If you're a new reader, I'll just explain. I'm not in therapy. I don't trust anyone to open up to them.
So for my sanity sake, I pretend to be the Doctor and patient. It's something that works for me..
Hi SS. Welcome.
Hi Doc. I want to explore something. What if I told Mama the truth and she still didn't care?
I don't want to hurt her feelings but it keeps spinning around in my head.
The reason I don't say anything, is if after she heard everything and dismissed it or said she didn't believe me..
I think that would be the final straw, to walk away permanently.
I've just been thinking how peaceful it would be to break that tether and be free.
Don't you think that's extreme? Wouldn't you regret it?
I've gotten to a point where the stress is burying me. I feel stagnant like I'm holding back or waiting for the next disaster..
I can't write. I can't concentrate. I am floating but shackled and my head keeps disappearing underwater.
Let me be the objective one then. What are the pros and cons?
Well, if I told her, that would make me feel heard and less blocked.
On the other hand, she barely listens and is quick to pretend I haven't shared something vital, because it doesn't fit her rationale.
What is your desired outcome?
What am I even expecting??? I think validation. That how I feel matters to her.
I think I want her to take responsibility for her poor decisions. That had a devastating impact on my life.
As an adult. I will take care of my wellbeing, safety and choices.
But as a child, that was not in my control.
It's not something I can get over until she owns up to her part.
Do you wish she would self reflect and not make empty statements without real confessions?
All she says is that she was a bad parent and did the best she could.
On the surface, that is a step but there is never anything added to explain why? Never!
Do you feel it's a cop out?
I actually do. I've let her get away with so much. By saying that, she relinquishes her guilt without personal growth..
That is what ticks me off. I've worked on myself and don't mind admitting my flaws and wrongdoings, why can't she?
How would you do it? In person? Over the phone? In an email or text?
I don't think I could do it in person. Too public. Probably an email or text messages.
What would you say honestly?
Dear Mama,
Only read this while you are free. Not listening to music, not on a phone call, not cooking, not in company.
Thank you.
This is really hard to say, which is why I need your undivided attention.
For the longest time I have questioned our relationship and what I am getting out of it.
I grew up in an unsafe environment, fearing each day for my life.
Being bullied and threatened, while you stood by and did nothing, or not enough to ensure my mental and physical safety.
I hated my life and my body and my personality.
The truth is, my siblings weren't the only bullies. You became one, when you fixated on my weight and personality and compared me to other bullies, who you worshipped!!
You never once made me feel I was good enough as I was.
I was so depressed, so full of self disgust, so trapped, that I tried ending it, over and over, just to get an escape.
I let men I dated say the most vile disgusting things to me, in the hopes that one day, they would care.
I went out, hoping to disappear into the world and never have to come home again.
When I was 17 years old. I was sexually assaulted. I was a virgin and all I wanted was someone to love me and accept me for who I was and who I would become.
A part of me permanently died. I realised I would never ever feel safe again in male company.
That's why I don't date.
You want to know why I didn't tell you? You would blame me, the victim.
I tried so hard to stick up for myself and face the threats of violence but I was too afraid.
You didn't protect me. You blamed me for all they did wrong.
I am 48 years old and I can never be vulnerable around anyone.
I can never let anyone close to me.
I don't trust anyone!
You taught me, who I was, wasn't appealing. I grew up believing I was unlovable.
So why am I telling you all this? Why now? Honestly, I don't know if I want a relationship with you anymore.
You don't listen. You don't respect my boundaries. You talk about them, the cousins, your sons, like they are innocent.
You tell me to get over it. I'm cold hearted. I'm stubborn....
In your eyes, I'm to blame. You see them as misunderstood.
Never once have you seen it from my point of view.
I tell you, not to mention their names or anything about them.
You gleefully praise them and admire them.
That tells me. You don't care about my needs and you sure as hell don't respect me.
Why should I revere and respect you???
Or want to talk or spend time with you?
I've stopped caring about protecting your feelings. I'm looking out for myself.
Don't you dare make anymore promises or statements, you can't keep.
My health is getting worse and worse. The only thing I've wanted is peace of mind.
With you out of my life. I'm that much closer to it.
Goodbye (for now or permanently)
It depends on how you act from now on...
Wow! That was a lot. I wasn't expecting so much brutal honesty.
If it's something you need to do..
It's not for me to say your next steps. Once you send it, there is no going back.
It's brave though, talking to a brick wall..
It might take some time to take it in. You need to be patient.
