#BlogLife678 - Femerella will go to the ball

The postie brought me the slippers today and he always seem to say How are you?

To which I never know how to reply because I'm all over the place usually. I don't answer, just smile and say thanks and he wanders off cheerily.

The slippers are really soft and cosy, well they look and feel it, I haven't actually tried them on as yet.

It's back to raining here, which is strange because it was all sunny a moment ago but at least I can re-snuggle under the warm blankie.

I saw some vegan meatballs to try in Iceland, I don't know if I'll like them but it was something different and I didn't fancy the beef version.

I'm glad the chapatis were in stock though, I just bought two lots as they were on offer and maybe just a temporary availability.

I saw that Ocado Zoom has the pan and brush and a basic mop that Iceland doesn't so I might just get it from there, as I hate carrying bulky items.

I forgot to get some tissues and it's like every product is downsizing, there is less and less contained inside and yet the prices skyrocket grr.

Ocado always sends me the offers when I don't need to do a shop and then when they are expired, I suddenly recall what I need from them.

Re-watching La Femme Nikita from scratch I remember what I loved about it, Michael was such a bastard lol.

The chemistry between him and Nikita was great but his hot/cold, affectionate and then distance frustrated me to no end.

He was quick to be jealous but not enough to reassure her of his sentiments ha.

I feel calmer today, maybe the nap helped. I cleared out the freezer of all the things I didn't fancy and it was so much that the bin bag broke.

Ugh I'll never understand my eating habits. Lots of waste but I can't force myself to eat it either.

I haven't decided if I should revert the unfinished stories back to draft or do you like seeing them randomly updated?

On one hand it feels wrong to publish them without it being completed and on the other hand, at least I can try and gage how much interest they are gathering...

If I put them back to drafts, hidden away, I might never finish them, at least the guilt keeps haunting me to complete some, especially the Fighting Fate one...

I haven't done the face brush in ages, my face feels as though I just removed a face mask, all deeply cleansed.

#BlogLife677 - Is Nando's worth a trip?

I've just done the last of the beauty treatments, trimmed my hair, manicured my nails, shaping and filing them and done the hair removal, ha, you'd think I was getting ready for a date..

I'm back to feeling stressed, I think it's the thought of more strangers invading my home, for when they install the smart meter and run the checks, it just gives me an eerie feeling.

I ordered some slippers yesterday, they had some adorable shades, a purply blue one and the red was a favourite and not a colour I often see, so I went ahead with that one.

I can't tell what the insides are like but it would be nice if it was soft fake fur like the outsides.

The weather continues to be hot and cold but they predict a heatwave soon, I hope they are wrong as usual about that but we shall see, I still have ice poles and the kulfi lollies in stock.

Actually I'm already missing the clotted cream one, I might get that one this weekend.

I want to sweep and mop the floors but I cannot for the life of me locate my pan and brush, I guess if I don't see it soon, after the weekend will just get another set from the market next week.

I try to keep things in the same place but sometimes I have to move them around when there is a lack of space.

Ahh the plans have changed again, looks like it will be next Thursday that me, Mama and her friend go for pedicures, brows maybe and lunch at Nando's.

Hmm not really keen on them but it's been years so maybe they have begun to season their food properly, plus be polite to their customers.

I hate bland and rude service, it's totally off-putting, but they seem keen to go and it will be interesting to have a change of menu.

I hope it's not too spicy

#BlogLife676 - Chatty chicks watching flicks 10 - La Femme Nikita

I've just tried out the Fresh Me face mask. It's a fun blue colour and squeezes out easily enough but it kinda smells like a scented bleach or washing powder.

It's alright but not my preference. I left it on for a bit, oh it's um a scrubby type of mask with lil beads, which I am not keen on but actually these were kinda soft.

It didn't feel like they were that harsh, it's too early to tell if I would recommend it but my skin is soft and fresh, there are some pimples remaining but my face looks radiant and mostly clear.

I've also just opened and tried the Avizor brand of hard contact lens cleaner and it's the same strong mixture unfortunately which burns the eyes if every bit of it isn't rinsed out, it's effective though.

Looks like I'll be going for the pedicure/massage and possibly eyebrow shape on Thursday or possibly Monday, not sure yet.

I don't even know if the beautician is back from her months away.

I've been watching La Femme Nikita, the original one, I never did see it from the beginning but I remember wondering when Michael and Nikita were finally going to get together?

I never knew how she was recruited. It's funny that they killed her off to the world and yet kept her real name lmao.

Plus didn't give her any sort of cover story, just told her to say she's out of work, pfft.

At least work would explain absences, yeesh. The technology all looked so outdated ha.

I guess the other thing that bothered me was the first time Michael took Nikita out to dinner and her being all giddey like it's a damn date.

Umm he's practically a kidnapper, why on earth would you be all excited about gifts and a date from someone training you to be an assassin, who you don't know is even on the right side of the law??

I'd be thinking is the drink or food poisoned? Why are we suddenly out in public? This has to be test related.....

Also as a trained killer, why get involved with someone that has a kid, that could be used as leverage or get murdered?

Plus I wonder if Operations knew all along that was his daughter and yet kept threatening to cancel her aka take her life? Lol.

It makes zero sense! What could her believable cover story be?

Secret Royal with mundane duties to perform? Rejecting Princes ha.

Or secret psychic helping the Police with their investigations or oncall plastic surgeon?

One last one.....Umm...Counsellor could be one, needy patients galore in the world.

See it's easy peasy to create a fictional career.

#BlogLife675 - Recurring daydream

I'm struggling this week, thoughts are coming and going and there is this daydream that keeps evolving in my head that is not story-material just a distraction I guess from everyday stress.

While I am half asleep potential topics float through my mind and then by the time I am fully awake, they seem to vanish.

I just prioritise sleep as I am extra exhausted. I'm looking forward to the new series of DI Ray that I think should be starting this week.

The ending sucked, she excelled in her promoted status, make them all look foolish and found the real criminals and yet she was fired.

Pfft! I wonder how they will bring her back or maybe it will be a whole new cast, I'm avoiding the spoilers so I will be totally surprised.

Even though I did my protein tablets for my lenses yesterday, still my lenses are irritable and uncomfy, I keep applying eye drops but it only helps for a lil while.

I should remove them but I cannot be bothered and to risk losing them, isn't worth it.

I got into yet another cop show Blue Lights which is interesting, except the fun character got killed off in series one, boo :(

I particularly like how one male cop, is always making snacks to woo his female partner, I've just never seen that before lol.

Well I put off having the smart meters for the gas and electricity for as long as possible but I just got a mandatory letter about installing them because of the law.

So I just sent an email to request an appointment. Pfft, for the first time in ages the bills were lowered and now I bet they will skyrocket as that is what everyone says.

Very annoying but it's out of my hands. I just bought and tried out Fibe fruit punch drink at £1.50 for a 250ml can, ouchy.

It's a 30 calorie sparkling drink, at first it tastes a bit tart but then it's quite nice, like berries.

I would recommend it but the price tag is hefty for an itty bitty drink, maybe if it is on sale, it would be better value.

#BlogLife674 - Those closest to me, made me insecure

Late afternoony greetings to all of you. I did not want to get up today but not because I felt downcast any longer, I just didn't feel rested enough.

I let my mind wander and it flickered back to all the unfinished unpublished and published stories on wattpad and here on this blog.

Every day my brain conjures up pieces of fresh material but all of it, can be transferred unto a page.

I'm just waiting to warm up, even though the sun is shining brightly at the moment.

I'm willing the chicken rolls I'm cooking to hurry up for a very late breakfast.

I feel the few people I trusted with the details of my homelife just really didn't give a damn and it's like knowing I had difficulty expressing myself and that I hated confrontation, made them exploit my personality even further.

They realised I wouldn't object when they hogged the whole conversation.

Their voice was the only one that mattered. Mine was squashed, feeding into that feeling that I didn't matter and neither did my opinions.

I would read stories and have dreams that unlocked my potential.

I didn't realise that I couldn't write, the reason that I couldn't tell my stories on paper was because I had no voice.

There was not a single safe place to share it. Family shut me down and took pride in keeping me quiet.

Friends talked over me and made assumptions, without asking me the truth.

Cousins thought I was not worth their time because I wasn't superficial and worldly.

They had the perception I was ignorant because I let them ramble and make jabs and didn't speak up.

There wasn't much that held any importance to me but writing and storytelling I had an inkling that was the link to my freedom.

I just didn't know how to unlock it, not back then. I think I flipped maybe between caring about others views on me and being indifferent.

What I did know is that by the time I was an adult and living on my own and uncaged from the stigma of being thought of as a twit..

It still wasn't any easier to talk. I just assumed the confidence would grow and the filter would drop but in some ways it hasn't.

And I think that's why I struggle to work on and complete the stories in particular, it forces me to open up and give a lil piece of me away or expose me to the world and that's terrifying.

I don't even know why I worry so much, it's not as though they are works of art, just simple tales.

They are still precious though, maybe I am avoiding the conflict I'll have to write or maybe I don't want to create the distance that will have to separate them?

A part of me knows, that I am holding myself back but it still isn't by choice.

Let's end this on a collective positive note, something I rarely am capable of doing.

Repeat after me....

I believe in myself and my abilities.

I can achieve anything I set my mind too.

I won't let fear hold me back.

I am not going to stay pushed down but instead will gather the courage to grow and sparkle and dazzle the world.

Lastly, I, We are pretty great people, don't let people convince you otherwise.

Pep talk done, see you tomorrow...

#BlogLife673 - Stiff androidian body

Afternoony all. It will be a great month if I skip my monthly again but I have pretty bad pmt at the moment.

Nausea, cramps and lots of pains. I'm just waiting for my sushi to arrive, they must be quite busy as it's normally here by now but that's alright I will just sip the Miranda orange instead.

I didn't quite realise it until after I got home, doing my whole stealth moves, ducking behind parked cars and playing my music loudly....

But there is no maniacal barking. I have a feeling the pet owners have been reported for letting the dogs bark all day and all night, or they have bit someone and been removed.

I don't think they walk those creatures at all or treat them fairly. Else why would they be so violent or be so noisy around the clock?

This is the first day since they arrived that it's been peaceful, I for one am relieved. Sorry but I am constantly dreading walking past them and for now at least I can relax.

Ugh spoke to soon around 4pmish, I heard them again. I've now got loud music drowning them out.

I didn't really have time before but as I was messing around with the settings for the new music player, Musicolet...

I discovered they did have a speed changer for all the songs, woop, woop!

I am so pleased, now all the songs sound like party tunes, even the slow ones.

I've just uninstalled Dub player, I used that for years and years.

I just have to get used to the new one now. I just finished watching a quit mini series of Jane Eyre.

I was trying to remember what it reminded me off and I have it. Bluebeard I think it was, where he married this poor girl and said I'll provide for your needs, all I ask is that you never go down the basement and open the door.

Curiosity got the best of her and she did and there was a room full of women, saying Yea, we got caught exploring too, ha.

It was about this mistreated orphan who is educated and goes to live with a man and his daughter and the governess.

Romance ensues but I won't spoil the plot, let's just say she's never been treated affectionately and he's gruff but fair.

I like how he starts off teasing her and then she ends up teasing him.

The only bit I hated was when a former maid, acquaintance or something, came to see her and was happy that she had flourished but she came out with....

Well you are no beauty. It's like, for heaven's sake. The woman doesn't think she is special, she could have done without that line grrr.

I would have posted this earlier but I felt a bit rough. I may have napped, it didn't feel like it but laying down is always beneficial.

Anyway I feel like a robot sometimes, that needs oil for the stiffness in my muscles and bones.

It's hard to manoeuvre around, roll over, to take big steps, to bend.

Even though my hands don't like winter, the rest of me does as I can curl up under the heated blankie.

I was trying to warm up my hands and they had already gotten delicate so I yelped in pain and once again was told I should be under a doctors care but this time I quickly cut her off and said, No.

I know I am getting sicker but I'm not jumping through hoops to explain it to the idiot doctors who choose not to believe me.

I'm not sure I will ever try the veggie sushi. I don't want to waste money.

Don't hate me but I don't dip the rolls in anything, no soy sauce, no horseradish (wasabi).

It's perfect the way it is and I'm avoiding extra salt as much as I can.

The salmon avocado is sublime, it's always soft and fresh. I wouldn't mind trying tuna, but everything else on the menu is spicy and I don't want to burn my mouth.

Oh I tried the karaage chicken, that was nicer than the wings. They are fried chicken balls, served with a spicy mayo that I didn't touch lol.

When they say spicy, they mean it. I have learned my lesson. It's pricey but always discounted.

I was going to get pizza but the poor reviews put me off.

#BlogLife672 - Iceland's new range

I thought I would try out the latest range in Iceland. I saw lemon chicken and vegetable rice. It's quite moreish.

The clotted cream kulfi, which was nice, plain, only had one nut inside but sweet enough. Actually I just realised it reminds me of rasmalai a milky dessert.

The mango version, tasted of mango and I didn't like it, Tesco version didn't taste of it, which is why I prefer it ha.

The pistachio one is still my favourite as it has lots of nut chunks contained and I would not buy the others again.

But I can't recall the make of the Tesco one. They also had tomato gnocchi which looked scrumptious, had to try it, even if pasta is my enemy now.

That is really nice, not too tomatoey or cheesy, just a great meal accompanied by whatever you fancy with it.

Talking of which I tried the alfredo linguine which would have been delicious if not for the disgusting amount of cheese, smothered inside, no cheese would have been better actually.

TGI Fridays french fries are surprisingly better than McCains. They cook really fast, in about 14 minutes and just have more seasoning to them.

I'm taking a break from the randoms and people in general. I do feel more myself, in a healthier mindset but I'm not in the mood for company, right now.

I'm enjoying old re-runs of Whose Line Is It Anyway and it calms my mind.

The peace is slowly creeping back. 

I finally remembered to pluck my brows, they still look untidy but not as bad as before and I will just smother my face in makeup and disguise them further.

I couldn't figure a solution to the Dub music player crashing the app. 

I uninstalled and reinstalled and that didn't help, I was loyal to it because just like Youtube I could increase the speed and every song sounded more perky.

I just need that when I'm outdoors avoiding triggers and the pain so if there is something fun and party-like in my earbuds, it makes the journey smoother.

I ended up installing another music player, with no speed change but also no flipping adverts, woop.

It's called Musicolet so far it seems alright, it hasn't crashed, I tested it last night, it seemed to find my music satisfactorily.

#BlogLife671 - Crazy Self Therapy 9 - Me against the family

Doc, thanks for fitting me in, this is a bit of an emergency although I'm not sure I can put it into words.

Listen SS you don't usually force it, let it come out naturally as per usual, alright?

That is just the problem, I have to get it out, as soon as possible, today in fact, the stress and apprehension is too much to cope with, so many stirred emotions.

What exactly happened to get you into this state?

Truth? An ex part of the family said that he was going to plot so much trouble for us that we would appear as law breakers and be thrown in jail, all of us, unless we paid him money, lots and lots of money.

Wow! Could he do that? Why would he do that?

My fear is that he made it convincing and showed us the report and made us think, we were all going to be harrassed so much so, that we would make ourselves crazy or plead with him to stop and send him the blackmailed money.

This is almost unbelievable but then he has been in jail, has been in trouble with the law and is the criminal, that steals from others and abuses them constantly.

How are you coping, what are you going to do? Knowing that you have always tried your best to be someone who believes in treating others fairly and helping them?

I wanted to hold it together and shrug it off. I know that no-one in the family would comply and send him cash.

But I just felt helpless and weak and lost sleep and my appetite thinking any minute now, Cops will knock on the door and cart me off to jail because of him and his evil words.

Fear took over your rational mind, in other words and this is what he was banking on?

Absolutely. I just felt as trapped as I was, growing up with two devils who tarnished my whole world and made it a scary place.

What happened next?

My Mama said she was going to write him this long farewell forever email and block him, pfft, as if she knows how.

I thought, he is loving the attention and power over us. Just say one word GOODBYE! 

And he would lose his mind. I just thought I'm kinda sick and tired of all of them.

She keeps forgiving him and he keeps hurting us and I want to cut them out permanently for own sanity sake.

She called today and I looked at the phone thinking, ugh, I don't want to talk to you but I was curious about any developments.

In the end, I called her back and she said, Oh turns out, he lied and never filed any documents about us and that he wasn't going to torment us until we were all behind bars after all.....

You see now this is the part where I am supposed to be all relieved but to me, it just shows what he can do.

I bet she is already forgiving him and that's what I can't stand!

I angrily spoke my mind and said, Don't mention their names to me, either of them, they are evil, we are good, we make the world a better place and they have no part in it.

They are dead to me!!

She said alright but I know that she won't respect my wishes.

Which is why I am taking a break from her, or at least stepping back.

That is a lot to process so this is why you have felt so low and depressed?

I felt hunted once again as though he was holding a weapon and saying. I can end you anytime I want and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. Ha Ha Ha.

Listen to me SS. Hear me good. I know that you've always been bullied and tortured mentally.

I know that your family tried to stop you from succeeding and being positive and sharing.

But I also know that each day you managed to gather up courage and spread your gift with the world.

You write and open up to show others, some people have imperfect lives and childhoods and families.

Some people feel no-one can relate to them but you show, that you do.

You encourage them and support them the way your family, held you back and didn't.

Cutting ties as a parent is nearly impossible so perhaps you should cut her some slack, although I do know that you can be a fragile person also.

At least you spoke your mind and told her how you feel.

Thanks Doc but I'm still angry because the next time, this crap happens and it will....

I'm going to feel like saying.... Mama you brought this bs on yourself by keeping him in your life, so don't come crying to me about it.

Except I'm too kind to do that so I will keep it to myself but share it on here before I burst.

A part of me wants to protect her feelings and the other part is on the verge of snapping and telling her, like it really is.

But if I did that, I would be just as cruel and heartless as they are and I nothing like them!

I don't know why she can't accept my truth about how they affected me, my lack of trust, the way I retreated from people.

But everytime I say I want nothing to do with them, she cuts me off and says Yea, Yea, Yea.

I don't think she's brave enough to ask me the question......Why??

As an adult woman of 45 years old I deserve to feel secure and protected from harm.

When am I ever going to be free?

#BlogLife670 - I'm an only child from now on..

They don't exist anymore. I want to start afresh. Let's all pretend I live in fantasy land and growing up was normal and respectful.

My parents accepted me for being a plump, shy, kookie, introverted, insecure and unsociable daughter..

And I revered them for treating me right and not being a colossal disappointment.

They were actually proud of me and didn't expect me to be someone else, plus uttered those kind words frequently.

I was able to form special long lasting friendships and romantic relationships because I was never verbally abused or assaulted and had the ability to communicate effortlessly plus trust people and men.

Even ill or healthy, grouchy or friendly, I would never feel alone or as though there was no room for me, as I somehow warmed people to me.

I was going to call this post Burn in hell where you belong..

But I'm trying really hard to be a lil zen. I'm at the next stage in the depression, watching tearjerker movies.

I'm dehydrated from all the blubbering. I feel like my immune system is weak. I've got the sniffles and a headache.

I was on a Kajol binge, Dilwale, Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham and Kuch Kuch Hota Hai.

All guaranteed to have me weeping and laughing.

Anyway back to fabrication. The pain was somehow bearable and I was able to exercise without any injuries occurring.

Clothing wise, I was an imperfect size 18, not skinny but not really too overweight either.

I had a moderate tum tum which stuck out a bit and made me seem bloated.

Dating was something I got excited about and had no baggage or hangups anymore.

Writing and blogging had evolved into something more professional as I became candid about pretty much everything. My health, my past and what I hoped to achieve in the future.

I self published and made a success from all the fictional stories. I was no longer anonymous. SS had departed and the real me emerged, complete with a photograph.

I was able to open up and connect in a different way than previously because I had never been depressed, just a lil awkward.

Side note, imagine having kids or a significant other and saying You're never going to meet my family because they are hazardous!

Alright back to reality, I'm not really sure what the point of this post is, although the more I write, the better I seem to feel.

Exploring my insides seems to benefit me, even if no-one is reading or understanding quite how bad things really are.

#BlogLife669 - I miss food..

I cooked the rotis, that seem like a wrap/chapati hybrid, but I love the fact that they are wholemeal and cook easily so I'm not standing for too long.

I did try them with the salmon, the taste is the same, the enjoyment is not. 

I don't know if I will attempt the rest or bin it. I want that feeling back, where I loved former dishes but it's just gone.

In the end I just put a lil butter and savoured that, way more than a topping would have.

It's still so weird. I cannot accept that I'm heading towards a simpler appetite.

The more I force myself to eat things I used to like but don't.. There is a danger there that I will lose my appetite again and just push food aside.

Anyway, that probably won't happen. My phone the Nord CE2 Lite, what a long stupid name...

Updated and now it's crashing the bloody music player. It's some security thing that cannot be disabled.

Argh I will have to investigate it because music calms me down and stops the panic attacks.

My brain is a bit scattered which is why I didn't post this on Thursday.

The only thing circling around it is. I'm a bit annoyed, my friend was telling me that, well this is how I interpret it....

She's become an emotional crutch, someone is just dumping and dumping their depressed mood onto her and I feel protective of her.

As though's the other person is taking advantage of her friendly, helpful and sweet side.

She feels guilty for being happy and content in her own life, which she shouldn't and he's indirectly making her feel bad, which angers me a lot, actually.

It's not my business but I wish he would stop whining about whoa is me, I hate everything, I hate myself blah blah blah and seek some bloody therapy, instead of dumping his foul mood on her.

Either confide in friends and family and/or get some much needed therapy and turn your life around because whatever you're doing, isn't working.

Alright to turn it back on me, someone suggested I do the same and get therapy and move past my dating history, once and for all..

And I said No because I feel too emotionally fragile, for someone to mess with my head and leave me raw and open.

I try to tackle one thing at a time, especially in the self therapy posts. (Crazy Self Therapy).

Besides, I don't feel like it is something that is ever going to disappear completely.

I was habitually hurt. I had/have no-one to lean on. I trust no-one and if someone tries to cosy up to me..

Well the thought of it, being able to relax and confide, is really comforting but the reality, is never what I think it will be.

Either they leave, or I do. Then add in the mix, deep rooted insecurities and it makes everything worse.

I can't say I like you, or I care about you and want to.. Spoil you with affection because then it's always...

Yes yes yes SS, focus on me, and I'll focus on me also and neglect you completely....

What I'm saying is, it's just easier and practical to keep my guard up, all the way up.

#BlogLife668 - Hold the butter

My quest to try new things is hit and miss, I just sampled the Fry vegan kievs and loathed them.

I thought garlic and fake chicken, fun combination but all I tasted was butter.........Absolutely revolting.

It's like eating a whole stick of butter on it's own. Ickity. I had to bin them, I can't do it, give it another shot or coat them with a dip, that butter taste is just too much.

I told Mama to relax and stick to her routine and I realised that once again, I was giving the deranged twit power over me so I'm going to proceed as normal.

I went into the kitchen about 6/7 times intending to come out with a new tissue box and forgot each time.

I got drinks, fruit, ice poles, rice, more drinks and the last time, I thought hey, just pick up the tissues first and then I made the mistake of going into the fridge for more drinks and strawberries and promptly left the tissues inside....... Sigh lol.

I guess I still feel on the edge and going to the Police is not an option because he hasn't done anything and they are all about evidence, first get physically attacked, and then we will step in as it is tied in a nice neat bow.

As I said I've been ill and tormented for a long time and have no more fight in me.

My family has always been toxic and a hazard to my physical and mental wellbeing.

There just doesn't seem to be an escape from it but I realised his goal has always been to torture us, make us stressed and remove any joy from our lives.

And he is not even in the same country anymore but when someone is that evil and that determined to destroy you.

Yea it's definitely........... A lot to handle, alone.

Oh I tried the Tubzee mango kulfi lollies, which are a bit sweeter than the pistachio but not as nice.

I'm not really keen on them, if possible will pass them on to Mama.

The last flavour to sample is the clotted cream, which sounds so delicious also but what if I hate it?

I wish they had sprinkled nuts in the other flavours too.

You know this sounds really bad but I'm going to say it anyway.

I'm almost at the point where I feel like cutting Mama out of my life too, she just keeps forgiving him and bringing back his evil reign over us.

I could literally say to her, from now on don't mention each of the siblings names to me anymore but she still would.

I'm going to sink into depression and I don't know if I can find my way out of it, this time.

I don't know if I want too. I want some stillness, quietness, a break from the constant soap opera dramas.

I think to be honest, I'm sick of making her feel better, when she should have got rid of him a long time ago.

It's a constant feeling of helplessness and his new way to manipulate her, will be when the grandchild comes along and then it will be back to abuse and strangleholds and she'll bring me in to it.

Or want me to say it's okay or comfort her and I am sick to death of it!

I literally feel once again, at my lowest ever point. I really don't know what to do, except shut myself off and welcome the inevitable.

You might as well all unfollow me now because until this thing passes, there aren't going to be any jolly perky posts...

Not that there were many to begin with, in the first place.

I keep having these dreams where I am being murdered and I actually welcome it.

I say please carry on, thank you for putting me out of my misery and be sure to hit all the vital organs.

That's where my head is at right now. I was honestly trying to hang on and be strong.....

But it's impossible, maybe some fiction would help.....

#BlogLife667 - Ex family - You don't scare us anymore!

It's Saturday night and I'm relaxing, my throat is a lil dry and scratchy and I'm just about to get a drink, when I see I have a missed call.

Mama is frantic, she is being coerced into giving money, that she doesn't possess to the vile, younger ex sibling.

Of course she refuses as she is fed up with his anger, threats and entitlement, but it's way too late to make a stand.

She should have been way harsher with his money grabbing ass, a long time ago.

At least she finally admitted, that he stole money from her friend and it wasn't "gifted."

That if he dares to step back in the UK, he will be arrested and get thrown back in jail.

But as his wifey is pregnant, hopefully she will leave him soon. He wants a girl as a boy would grow up to kick his ass. (His telling words).

He doesn't want to be independent and work hard to earn a living, he wants others, to fund his lifestyle.

He told Mama to ask her wealthy friends to get a handout and she point blank said NO!

She at last got to the point where enough was enough. All the verbal abuse, game playing, cruelty and nasty attitude just made her snap.

So his parting shot was, I am out to get you and the siblings and I won't stop until I've accomplished that.

And she apologised to me, for having to deal with his wrath but I said there was no need, he just always wants attention and if you don't react anymore, he as a bully is powerless and alone and he deserves to be miserable.

What goes around, comes around!

Because you are all happy and careful with money, (we all learned to budget and he resents that).

He actually said, Why should I struggle, when you/they don't. It's become a personal vendetta.

I'm not surprised, he, both siblings are hateful human beings. I know that at least for me and Mama, we are flawed but trying to be helpful and give hope to others, who are struggling.

So am I scared? No. I don't really care what happens to me. I grew up afraid to live and talk and enjoy life.

There is just stress every day, my mind is tortured and my body is trying to be like everyone else and do everything without limits but it can't function.

I thought each day, today is the one, I'll get punched and beaten to a pulp.

Or I smiled or at least felt relief when I tried to kill myself. Some peace at last.

I've been sick since I was late teens/early twenties. There is constant pain, nausea, insomnia, panic attacks and exhaustion.

There is no-one I can open up to completely. I rarely go out and I typically only socialise with Mama now, although there is the occasional random on the spot mini date.

I love writing but it's a good and bad thing. Sometimes I feel I share too much and other times, not enough.

I guess I wanted to say, that if I disappear, it will not be by choice.

It will mean, that he finally got me.

Until then, I will just carry on and keep trying to be a good, decent person.

Oh the saving grace is that Mama is finally cutting him off for good.

He will have no-one to BULLY!

It's actually pretty funny that he said, I wished I hadn't repaid the debt to her (moi), as he needs the money.

But newsflash, he always needs money. For cars, holidays, labels and I suspect drugs.

I don't think he ever stopped taking them, no-one sane threatens the whole family with bodily harm habitually.

The private in-joke between Mama and me is that because he stole the money from me before and I begrudging paid his debt as Mama begged me too.

She paid me back soon after so really he was paying her back.

I couldn't care less what happens to me at this point. I'm struggling each day and if the worst happens so be it.

He actually said, we all collectively need to send him money. Ha!!!

I think the silver lining is, he can't say anymore hurtful things to Mama, he can't stress her or make her upset.

As he has been doing, over email, in her presence, over the phone, all of it.

All he knows how to do is Attack, belittle, depress and threaten other people.

I thought I was safe in my own home.... But turns out his reach is still present.

I don't know if I'll be around on Monday but I hope I will still follow my routine and not get scared/depressed.

Goodbye for now and thanks for sharing my pain, joy and laughter.

Be strong, even when you're afraid. Have hope, even when it feels like there isn't any.

And be safe :)

I care about each and every one of you.

X

#BlogLife666 - I'm trying to be happy..

Yesterday and today I've been trying to be in a better mood and fight the hormonal rampages but it's tough.

I have cramps, I feel empty and drained and I still want to scream at someone, well actually punch them in the guts!

I don't feel hungry but maybe having some cheese and crackers will help my tum tum settle down?!

I thought today, let's try and have fish and see if I like that particular version of the sandwich spread, Princes salmon but I forgot one tiny, teensy, itty bitty fact.......

It's in a tiny jar and I can't open it. Ugh my strength is getting weaker, day by day.

I am forgoing that plan and just going with something that I can open easily, which is the cheese.

Even though it's not something I can control, I still feel disappointed in myself when I can't do things.

I wonder if other sick people feel like that or if they just accept it and move on?

Yesterday she kept saying see a Doctor, like it's just easy, to go in and make an appointment and get the help I need.

One, appointments are like gold dust, extremely rare, I know as Mama has been trying to get one, to get a referral to treat herself and it's been near impossible.

Secondly just to put myself out there, re-tell my story, my symptoms and angst and be looked upon like I am dirt, who is just giving a feeble sob story and wasting their time, kills me.

Doctors made me feel like I was losing my mind. I questioned my own sanity because they said I was all fine and there was nothing wrong.

Is it any wonder, why I don't want to go through that crap??? I have to prop myself up and just be strong, all the flipping time.

I can't do it. I don't wish to serve myself up to the devil doctors, only to be dismissed, yet again.

I'm waiting for my phone to install a software update, I doubt it will be android 15.

I think I will go on pay as you go, when my contract ends but I'm not completely sure.

At least with contracts I can get a free phone every few years. Ugh EE has changed the website and I can't get my billing information to see when the renew date is, I guess I will call them at some point.

I found a new show Sight Unseen, about a woman losing her sight, who is a cop and hasn't adjusted to it so doesn't want to use a cane, or a poochy.

She uses an app, which connects her to a sighted assistant who becomes her eyes but she's screwed when her phone battery dies.

I think she's an idiot for not using a backup. 

I think petty me, was waiting until I managed to overpower the jar and open it.

I wanted a lil victory in my corner, it's not really the big bad wolves hiding in the shadows that I'm battling..

It's the everyday issues, that sometimes, I just cannot solve..

#BlogLife665 - Butter me sideways

I'm still struggling with my tastes and resisting the fact that I've gone off most foods that I looked forward to devouring.

I tried out tagliatelle in a creamy sauce and just felt like I was eating nothingness.

I've decided to break my own rule and get butter, well I got I can't believe it's not butter, as it was on sale and the blurb said it contains less fat.

The one I used to adore was, cripes I can't recall the name but it had two versions, sunflower and olive and I loved the olive.

It was fake butter but extremely creamy. Oh it was Pure, it just came to me.

I don't ever intend to be 100% healthy and remove fat, sugar, carbs from my meals but I'm going to keep trying to shave off calories where possible.

I saw something new in Iceland that I got really excited about. Wholewheat chapatis from Mon Salwa, it's £3.50 so not cheap.

But I still recall that fresh rotis/chapatis taste completely different to stale ones and I miss that.

These are dough that I can flip onto the panini press and cook them easily, hopefully and that's why I got the butter.

As usually I would pop chicken into them, actually I just remembered I do have lots of faux chicken at home.

Nowadays sometimes I prefer something simple. I saw this half price Nivea face wash and as I go through them so fast I bought it.

It didn't seem like it was scented but I just sniffed it and it seems pleasant. Hydra skin effect, micellar face wash.

The neighbours are still quarrelling loudly. How have they not lost their voices??

I like the chapatis but they are small and thin. They cook easily in about 3 or 4 minutes.

I don't like the fake butter, it's got that oily, greasy taste, I can't explain it but some of them have that and I hate it.

Ugh what a day. On one hand, woop, skipped last months monthly.

On the other, for some reason feeling robotically stiff and delicate today.

The pain's spreading all around and I keep being advised to see a stupid doctor and get officially diagnosed but I can't be bothered.

Dealing with those condescending assholes telling me I'm not sick, when I'm continually getting worse and struggling to do the basic things, like open things or carry or walk or stand.

Screw everyone, I am just tired and achey and cranky and bloated and hormonal etc etc.

#BlogLife664 - Happy Easter Bunny greetings

It's a bitterly cold day, it was raining earlier and overcast but now it's a bit brighter.

I'm waiting for the heating and heating blankie to kick in as it takes a while.

I did have a hot breakfast and haven't been feeling nauseated so that's good.

I've been trying to get through since yesterday to pay a bill but no-one is available and then today they cut me off, grr, just as I was first in the queue.

I'll try again after lunch as it is the Bank Holiday Easter weekend and everything will be shut until Tuesday or even later, who knows..?!

Oh just got through straight away, finally. Heavens above, the neighbours are having the loudest domestic, all day today.

I mean they stop to breathe, it all goes quiet, I have earbuds on, but the whole neighbourhood can hear them, when they resume.

Anyway ooh the eye drops finally arrived. I'm sticking to the brand Ocufresh as they seem the most helpful.

I find it weird that I specifically read the back and it said, can be used with contact lenses and now suddenly it says, it can't.

I'm supposed to remove them but I didn't know this and have been using them anyway and nothing has happened.

My lenses haven't melted or exploded so I will continue doing so, as I use them sporadically during the day and they soothe, pretty quickly.

Bulk buying was cheaper, so I bought 6 ha!. Worked out to £1.50 each instead of £3 for a bottle.

#BlogLife663 - Are you still eating that?

Afternoony all. How is your day going? Mine is slow. I keep waking up stupidly early and then waking up really late but at least I am sleeping so I can't complain too much.

I'm still munching on the breakfast burrito, it's not my favourite, I haven't tasted any veggy sausages and maybe it needed a sauce, like ketchup or mayo but I don't feel like adding one.

It would have been tastier with a fried not scrambled egg but it's something different from the normal so I'll keep eating it.

That local cafe does huge portions and they threw in a chocolate bar and popcorn again, which I'll add to Mama's bag to give to her as I wasn't keen on it.

I've finished My Life is Murder and Suburgatory, both shows were good but as she broke in and obtained illegal evidence without any search warrants I can't see how any of those cases stuck ha!

The next show that I hoped I would hate but I don't actually is Mr and Mrs Smith, two strangers who agreed to live together and pretend to be married, as spies.

I'm not really into the baddies as the main characters but the male actor seems kinda endearing well they both do and he seems smitten with her already, aww.

I have a feeling it's the same case scenario and premise of most spy shows, they think they are working for the good guys but are actually working for the evil ones.

I haven't seen the movie and I don't want too. I don't know if it's based on that, I can't comment, sorry.

Oh I've finally tasted the sausage, that puts the burrito in a much nicer fixture, they should have chopped up big chunks because that should have been the focus.

Not that I'm a cheffy but it feels like just egg on it's own, can't carry the meal.

#BlogLife662 - Am I hiding from you or myself?

Afternoony all! How did you sleep? I had a rotten night and morning, my stomach is lurching, there's some crampage and some nausea.

I'm sipping some drinks, waiting for my breakfast/lunch to arrive. I don't really feel like munching but I'm hoping afterwards I will feel more normal.

I decided to order a breakfast burrito, eggs, veggy sausages, cheese and avocado. I hope they toast the wrap.

I don't feel tired as such, just yucky and peeved. I skipped this month so the hormones and bloating are in excess.

I got my refund for the eyedrops and bought another batch from another seller, as this one is nearly finished.

I'm gonna re-cook the burrito, the eggs needed more cooking. I'm trying to be less cowardly and try out more veggy options.

Last night I got talking to another random. I can't even remember his name.

I think maybe it's been about a week or two and then he brought up the picture swapping and this one I didn't feel attached too.

I told him the usual spiel. I'm not someone who prances in front of the mirror and takes snapshots.

My eyebrows are still a mess, I've got no makeup on and my hair isn't washed.

He said.... Oh I don't care about that, just take a quickie one and send it.

I told him straight, it's never about what he wants, it's about what I feel comfortable doing.

Pffffft! As is they would do the same, well actually they might take a scruffy one, he attempted to send me his...

In the hopes I would feel so guilty I would return the favour. Purleasee.

I rejected it and told him, if he wants photos, then I'm sure the next girl he speaks too would have them in an abundance.

Take care. I don't want to be pressured or bullied into doing something, I've already declined.

If they question whether I'm female, I just offer to call them on private number and prove myself that way.

I have a feeling, the next time I'm at Mama's I'll take some or one.

Her room has lots of natural light and space. Plus I wouldn't be showcasing my place, privacy, privacy and more privacy.

#BlogLife661 - Fiverr - Cheap by name and nature

I can finally exhale now that the blog has had it's final alterations. I responded to an advert on Fiverr, a marketplace for humans selling web services.

This particular person had glowing reviews and was responsive so I thought great, the price was £32.74 altogether.

I wanted an image replacement on the theme/template, whatever you want to call it.

I wanted the title and description to have a clear colour and be readable to visitors.

I wanted the side bar menus to be a darker colour so that no-one had to squint anymore to peruse them.

I have no coding knowledge but I've looked certain things up beforehand and it all seems easy enough to accomplish for someone skilled in that area.

I'm glad that Paypal payments were an option. I rarely use my card if I can help it.

I explained my needs and the person had 24 hours to complete these simple changes.

If it's me, as soon as I am paid, I would get started and get enthusiastic about a project and give it my all, and then some.

They waited until close to the deadline, just under an hour and a half, while I was freaking out and stressing that I had wasted my money.

I feel they did the absolute bare minimum and called it accomplished.

I would be thoroughly ashamed of myself, if that was me. Where is your pride in your work??

I wasn't happy so I requested that the title and description be legible, which seemed self explanatory really.

Plus the fact that I paid extra! That was more or less completed but I'm not entirely satisfied.

I wanted the title to be in a different font style and the popular posts to be in a darker shade but for now I'm done.

However the whole experience was so draining, making that person an admin on my blog and giving them permission to do what needed to be done.

As someone that doesn't like to relinquish control, it was tough and aggravating to wait and wait and wait.

Unfortunately instead of being able to relax and smile that, the blog was finally in the hands of a professional, I felt sick to my stomach and foolish that I had handed money over to a stranger, that treated me as an afterthought.

I didn't feel valued. I felt like I had to babysit them. I had to keep checking the front page of the blog and seeing no progress made.

On the plus side, the picture fits my insomnia theme and that is why I chose it, similar to my twitter image.

They did do the work I commissioned for them and I feel better about my homepage but I can't escape this disgusted feeling..

Of being promised an ethical person and being a delivered a charlatan. I know that sounds harsh, when I'm partially satisfied but the stress was unbearable.

And what really sickened me was that the person at first gave themselves kudos, with a pat on the back, contribution note on my blog, without my permission and when the work was hastily unfinished. Ick!!

They subsequently removed it themselves but that just annoyed me even more. Doing the least amount of work and slapping yourself on the back, giving yourself praise? Yuck!

I love the colour purple and I didn't have to compromise and choose a modern cold theme, which most do and good for them but I find them sterile.

My personal blog I want to be warm and inviting. I want us to be cosy, while we chat and read and share.

I forgot actually that I wanted to have slimmer sides and for the blog to take up most of the page but I can live with it, as it is now.

Would I recommend Fiverr or the worker? No. You have one chance to make a first impression.

If you can't be bothered to make your mark and stand out and work hard to deliver outstanding results, then I can't respect you, sorry. 

You've lost my business and any hope for a glowing review.

#BlgLife660 - Chatty chicks watching flicks 9

I found two old shows that are interesting to pass the time with. Suburgatory about a teenager who relocates with a single parent and tries to find her place.

In one sense she's a strong character and not a barbie doll but in another sense, she's self righteous about other people.

If being shallow is their existence, then leave them be. If they want to remain closeted, how is it your business??

And this really bothered me, when the jock playboy said Can I touch your boob, just so that I can say I did?

To whom??? And she consented. I feel she just trashed her reputation and didn't seem into it.

I just felt that was weird and uncomfortable. But teenagers are not the smartest when it comes to physical stuff, I know I was naive.

The other show is My Life is Murder with Lucy Lawless, aka Xena, which I saw a lil as I was crushing on that guy that died, umm Hades? The baddie.

Anyway it's about an ex cop, who retires and becomes a prickly Baker and her former colleague ropes her back in as an occasional consultant to close cases.

I like mysteries because it's never the obvious suspect, well sometimes it is, but mainly it's the least prime person of interest..

I got talking to a random last night, surprise surprise, been doing that a lot lately.

But this time it was seemingly on a professional note. As he designs websites and I was explaining that my blog theme is a mess and needs a proper overhaul by someone that knows how to code.

He was like Oh just watch a tutorial pffft. Yea I tried, I'm not a designer/developer, I am a writer!

Anyway he recommended a site, where people either advertise for a job they need doing, or people create their own advert and explain their skills and you book them.

Everywhere I was looking said it would cost over a £100 to fix my site and as a cheapskate, I did not want to pay that for a simple job.

I don't think it will take long to fix the fonts and have everything clear.

I just don't know what to put as a front cover? It has to express it's a female blogger.

That it's a personal one and that I'm anonymous and complex. 

I'm also scared to hand over my login details to a complete stranger for them to do the alterations.

The site is called Fiverr.com and the advert quote was just under £30 which was my budget, I did not want to pay more than that.

I'm going to email them just to see if they can help, what they suggest I do and see what happens, even though I am petrified.

#BlogLife659 - I can't see you eyedrops

Yesterday I reported the eyedrops missing and I have given up because it's been nearly two weeks without any news.

Even though I really wanted them, customer service has been ignoring me but hopefully I'll get my refund.

That's why I like using Paypal as they have the buyer protection in place and you'll always get refunded.

I spoke to Mama last night, it's like all the gifts backfired, I'm kinda gutted about that.

The hand cream spilled, although she loves the scent from Sarah Jessica Parker.

Dawn was the name, then she didn't really love the Gardiners of Scotland fudge, preferred the Bon Bons brand.

Plus the chilli plantain chips, I assumed were savoury, were sweet and she's not keen, ugh.

The one thing she did enjoy was the After Eco dark almond nutty bar though, at least that's something.

I offered to get her some more essential oils as her sleep seems more interrupted now, she used to have no trouble.

And because the oils have multiple benefits and I've researched some of them, I can recommend them to her as an alternative remedy away from pills...

But she told me to wait until summer when it will be our joint birthdays, not on the same day but a week apart.

No sign of the Postie yet and I'm waiting for the electric toothbrush replacement heads as I am down to my last one.

Every three months, you are supposed to swap them out, I usually forget.