#BlogLife47 - Helping by not helping

Dear Dr K.

Thank you doesn't seem adequate enough. 

I just realised something. For somebody who said he was busy and didn't have much time to spare....

You dropped everything, took an hour and supported me. I mean me, the woman who doesn't have anyone. 

Why the hell did you do that?

You could have just said meh, tomorrow or someone else will handle it but no you stepped in and I kept pushing you away. 

I shared a fraction. I encouraged you to leave and enjoy your weekend but it was as if you knew my tricks and dismissed them easily. 

I'm really not used to it and when I knew you were staying.. 

I opened up partially and then completely. 

I kept waiting for you to say. I was wrong and I mishandled it but you didn't. 

You said I took it in my stride to some degree.

You said that after what I experienced, most people would have uninstalled the app.

Was I self serving? Should I have insisted you leave? I don't know. 

It feels like for all those people I assisted, the two I didn't cancels it all out. 

Am I cut out for this if I can't do it properly? Will I continue to make errors and worsen lives? 

It's hit me pretty hard because what I didn't tell you Dr K is that I related to them. 

You would have thought I was unhinged and kicked me out. I have felt true despair. 

I have been lost, inwardly begging for help and yet not making a difference today, means I'm useless again. 

I realised after we spoke that I'm a selfish person. The first chat was so bad that I didn't want to deal with the second. 

Another person would have handled it better even though she said everyone terminated her chats without a reason. 

All she wanted was support and I couldn't give her that. You told me I'll do better next time.

I just wanted you to lie and swear that I wouldn't get two back to back conversations that floored me. 

I feel unsure. Do I reach out and say. It turns out I can listen after all or do I just leave it and quit? 

There are unspecific guidelines because she could potentially fall into both categories and I wasn't sure if I was allowed to engage with either one, to be honest.

With the first I did because I felt like he needed to be heard and with the second I didn't want to break the rules and it was unclear.

I'm truly sorry Patient's X and Y that I didn't support you in the manner you deserved.

I froze and didn't say everything I was supposed too. I just did a partial of it. 

I was so arrogant with the routine engagements that I totally forgot about the scary ones.

I'm still rattled and mad at myself but thank you for taking time out of your night to offer perspective.

To also help me decompress. I appreciate it. I'm not sure I feel better but I needed badly to get it out of my system.

How did I not have it on my cheat sheet? That I created to help me focus on the accurate techniques?

Today's post is kinda weird considering how I ended the last one.

I just needed to vent. I'm grateful you let me until you felt I had fully got it all out. 

You remained for all of it and you didn't judge me at all. You were kinder than I deserved. 

Whatever I did and said just didn't feel enough. I'm not looking to cure it, just to lessen.

I do not feel as though I achieved that. Dr K is such a funny nickname! I can't believe you offered to be there again. Such a glutton for punishment.

I declined out of guilt for taking up your time.

This is the first time it hasn't been self therapy. The worse thing out of all of it was being thanked by both of them. For what? I didn't do a damn thing!!!