Song of the day - Go West - Faithful
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q-4tf66-V3Q
This song of the day randomly popped into my head and I realised it wasn't on my phone.
One of the classics I used play on repeat.. Didn't know the words, did know the band.
Ooh my hair is looking super cute today.
Strange sensation this morning, asleep but awake and I had a succession of dreams but only recalled the last one..
Shopping for an event with a former close cousin and we were distant but sorta friendly.
Then this market, had grocery thieves, celebrity spotting, fancy schmancy items and regular stuff ha, very strange..
I don't think about this person, so I'm not sure why they were there?
I have no wish to reconcile, they showed their true colours to me and made it all about themselves, dismissing my needs and not wanting to listen, at one of the most vulnerable times of my life, so I cut them out, having faced this toxic behaviour regularly.
I should have told her, what I was doing, but I think I just refused her calls, not knowing how to articulate, how I was feeling and the hurt that she put me through..
Back then, I didn't really talk much, I tried but it was so deeply imbedded, without me able to decipher it, I just couldn't..
Nowhere, noone felt like a safe space to share.
She was the closest thing I had to a sister. I desperately wanted that bond, to be seen, to blossom and I thought it would fix everything or make life easier...
But her turning on me and expecting instant forgiveness, was a betrayal too far.
You can't just trash someone, insult them and expect to still be close, without facing consequences.
Plus she didn't fight for me, she could have travelled down to see me and said, I'd like to understand you..
I'd like to reconcile or at least talk and see but her throwing me away, kinda reinforced, she just didn't care.
I really didn't need another fake in my life. I tried to make it work, with the other cousins, a lot of them had sisters too..
But I just remained in the outsider role. I didn't fit in anywhere.
I'll always remember trying to be brave and express, that home wasn't a good environment, it wasn't safe.. To my Aunt.
But I was trying to use my words carefully, trying to be, only half vulnerable and not fall apart.
So I had to sorta, tell it while sarcastically laughing, or grinning or smiling, it was the only way I could actually tell someone..
But I was so hoping, she would see through that facade...
And she didn't and it tore me to shreds because underneath I knew how hard it was, and I knew I was holding back the tears..
Experimenting with trying to be open, trying to talk...
And she said...... Well it obviously isn't as bad as you make out, you're laughing about it...
I must have excused myself and just wept silently. I think my worst fear came true, I shared a secret and wasn't believed....
And I think I must have shut down because, what was the point of communicating???
Who knew, many many, many, decades later I would write about it and not feel embarrassed or ashamed..
And actually have the words in my head, freely and laugh/cry, be happy and sad and accept it, without feeling I need to be strong all the time.
I think I just needed to justify walking away because I was made to feel like garbage.
They didn't take the time to understand me. I struggled so badly, craving someone decent to talk too, to just feel I wasn't the problem.
That there was some appeal to me, that one day someone would want me around, to get to know me.
Now I feel differently, After everything I've been through, the world can go to hell.
I don't need anyone. I'll have chitchats but 75% of me, will never truly be seen.
I didn't really know all that needed to be said. It felt like I had closure ages ago.
I know that my Aunt stopped talking to my Mama and held her accountable.
And at funerals and when I was in hospital she reached out politely, briefly, to which I acknowledged her but neither of us, discussed anything personal..
It was almost business like.. And if she ever wanted to clear the air, I would, but I would not rekindle the friendship..
Which reminds me of another cousin, that sought me out, Mama gave her my number, without my permission..
And she never got in contact, which really pissed me off.
Don't reach out fakely, unless you actually want to connect. I'm sick of ingenuine people.
Ugh how could I forget, the UC appointment is tomorrow (today). I'm going to think of it like exercise, something I should do but I don't.
I'll try to give myself an hour to walk and rest and then maybe, I can shop a bit and not be dead on my feet, that I'll want to pass out.
Especially in this excessive heat. I only have bagels and fillings left but it depends how I feel.
Ideally I want to get food and snacks, realistically even with the rest breaks, I still think I'll be thoroughly exhausted.
Or I could take a cab but I don't know where they would be allowed to park, the main area is closed for roadworks..
There's no easy solution and I usually don't sleep well, so that's even less energy.
Oh just realised something else, as my bus stops are closed either side, when I'm coming home, it stops right outside a sandwich and chicken shop..
But again, it all depends, if my legs will let me go to them. At that point, I'm going to be dying to rest.
So on to today and got back an hour ago and have been munching grilled wings and some chips.
I wanted dessert but there wasn't any, or cheesecake which I hate, too sweet..
Quite tasty the wings, probably needs another 5 minutes under the cooker.
For some reason they gave me rice and some bread so that can be for later or tomorrow, I just wanted to get rid of my hunger.
I am dying to wash off the makeup and change, I just couldn't be bothered because my left leg is developing a strain...
Pfft, headaches, hand twinges and now this. The UC advisor even asked me about it, uncaringly and still gave me an in-person appointment.
What made me laugh to myself was that she called me and I purposely didn't check my phone..
Because she's gonna ask security questions, name, address, phone number, maybe, I forget..
And that's a risk of identity theft... Anyway I loved the fact she said she was busy.......
As though she's the Queen, pfft, give me a phone appointment then dodo!!
As if I don't have things to do. As though I don't kill myself, strain my body trying to make it, to the crappy appointments!!
Sod off!!
So I gave myself an extra hour, wasn't really needed, 30mins next time.
It actually starting off drizzling and cooler, which made walking heaps better.
When I walked that whole market, I swear I wasn't near collapse and that was longer, or maybe the same..
But then the sun came out and even with rest breaks, it helped but it didn't..
My body remembers the pain and tiredness. When I got there, I wasn't fainty...
But heading back home, there's hardly anywhere to rest, so even when I got off the bus, that dizziness hit me hard.
I was just swaying, thinking, not sure I'm gonna make it.. So even though it was just a few steps to the cafe/bakery or the chicken shop...
I couldn't do it. I knew I would need every ounce of energy to walk home.
It's probably just 5x minutes to get home but felt like an eternity. But at least I took the bins out this morning so now to do the uc stuff and finally relax.
