#BlogLife289 - Independence within relationships

I'm not in a relationship but every time I get a lil closer to someone I wonder about, what if I lose my independence?

I've been alone a lot through life and it isn't necessarily a bad thing but it makes me self reliant.

I look out for my needs, build myself up and make sure that I'm working towards goals that will make me content and productive.

What if I lose all that, trying to focus on.. Making them feel good or supporting them and neglect myself?

Would they care? Would they check up on me and steer me back towards, where I need to be?

I'm not sure to be honest. I can be kind, but rarely do I get it back. People seem to care about themselves more and snatch up what I give them and close up shop, never returning the favour, making us equal.

I can sit happily and listen to music, have my lunchtime naps, watch some cheesy shows, or write all day and all night and not get bored.

It might seem uninteresting to some or most but I love it. Being sick is extremely taxing. Going outside is difficult, walking even a bit, trying to stand straight and realising I have to hop or adjust because..

In the few minutes it takes to reach the bus stop, my feet or legs are burning. My hands are aching from holding the bus pass and phone..

Plus the sights and sounds of traffic whizzing by are making me anxious. It kinda preys on my mind, how I am walking, my weight, how sometimes I need to hold onto to the wall for balance or because of the intense pain.

Do people assume I am lazy? Out of shape? Milking it for attention? I don't dwell on it for too long because I know the truth but I am curious at times.

I guess it is about picking the right person, who will really see you and want to know, how to help you, to make you smile and laugh and feel fulfilled.

Maybe they will put your needs above them and you'll do the same but also each of you will take care of your separate wishes.

Sometimes you need quiet time, just to reflect or switch off. Possibly a form of exercise, a swim, a sauna, a walk, some dancing or a run, a game of sport? Who knows..

But if you are privileged to have all of that, cherish it and don't take it for granted. It's not something I expect to have in my life.

I'm not complaining. It's just exhausting pushing people away and trying to be strong when I'm empty and feeling incapable of standing, let alone walking.

I thought the pain was gone but just from typing, my hands are hurting quite a bit.

Why do I push people away? 

It amounts to lack of respect. If you know someone is being caring towards you and you dismiss their needs, you obviously don't appreciate or think highly of them.

Which is not acceptable!