#BlogLife65 - My uncommon periods (mature audiences only)

If you are easily squeamish, you can shy away from this one but for the mature amongst you I wanted to have a frank discussion. 

I can't recall exactly when my period started, maybe 11yr or 12yrs old but I was highly developed physically so it made sense.

I think my mama was the same too. I just recall the girls at school all discussing who had started and that tampons was the thing to use because it was a breeze and convenient.

I didn't even know what that was. I probably discussed it later with my mum and just used pads. That area was already delicate..

I did not want to aggravate it further. Plus the whole thing sorta freaked me out. I had heard the stories of it being stuck or being painful.

I think the main reason I have always and still always stick to sanitary towels is because my flow is heavy. No matter what medication I took it was the same.

Only with the pill, it became regulated instead of skipping a month or two months, or getting it twice in a month, Mine were wildly unpredictable.

I had the same conversations, when are you due? I have no freaking idea. If I am due or whether or not it will even happen this month.

The clots always worried me and made me feel self conscious. I leaked through clothes and was afraid to leave the house. 

Doubling, tripling, quadrupling pads was a fact of life, it was not an option. I even used to wear another set of underwear just to keep it all in.

After I stopped taking the pill. I studied up on various so-called remedies but nothing helped. My weight fluctuated but my periods were the same.

Now for the last few months I have had what I describe as regular periods for the first time in ages. I would say the flow was medium.

No clots. Cramps, slight nausea. It's now been a week and I am practically done. I was always the two week girl. Curled up resting and miserable.

My pmt lasted all day and it occurred prior, during and after my periods. It was agony. I cancelled plans, felt uncomfortable and slept even less than usual.

I haven't even been listening to the binaural beats videos. What is different is, I am consciously working out more and orange juice is a staple in my fridge.

Honestly I cannot think of anything else that is different aside from eating less meat and more chicken and fish. I feel like I can actually deal with my periods now instead of falling apart.

#BlogLife64 - When did women lose their self respect?

 *Sighs* Look I am aware that a lot of you have remained with your dignity and pride but too much of you have lost your damn minds!!

When exactly did you decide that any man was good enough, even if he treats you, like you are barely tolerable? When did you start seeing yourself as less than?

Men are never going to be my favourite people. I have been through too much. Sometimes I didn't call them out when they were treating me with contempt..

But I knew a lot of the time, it was a game. Let's see how easily, how quickly we can make her cry or burn with self loathing. I refused to play their game.

I did surprisingly stand up for myself a fair bit actually. When I look back. I hated confronting them and screaming but there was no way I was taking their insults.

I slapped them. I yelled at them. I cursed them out and I goaded them right back, pointing out their laughable characteristics. All of them, thought twice before doing it again.

They assumed they could get away with it because I was quiet and soft spoken. Wrong! I observe and scrutinise every damn word you say.

My question is for those that are being cheated on and verbally abused and treated inhumanly..... Why are you standing for it?

Worse still, why is he the hero and you are the unworthy one? When did you stop liking yourself? When did you give up and settle for trash?

"No no no no. You don't understand. Let me explain he is...."

I don't care what he is. My concern is you! Take a long look in the mirror. Replay all the hurtful evil things he has ever said to you.

Look at how your face changes. Why do you believe his untruthful words? They are lies, to keep you down and tied to him.

Go and write a list right now of all your best qualities and if you tell me, you can't think of any? I will slap you until you do. What do people admire about you?

Read the list and realise it is all correct. Those people see the real you. He doesn't. Now every day from now on, read or memorise the list and claim back your self worth!

I deserve respect

I am amazing

I have so many beautiful qualities to my personality

I am gorgeous

I am a great friend

I make people smile/laugh

I am kind and thoughtful and brave.

I love me and if I don't I will work on myself, until I do!

#BlogLife63 - Sensitive skin?

 A few moments ago I had sticky fingers. Now before you call the nearest law enforcement and have me arrested for being a kleptomaniac (thief)...... Let me just explain.

The bakery/cafe I was praising a while back on their bakewell tart, which should be renamed bakewell bun..Well I was completely, hormonally, couldn't-help-myself-the-force-was-too-much, drawn to them again.

This time I just had to pick something else and see if it was a fluke. My scepticism is what you like about me, right? lol

I got the chicken and vegetable wrap that was so tender and packed, it was truly delicious. It was drizzled with a garlic mayonnaise sauce that complimented it beautifully.

Then I shoved the cake in the fridge because I am not a fan of warm overly soft cake without texture. Then I pulled it out and oh my.

Is it wrong to propose to someone you have never met before? Whoever keeps making these cakes is supremely talented.

It had sprinkles, moist buttercream and it felt like a splash of alcohol but not enough to put me off. When I tried it, the thought of baileys cheesecake came to mind.

It just had that sort of richness to it. I would plug the place but it is local to me so I had better not.

I can't believe my protein tablets have already arrived for my contact lenses. I ordered them on Tuesday which I guess is enough time.

They cost an extortionate amount just under £20 but that was for a two year supply 48 tablets. It was the cheapest price that I found.

I'm taking half and giving the rest to my mama mia. I was fed up with waiting for the Ayumi face wash so I have ordered a Biore face wash instead.

I think I have tried biore products once. I have a feeling I got a free sample for a cream maybe. I think I liked it but not enough to repurchase it.

I am just trying different brands as my skin tends to get used to something and stop reaping the benefits. I do favour something with a pretty scent.

I will have to do a patch test first as so many people complained of allergic reactions. I am not exactly sure if I have sensitive skin or not.

I rarely have reactions. I think it is just when a brand is too cheap, the quality ingredients are so basic that it harms my skin.

Actually I think my main issue is around my eyes because I wear contact lenses and they already delicate so I did notice something.

It wasn't a rash or a breakout. I think my eyes were watering and slightly burning so when that happens, I switch brands but that was a long time ago and I have been fine ever since :)

That is why I opt for brand names, not the most expensive. I am too cheap for that but something established at least. 

Keep your fingers crossed that this version actually arrives in the post and that the postie doesn't run off with it and then return saying smell me.

Am I gorgeous or what? I would not put it past them!

#BlogLife62 - The opposite to warm and fluffy..

I just did a google blog search with the word rant. There was more than I expected to see but it still doesn't feel like the normal thing to do.

Maybe it will always be the minority subject where most traditional blogs are lighthearted and more positive. I would never change my genre unless I had a lobotomy.

I cannot see that happening. I'm sorry to say that I don't think my face wash is going to show up. I ordered it since the 14th May and I know it has only been a week..

I could be being presumptuous but I have reached out twice and heard nothing back at all. That just signals to me red flags and I know I am covered by paypal protection in any case of scams.

However I am gutted because I was looking forward to trying out a new product and now I am stuck using the horrible Garnier scrub which is driving me barmy!!

On the positive side when I released my book on here. I had really low expectations. I wondered if I would get any reads at all but I got more than I thought I would.

I feel like I have reclaimed it as my own. It seems like I wrote it a million years ago and it was left on a shelf unopened. As soon as I posted it, I just felt good.

It was as though this worry I had on my mind evaporated. I know I am supposed to conform. I roll my eyes even saying that. 

When I grew up reading. I always hated the author waxing lyrical about the weather and scenery for paragraphs on end. I wanted to scream......Be quiet and get to the good stuff!!!

I promised myself if/when I ever wrote something I would never do that. I have tried not too. Maybe I haven't been descriptive enough?

I'm still not sure if I will end up editing it as I post it. I am not 100% satisfied with it. It was difficult because I was just writing it out of thin air.

I didn't have an outline really. I just had basic ideas, which I frequently deviated away from anyway. I would compose notes but I was making it up as I went and that is why I was frequently stuck for ideas.

I feel like more of a storyteller than a writer. I was never expecting to be famous and make eons of cash. I think I would probably have just liked it if whoever read it and enjoyed it, made a small donation.

But I feel uneasy asking for that because typically, the people that cannot afford it will give and the ones that actually are wealthy will not do it.

Life is expensive already so use that money for anything that gives you a bit of luxury if you can. I don't feel like my books are good enough to add a price tag to them anyway.

There was barely any traction on Wattpad because it is so huge and then the statistics page is no longer updating so at least here I can see if anyone has clicked on the page and been intrigued enough to think......Hmmm I could get into this...

#BlogLife61 - The nightmare that never ends

How are you doing today BlogFamily? It's strange how a lil innocent question can make you stop and think. Somebody checked up on me today and I can't say I'm not doing so good.

I just say I feel mixed. I am very stressed and on edge and that always without fail will manifest itself into my dreams. I felt drained so I napped and promptly woke up terrified.

I dreamt that I was falling without a safety net, harness or anything. It was just air all around me and nothingness. I did manage to fall back asleep but this feeling of anxiousness remains.

There is a person that I migrated away from but recently he offered some support so I always feel obligated to resume a very uneasy conversation.

It is so unnerving to constantly be on high alert because this person without meaning to, continually invades my boundaries. 

Today I found out he discovered something about me which I had not shared. I feel like he is pushing me to define myself. Like he needs to know personal information about me.

I have no idea how to say.... Back off please and just stop analysing me or assuming stuff about me. I really hate it and I feel I need another safe space.

I have just been avoiding him and I switched off notifications because I guess it is a normal thing to get to know one another.

But I feel like he should take the hints that I offer up and just realise he is overstepping. I guess normal people don't think twice about it.

They just say, yea ask me anything. I'll tell you this, that and the other but I see as the more I divulge, the more ammunition you have to use against me.

If I choose to tell you something, that is fine because I have thought about it previously and am comfortable with it but if you investigate me and find out things that I do not want you to know, now or ever.

Then I am weirded out by you and will probably create distance between us. I'm tired but I keep seeing horrifying images. 

Despite all the issues, I was really enjoying supporting people and to have this sudden down time is disheartening. I can just about respond to the regulars who message me.

I dare not accept a request for a live chat because of the frequent crashes. I am beginning to think they will never rectify it as it isn't profitable, just a money pit that flukily assists people.

I would love to be proved incorrect.

#BlogLife60 - Do these make me look beautiful or feel happy? Updating

I think it has been a while since I did any reviews so I thought I would share my experiences.

The aromatherapy associates refinery lip balm

This was the standard size tube or maybe a fraction smaller. I cannot honestly see the exact size because the font is too tiny. The scent is generic so nothing to get excited about.

It is slightly grainy which is unusual. It is easy to apply and feels good in the moment but it doesn't moisturise deeply just on the surface.

Later on my lips are still chapping and extremely dry. I would not recommend it.

Grace's plantain chips

I discovered these in Iceland and I wanted a snack that wasn't too unhealthy and loaded with salt. I don't think I have tried this make before.

On the site it just said salted and unsalted it was only when I read the label that I realised the unsalted version is sweet and equally as mouthwatering.

Actually they would probably be even better if you mixed them up together. Heavenly.

I am so used to them being thicker that when I tasted these that were crunchy and extremely thin, my taste buds were in heaven.

85g small sharing bag or just something to munch on your own, over time. It is so delicious and the best brand I have ever tried.

I would thoroughly recommend these and I am stocking up next time :) The price is 90p.

Herbal Essences bio renew conditioners

I got these from Superdrug. I think it was buy 2 and get 1 free or buy 1 get 1 free. I cannot recall but my hair was in need of some nourishment.

I have greasy hair and a dry scalp. It has always been this way. I purchased the argan oil and passion flower versions.

They smell wonderful, sweet and flowery. They are very thick so I add water and soften the mixture and then apply it. It is mostly easy to rinse away.

Now that it has been a few months. I realised that the first few times it does noticeably improve my scalp appearance. It is less dry, softer strands and my hair feels fuller and thicker.

But I have been cutting it regularly so it could be that? Now after a while. The conditioners stop feeling moisturising and does nothing for me.

I know this because I am now on my second or third bottle and once again my scalp feels less irritable and more healthier. My hair feels slightly silkier now.

The price is quite steep at £6 I do not normally spent that obscene amount but I got some offers so it made it bearable.

I am in two minds whether or not I would recommend it. For the price it is not good enough. It did last me a long time though.

I would only repurchase it, if it was on a really great offer and I had not found anything else I liked better. I would prefer to try other products though.

Ayumi turmeric, papaya and bergamot face wash 

At long last after being stern with the seller. They finally sent it out and still made pathetic excuses. Pfft. I will try it with and without my face brush and reveal the results.

27/5 is when I received it and I have two pimples. The rest of my face is pretty smooth and clear. The tube is such a pretty mauve shade but the liquid comes out clear which is not as fun.

I tried it on my face brush first. It doesn't foam which made me sad and I put a generous on but it felt like there was hardly any on the brush.

I think it must be super absorbing onto whatever surface it glides onto first. There is tiny faint smell. I was hoping for papaya but it is.. To be honest I'm not sure exactly but it is alright.

It is very moisturising and most of my face feels really clean and fresh. I have some places where it feels thirsty and in need of a heavier product or something that deeply penetrates my skin.

It is the evening now and I just tried it with my hands. It really doesn't blend well. It felt really thick on my face and although it is hydrating it.

It was really uncomfortable. My face felt smothered but hydrated. There are no dry patches at all. I don't think I would purchase it again.

It is a fair product but it doesn't have a strong scent, it doesn't froth up and it is a weird combination of not being thick enough, to being overly dense.

I think I prefer when something lathers up because that tends to go beyond the surface layer and get right down to where you need it.

Products that don't in comparison do not seem as worthwhile to me. I shall try it without the face brush tonight and let you know.

It is £5/6 depending where you purchase it from. I paid £3.50 including postage as I bought it on Ebay. What caught my attention was that it is targeted at combination and blemished skin.

That is me right there. My skin is both dry and oily. I have hormonal or too much sugar breakouts at times but normally it is limited to one or two pimples.

Since I use my cheap and cheerful pink face brush regularly my skin gets a deep clean and with a facial mask at the weekends it is ensuring that impurities get drawn out.

I am just waiting for it to arrive in the post and I cannot wait because I accidentally bought a face scrub as I couldn't see the writing properly and I always get caught out with Garnier.

There is a wash and a scrub that look identical and I always buy the wrong one. Grr. The reason I hate scrubs is because it is too harsh for combination skin.

It smothers the face and overloads it. Plus those silly annoying beads never wash off properly so they are stuck to my face and will not come off.

I will use it as a body scrub instead. I'll update this when it has arrived and I have tried it out.

I just thought I would mention that all the dark scars on my face are now gone. I can only assume it was the result of the face mask and face brush combination because nothing else cut it.

Generic Tweezers

I think these are unbranded and I have, well had two regular tweezers have lasted me years but are dull. I was tempted to get the pointy kind but I am afraid I would poke my eyes out :(

After doing a bit of quick research I gathered it was better to get stainless steel to prolong durability.

These have a slanted tip which I think I am used too. They cost me £2 with free postage and I have never seen grooves on a tweezer before.

Due to the fact I have weak delicate hands, I thought this would be a wonderful addition to make my life easier.

It doesn't mention that it is precision and I really hope the tip is wide enough, otherwise it would take twice as long.

As I said on twitter, these arrived yesterday with a free stainless steel nail included which is wide and will last me a long time, providing I do not lose it.

The grooves definitely made for an easier tight hold and although the tip seemed dull, it made light work of tidying my brows.

Within seconds they were tidy again and looking as though I just got a brow wax. After a minutes I do feel a it pinched and ever so slightly tender but I can deal with that.

The only negative is they are pretty hopeless on shorter hairs. They are fit for brows only. Anything more is just too challenging.

I wouldn't recommend them for all purpose usage but they are efficient and they grip where you want them too. I don't know if that makes them precision? :D

Biore Rose Quartz and Charcoal Face Wash

I was really surprised that this showed up today at lunchtime (24/5/21). I am slightly miffed my instructions weren't followed. The directive to not leave with the neighbours was ignored plus it was not sealed but it didn't leak and I was home.

It smells pleasant, to me it is like sweet alcohol with a flowery scent to it. It was easy to twist and activate the nozzle. I pumped and a lil bit came out.

It is a pretty pink shade that glimmers. It is quick thick so I mixed it with water and then it blended well. I didn't use the face brush this time.

My eyes didn't have any irritation even though I had a lil splashback but I flushed my eyes straight away. My face does feel softer and moisturised but dry patches remain.

In the evening I tried it with my face brush. It didn't exactly froth up but it was gliding on smoothly. Afterwards the scent lingers faintly and it feels like my face is heavily moisturised without the weight.

My face doesn't feel tight or loose. It is as though I put on a layer of moisturiser and then washed it clean. I am not convinced it will last a month as I apply it generously but we shall see.

I only had one or two blemishes and they have greatly reduced. My face is practically clear. I am trying to find something negative to find about but I can see anything.

I am going to update this later as time goes on. I just wanted to note my initial impressions. I will just say because of the vast number of people that have had adverse reactions.

Please do a patch test first on a small area and wait 24hrs to see if you are affected. I read reviews from different sites and still watch Youtube reviews so that I know what to expect from a new product.

After two weeks I have noticed that it doesn't prevent flare ups. My face has broken out a tiny bit here and there but it is manageable.

I just wanted to add that I am really astounded the bottle has not run out yet. I use it twice a day and as of (19/8) there is still some remaining and it is nearly 3 months later.

Slimming World HiFi Fruit and Nut Bars

These are £2 and because I am on my monthly I always crave chocolate or something sweet. I decided to try these and there is a layer of pure chocolate at the bottom.

They are small, thin and chewy and actually delicious. I don't usually go for fruity bars as the taste seems overpowering and unpleasant.

However with these there is a mild fruit taste but mostly chocolate and not especially a nutty taste but I would still recommend them.

I don't find them too sweet. I think they nailed it actually. There is six in a packet. Almost one per week and I am glad I took a chance on them.

Kind dark chocolate, peanuts and sea salt bars

I finally got my hands on these and I bought a 12 pack from Amazon for £12 but grr I have just seen that they have gone half price £6 for the same 12 bars!!

I hate when you just purchase something and then they reduce it. They are a really big thick size and filling and they definitely not lacking flavour.

It is absolutely packing with a bottom layer of chocolate and a lot of almonds and peanuts. I don't like salty snacks but the nice thing about these is the mildness.

It doesn't taste especially, overly sweet, salty or bitter. It blends well together and makes a wonderful snack to enjoy. They say it is gluten free, low carb and low calorie.

It reminds me of a topic chocolate bar.

**I know I could have left the links where you can purchase them but you might think I was trying to influence you so I thought I would just leave my thoughts instead.

#BlogLife59 - Can I tell you a secret? (mature audiences only)

Look at you leaning closer thinking this is going to be another candid session. Tsk tut! Sorry to disappoint you, although I may pop one in at the end if I can think of one..

Actually the reason for the title of the post is because people just open up to me and tell me stuff and I always think........ Why the hell are you telling me this?

Now when I say people. I refer to new acquaintances that I don't know well but have exchanged back and forths with. I don't refer to my readers who are free to reach out and express anything.

Someone just told me something recently and I just laughed because frankly what do you say to that, except.... Are you being serious?

If I am in doubt of the validity of the confession. I just make a joke. I mean what are you looking for, from me? Sympathy? Praise? Attention? It is not something you share with people you barely know.

I truly do not understand that person. They said life was routine and dull but I know they could change that and help other people but actively choose otherwise. That is weird right?!

I cannot reveal exactly what I've been told as these are not my truths to share. Just trust me that these revelations are huge. The thing is, most of the time, they come out of nowhere.

There is no connection to the conversation so I always feel confused as to why it was blurted out, to me, of all people. If a reader emailed me and said..

You talked about your self esteem issues in a certain post. I can relate to that because... I would treat that with sensitivity because that was difficult to admit to anyone, let alone a stranger.

However if someone I barely talk to just tells me something life changing. I am lot less supportive and understanding as I feel that they have unburdened themselves and put it on my shoulders out of selfishness.

I don't appreciate that action. As I have daily stress of my own and I am not looking to ease anyone else's suffering. I can do it for friends or family or even as an unpaid supporter.

But when it is not quid pro quo and you get to unburden and feel lighter and I do not. I will have to show you the door. I remind you once more, we are not friends or even that close.

I had someone recently appear in my life and I thought we were progressing from acquaintanceship to friendship but then I analysed the conversations and realised...

He does not give any of himself away. I repeatedly asked questions about his day or life in general and I get the same thing each time.

"Nothing happening, just work!!!" Sooo sooo sooo uninteresting. He is added to the ignore list. I'm not looking for secrets. 

Just bloody say anything. Yeesh. Now you want to know one of my secrets? Nosey aren't you? :D

Alright here goes. I only ever told one person this. Don't judge but when I was a teenager living at home, maybe I was fifteen/sixteen..

I left a man stay over in my room. Now before you jump to conclusions. Hear me out first. Lower those raised eyebrows please.

Grins. Thank you. The situation was, we had spent the whole just hanging out and talking. He was a distraction. One of the guys I used to keep me out of the house.

It was a light new flirtyish friendship. I don't even think we kissed or did anything more than hug. Anyway hanging out with him mean't that I got a break from being scared at home and the bullying.

It was getting really late and he walked me home and asked if he could crash at mine because it was too late to take a train so I said....

There is no way in hell that is happening. My mama would kill me but I kinda felt sorry for him as he had been listening to me vent all day and he had tried his best to be supportive.

Eventually he talked me into it but I said, you gotta stay quiet and you cannot get caught. You have to leave early and there is to be no messing around.

I think he was desperate enough to agree, having said he would sleep in a park bench if I didn't consent. I made him keep his clothes on and I did the same.

I had never slept with a man before so this was unnerving, awkward and slightly terrifying. My mama tried to burst in the room but I shut the door quickly.

That was the funniest thing ever. I just said a friend was staying over and she would just bunk down here and we wouldn't make noise.

My mama was like meh sure. Whatever. If only she knew the truth........Bahaha!!! Anyway he got up to use the bathroom and he comes back saying...

Oh my goodness. I just got caught by your mama and my face was priceless. I was swearing in my head. Thinking what am I going to say??

Then he said he was kidding. If murder was quiet. I would have massacred his ass!! He did try it on, as males always do. 

He climbed on top of me and just said "Don't worry it isn't big, you won't feel it." But I pushed him off and said there was no chance that was happening.

He also tried "We should strip off to be more comfortable. I can't sleep like this and you can't either." (To be honest, I couldn't but there was no way I would admit that).

None of his tricks worked and afterwards when he left unseen in the morning. I realised I was trying to force myself to like him and be attracted but I wasn't.

Plus the fact he had tried to take advantage of my hospitality and just bulldoze his attentions on me because I couldn't loudly protest didn't escape my notice.

I just blocked him after that. I don't think I was scarred by it. I was just naive and it was a reminder to be more careful. I wish I had been in the future...

#BlogLife58 - I could slap the confidence out of you easily!

Good evening BlogFamily :)

My day has been weird. I got my tweezers and a complimentary nail file which will come in handy as I lost and then regained my old one.

I treated myself to some partially wonderful italian cuisine. Creamy chicken tagliatelle with vegetables. It just needed something extra, seasoning maybe?

Lemon juice? I'm not an expert but the sandwich with avocado was scrumptious. The best bit was dessert. I have never ever seen a bakewell tart in a rum baba style before.

It looked like a chunky doughnut with a glaze over it and a sweet cherry stuffing. I could only have a bit because I was bloated and full.

It was the best dessert I have tasted in ages though. I am not sure if it was made fresh but it was a work of art. I haven't tried the tweezers yet.

I'll add it to the review page I am working on. Now on to the rant portion. The volunteer place had technical issues over the weekend and today they said "Hey all, it's fixed."

"We won't bore you with the details." I had this inkling that it wasn't repaired. I waited and did other stuff and came on and at first the app wouldn't load and there was noone queueing.

Then the app came to life and people were lining up. All I saw were male names so I laughed and thought nope. I am not prepared for some guy to screw up my head today.

I waited and finally females were pouring in and I accepted only to find...... Boom, nothing displayed. I could not see any of their messages.

None of mine were showing up. I decided to check my phone's version and amazing. Messages were displayed. I apologised and tried to type and..... You guessed it.

Absolutely blank. It was not presenting itself on the screen. Every time I typed something, the app crashed. It took me 3/4 times to reply.

On the member side it was so laggy to read. I had to refresh and wait it for it to load and it was hell for someone that needed to talk.

The worse part was them showing gratitude, when I wanted to kick something and apologise for the problems. I couldn't even end the session properly.

I went to the company and vented and then promptly left lol. I heard back with the usual company line. Thanks for being patient etc etc but people are too mild mannered, someone needs to scream a bit.

Why does every company cheap out? Only doing the bare minimum, the most thrifty fix possible to paper over the cracks.

Why not just make an announcement and say hey folks. I want to apologise for the gremlins. We are going to take a fortnight and fix it properly and afterwards there will be no issues arising for you.

Instead of grinning and saying, all better, We kissed the ickle wickle boo boo and everything is back to normal.

I shall continue to roll my eyes until there is a suitable permanent fix in place.

Imagine feeling vulnerable and low, reaching out then connecting with someone and then being totally ignored! Grr

*slap slap slap*

#BlogLife57 - The supermarket's addiction to pork

Why do supermarkets feel the need to add pork to every meal that didn't previously contain it? I am not a vegan or vegetarian and actively avoid most products that contain pork in them.

I do not like the smell or taste of it. There are chicken and vegetarian options that are handy for quick meals but as soon as I blink they are quickly removed and suddenly there is a pork element added to it.

We don't all have the obsession with it that you supermarkets do. Grrr it is so irritating to enjoy a brand and look forward to purchasing it again only to find it has been replaced with meat or pork!!!

Yes there are vegan and vegetarian options but the replacement stuff for some of these are cheap nasty copies of the high quality original.

Iceland had this delicious moreish macaroni cheese with a breadcrumb coating only to then remove it and replace it with... You guessed it pork meatballs. Yuckity!

That is just one example but there are too many to count. Here is my compromise. If you clearly insist on adding meat or pork to a perfect dish.

Have two variations. Create something for meat lovers with the addition of pork and for everyone else, just leave it untampered without meat.

That way everyone is happy!

#BlogLife56 - Mastermind spoof

"I've started so.." Hold on a second, why wouldn't you continue asking a question that has been partially asked? Just seems like common sense to me.

This was from a popular british television quiz show. His catchphrase was "I've started so I'll finish." Even though the buzzer rang out indicating the timer was up.

Are you ready to be put in the hot seat? Erm no, it isn't actually hot, that is another phrase.. (Oh boy this is going to be a long night).

Q1. I'll start with something easy as you are new. Imagine you are in a room that is filling up with water quickly. There are no windows or doors. How do you escape?

A) Hey. I thought you said these were going to be easy. I'm scratching my head.

B) Huh? Where are the multiple choice answers? I always pick A because that is my favourite letter and my name starts with-

Alright. I don't need to hear you life story. Stop flirting with me. I am a professional. By the way to get to my dressing room, turn left, then right, then another right.

Q2. What gets sharper the more you use it?

A) Wait wait wait. I know this one. Where is the buzzer. I actually know this one. It is a pencil.

B) Candidate A needs to take a long walk off a short pier. The correct answer is my temper! Now ask me something easy!!

Sighs. Whoever picked dumb and dumber is fired! What do you mean I am no longer your favourite Quizmistress? :o Take that back!

What are my hobbies? Noone has ever asked me that before..

I want to someday take over the world and make sure everyone owns the entire boxset of Garfield and only eats lasagne morning, noon and night.

What do you mean that is a terrible answer?? Look who is asking the questions me or you? 

That is outrageous! A mime would not make a better hostess then me!

#BlogLife55 - Approaching the unapproachable

If I describe myself I would never use words like popular or self assured or untrustworthy.

I would rather just be straight forward. I am prickly, reserved and disconnected. 

It actually surprised me that although I wasn't a people person. I am pretty damn good at reaching more than half the people that request me.

I figured out why and that is because I don't or I choose not to give any or much of myself away. I can be there. I can be useful and we can brainstorm.

But I am not turning myself inside out for you and I am not giving any further reports. We are not friends or acquaintances so I am invested but not completely.

If you are curious about the ones that I don't assist? Those are the ones misusing the app for dating/flirting/hookups/lewd behaviour.

Also some bark questions or they seek advice without wanting to explore the problem. I can do my best but if you are not willing to meet me halfway and help yourself.

I cannot either...

I think one to one's are less intimidating. Although I held my own also at the mixer and cracked people up.

I just commented on areas that I had extensive experience or knowledge regarding. 

If someone needs answers I can provide that without pressure. 

I think the problem lies when someone encroaches on my personal space.

They try to get to know me and in the beginning I can accept that but then I just want to ditch them.

Without realising it, I question everything. That is when the tests play out. 

Do I think it is fair to test someone without warning them? Hmm probably not but it's accurate! 

I do not like or trust people this is why I do this to weed out anyone unsuitable. 

Here are the tests. 

Does this person listen well and retain information I've shared? 

Does this person acknowledge something vulnerable I've told them? 

Does this person initiate and maintain the correspondence? 

Does this person show me I can rely on them and be equally supported? 

Does this person give me space? 

Is this person genuine? 

Does this person understand that I will give off hints and see if they can act accordingly?

Does this person give any of themselves to me? As in, when I ask a question, do they pack details into the reply and go further into different matters?

I can't think of anything else and I would never lean on someone straight away. 

I just wonder if the option will present itself. 

I think I've had so many suffocating and disingenuous people around me that I feel lighter when I'm alone. 

There is nobody clawing at me, demanding this, that or the other. 

I'm an expert bolter. If I'm in a chatroom I can deal with flirting because that is the environment and it's hand in hand with having a laugh. 

If I am anywhere else and someone comes close and they offer friendship I can tolerate that for a while. 

However if they then start flirting and change the dynamic. I do not like it. 

It just went from a safe space to interacting in an unknown territory. 

Now I feel trapped and there is an onslaught of questions and whoever is invading my personal space keeps creeping closer. 

That is when I escape because they have done nothing to reassure me that I'm still safe and that they will respect my boundaries.

I have to feel secure. I need to be able to breathe and wander around freely.

If you are still wondering why my attitude is so extreme towards people and entanglements.. It is because each time someone turns out to be unsuitable..

It just makes me feel bad about myself. I question whether I am lovable or maybe deep down I am just a bad person that doesn't deserve to be happy.

If I feel you are temporary. I will protect myself and start to distance away from you. 

I'm not looking for lifelong friends. I'm not searching for anything to be honest.

But I know that for me to be acquaintances, the above rules apply. 

I will take every precaution to avoid being hurt. As I cannot upset the daily balancing act of my life. 

Being in constant physical pain. Wanting to shut out memories of being in danger. Not sleeping and then when I do reliving the terror of being pursued.

I can only ever give short bursts of time because that is what I am comfortable with. Anymore and I feel you will take advantage. 

Now having said all that which I do not regret. I do wholeheartedly adore you readers because by showing up and being intrigued by my crazy thoughts you support me.

Your interest tells me that it is alright to be who I am and to express anything extreme that I need to, in order for me to heal.

I adore you and I can't thank you enough. I would just like to add one last thing. Don't think for a moment it has escaped my notice, that by you enjoying all the insane posts, you are just as twisted as I am!!!!!

Pfft. I am not buying your sweet and innocent act for a moment. I know there is a lil psycho rage in all of us :D

#BlogLife54 - I am right, you are wrong

I was thinking today about the different sets of people in the world. Half are open and the rest like me are closed. A few will be confrontational and others will sit back and follow the majority opinion.

I pondered about the people with stuck mindsets. They have such a definitive belief that anything you ask or comment they will dismiss it.

They have only one opinion and because they are not open to hearing what other people think, they miss out on another perspective.

It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong. It matters that it is an interesting topic and there are many factors about it. It is kinda sad that they have chosen not to educate themselves further.

I am beginning to think that they just want to lord false superiority over people which is frankly laughable without knowing all the diverse and wonderful views of others.

I have met a fair number of people like this and they are unpleasant to converse with. I will briefly try for a moment but afterwards I cannot take them seriously.

If you are truly knowledgeable about a particular subject, then good for you but just to let you know. Other people are aware of it too and know the same amount, if not more than you do.

You don't have all the answers and somebody out there is bound to have a take on it, that you didn't even consider.

In the end, who is really correct?

#BlogLife53 - Caring Vs Uncaring

 Afternoony all :)

I hope I didn't scare any of you away with the #BlogLife51 post but as you know I find it healthier for me to explore my feelings rather than bottle them up.

This is after all our safe space :) I thought I would explain something I said in #BlogLife50..

"I am caring on a clock, once the time is up.. I am sorry I don't give a damn. I have my own stuff to contend with."

I am not sure how you interpreted that but I would like to delve further into it. Most people have, give and take mutual strength relationships.

I do not. Person A get's to be vulnerable and low and Person B comes along to provide an ear and give them the confidence and tools to help them get back on their feet.

Then it can go vice versa so they are both getting a boost and getting to unburden their feelings in a calm environment. 

I have always had to prop myself up and do whatever it took to carry on. All people did was constantly come to me and offload their problems, so they felt better.

When it was my turn to get the same care and consideration. There was no time and effort or if there was it was soooo unusual that I was able to dismiss them easily because it felt weird to me.

They were always relieved to scarper so it proved my point, time and time again.

I was always being made to feel like they were doing me a favour by listening instead of it being natural and a thing that healthy friendships/relationships should do automatically.

If you see someone you truly care about in pain, shouldn't you want to reach out? Unless of course they tell you they need space.

Then if it was me. I would say. I respect your wishes. I am concerned about you but just know I will be here anytime you need me.

Now that I am volunteering. I have to be strong for other people whether they are genuine or not. However because I am taking on their stress and getting horrendous discussions from males also.

I occasionally have to step back and check in on myself. Make sure that I am alright because nobody else does. If you have thoughtful people around you, you can let go of your turmoil.

You can probably go a lot longer than I can. It is impossible for me to do the same though. I am already pulling away from those reaching out as I refuse to rely on anyone else now.

I have spent so long looking after myself, I don't think I can let anyone near me for that long.

If you need me, I will be around. I will do what I can. I respond to after hour chats because some are fragile and I am happy to do that.

If though, it comes down to a choice between you or me? I choose me every time.

I know that it doesn't seem nice or fair or reasonable to be selfish but I can only give so much until I burn out and there is nothing of me left.

No creativity. No smile. No peace. No laughter, the thing that brings me out of a funk, every time.

You get to feel better after I have listened. Who makes me feel better?

I guess I wanted you to know that there are reasons why I am the way I am.

It is hard for me to be open and it feels like it took me half my life to realise that it was alright to put myself first for a change. To love myself and know that I am equally as precious as you are :)

#BlogLife52 - I'm not a flirt! (Call spoof 2)

Hello sexy are you there?

Excuse me sir, what did you just refer to me as?

Sexy. You should be flattered that is a compliment. I made your day right? C'mon admit it!

Ahem. Please kindly refrain from using that language when addressing me. I am not here to flirt or date. I am here to listen and offer guidance, if need be.

I know. I know. I know. Listen chicky. Don't get your t-shirt in a bunch. It is just the way I talk, alright? I know this isn't a dating/flirting app.

I am very relieved to hear that you are aware of the intended purpose. I would be content if you stuck to respectful dialogue that made me feel comfortable.

*Sighs* As you wish. I'm sorry that you were offended by my friendly tone. From now on I shall behave, happy?

Thank you. That is all I ask. How can I assist you today?

Thanks for asking dollface. By the way lambchop, where are you from? How old are you? Are you single?

Sir. I am going to insist on asserting some boundaries. As I have said before, my purpose is to be there for someone in need.

All you are doing is flirting. I apologise if you are really in need of counsel but heed my warning and act accordingly. Thank you.

Whoa whoa whoa. Where did the hostility come from? I just think we would make a cute couple and have adorable babies.

I am not doing anything untoward. You are overreacting. Just hear me out. I am 35 year old hot tottie. 

Toned, gorgeous. My own bachelor pad, soon to include you in it, if you loosen up my soon-to-be-wifey.

I will sadly be off then, if you don't want to be my honey bunny *sniffles*

Clearly we are at cross purposes here. Feel free to request someone else to talk to but I will end this chat now.

**Just to point out these are all crazy spoofs. None of these are actual conversations. I take confidentiality seriously.

I just need an outlet of revenge against the people who frustrate, annoy the hell out of me and make me bite my tongue :D

#BlogLife51 - The opposite to being supportive

*Clenches my fist and punches you right in the face*

What is wrong with you? Huh? What on earth makes you think I or anyone here wishes to hear that?

What do you get out of someone terminating the chat time and time again?

Is it amusing to be sick in the head? I can't say I share the joke!

Frankly it is more disturbing that you do. Get some help. I mean professional help. I truly mean, expensive, mortgage the house help.

I have to sit here and be polite. I have to pretend not to cringe when I hear certain phrases.

I have to close my eyes and beg for it to be something normal, instead of something weird.

I have to give you the benefit of the doubt. Even though my mind is screaming....

"For the love of music, please be freaking normal."

Is that why you persist? You think that.. You won't be reported? Think again dumbass!

I used to have qualms about hitting the *report* feature but not anymore.

Nobody should have to deal with somebody that makes them physically shudder and feel unclean.

I don't even want to go back on there or speak to another male ever again.

I don't know why I can't shake this off but for now. I will take a break.

*Kicks you in the nuts repeatedly*

The thing is, that by me staying away, some vulnerable people are going to feel worse than they do already.

They will assume, they have been abandoned again and I don't want that.

I made a promise and commitment to be there for them and I will.

Don't take care. Don't come back. Do not ever speak!

#BlogLife50 - The cringe factor

Ugh I heard myself doing it again tonight. How do I stop it? I was asked to keep in touch, if I was happy to do so but I assumed it was an obligation.

I do not want to be that for someone. How do you know if it is genuine or if it is just someone being polite? I actually accepted the offer because frankly the interactions are light hearted and make me laugh.

I don't often find someone approachable and though this is, as usual, not romantic/flirty etc or any of that nonsense. It is enjoyable and a way that makes my day bearable.

Especially after hearing some of these conversations. That I cannot discuss with anyone. I rambled another cringy reply to him. 

I was seriously going to paste what I said but I can't lol. It is so soooo bad. He just sent me a reply and it just went from lighthearted to deep. Eek :D

I made a lame joke and he thought I was questioning his motives? Actually I was just being my usual goofball self :D I clarified that just now and something else.

It's weird that someone I thought that was neutral appeared to be in flirt mode-ish. I let my guard down unnaturally and then I realised the truth and it went back up.

I have been avoiding him ever since. He failed the test and answer. I have these factors I look out for to see if someone is caring/honest/reliable.

I am sick of investing in the wrong people. The new person seems genuine but I remain on high alert for any changes. I let something slip today.

Time will tell if it was a mistake. I disclosed that I never feel heard and that I can manage to be there for others easily but no longer expect the same in return.

Also I said that I made the assumption I was being an imposition because I am not used to being supported and so it obviously must be an inconvenience.

He said he was joking but there are kernels of truth imbedded inside the response. However he addressed everything I said. Which I guess was the test I was looking for!

I just got my answer. He said he just enjoys listening to people so I will just take that and accept it.

He is the opposite to me. I am caring on a clock, once the time is up.. I'm sorry I don't give a damn. I have my own stuff to contend with.

I kinda wanted to ask him, if he ever feels like saying....

"Why are you asking/whining to me? I got better priorities. Leave me alone. Shish. I can't even enjoy a cupcake in piece!" :D

#BlogLife49 - From self hate to self love

Afternoony lovelies :)

As you have been following I have had a rough couple of days but I want to share with you what helped me get through it, as I was beating myself up over it nonstop.

1. First I just had to acknowledge there was an issue. 

2. Then I had to step away completely.

3. My biggest hurdle was seeking help but I did it.

4. When I got the help I desired. I had to open up. Eeek.

5. I had to be as honest as possible, there was no point otherwise.

6. Vent, vent and vent some more, until it is all out. Good job I have a handy blog for that :D

7. Take onboard what the support system was saying.

8. Acknowledge every single messy thought and feeling that cropped up.

9. Realise that although I am not a perfectionist. I always feel the need to prove myself as good/smart/competent.

10. Thank, show gratitude and appreciate, whoever is in your corner :)

11. Completely dissolve any sort of pressure to return.

12. Have fun. Remind yourself what joy looks like. I chatted, I watched cheesy shows. I put on happy tunes.

13. Take my own damn advice. I'm just human, making mistakes is part of that, use the good, leave the bad.

14 Pamper time! I gave myself a facial, used my face brush, a mud mask, tried out a banana clip which broke within minutes of using.

For those first seconds though. I looked adorable!! :D

15. Take steps and do whatever feels right to you, not what you feel you should, not what others say but what you want! 

Your voice is the only one relevant here!

After picking myself up and admitting to myself that despite what Dr K said I did make several boo boos. I did some research,

I looked over his notes and just picked out things I needed to hear and what he suggested. I added it to my cheat sheet and now I feel prepared.

I had another set of challenging talks and I became a rockstar again. I handled it and I made sure those people were safe in the world I create for our chat.

I think I will always feel I haven't done enough but every time I do. I will read these quotes.

"You are already helping a lot by just being there."

"It is adding up to that person not going further down because you decided to take that interaction."

I will leave you with this pro tip. When doing anything like this, put on really happy feelgood music on. It breaks up the intensity and somehow the drama has less impact.

Detaching becomes easier to accomplish.

#BlogLife48 - Things people say to contact lens wearers

I've been wearing hard prescription contact lens since I was about 16yrs I think and I get asked or told the same things over and over again.

It takes every ounce of self control not to roll my eyes. This is for the curious amongst you and my lovely fellow lens users.

I could do never do that, I hate touching my eyes.

You get used to it.

All that effort, is it even worth it?

What effort? Oh you mean buying saline to store the lens in and rinse them from the cleaner?

Purchasing a tiny overpriced cleaner to disinfect the lens from moisture, makeup, eyelashes, scratches, general dirt?

Obtaining overpriced protein tablets to get rid off build up from your eyes watering?

Getting lens cases that are designed to leak so you waste product and then cannot even see if your lens are even safely stored.

Plus you can't even see how far to fill it up because it is transparent. Who was the idiot that designed those?

But yes it is worth it.

Why?

You people with perfect vision have no idea what it is like to look out and see blurriness. It's actually a pretty scary experience.

There are times when in the morning, my glasses have fallen and I need those to see where my lens case is or to see in general.

I used to love swimming but I hated removing my lenses and walking around only sensing blurry outlines. It's a horrible feeling.

The same as being outdoors when it's dark and then I can't make out shapes at all. I recall when I was little before I had lenses and getting up to go to the bathroom or kitchen and not being able to see the light switch.

I knew the layout of the house obviously but somehow not being able to see made everything turn around. I wasn't able to get my bearings.

But still though, I don't want to deal with that, I'll just wear glasses.

That obviously means you do not have an insanely high prescription like I do. I am extremely short sighted. My world was tiny wearing spectacles.

I couldn't see out of the sides. I couldn't wear sunglasses. I would get lots of headaches from the sun and general eye strain. I could see but not well.

I struggled with reading, writing, signs, numbers and especially seeing people from a distance. It was all unrecognisable.

People were always offended that I ignored them. The truth is I couldn't see who they were, sometimes even up close. I was unsure.

I still don't understand what makes contact lenses worthwhile?

The only way I know how to explain it, is this. When I wore glasses it felt like I had 50% vision. The day I tried on lenses, my eyes were watering..

The optometrist was shouting not to blink but despite all of that, when he said go walk around and see how it feels.

I was amazed. Accurately it isn't true but I felt like to me I had 100% vision. I could see completely from the front and sides. I found everything easier.

I was constantly told my vision wasn't weakening but improving and that I was doing well.

That is why I love that I am a contact lenses wearer even though I lose the tiny suckers all the time. It still beats the alternative!

I hope that clarified everything to anyone interested. Yes my eyes water every morning and occasionally it burns when the lenses are in, as the cleaner lingers on the lens but it is life.

I forgot to mention the random fogging up on the lenses that are clean but when I blink, laugh, get warmer, it goes all hazy and I can't see properly :D

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to get in touch.

#BlogLife47 - Helping by not helping

Dear Dr K.

Thank you doesn't seem adequate enough. 

I just realised something. For somebody who said he was busy and didn't have much time to spare....

You dropped everything, took an hour and supported me. I mean me, the woman who doesn't have anyone. 

Why the hell did you do that?

You could have just said meh, tomorrow or someone else will handle it but no you stepped in and I kept pushing you away. 

I shared a fraction. I encouraged you to leave and enjoy your weekend but it was as if you knew my tricks and dismissed them easily. 

I'm really not used to it and when I knew you were staying.. 

I opened up partially and then completely. 

I kept waiting for you to say. I was wrong and I mishandled it but you didn't. 

You said I took it in my stride to some degree.

You said that after what I experienced, most people would have uninstalled the app.

Was I self serving? Should I have insisted you leave? I don't know. 

It feels like for all those people I assisted, the two I didn't cancels it all out. 

Am I cut out for this if I can't do it properly? Will I continue to make errors and worsen lives? 

It's hit me pretty hard because what I didn't tell you Dr K is that I related to them. 

You would have thought I was unhinged and kicked me out. I have felt true despair. 

I have been lost, inwardly begging for help and yet not making a difference today, means I'm useless again. 

I realised after we spoke that I'm a selfish person. The first chat was so bad that I didn't want to deal with the second. 

Another person would have handled it better even though she said everyone terminated her chats without a reason. 

All she wanted was support and I couldn't give her that. You told me I'll do better next time.

I just wanted you to lie and swear that I wouldn't get two back to back conversations that floored me. 

I feel unsure. Do I reach out and say. It turns out I can listen after all or do I just leave it and quit? 

There are unspecific guidelines because she could potentially fall into both categories and I wasn't sure if I was allowed to engage with either one, to be honest.

With the first I did because I felt like he needed to be heard and with the second I didn't want to break the rules and it was unclear.

I'm truly sorry Patient's X and Y that I didn't support you in the manner you deserved.

I froze and didn't say everything I was supposed too. I just did a partial of it. 

I was so arrogant with the routine engagements that I totally forgot about the scary ones.

I'm still rattled and mad at myself but thank you for taking time out of your night to offer perspective.

To also help me decompress. I appreciate it. I'm not sure I feel better but I needed badly to get it out of my system.

How did I not have it on my cheat sheet? That I created to help me focus on the accurate techniques?

Today's post is kinda weird considering how I ended the last one.

I just needed to vent. I'm grateful you let me until you felt I had fully got it all out. 

You remained for all of it and you didn't judge me at all. You were kinder than I deserved. 

Whatever I did and said just didn't feel enough. I'm not looking to cure it, just to lessen.

I do not feel as though I achieved that. Dr K is such a funny nickname! I can't believe you offered to be there again. Such a glutton for punishment.

I declined out of guilt for taking up your time.

This is the first time it hasn't been self therapy. The worse thing out of all of it was being thanked by both of them. For what? I didn't do a damn thing!!!