#BlogLife1071 - Double toastie sandwich within a sandwich/ Bullying has ended omg...

Looking at the post, makes me stressied and it's giving me chest pains.

I thought as it's 11amish I would fix brekkie. I was trying to work out, how to get everything into the cheese toastie without it melting or being undercooked..

I took out 2x strips of the turkey rashers, did them for about 6 minutes separately in the oven.

I put the bread and cheese on the panini press and grilled them for 3x minutes I think and I looked at them thinking, I want more than a cheese filling..

So when they were done... I had a clever thought... I put the rashers on top of one side, put the egg mayonnaise on the other side and folded it back to back..

It's really tasty but I'm struggling. I didn't really feel like the cucumbers, I have a feeling I'll end up just having it with the salsa...

Mind you cheese and cucumbers go together nicely, I didn't really think of that..

I will just say the turkey took over everything, I couldn't taste much of the cheese or egg, maybe next time, I'll just put one?

I don't think I'll eat for hours.

I'm slowly going through the mail, it is weird. I'm leaving the brown envelopes for last..

One said, we've tried contacting you to be an investor.... What?? When did I win the lottery?

Nobody told me, good grief, trash, how did they get my details?

The other said we are doing a crime survey in person, let us in to your property......

No way. I actually would have been tempted if it was a phone or online one..

I could have reported the anti social behaviour, postal thefts, attempted break ins..

But I don't want strangers in my home, too unnerving. I don't care if they are the police or akin to that..

Another spam something about a refund on a car, what...? I don't even have a driving licence...

Ok and now to the DWP one... My heart is beating but at least the chest pains have stopped.

My next UC appointment is in a week and a half, I'll post it then.

If I can never have a relaxing time anymore, at least let it be doable, whatever cutthroat instructions she is demanding of me..

Oh my goodness I cannot believe it, after being hounded for what was it? 1 year and a half or 2 years...?

20x months, so yea, it's nearly 2 years.

They have finally made a decision about how much I owe them,

I need to call them and arrangement a repayment schedule thingy.

It really is not as bad as I thought, I mean, yikes, but the amount plus a £50 fine for carelessness about the claim..

But here it is altogether the amount I will repay them is this.. from 10/2/22 to the 2/7/24 is.....

£3041.48...

My brain wondered if it would be £10k or something or more.

Just over £3k. It will take some time. Ok let me call them and set up the repayment schedule.

Unfortunately I can't pay it all back at once. I don't have it.

£200 in paypal and maybe £600 in the bank after the council tax is paid.

Did they actually become human and realise, all that time, I was paying towards the rent, when I should not have been?

Or was it everything I had told them straight about the home abuse and the hospital stay??

Or being long term ill?

Well after all that, they cut me off from being on hold. Pfft if you don't call them in the mornings, you've got no chance.

Tomorrow I will try them again. Omg, it's over. No more witchy phone calls...

No more mocking me. Telling me to go to the bloody library, print out pages and pages, while my legs collapse and my body can barely move..

I can't wait to tell Mama, honestly.... I really hope it's no more £50 a week..

There is something else, which I haven't done, which I could do, which I probably won't....

So because I've had savings, they deducted about £30ish from my entitlement, I could share that isn't the case anymore..

Maybe I will eventually... or Maybe not. I don't really feel like asking them for anything, when I owe them...

Doesn't seem appropriate... But heavens do I feel lighter. I know it's a big debt, the first real one of my life..

The jail thing is still ambiguous... But my worst case scenario didn't come true...

It wasn't over £10k.

I mean she was gunning for me, non stop disrespecting me, squeezing the life out of me. Making me out to be a party girl socialite, spending endlessly..

Pfft yea right... The statements tell it all, bills and food..

I am in shock. I know I'll truly feel better when it's paid off. But this has been hanging over me for so long.

I was so depressed, so drained, questioning whether life was worth living anymore?

I'm still worried about the future expenses...... But strangely it seems almost manageable.

I can't believe one ill mannered bully is finally gone.. She took so much delight in torturing me for over a year..

Oh I'm going to close your Paypal......... No you can't just email it to me as a file......

Oh you want an extension....... (Condescending tone).

Oh answer these questions............ Answer the same questions.....     And then more, that I already know but I want to see you suffer!!!

Send me this, send it again, send it again. I don't care if you're ill or the buses aren't working....

I almost collapsed so many times..........

You have until this deadline...... Or you face prosecution...

On and on and always with this rude tone, that I had to be polite too........ 

Just like at home, don't argue, don't talk back or face being hit......

When am I allowed to fight for myself?

For fear that she would spitefully send me to jail or bump up the fine or both...... And she knew it and loved every second of it.

The only saving grace was that I got to tell my reality. Growing up in fear, supporting myself...

What a bully!!!!! You know funnily enough, if she didn't enjoy being so nasty for 20 months...

She could have had the whole damn thing in one go..... All £3k in one beautiful payment....

But now it will be slowly for however long it takes..

I'm not ready to stop writing, I don't know why... I'm not ready to let go of the anger.

One sibling bully reporting me to another government bully and me being vulnerable, helpless and slowly just driven out of my sanity...... 

All over again.

I really really hate not having an expression. No power..... No strength and no way to shield myself...

Defenceless. I may need some time to recover..

#BlogLife069 - Too chicken to talk?

I had a strong strong feeling something was up... I knew my instincts were correct.

The problem with projecting that you're cocky, is that eventually someone will come around and challenge you..

So L/J went so so quiet, when I brought up the voice chat, I gave discord as an option..

But he was panicking. I can tell, he wasn't talking and he's chatty, maybe more so than me.

I eventually, got tired of the games. All he had to say was that, he wasn't comfortable or he had changed his mind..

But the fact he wasn't saying anything, really put me off him. I mean coming across as some confident and self assured guy and 1 chat, makes you a complete mess?

Oh purlease. So I said calmly, if you don't want a voice chat, that's fine, I'll move on to someone else.

Then he started this whole bs conversation... What do I really want? Oh that's a shame, Oh don't threaten me, let's not fall out..

You won't find it easy to find someone like me.... Ha so I said randoms are easily replaceable and not to message me again.

I wanted to add, good luck replacing me, but I didn't. I thought I would try to be humble for once, ha.

But I'm just being honest and expressing my needs. A mixture of online chat and a voice chat is something I will eventually do.

It doesn't have to mean swapping numbers, discord has a call feature and you tap it and it uses your wifi I think, simple.

Now the real reason I eventually like to have a live chat, is because, it is so much harder to hide your personality.

You have to think on your feet and make the conversation flow and a lot of men can't do that.

He should have just said, I don't do calls, I'm more a texter and that would have raised concerns too.

But he was making out like a call was simple and he was willing.

What did he think I would forget about it? Too funny.

Sorry but chickens don't appeal to me. I like truly confident men.

I will bet money, that the next time he is on, he will message me like normal and pretend everything is fine.

To which I will ignore him. Ugh my nails keep chipping and now they are really short.

I just booked the Iceland order for tomorrow. There's this jelly and custard thingy, without the trifle cream or cake, looked fun.

Plus the mayonnaise is nearly done and I wanted some sort of flavourful dip to hold the sandwiches together..

I settled on Old El Paso mild salsa dip, it was between that and the guacamole.

But avocado dips rarely taste like avocado, so it's off-putting. I looked at the salsa ingredients, onion, garlic, green peppers, lemon, paprika and oregano..

Which all sounds great, what a blend. Actually aside from hummus or the garlic and onion..

I would have got tzatziki, which is garlic, lemon, cucumber, dil and olive oil but I would bypass that.

I'll let you know what I think of the salsa, if it's in stock, if not I'm screwed..

#BlogLife1068 - What are you trying to see?

A very noisy morning is happening. Ahh, have they finally stopped banging?

That's all I've heard for 2 hours, thud thud thud.. Luckily I was already awake, gently stirring.

Ugh my lens are all blurry because they were stinging and my eyes were watering so now it's hard to see.

I don't want to take them out, maybe eye drops will fix it? Actually that did help.

The carrot drops, or at least that is what I am calling them, are quite refreshing.

It's the first ever time, I've had scented drops, so unusual but whatever is reasonable gets my vote.

But it seems like too much of a luxury item, not strictly essential but really useful.

Anyway a thought just occurred to me, for the most part 7 Cups, doesn't have many confrontational people.

I mean yes some are straight talkers and I don't mind that, others are Yes people that will blatantly agree with you and the next person with a differing opinion...

I have to roll my eyes at that. Anyway at least I can at times, speak my mind and not argue but say, well my perspective is different..

And I'm not saying I'm right, this is how I see it, is all. I'm thinking for the weekend and next week, toasties and burgers will be the theme.

Eggs, turkey rashers, cod, beef and cheese. I'll just vary it, each day.

The weather can still be on the cold side and I'm not sure, if I should get some onion bhajis and plonk it somewhere, to be extravagant?

I prefer pakoras but Iceland doesn't sell them. I was thinking of getting the roast beef slices but it's only in a 3x pack and I need more than that.

You know what would be weird? To really vary the taste and add something like pasta or rice...

I don't want to get bored having the same thing, maybe the salad will make it tasty enough, providing I can budget it in..

I'm trying to factor in the special offers. I give up, my eyes are foggy again, I took them out and now they are watering.

A tip I would recommend is closing your eyes and with your fingertips rubbing on the drops that way.

Sometimes it helps and doesn't make your eyes even more watery.

I feel like it's the humidity in the air, it's still cold but warm at the same time.

And it's giving me a headache. Finally my eyes have settled so I can see the page in front of me, much clearer.

The newish random L, real name J (ugh really)? I think we've been talking for a few weeks it seems and ha, we just swapped names.

Yesterday we were talking about a call, either over discord or on the phone but it was late so he recorded a message and sent it and it was pleasant, a slight accent..

Don't ask me which, I'm bad at that, maybe Northern? I've no idea.

Phone calls help to discover their essence, what they are really like, I told him I've no wish for meets, which makes me wonder if he's really single.

Paranoid me actually thought he was one of the blocked guys, but his voice is different, so that's reassuring.

Oh forgot to confess, downloaded this messenger app thingy for a random RL..

It's called Sessions, quite buggy, doesn't always notify of new messages, can't connect calls..

If you try to download it on your phone, it asks you to scan a code or insert a recovery password, which you were never given sooo...... I don't recommend it.

Use Whatsapp if you must, I think that was the smoothest one I've ever used, but it's up to you.

Oh and discord for the most part for voice calls, gets my vote too.

You just pick a username and I totally forgot because I have a Chromebook laptop I can install on the computer.

I only did it for a voice chat, which didn't even work. He heard me and I didn't hear him, which was strange to me.

He kept blaming my settings.. Anyway, the hilarious thing, was that he ghosted me lol.

Three days and nothing so uninstalled it. I can't be bothered with timewasters.

Confessions over, that's it for today :)

#BlogLife1067 - Will being broke put an end to the bullying?

Well I finally got around to the Scratchcards, no wins but a bit of excitement nonetheless.

Iceland have started doing mini vegetables so that's easier than chopping, I can keep them whole, baby cucumbers and celery sticks which is cool, just needs a dip..

I'm thinking the onion and garlic one or hummus. I'm craving an all round burger sauce, but I get tired of them so quickly, I feel like I'll waste it...

I would actually love to have more salads but I need foods that will last and salads are just too moreish...

I mean my perfect one would be, red cabbage, olives, cucumbers, green peppers but I'll see, it always depends if I need a lot of householdy items because that's the most expensive necessary thing.

Maybe one week, I'll get cucumbers and the next celery? The caesar dressing used to be wonderful..

But now it's cheesy and vinegary and yucky... I preferred it when it was like herby mayonnaise or salad cream..

Aww they have stopped doing the onion and garlic dip, that was so yummy. Maybe it's just temporarily out of stock?

Well just checked and nearly all of the savings are gone, the last few hundred is left.

So my plan is, I will keep that untouched, no more ordering food because the landlord keeps robbing me and demanding excess money.

UC is barely covering my expenses. You're probably wondering why I spent nearly all of it?

Frankly, it's my money, I contributed to my rent/expenses and the bs landlord arrears and if I have to pay back the debt so be it.

But instead of DWP thinking, I have all the money in the world, I want to show them, I'm just about surviving.

I have no social life. The money goes on bills and food, contact lens, beauty and the occasional footwear or clothes, that's it.

From tomorrow I'll just pop a ready meal in the microwave and will just have to stand and endure the pain and exhaustion of being on my feet.

There is no other choice now. If Mama decides to help out, so be it but I will not ask.

For now on, no more pakoras, no more popping in to my favourite store.

I've had £10 in my purse for ages, not wanting to use it up. Forget eyebrow shapes or clothes or pedicures.

Or buying a mud mask or a body butter, these are all unaffordable luxuries.

It was nice while it lasted. Not worrying about money, realising no-one would ever treat me, just myself.

That if an emergency repair or purchase popped up, I could handle it outright.

Splurging on takeout when I was injured and couldn't move much, to avoid, further strains.

Buying a new outfit, looking at the size and smiling because it was lower than the last time and I looked trimmer

Hmm well the morning started roughly, I did get chunks of sleep, which was good but I felt like I was going to vomit, dry retching ick..

But binaurals, helped calm me and it passed eventually. I was running on time, actually early.

So I window shopped, all the things, I can't buy but my body isn't as bad as usual.

Lots and lots of lovely beauty stuff, cleansers, creams... I still didn't see a mask..

Although for some reason, I have painful back twinges, so I'm playing muscle relaxing binaural videos.

Anyway I wasn't tempted to get food or anything else. I'm practical, only what is necessary..

The UC appointment was smooth, when I said I can't do stairs, the receptionist gave me such a disgusted look...

But I don't give a... Prejudice nitwits!

The advisor was someone else and he was friendly so that helped.

Plus I looked adorable today.  A red satiny flowy top, that no longer seems tight, nice and loose..

And blue trousers. Followed by pinky purply makeup. It seemed cold but it was nice and warm today, so just right.

I tried on that new red top, I want to stretch it. I could get away with it, I'm scared it will ride up.

It even fit well with a tshirt underneath. Ok, no more stalling, me and my bad back need to get food..

#BlogLife1066 - Mindless trash tv :)

I think I forgot to mention I saw Iceland had these new peppered beef koftas so I bought the fancy bread wrap type thing to put it in, that should be nice.

For today though, I have chicken meatballs, cheese and croissants.

What do we call it? Cheesy chickssants? Ha, one day I'll get it right :)

It wasn't peppery the beef but I did enjoy it, more seasoning would have helped.

It's quite small, so two at a time did the trick and with the mayonnaise and cheese, it was really nice and fulling.

I've finished The Family Business, parts of it was dull, others were entertaining..

I don't know if it's renewed or ended. I've just started on something else.

It seems like it's already been cancelled, I'd have to verify on Googly.

Seems cute, it's called Seeking Persephone. It's about a struggling family, a Papa and his daughters..

And out of the blue the eldest gets a marriage proposal from a Duke, they've never met, aren't aware of each other..

But he's so wealthy he's basically offering to pay all their dowries, which is a payment, they offer when they get engaged I think...

Anyway, the groom is quite judgemental and rude. The bride is quite sweet and of course, missing her family.

The really sad gut wrenching thing, is the sisters are neglected by their Papa and don't have anyone talking to them, checking up, caring for them..

There's another woman but I don't know, if she's a sister, a friend, a neighbour or what because, couldn't the youngsters, talk to her??

I ended up finishing it last night, it was only 4 parts but I really liked it.

Sweet and funny and now I have to find something else to get lost in..

I've found something that reminds me of Charmed, I'm not into the witchy stuff, but I like watching relationships break, grow, form, that kinda stuff.

It's called Witches of East End, I'm only on the first episode but my brain already raced ahead and imagined the plot..

In Charmed, Prue dated a cop and I was gutted when he left, in this I've already forgotten her name, is also dating a cop..

In Charmed there was a cat, this also has a cat.

In Charmed it was eventually part set in a bar, guess what? This is too lol.

Basically the plot is two lots of sisters are witches. The Mama and Aunt are aware of their status, the daughters are not.

They seem to be in their twenties, I doubt they are supposed to be teens, but I could be wrong..

One is engaged but she is flighty and is kinda magically drawn to the brother of her intended....

Playing with fire there then.. The other is single but reacquainted with her childhood crush, so newly dating him.

They've just found out they have powers and cue the enemies rolling in..

I guess today will be a day where the blankie is acting up, the weather has turned rainy, which I like but later on it's sunny.

I just got my groceries, everything was there. I was going to try this rice salad, but it wasn't in stock.

Oh the other thing I did because I can't stand it anymore. I ended up buying the Simple face wash, so I can use my face brush again.

Actually touching my face, it doesn't seem to to dry but I miss using it.

The Aquarice wash is just so lumpy and unsuitable. I guess it cleansed my skin, I would not get it again.

It was different. I don't think I'm a fan of Simple, but at least it's smooth and goes on nicely on the brush.

I have a feeling I need deeper cleanses, so I will use them both together.

It's the only one Iceland stocks. I did see they have a moisturiser, so I might get that too.

I'm just trying to budget.

#BlogLife1065 - Why don't I trust I'm enough, instead of self sabotageynessness?

What 7 Cups has taught me is that I need that intellectual stimulation, I can't just have meaningless chats all the time with the randoms..

Yet sometimes, it's actually my own fault, sometimes..... I... Yes moi is guilty of making the chat flirty, or silly, instead of deep and meaningful..

Do I think I won't be liked for having a brain and talking about something important?

Do I think I won't be able to match wits? (No that can't be it, I'm hilarious).

Maybe I'm afraid I won't be seen as articulate or clever? That I'll stumble over words and struggle to get my point across?

I'm not sure why I do it. I usually blame hormones. They get the better of me.

Well just like that, last night one of the randoms, gave me exactly what I wanted a deep and meaningful....

Only he couldn't sustain it, or maybe I couldn't? I'm not sure I've ever talked to someone who has a really similar background as mine, in regards to traumatic childhoods..

So we sorta bonded over that but then that arrogance popped up.....

I know better than you... Take my advice, do what I say... And ickkk really???

I know my own mind. I know what's best. He was saying therapy was very beneficial on getting him back on track so I said Good for you, glad it worked, but it's not for me.

I don't trust anyone to open up to them so I've been my own therapist..

And he said You should go into therapy because I don't think you have the tools to do it yourself...

I have to laugh because no, I'm not an expert and don't claim to be..

But I do know myself, I have studied both psychology and counselling before, I didn't mention this.

A mature person would say, Have you thought about seeking a therapist?

Does being in therapy teach you to be a know-all? If so, ha, keep it :)

So that didn't really bother me because a lot of people, think what works for them, works for everyone and it's not the case.

We are all unique and different so we each need separate methods, we have had varied lives so it makes sense, no one treatment fits us all.

Then he called me boring for not doing what he wanted and again, I have to laugh...

Younger men think they can goad you and remain unchallenged.

Older women will not fall for passive aggressive bullying manipulative behaviour, we recognise when we are being played..

So I said No and he went on the sulk, which an older man would accept my decision.

Probably apologise for asking and accept it and move on like any adult would.

The last thing, I really have a feeling he was projecting onto me, from being in therapy.

Because I prefer being on my own, I hate people, which I do, from constantly being used and mistreated, why wouldn't I???

I don't however mind volunteering because those people are in the same boat as me, vulnerable, scared, confused, lost.

Those deserve my attention because I have been there and I understand it.

He said You must hate yourself then and I thought No, I don't so I disagreed with him and inside I reckon he hated himself or felt that way previously, and assumed I was the same.

The truth, between me and you is this..

I did not like myself. I did hate myself because there seemed to be nothing good about me, no beauty, no brains, no self worth..

As told to me by everyone, family, friends, men...

But over the years I worked on myself and came to see my highlights, humour, intelligence, compassion, empathy, listening skills..

I don't know if I'll ever feel lovable... I'll always feel broken inside but I do know I like myself, I love myself..

I'm adorable and there is a fiery passion inside me now. That wasn't there before or maybe it was laying dormant.. Waiting!

All in all a mixed conversation. A lot of preconceived notions and not perfect.

But it did make me think and that's always a good thing :)

Another of the randoms, asked to be unblocked and I thought hmm, ok, he's properly communicating.

He said my blocking him, was only due to a busy schedule and I must have been irritated with the few word answers/sentences he gave..

I thought ok J, (isn't it always a J), I will unblock you for now. I doubt I mentioned that, it wouldn't last, there's always a reason for a block..

Men never seemed to learn this lesson, they always assume, they can sweet talk you and then when they have you away from competitors, on messenger or discord or wherever..

Hey they can stop making the effort because....... Boom they think you're stuck with them ha!!

I always have choices, if one random doesn't cut it, I move on, easy.

Anyway, for a while he talked properly and that was fine..... Then he started again, with the 1 to 2 words and I thought nope nope nope...

You don't learn! Quality over quantity, not every chat has to be significant but it can't be nothing either...

I went ahead and blocked him, he confronted me on chat and asked Why?

I was trying to be diplomatic. I didn't want to say the truth, which was that I found him boring..

I said instead, I lost interest, with his 2/3 word comments..

He was livid! Which made me laugh. That is the final straw, I've made the effort, no more will I try. I'm done.

After that tantrum, I blocked him on chat too. I mean, did he expect me to object and fight for him?

What effort????

I'm a strong, opinionated woman. I need to be challenged!

#BlogLife1064 - Incommunicado

I'm sure the rotis were better fresh, it didn't soften in the microwave as I'd hoped.

Unfortunately I'm out of butter so I couldn't slather it. I couldn't be bothered to turn on the press, wait for it to heat, wait for the rotis to warm up, meh.

They went really nicely with the tikka pieces and the burger salsa, plus I added the mint raita and finished the last of the few pakoras I had so I couldn't even finish half the roti.

But at least now it's all cooked so I don't have to stand much. I'm still drained but at least there is no more appointments this week.

I also cooked some chicken frankfurters to add a bit more variety and so that I would be full.

I kinda forgot I was bloated and struggling to feel that hungry. Plus I have the cashews and crisps so there is stuff to tide me over until tomorrow.

I'm kinda relieved they don't have the 8amish slot available, the next one is 10am, so I don't have to wake up too early for the third time this week.

Wow ok, just got a call from Iceland, the van has broken down so instead of it being due now, it's going to be from 7pm-9pm ouch.

But at least they had the manners to call and at least unlike Tesco they didn't cancel, she actually asked me if that was ok for me, didn't just assume.

So it's unfortunate but I do have leftovers still so I won't go hungry and won't need to do takeout.

The cramps are so bad with every movement and it started off mild and now it's all day, ugh.

I'm not drinking enough, maybe that's why? Getting up just seems like so much effort and not pleasant to be on my feet.

Plus the drinks going warm and I can't always be bothered to grab the ice poles to stick them in and make them chilled for longer.

I skipped dinner, I'm just not feeling that hungry for big meals. I didn't have to get up early after all.

It's only 10amish, I'll probably eat at lunchtime. All this time I was craving rotis, finally got them and now not excited.

They don't really have any taste, I can't help comparing it to the one's at home or at relatives houses, where it was so delicious and moreish, it was probably my favourite thing to eat..

Sometimes I think I can be a vegetarian because today's roti wraps would have been so much better without meat..

I didn't want to waste it, so I had it but didn't enjoy it that much.

The best thing was dipping the plain roti into the burger salsa and mint raita.

In the end I mixed them together and it was a perfect blend.

Oh on Thursday finally heard from Mama, she emailed and asked me what gifts my GrandMama should get me, she offered...?

And I thought why? You don't really ask about me. You're not concerned about my life....

You forced me to be religious when I was against it, so you didn't accept me for who I was....

Why now? As usual I told her it's unnecessary but I was appreciative and if she insisted, the only thing that I need is slippers.

I wear them out frequently. Mama said she'll pick up Cheetos and Kisses so I only made a request to seek out the nut ones, because we've only ever had the plain ones..

That was it, no mention if she was having a good time, arrived safely, what she was upto..... 

So be it. I wished her well. Oh she let something else slip but I'm not really sure about it.

Way back before, she said it was a year and I didn't speak at School at all.

But today she said I didn't talk normally until Junior school, I think it was, so I'm wondering if at Primary and Nursery I wasn't communicating then either.......

Hmm, strange, I just switched my phone on from being charged and now it says between 3pmish and 4pmish I'll get my Iceland order..

Maybe another error? Or did they fix the van issue sooner than expected?

I'm glad the tracking isn't saying delivered anymore, as the time slot passed.

It always makes me think, they've forgotten about me. That was cool, he arrived at 3.30pm, was helpful but I kept switching bags and it was hard to open them.

I was trying to explain I'm trying to even them out and he shovelling the items in...

I'm not risking a strain! But it's done and sorry can't face dinner but I will snack on crisps, if that helps..

And I've been sipping water so that and the anti cramp video, means I don't feel as bad as before.

Ouch tried to shift and spoke to soon.

#BlogLife1063 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 25 - Citadel

I forgot to mention I was clearing out my handbag and found some scratchcards...

I don't know if Mama bought these for me or I did for her but usually it's around Christmas time..

I wonder if they are expired? I'm gonna scratchy.. Sod it, can't be bothered.

The other thing is, I think I've tried it before but Juice Burst the apple version was sickly sweet.

Until I added a lot of water to it, I didn't enjoy it. Why is so sweet now? It's not needed.

I may just stick to the orange version. 

I knew Citadel was back soon and checked and the whole season is ready, I wonder why they do that?

It's convenient to binge it. I'm confused about Nadia and Mason being married, I thought they were dating or about to be engaged and then the breakup happened..

I forgot that Bernard was still captured, somehow thought he was free..

I'm happy Mason and wifey are fighting, I'm rooting for Mason and Nadia, even though he's the mole and sorta abandoned his own child.

I'm already laughing, I didn't expect Nadia to go after Mason like that violently, I thought it would be a calmer discussion.

And his wifey just casually running off was so dumb, you got to be alive to see your kids, what's the point if you're a target?

I guess Nadia either didn't have anyone to look after her kid or didn't want to be separated from her anymore?

Ooh la la I mean I knew she couldn't kill him, the show would be over lol.

But the stay away from us or you're days are numbered, yikes..

Not that he seems to care about his other daughter, anyhow, I mean ouchy...

I wonder if Mason's Mama is lying about who really murdered his Papa....... Just to have an ally and turn him against Citadel..

Really Mason, you needed to see your child one last time suddenly?

Ha, more like your baby Mama....... I can't believe she told him to sacrifice his life, wow, she really hates him...

And he seems hypnotised by her ha.

Umm did he really shoot Nadia or is it more misdirection? Wow cold very cold Hutch..

Wait until you find out your partner is set to double cross you..

He does still love her and she does still love him. Funny that she doubts it was all a lie....

But then it's easier to hate someone if, it was never real. Harder to face it that it was real, it just didn't work out..

Oh my and Mason screwed them all over again. Exciting stuff. I am enjoying this season.

I'm so glad the site or my laptop glitched because I might have finished the whole season.

I'm on episode 5 or 6 and there are 7 I think altogether. That bickering back and forth is delicious to watch.

Makes me jealous that I can't do that.

Anyway, I will post this tomorrow and if the site is working, I'll finish it and conclude with my thoughts.

I do wonder why Paolo goaded Mason into shooting him, knowing he has a son to protect..

Dang........ Mason called Nadia's name out in his sleep and wifey heard, oof that is telling.

Pity Nadia isn't overhearing it, she can't argue with that, when someone's so deeply ingrained in you, you think about them even subconsciously..

Ouchhh Mason rejected Nadia again but then when his wifey asked her if she loved him, she said she wish she didn't.

I kinda think he's trying to be noble, married with kids and settled, more than his life with Nadia was..

He didn't say he loved her but he said it was cruel to be asked, which means he does but is trying to be diplomatic.

So instead of going with Nadia and knowing they are drawn to each other but things are not smooth, he choose the easy route with wifey, even it's off there as well..

Well that's a twist, wifey is the sleeper assassin. I think if she dies, that's the only way Mason would leave her for Nadia.

Kinda poetic justice, she slaughtered both of them and escaped, barely marked, Go wifey lol.

Apologies and declarations of love, interesting, he's not remembering his wedding to wifey Celeste, it's his supposed wedding to Nadia....

While he's semi conscious and bleeding out..

Wait wait wait. He's dead, he can't be dead?? There is one episode left.

I am going to be vex, if he's really dead. Why would they do this, build up a love story and kill off a main??

I'm gutted this is how it ended, Mason died by the hands of his wife, Nadia retires it seems...

What can the next season be with the two mains out? Ugh they ruined it for me.

I had to rewatch season 1 to get it all straight. Right so when Nadia disappears and Mason goes nuts trying to reach her but can't he did say..

He did say to his Mama, help me find my wife...... Which I didn't really pay attention too, I thought he was saying that to make it sound important, rather than, Hey lost my girlfriend..

Season 1 ended weirdly too, come to think of it. Nadia lied about the theft and supposedly destroyed it.

Plus was secretly pregnant and scared so left Mason, maybe she didn't think he would run off with her, which is nuts, he so would have.

Then in the meantime, Mason was the actual mole and betrayed everyone because Citadel murdered his Papa..

Plus he framed and erased his wifey Celeste's memories to protect Nadia and didn't tell Nadia lol.

So they both lied. It's still doesn't make sense, first Mason went to his estranged Mama, then to Bernard, they all found out where Nadia and his baby was....

Then realising this, that she rejected him, he doesn't even chase and confront her, he just leaves her be.....?

What??

And from the whole season, we saw the proposal, we never saw her answer.

All we saw was the breakup and the ring returned. He said I'm only myself with you and why are you so afraid to be seen..

She said I don't trust you, I'm capable of love but not with you..

So somehow they got married?? At some point? Isn't he a bigamist then?

This is an expensive production, they could have killed off Celeste and had Mason and Nadia retire together with all the kids..

But they tore them apart and made it final. Was their tension on the set?

Did some not like working together? Was is the deal....?

#BlogLife1062 - Peace at last?

Hopefully by today, they have come and gone. Well it's just gone past 10am, so three hours left to wait.

Time goes slowly when you want something over and done with so you can relax the rest of the week.

I don't even feel hungry, considering I've been up for hours. I did have some pakoras yesterday and it had that pakora taste, yum.

Unlike the last time with an onion bhaji taste, which is not what you expect.

I forgot to dip it but later on, if my appetite ever arrives.

Ah so I remembered that the landlord said that they were doing emergency alarm tests and that's who knocked, an electrician, to say they are changing the smoke alarms and fitting in some contraption.

So I'm not sure about the other appointment. It's 10.30ish and he seems pleasant enough but I left him to it.

I'm glad it's happening on the same day or is this the sole appointment?

It's very confusing. I guess I'll see when 1pm rolls around, if anyone else shows up?

I can't stop yawning and every door slam and noise makes me jump.

The funny thing with the alarm appointment was that they didn't mention needing access to our homes so I felt really weird letting him in......

Hmm, bless that took about 40 minutes and he swept up after the drilling.

Plus he knocked and waited, didn't burst in! What a relief. That took a while.

I think he checked in after he was done because I wasn't expecting it to last that long.

But at least he was friendly, that helps. I don't feel hungry it's just 11amish.

Maybe I'll wait until lunchtime. I'm so confused and none of them offer ID ffs!

It was pretty funny, luckily I had finished the post because the electricity went.

No wifi, the blankie turned off, brrr, freezing and I want to turn on the heating but what if the other one shows up....

At least I had tons of mobile data so that wasn't a problem, I just couldn't use the laptop.

Hmm definite dodginess. I'm supposedly in rent arrears? How how how?

I've not missed payments and the double talk?? I honestly do wonder if the operatives are skimming off the top.

I asked her directly what do I owe? Suddenly it's Ohhhh pay the usual, to cover your arrears of £170 or £40...

There's so much inconsistency.... And then she's like, Ohh next time you'll be in credit...

I don't trust any of them! I don't really know what the hell to tell UC now....

If it's arrears based, that's my issue apparently and not theirs but what if it's lies?

How would I prove it and still have a roof over my head?? I'm not trying to be homeless.

I want to change but I have an hour and 20 minutes left.

It's always so weird when they only have an appointment in my place and not the neighbours...

I don't know if he removed the smoke alarms in lieu of the box, that goes direct to the landlord and maybe the fire department or changed them??

Oops forgot to do the thing I normally do, which is play foodie videos to get me in the hunger mood.

Six minutes and then I guess it will be time to relax because 1pm has passed and there's no text or call..

I'm trying to think back on the call, she mentioned the boiler and then backtracked and said it's nothing to do with that...

Even though supposedly it needs a repair and that was ordered..

Then she mentioned sensors and I'm wondering if that's the electrical fire safety box thingy?

Ok it's past 1pm now. Ugh. Well at 6pmish maybe there was a buzz at the door but it was the stupid neighbours so I ignored that.

Oh yea I better do an Iceland order for tomorrow and even though I ate the salad that was supposed to go with the rotis, it will still be good.

I wonder if I should heat it on the panini press or the microwave?

#BlogLife1061 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 24 - The Family Business

Two things, I haven't heard anything from Mama, she could have emailed to say she arrived safely.. Pfft whatever.

Crap how have I already forgotten the other thing? Oh yea, I  found another show to binge.

It's from 2018 and it's called The Family Business, again it reminds me of another show but I can't think of it.

I love Ernie Hudson, I think usually he's playing the good guy, not so much in this..

Roughly it's about a gangstery, criminal family and I suppose, each member are trying to find their place in it?

I'm mainly interested in the female characters, I want them to find love and happiness and all that mushy stuff..

(By the way, eating is a massive chore when you're not hungry).

I'm only still eating the fries slowly because one, it's settled my tum and two, they'll get stale quickly.

My preference is the pakoras but later..

Anyway back to the show, Ernie plays the head, the Papa, Mr intimidating criminal, smuggling drugs or guns, I forget already because that doesn't interest me ha.

He seems to have a good marriage, which is unusual, I thought he'd be a cheater.

I think he's more impressed with the sons, even though they make mistakes, rather than the daughters, typical crap..

The youngest one is tough but crazy lol. I don't really understand the mentality of having her followed and dragged back home, when she's dating and more..

But the sons/acquaintances can hire escorts, sleep around, cheat/beat on their wives and noone bats an eye???

So she's the one that interests me the most and her sister is judgy too but she just had an affair lol.

Hilarious stuff and then the family friend is secretly a mole lol.

Whenever a new romantic love interest comes along, I always hope it's genuine, but it's typically not lol.

I'm gutted my favourite was either fired or left, it just seemed like a blah ending, no real fanfare considering she was a main character..

It's not as interesting now but I wonder if she will return with an update?

It's 8.30am and they are due anytime, which is nerve wracking. I was up at 6/7am and probably slept around 1/2am..

I didn't mop and should have but the pmt, lack of proper sleep and hand/back pain is all climbing so I don't have it in me.

I've opened the windows and took out the bins, tidied but I still feel guilty for not doing more.

The worst thing was I should have been playing the hand pain binaurals but it slipped my mind, it might have been cured by now.

Who knows if they will even show up this time? I'm charging my phone but kept it on.

I don't know if they will text or call to say I'm next or they are on their way...

Or maybe, I'll be stood up again? Oh and I need to call and pay my rent and ask the exact amount due and report it to UC..

But it's too early and I forgot yesterday. I don't know if I should put the blankie on for the pain.

It's not cold or warm.. Oh and I tried those hazelnut cookies.. Um it's the right amount of sweetness.

Just like a nutella spread inside, I prefer it crunchier, not soft so I stuck it in the fridge.

I don't think I would buy it again but it was interesting to sample for something new and different.

Back to the show as I've nearly finished it, so many skeletons. Junior is not their son, well his Aunt Donna is his Mama and his Papa is his Papa....

Then there is a third triplet, not twins? Good grief.

Then the aftermath of Junior being told this makes him snap and turn on everyone that lied to him.

I get him being mad at the family, but mad at his wifey Sonya? That confuses me, she's always been a total sweetheart.

So him being nasty to her and cheating, is so strange. Disrespect, unfaithfulness is my dealbreaker..

Anyway Paris did eventually come back in season 4 I think. I'm glad, I liked her, even though she was a hothead.

I wondered how it would unfold, she found out Niles was a hitman, she's a killer too..

Turns out, that wasn't a dealbreaker, I forgot she lied about her name and his next victim, was her Papa....

She could have so easily told him, you can't accept this job, but she went rogue and bombed his hotel.....

Only he didn't die lol and he decided to haunt her, sending her beautiful blue roses..

Their reunion was fun but sad, he was going to propose, aww..

He said, You could have just told me and I wouldn't have done it and by the way, I still love you....

And then after he left, she confessed she still loves him too.... Seems like her first real heartbreak..

#BlogLife1060 - Not the person I used to be..

It seems kinda insane to me how much I used to do in a breeze and not think about it, just get on and now the simplest things, halt me.

I finally got around to changing the bed and washing the duvet and pillow cases and I thought yep no problem I can mop too..

Who am I kidding? I can barely walk around, my legs feel very collapsey..

So that's my taxing limit, tomorrow will be the mopping. It's just seems so easy, so routine but my body is like nope nope nope. I don't even like you did two things....

I'm calling a strike for today. I still haven't done the floors and not sure I will.

I just started my monthly, ugh was hoping I was going to skip, so that explains the bloating and cramping and nausea and tiredness.

I hope I have the energy to pick up the pakoras and some snacks because I'm mostly out of goodies.

I wonder if the buses are stopping normally yet and then I can hop off and hit Tesco which is a lot easier.

I didn't do any UC stuff today, it's a Bank Holiday and I'm cramping so sod it.

I got back not long ago. The UC appointment was fine apart from being kept waiting and asked for a list of stuff I've applied for.....

You lazy sod!! It's all in the journal. Are you blind, just look it up, ffs.

I may be the teensiest bit aggravated because of the tiredness, sleepiness, pain...

I'm still not mopping because my hand is on the verge of a sprain, it's painful so I'm not risking making it worse.

It's clean but not spotless, I still might do it tomorrow morning, who knows.

But right now, my back is hurting, no seats coming and going on the bus so I'm quite lifeless.

And because the buses aren't stopping inside, I forgot there's not usually a free bench to sit at.

I'm not sure why there is a Police van outside. I just walked past casually...

I really want to sleep but it's bothering me. the UC crap is still left to do..

As I was early and the pain hadn't jumped in yet, I actually browsed the Market, highly unusual for me..

It's too taxing but even though the dizziness was there, legs were wobbly, I did it anyway.

And I'm paying for it now. But it was a nice day and I forgot about the top with the inbuilt jacket, it's light but warm, smart but cute and a lot slimmer, than most of my baggy clothes.

Wearing that was nice because I feel yuck and bloated and my hair is sticking in all directions..

I am a lot less than I was, figure wise. There was no checking me out but I'm glad, I wanted to blend into the crowd.

There's a poundy type shop Sam something I had never been in, discounted things, mainly snacks and household.

I didn't really see a moisturiser or face mask but by that time, my legs wanted to sit and rest.

There is also a new beauty place that might do brows, I didn't bother to go in, next time.

I did get the pakoras but there wasn't much left, maybe half a bag so I got all of it, forgot to ask about the dips..

It was £3.50 so not bad.. I went to my favourite shop and didn't get the cupcakes but some hazelnut cookies.

I might post a picture on Twitter if I ever feel I can move again..

I ordered some rotis and salad because I forgot I had chicken tikka bits in the freezer and mayo which will make a nice wrap.

It actually looks fresh, big and wholemeal, yum, that's tomorrow or the next day when I can stand to be on my feet..

I'm quite enjoying no fizzies, getting fruit juice, especially orange is a natural booster.

I don't really have an appetite to be honest but I'm munching because it's lunchtime and I need fuel.

#BlogLife1059 - Things insomniacs wish you knew..

Well as usual I thought I was going to have a writing break over the long weekend but my brain was whispering to me, even though I was drifting in and out of sleep..

I'm going to try and recall it all. First of all with the Things series, or whatever I write, I'm not speaking for everyone, just my own experiences.

It's not right or wrong textbook, this is what I've lived/live through.

The other thought I wanted to mention was that at school, I took it upon myself to boost egos.

I'm not sure why I did that, was I expecting someone to boost mine or did I genuinely want to make someone feel good?

I still don't know and I cringe thinking how aggressive I was about it and knowing that I felt completely inadequate and lost and not many cared..

It's not surprising, it probably came off as disingenuous and not helpful, but I was young and naive and thought I was being nice.

I'm bringing this up now because my mindset has shifted. When I'm helping out during the volunteering, I don't feel like I'm sacrificing my spirit, in order to support other people.

I feel more wholesome about myself, that when I feel stressed or overwhelmed, I'll step back and shut myself away and deal with it, instead of repressing my needs.

So I am maturing which is nice and it shows me, that I've neglected myself for so long, it still feels selfish but each time I do it..

I focus on how my insides feel, which is really relaxed and calmer.

Back to the main topic....

1. People keep foisting their opinions on their perception of what condition I have and what I should do but unless you have it, you can't expertly claim to be right.....

2. Just because I am a self diagnosed lifelong insomniac, it doesn't mean I never sleep.

I'm not up 24 hours a day. What it means is, I have always struggled to fall asleep, stay asleep and sleep for long periods of time.

3. It's not simply a matter of going to bed early, or even getting up early.

That has no difference. If my body or mind doesn't want to sleep, even though my body is lifeless and my brain is empty...

It just won't. There have been times when I have zero sleep and it's horrible.

It has various causes, sometimes it's stress, sometimes I'm having really vivid nightmares and I don't want to go back to sleep.

Sometimes the pain is so bad, I can't get comfortable and I'd like to weep my heart out but there are no tears.

Other times, I don't know, I just can't sleep and I have to accept it.

4. What do I do during these times? Do I get up? Do I try to tire myself out? Do I get a drink? Or a snack?

Around my teenage years, I used to go for walks and that actually did work, I came back zonked out and drifted off.

But of course it wasn't safe.

Nowadays, I'm too exhausted to do anything, so I just usually lay there, trying to sleep, or sometimes, I'll switch from asmr to music..

Or I'll let my mind wander or maybe I'll game or watch a tv show on the phone.

Mostly though I don't want to do anything but let my body recuperate from being active and almost strained.

5. I'm trying to adopt a sleep philosophy where I don't get up straight away. I stay laying down, where I may or may not fall back asleep.

6. What are my tips? It's better to go to sleep when you're thoroughly exhausted, it makes it easier, than faking you're tired.

Asmr works at least to relax me and get me in the switched off state, which may or may not lead to sleep.

There was also a sleep hypnosis app I installed and her voice was like butter, it used to knock me out.

#BlogLife1058 - Things you don't realise when someone isn't as healthy as you..

Although the eye drops are doing a good job of lubricating my eyes, I've noticed I'm getting a steady increase of headaches.

Actually today I feel fine now, yesterday it was thumping. As per usual, I wasn't sure what to talk about until I went on 7 Cups and a topic idea sparked interest for me.

I don't comment on the precise diagnostic threads, I'm too private for that but as long as it's not too personal, I might share.

Ugh unfortunately G didn't deliver the groceries and this nitwit, stood there, while I was slowly struggling painfully to unpack the shopping from the crates into my bags....

While he remained watching, eventually, he offered to help, to which I accepted.

But that's what your butt should have offered to do in the first place, not to hurry me along, but to be accommodating!

Anway it was all there, I think, hang on, let me double check. It was only the Pukka pies that were out of stock.

Speaking of which, they have new flavours, a balti chicken and a vindaloo.

I'm not keen on super peppery, but what if it's just got more flavour to it?

Back to the Things series...

1. If it's a mobility issue, then stop racing us, I need to walk slowly, with small steps.

The highlight of going out alone was being able to go at my own pace without the constant guilt trips....

Oh you're walking sooo slowly..... Good job we're not in a hurry..

2. For some reason, sometimes I can't walk in a straight line, so if you're behind me, good luck to you.

My legs kinda jerk or get wobbly and switch paths like I'm drunk, it's just what they do. I'll apologise but it's my body..

3. I don't feel physically capable of going to multiple places, if you want to do that, go ahead, I just won't join you.

I don't want to trek too far, staying local is limited but it's also all I can manage.

I used to wince, exhaust myself and try and forget how much pain I was in, just to accommodate you and your needs.

Those days are long gone! The fact that you're asking me too, shows how self centred and thoughtless you are.

4. Again just because I can do something but it's still very taxing for me, it doesn't mean you should push me into doing it.

I know the ill effects of exerting my body too far, limited functionality, risks of strain etc..

5. Illness doesn't care about your age. People assume you bounce back quicker because you're young but it wasn't like that for me.

My body used to burn and beg me to rest and I still ignored it because people were pressuring me to be active.

Sorry my brain is scattered so decided to eat, veggy spring rolls, good but need a dip.

The Namdong noodle pots were buy 2 get 1 free. I got 2x chicken, decided to risk, a beef.

Holy moly it's delicious. I'm glad I put lots of water. I only microwaved it for 6 minutes and water hadn't evaporated.

But by the time I left it to cool, it did and it's just right, soft, more chow mein style, not thin noodles, which I prefer.

There was a spice packet, which I binned, incase it was too salty or too spicy and ruined it.

But it's just a nice beef flavour, seasonings and herbs and goodness.

I'm only struggling to eat it, as I'm full. Oh the further you get down, there's a tiny bit more saltiness and spice.

When I say goodness, not healthy, just really enjoyable to munch :)