#BlogLife79 - Uncreative sparks (mature audiences only)

For the past couple of days I haven't felt really imaginative. I don't feel unhappy although the pmt is making me extra sleepy and just when I want to rest more..

I just feel even more awake. That isn't helping and I have had cramps off and on but all that I can deal with. I just wish I felt more ideas flowing through me.

Yesterday was a dud day. I didn't feel like I accomplished much so today I turned it around and achieved a lot more so much so that I forgot to eat.

I am just sliding a pizza in the oven now. Just between you and me I met someone new and he is too entertaining for my liking. Why is that an issue?

The reason is, he and I text practically nonstop and there are even calls when he has priorities and I do too but we just seem to make the time for it.

I don't bump into someone new and think yes, yes, yes. I think let's wait and see who he will turn out to be. I reserve what I can and sprinkle snippets into the conversation.

I see how he reacts and if he takes an interest or delves deeper into it. I told him about the blog and the books and he wanted to peruse them and I declined.

Then time passed and I thought. I feel just fine about it so I offered the links and shrugged. It will always be difficult to offer up a piece of myself.

However despite twinges of unease. I didn't feel pressured or obligated to share it. I realised that throughout our time, he actually asks more personal questions than I do.

Not intruding things. I mean more like get to know you, enquiries. I deferred the ones that I wasn't comfortable with and revealed the rest.

But I am usually the talker. The one trying to unearth someone, even though most of the time I don't get very far. This time I guess he took the lead.

To be honest, I'm not mad about it. I'm kinda thrilled about it because whether or not he is just playing me or collecting information to use against me..

I feel like it is preparing me to be more open in the future. I will eventually find out if his motives are pure in any case. I always do.

So far there has only been one thing disturbing me. Another thing that is unusual is I can tell him stuff without feeling any sort of regret. I've explored my feelings and admitted a fair bit.

It's not really typical of me and the more I do it, the happier and more content and secure I feel. As though it unlocks a part of me that I judged myself for feeling.

I think growing up in a conservative religious family screwed up my head about a lot of things. It was sinful and wrong and not what a good girl does or feels.

There is a whole classic element that if you act a certain way, you get called a certain thing but if you reclaim it and say, you know what, actually that thing I like feeling, doing, saying..

It isn't bad, it isn't unhealthy. It is just something I like. It's normal. Some like this, I like that. I never kinda questioned it this deeply before.

But I suppose through talking to someone non judgemental and who supports and frequently compliments me and makes me feel safe.

I got thinking about all of it. That I shrug things off and forget that I ever said them and deny them later when in fact I knew exactly what I was saying.

Also not having healthy relationships and dating such awful men did not make me feel secure about telling them anything about my own actual desires.

I realised I focused solely on them and my voice once more disappeared and they were happy with that because they didn't care about me, they cared I was female, that was it.

The few men that I did confide in didn't see that I have to choose to be that way. They can't make me bend to their will or have my focus on them entirely.

I have to make the decision to be how I want but when I want too. Not for them and just because I will be acting or saying certain things, does not mean it's a 24-7 deal.

Why does it have to be all or nothing? Why can't I sometimes act in a way that makes me feel fulfilled and then other times just be like my more usual self??

The one thing I know for damn sure is that everything to do with me will be on my own terms, not theirs. It's my life and it is my body!