#BlogLife280 - Wait on me

I want to be someone else, not because I'm ashamed of who I am but because I'm tired of propping myself up each day.

I'm tired of my Insomnia

I'm tired of PTSD on top of PTSD. I didn't realise how traumatised I still am about my childhood.

I buried so much. Maybe if I wasn't still dealing with my ongoing family's mind games I would have been better by now but it's still the same actions.

I'm going to have to do some therapy/fiction or both to draw some of it out so it's less intense.

I'm glad today was completely uneventful. There were triggers about but I managed to avoid them and keep myself in check playing feelgood tunes.

I did feel a bit sicky but that seemed to subside. I'm not sure why I'm having 1 day periods but my cycle has always remained weird.

It's the second time this month it's happened but normally it's spaced apart between early in the month and the last days.

This was just 2 weeks apart. I was going to pop into my favourite store but I didn't want to be tempted.

However I got home and realised that I actually did want some snacks so I ordered my usual sandwiches and I thought I would try out Yum Yums.

I think I sampled them before and wasn't keen but heavens above, these are soft, glazed and have sugar sprinkles, plus icing.

It's totally obscene food wise and I am going to cut down on unhealthy foods but these are sublime.

Pret sold out of my chickeny goodies so I opted for Gregg's again and to be honest I get the 20% off as it's Tuesday so it's probably better.

I haven't had a fizzy drink for ages so I bought the Cloudy Lemonade which is tasty but slightly tart as are all there drinks it seems.

It does balance the dessert though so I'm okay with it.

BookLife has gone into the 34th chapter and I'm not sure exactly where I want it to go, it doesn't have long left but I have to wrap it up in a fun way.

It's so unrealistic and some things I google and still get baffled and others I just completely make up.

I'm going to eat and watch episode 3 of the Flight Attendant as I'm behind and I just finished binging The Closer which was so so funny.

There's something fascinating about cop shows, maybe that's why I wrote about crime themes in a few stories but I never touched on the police influences until now.

I am enjoying the show which is a different spin but the characters, no the writers annoy me a lot because every word is a curse word.

It's just lazy uncreative dialogue. to me that marrs the whole experience. You can have a frustrated character talking without swearing.

You can use body language, you can come up with alternate words but yeeesh it's so offensive to the ears.

I use bad language a bit and it's not something I'm proud of but that is not an every day thing and it's only when I'm extremely vexed.

#BlogLife279 - Blogger or storyteller?

My eyes are closed but my brain is still talking, still trying to unravel. Mostly I was told to shhh and now when I don't communicate I feel like I should be talking.

I just don't have anything to say. Should I force myself, is that any better for you or me?

I feel discombobulated. Isn't that a great word? Confused or disconnected it means.

When I first got my thesaurus I swear I read through the whole thing and some words just stuck. I wasn't even sure what they mean't but those pretty unusual words were beautiful to me.

I couldn't express myself but if I ever could these big shiny new words were there to help me along.

A small part of me wants to carry on blogging and writing fiction. A whole lot of me is traumatised from what happened to me in the past and the present.

I thought that I had dealt with a lot of stuff and I tried my best to make peace with it. It wasn't ideal but I rationalised that my problems were really just not that big a deal.

But despite the outside world interpreting it as normal and making me feel as though I was overreacting. It wasn't typical behaviours.

If it was, I wouldn't be having flashbacks and recalling exactly how petrified I felt in that instance.

I've told myself to move on and forget and I tricked myself because parts of me did and so I figured.. Hey I'm doing great, I can function again, I'm not overwhelmed anymore.

I'm not depressed but it's all still there lurking until a trigger pulls it out and it says Coooooooeeee, remember me?? I'm still here, waiting for you to deal with me properly.

Now I'm trying to recognise how awful things were and that it wasn't my fault and I was trapped.

I couldn't help myself because I didn't know how. I tried to talk but again, I just didn't know how to communicate at all.

The words seemed to die before I could get them out. It's a lot to process.

That I should have been happy, felt safe, been cared for but there was always a sense of foreboding.

I'm struggling to feel better because even though there is a lot to say......... I still can't say it!

My brain is in a holding pattern, thoughts are broken, even if they appear.

As usual music is filling the space..

Medellin by Madonna/Maluma, 

Ella Y Yo by Don Omar/Aventura. 

I like these catchy soothing songs. Sometimes it's better that I don't understand the language so my brain can roam free and work out what it needs to without interruptions.

I'm still having random issues with the charging case for the Q33 earbuds so I updated my review on Amazon to reflect this and the seller reached out to enquire how they could help.

I just explained that it has difficulty displaying it's depleted and in need or restoring back to health and they said..

Let me send you a new one and I said no need too really but they persisted and I received it yesterday about 4pmish.

I haven't open the packet. I'll get to it this weekend probably.

My sleeping pattern is still up and down but there are less dreams. I'm thankful for that.

I don't know if this will come out today or Monday. I'm sorry about that but I'm taking one step forward and two steps back at present.

I'm on Chapter 30 of the cop/mover saga and I've changed the title yet again. There seems to be much more to tell so it's not ending anytime soon and I wanted to wrap it up but I can't.

#BlogLife278 - Are you a psycho or a sociopath?

My head is in pieces. I can't even come up with a title for this post. I've been mostly resting and listening to music but something has been trying to piece together.

It just didn't want to finalise yet. It's a thing I have to say but maybe I've already shared it, how is this time different?

I don't want to make excuses. I figure I was adored as a baby by everyone but him, he was jealous.

As the second child, I guess I got the attention. I was told he despised it, even took a scissors to my hair. I don't know the extent but that's not normal is it?

Then because I was animated and looking for someone to share my joy and antics I admired him and wanted him to like me and spend time with me.

But as I grew older and became aware of my surroundings and what was really going on. I discovered his antipathy towards me.

I didn't understand. I told myself to be better. Not to make mistakes, say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing but no matter what, I just made him angrier.

The harder I tried, the more he told me to shush, the more he chased me and made fun and ridiculed me.

I don't remember my parents telling him to stop. I recall wondering.. 

Why was I was such a terrible person?

I started to get really afraid. The aggressive tones, the hatred directed at me. The dismissals. 

The only time, that he appeared to be civil, when was the other nightmare child was born or when others were around. 

Neither of them misbehaved outdoors ever. They were extremely careful at how they were perceived.

It's like the eldest figured the only way to be included in our carefree playing was to act nice to me.

It worked for a bit and then he would snap and turn the other against me.

I would run and run and run for my well being. Lock myself away for my welfare. I never goaded him.

By that time I figured one day. he will catch me and kill me. It will be done and over.

Then I observed him when we socialised outside of the home. He was respectful, well mannered and happy.

While I stood in the corner, petrified to move or speak. He charmed everyone and nobody suspected what a maniac he was.

I don't know at what point he started with drugs but I know anything could set him off, even before he started using.

I know when my parents divorced. I was relieved, he opted to stay behind and I thought maybe I'll survive after all.

But then he came to spend time with us and then I didn't want to leave my room anymore.

I didn't want to see him. I didn't want to loathe myself because I hadn't figured out yet, that the problem wasn't me.

All this time, all these tears later.. I thought.. I assumed that there was something wrong with me.

I think I was a teenager when I worked it out. That I was normal. That it was him but by that time, it was too late.

I was depressed and fearful.

"Don't embarrass me!"

I remember those words ringing in my ears. He said it but others thought it. 

I wondered how was I supposed to act? What was the acceptable topic to discuss?

Then the other one started on drugs and this time. I just wanted it to end.

I didn't know what was expected of me but I just couldn't seem to change, to appease, to be tolerable.

People enquired about them, as though they were decent and human. They thought I was the peculiar one.

How dare I not speak to them. How dare I stand up for myself. How dare I become frustrated.

Everyone made them out to be saints and I was the sinner. I was the bad seed. I didn't belong and they told me so.

I'm happy to say that I no longer hate myself but I'm still hiding.

I step back when someone is shouting. I retreat. I switch off. I'm impossible to locate.

When someone invades my space and antagonises me. I leave. I escape to find safety.

I haven't felt free for a while now. I haven't talked much. There have been no randoms.

I've been throwing myself into writing but today I am looking over my shoulder.

Unsavoury dreams are plaguing me. I am being hunted. I am in danger.

Goodbye peace, you were the only thing keeping me sane.

#BlogLife277 - Men never over apologise, why the hell should we??

Us girls grow up being taught to respect others and be patient, listen and forgive and understand. It's drilled into us to make allowances and to showcase good manners and be polite.

I'm not sure if men are taught the same thing because you don't find men, apologising over and over and feeling guilty for a genuine mistake.

They don't seem to beat themselves up and analyze where it all went wrong and how it should have proceeded differently, they instantly move on, at least in my case, but we do.

Even if we are being shouted at and it wasn't our fault, that conscience of ours, bothers us and we instinctively say "I'm sorry."

Then we get mad at ourselves in the same breath and show resentment. Why the hell did I just accept responsibility, make him feel better and show contrition???

I didn't do anything wrong or if I did, it was not out of spite, it was an accident and yet I'm being punished for this simple thing and I feel bad.

There are so many times where he makes an error and doesn't feel disturbed by it but shrugs it off. If I demand some sort of explanation or amends, it is begrudgingly given without any true feelings behind it.

It is maddening, the double standards. Men get away with murder, cause destruction and we women are left to tidy up and pick up the pieces.

Well time to change it around. If you must, own up and admit fault and then atone once but don't dare do it more than that.

You were/are brave. To hold your hand up and say, I did that and I admit I was careless but I will try my best to come up with a workaround.

Then move on, feel better, heal yourself and know that you're still a good person who isn't perfect but at least has the courage to do what's right and face the consequences, so don't let anyone tear you down for being fearless!

               ><><><>><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><

On a lighter note I saw the Galaxy Chunk Orange biscuits for a £1 a while ago but only recently tried them. I've always adored zest so I thought these would be ideal.

It actually is thick and full of flavour. I don't think it's overpowering, to me it has the right balance, not too sweet or bitter.

Very crunchy and a good size. It would rival hobnobs or digestives as a dunking treat. 

There is chocolate bits that cover the biscuit also, making it quite addictive. There was definitely more than 5 included, maybe 7 or 8 which is good value.

#AgonyLife15 - Dear SS My invisible disability isn't seen, advise please?

Firstly I'm sorry that you are dealing with whatever current health condition(s) that you are facing. 

I just hope you have someone on your side that believes in you, to prop you up, listen and support you.

You can go the traditional route and keep pestering doctors until they run every test possible and narrow it down that way..

But you will still have to call up all the inner reserves you have and then some and fight to be recognised as disabled.

It's brutal and exhausting and it just destroys you mentally. I used to keep being referred here and there and these people kept scoffing and looking down on me.

This was due to not passing their pigeon-holed, narrow-minded tests and they weren't smart enough to diagnose me when I knew what it was all along.

Unfortunately you have to be patient with these exasperating fools and just keep explaining your symptoms as comprehensively as possible and hope that somebody, somewhere sees the light.

I've been doing it for about 20 years and still have not been officially told what my condition is and I still get a condescending tone and rolled eyes which caused some of my depression and feelings of worthlessness.

If I'm then forced to do things that I can't manage, the physical and mental result is panic attacks, fear and emotional destruction.

The pain is intolerable and I have to recover in bed for days, especially if it's something extremely taxing like climbing stairs, excessive walking, bending or lifting, my body locks the pain in place so next time I go out and try to move anywhere..

It freezes and then the pain is so excruciating that I just want someone to put me out of my misery because it's not only embarrassing to be crying your eyes out in the high street but there is no break from this suffering.

It's getting worse. I can stop and frequently do to lean on a wall to have a reprieve but the discomfort doesn't lessen it.

It grows so when I go back to them and say because you made me climb stairs, unduly walk, bend, or lift, I can barely function and wish I was dead...

They shrug and say......

"Oh err, well I assumed you were lying. I mean come on, you're not in a wheelchair or crutches. You seem perfectly healthy, just lazy and over-entitled."

I hope that noone ever says the above to you but I'm used to it. It's been 20 years of the same garbage.

If you can, jot down notes and maybe time frames, add as many details as you can, enquire to friends and family for further input and then refer to your notes because it helps the idiotic doctors, consider alternative disorders.

To conclude repeat this.......

I am sick and suffering and miserable and I'm so tired of hearing that I'm healthy and exaggerating and faking.

I recognise myself as being disabled and I deserve respect. 

I deserve to be given the benefit of the doubt because you are essentially killing me by denying me that right.

I don't want to go on anymore. Every time you make me relive my situation, I cry uncontrollably and my strength falls away.

I cannot do this by myself anymore, I need you to meet me halfway.

Take care of yourself, from one sick person to another, I see you, I feel you and I care about you.

(((((((hugs)))))))))))

#BlogLife276 - 3am I let go....

I don't know why 3am is the magic time but when I look at my phone, that just seems to be the time I can finally lose control and fall asleep.

In the evenings particularly, I keep myself tightly in place. No sleep yet, no eating or drinking, no deviating unless I deem it's absolutely necessary. 

Today I woke up twice, the first time I knew it was early so I didn't check the hour. The second time I hoped it was much later.

It wasn't, it was just before 7am. 6.34am to be precise. Another couple of hours sleep only. Except by lunchtime I'll be half asleep and then completely passed out soon after..

I had a story breakthrough yesterday, first I came up with a proper catchy title and then the story started unravelling in my head and I knew where to go but I was so tired, I couldn't write anymore.

I'm hoping it stays fresh as I didn't have the energy to make any notes. I had a banging headache last night which didn't help as I was planning to write in bed but my eyes said nope..... I'm not allowing it.

I think I went to bed about midnightish and mostly was just shifting positions and listening to music. I cannot stop yawning so I have new party music blasting in my ears.

I'm eager to introduce the cop character. I just figured out what his name will be and how he will involve himself in the saga.

I was grinning yesterday because my theme is creating ball-busting femme fatale characters and they are the strongest version of me.

It's cathartic because I'm not sure I can be that brave and that outspoken without a safety net.

I'm planning to make this female personna, the most exasperating of all. Should make for an amusing yarn, hopefully.

I'm not sure if I'll ever make a Part 2 for any of the BookLife series. I still can't quite forget about the Bastian/Yuliana cast but for now they'll stay buried.

Who knows what I will figure out in the future..

I finally tried the Harry Ramsden cod fillets. Actually I saw they had a new product in the range. Giant fish fingers, which I was obsessed with as a child.

I first saw them in an old supermarket called Kwik Save. It was so different from the normal and they really were a large size, perfect for sandwiches or whatever your favourite accompaniment is.

I think Iceland also did them a long time ago. I don't recall the brand but I've never tasted anything like it since then.

Although the Harry Ramsden version is nice, it's just not the same. I doubt anything will match it.

Have a restful weekend and alleviate stress where you can, otherwise it will impact you negatively and you won't even realise.

#BlogLife275 - My process of writing fiction

I'm not sure if anyone would find this interesting from an amatuer perspective but for a budding writer or anyone curious, these steps are what I follow..

Not all the time and they may not be essential to you but I personally find them useful and it might be the same for you.

1) A thesaurus is my best friend. I use it constantly. It's amazing the amount of favourite words that get used over and over and it's a bit repetitive so google the word, followed by thesaurus and you'll have alternatives to pick from.

2) A website with boy/girl names. You won't believe how the mind just goes blank when trying to pick a name. Have I used it before?

When I was growing up and getting engrossed in all these books, I mostly saw English names. There was nothing like my family names contained so I decided if I ever wrote anything I would always use non-English names.

As a tribute to my heritage. I'm using mostly names from that country in my stories. That's why you'll see a lot of unusual names. Although a few have just popped into my head.

3) A notepad or email because you'll constantly jot notes down, play around with titles or just scribble future plot lines and you do not want to forget these nuggets.

4) A basic idea. It doesn't have to be fleshed out yet, you just need a starting point to build on.

5) Knowledge, even if it's fiction you need a basis of where to begin and there will be lots of details you'll need to add in order for it to make sense.

If you are constantly googling for insights, you'll never write anything or finish it. There could be snippets, where you can Google but not for the whole thing.

6) It's much easier to write when you're passionate about the subject, characters, plotlines.... Whatever it is, it will make it go much smoother if you are heavily invested.

7) I can't speak for anyone else but I find it easiest when the characters come to life in my head as though they are having real conversations.

I might not be copying it word for word but at least I have an idea of what sounds more authentic, than just guessing.

8) Push through the self-doubt that will come up and try to derail your confidence. It's natural to feel that way.

Your story might need work or it might be perfect but you'll never know unless you write and finish it.

9) Don't do what I do. Focus on one story at a time. I switch between Lethal Curves Ahead and two stories I'm working on for the blog.

It makes my head explode but I manage it but when I come up with the plot and finish it, while it's fresh in my head, it's a better flow.

10) Lastly it's tempting to skip ahead to compose the scenes that you're really excited about. However I would strongly advise against this, as I tend to change direction every single time I write.

Which means a scene I think has significant relevance doesn't make it to the final draft and that may or may not happen to you also.

Just stay on the current chapter and give that all your attention. You can still jot down notes, but keep it brief.

I hope this helps you :)

#BlogLife274 - My body wants to dance

I was trying my best to get the details right in the story I just made up. Mr DJ don't play me and I wanted to compose this really sultry dance scene but I wasn't sure how to do it.

I got up and I was thinking about my clubbing days and also the dance workout dvd I used to burn calories with, which had some nifty moves in it.

I decided to make up this blend of dances and hope that it was different because I'm always trying to be a lil unique in a world of professional writers.

I'm just a storyteller. I'm never going to be in their league and that's okay. 

I started slowly with the hip sways and that was fine and then the hip shaking shimmy was next and then the whole body rocking started to get really painful.

It's like I was back in time, where I was thinking I was all healthy and pain-free and just dancing away all night long in clubs and bars.

I'm not sure why my hips and waist were focused on but as men passed me by, they were grabbed or squeezed briefly and then when I was on the dancefloor..

Men were transfixed by my rotating hips. It was fun but now the thing I love, dancing and music is the thing I can't do for long.

Sure a couple of minutes if I'm lucky but then I get dizzy and stumble or the discomfort climbs higher.

Music I guess is comforting because it's not judgemental. It's not criticising or talking down to me.

It's happy or sad and calling me to sing along and keeping me company. It doesn't say you have to be this or that or listen to me only, it says listen, don't listen, actually cheat on me with other artists, I encourage it.

My sleep has gone downhill but that's nothing new. I just stay up and listen to music half the night.

A strange thing is happening with the earbud, the right one always appears fully charged in the morning as though it was off but I connect both of them and they are on.

Unless I accidentally keep turning it off. Strange but today was the first time in ages it charged, it said 4 bars but it was still charging maybe the display is faulty??

#BlogLife273 - Wake up or you're dead!

It's been a bad, bad day and it's only just gone 1pmish. You might think the title is extreme but that's pretty much the extent of my horror dreams, being chased, someone trying to kill me, or watching others being slaughtered.

The nausea was kicking my ass today but I persevered and did my hair and makeup. Actually I did something different, pulled the hair down and swept it to one side and it looked much better.

It's probably still flat and the greys are still winking at me but it also looks stylish and peppy. I clipped it back and it stayed in place.

There was lots of lil waves and curls and one tendril came loose but it appeared as though it was on purpose. 

Today could be a record I had about 4 or 5 panic attacks. There was a lot of triggers and I already felt dizzy and sickly and then I came home, I forgot to put the light on so the hallway was dark and I got turned around.

I literally didn't/couldn't see where the hell I was, where the doors were. It was petrifying. I slammed into a door because it's like I couldn't see, everything was dark and the light switch was hidden from me.

How messed up is that? I was so relieved to be home where it's safe and then I just lost my bearings. At least I had music to pick me up..

I would be a basket case if not for that. I fancied Pret but they are not taking deliveries so I settled for Greggs, which is pretty good actually.

I still feel like I can't catch my breath though. As I've said before, my nightmares mesh together from deep rooted stress.

That's why I try to be organised and do things one at a time, but sometimes the pain is too much and I quit for a bit so it becomes demanding.

I'm getting a couple of hours sleep at the moment. Mostly I lay awake, look around the room and listen to music or asmr. 

I try to clear my head but subjects float in and out. It's hard to close my eyes, knowing that I could be in danger and there is not a damn thing I can do about it.

I just have to be in the moment and stay absolutely terrified. On a lighter note. I received the protein tablets I ordered for me and mama.

Also I discovered a hidden gem. Elizabeth Taylor makes sublime perfumes and I barely realised that they also do giftsets.

The lotions and shower gels are phenomenal nothing lacks the quality and now there are body mists that are a hell of a lot bigger than the perfumes and half price.

I just got mine and it's my favourite to date. Sparkling White. Oh my final highlight is a kaftan came back in stock.

It's not the exact same version but hopefully it's thick and warm, the last one lasted 5 years and all the others I've bought barely last a year so I don't mind investing in this.

It's a silky looking dark blue. The only thing I detest is that it has a zip. I'm not keen on those or buttons on a nightgown/kaftan type product and it digs into the skin but we'll see..

Yodel is bringing it, maybe this weekend or earlier...

#BookLife5 - Mr DJ don't play me! (Fiction)

Chapter 1

I wasn't sure about this interview. A night club behind-the-scenes assistant. These places had a habit of being unsavoury but it was a short contract and I needed the cash for some high bills I have recently acquired.

All I would be doing is brainstorming theme ideas and updating the database, checking the VIP/non VIP bookings, managing staff and whatever else needed doing.

I took a deep breath and strolled in. I had never seen a club in the daytime before, it looked so sterile and a lil peculiar. I was trying to mute the volume on my headphones and increased it instead.

Eventually I managed to lower the volume. I sat down as there wasn't anyone around and waited. "Er excuse me darling, we aren't open until 8pm, come back then. I'll even save you a dance."

I stood up awkwardly banging the chair on the floor. "I'm here for the interview, this is Silhouette? Am I in the right place? I'm supposed to be meeting Bastian..

"Oh crap that's today, sorry er, things have been a bit hectic. I'm Bastian, just give me a few minutes, you're early right? I'll come back with lunch and drinks."

I opened my mouth to reply but he was already gone and I should have called yesterday to remind them and confirm, grr. I hated wasting my time.

I pulled out my phone and hit play, this place was eerily quiet and with noone around it made me shudder.

Chapter 2

"Nice tune, are you a DJ?" I jumped ten foot in the air as a new man approached me from behind. I hastily hit pause.

"Sorry for startling you I'm Vittorio." "Oh I think we spoke on the phone, I'm Yuliana. He smiled and I blushed for some reason.

"You've come for the Assistant role?! I'm glad you found the place easily. There's not much work to do, a few hours per night and afterwards your drinks are complimentary."

"Um thank you but I don't drink alcohol nor do I mix business with pleasure, also if this club has anything to do with drugs or harassment, I'll withdraw my application now."

Vittorio seemed taken aback by my directness but I wasn't about to tread lightly when it came to work placements.

Bastian appeared with a tray of goodies and I found myself dizzy with hunger, I had skipped breakfast and spent the morning trying out a dozen outfits..

"Bro, are you joining us?" My eyes widened in surprise, they were related, wow. "You're brothers?"

They grinned in unison and I saw it in the eyes, they both had a warmth to them. Bastian had a shaved head and dark blue eyes, whereas Vittorio was older and had short brown hair and the beginnings of grey hairs.

They were giants at 6ft, where I was merely 5ft7 in stature. We all sat down and I took a plate and loaded it with cheesy beef jalapeno nachos with chunks of avocado and olives sprinkled around.

I licked my lip and hastily wiped my mouth to avoid looking sloppy but this was sublime. "Isn't it unusual to serve food at a club?"

Again they smiled feeling very proud of themselves. "We know how intoxicated people can get on an empty stomach, so we got a licence to serve snack foods between 9-10pm when it's early and clubbers tend to be sober."

"Even though this is a highly first class reputable establishment. We find It helps cut down on the disturbances and keeps everyone chilled out."

"What ideas could you bring to promote our family run business?" 

Chapter 3

For a second I had forgotten I was at an interview. I hastily straightened up and pondered for a moment.

"Well I say we bring the snacks to our advantage even further. How about country theme nights? Localised cocktails/snacks like nuts, from that specific region aka Brazil?

Music particularly from that area or guest DJs from that region? Simple branded merchandise, like caps or t-shirts with the clubs logo embezzled on them?

I wasn't sure how feasible and costly any of these notions were but it was all that sprang to mind.

They shot one another a look with eyebrows raised and then Vittorio roared with laughter. "In one sentence she has cost you, your DJ job."

I bit my lip and covered my eyes. Crap, crap, crap, of course one of them would be a DJ in this family run business.

I shrugged. "Of course an alternate route would be a DJ mentoring promotion via social media. There must be a lot of youngsters curious about how to break-through in this cutthroat business?"

I leaned back satisfied with my answers and took another big bite of the nachos. I swallowed and admitted sheepishly that I had skipped breakfast.

They both smiled. Vittorio spoke up first. "You don't have the night club experience we were hoping for, but your record is clean and you appear to be a good fit."

"If my brother agrees you can start tonight and we'll see how you cope for a few nights."

Bastian looked at me. "I like her and she heartily ate my nachos. I have a soft spot for a woman with a good appetite. Plus when she's not trying to relieve me of a job, she has some interesting insights."

I tried hard not to blush but the colour creeped into my cheeks. "Thank you, I wasn't expecting an offer so soon. I thought you would have been swamped with applications."

Vittorio leaned forward. "Oh make no mistake, we were but we have very high standards and so far you are our first choice but there are runners up, waiting to take over, if you failed to meet our expectations."

Vittorio left and asked Bastian to conclude the last steps. I could hardly catch my breath. "One moment." Bastian disappeared and I was left bewildered.

Chapter 4

Bastian had cleared the dishes and reappeared in a flash with a tupperware container and the remainder of my nachos. I grinned. 

"Thank you for these. I was too nervous to eat before." Bastian nodded "I don't want these to go to waste. You need to fill in this paperwork and bring it back when you start tonight from 11pm-2am."

"Can you do that for me?" I nodded still trying to process what had just happened. Bastian walked me out. "Are you a fan of drum and bass music?"

I cringed. "Umm to be honest with you, not particularly. I'm more of an pop/r&b/world music type of gal. I know I'm supposed to be sucking up to you but I prefer to be upfront."

"I've never met anyone that just speaks their mind as much as you do. What about us DJ's?"

I shook my head and sighed. I was probably talking myself out of a job but here goes. "I'm not a fan, you talk over songs, shorten them, chop them apart and don't even play crowd favourites."

"What is there to like?" Bastian was completely silent. Then his raucous laughter filled the air. "You wound me. There is an art form, tonight I'll give you a free lesson."

I held my hand up to protest but he had already wandered away. What the hell was I going to wear tonight?

Chapter 5

I arrived back home in a blur and stared at my bed strewn with dresses and skirts. I ripped open the envelope and scribbled all the information down.

I picked at the meatball pasta I had prepared earlier with shavings of celery, green pepper chunks, green and black olives and of course Bastian's nachos.

My stomach was in knots, what if I couldn't live up to their expectations? I took a deep breath, I would apply myself diligently as usual and come what may...

It was 9pm and I decided on a long purple fitted skirt. It had fake tiny buttons down the back and from a distance looked like ruffles.

I coupled it with a pink fake basque top. The sleeves were long see-through and with chunks missing to make it more breathable.

It had the appearance of a corset but the hooks were just part of the design. The top and bottom was transparent but the bra area was completely covered with heavy lace in the front and back so my bra and straps wouldn't be visible.

It sat just above my hips in a jagged up and down v pattern. I tied my chunky office shoes and then clipped my hair back.

My makeup was a blend of reds, purples and pinks. Then I dusted a light layer of black and I was all set to go.

There was no mention of a uniform so I guess I would find out when I got there, if I had to change.

I spotted something shiny on the floor and picked up a black velvet choker with the word staff spelled out in diamante.

I had never seen anything like it before but I managed to tie it around my neck securely and took one last look at myself.

Hmm smart, professional but not trashy. I grabbed my black trenchcoat and buttoned it up and then caught the bus to my exciting new placement.

Chapter 6

It only took 40 minutes and a large crowd was already queueing up. It looked so different with the flashing logo brightly displayed.

I walked straight up to the security and told them my name. "We are expecting you, just go find Vittorio in his office, straight ahead and then take a right.

I nodded and stepped in and my ears were assaulted with the so-called music. I hoped it would be a mix of genres but I had earbuds just in case, talking of which I hastily removed them.

There were 2 rooms, one contained tables and chairs and the other was the dancehall. I sneaked a peek and was astounded, the DJ booth was high up and lit up completely.

Bastian was rocking the crowd, they loved him, women were waving and blowing kisses and I had to laugh, he must be in his element with all the attention.

I turned and set off to find Vittorio. I didn't notice that Bastian had clocked my entrance and become fixated on me.

I knocked on the office door but I didn't hear anything so I wandered inside. "Vittorio? I'm early but ready to work."

"You're here already?" My heart stopped and I slowly turned around to see Bastian. "Um I was told to find Vittorio but he isn't here and I'm not sure what to do."

"Turn around." It didn't seem like a question. "Huh?" I gave him a puzzled look. "I'll help you with your jacket, you won't need it, it gets pretty warm here."

I nodded and stiffened slowly unbuttoning my jacket and as I pulled it apart I felt his hands gently, carefully, slide it down my back and down my shoulders and then arms.

He came and stood in front of me and folded my jacket in the crook of his arm. "Hmm. Follow me."

Chapter 7

I looked down at my appearance and hoped I was dressed appropriately for a club.

I was led down the corridor and then we took a right and stopped. "This is your office, I'm not sure where Vittorio is but I'll show you the ropes for now."

"Don't you have to work? The crowd loves you." Bastian smiled, they'll keep. Here's a spare key, you can leave your bag and jacket here."

"Just lock it everytime you leave because even though this area is off-limits people wander and get lost."

Bastian began typing and loaded up a guest account page. "Pick a password." "Oh umm IceQueen."

Bastian raised an eyebrow but typed it in. "Right here is the staff roster and the bookings."

"Over here, is the database of  VIP customers and the daily, weekly and monthly profits."

"Once you enter the dailies, the rest update automatically." Bastian shut down the computer and I looked at him inquisitively.

"I thought I was going to enter the receipts now?" I stood up confused. "Looks like I am going to have to take you with me, until Vittorio gets back."

"Bastian I don't want to disturb you, just let me do these receipts." I felt so awkward. "I didn't come here to sit idly by and do nothing."

"Come with me, I'll find something for you to do." He extended his hand and I took it, blindly following him like a lost puppy.

As we passed the bar. Bastian paused. "Meet Haziel our famous mixologist. I smiled "Hi pleased to meet you I'm Yuliana."

"Ahh yes I heard we were having a new girl to replace Selene while she's busy. Wait, you don't look like Bastian's type?!"

Bastian coughed and muttered under his breath.. "Shut it, if you want to keep your cushy job Haz."

"Normally he picks these dollybirds, you know the type, tall, leggy, skinny and brain-dead."

Bastian looked furious and I bent over laughing. "Hmm maybe the agency ran out of Bastian's type?" I snuck a grin at Haz and we hi-fived covertly.

Chapter 8

Bastian tugged me forward and we climbed the stairs to his private booth. I was surprised at how spacious it was and then I spotted the leather sofa.

I pulled my hand away and burst into a fresh set of giggles. "Wow, you have the perfect set-up. Get the girls up here, give them a few DJ masterclasses and then sit them down and make your moves."

"So you think you know me huh Yuliana? You've barely scratched the surface of what I'm about."

I would have to stop grinning because Bastian pride seem dented and he looked like he was used to women buttering him up.

I slyly rolled my eyes. "I could do with a drink J20 Pear and Guava, if you wouldn't mind and get something for yourself."

I smiled at this demeaning task. He was such a spoilt playboy brat. "Is there anything else you require, your majesty? Any nibbles?"

Bastian strolled closer. "Not just yet." I gulped and then hastily went down the stairs back to the bar we had just passed by.

"Hey Haz, his highness requires a drink immediately." Haz chuckled. "Hmm so you're not enamoured by him, like the rest yet?"

I scoffed. "Are you kidding? Vittorio runs the real business, Bastian just plays host for a couple of hours and then spends the rest of the time entertaining his dollybirds, right?"

Haz slapped the bar chuckling. "If I were to answer that I really would be out of a job." I sat on the bar stool. "Look he is my boss, well one of them and he can do whatever he likes."

"I am just here to work." Haz patted my hand. "I've heard this speech many times and it all ends the same way. Bastian always gets the girl."

I shook my head in disgust. "Not this time, he won't have me. I'll just avoid him, easy peasy."

Chapter 9

Suddenly my stool swung around. "Is that right? I came down to see what was taking so long. Seems like you and Haz are becoming quite close!"

My eyes widened in shock and I bit my lip, not knowing where to look. His eyes seem to bore into me. Haz came from behind the bar and handed the drink over to Bastian directly but his eyes never left my face.

"Dance with me." Again it didn't seem like an enquiry, more like a command. I shook my head. "No. I will not be your plaything!"

Bastian creeped forward. "Dance with me now." I stammered. "I c-can't." I slipped off the stool and walked towards Haz and took his hand.

"I promised Haz, my first dance." Bastian clenched his jaw and Haz winked at Bastian. "Sorry bro." My palms were drenched with nerves and I dare not look back.

Haz beamed at me. "I gotta hand it to you girl, you have guts. No woman turns him down, especially not for me. Although I've never seen him dance here before."

I leaned closer to shout. "I don't feel brave, I'm shaking." Haz twirled me around and we chuckled together. This really wasn't my type of music but I no longer cared.

I stopped short as Bastian stood between us and took my hand from Haz's grasp. "If you don't dance with me, I'm going to have fire my favourite bartender for skiving."

My mouth fell open. "Are you crazy? You can't do that! Haz he wouldn't really do it would he? Haz shrugged. I pointed to myself.

"Punish me. I was the one that dragged him to the dancefloor." I swallowed hard and my heart was pounding in my chest. Haz left discreetly and I just stared at Bastian.

Bastian stepped back and bowed. "Would you please do me the honour of a dance Yuliana?" I gulped frozen like a statue. I couldn't work out why he was acting this way, was he legitimate or was it a game?

Chapter 10

I saw him signal to the DJ and I took a sharp intake of breath. "This song is dedicated to Bastian and Yuliana." I couldn't believe it, the song I was listening to when he interviewed me came on.

Bastian stepped closer. "It's our song." It was Miss Me by Mohombi & Nelly. I nodded in a state of total shock. Nobody had ever dedicated a song to me before.

Bastian led me into the middle of the dancefloor. I still didn't know if he was playing me but was he really that good of an actor?

His expressions seemed sincere but I wasn't entirely convinced. We stood there locking eyes and I didn't see people had cleared a large space for us. I broke apart from Bastian's hand and started a slow independent snakehips movement.

Then I increased the tempo and started shaking my chest and shoulders. My arms were swaying. Bastian stepped closer and tried to grab me but I shook him off. 

I couldn't face him. The smug look that I had surrendered to him, like all the rest, would be too humiliating. I switched to a shimmy, my hips powerfully rotating faster and faster.

I then turned my back and shook my whole body. Bastian grabbed me around the waist tightly and wouldn't let go. I slithered my body against him and extended my arms until they slid up his chest slowly and around his neck.

He bent his head down and I shivered as his hot breath filled my left ear. "Yuliana, what have you done to me?" I felt our bodies fuse as one, the heat drenching us both.

He flipped me around and tilted my head up. I couldn't catch my breath. His thumb traced my lips. He looked as powerless as I felt.

I turned my head and swayed with him as his thigh slid between mine and we began to slow down. My hands rested on his chest and his cupped my face, pulling me towards him.

I jolted as the crowd began whooping and cheering as the song was over. Bastian bent down and retrieved my clip. Then he swept my hair behind me and tenderly attached it around my hair.

I hadn't noticed it had become wild and loose, I was too caught up in the moment. "T-thank you." Bastian smiled and was pulled away a fraction so I seized the opportunity to retreat at high speed.

I ignored everyone and pushed through the crowds, my pulse was racing and my legs had turned to jelly. I just needed some air.

Bastian turned to find me, confused I was missing and was about to chase me but Haz grabbed his arm to stop him. "Bastian you can't follow her, you need to get back to work."

As soon as I was out of eyesight I leaned against the wall and hoped my breathing would soon slow down. What on earth possessed me to behave like that, with him of all people?

I won't let it happen again. I will stick to the plan and avoid him at all costs.

Bastian nodded at Haz and turned to head towards his booth thinking.. She is different.

Chapter 11

I headed outside for some much needed air and almost bumped into Vittorio. "Meet me in 5 minutes in your office." I mumbled a confirmation and closed my eyes, leaning against the wall to steady myself.

I covered my face as it changed from red to purple. My embarrassment was evident to the whole club, I practically threw myself at him, like some bloody fangirl.

He's my boss and a playboy and I cannot develop feelings for him. It is out of the question. My brain was stern but my body was still tingling and my heart asked the question...

What if this time it's different? What if he felt something too? No. I shook my head. It's just his daily exploit. I'm just the latest flavour of the day....

I headed back inside and didn't dare even peek inside the dancefloor region. Vittorio had given me some calls to make and I was almost finished inputting all the receipts into the system.

I fidgeted as someone knocked on the door and I pleaded silently that it was anybody but Bastian. "Come in."

Haz smirked at me. They have dubbed you the DJ Slayer aka the future Mrs Bastian.

I skulked down in my chair. "Nooo. As if this could get any worse. At least it was dark. I mean not many people saw right?"

"Yuliana, you're kidding right?? Even the bouncers came in and watched. I wouldn't be surprised if people were filming it or snapping pictures."

"I wonder what your hashtag will be?" "Ugh you are not helping at all. I want everyone to forget it ever happened not immortalise it."

Haz leaned closer. "You know what the icing on the cake is? Everyone is convinced it was staged and is now going to be a regular thing but they still insist you're a couple."

"Haz if you have a heart, you'll quash the rumours, please, please, please. This is going to cost me my job."

Haz looked incredulous. "Cost you?? My dear, this has cemented it. You're famous."

Chapter 12

Vittorio burst in. "Haz get back to work." Haz handed me the drink he had bought, courtesy of Bastian and I cast it aside but thanked him.

"I don't know what to say." I stood up. "I'm really sorry. I take full responsibility. I'll understand if you want to fire me for being unprofessional."

You are trending across our social media platforms. Some call it a publicity stunt. Fire you?? You just got promoted."

"We are overbooked and people want answers. Maybe organise a Q&A. We could say that you and Bastian are a new couple and will be working together."

"I slumped back down heavily horrified at the notion. No to all of it. It makes me sick, lying and all that attention."

"I'm sorry this must be overwhelming but to be honest, we've been suffering a bit and this rejuvenation is just what we needed."

"Why don't you go home early and we'll talk more tomorrow." I nodded and gathered my things. Vittorio left and Haz popped back in.

"Well?" "You were right. Vittorio is ecstatic and I am kicking myself for letting this happen."

"I hate to pile on but Bastian asked if you would meet him in his booth." "Haz please don't tell him I'm leaving but I have to get out of here. I'm done."

"Look if it's any consolation. I've never seen him jealous or focused on one woman before." I held up my hand. I can't hear anymore. See you later."

Chapter 13

We exited and I exhaled in relief. I locked up and left without looking back. My headphones were blasting music and I felt unburdened again.

I leaned back against the bus stop. I just had to wait 10 minutes and my bus would be here. I loved this time of night, when it was quiet and free of traffic and people.

"Slayer babe, wow it's really you? Can I get a selfie?" I slapped my head in frustration, "You're mistaken and I'm really tired. I don't want to talk, just leave me in peace please."

"You stuck up b-" He lunged at me and I screamed but the next minute he was flying through the air and running off. Bastian had saved me. Could this night get any worse??

"Explain yourself!" Bastian backed me into a corner and blocked my escape. "I'm waiting," I shot him an exasperated look.

"What the hell do you want from me?" "Do you know what could have happened to you, if I had not come looking for you?"

I snapped. "Why is it always the woman's fault, when she's harassed?? Go screw yourself!!" Bastian swallowed hard but his eyes were thunderous.

"I'm gonna let that slide because it's been a long day but I would have thought the future Mrs Bastian, would have been grateful."

"Don't ever call me that again. I dropped my guard and- and I shouldn't have." Bastian scoffed. "Why because you had fun and lost control or because it was with me?"

"Go away Bastian." I closed my eyes, willing the bus to fast track. Bastian slapped the shelter hard and I flinched. "I'm taking you home, get in the car."

"You're under the impression I am one of your doe-eyed girls. I'm not. I don't follow orders so once again. Get lost!"

"Bastian grabbed my hand forcefully. "My patience has run out so listen carefully. I am driving you home. Either you walk of your own accord or I drag you."

I stood my ground and Bastian pulled me onwards. I tried to release his grip but it was no use. He opened the passenger door and I made my final dig.

"Who the hell do you think you are?" He pushed me inside and then got in himself. "I'm your boss, which means I call the shots and you comply."

Chapter 14

I realised I wasn't done screaming and I didn't care I was provoking him. I had no filter around him at all. "In the club, you're my boss, not out here, you control freak!!"

Bastian sighed. "I'll protect you from yourself if I have too." I rolled my eyes. "Oh yea and who will save me from you, huh? Tell me that Bastian???"

I just couldn't stop screaming at him. I shook my head leaned back and covered my face, I knew that the person I was most mad at was myself but I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of admitting that.

My face was probably bright red. Bastian secured my seatbelt and paused before starting the engine. "For the record. I'm not the big bad wolf."

"Yes I goaded you into dancing with me, a lil but the real reason you let loose was because you have strong feelings for me and it scared you."

I finally softened my voice into a whisper. "You're mistaken. You mean nothing to me." Bastian pulled my hands away from my face.

"No. I'm not. I was on the other half of that dance and you could barely look me in the eyes. Whenever I touched you, you gasped."

Your heart was beating as loudly as mine. I just don't understand why you won't admit the truth."

I swallowed hard and looked out the window. "My feelings are irrelevant. You're my boss and I want to maintain my clean reputation."

"I'm not even your type for Pete's sake so find someone else to pick up and discard." Bastian nodded. "Alright you know about my history. I don't do relationships."

Chapter 15

"Well I didn't but now I want to ask you out. I can't get you out of my head. Every person that walks in, I hope is you. When we danced, you let me in and now you're pushing me away."

I bit my lip. "Bastian let it go please. I can't get involved with you. I won't." "I understand your reluctance but I'm only asking for a shot."

"Bastian I'm tired. I don't want to deal with this. My answer is no, just take me home please. I don't trust you."

"I'll drop it for now because you look worn out and I don't want to pile on to that but I'm not giving up. I'm not afraid to say.. I care about you and see us building a future together."

"Please don't say anymore. I'm at my breaking point. I should never have lost control on that dancefloor." Bastian squeezed my hand gently.

"I like to think of it as subconsciously you took the first step in sharing with me your true feelings and putting them out in the open."

"Ugh I'm never going to sleep tonight." Bastian agreed. "Me either." I tried a new tactic. "Don't you think all this could just be your pride at work at being rejected?" 

Bastian smiled if you weren't interested, you wouldn't have screamed at me or blushed every time I came near you.

"We're here. You're home." I nodded and unbuckled and so did Bastian. He got out of the car and walked around to my side.

"What are you doing? I'm not inviting you inside. I don't sleep around, this is what I've been trying to tell you." Bastian extended his hand and I stepped out,

"I can't recall the last time I walked a girl to her door." Bastian looked so vulnerable and I hated how mean I was being to him.

If you don't mind I'll ask you for one favour before I bid you a goodnight. Nothing would surprise me at this point. "May I hug you?"

I felt my eyes start to water and I didn't want Bastian to notice so I quickly hugged him or so I thought but he held on and I could only blurt out.. "Tighter."

We fiercely gripped each other and then he left, I realised that despite his personality, he had never been sleazy.

Not here just now, nor in the car, on the dancefloor or in my office. Maybe he wasn't so bad after all..... Or maybe he was biding his time...... Best behaviour to begin with...

Chapter 16

I shut the door and locked it behind me and quickly undressed, showered and changed into my nightgown. I stuck my phone on the charger and did the same with the headphones.

I pressed play and music filled the space. There was no way I was going to check social media. I hoped that by tomorrow it would all be a distant memory.

Suddenly the music stopped and I cursed and got up. Stupid app keeps crashing but when I looked at the phone I saw an unfamiliar number calling.

I closed my eyes. I knew it was him. I took the phone and sat up in bed and answered. "Hello Bastian." He chortled in my ear and it was a sweet sound.

"How did you know it was me? Or was it wishful thinking?" I shook my head. "I don't know. Are you home or did you go back to the club?"

"I just arrived at my place and it's too quiet. I guess I'm wired from today. Meeting you, holding you.." I sighed in exasperation.

"WIll you quit flirting." "Hmpff. Talk to me until I fall asleep." I couldn't help but giggle. "You're irritatingly likeable." Is that a yes Yules?"

"You just got in, go shower and change and then call me back." Bastian paused to consider this. "Promise you won't fall asleep without me?"

I stretched and loudly yawned. Then tittered. "Mmhmm." I heard his breath in my ear. "You better not, speak soon."

Chapter 17

He disconnected and I got up to apply some lip balm, remove my contact lenses and stick the phone back on the charger but this time, I switched it from mute to vibrate.

Autoplay music was on so the song resumed. Maybe by Jay Sean. I switched off the light and I got back in bed unconvinced he would call me back.

I figured if I fell asleep I could live with that, my battery was 60% but I just couldn't drift off and half an later I rose and checked my phone.

It was fully charged so I grabbed it and slinked back in bed, got comfy and yawned again. I pulled up the covers and then my phone started vibrating.

"What took you so long?" I said in between yawns. "Are you always this demanding? I chuckled. "Mmmhmm." "Hmm. Good to know."

"What are you doing tomorrow apart from seeing me?" I rolled my eyes. "Napping, shopping, avoiding you and some other work to do. What about you?" I was laughing hard.

"That's not funny. Nothing much, come spend the day with me." I gulped. "Isn't it enough to see me in the evening?" Bastian shook his head. 

"Nope. It's not ample and besides I'm sick of sharing you, I want you all to myself, No Haz, No brother, no business, just you and me."

I didn't know what to say so I remained silent. "Umm Bastian. I don't think we should flame the fire." "Yules, one last thing. We're doing a Youtube video tomorrow."

"What?! Bastian that is a bad joke right?" "Listen Yules-" Don't Yules me, my name is Yuliana! I am not appearing in a bloody video with you."

Bastian sighed. "It wasn't my idea but our family needs this. Please Yuliana think about it for my sake." Bastian I'm not a media whore!"

"You picked the wrong damn girl for that. I'm not doing it but feel free to make up any lies you wish but I want no part of this."

"Don't hate me but I had to ask. I'll explain it to Vittorio. It's okay. I won't force you to do anything against your wishes."

"All I want is for this to disappear but you and your brother are going to make it stick around, aren't you?"

"Yules.. Yulia-" I yawned again. "Don't rationalise what you're doing Bastian. I'm going to sleep. Night!"

Chapter 18

I disconnected and switched off my phone and fell into a restless slumber.

I hugged my pillow but I swear someone was banging. I flickered my eyes open. Sunlight was killing my eyes. I got up and stretched.

I wondered what time it was. I stepped into the hallway rubbing my eyes.

The doorbell was ringing I think. Was someone pounding on my door? I sluggishly moved forward.

I put the latch on and opened the door a fraction. Bastian smiled. "Let me in." I groaned and leaned against the door. I was a mess.

I undid the latch and ran into the bathroom squealing. "Be right back." My hair was sticking up, my mouth was dry and my breath was foul. Ughhhh."

I looked down just to make sure I had clothes on. Yup, phew. At high speed, I put my lenses on, washed my face, brushed, showered and changed into a simple rainbow maxi dress.

I put my hair in a messy bun and took a deep breath. "What are you doing here Bastian?"

Bastian walked towards me. "That's disappointing, you forgot we had plans?" I stared blankly at Bastian. "If you recall, I never agreed to anything."

Bastian took my hand and kissed it. "Spend today with me Yuliana. Get to know me, not DJ Splash."

"Umm. Hang on a second." I hid in my room and closed the door. How do I get out of this?

I switched on my phone and saw texts from Bastian. "Sweet dreams, Good morning, I'm on my way over."

I felt conflicted. On the one hand I couldn't seem to get him out of my head and the flip side was I didn't know if he was using me for his business or was he genuinely into me?.

Chapter 19

Bastian gently knocked on the door. I straightened up and opened the door. "I just have to put some makeup on." Bastian nodded and lingered at the door but didn't enter.

I sat down in front of the mirror and opened my vanity case. I pulled out my eyeshadow, moisturiser, an eyebrow pencil and lipgloss.

I got a tissue squirted the moisturiser and foundation on a tissue, folded it to blend it and then applied it all over my face. I then filled in my brows.

Lastly I drew a dark outline around my lips and blotted and then applied a dark cherry gloss to them. I grabbed a jacket but Bastian stopped me.

"You don't need it." I put some chunky boots on, filled my bag. Locked up and then left. "Where are we going?" "I've never seen a woman get ready so fast.."

Bastian smiled. "That's for me to know.." I leaned back in the car seat. "How did you sleep?" Bastian smiled, not great, for some reason I kept seeing this beautiful face haunting me."

"Ugh you're so sappy." I shoved his arm and we laughed. "I didn't have a great night either, after what we talked about."

Bastian patted my hand. "I've been thinking. The Youtube channel was going to be called DJ S&S (Splash & Slayer aka Yuliana and Bastian).."

Bastian tilted my chin towards him. "But seeing as you are opposed. I can do some self interviews, film around the club, take some questions, try to leave you out of it as much as possible?"

"Are you serious? Thank you, thank you, thank you. I didn't think that would be an option? Wait has Vittorio signed off on this plan?"

Chapter 20

I remained sceptical. "He will, I'll talk him into it." I felt guilty. "Bastian I'm sorry. I'm just not.." He turned to me and kissed my cheek."

"I know, it's fine. Let's not talk about it anymore." I bit my lip. "Are you mad at me? Do you think I'm being unreasonable?"

Bastian shook his head. "No, the spotlight is only for people that can cope with it, otherwise, it's a big adjustment."

Bastian parked up and I looked around. We seemed to be in the middle of nowhere but he took my hand and got a basket from the boot with the other.

"I'm taking you on a picnic." I laughed. "Oh okay. I'm not outdoorsy but this will be an adventure. You know, this seems lowkey."

"I would have bet money, you would have booked a fancy bistro or something equally posh." "We can do anything you want but I personally like simple, personal touches."

"I don't like those hoighty toighty places. Simple works for me too but not all the time." "Oh certainly not for birthdays and anniversaries and other celebrations."

I scoffed. "Getting a bit carried away, aren't we??" We found a place near a riverbank and I helped Bastian unfold the blanket and we sat down."

"I've never had a picnic date before and the last time I had a regular one was when I was a child." Bastian grinned. "This is a first for me also but I wanted to make it memorable."

"You don't take your women on picnics daily?" He laughed. "If you'll recall what I did before wasn't dating. I coughed. "Uh huh."

Chapter 21

We continued talking, teasing and joking until all the strawberries, salmon sandwiches and hazelnut cookies had been consumed, then we laid down and cuddled and slept.

I blinked awake. "Crikey Bastian. Wake up, it's 12pm. We've been here for hours. I'm freezing. He didn't stir but pulled me down beside him again.

"Hmm. Five more minutes Slayer." I sighed. "That name makes me sound like some sort of temptress." 

A cheeky grin spread across his face. "Sounds about right. I was knocked off my feet and haven't found my balance since."

He pulled me closer and I put my head on his chest. His arm tightened it's grip around my waist.

After a few minutes I lifted my head up and studied his face. He was far too handsome for a man. Bastian popped his eyes open.

"Any reason you're staring at me? Do I have crumbs on my face?" I shook my head. "You're one of those pretty boys." I cackled.

Bastian raised an eyebrow. "I'm not pretty. I'm ruggedly handsome or reasonably good looking. I shook my head. "No you're pretty." I started giggling again.

Bastian pushed himself up with a dangerous glint in his eye. "I suggest you rephrase that or else."

I glowered with confidence. "Do your worst pretty boy and then doubled over laughing as Bastian lowered his head to mine.

"You have every intention of driving me crazy don't you? I smiled innocently. "Mmmhmm." Just as Bastian was about to kiss me, his phone rang.

He cleared his throat disappointingly. I chuckled. "You'll keep." "Yea. Ugh. What now? Uh huh okay but- Alright bye."

"If you don't mind me asking what was that about?" Bastian began packing up. "Vittorio wants to see us right away." I scrunched up my face.

"I thought we were all going to discuss everything tonight? Wasn't that the plan?

Chapter 22

"Let's go." Bastian shrugged. "Let's just get it over and done with." He helped me up and we headed out. I felt a bit nervous of Vittorio's reaction.

We arrived in no time and Vittorio was outside waiting to greet us. "Good to see you both. This is going to be exciting."

I gulped uneasily. "What are you referring to?" "The Youtube channel launch. Everything is all set up for you both." 

I felt pale and went to the kitchen to get a drink, leaving the brothers alone together.

"Bro. I tried but she's not doing it." Vittorio was furious. "Talk her into it. Charm her, flirt. I don't care but she has to do it. We need this hook, this publicity to keep our doors open."

"I'll do it and hopefully it will be enough." I took a deep breath and wandered out to face the music. "I'm sorry Vittorio I just don't want this sort of attention foist on me."

Vittorio waved his arms in defeat. "Fine, whatever but Bastian can still spin this story. I felt queasy. I was not comfortable with this lie at all but I didn't object further.

I left them to go to Bastian's booth and sit down and I held my head in my hands. "Maybe I should quit?" Bastian appeared out of nowhere and pulled me onto his lap.

"Can't let you do that." Vittorio came in with the tripod camera and I wanted to vomit. "We start filming in 5 minutes. I'll be back then." He left and I held my stomach.

"Sorry Bastian I don't think I can stay in the room and watch. I want to support you but this is just not me. I'm not a liar."

Downstairs Vittorio was grinning like a cheshire cat. "Neither am I, which is the reason I'll be telling the truth about us."

I swallowed hard. "But that isn't what Vittorio wants. I don't want to be your headache Bastian."

"You could never be that. It's part of the reason I can never take my eyes off you. From the moment I mistook you for a party girl to the moment I hired you yesterday.."

"You left me breathless. You challenge me." He caressed my cheek. Every female, tells me what I want to hear, they treat me like I have no substance but you shook me up."

"You spoke your mind. Didn't flatter me and went out of your way to avoid me and even antagonise me. It stopped being about meaningless conquests and became something real."

Chapter 23

"Oh Bastian that's really good to hear because when I first met you I thought you were just another skirt-chaser but you still managed to hypnotise me from the beginning."

" Every look and touch was electric. The many infuriating, impossible to resist versions of you. The gentleman, the arrogant boss, the gruff but respectful protector."

I put my arms around his neck. "I don't know if it would break the magic for people to know the dance wasn't planned." 

"The thought of dancing with you mean't I would have to let the mask fall and show you that I have become infatuated with you and only you."

Bastian growled and nuzzled my neck. "My head exploded when you dragged Haz to dance with him." I giggled and cupped his face.

"I panicked. You made me flustered. I wasn't used to being affected by any man this powerfully and then when you coerced me into dancing with you by faking you'd fire poor innocent Haz....."

Bastian shrugged proudly. "All is fair in love and war." It drove me crazy watching you with him. I thought I could wait until after you finished but then you smiled and looked so happy with him."

"I wanted to get you away from my traitorous friend as soon as possible." "My heart was pounding so loudly I thought it would drown out the music."

"I snuck a peek at your phone and downloaded the song you were listening to that afternoon." 

"That wasn't a fly by night comment. I have never danced in the main room, only in the booth but right there and then, I never wanted anything more than to have you in my arms."

"I was smitten and trying my damndest to be a professional and carry out the interview respectfully. You are the only one that I fed during an interview."

I threw my head back and shook with laughter. "Really?" I bit my lip cheekily. "Are you under my spell? Will you do anything I order you too?"

Chapter 24

Bastian looked equally as mischievous. "Try me." I took a deep breath. "Seeing as our first date got interrupted by your brothers plan for world media domination.."

I licked my lip. "You still haven't given me my first kiss. Mind you, the filming is due to start soon so we better hold off for now."

Bastian shook his head. "Everyone knows I'm completely in your hands." I felt the heat rising to my face and tried to leave but Bastian held my waist and leaned in closer to claim my lips.

I closed my eyes at this sweet, slow burning kiss that captured me. I tried to break away but Bastian smiled and took my lips softly again and again.

"Bastian, the inter-" He mumbled and kissed down my neck. "Can wait." Vittorio shouted Yessssss! We did it!" Me and Bastian broke apart confused and rushed down the stairs.

"You both were incredible, the viewers loved it. We have over a thousand subscribers and it's still climbing. "What are you talking about Vittorio, we haven't started recording yet."

Vittorio held his hands up. "Look both of you don't be mad but before I left I turned the camera on. You've been live streaming."

I hit Bastian on the arm. "Did you know about this?" Bastian shook his head. "I swear to you. I would not have betrayed you. I had no idea. I wasn't focused on the camera, just you." 

"That's what you do to me, everyone else just becomes irrelevant." I walked outside. I was trying to get my head around it all.

"Wait Yuliana!" Bastian grabbed my hand and swung me around. "Honest- I put my hand over his mouth to silence him. "I believe you. I just wanted us to be us, not everyone else's."

"We are supposed to be.. To have a special private relationship, not a media inspired one." Bastian leaned down to kiss me and then took me inside.

"Vittorio you're going to set that video to private right now and then it will be heavily edited."

"In exchange if Yuliana, my girlfriend agrees, we'll make snippets of videos together, even if she is behind the camera, we'll work something out."

"The focus will not be on our relationship but promoting this club and music and mentoring future DJ's."

"I smiled at them. "I'm in. I stand by my boyfriend and his wishes." Vittorio reluctantly agreed. Bastian embraced me tightly and we left together.

Bastian leaned me against the car door. "A few last things I must know. Off the record naturally." I hid my impish demeanor and with mock sincerity nodded and stroked my chin.

"Did you dance with Haz to make me jealous?" "I can see how it would look that way but I'm not into games. I asked him because I wasn't into him. He didn't excite me. He was safe."

Bastian looked smug. "Safe huh?" "I have a question for you, what did you think of my outfit last night. All you said was Hmm."

"It was too hot, too seductive and I kept having to bite my tongue from calling you my sexy minx!" I giggled.

"Were you going to dance the way you danced with me, with anyone else?" Bastian leaned in closer and stretched both his arms securing me in place.

"I never wanted to move, wiggle, jiggle and grind with anyone else." Bastian swallowed hard. "Why did you keep pushing my hands away?"

My eyes twinkled playfully. "Baby I wasn't ready to surrender to you fully, yet." Bastian cleared his throat and whispered hoarsely... "And now?"

I pulled him close and instead of kissing him I whispered.. "I submit Bastian." His lips crashed into mine and this time we both deepened the kiss pressing together. 

The delayed intimacy making us a sight to behold until we regained our senses and headed off.

The End