#BlogLife974 - Brain trauma 20 years later

Although I still don't want to talk about what happened, when the dwp asks questions, it takes me back and I have to phone Mama for clarity because there is memory loss and my brain sought to protect me from all the pain, physical and mental.

I didn't think I was concussed or maybe I forgot but the paralysis was there and the inability to communicate.

That's all I can share. Even reliving it with Mama just now was completely debilitating. I want to run to a happy place but there isn't one.

I just want to get this started before I go back to the past and fill in details to a bully, who has everything she needs but keeps making me relive the most harrowing details of my life, floating between life and death.

It's done and there's nothing really to cushion the blow. I was barely able to function, living in a bed, grieving and fearing my family home, full of monsters.

Everything associated with that time is hazy. Tomorrow/today is the UC appointment.

I wonder how pissed he'll be, I only applied for one of the crappy jobs, that is not work from home and is about 1hr30-2hours travelling time, one way...

It kills me to travel 15 minutes. Does he care? Nopee. Oh I think the second avon cleanser is done.

It's hurting to squeeze out the last bit. How long did it last? The same thing, about 3 weeks, not great really.

This last one seems faintly scented, maybe like honey? I quite like how they make my skin feel.

But I don't like the general lack of smell and the fact they only last 3 weeks, not the usual month.

The mask seems good too, although my nose is still dry and peeling, the rest of my face is smooth.

A few bumps but not really acne as such. I don't really need to shop tomorrow but I should buy food to eat.

I might pop in to the cafe or Tesco, will see, sometimes I'm too empty.

Or maybe I will try the stall. I want to budget but how do you combat that against feeling lifeless and just needing to lie down?

Ok back home from a 10.45am appointment, he wasn't even there, was told I have to go upstairs and then when I refused..

Pfft wait to be seen then, maybe about 5ish minutes, not as bas as last time, she was fairly nice.

But then waited maybe 10-15minutes for the dreaded cv appointment, I had no knowledge of.

So she said send me the cv? How can I when it's home in the storage..

To be honest she was fairly cool, so nice in fact that I let slip I was a writer, ugh...

I keep that private, that's my baby, away from the chaos, she lit up and said add it in, no bloody way.

I didn't have time for Tesco, so popped to the stall where even though I told him multiple times the other side gave me spring rolls and add it to the bill.

The chicken naan wrap and those cost £4 it seemed like. I gave him £20 and got £15 or £16 back in change.

Aren't they supposed to be £3 each? Definitely for the spring rolls..

I don't care, my back is seizing, there was no seat coming or going.

I'm craving fries and a sandwich but Pret is out of the chicken baguette.

I'm gonna munch, wait til after 4pm when the crappy landlordy, gas person isn't lurking and order more because I'm sore.

I have things to do, check the post and empty the bins, the uc stuff but my back is aching as are my hands gripping onto the bus handle so tightly.

I've got the anti nausea on, I should have got a fizzy drink, my tum tum is calm, but this morning I was on the verge of vomiting.

I don't know why it's so strong at the moment. Ahh bliss, the next December UC appointment is a phone one and maybe the last of the year??

Probably not ha, wishful thinking and yes I posted the dwp letter.

Cripes, I have to set up the heating blankie too, it's freezing and it will help my back but I can't be bothered.

So what I've learned is, right now, movements are a no no. The pain is going to climb, until I rest.

Pity I'm not sleepy. This is the sucky thing and why I rely on takeout, I can't bloody move!!

There's more to ramble about but I can't think. I have to relax, game, watch foodie videos, eat and then do the rest of the burdensome responsibilities.