#BlogLife292 - Pmt/Pms depression

I feel like because my cycle is so off my hormones are at their craziest. One minute angry, then sad, hungry, depressed and deep in thought, sentimental, romancing..

I think I'm up to my fourth 1 day period. This last one didn't even last a day. It was just the afternoon. 

Very light and then it was over, there was nausea, cramping, bloating and mood swings.

I'm still craving sugary things. not chocolate really, just something sweet in the afternoons.

Sometimes my brain races ahead. I lay my cards on the table for future scenarios and say oh by the way, it might never happen but this is my opinion, just in case haha!

What a fruitloop?! I wonder if anyone else does that?? Please say yes so I'm not the only looney.

I also just seemed to be really upset and sad. I processed the bad volunteer chat. I'm not dwelling on that anymore but something feels residual. 

I find myself withdrawing again and instead of reaching out, I say to people, focus on your own needs, not mine....I'll be fine, toodles..

I think just between you and moi... I am waiting, well not desperately but a small fraction is curious if someone will actually say....

Actually SS, I can see you're not fine so let's focus on you and give you a lil bit of tlc.

It's like I've had all 4 full term periods because I've gone through all the emotions each time.

There is someone I'm actively pushing away or testing or whatever you want to call it.

I'm just not entirely sure if I am doing it for my sake or his. It doesn't seem ideal on paper, however we get on swimmingly well and seem to fill each other's voids.

My brain just can't get around the big reality practicalities because they are huge.

Me being poorly, needing to rest a lot, not being active, the selfishness of being my own person and catering my own musical/movie/foodie delights.

Or even something as huge as relocating out of the area I have lived all my life and am comfortable in.

I think some men just get lost in the feelgoodness of it all and ignore the obvious obstacles, whereas I just like to look at them and think.....

How on earth can this survive because from all angles, there just doesn't to be a way to maintain it.

They think short term, everything seems peachy right now, why rock the boat?

I just come along and screw with that because you can only live in denial for so long before you wise up.

I'm not sure what outcome I'm expecting or hoping for. You're right? Goodbye? Or we'll find a way...?

I feel guilty about bombarding him but it's how my brain works. I spiral and have this need to divulge my thoughts and see what the reaction is...

I didn't sleep well last night, even worse than usual so I had my phone off all morning until lunchtime and then it was off again.

There were missed calls and texts that I wasn't in the mood to return. I could have dialled him back but I felt cranky.

I did text back and say we don't need to communicate, I'm tired, you're busy and he agreed readily which stung lol.

Then by mid afternoon I finally was able to nap after putting on the heated blankie and curling up.

I just can't seem to snooze without it covering me, even in summer, peculiar.

When I switched on my phone I replied to messages and we started talking like natural, all day, maybe lunchtime calls and occasionally evening ones.

I like him but dating is not realistic, someone that has to come down to see me, as I can't travel.

Someone that has to be patient because being in constant pain makes me frustrated, angry, weepy and despondent.

Someone that realises I'm never going to be fit and healthy because any lil bit of movements seem to cause catastrophic strains.

Someone that knows, I'm not an open book at all, It takes time for me to reveal details and to trust them, it's not an immediate stance I can ever take.

Someone that knows, when to leave me be, let me rest or let me heal myself because I'm overtired and overwhelmed and not coping.

Someone that can support me but not push me into anything, that recognises, I know what is best for me.

Lastly I think, someone that makes me feel utterly safe and relaxed. I have never had that before. I've always had to watch out and be on the look out for abuse or lies.

By the way, the outcome of the chat was that he was understanding about my concerns and fears. He got where I was coming from and just acknowledged how I felt was normal.

He appears to be very different that I'm used too. He is open and talkative but actually has opinions and a backbone.

He's not afraid to say No to me or disagree and he doesn't back down which I respect.

Before I seemed to be getting my own way and turning people around but not in this case.

It's very appealing.