#BlogLife46 - Hostile work environment

I remember a work experience placement when I was at school and if you remember at that point I had little to no confidence. I was nervous and excited and I wanted to do a great job.

I needed to make a fabulous first impression so I took a deep breath showed up and gave it my all. I thought for a newbie I was doing pretty well.

Unfortunately next door I heard laughter and mocking and that devastated my world. I know that I made a few blunders but I was young and finding my groove.

I was willing to hear constructive feedback and work harder to improve myself but I was let go shortly after and someone else offered to let me work for them but..

I felt so low. I was so tired of being looked upon as an idiot. I wanted to be good at something, more than competent. I really needed to be capable.

I should have accepted the kind offer but my head was all over the place. My thought pattern was.... What if I mess up again and embarrass my family even more than they tell me I do already?

I couldn't take the risk. I stayed home, closed myself off and became very depressed. The reason I am sharing this with you..

Is because the voluntary position I'm doing is the opposite to that above. They are approachable and friendly and they never make me feel stupid for asking legitimate questions.

I have never experienced that in my whole life. It's strange but really uplifting :) They had this mixer for the new recruits and it was so much fun.

I haven't laughed until I cried for ages. I realised yesterday that supporting myself is physically and emotionally taxing. 

Couple that with constant stress and insomnia and I had a crying jag yesterday. I sorta felt better but as per usual I went unheard.

I am used to being alone and taking care of myself but sometimes I wish it was safe for me to be vulnerable and upset. I would have liked for once to be comforted.

I realise looking back I did that for everyone else and barely anyone did that for me. It doesn't seem fair does it? That I have to be strong for everyone around me.

When do I get to be cherished? When I am going to hear..

"I'm dropping everything. I sense you are not alright. I will be there for you, no matter what!"

Never is the answer. I accept it but I don't like it.