Yesterday I was thinking a possibility is going to Tesco and picking up a few things but I woke up today with no energy.
I'm going to the uc appointment on Wednesday so I can get bread and rolls and some filling then.
I might see if they have any new ready meals or interesting Christmas stock out yet...
I skipped October's period but ugh the cramps. I don't know if it's hunger pangs or just pmt.
It's past 2pm and I haven't made anything yet but I will in a second.
It would so convenient to go to that Aldi or Lidl local shop but I think the walking ramp down has to be opened by staff and I feel too embarrassed about explaining my health stuff.
I think you have to go up the stairs when you exit anyway? I've no idea.
If the international shop stocked wholemeal brown bread that would have been good too.
I hope Tesco hasn't permanently switched over to self checkout, before they were varying it.
But I'll have to use it because there's no alternatives.
Hmm I heard from Mama so I feel a bit weepy because I don't want to reconcile.
I know she's hurting but I can't keep doing this, being around this behaviour that ends up depressing me.
I replied and Thanked her for the good she did. That had to be recognised too.
I asked her to delete the other email and that I want peace and solitude.
She said There's nothing wrong with me and that she should have known I was in pain.
The thing is, she did know. She didn't care enough to stop it.
Too lil too late now. I deserve to feel physically and emotionally safe.
I'm not trying to make digs but I did say talking to her is like talking to a brick wall.
I don't feel heard or understood and that I never had a voice before but now I do.
I still feel like she's trying to appease me by agreeing or assuming that's what I want to hear.
But I don't care now. I was hoping for it back then, when I needed to be seen and supported.
Now I realise my concerns were always valid and that I just needed to recognise I matter.
My life has significance and I will try to make the best out of things.
I apologise if I'm going in circles but it's just going around and around in my head.
So I need to get it out so I can relax. There must be a reason, she is the way she is..
It has a lot to do with her upbringing and siblings and parents but she still isn't thinking deeply, just continuing to assume..
Saying Sorry, fixes everything and I'll go back to swallowing my pain and making it acceptable to be treated poorly.
These two sentences sum it up..
I want solitude where I'll be kind to myself, look after myself and continue to find my voice that I never had.
I am not going to sacrifice my happiness for others anymore.
Even though I still feel guilt for making her unhappy. There is an immense relief for putting my needs first.
I never thought I was allowed to do that. Care about myself...
Isn't that so weird? I may not have a single soul in this world but I have my own back.
