I have ever seen. She answered the question, I couldn't bring myself to ask..

Why she got into bed with him? In the softest quietest voice possible she said...

"I just wanted to be held. I just wanted someone to care about me."

Her voice completely broke down when she said she wanted to feel safe. After that I couldn't hear anything she uttered, she was sobbing to hard.

In her mind she wasn't a victim because she was already dead inside. Her flesh was exposed but everything else was sealed tightly.

I told her it wasn't her fault but she remained haunted, told me never to bring it up again and then she left and I never saw her again.

She was just 17 years old at the time and he was 38 years old.

Sex, men, dating relationships were never the same after that. It's like her body was already tainted.

Every time she was with a man, it's like her mind was somewhere else.

She flinched and ran and hid and continues to remain in the shadows.

Don't apologise, don't touch her, don't look at her, just leave her be.

Please be safe!