#BlogLife300 - I'm in the mood to fight!! (Goodbye part 2) mini update

Something snapped. I think I had been holding back some resentments and they came out today from what seemed like a petty instance.

I think I'm just aware of people constantly taking me for granted, using me and then just laughing or being smug about it, so when I see it, in someone supposedly nice, it burns me.

At first I really do try to understand it and ignore it, maybe as them being a lil thoughtless but then after a while, it feels like it's calculated.

Asking me questions like...... "Do you miss me?" Instead of saying.. "Oh this happened and I thought of you" or "Just checking in to see how you are?"

"I couldn't keep away, I couldn't not text, was bursting to talk to you, even though I am swamped."

You know something simple like that instead of always making me talk about what I feel and you just carelessly mumbling the same afterwards or agreeing. Pah!!!

Irritating!! You say we don't fight, well possibly that is because I hate confrontation and I feel guilty for bringing this up and upsetting you, even though I'm bloody entitled to do it!!!

That should have been my red flag. The way you harped on about us not having problems and getting on famously. I'm sure I reminded you that I was difficult at times, but you dismissed it.

The other thing that bothered me was you claimed to routinely fight with exes and had no issue with it. Why couldn't you have done the same with me?

I just think it was your pride. You must have falsely assumed my feelings for you would cloud my judgement and I would what??

Let you get away with murder?? Let myself be dissatisfied forever without facing you and offloading??

I'm not the bravest person but if it is a choice between staying quiet or screaming at you with rage? I'll take the battle option and see what unfolds.

Nobody wants to prompt someone, otherwise it feels disingenuous and fighting with someone that's using smileys and short texts is even more aggravating.

The funny thing is, you could have so easily diffused my anger. If you had just accepted my perspective and had the balls to face my wrath. You didn't though, did you??

Which makes you a coward!

Ugh!!!! Fine, see how you like short texts from now on too. To think, I was looking forward to talking to you but now I don't want too at all.

Why does it always come back to you and how you're impacted? You could have said....... Oh I didn't realise, I didn't mean to treat you that way.

Now you think I'll come running and chase you again? Well no!! I won't. I do miss you but you need to express yourself better and chase me for once!

Show me that you care, that you would make the effort to work things out until there was no point, relentlessly but then I'm starting to think, you don't. 

You've just been playing games. You left very quickly without looking back.

Hmm. I don't know, perhaps I was wrong about you, seeing/hearing what I wanted, instead of the apathetic truth.

Same ol same ol garbage!!

Next!!!!!! 

Have a nice life!!

You failed the argument test. 

I need to be able to communicate my emotions, have you understand my perspective and then reply back with comprehension and a suitable response.

I will not go back to being ignored as though what I am going through doesn't register at all.

Plus I need to hear your take on it, you can disagree, you can see it differently but you have to speak up and let me know, otherwise we don't belong together.

It's still immensely challenging to express myself, so you have to realise if I am doing it or shouting, it's because I'm frustrated and I'm sick of being tolerable when I don't feel it's returned to me.

All couples row, it's human nature. We should have been able to navigate through this, instead we broke apart.

You haven't been in contact since yesterday afternoon and I don't think you will.

You want someone that is meek and won't go against you at all. I can be chilled at times but I'm not a doormat, if something is eating away at me, I should be able to vent, without you running away.

Ps someone tell me how to stop picking up my phone and checking for missed calls/messages every few minutes..LOL.

This did help. I just needed to get it out of my system so that I wasn't replaying the last conversation again.

I will give you until this evening and then I'll block you permanently.

No relationship/friendship is perfect but for me I need certain things to be able to breathe.

I grew up with fear and dysfunction in my interactions. That's not how I want to live anymore.

I want something healthy and normal. I want to get through conflicts and not be depressed or scared.

It should be routine and cathartic to vent. One day maybe I'll find someone that lets me be all parts of moi.

The soft, the vulnerable, the sarcastic, the witty, the sweet, the angry, the aloof, the suspicious, the affectionate, the lovable and lastly, respectably nutty.

**Oh and one final thing, you selfish bastard. (Yes I have been cursing you out).

You asked to hear one itty bitty chapter of my work and that was it. You weren't keen on any of the posts that didn't mention you!

Yet you kept asking again and again for me to hear more of your story. 

Considering how nerve wracking that experience of reading to you was but how fiercely I defended my work, when you didn't like a certain detail..

Plus how supportive I was with yours, when it wasn't to my genre taste at all.

I would have thought you could have been way more supportive and enthusiastic.

More examples of your over inflated ego! What was the bit he didn't like?

In Uncivilised Civilian when I was describing the shower amenities, he thought I harped on about it excessively.

I pointed out that this was aimed at women, who always had a million and one products cluttering up the bathroom, so this should appeal.

Ok, now I wash my hands of you and I'm officially done!