Dim and grim, phone death?

I woke up to a frightening sight. My brand new Samsung baby was alarmingly dead. I thought this was unusual because it normally has about 50% battery remaining. 

I thought maybe I had set the dimmer too aggressively to avoid eye strain but the screen wouldn't turn on at all. 

I plugged it into the fast charger cable and it showed 40% so I took it off and the screen wouldn't wake at all.

I was trying to peer and tap randomly to disable the screen dimmer but i couldn't see anything at all. 

I looked up how to force a reboot and I had to press down the power and volume down key simultaneously. 

Finally my phone turned on and then within a few seconds blacked out. I didn't see the screen dimmer notification that it was even on.

I turned the brightness as high as I could but it quickly disabled itself, fading and then turned off. I pressed random buttons and even called myself but nothing worked.

The phone was definitely on but the display was off. I know this because when I called myself it rang and didn't say the phone was off.

I started googling for answers and read things about damaged screens but mine was in perfect health. I saw a few Youtube videos and the last one helped.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMwX48inS7o

The display was normal in safe mode but in regular I only had a couple of seconds to try different things to fix it. 

When I went through the steps in the video it seemed to give me extra time and then the dimmer application came up and was 95% eek.

Turned it off and wowser, all better again. I hope you're all managing to find some way to enjoy the holidays. My insomnia is back so sleeping is a challenge.

My tip to avoid this nightmare in the future is download a dimmer application which will let you automatically turn itself off at sometime in the morning.

Even if you make the same mistake and set it too low, at least by the morning it will turn itself off and you will have your display present :)

That's what I have done now and can breathe easy.

Presents wise. I got giftcards, credit, body butter, perfume, contact lens stuff and makeup brushes. I knew mum would love the perfumed lotion and wash.

They smell amazing.

Home for Christmas?

I'm so tired. I've been having horrendous pmt. I haven't been sleeping properly wondering whether to go to mums or stay home.

I don't know how many Christmases I have left with her and I couldn't bring myself to disappoint her and leave her alone as the other two seem stranded. 

I tossed and turned last night pleading for sleep but I hardly got any. Maybe an hour or two if I was lucky. 

I set the alarm and just got ready, packed and as usual left my Perfectil vitamins at home. There's always something I forget. 

I had a friendly cab driver who actually helped with the bags. Normally they sit there and pretend not to notice me struggling with three heavy bags. 

I'm just laying down typing while mum's out buying fresh bread. I don't think I can sleep but every part of me aches with exhaustion. 

I'm so glad my nightie from Amazon came prematurely. They predicted the end of the year. I got to try and locate it from the presents I got from mum.

I just have no energy. I'm lucky that yesterday I got my first real advent competition win.  A £10 Currys/PC World voucher.

I'll probably put it towards headphones. I hardly ever get lucky on the instant wins but sometimes fortune smiles at me. 

I'm stuffed having consumed a portion of mama's world famous (to me anyway) lasagne. She's been cooking it since I was preteen.

I never liked spicy food but Italian food, I fell in love with. I really can't keep my eyes open. One of the random's keeps bugging me.

As it's a new phone all the numbers are unblocked. I don't even know which one it is, who is suddenly bored and thinks I'll entertain him.. 

He texted saying hi. Nothing else, then called while I was in the cab. I just rejected it. I'm guessing it's Mr Clingy. 

What happened to the days when men had deep voices? The recent bunch all sound effeminate. Ugh, unappealing. 

I want a relaxing voice I can fall asleep with. Something soothing I can fractionally open up too and then dismiss when he's served his purpose and I need peace and space.

That's not harsh right? I'm just not a people person. I need solitude to breathe. The only thing that hasn't arrived is mum's Turkish delight.

I reckon the Lindor hazelnut truffles we'll open tonight and I have just tried them, absolutely lovely. I also tried on the nightie and it fits sublimely.

I bought it extra large and although it isn't as thick as I thought it would be. It's definitely a smart improvement on the others I would have chosen.

I just used my face brush for the first time in ages. I gave myself a mini facial with my mud mask and mum bought me a new face wash.

Pears I think it's called. Gorgeous fragrance and it was a pound. My skin is so smooth and soft now. I'm sure the lil blemishes I have will soon fade.

The only thing I miss is my cordless shiatsu massager for my aching muscles. I just could not bring a fourth bag though, that would be overkill.

Wish me luck that I'll finally sleep properly tonight...

Prime trial

I had some free compensation on Amazon and a fair bit in my Amazon gift card so although I'm not going to be home, I decided to shop anyway.

I'm having it all delivered to mum's as hopefully I'll be there when most of it arrives. I just felt bad about the lack of stocking fillers so I decided goodies were needed.

Turkish delight for mum, not a fan myself. lindor hazelnut truffles which I have always wanted to try and I finally saw a long thick wintery nightie that would actually keep me warm.

I've been browsing the catalogues and watching them reduce in price but the majority are flimsy, short and don't seem durable. I prefer to invest in something will last.

The last one I bought from Amazon is still going strong, three years later. The others I have purchased just seemed to rip or tear.

I am going to be swimming in it because I am just over five feet but at least I can sit down and it won't ride up. It is floor length on me.

I played it safe and went for the black. Short sleeves with a little detail design on them. It's a satin mix but really thick and heavy. It should arrive late December/early January and I can't wait.

I bought it extra large because I didn't want it clingy, when I'm lounging. Also I find it better to go up a size on Amazon. The lindor is due tomorrow and the turkish delight is arriving at the end of December too.

The best thing about the lindor is that it was free. I think when I complained about some order, they stuck on my account. It is kinda mean that I had to pay postage for the dress.

Prime should mean everything is free delivery but the gift card still covered everything with £2ish leftover. I did have a Prime trial early in March I think.

I am surprised they offered me another one but as It's Christmas, I suppose they want to encourage people to shop. I never have any issues with cancelling after the month is up and sometimes they extend it for another month.

I never used to like signing up to trials but if it is easy to cancel, then it is definitely worth it for bulk buys or to save postage costs.

I can't remember if you get a time slot. Not long to go now and I shall be out of here. No more wins, fake or otherwise.

December ramble

It's been a really strange couple of months with the laptop, phone, wifi, Youtube and Blogger all crashing. It was such a fright, trying to load Blogger and Google saying there was an error.

Wifi wouldn't load, Youtube didn't either but I still thought my blog had been deleted. It was only after I tweeted, I noticed others were having the same issues but then a second later, everything was working again.

I do love entering the Advent competitions and some have these festive games or slogans which are cute. I never win those bar once but it's still a lot of fun.

My enjoyment in the Advents waned because of all the fake winning notifications. I have received about four now and at first I was excited and then I realised it was a scam to get my details :(

However I did have a huge win but it wasn't on the Advent. When I say big. I don't mean over a £100 worth. I mean just under but for me that is massive.

As I've been stressed out with chronic pain, setting up the blog, trying to finish the book and trying to do anything without a laptop/phone and no internet.

I want to get the book done so I can relax. I'm working on the 34th chapter but I have zero enthusiasm and inspiration. At this point I am racing to get through it and will probably have serious editing in the New Year.

I just found out the beauty salon I usually visit is actually open for the moment so me and mum are going to do our pedicures and I'll get my brows done after all, either this week or next.

The beautiful cardigan type top I ordered from Amazon has been declared lost. I think customs kidnapped it as the tracking never updated once and I bought it on the 9th November so I got a refund.

The nightie I ordered from Freemans on the 6th December is finally due to arrive either tomorrow or Wednesday, communication and tracking has been lapse so I had to chase them up.

All the Christmas shopping is done but I could do with a few more bits and pieces but I'm not ordering anything else as it is too slow and I am hoping I'll be away so I can take a break from all writing.

Mum did let let slip that she adores turkish delight, so I may purchase some of those and homemade fudge for an extra treat.

I've been craving chocolate myself. I don't know if it's hormones or because I have rarely been snacking. I don't know if I've lost any inches, doesn't feel like it.

My followers are fluctuating wildly but I have gotten to the point where I no longer care about followers or interaction. 

I'm just going to do what works for me and what I enjoy which is my Ramo commentaries because I love the show and it makes me laugh.

The Hercai ones I stopped because when I started trashing Reyyan, people stopped reading and it was too much effort for very little reward.

I still comment on Twitter but I'm way more interested in the Harun/Yaren pairing. I wish that they had showed more of their relationship developing.

At what point did Yaren realise she cared for Harun as more than just a meal ticket? When did Harun realise that the woman he was stuck with wasn't the devil but someone he could get to like because there was more to her than meets the eye??

My Samsung A41 baby :D Update

I was fretting so much that the courier today who arrived promptly at 1pmish after the text/email hour window was going to refuse to hand over the phone.

Now they have this new photo identification thingy. Passport or driving licence required. I don't drive and my passport is years out of date because I can't travel.

Luckily though he just glanced at it and nodded and I had my new baby in my hands. I haven't had a Samsung phone in years because of the appalling battery life.

I hope it's improved. This A41 has a 3500mah battery capacity and the G6 Play had a 4000mah battery. As usual putting the fiddly sim and memory card into the tiny tray was a pain but I managed it.

I was surprised there was no music player but I remember I've been using Dub for ages now as you can increase the speed and when I'm outdoors lacking energy. I need something up tempo.

Spotify and Netflix were also installed. I get 6 months free of something but I can't remember what. It's probably BT Sport which I don't watch and it was 6gb of data I get with the Halo deal.

Still the same unlimited broadband/wifi, minutes and texts. It kept saying it could copy over most of my information and downloads but that wasn't the case.

I had to manually add numbers to the phonebook but at least this time I could have the option to save them on the sim card. I had to download my apps and games.

The updates didn't take that long. It did it twice. I've got Android 10 and supposed to get 11 next year I think. I had version 9 on the old phone.

I'm so relieved it is lightweight. The other phones, one is even smaller but heavier and this is the biggest being 6.1 inches yet weighs less, thank goodness.

I haven't got a red case yet. Saw a few deals on Ebay. I'm not going to pay a fortune. I will just get those rubbery cases that are not too heavy.

I like that it has it's own note app. Hopefully it has auto save and I didn't realise that instead of signing up to samsung I could just use google instead.

I already put some Christmassy wallpapers on. I must have fast charging because it seems to be a bigger cable. I tried using my regular charger and it wouldn't fit.

It is lightning quick. I think in just under an hour it was fully charged. It had about 30% battery life at the start but after the downloads and customisations it depleted.

I didn't have any trouble pairing my bluetooth headphones. The mobile data also seems to be working fine although I didn't test it for long.

I'm really not keen on the settings menu being at the bottom in the Samsung browser and not on the top at the side but I guess I'll used to it unless I make Adblock my primary web application.

I haven't seen any lags. I'll test it tonight when I'm half asleep. At least it'll be comfortable to hold. It's very illuminated on the lowest setting but maybe being on adaptive brightness helps.

No issues with calls and texts. Very clear and straightforward. I deleted all the bloatware I could and now have 46gb available from the 64gb of internal storage.

The Edge Lighting notification is disappointing. I thought it would be more prominent. Eye catching to quickly alert to messages or calls.

Just seems very modest and barely noticeable. I got to experiment with the gaming and videos and then I'll really see if the battery performance has improved.

I'll update later on at some point. It's now the afternoon and last night I was watching a movie and doing some internet surfing. I didn't game as I was too tired.

The battery is now 61% after making calls. It is very sensitive to knocks and I don't know why the location keeps turning itself on. 

I saw the Edge Lighting on full screen with no applications open for the first time and it is indeed bad. Not something that would make me take notice at all.

Oh another thing I realised. I think they turned a stand alone music player into Youtube Music. I don't really understand how it is supposed to play my mp3s as nothing comes up.

I downloaded Dub Player anyway. It was too confusing. I'm probably missing a setting and actually I would prefer the original Youtube application as that gives me notifications.

So far I am happy with my choice. I just cringe at some things. Why did Samsung just change my Google email address??? The Samsung keyboard is way too high it takes over the screen and I can't reduce it.

I'm trying it out though as SwiftKey with it's auto correct doesn't always work well. It does seem to fix my typing errors. I'm going to stick with Samsung for a bit.

I don't use pin codes or the finger print scanners as I want quick access and my phone is never left unattended unless I'm with family or friends and they know not to just pick up my phone without asking first.

I don't know what they call it but the front dip thingy doesn't bother me at all. I was too sleepy last night but today I realised. When gaming or watching films..

It disappears so you get the full screen experience. I think that is clever. I'm glad they did it that way. My favourite things are the brightness and the weight.

For other phones I would have to make the screen a highly illuminated which would kill the battery quickly, with this one I set it a fraction and it is crystal clear.

The reason I'm obsessed about the weight is because my hands and the rest of me suffer from chronic pain. It is not even from doing strenuous activities.

It is literally from anything. Just typing now. I feel painful twinges. The phone is so comfortable in my hands and it doesn't feel enormous. The phones lasts a day and that's perfect for me.

Anything else you want to know, just ask.

Writing on hold?!

Ugh I really don't need anymore expenses but for the past two days my internet has been crashing every few minutes. 

If I am lucky, I get an hours usage but it is taking three times as long to do anything. 

I rang up customer services and the first thing they did was try to fob me off with a text service to test the line and other issues. All I had to was text reply.

Only as it turns out there was a premium surcharge, so I called back up and spoke to a human who was obsessed with my broadband speed?

What does that have to do with anything. I cannot connect to the blooming internet. I don't care how fast or slow it is. Actually it is adequate.

After about an hour of restarting and resetting the router and having no luck he suggested a possible £85 Engineer callout. Grr. 

After he disconnected for the third time. I reset the router again and finally I was back online for about an hour before it crashed.

I was tempted to cancel the appointment but what if it keeps happening and the next callout isn't until after Christmas? As much as I hate the idea, I might as well keep it.

Thursday morning from 8-1pm. I have been switching from my data allowance to wifi. Luckily I haven't used my 1gb data up yet.

I know I have to renew my broadband and landline bundle deal and my phone contract is ending in March but having checked the website..

It says I am eligible for an early upgrade. My hands would thank me if I got a small phone but there is not much choice available.

I really want a reliable Samsung. I was reading and unfortunately I think they are getting rid of the LED notifications. Why? 

It is so useful. I don't know why mobiles are getting ludicrously bigger again. It puts such a strain on my hands but I guess except for gaming and texting I could start using the loudspeaker more.

I've never gone for the latest phone before but the Samsung S20 has the cutest red shade. Although typical it is not available on upgrade just sim free. Grr.

It would cost me £50 and I could get blue but the size is 6.5 inches. Yikes. My current G6 Play is only 5.7" and it really big and heavy.

I wonder if I could sweet talk a deal into paying nothing at all and getting a free handset? Cheese and crackers. The Samsung A71 is even bigger at 6.7 inches.

What is wrong with these phone manufacturers?? After missing yet another call. I was fed up and called BT Mobile for a casual chat and spoke to the loveliest assistant.

You can tell the difference between someone doing a hard sell who doesn't care about customers and someone who genuinely enjoys their work and wants to help.

She asked what my needs were and took me through several options and brands and even though I chided her for having boring colours..

She helped me decide on the Samsung A41 in tedious black. It is 6.1 inches but it is also lighter. Sadly the free case offer has ended :(

Oh it was released this year. I assumed it was old because there are so many versions released. My overall costs are lowered.

The funny thing is I didn't even have to negotiate at all. She just kept offering me perks. I'll get the handset probably by Thursday, unless they get lost again and visit the wrong place.

The data is either 3gb or 6gb. I'm not quite sure. I have Halo now and unlimited wifi anyway. My allowance used to be 1gb because I only needed it when I was out and about or for the times when I have no wifi.

I'm still confused about whether to cancel the Engineer. It is 7.05pm and the broadband has been good for at least an hour. I will probably just watch it for the rest of the evening to see if it is steady from now on.

Please be a good quality mobile phone and I hope the calls stop dropping and the sound works. I hope the battery life is great too. 

Plus I wonder if it has notification lights and will it drain the battery to have whatever activated? As long as I can visually see something when the display is off without having to turn it on and check.

At this point anything has to be better than the Motorola with no sound or vibration, dropping calls, dropping wifi and crashing apps.

I really hate faffing around trying to get the sim the right way and the memory card inserted. It's only got 64gb of internal storage. I wonder if that will be enough with Samsung's bloatware? 

Misunderstandings

I lingered and bumped into you tonight. You were the farthest thing from my mind but there you stood cheerily saying hello and I felt so guilty.

I just blurted it out. I didn't want to be acquaintances anymore. You were shocked but you just quickly composed yourself and nodded alright.

I know that wasn't what you were expecting or maybe deep down you realised I just couldn't take your silence any longer. I explained though that I wanted more.

Crikey I just realised we spent about two freaking hours saying goodbye. That is insanity. I hate long endings but I just didn't know the right words to say adios.

I talk, you listen. You don't talk and I wait. I can't do that anymore. I can't lie to myself and say I'm content when I'm not. You thought we were both purposely elusive and that was our agreement.

In the beginning maybe it was. Over a year later though or is it two years off and on? I wanted more of you. I was curious about what was happening in your life.

You were one of my most favourite people to see and engage with but the other side of it was nothingness. I want to call you my friend but you aren't.

I hate you for making me laugh and smile just like old times. You weren't furious or resentful just surprised. We slipped back into the familiar pattern of teasing each other.

On one hand it is all so easy and straightforward. There is a line that says casual conversations and everything else is forbidden.

Would it have killed you to open up a bit more? What hurt the most is you were still trying to keep in touch. You still wanted to talk if only in short bursts.

You said I was harsh. That you would still leave it up to me to decide. That you would be there if I ever wanted to say hi or talk a bit.. 

I just cannot. It's all or nothing and I'm not asking you to do anything. I'm telling you. I am eradicating you from my life completely.

I am going to miss you so much. I didn't know you but the little I did I liked. You can't ask me to stop wanting more and accept you and then still distance yourself from me. 

I laid it all out for you and I knew you weren't going to suddenly say. I had no idea. Let me start with the little things. I had zero hope.

It was so difficult to face you and tell you all this. I can't have a half hearted friend. It kills me too much. I wanted you in my life but not like this.

I'm bravely standing up and setting the terms for what I want and what will make me happy. I don't have many people in my life.

I know I keep them at a distance. I test them. I run from them. I give only a brief glimpse until I know them better or they have passed my tests.

I do it to protect myself and my heart. I don't want to invest in someone that isn't a keeper. Somehow you slipped through. I doubt you'll even think about me after tonight.

You'll shrug it off. You won't have any regrets. It's going to hurt to see you though. I made the right choice. There is nothing wrong with craving something more meaningful.

There is no turning back now J. Damn you. 

Wraps my arms tightly around you and holds you close. Kisses you cheek and then walks off hurriedly without looking back.

Waves my hand and whispers Goodbye.

Downside to comping! Update

Today I should be happy. I got a notification that I won a prize. Sounds good right? I thought so too but I am dealing with some piece of work... 

They inspired me to write this post. First the ambiguous message. "Confirm the listing on my site before I certify the prize has expired."

Someone translate because was that even English? I was scratching my head thinking. What am I supposed to do. I just went and wrote I think I've won but I'm not sure how to claim.

The suspicious thing is that person didn't reply to my message but kept responding via messenger. I don't know if it is even a legitimate reply.

I'm not used to jumping through hoops just to claim a simple prize. Next I get an immediate response. "I'm not forcing you to take the gift. Unfortunately you are the winner. The opportunity will only come once for one person."

WTF!!! All I asked was how to claim. Next the person says register on the site I list. When I click on the link, my security says warning do not go to that site.

I unblock out of curiosity and it is a spam site. I tell the person it will not let me sign up and so I am doing it through Google.

The person seems agitated. I am so fed up at this point. I don't even want the thing. They keep saying follow my instructions.....

After I register then I have to send proof of it via a screenshot! (I'm literally banging my head against the wall at this point). A message says, you are already registered.

I don't know if I have previously or not. No confirmation comes through but that could be because it is the weekend. Then I get told Customer Services will contact me about the prize after I have sent the screenshot.

My last frustrated. annoyed, murderous reply is that..... If I get an email. I will send all the information you want but so far nothing has happened.

I hate this part of comping. Either the host of the giveaway doesn't reply at all unless you threaten with the comping regulators.

Or they make you go through a million steps each fraught with difficulty! I've experienced all of it and it stresses me out. I've also not received prizes which isn't nice but for small items. I don't care at all.

I just think it's disgusting for promoters to offer prizes that they have no intention of handing out. It's also hard to know who to trust with spam so widely targeted.

I shall update here or on Twitter. Right now I am going to relax and watch Ramo :) I decided to call up the host of the competition to avoid any further complications and get answers.

The lovely woman I spoke to was completely shocked and told me that is not how they respond to potential winners and she wanted screenshots and as much information as I could remember.

I just compiled it all and sent it. I'm quite gutted not to have won a hamper after all but these things happen and I trust my instincts.

She said she would get back to me but there is no need even Facebook has flagged it as suspicious. I hope noone else got taken for a ride.

Oh well back to legitimate comping....... :(

I feel empty (fiction)

I pick up a pen to write and nothing pours out. I get up and walk outside, unencumbered by possessions such as my bag filled with a purse or phone.

I stuff my keys into my pocket and stride purposely forward but to where and in what direction? I do want to communicate. I want to put my words out for you to see..

I just can't right now. I'm back to pulling away and shutting down. I feel like a robot just getting on and doing what needs to be done.

I just don't feel like me. My phone has been off for days now and every time I look at it I feel guilty. You're just not what I need right now.

Hell I am totally clueless as to what will help me. I need to get it done. I need to close that part of me that almost feels adrift. Every single time I talk to you...

My mask slips back in place. My tone changes. I pretend I'm happy. Content and not sick or in pain. I don't showcase my fears.

I feel trapped inside myself. My mind switches between my teenage years, twenties and thirties. My body feels a hundred years old.

I can't sit comfortably. I don't even have the capacity to lay out in peace. If I close my eyes, there is nothing but the sound of the wind howling.

I continue treading along this unfamiliar path but I feel like all I am doing is chasing shadows. Talking to myself helps but surrounding myself with you doesn't.

Why is that? Why don't you help? You don't have the time? You have your own problems? Blah blah blah.. That is why I don't bother to let the deception slip.

Even if you cared. I don't have the strength to explain it. It's not that I mind being alone or not having anyone dependable that truly knows me..

It is the fact that I resent it. I hate that bad people have a whole support system and people to listen endlessly and I don't.

I never did. I think about death, dying and aging constantly. I wonder about who will take care of me when I can't manage? I wonder if the pain will go back to being unbearable?

I contemplate whether I will go back to screaming all night because it doesn't stop. It doesn't let me be. Will the nightmares and panic attacks hit harder??

I'm sick of reliving it and I am tired of feeling this way. There is no outlet or release. I sit down on a bench and rest. I pull out a lighter and flick it on and off until I burn my fingers and drop it.

I close my eyes again and all I see is the flame burning brightly. It is spreading and raging and now there is no controlling it.

If I trusted you. Here is what I would say. I miss talking to you. At one point there was a connection there. We supported each other.

Now I no longer feel that way. It's different. Things have changed. We still catch up but superficially. I have never expected you to drop everything for me.

However I thought we would have stayed closer than we are now considering how much we have in common. I don't feel I can talk to you anymore, which is a shame.

I did try. Back then I thought I could fix it. I made the effort and dialled your number. You never called back but a while later you would text. It wasn't even weekly. It was monthly if that.

Do you know how much that irritated me when you kept saying anytime is fine to call. Every single time I did. You never returned it.

It's like you went from being friendly to acting like a ghost. Did I do something? I don't think I'm the problem. I never hog the conversation and I have always supported you.

You are just one of those people that is there but isn't at the same time. The walls we put up, now match. You don't share and neither do I.

I just let you initiate contact now. Why do I always feels as though I ask too much, when the only thing I want is an occasional chat???

I'm done taking the blame. It's not me. It's you. Why do I keep investing in people? They are never worth my time. Either they latch on to me or they don't voice anything.

Why can't there be a middle ground? Is there nobody normal left? I walk back home. Turn my phone on, dial your number and then push the phone into the bath I'm running.

Now I'm disconnecting from you!

I pour oils and let loose a few bath bombs. I then add Radox until the water turns blue. It's a beautiful sight. Foam edges around the sides and perfume fills the space.

I sit on the edge of the bath and twirl my finger around the dissolving bombs. If I am meant to be alone then so be it. At least I will always find my own tranquility.

Advent competiitons

I have been comping on and off for over 15 years. I have won various big, small and medium prizes over time. It started because I was confined to a bed recuperating and couldn't do much but get better.

I was bored being stuck at home so I started googling ways to make money from being at home and this was one of them. I registered with two sites Loquax which didn't have good customer service and never replied to my queries.

Then there was https://www.theprizefinder.com. Prize Finder just seem friendlier and cosier. I have nothing to do with them professionally.

I have just always used them when I'm in the mood. They always get back to me with hints or answers and make me feel valued because they remember me.

To me personally, that is far more important than anything. I respect good service. Hence why I've never gone elsewhere though the site has been through ups and downs.

Entering the Christmassy giveaways always gets me in the festive spirit. I'm trying to think of the goodies I've won in the advents...

Shopping vouchers, giftsets, fragrances, a cheesecake hamper. Lots of hair and beauty stuff. A bluetooth speaker. Towel bale. Chocolate/cake hamper.

Goodness knows what else because I've been doing it forever. I just deleted my old Twitter account that I used for a lot of them.

I still want to keep my anonymity but I'm using the @SleeplessScrib1 for most things so I figured I would use it for comping too.

I suppose I can always direct message my claims to avoid listing my name. I wanted to get rid of the old facebook but the new one has a pseudo name and I don't feel right entering using a fake name.

The old facebook page remains for comping. My lips keep getting chapped in this weather but I am applying the lip balm continuously.

At least the scars on my face are starting to fade. I miss going to the beauty salon for my brows and pedicures. I still don't know if I am going to be away for the holidays..

Good luck to all the fellow compers out there.

Beauty and mind cleanse (fiction)

I dial your number and wait patiently for you to answer. Hey listen, if you're free.. I have a surprise for you. I know you need to decompress and I have the perfect setting.

Mmmhmm. No hints. Just get your butt over here pronto. It's all arranged. Ok. I will see you soon. No need to thank me, what are friends for?

I click play and my YouTube playlists cycles through my soft tunes. I start humming and sway to the music as I add the final touches.

A little time later, the doorbell rings and I greet you with a warm hug. It feels like forever since I've seen you. I nod agreeing, things are crazy at the moment.

I lead you in and ask if you need anything before we begin. Uh huh. I may just have that. I smile and bring out an assortment of goodies.

The heating is on at full blast and I hand you a chocolate milkshake with soft scoops of chunky mint ice cream, followed by crumpled bits of milk and dark chocolate Ferrero Rochers and the best bit? 

A chocolate wafer to use as a straw? Do I know you or what bestie? Huh? Weren't expecting that right? I laugh as your eyes light up and grab the drink eagerly.

Good right? What is tonight about? Umm, well I get the impression you have something on your mind and you want to be heard.

I don't pry but you know I'm here to listen, When and if you choose to confide? Uh huh. I thought so. I've been following your blog and your recent posts were....

Yea I know. Look I hear you. It's not easy thinking about the future. Plus Christmas and your writing commitments. Just prioritise whichever one you feel the most passionate about in that moment, alright?

Wow that was quick. You practically downed that milkshake. Bahaha. Of course there is more. I think we should get started though or this will turn into a slumber party. 

I know we are a bit too mature for that.. On the other hand.. Well we'll see, how the time passes? I hang up your coat and drape a smok over your front tying it at the back and then I pull your hair out and back. 

I then tie a soft silk bandana around your hair and secure it out the front, tucking it in. I think I'll start with your brows first. I ask you to lay out on the sofa and get a cushion for your head. 

I push the makeshift headband back as far as it will go. I then reach for the wet wipes. Next I dab some micellar cleanser onto it and stroke across your face, until all your makeup is removed. 

You're lucky you know. You're naturally beautiful. You don't need makeup to enhance your looks. However, similar to me, you just love experimenting with it. 

You're back to feeling out of sorts huh? You feel it is unnatural to enjoy your own company and push people away? It's a tricky thing, to be honest. 

Um I know you felt like an outcast everywhere you went. I know that you tried to make friends and be part of a group but it never worked out. 

When you wanted to socialise nobody seemed to want to join you and when they did. You never felt inclined to join them. Suddenly instead of feeling empty and alone and sad that you didn't belong.. 

You did your own thing. Developed your own interests. Got to know what you liked. You didn't have to please or change or compromise. You just got on and adapted. 

I know because we are alike. We had similar experiences and feelings. I do understand you. I get that you are two halves. One side is independent and creative and needs solitude to conjure magic, onto a page.. 

While the other side craves brief interactions, which give your mind a rest and rejuvenate you, when you are feeling empty and uninspired. 

That's why the random acquaintances don't make an impact. They are but mere distractions. What matters to you and makes you feel alive is writing, not people. 

All people are to you is disappointing. They don't ever see you. Your whole essence, which can be cranky, impatient, angry, scared, lost and vulnerable. 

Or sweet, funny, charming, flirty, intelligent and confident. They see you as good or bad. You are all of those things though. Noone has unearthed that yet. I sigh, nod and get the wax strips. 

Ummm lol disclaimer hon. I've never in my life used these, so if I end up making your face bald and hairless by ripping your eyebrows off... 

Promise to give me a head start before you kill me? Deal? Phew. Thanks sweetz. Er I'm just going to read the instructions again. Have a lil patience. 

I'll scar you for life soon, I promise. Just let me read it. Yeesh and I thought I was demanding.. Huh? I didn't say anything. Your highness. 

First I gotta heat them by rubbing them between my fingers. I'll explain and act accordingly. Then I cut the strips. Then the scary bit. 

I press firmly applying it to both your brows. I smooth it down and wait for a few seconds to pass. Cringing for you, while you're perfectly at ease. 

I hold your skin tight and rip those suckers off. Honestly I'm scared to look. I shove the mirror in your hands. Just tell me. Are your eyebrows still attached? 

For the love of hair. Please say yes!! It's not funny. Can you stop laughing. I feel like a butcher. You're fine? They are both still there? Pheww. I can breathe now. I was nervous. 

I wipe away any excess residue and start tweezing the remaining stragglers. Keep your face still and stop smiling. I did not look like death warmed up. 

I was merely the tiniest bit concerned. I did not freak out!! I take more wipes with aloe vera on them and sweep across your brows. 

Actually they look pretty impressive for my first time. I hand you back the mirror and you nod in gratitude. I put a stool in the bathroom and tell you to get as comfy a you can, while leaning forward. 

I remove the bandana and turn the shower on. I move my hands through the length of your hair and make sure the hot water coats it completely. 

I then flip open the dandelion shampoo and squeeze a generous amount into my palm. I wet my hands and let the shampoo get sudsy by blending it. 

Then I work up a foamy lather and start with your scalp and then coat the length of your hair, right until the ends. I reach deep into your roots and start massaging in lil circles. 

My hands start wiping all your hair from around your face. I make sure no shampoo drips into your eyes. I start smoothing all your hair back and scrunching random parts. 

I make sure the shampoo dissolves deeply as I continue rubbing it into your hair. I make loose fists and start touching your scalp in circular motions from each side. 

I apply gentle pressure and start from the front of your face, down to the sides. Then from back of your neck. I drive both hands up and into the middle of your scalp, softly.

I then rinse it away until your hair is squeaky clean. I wring your hair so it isn't soaking wet and spritz a few pumps of leave in conditioner over your hair.

I wrap the pre heated towel around your locks and seal it tightly and the flip it behind you. I lead you back to the sofa so you can sprawl out again.

I refill your drink and hand it to you. I dab some moisturiser onto your face and using my fingertips I blend it in, swirling around each area until it is absorbed.

Then I grab two sliced cucumber pieces and place them daintily over your eyes. You can't say it isn't a real spa experience now.

I then use the creamy L'Oreal fine flowers cleanser and dot it into your forehead, cheeks, nose and chin. I grab my pre moistened face brush and switch it on.

I press deeply moving it across your forehead. Then I drag it down the side of your face, under your eyes, down your nose and all over your cheek.

I then slide it across your chin and repeat the same on the other side. I grab my wet wipes to stroke all over your face and remove it completely.

Your face feels so soft already. I open up the thinnish Rivage mud mask and coat it on both of my fingers. I dab it on your face and then massage it all over your forehead, cheeks, chin and nose.

I'll leave it for about 10 mins. The pack says about half an hour but who has time for that? I peek under your cucumbers to make sure you're still alive as you haven't said anything in ages.

You seem to be fine, so I move to the other room and continue watching Hercai. Time passes and I nudge you awake. I remove the cucumbers and bin them.

I then get a new face sponge, wet it and start slowly removing your face mask. I sweep along your skin and it seems to disintegrate fairly easily.

I take a wet wipe and do a last freshen up over your face and honestly it is glowing. You look radiant. How do you feel? Like royalty huh?

I unwrap your hair towel and gently comb your hair straight with my fingers and then I tousle it to get some natural volume going.

It is practically dry already, so I just gather it all together and pop it into a messy bun. I give you another hug and we sit down to watch Hercai together..

One of the worst nights of my life

I barely last slept night as I was in excruciating pain. My left hand was strained and throbbing painfully. For some reason my skin was burning like a raging fire. It just would not stop. 

The pain was equal to being in hospital. Way back when. Every movement was such torture. I was praying for death. I don't know the causes but it was agony. I couldn't sleep. 

No position was comfortable. I wanted to drift off but it didn't happen for hours. I'm still a little sore and my hand feels like it didn't repair itself as it feels delicate. 

I'll either get my gel pack to use after a hot shower/bath or I'll use my shiatsu massager on heat to see if it helps. I wish I could do two things.

Switch off my phone for a few days and not use my hand. It's just not feasible though. I'm stuck. No rest for my cracking mind and no break physically. 

I cried out so much last night. Pointless. I couldn't bear it. There is no curing me. I hate my life of torment. I don't have the strength to deal with it. 

Somebody just make it end please!!!!!!! 

Slipping away (fiction)

You place your hand over mine but as soon as I sense it. I look down and pull away. 

Don't you see who I am by now? 

You still to this day, do not understand me.

What should I explain? 

That as I grew up and looked at the world with innocent bright eyes. I saw a world of murky shadows and a reason to constantly retreat?

I wanted to belong. I used to be so lovely, open and unguarded. I followed the wrong people, thinking it would lead me to somewhere illuminated and beautiful but it never did.

Look at my face. Look at my body. Do you see any evidence of bruising? No! Now look inside me and see if you can say the same thing?

You were smug enough to think you had me hooked but there are reinforced walls made of ice inside me.

You thought what? That we bonded? That I opened up to you? That you were different? 

I belong to nobody! I talked and you listened but you didn't hear me. You refused to acknowledge it. The fundamental truth.

I will always be free!

Why, you ask?

I close my eyes and smile. I feel at peace. I don't need you or anybody anymore. I used to think that I needed to be surrounded and that I should conform but not now.

I was delicate and fragile and the only thing that approached me was poison. Hurt and attacked and made to feel that I deserved it. 

Did you?

For what?? The crime of being me???!!!!!!

I get up from the bench, slide my headphones on and crank up the volume drowning your voice out. I follow the sun and it cures me.

I'm now unreachable.

Lil disappointed

I was really hoping to watch the latest Ramo episode as someone normally uploads it either really late Friday night when I've gone to sleep or early Saturday because by the time I wake up it is ready. 

However today there is nothing. I looked on the official Youtube channel and they show Episode 20 snippets but with no subtitles I wouldn't be able to understand it anyway.

They usually post the episode a few days later but first without the subtitles. Then maybe Wednesday it is added and I can watch it, so I guess if it is not added to my usual place. 

I can see it on Youtube next week, which seems ages away. :( I may check out some other dramas while I'm waiting.

I finally got to try out the new Asda Charcoal Gel face wash. It has a faintly mild pleasant smell. I couldn't tell you what it is because I can't detect it. 

Black appearance as you would expect and it does seem very mildly grainy which I'm not a fan of but as it is tiny it's fine. I just tried it on the spinning face brush and it's too thick to lather, unfortunately.

It washes off easily and is a little moisturising but not enough for my oily/dry combination skin. It is early days though but so far, nothing stands out and it's probably not something I would buy again. I may change my mind down the road when I have used it more.

I just finished watching this old show called Quantico with Priyanka Chopra. I did enjoy it. FBI recruits that try to avert disaster and decipher who the bad guy is. I like policey shows because I try to follow the clues and figure it out before they do.

It got cancelled after 3 seasons so I guess that it why it had such an unsatisfying ending. I was also hoping the Alex (Priyanka) character would have evolved more. 

She jumped from man to man and then back to Ryan (main love interest) and then on to random men lol. She latched on and then when they were smitten, then she high tailed it out of there.

By the middle of the second season. I wasn't bothered about Ryan and Alex staying together. I just wanted her to mature. It surprises me though that they broke them apart and Ryan ended up with her best friend. 

The chemistry was off and then right at the last episode when I thought this is it.  A nice cutesy ending. Instead of introducing her new beau to her soon-to-be adopted daughter. She just looks and dismisses him completely. Good grief. Frustrating!

I was sure that by now my mud mask would have arrived. This was the day predicted and I only have basic tracking, which states we will only update when it's been attempted grrr.

Trying to be a better blogger

I've been sitting here feeling guilty because I haven't put up a new post in a few days. My classic posts are nearly depleted and that took so much pressure of trying to publish something regularly.

The more I try to come up with something suitable to write is the less ideas that spring to mind. I have been a blank canvas for weeks. 

I feel calm and I'm beginning to think I can only blog when I'm angry or sad, when I'm processing those extreme emotions.

For dinner I made these chicken coleslaw paratha wraps. They were great but so messy. How do you not have the whole thing come apart in your hands? 

I didn't even want warm coleslaw but it was easier to put the whole thing together and then reheat it. 

Plus if you don't have some type of sauce, it's really dry as a sandwich. I'm thinking maybe sweet chilli or garlic mayo would have worked better. 

I am definitely due on soon. I can tell by my monster appetite. I am just craving all sorts and just seem to want to graze endlessly.

My eyes feel so much better after my lenses had a good night soaking in the saline and protein tablets that I used for a deep clean. I've never used Bausch and Lomb saline solution before. 

It's pretty effective at rinsing out the cleaner which is really strong and if not removed completely and will sting your eyes for ages.

If I saw another offer I would purchase it but I need to be saving money not spending it. I'm used to getting my supplies from Morefield's but now that I am not visiting them anymore. I look elsewhere. 

An acquaintance was recommending Specsavers but I loathe them. The branch closest to me in town are rude and dismissive. 

If I encounter bad customer service, I tend not to give them my repeat business. There is so much competition, why suffer?

I'm still waiting for my mud mask and new top. I also bought a 300x bumper pack of mini hair bobbles because I use them and then a few days later bin them. It was just about £2ish so they should last a while. 

I can't believe these new clips are actually staying secure in my hair, normally I wake up and look scruffy with the clips dangling by my sides like earrings :D

The Perfectil supplements are giving me an energy boost, increasing my nail growth rapidly but I'm not sure about the hair growth or skin clearing. 

Although I did just chop two inches off but it has only been just over a month so I just need to be patient which is not my strong point.

I can't breathe

It could be any number of factors. I know when I am hormonal I get irritated and prefer to be left in peace. It could also be from evolving. 

When I lived at home and saw friends in particular I felt like I had to constantly entertain and be the one to lift everyone's spirits.

I consistently lied to my cousin about not wanting to get together. The real reason I didn't want to see her is she and her sister zeroed in on all my insecurities. 

I never felt enough and shish they let me know it. I felt like I had to transform in front of them into this whole new person who was confident and worldly and constantly on the go.

I am a really simple woman. The opposite to them. They had to be liked and have everyone in their orbit be in awe of them. 

I just wanted to blend in and be allowed to do my own thing and feel how I felt. I didn't need to be liked and still don't but I deserved to be respected at the very least.

I am still learning how to ask for what I want and to be around them means I feel off-balance. I have irregular acquaintances that float in and out of my life and that's fine and a few who manage to linger longer.

The brief ones seem to latch on to me for dear life. At first the regular contact is amusing and fun but a few days later, their constant pull on me, starts to be stifling. 

I am back to steer heading the conversation and making all of the effort. It's like they lose the ability to maintain their individuality. I am their sole focus. 

Nothing happening in their life comes across, it is just follow up questions about mine. At this point, my oxygen runs low and I run screaming for the hills. I cannot be your lifeline. I am my own breathing apparatus.

I normally stop responding for a bit or lie but for this latest one I told the truth. I need some space away form you and will be in touch later on in the week.

Apart from stunned silence and taking a while to respond. He actually handled it pretty well and said he would wait to hear back. 

My next step is to limit the contact channels. I'm going to cut off emails and leave it with texts and calls. It is just too much to be badgered in all directions.

He may last a little bit longer but the expiration date is close at hand. I can sense the resentment that I don't fawn all over him, boost his ego or want to spend every waking moment in his presence.

I have been living on my own now since 2007 I think and I absolutely love it. I can entertain myself. I can do whatever on earth I want. I rarely feel bored or alone. 

I don't have to be pressured into being someone I'm not or forced into being chirpy. I can just breathe and feel according to my mood.

Why can't the clingy among you do the same? Why do you have to be so suffocating? Get a hobby. Learn a new skill. Find out what interests you, apart from me. 

What are you going to do when I sever my ties, with or without the explanation that you've turned dull and needy? 

Beauty topup

I got my Asda shopping earlier and was gutted to learn that my saline and a few other bits were out of stock grrr. I have no luck with the damn saline but have bought it from Amazon because of necessity.

A 3 pack of 500ml for £11.25. It's not ideal but larger than the size I usually purchase, plus it will last me a while.

I also got confused and thought that the Asda charcoal face wash was out of stock too so I bought another one from Ebay. The same L'oreal Flowers I bought previously. It's lush.

It turns out that it was the face mask, that was unavailable. All these amendments are confusing me.

I'll review the Asda wash and face mask when I've used it as my current one is almost empty. I hopped online to find a deal and wowser. It presented itself.

It was probably newly listed and I jumped at the chance. I'm not big on brands unless it is important like eyecare. I also don't want it to be so basic that it will irritate my skin.

Anyway the price was a mere £1 and postage was £2.90. I knew that I was prepared to spend up to £4 for a face mask but at a decent size and this was 200ml.

It's funny the postage is higher than the item. The make is Rivage which I have never heard of so I googled the worth and it is priced at £26!!!!

I don't know why the seller was selling it so cheaply but bargain of the century. Obviously I have to try it first but it was cheaper than all the rest and I hope it isn't a peel off version. They are so wrong ickity!

I would have tried out the Asda brightening gel mask for £2.25 and that is only 100ml. Ebay does have a lot of bargains if you shop at the right time.

I really love the Asda beef and vegetable pasties, they are like mini pies and are so tasty as a snack. At one point they had stopped them but either it is temporarily back or it is a seasonal thing.

Next I'll either get some nightshirts or a new top. I haven't decided yet..

Asda home shopping

I've decided the best thing to do is try out Asda and get my saline and beauty supplies like face mask and face wash. I really do love Iceland but the limited stock is a killer. 

I spoke to customer services today and made a suggestion, they stock eyecare. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I don't seem to have much luck shopping anywhere but Iceland but I am desperate for supplies and my lenses need to be regularly cleaned for them to be comfortable and clear enough to see properly. 

I'll just forgo buying storing solution as it is too expensive. I will stick to saline and use it for hosting my lenses and rinsing them from the cleaner.

Yet more tinkering with my Chromebook and I figured out how to permanently get Youtube in a separate space away from my Chrome tabs. I just use *alt* and open it in a new window so now my precious Chrome has no other tabs on it.

I thought like WIndows I would be able to bypass logging in with a password but I don't think you can. I'm worried about forgetting it but so far I seem to remember it.

I forgot how much variety Asda had. I used to quite like popping in there for speciality bits and pieces. If it works out and they actually deliver successfully on Monday. I will just end up alternating between Iceland and them.

If not I will keep looking for a saline bulk buy offer that doesn't have ridiculously high postage. I got to stock up on essential oils. They get used up so quickly or maybe time is just flying by.

Me and mum were talking about Christmas, even though it is only November and nobody knows what is going to happen yet. I know she wants me to come down, even if my brothers are there but I told her I wouldn't.

Even now she doesn't get my fear and anxiety regarding them and what they put me through. I think she assumes I'm being difficult, selfish or overreacting but constantly placating a bully capable of verbal/physical outrage takes its toll.

She may not forgive me for putting my needs above hers but I don't forgive her for letting me shrink away to nothingness.

Anyway, we shall see what happens, closer to the time.