#BlogLife509 - Dics out to get me....

Oh wow. I am beyond thrilled. I checked my emails and I've been hoping that I was going to get rejected for an unsuitable extortionate scheme that Dic set me up with.

I think they wanted a £1k upfront or maybe half that so I sabotaged some of it, to make myself look a lil bad but not so that it was evident or too obvious.

And I got the news today that I had been told I was unsuccessful. What a relief. 

I did not want to do something that would have been a lasting detriment to my physical and mental wellbeing. 

And I felt trapped and he forced me into it, not for my benefit but for his own.

He confessed that he's been working there for 2 years and this is the first time he's been excited to involve me in something.

I tried not to scoff as I said I have seen loads of opportunities around.

He is just the most unqualified person to lean on or get any insight from.

I can explain it to anyone else that I need people to be aware that I need certain changes to be made when I undertake something.

I don't want to do something halfway and leave because it's too physically demanding and everyone else except Dic, understands that!!!

I spoke to one of the randoms that I had a phone chat with and I might as well be talking in a foreign language.

Whenever I say, I just want a casual chitchat. I'm not looking to meet up or get a romance started..

They agree to the terms and then act strangely afterwards as though I led them on.... Dodos!!

Why couldn't he have just said..... That's for being clear with me, I thought it might progress further but I can see you're not interested, lets be acquaintances or let's not talk anymore.

I accept either but just to behave clingy and weird is just ughhh.

He was asking if I missed him (ick), and that we get on too well for me to block him....... Pffft!!

Then he said I love you........ Cringe!!!! Followed by just joking. That's one of the worst things you can say to me.

I take the L word declarations very seriously, hence why I have never said it to a guy and it's not something to say to just anyone.

I think people over use the term frankly. It loses that specialness when said daily.

It's almost like saying..... Byeee. That's just my opinion, I would save it for special occasions.

Anyway he was behaving so oddly that I eventually blocked him. In some ways he was fine but in other instances..

He was just a complete downer. I felt like he would look to me for support or to cheer him up or fix him or some crap like that.

My policy is help your damn self first, nobody else can do that for you.

I did, I worked on myself, I am still trying to improve myself and for those that don't do it but complain and why wonder their lives suck.....

I have very lil sympathy for them. Sorry but part of it is your own fault.

Look for the lil joys in life, focus on a routine, surround yourself with decent people.

Try to understand your own needs and have any sort of emotional outlet where you can be yourself.

If you need help, then see a Doctor, maybe some need medications to kick start self-improvement.

Find what works for you, don't focus on anybody else. But he didn't want to do any of that, he just wanted to wallow in self pity.

I tried to give him various pieces of advice and he just said Oh sounds good, that's interesting but didn't even attempt anything.

I'm not saying I have all the answers. I'm not saying do as I tell you too.

I know that I have been there, in those dark lonely places but I have also pulled myself out of it.

I know what worked for me and if you're stuck and not doing anything, you're going to stagnate and be awful to be around.

I am in a place where I can be honest. I can say I'm having a lousy day or this may be the most depressing blog I've ever written.....

I could be angry or crying through the whole experience but I also realise as soon as I him Publish....

Half or maybe more than that melts away and there is an immediate release of the power it had over me.

Nine times out of ten, I really do feel better and more able to tackle it.