#BlogLife299 - Dear Yum Yum (Goodbye part 1)

Sheepishly looks at you. I have a confession to make, I got the dates muddled. We aren't at our 1 month anniversary, it's coming up to our 3rd week, next Wednesday.

Maybe I'm still trying to fast track us? Skip ahead to a more established time? In order that I feel more secure and comfortable and that this isn't another disaster in the making..?

I can't really pick faults with you, the way that I do with others, In regards to my past history.

By this time, I have always discovered a fountain of flaws and unpleasant habits that I want to distance myself away from.

We already have sickeningly sweet pet names for each other, as well as the rude and bizarrely humourous types. It seems to flow out of mouths more naturally, instinctively.

Perhaps it is too soon? I have no idea. This is unfamiliar terrain. I guess I will always feel cautious.

Don't move too fast, keep it at a slow steady pace, don't get overrun by hormones or infatuation, take your time, get to know him truly first and see if there are any haunting surprises.

Surprisingly when I had a rough few days, I actually did not turn away from you. I opened up and explained what happened which is fairly new to me.

I prefer stepping back and unravelling it myself and then returning to a more lighthearted mood.

You were quite caring and understanding, felt moved by my plight even though I quickly dismissed it as overreacting and moved on to more pleasant discussions.

On one hand. having hashed far more than we probably should at this stage, I wonder how it will be when there isn't a time limit?

If we will just sit and talk endlessly and not be bored or making excuses to escape.

You just seem so certain about us, that it will all magically work out and I don't comprehend that at all, with so many obstacles in the way.

Maybe you're just saying what you think I want to hear or what you assume all women want? I can't say. Or are you just an optimist?

I just know that for me. I can't envision the future. I'm so used to being by myself, it's ingrained that I'll always be alone, fending for myself.

I've never had moments where I could let myself unfold. Trust someone and say, this is me. I'm not perfect, I'm not traditional but I'm loyal, honest and I can learn to be affectionate and share my time.

The simplicity of my life, doesn't seem enough. Writing, writing and more writing.

Then there is my constant state of exhaustion. The aches and pains lingering gently or aggressively.

The stress of keeping myself going, knowing that if I stop, I just might not carry on anymore.

I don't hate my life, tough though it may be. It's just a lot to deal with but when there are moments of serenity, it's bearable.

What if I can't be me, anymore, as a couple? What if I have to pretend to be in good spirits so that you don't fret about me?

I don't want to lose my essence. I don't want to put on a mask and not be genuine. 

I just want to be the same person but with allowances set aside to include you.

I don't need things my way all the time, I can compromise and we can work something out.

It should always be equal and respectful. Everything seems good on the surface but I don't feel I am 100% in yet.

We did seem to share a lot of the same views and that helps immensely because I've never quite met anyone that is more like me, in some respects.

You agree to take things at a slow pace and never dismiss my feelings, instead constantly validates them but I'm still wary and can't let go yet and go with my emotions.

It would lift the weight off my shoulders to confide in you and let you support me/let us be there for each other. To be able to be transparent all the time, instead of having my guard up.

However what if I do all of that in due course and you betray me??

It's a risk and I have been taking you at face value. You don't shy away from awkward exchanges and you randomly volunteer tidbits so I have no reason to doubt your word.

I just need time and for you to be patient. If this is going to work out like you assume, then I don't want to be backed into a corner and rushed.

It should just be taking the next steps as they come and hoping that there is a pleasant journey ahead.

One of the issues is that I have never liked my body, slim or voluptuous it always received negative criticisms so I always felt it wasn't appealing.

I think disrobing will be a challenge for me but fancy pants lingerie will help. I've already seen beautiful summery bras but i miss buying the sets.

We gabbed about many things and I wonder if we will get to that domesticated state?

Having the neighbours over for dinner, sneaking off into the kitchen in the guise of a ruse for some covert smooching..

Going for walks, holding hands or arm in arm to walk off a meal, get some air or just because the mood takes us.

Visiting the local pub for lunch and drinks but ignoring everyone, lost in our own bubble world.

Me making lunch for you, adding lil notes and piling in extra treats for you to savour.

Us curling up sometimes when I nap or offloading to you or you to me, after an aggravating day.

Swapping immature but giggly challenges and seeing who can best the other.

(You're going down, I fight to win, fight dirty too *bats eyelashes*)!

I'm not asking for promises. I'm uncertain whether it will be a success or not, myself.

I guess what I want is for you to be a good guy. To be someone that I can learn to rely on a bit, that I can unwind with and be happy with..

As I don't quite know how to divulge the horrific details of my home life and my dating past.

It's just all really........ disturbing.

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Hmm I'm not sure I have the right to feel miffed at you but I do. You could have texted, even if you didn't call yesterday.

Not that you're obligated but sometimes it seems like I'm the one thinking of you or missing you and you only say the same thing, after me.

That's not very nice or balanced. At times, you should be the one to say sentimental things before me, assuming you do feel that way.

I do not want to be in a one sided thing. I know at other times, you say stuff randomly but you're a lil bit too laid back.

You should never be that complacent, that you have me. I've told you that before.

I'm not the self titled Ice Queen for no reason. I will not settle for crumbs of affection!