I want to do an experiment and air out all the negative thoughts I've heard said to me and what I think about myself..
To see if that will make writing stories easier...
1. I'm just dumb, I can't comprehend anything.
2. I don't add anything interesting to conversations, I should keep quiet.
3. I'm overweight and unattractive, no-one will/has found me desirable.
4. I don't make sense and I'm boring, so no-one can follow my writing or even feels inclined too seek it out.
5. I'm lazy, I don't do enough active activities.
6. I'm selfish, I only care about myself and my own needs.
7. I'm unlikeable because I don't trust anyone, I don't give any part of myself away and I don't make the time to understand anyone.
8. I hold onto grudges which makes me unapproachable to anyone struggling with their own deficiencies.
9. I'm too wishy washy, I never finish what I start.
10. There's something wrong with me from the inside that I can't reach..
Anger, bitterness, hurt, something that others can see, but I can't and they know I'm not worthy of anything or anyone.
Hmm I've had this draft for ages and I just didn't want to touch it really.
But suddenly I completed the list? Do I feel better or inspired?
Not really, but nor do I feel down on myself. I'm just stressed about money, the same as usual.
The uc appointment is tomorrow. I feel a bit empty about things.
Resigned to it. Whether or not 2026 will have a freshly released Christmas story...
Is anyone's guess. The weather is strange, one minute mild and almost warm and the next freezing.
The cramps are doing a number on my stomach. My body feels hungry but I don't.
A few nights ago it wouldn't stop grumbling for food but I am munching enough.
The last-ish lot I can have today and then I need to get food and a few saline solutions tomorrow.
Plus snacks, slippers maybe. I feel like there is more but I can't think.
Oh I did find an eye drop vial, that was refreshing for my eyes. At least that was an unexpected bonus.
Oh yea and I have to see if the rent letter arrived..
I've got to be smart and stop people taking advantage of me.
As I'm not going away this year, I wonder if I'll take a blogging break.
I've got to focus on the good and not the bad.
Sometimes I feel this need to show others that I'm a decent individual. That I have to act good and then people will see, I'm not horrible.
The problem is when I'm stressed I hate the world and want to lash out and not be nice or helpful.
I should give myself permission to go with how I'm feeling and not feel I have to prove myself just to get basic respect.
Wth the ways others treated me, friends, family, dates, acquaintances...
I constantly have say to myself, all their criticisms aren't true.
It can be more difficult than it seems because it has been year in and year out.....
Being treated like I am always in the wrong for standing up for myself and having my own opinions.
I'm quite tired of being maligned and searching for the strength to prop myself back up.
I think that's why I wrote this. To tell the world. I'm not perfect and that's just fine and dandy..
I wasn't trying to be... I'm just attempting to mix the good with the bad and embrace all parts of me..
Even the bits where I was made to feel ashamed for having feelings or objecting to being hurt.
My voice is still growing. I'm not done yet.
