#BlogLife55 - Approaching the unapproachable

If I describe myself I would never use words like popular or self assured or untrustworthy.

I would rather just be straight forward. I am prickly, reserved and disconnected. 

It actually surprised me that although I wasn't a people person. I am pretty damn good at reaching more than half the people that request me.

I figured out why and that is because I don't or I choose not to give any or much of myself away. I can be there. I can be useful and we can brainstorm.

But I am not turning myself inside out for you and I am not giving any further reports. We are not friends or acquaintances so I am invested but not completely.

If you are curious about the ones that I don't assist? Those are the ones misusing the app for dating/flirting/hookups/lewd behaviour.

Also some bark questions or they seek advice without wanting to explore the problem. I can do my best but if you are not willing to meet me halfway and help yourself.

I cannot either...

I think one to one's are less intimidating. Although I held my own also at the mixer and cracked people up.

I just commented on areas that I had extensive experience or knowledge regarding. 

If someone needs answers I can provide that without pressure. 

I think the problem lies when someone encroaches on my personal space.

They try to get to know me and in the beginning I can accept that but then I just want to ditch them.

Without realising it, I question everything. That is when the tests play out. 

Do I think it is fair to test someone without warning them? Hmm probably not but it's accurate! 

I do not like or trust people this is why I do this to weed out anyone unsuitable. 

Here are the tests. 

Does this person listen well and retain information I've shared? 

Does this person acknowledge something vulnerable I've told them? 

Does this person initiate and maintain the correspondence? 

Does this person show me I can rely on them and be equally supported? 

Does this person give me space? 

Is this person genuine? 

Does this person understand that I will give off hints and see if they can act accordingly?

Does this person give any of themselves to me? As in, when I ask a question, do they pack details into the reply and go further into different matters?

I can't think of anything else and I would never lean on someone straight away. 

I just wonder if the option will present itself. 

I think I've had so many suffocating and disingenuous people around me that I feel lighter when I'm alone. 

There is nobody clawing at me, demanding this, that or the other. 

I'm an expert bolter. If I'm in a chatroom I can deal with flirting because that is the environment and it's hand in hand with having a laugh. 

If I am anywhere else and someone comes close and they offer friendship I can tolerate that for a while. 

However if they then start flirting and change the dynamic. I do not like it. 

It just went from a safe space to interacting in an unknown territory. 

Now I feel trapped and there is an onslaught of questions and whoever is invading my personal space keeps creeping closer. 

That is when I escape because they have done nothing to reassure me that I'm still safe and that they will respect my boundaries.

I have to feel secure. I need to be able to breathe and wander around freely.

If you are still wondering why my attitude is so extreme towards people and entanglements.. It is because each time someone turns out to be unsuitable..

It just makes me feel bad about myself. I question whether I am lovable or maybe deep down I am just a bad person that doesn't deserve to be happy.

If I feel you are temporary. I will protect myself and start to distance away from you. 

I'm not looking for lifelong friends. I'm not searching for anything to be honest.

But I know that for me to be acquaintances, the above rules apply. 

I will take every precaution to avoid being hurt. As I cannot upset the daily balancing act of my life. 

Being in constant physical pain. Wanting to shut out memories of being in danger. Not sleeping and then when I do reliving the terror of being pursued.

I can only ever give short bursts of time because that is what I am comfortable with. Anymore and I feel you will take advantage. 

Now having said all that which I do not regret. I do wholeheartedly adore you readers because by showing up and being intrigued by my crazy thoughts you support me.

Your interest tells me that it is alright to be who I am and to express anything extreme that I need to, in order for me to heal.

I adore you and I can't thank you enough. I would just like to add one last thing. Don't think for a moment it has escaped my notice, that by you enjoying all the insane posts, you are just as twisted as I am!!!!!

Pfft. I am not buying your sweet and innocent act for a moment. I know there is a lil psycho rage in all of us :D