#BlogLife53 - Caring Vs Uncaring

 Afternoony all :)

I hope I didn't scare any of you away with the #BlogLife51 post but as you know I find it healthier for me to explore my feelings rather than bottle them up.

This is after all our safe space :) I thought I would explain something I said in #BlogLife50..

"I am caring on a clock, once the time is up.. I am sorry I don't give a damn. I have my own stuff to contend with."

I am not sure how you interpreted that but I would like to delve further into it. Most people have, give and take mutual strength relationships.

I do not. Person A get's to be vulnerable and low and Person B comes along to provide an ear and give them the confidence and tools to help them get back on their feet.

Then it can go vice versa so they are both getting a boost and getting to unburden their feelings in a calm environment. 

I have always had to prop myself up and do whatever it took to carry on. All people did was constantly come to me and offload their problems, so they felt better.

When it was my turn to get the same care and consideration. There was no time and effort or if there was it was soooo unusual that I was able to dismiss them easily because it felt weird to me.

They were always relieved to scarper so it proved my point, time and time again.

I was always being made to feel like they were doing me a favour by listening instead of it being natural and a thing that healthy friendships/relationships should do automatically.

If you see someone you truly care about in pain, shouldn't you want to reach out? Unless of course they tell you they need space.

Then if it was me. I would say. I respect your wishes. I am concerned about you but just know I will be here anytime you need me.

Now that I am volunteering. I have to be strong for other people whether they are genuine or not. However because I am taking on their stress and getting horrendous discussions from males also.

I occasionally have to step back and check in on myself. Make sure that I am alright because nobody else does. If you have thoughtful people around you, you can let go of your turmoil.

You can probably go a lot longer than I can. It is impossible for me to do the same though. I am already pulling away from those reaching out as I refuse to rely on anyone else now.

I have spent so long looking after myself, I don't think I can let anyone near me for that long.

If you need me, I will be around. I will do what I can. I respond to after hour chats because some are fragile and I am happy to do that.

If though, it comes down to a choice between you or me? I choose me every time.

I know that it doesn't seem nice or fair or reasonable to be selfish but I can only give so much until I burn out and there is nothing of me left.

No creativity. No smile. No peace. No laughter, the thing that brings me out of a funk, every time.

You get to feel better after I have listened. Who makes me feel better?

I guess I wanted you to know that there are reasons why I am the way I am.

It is hard for me to be open and it feels like it took me half my life to realise that it was alright to put myself first for a change. To love myself and know that I am equally as precious as you are :)