#BlogLife1162 - Yes you were right I'm dumb..

I want to do an experiment and air out all the negative thoughts I've heard said to me and what I think about myself..

To see if that will make writing stories easier...

1. I'm just dumb, I can't comprehend anything.

2. I don't add anything interesting to conversations, I should keep quiet.

3. I'm overweight and unattractive, no-one will/has found me desirable.

4. I don't make sense and I'm boring, so no-one can follow my writing or even feels inclined too seek it out.

5. I'm lazy, I don't do enough active activities.

6. I'm selfish, I only care about myself and my own needs.

7. I'm unlikeable because I don't trust anyone, I don't give any part of myself away and I don't make the time to understand anyone.

8. I hold onto grudges which makes me unapproachable to anyone struggling with their own deficiencies.

9. I'm too wishy washy, I never finish what I start.

10. There's something wrong with me from the inside that I can't reach..

Anger, bitterness, hurt, something that others can see, but I can't and they know I'm not worthy of anything or anyone.

Hmm I've had this draft for ages and I just didn't want to touch it really.

But suddenly I completed the list? Do I feel better or inspired?

Not really, but nor do I feel down on myself. I'm just stressed about money, the same as usual.

The uc appointment is tomorrow. I feel a bit empty about things.

Resigned to it. Whether or not 2026 will have a freshly released Christmas story...

Is anyone's guess. The weather is strange, one minute mild and almost warm and the next freezing.

The cramps are doing a number on my stomach. My body feels hungry but I don't.

A few nights ago it wouldn't stop grumbling for food but I am munching enough.

The last-ish lot I can have today and then I need to get food and a few saline solutions tomorrow.

Plus snacks, slippers maybe. I feel like there is more but I can't think.

Oh I did find an eye drop vial, that was refreshing for my eyes. At least that was an unexpected bonus.

Oh yea and I have to see if the rent letter arrived..

I've got to be smart and stop people taking advantage of me.

As I'm not going away this year, I wonder if I'll take a blogging break.

I've got to focus on the good and not the bad.

Sometimes I feel this need to show others that I'm a decent individual. That I have to act good and then people will see, I'm not horrible.

The problem is when I'm stressed I hate the world and want to lash out and not be nice or helpful.

I should give myself permission to go with how I'm feeling and not feel I have to prove myself just to get basic respect.

Wth the ways others treated me, friends, family, dates, acquaintances...

I constantly have say to myself, all their criticisms aren't true.

It can be more difficult than it seems because it has been year in and year out.....

Being treated like I am always in the wrong for standing up for myself and having my own opinions.

I'm quite tired of being maligned and searching for the strength to prop myself back up.

I think that's why I wrote this. To tell the world. I'm not perfect and that's just fine and dandy..

I wasn't trying to be... I'm just attempting to mix the good with the bad and embrace all parts of me..

Even the bits where I was made to feel ashamed for having feelings or objecting to being hurt.

My voice is still growing. I'm not done yet.

#BlogLife1161 - Agreeing with me finally still doesn't make me feel you understand..

Yesterday I was thinking a possibility is going to Tesco and picking up a few things but I woke up today with no energy.

I'm going to the uc appointment on Wednesday so I can get bread and rolls and some filling then.

I might see if they have any new ready meals or interesting Christmas stock out yet...

I skipped October's period but ugh the cramps. I don't know if it's hunger pangs or just pmt.

It's past 2pm and I haven't made anything yet but I will in a second.

It would so convenient to go to that Aldi or Lidl local shop but I think the walking ramp down has to be opened by staff and I feel too embarrassed about explaining my health stuff.

I think you have to go up the stairs when you exit anyway? I've no idea.

If the international shop stocked wholemeal brown bread that would have been good too.

I hope Tesco hasn't permanently switched over to self checkout, before they were varying it.

But I'll have to use it because there's no alternatives.

Hmm I heard from Mama so I feel a bit weepy because I don't want to reconcile. 

I know she's hurting but I can't keep doing this, being around this behaviour that ends up depressing me.

I replied and Thanked her for the good she did. That had to be recognised too.

I asked her to delete the other email and that I want peace and solitude.

She said There's nothing wrong with me and that she should have known I was in pain.

The thing is, she did know. She didn't care enough to stop it.

Too lil too late now. I deserve to feel physically and emotionally safe.

I'm not trying to make digs but I did say talking to her is like talking to a brick wall.

I don't feel heard or understood and that I never had a voice before but now I do.

I still feel like she's trying to appease me by agreeing or assuming that's what I want to hear.

But I don't care now. I was hoping for it back then, when I needed to be seen and supported.

Now I realise my concerns were always valid and that I just needed to recognise I matter.

My life has significance and I will try to make the best out of things.

I apologise if I'm going in circles but it's just going around and around in my head.

So I need to get it out so I can relax. There must be a reason, she is the way she is..

It has a lot to do with her upbringing and siblings and parents but she still isn't thinking deeply, just continuing to assume..

Saying Sorry, fixes everything and I'll go back to swallowing my pain and making it acceptable to be treated poorly.

These two sentences sum it up..

I want solitude where I'll be kind to myself, look after myself and continue to find my voice that I never had.

I am not going to sacrifice my happiness for others anymore.

Even though I still feel guilt for making her unhappy. There is an immense relief for putting my needs first.

I never thought I was allowed to do that. Care about myself...

Isn't that so weird? I may not have a single soul in this world but I have my own back.

#BlogLife1160 - Bye BT, howdy EE..

I totally forgot it was the 28th. The switchover to EE went without a hiccup.

My wifi is fine, no interruptions, no headaches. Which is great because losing my lens messed up my day.

Dang it, what was the other thing?

Oh yea, surprise surprise uc hasn't replied, so they don't care. They just want to penalise me for no reason!!

I didn't do this before with the conflicting amounts but in the future, this upcoming change beginning on the 31st October..

I'm going to ask to upload the official updated rent letter, when I get it and if it differs from the amount they say on the phone call, when I call...

I'm gonna add that to the uc statement to cover myself because my word isn't good enough, so at least this way it's in writing.

Cripes I am petrified about the amount I'll be paid. I just want it to cover the bills for the month.

Please!

Ooh some Reddit users love to try and bait you but the block feature is finally working yay, so I'm just exiling them, which is way less taxing than arguing..

It took me a very long time to find my voice, I'm not going to be silenced now!!

I should do a food shop, but who knows if I can even afford it?

Honestly some days I just want to give up and say You win. I'm done...

Something I've been thinking about.. Is what happens when the microwave and panini press finally dies?

I see less giveaways for microwaves and more for air fryers.. I did read something about them possibly causing cancer..

They didn't really appeal. They look so bulky but I guess the microwave is too..

Then I still need to heat up liquids like soup, so I need a microwave anyway...

I've started entering for them, you never know. Surely at some point I'll be able to report good news, instead of bad?!

As usual I feel drained by others. When it's just me on my own. I'm much calmer and happier.

I don't know if this will go out later today or next week.. My brain is shutting down.

I wish I could get rid of this cough. Well as it's the weekend it's time to try the new face mask..

Very minty. I prefer a sweet perfume scent. It's not too thick or thin.

Easy to apply I massaged it into my face and will see if it hardens or if I just have to rinse it off.

I didn't read the instructions. I'll just wing it.

I just want to relax, away from constant worrying all the damn time.

That's surprising. I was paid the same amount £967.49. My balance is £1,036.446.

I thought it would be £800 with the bogus/penalty/fine/repayment nonsense.

I still don't think I'll do a grocery shop yet. I have to work out the bills again.

£116 for tax.

£58 for water.

£15.45 for tv licence

£33/££24.42 EDF gas and electricity

£29.59 EE (I don't know if that's phone and broadband)

£ - rent? (£600ish maybe)

£ - groceries?

I guess roughly with the rent it's £876.46. I can afford one grocery shop this month.

The rest of the 3 weeks. I have no idea, maybe mini shops to Tesco.

The buses are working so I'm going to stretch the food as long as I can.

What I shall do is just have small meals. I have bits and pieces in the freezer.

At a push that might last another week. It's a pity, the bread and rolls are finished.

I feel like there was more expenses. I guess I need to top up my oyster travel card later on next month maybe.

I need to buy a contact lens cleaner, saline solution, eye drops and new slippers.

I did want to buy boots, a skirt and earbuds but those are not essentials.

At least I know what lies ahead for November...

#BlogLife1159 - How to describe custard cakes?

I swear this international shop is inventive. Rum cakes that taste fresh from an upscale bakery, not pre packaged..

Eclair cupcake hybrids that were soo creamy... Now again the moistest cakes..

Very vanilla with a custardy taste. It's not runny custard. I don't even know if it is custard or icing with a custardy addition?

Whatever it is, it will melt in your mouth. A 4x pack and they are big.

It would be even more perfect with more custard on the side, ha.

The chocolino are just like m&m's. How do they not get sued? It was tough to open, strained my hands but very tasty and affordable.

Ok, no more typing. My hands are on fire. The pain is bad but I have to play binaural beats to soothe them.

Yay. I finally found a facebook comping group where you can request people to tag for competitions.

I've been searching for ages. I found one before but it seems no-one is active but this one seems good.

I shall wait and see. If anyone is willing to let me tag them. I am missing out on so many good giveaways because I have no-one to mention.

I wanted to do it before Christmas. There will be spectacular prizes.

Hmm so far, no-one seems interested, which is a shame. I'll do the untag competitions or the twitter ones then.

I'm hoping that chemist in the Market, sells saline solution and eye drops and a cleaner, that way I can stick with Iceland.

My competition site is down so I'll just search on facebook or twitter instead...

Now more than ever, it would be good to win some vouchers..

I guess if the worst comes to the worst I could swallow my principles and submit a photo to see if I get accepted into those research or home testing studies...

Ickity!

EDF is so weird. I don't know if it's because of the Winter Home discount, they didn't mention that.

Now suddenly it's a decrease... From £33 to £24.41. They haven't even said if it's for gas or electricity...

Maybe they've both gone up and been lowered, or just one?

I never understand the contradictions but they are chatty about it.

If I'm saving on both bills, that's great. Good news seems miraculous to me...

I had an awful morning. I don't know if my contact lens was stuck in my eye or had fallen out..

But it took 2 hours to resolve it. Ugh horrid morning, so only now eating..

#BlogLife1158 - Back to feeling disturbed..

I tried half the bao bun, chicken teriyaki salad. Quite tasty. Not as saucy as I thought, thank goodness.

Also not as salty as I expected. Another plus, it's just a hint of seasoning, which I prefer.

Nice soft chicken but maybe there is sauce on the base which makes the buns a lil soft and not ruined but a tad spoilt.

It's still nice though but something to be eaten first, not a leftovers item, like the salmon avocado...

Umm. I don't know if I would get it again. If soup was an option, that would be preferred.

I have no proper moisturiser, so I opened the Biore, not a scent at first but as you apply it, some generic sweet smell.

It's very thin, easy to apply and absorb. A twisty open top, but no lid as such..

I have to wash off my makeup. I just used wipes because I don't want to get up and stand for a bit. My skin feels very soft, not heavy.

But it is still very dry, when I rinse it, I will reapply the moisturiser.

I've changed. It used to be when I shopped for snacks. I couldn't wait to dive into them...

Now I just leave it until I'm hungry, which I'm not really. Unless I get peckish later...

I'm just more tired than anything. Ugh if that maintenance worker hadn't knocked, I could have napped..

They always just show up without appointments.. At the worst times..

Despite the weather and the awful toll shopping has on my body.

I'm quite pleased and happy to have gotten so many unexpected deals.

I thought I wouldn't have any luck finding anything. A pleasant surprise :)

Something I wasn't expecting. Normally when my elbows are cracking the Radox bath soak helps..

But it didn't but just now reapplying the body butter, they do seem softer..

I think one day, for a lark I'll use the Radox as a face wash, just one time..

It has such super moisturising capabilities and the fragrance from the essential oils are wonderful...

I tried one of those chocolates. It is like a soft truffle centre but also a whole nut and then another ingredient...

There's almost like a cherry flavour aftertaste, not really alcohol but something else.... Ooh they will go down nicely..

"

Not too bitter or sweet. Almost like it's between dark and milk chocolate..

For £3 it's really good value, because a bunch like that, especially with nuts, would be triple that price..

The Ferreros were from £7... To put it in perspective..

Anyway I'm glad I tried it. I would recommend it and get it again.

I can't face anything else, maybe a crisp but I'm stuffed. I just wanted a mini dessert really.

I forgot it was Friday, aka pampering. I was tempted to use the new mask... But I didn't. 

The Tesco one is nearly finished. I don't think much of it. It didn't moisturise my face so I don't recommend it.

Waking up today and feeling my skin, I am so shocked that it's still soft and hydrated.

It's not 100% normal but 75% better with small patches of dry bits on the forehead.

That was with 2x applications. I'll be shopping regularly at Sam's pound place, whatever it's called.

I woke up at 6amish, just fretting about What if they don't want to hear my side or believe me..

And think I'm just spending surplus... Instead of the reality, struggling with the bills and food shopping.

I feel like saying, OK, fine, just cover my bills then and I'll go back to starving myself because I've done it before when I couldn't afford food and I can do it again!!

It really does seem personal, knowing that, all they needed to do was check my bank balance from the date in question and see....

Oh look is she taking the money we give her and keeping some or is she in fact paying excess that we are not paying her and using every allowance to fully pay her rent?

I don't have a good feeling anymore. They are probably not interested in the truth.

One thought did come to mind about paying the made up arrears but that would not have lasted forever...

Every time I've called up, it's usually that amount, £666.81 I think it was.....

So even if I was paying extra to lessen my debt.... At some point, they would have said, You can pay the normal amount...

Not once have I heard that!!!

Anyway, I'll roll with the punches, the way I always do when I'm targeted maliciously.

I'm very used to it by now.

#BlogLife1157 - Wow I shopped for the first time in ages...

Good afternoony. How's everyone doing? Oh what a day and it's only 12pmish...

So much to tell you and you and you over there lurking or skim reading :D

Where do I begin? I woke up at 7amish and was pretty organised.

My hair is flat and messed up with the rain. I didn't realise it was pouring a bit..

I opted to layer up, tshirt, green leopard top and blue trousers or black, I can't see a thing..

And no jacket because with the walking, I feel hot and bothered and faint enough..

Surprise surprise... The buses are running almost perfectly. It stops just outside the station, good stuff..

And my bus stop is officially closed outside my home, but it wasn't before...

Anyway Kebabish and the Chicken shop weren't open yet.. Oh well..

No pakoras or a burger.. I wasn't freezing cold just a lil nip in the air.

I went to the bank but that wasn't open so I got drizzled on. Ha while I was gaming, I dropped my phone oopsie..

Some kind lady picked it up for me, very sweet. The highlight of my day really.

As she didn't need too but bending would have toppled me over maybe..

Let's take a break, the sushi has just got here, although not hungry yet..

I decided to try bao buns, I really wanted the beef but it said spicy and they over pepper..

I opted with chicken teriyaki. I don't know if I've tried that sauce..

Bit on the small side, but dang they rammed it with chicken.. Ha.

It looks nice with the veggies. Every part of me hurts because today was a lot...

They were running late so I had to have the uc appointment and ugh she said make a plan, so I said I'll do something at the library..

Connect something.. I can barely move and you're asking me to do stuff..

Anyway luckily remembered to make the deposit and by that time, I was gripping the desk to hold myself up..

My legs were buckling and swaying like a drunk person..

She still asked if I wanted a free finance review, so I said I can barely stand.

I wanted to say, well you've stopped my overdraft so I'm scuppered now but I said, Seems like a waste of time..

They want money, more deposits..... I don't have much of that..

I'm quite proud of myself though... I didn't rest at all and switched to several shops...

I went to Sam's Pound shop and spent £7ish so one thing must have been a lil more than a pound but super value...

Arghh. I forgot to get a drink.. I fancied some fruit juice. Oh well, water will do..

Anyway, here's what I got.. The pictures of today's haul are up on Twitter by the way...

Haribo Travel Parade. I wanted the Cola but they seemed a bit dated... £1

Chocolino Peanuts. The knock off to M&M's... Ummm I may have tried these before. I'm not sure.. £1

Biore Hydrate and Glow moisturiser 100ml. (Score a brand name and a 100ml, good size, as it's normally 50ml). £1.25.

Beauty Dept Jelly cleanser with ginseng 200ml. Ooh big size.. I've not heard of this brand.. £1.25.

But oh it smells nice, fruity.. Also Beauty Formulas Tea Tree face mask 100ml.. £1.

I'm not keen on that brand, very drying but I've never tried their masks..

Tea tree oil, aloe vera and witch hazel, do nothing for me but let's review and see.

I hope it's not a peel off version. I couldn't see any writing that indicated it..

And then because I've hated the other conditioner from Iceland, what was it called Xpel??

I thought Hey, let's try something new.. Veloure conditioner £1.25, 250ml.

Very pretty purple packaging. Oops it's for toned hair and mine is just black..

It smells nice with almond oil included. This post is getting long.

Then we'll quickly move on to the International store. I've no idea on prices, no receipt...

But it was £11ish... Foxes cookies, Custard cakes, never heard of that. They look so yum..

Sweet waffles, been ages since I had that. My Przysnacki Chrupki crisps..

Adore these. I call it extra crunchy thick wotsits.. Delicious..

Lastly Ulker Ece chocolate nut sweets.... They look really delicious.

New to me. Those had the £3 price tag. I can't see the size. The blue pouch bag, looks substantial.

Individual, foil covered. I don't know if they are truffles with a whole nut inside?

No Idea I don't know the language. I just love the store so much. Alsorts of weird wonderful things, guaranteed.

Everything else seems about £2 each. Plus from somewhere I got cashews..

They had chocolate covered but no, I wanted plain. Considering all of that was under £20.

That's pretty amazing. Brand names too. In any other stores, it would be double and triple the prices..

My first experience of Sam's was quite good. I just had to look properly to see what I needed.

I didn't expect to get the face mask, but I did. The sushi was £11 off so saved there too.

Oh my one last thing... When I thought the sushi came. It was the landlord about the maintenance appointment, that failed to happen..

He was a nice chap though, looked around and said they'll be in touch.

I was sooo tired. Oh the bus was on a delay so that was weird. Took me ages to get home..

But hey I'm still grateful not to walk, woohoo :) It's really nice to have snacks again..

Oh cripes got to do an Iceland delivery... Um maybe Sunday..

Oh and the Chocolino bag has 25% extra free. I didn't notice that 170g bag.

That was almost funny as I was exiting, my legs decided to almost collapsey..

So I crashed into the shelves.. Not a massive one, just oops, my body is shutting down, type of thing..

Some guy I think asked if I was ok. I could not walk in a straight line from then on. So I just mumbled MmmHmm..

I mean What could I say? Well not really, the pain is setting in. I feel dizzy. My legs don't always work.

I can barely stand, I want to hold on to something. I know I look drunk, but I'm just very very ill.

But I just really wanted to have a bit of fun shopping because I've missed it.

These snacks will last a long time too. I want to stretch the pennies but also have some treats and now I can do both finally as the buses work!

I'm really trying to stay in a good mood but once again. I'm being screwed over.......

There was a message in my journal that said I've been overpaid..

Mood ruined. Every time I call the landlord it's a different bloody rent amount.

I can never get a straight answer. Actually screw this. I'm going to turn up the heating and get some food..

And then we can unpack it together!

(Ps, is everyone trying to screw me, the landlord and DWP, because they think I have savings???

Think again Schmucks!!!!

Alright I'm back and just realised Yahoo deleted the rent notes I was keeping so I have no idea on the amounts.

I'm going to have to rely on the blog. It's a good job I'm candid.

This again is the right opportunity to say, Thank you for the letter, I can only go on what the landlord tells me, to then relay back to uc.

The letter says from the 25th September - 24th March, I said the rent was £125.73, service charge £22.22.

The total being £147.95 per week. (£591.88). I have a strong feeling the landlord is again, telling them one amount and me another.

(£666.81) was what I was paying.

My bank statements don't lie!! You know what..... Let me see if I can find a rent statement receipt that I've kept..

You do not need to do anything we will take back what you owe us!!

I need to compose what my reply is. Damnit, I have no notes on this one.

If everyone wants to play games...... Well let's join in, shall we??

Well, well, well. Look who cleverly stored emails from 2025. One dated in December and one in October....

Overpaid??? Underpaid I covered the excess rent amount idiots!!! I was so stressed and panicked. My face is red.

My heart is pounding but this time I have bank statements and email receipts and those are vindication....

How dare you question my character! My message has been sent, there was nowhere to upload it but they better ask me too!!

It's like DWP wants me to starve and the landlord wants me to be booted out..

Not today! I'm not paranoid after all, the landlord's skimming off the top.

#BlogLife1156 - Shopping with no balance and no stamina...

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow's uc appointment, but when am I ever happy about them?

Hopefully it's quick and straightforward and no eye rolls or disrespectful tone.

I wonder if many stalls will be out? In December when the buses are running I want to look out for the slipper stall, nice high quality footwear for probably £5-£9..

I wonder if the food stall will return with chicken samosas, pakoras, wraps and spring rolls?

I have never gotten an upset tummy with that. Or I could go into Kebabish for the pakoras..

I think I said Sam's Pound store has the face wash and moisturisers.

It's the aloe vera kind, which I loathe. It doesn't help my skin in face products but the pure stuff is good for burns and cuts.

I cannot afford to be picky now. There is another beauty store. I never know the name but that sells alsorts but usually a high price.

Plus of course my favourite international shop which has various sweet and savoury treats and household items too..

Ahh I had a look at my bank balance. I'm not overdrawn. There is the tax bill left and that will cover it with £4 left.

I definitely need to make a deposit tomorrow so I can buy groceries. 

Although I still have supplies to last the weekend. I just need sugary treats desperately.

It's been tough with no dessert this week. I should plan a minimal shopping route.

Everything can mostly wait, except food and snacks and the bank. I think that's it really.

I have to get my brows done and a pedicure but that's December's issue.

Please give me some energy for tomorrow and let me sleep well so I feel rested.

If I can manage to shop first, sit and get my breath back at the bank, then make a deposit and then rest at the uc appointment, that will be a lot more bearable..

But again it all depends if I can stay upright, or will I feel my legs will give way???

Plus I need the energy to walk halfway home, that's a lot rougher carrying bags.

I'll be gutted if I only manage to go to the bank but I can't argue with my body, if it's at full capacity and can't manage anymore, I'll accept it.

Everything is close by en route to the uc. It's not far at all but that tiredness is a killer.

I don't feel safe feeling faint. Who knows what would happen if I just collapsed outdoors?

Would I be helped or left? I don't even know if I should stop the bus before I get home as that nasty driver refuses to halt and the next stop is quite far...

I could always grab food, wait for the alternative bus, see if they stop at my home and do it that way...

Ugh nothing appeals to me. I really don't know how to comfort myself and say....

You have it in you to walk and get home safely..

#BlogLife1155 - Off/on... This site or that?

A lil tip if you buy as many earbuds with cases as I do and after a while it randomly stop/starts charging or only does side..

Keep the case open and that way, you can see the red charging light come on and then see it switch to blue when it's full.

That makes such a difference. I hate connecting it and assuming, yea it's fine, connecting it and the battery low voice pipes up..

Grrr you were in the case for ages. I also try to keep the case fully powered too, that helps mostly.

Ugh the neighbours were so noisy and then someone was knocking loudly.

I don't know if it was for me or the neighbours but I didn't have my lenses on so I ignored it..

I was hoping it was a parcel but there was no note or box left.

Ugh BT wrote and said my service is going to be cut off soon so I quickly rang them and she said don't worry, it's because you haven't officially switched over yet but everything is in order for the 28th.

That's a relief. I thought something went wrong for a minute.

Somebody on Reddit set up a new blog site so I was giving feedback on it.

I don't know whether or not I want to commit to it. It's called Melody and I like that you can incorporate a song into it..

I'm not sure how good or bad that would be.. For readers, apparently only when you press play though..

Not automatic as I thought. I'm not sure how many users there are yet.

The developer is very open and responsive so I joked about a dedication page and their first million ha.

The set up was easy but I looked at the post page and went blank so I left it..

Blogger is so easy to use. I could have a secondary one for maybe notes..

I don't know. I'll see later on, how I feel about it..

It's so annoying to satisfyingly have cleaned up and then notice it's messy again..

It's probably a minimal tidy and I'm just making it a big deal..

I'm going off 7 Cups more and more. The members are fine, the admin staff are horrible.

I can't respect a site where you can't post and be heard as a woman.

I'd like to be able to express myself but I can't unlike Reddit, who let you post anything once you have Karma behind you..

I think I'm mainly using it as I told uc I volunteer there, which I do but it's not as satisfying as before..

I'm helping the same sort of unhappy people on Reddit and being able to post my own stuff easily without them being removed.

#BlogLife1154 - Does stress overrule you and stop you moving forwards?

I wish it was a better night's sleep but some rest is better than none at all.

I didn't hear back from the penpaller so that's that. A pity but maybe I'm not in the right headspace anyway..

I keep forgetting about the chronic pain binaurals. I was so focused on the anti nausea, the hand pain was creeping up and now typing is pretty sore..

EDF (gas/electricity), wrote and said they are upping my bill by £20 so that £10 saving from EE (broadband), seems void now.

I'm tired of stressing about money. I'm as careful as I can be and whatever will happen, I'll deal with it.

I was freezing last night and took the blankie off prematurely. I still only put the boiler on every other day..

I don't want to make myself ill though.

I'm still enjoying Reddit, despite the immature downvotes. People thinking only their opinion matters and leaving gross comments on my posts.

Despite saying Keep it clean and respectful but some posts have taken off and the nice users far outweigh the negative ones.

I should have joined years ago :)

Something that was bothering me I recently addressed. I wrote about it on here first but probably ran out of steam..

The post titled Talk with words, not pictures..

Anyway someone asked for feedback and I thought because they brought it up..

I can safely admit, something your doing which I'm not a fan off is...

You use a lot of gifs instead of talking to me and that doesn't work.

I'm burnt out on gifs because I'm a word person and it's a bit meaningless to me.

I don't feel you've read what I've written or bothered to answer my question so that disturbs me.

And they took it onboard and said they won't do it anymore. Which I'm pleased about.

I was in the minority which surprised me, other people don't mind them but for me, it was affecting me a lot.

But I didn't know how to address it.

At home or around family, I could never speak my mind. That menacing look or tone, scared the hell out of me.

I got used to not talking at all, I'm presently still trying to unlearn that and speak up..

Well I wasn't expecting that. I completely forgot about the government heating allowance.

EDF wrote and said I quality for a £150 rebate so 3x months ish really or probably closer to two months paid..

The Warm Home discount scheme for the electricity only, not the gas...

But I have a gas combi boiler... I'm never sure how that works exactly but it's automatically applied so I can start using the boiler normally again.

Thank goodness. One less thing to stress about :)

#BlogLife1153 - Safety net gone..

Well the bank is withdrawing the overdraft that I had. It started with £1k and reduced to £250.

I just liked knowing it was there for me. I mean hopefully things will turn around soon with next week's deposit.

The reduction in broadband costs and the possible extra £30ish from saying my savings are gone, can't hurt..

My Chromebook is 6 years old now, how long will that last? The microwave and panini press are showing a lot of signs of wear and tear too.

Would be nice to get lucky and win replacements for these pricey items.

I don't know what to do with my hair. I have a sudden need to grow it a lil bit.

But the back is so scruffy, maybe I'll keep the front and sides long and trim the back?

Well I'm glad I trimmed the back and kept the front and sides long.

I think every so often I want a change. Why is it whenever I load blogger I forget immediately what I was going to say?

I reset the banking app which wasn't as bad as I thought and put the password somewhere else..

Because I am forgetting alsorts now. It was confirming a text code..

Putting in your customer number, pin code, pass code and then creating a new pin..

I've got £60 and 2x grocery shops at £40 each. I can only do one on Monday.

This weekend sushi... And then with my appointment pushed to Friday..

I don't know how to have the energy to shop but I need too. Goodness how do I do it with the pain and sleepiness plaguing me?

I looked at the Sam Pound shop online, apparently they have small face washes and no face masks other than peel off, no thanks.

But I think they have biscuits and noodles and sweets so ideally I can pick up things...

But I don't know how to plead with my body to do that.. Hang in there, rest won't be for a while.

Plus the schmucky bus driver isn't stopping outside my street so it's so much walking to do.

Then the fear of straining my hands carrying the bag... I really don't want to spend money...

But life goes on and I need stuff. I'll just try to rest a lot. Hit the bank, sit down, then make a deposit..

Then maybe get pakoras or browse the pound shop and then go for my uc appointment, where I'll be sitting and waiting around anyway.

I always have an idealised plan and then my body is like nope, knackered, nice try though...

The pain and tiredness doesn't end when I sit down. I'm just no longer out of breath.

Knowing me I probably miscalculated and I'll be overdrawn soon again...

I ended up not getting the sushi and doing a grocery shop instead.

I wanted that more. I couldn't get any dessert but everything was mainly in stock..

Just the smaller loaves of bread. I think I'll do the crackers with cheese this time and the mackerel/sardines in a toastie.

Hmm changed my mind ha. The fish works better with a crunch. I knew it.

I like my cheese toasties anyway.

My pmtish nausea is so weird. At times, I forget to put on the anti nausea video and I'm perfectly fine..

Other instances I have to race to play it and think, stop everything, pause the munching, listen and stay calm, don't vomit, please don't be sick.

Usually it works, other times it doesn't but it's better than anything else I've found.

#BlogLife1152 - Merge games

I don't know what it is about Merge games, putting objects together to create something else but it's relaxing to me.

I've actually found one that isn't false advertising for the first time ever.

The advert where you fix things with the ingame coins but the reality is just the merge part...

There is actually a storyline and you do get to do a home makeover via repairs.

The other thing is the energy usually runs out super fast with these types but they keep putting events up so you can play for a while and not run out too much.

Sometimes I have to stop and focus on other things as the time has gone by ha.

Oh and this one you don't have to guess how you make a specific thing.

Crikey, the first ever one I played, no instructions at all and it was flipping rare to get what you needed.

This one can take a minute or so but you do complete goals/orders and progress fairly quickly.

I don't have to googly information which is so much easier. I've got 2x installed.

Frost Valley, my preferred one with the storyline sometimes and then Whisper Castle which is good too.

Hmm Yahoo deleted half my draft emails. There was way more in there.

Luckily the stories and drafts are there but a chunk of other stuff is gone.

I've not exceeded the storage limit. Wowser. I don't even remember what was in there, except....

Damnit the bank password. I'll have to reset it. I have a strong feeling, there were more passwords in it.

Cripes!

Anyway I finally called up BT, they are phasing out the copper wire broadband or landlines or something..

I couldn't stay with BT sadly. I like them for their customer service, helpful for queries and upgrades. 

They care, whereas EE seems to focus on profit, not people. Upgrading is way more expensive.

I spoke to a nice chap who said, if I didn't need the landline anymore I didn't have to pay for it.

He said I currently pay £41 not sure if that's with the mobile contract but the new cost of switching is..

£27 I think and it goes up by £4 yearly. Plus I could keep my router. Phew no faffing about with new equipment.

The official changeover is on the 28th October and my service shouldn't be disrupted.

The speed should be the same as with BT and I think that was it..

Saving money is good. I like EE for the service, much better than others but sometimes calls drop.

The phone disconnected about 2 or 3 times. I'm thankful that he called back.

I dislike EE for always pushing expensive mobile contracts. Why would I pay 3/4x times the amount I am paying now??

Why don't you care about your loyal older customers instead of just the new ones??

I had this dream last night. I was shopping and this millionaire elderly woman needed help, so I did what I could..

And afterwards she gave me some cash and wouldn't take no for an answer..

So I thanked her and exited and she followed me and said.. Don't take offence but you're facing hardship right?

I was cagey. Umm I don't talk about money but life is tough at present.

She said I need some companionship, advice and support and I'll pay you in vouchers if you like?

So I thought this is weird but it's also where I'm skilled and grocery money would help.

So she kept giving me bonuses and I said No, let me earn it by being useful.

I don't want to be a user and she kept saying... Look I can see you need stuff and I can afford it.

You need groceries and new clothes and other things. You're providing a service, why not let me take care of you?

It was soooo against my nature to accept but deep down I thought...

Isn't it nice someone is looking out for me?? I asked her about her friends and family but she didn't have anyone.

She didn't seem lonely or unfulfilled but happy and content. I admired her.

Then I woke up wistful because I'll never have that. I always have to look out for myself.

There is noone that sees my struggles.

#BlgLife1151 - Waiting on Iceland..

I did rest a bit but it felt like I was just getting into a deeper sleep when it was time to get up for Iceland..

Abrupt awakening so I remembered the dream partially.. Something about getting lost, trying to buy food and the salesperson was crumbling it in front of me..

Trying to get me to go to some political event. Very strange.. Iceland's running late.

I probably could have slept in, operational issues and no G delivering it, aww, which means no bags and bending and unhelpful drivers..

Oh yea and the cramps were keeping me up too. Brutal first thing but now I'm listening to binaurals and I think they've disappeared, although some lingering discomfort remains..

I'm not bothering to look at new stock. I just need the basics. Ha, the Hills biscuits which would have been dessert are out of stock..

Selfish Iceland could have delivered an alternative, loads there but nope. 

It's going to be a long week. Oh wait, I think there's maybe 2 chocolate cereal bars left, that's something..

And there is the biscuit spread but for some reason, it has zero appeal to me.

Sometimes I swear I've gone nuts or Iceland has randomly removed items.

I'm sure I put sardines and mackerel in the basket, but no sardines, I wasn't charged for them though.

Plus I thought I added black bags. I'm low on that too, but nope, not delivered, not charged.

It could have been worse, no bread but cheese, or cheese but no bread ha.

That's happened before.. Maybe I did remove them for budgeting sake..

My stomach's rumbling for food but not appealing yet. I got partial help from the driver..

Always a relief when the uc appointment is concluded. For once they were on time and it was quick.

I don't know whether to have croissant hotdogs, aka hottisants..

Chicken frankfurters, chilli jam, maybe some cheese. Oh I wish I could afford olives and stuffed peppers yummm..

Or the mackerel with crackers and butter or maybe one of each...?

Hmm tasty decisions...

This is something I wrote a while back. Anyway I have to let you know when I loaded up Blogger today..

There was a notice about changes to the content and that a new setting is there to warn people ahead of time.

My blog isn't explicit, however there are some things that are for adults only.

Now when you click on my blog, you'll have to confirm you're ok with sensitive issues.

Hopefully it's just one time and you get to decide if you want to proceed or not.

If I didn't switch it to adult, my blog could be flagged and probably terminated I'm guessing.

#BlogLife1150 - Boiler indecisive moods - Engineer gobbledygook!

Song of the day - Deni Hines - It's Alright

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_FectCw-jg&list=WL&index=96

Oh I used to love this forgotten song...

I started the day off with music. I feel okay actually even after yesterday's cleaning, it didn't take long and wasn't gruelling.

I really love that simple mix, hot water, bleach and washing up liquid. It serves me well.

I did two methods as I don't have a bucket, filled the sink with the soapy concoction and the other one was just spilling it directly onto the mop itself which is my preferred method now.

Something weird is that, half the tall mop handle is gone. I don't know how that happened.

Either it fell out or was thrown away mysteriously by someone else...

Ok the engineer just left. He came in the last 15 minutes of the appointment and I couldn't understand a word he said.

No apology utter confusion. Do they take classes on how to bewilder customers?

I don't know why they act like it's always a catastrophe site. He seemed to indicate there was an issue with the thermostat..

Then it was... I need to run tests. I didn't know if he was coming back or not, they normally do that, flit from indoors to outdoors to back inside..

So I stood by the door like a fool waiting, while my hand just got painful.

And then he joked I'm not here all day. I told you I was done and that was it...

Oh I swear he clipped on or installed another boiler on/off switch....

Why? The other one works well. I didn't understand the logic and then he says, I need to switch it off to run diagnostics..

I thought Ok... I hope it's easy to turn it back on again.. As I thought he meant he was turning off the whole system and I'd have to figure out what to press on the boiler.

At this point I don't even know if it's on or off. It's now boiling though..

Oh I haven't eaten so time to make toasties..

Ok a few things I realised, a lil too late. He was not clear so today because the boiler is fine.

The blue numbers are still there, no error message. It turned on easily today..

I'm wondering if he meant..... You turn off the boiler for me, I'll do what I need too outside with the meters and then when I leave, you turn it back on....

That was not clearly conveyed and he did not say.. I asked you to turn it off..

I assumed he did it... Oh such a headache when they are not talking properly.

The other thing was I forgot to ask him to loosen the tap. Plus for some reason in the bathroom...

I thought the hot tap, was the cold tap...... So that's why running the cold tap didn't produce hot water....

In my defence ha..... I usually run the tap and by the time I'm done, there's no hot water anyway.

It is very slow to produce warm/hot water... So it is working. I know the radiators seem only lukewarm..

I don't feel cold... Maybe I freaked out for nothing and it's all ok?

I'm glad it's done for another half a year or so... I need to make breakfast..

It's nearly 2pm lol

#BlogLife1149 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 30 - The Darling Buds Of May

I watched the whole series. Gosh so short only 3 seasons. I guess Catherine and David had other projects to do.

It's a shame it wasn't longer. I never understood Pop flirting and kissing other women.

I know for some he boosted their ego and Ma didn't mind much but it felt disloyal.

Mariette and Primrose sure inherited that trait in a bad way. Primrose had the worse taste in guys.

A voyeur, vicar, a thief and a poet who all were unsuitable. I didn't realise the 10 year age gap between the vicar ick.

In the end Mariette was two faced. She flirted with every guy that gave her attention and then kissed her acquaintance Tom.

But threw a giant hypocritical hissy fit when Charlie was kissed, plus didn't confess her crime, show remorse and then went running off to see him.

I mean damn, it was Tom that acted like a gent and told her to go back repeatedly. She wanted to stay pfft.

Even deceived her Mama when she enquired about Tom.. Friends pfft. You don't kiss friends especially when you know they have expressed interest.

I mean bloody hell before that she went gaga over Peter the German guy.

She knew Charlie was jealous and feeling insecure, she just didn't care.

I liked the parents helping others in need. That was sweet. It was gentle with comedy and conflicts thrown in.

Although I loved all the characters I wish they gave Monty more of a storyline. 

Maybe the kids were seen less and less because of child actor labour laws?

Apparently there's a spin off but I doubt any of the original cast is in it..

I highly recommend it, a fun watch.

Oh goodness. I ran the hot tap to mop the floors and there was no hot water.

Soo strange because yesterday or the other day accidentally left it on all day.

I put it back on and the kitchen tap is really stiff. Cripes that hurt like hell trying to turn it and then have the strength to switch it off without getting scalded.

I am beat. I intended to do the bathroom too but gosh I'm knackered.

Good job the boiler guy is coming tomorrow. The heating is fine, although low but running the water taps seem off.

Maybe he will say it's low pressure again?

I'm gonna wake up early tomorrow and do the rest. I'll leave the boiler on for another 30 minutes and then take it off.

Ok the cleaning is done. My hands and body are stiff and tired and it's 10amish now.

Supposedly they get here before 1pm and I'm supposed to get a text but I might not.

#BlogLife1148 - Anyone else sick of second guessing themselves..?

Today is freezing. I thought the heating was on but no, I didn't set it high enough to turn on.

Usually I get up without the contact lens and just guess. I mean it's pressed up a zillion times, surely that's enough..

The blankie is taking it's sweet time to warm up too. Sipping hot soup would be nice now, although, not really hungry or thirsty.

Oh crap got to do the Iceland order. Although Sainsbury's emailed and said they are doing 50p slots..

Nope didn't see any. Strange Iceland has finally gotten onboard with telling you an item is out of stock...

Unfortunately they don't tell you which item, which is useless to me.

Maybe when I checkout. Ugh I think it's the face wash, which I really need.

Ugh no they don't tell me. I am totally confused. The message disappeared.

Does this mean they've restocked? I don't even know which spare item to get??!!

Anyway back to the title...

I keep making decisions and backtracking wondering if this is the best thing for me to do or say?

I hate it because I'm usually not impulsive. I would have thought about it and weighed the options prior to acting on it..

So why does it still concern me whether it's right or not?

I'm not perfect or an expert on life. I'm always just struggling through it and trying to make the best of a bad situation.

I think about the short term and long term repercussions of it.

And still when it's done, I'll fret and think.. Hmm but was there a different way to do it?

A better way? Should I have spent more time evaluating all my options more carefully?

Was I too rash? Am I being foolish or irresponsible?

I wish I could just think... You know what? That was a good outcome. I'm glad I did it that way.

It worked out well and I'm pleased. If I had make that other move, it may not have turned out this great.

But I don't. I keep over analysing it.. Until it just comes to a head and then I resign myself to the ending.

Well I have progressed now and I was unsure but I did it anyway..

Who knows if that was the proper result? Would I do it differently next time?

I've no idea! I can just change my opinion in the moment. It might depend on external factors or how frazzled I am.

Sometimes I want it over and done with. I don't want to obsess about it any longer.

#BlogLife1147 - Things Randoms say to me....

1. I lied about my age because I knew you wouldn't talk to me otherwise...

Congrats you found a way to justify fabrications! (I've had this lie more than once)

2. If you go out and dress as though you're on your way to meet me... You'll feel better..

Yea as if that's magically going to solve chronic pain, PTSD and confidence issues...

3. If you socialise more, you won't be so weird..

Who has the money and inclination? Not me that's for sure.

4. You should be more trusting..

This is our first chat. I don't know you from Adam..... And yet you want me to trust you? Ha, you're funny I'll give you that!

5. I don't understand you..

Sometimes I use quirky words instead of the normal types. I literally just said to one..

Have you munched yet? His reply was... I don't get it..

Honestly, take a moment to think about it. Use your brain to comprehend what it might mean..

I literally responded with.. I thought that was English, it means have you eaten?

I have no compulsion about shaming now. I'm not speaking Martian!!

(Oh yea, he didn't reply, which made me laugh).

6. You should seek therapy or do what I tell you, You need too.

Unlike you, making a snap judgement based on the lil I've divulged.

I don't tell people what to do, I might advise or give a bunch of suggestions, but ultimately it's their life and choice about what benefits them.

I am my own person and will decide what is in my own interests and therapy is not it!

7. Tell me about your character?

Why?! You only get to know someone through time. I can say anything, is it true or is it false? How would you tell?

Then he said.... Let me put it another way... What would your friends say about you?

I'm not an idiot. I understood the question!! I just think it's a pointless one to answer and I don't feel like selling myself.

Get to know me slowly and take me as I am. I don't feel the need to impress you!!

8. What should I do?

I've repeatedly given you advice, suggested things and yet you keep ignoring it and treating me like I have all the answers in the world.

Why don't you try and help yourself, Googly it or ask someone else, as my patience has run out.

I have no issue, assisting, if someone listens, but the minute you don't....

Forget it. It's different If the information I share isn't helpful that's separate.

Fair enough but if you're not going through steps to fix it yourself....

Why should I bother? I can't wave a magic wand and say Ta-da... You don't have to lift a finger...

SS to the rescue, poor baby!