#BlogLife1058 - Things you don't realise when someone isn't as healthy as you..

Although the eye drops are doing a good job of lubricating my eyes, I've noticed I'm getting a steady increase of headaches.

Actually today I feel fine now, yesterday it was thumping. As per usual, I wasn't sure what to talk about until I went on 7 Cups and a topic idea sparked interest for me.

I don't comment on the precise diagnostic threads, I'm too private for that but as long as it's not too personal, I might share.

Ugh unfortunately G didn't deliver the groceries and this nitwit, stood there, while I was slowly struggling painfully to unpack the shopping from the crates into my bags....

While he remained watching, eventually, he offered to help, to which I accepted.

But that's what your butt should have offered to do in the first place, not to hurry me along, but to be accommodating!

Anway it was all there, I think, hang on, let me double check. It was only the Pukka pies that were out of stock.

Speaking of which, they have new flavours, a balti chicken and a vindaloo.

I'm not keen on super peppery, but what if it's just got more flavour to it?

Back to the Things series...

1. If it's a mobility issue, then stop racing us, I need to walk slowly, with small steps.

The highlight of going out alone was being able to go at my own pace without the constant guilt trips....

Oh you're walking sooo slowly..... Good job we're not in a hurry..

2. For some reason, sometimes I can't walk in a straight line, so if you're behind me, good luck to you.

My legs kinda jerk or get wobbly and switch paths like I'm drunk, it's just what they do. I'll apologise but it's my body..

3. I don't feel physically capable of going to multiple places, if you want to do that, go ahead, I just won't join you.

I don't want to trek too far, staying local is limited but it's also all I can manage.

I used to wince, exhaust myself and try and forget how much pain I was in, just to accommodate you and your needs.

Those days are long gone! The fact that you're asking me too, shows how self centred and thoughtless you are.

4. Again just because I can do something but it's still very taxing for me, it doesn't mean you should push me into doing it.

I know the ill effects of exerting my body too far, limited functionality, risks of strain etc..

5. Illness doesn't care about your age. People assume you bounce back quicker because you're young but it wasn't like that for me.

My body used to burn and beg me to rest and I still ignored it because people were pressuring me to be active.

Sorry my brain is scattered so decided to eat, veggy spring rolls, good but need a dip.

The Namdong noodle pots were buy 2 get 1 free. I got 2x chicken, decided to risk, a beef.

Holy moly it's delicious. I'm glad I put lots of water. I only microwaved it for 6 minutes and water hadn't evaporated.

But by the time I left it to cool, it did and it's just right, soft, more chow mein style, not thin noodles, which I prefer.

There was a spice packet, which I binned, incase it was too salty or too spicy and ruined it.

But it's just a nice beef flavour, seasonings and herbs and goodness.

I'm only struggling to eat it, as I'm full. Oh the further you get down, there's a tiny bit more saltiness and spice.

When I say goodness, not healthy, just really enjoyable to munch :)

#BlogLife1057 - Don't apologise then..

I was already up but still in bed at 10ish maybe when the phone rang and this company keeps confusing me.

There are different maintenance companies for different tasks around the home and this one keeps mentioning the boiler but it has nothing to do with that.

I mentioned that Friday I had an appointment with them, where no-one showed or called..

And she was like, Oh did you make that through your landlord? I said Yes and she said, Oh we weren't aware so it's separate and that's limited to them....

Ummmmm Listen nitwit, the appointment was made on your behalf, they would have contacted you and said she's free on that day, have someone call around...

So I don't buy that, they didn't know about it. She should have just apologised for the inconvenience.

Suddenly now she's rushing me for a meeting at the end of the week....

I said I don't have my lens on and have to check my diary. I was not about to squint.

It's difficult to see clearly, it's all blurry, so I asked for a direct number, got it and said I will call later.

I'm going to eat and charge the phone first. I should get it over and done with.

This week is free but I might make it for next week instead. I want a bit of peace.

I'll see, the worst part of it, apart from her snobby attitude, was that, they are making it sound complicated, like it needs several visits and not just one and done....

Ugh, not looking forward to that either. I've done the sweeping.

I actually liked spacing out the cleaning over several days, it was so much kinder to my body.

I'm waiting for the washing to dry. I'll change the duvet and wash it and then mop and the rest is done thankfully.

My thing, when I know it's a legitimate number is to add it to my phone and usually wait for them to call me.

There was no way I was getting stuck in the Operator loop.

Oh something else she said that tickled me. Why do they keep saying I'm with the previous landlord, when we switched ages ago?

Ok ok, I was responsible and called them back and decided to put my needs first and make it for next week Wednesday.

8-1pm. The UC is on Tuesday, Bank Holiday is on Monday...

And just got a text, on the same Wednesday between 11-2pm, they are conducting emergency fire alarm and lightning tests.

Lol, so a crazy week, but they said it's for the public areas, not people's homes.

Last thing. I'm not drinking enough and I'm starting to get really painful foot cramps at night.

It always happens when I'm dehydrated but currently for some reason I'm just not thirsty.

It's a chore to drink, I'm trying to add the flavoured ice poles to my water....

It's like a long thin fruit lolly and I add it, in summer. Today's one is lemon.

I think I drink more in winter weirdly.. I don't have much of an appetite.

I've just ordered the groceries for tomorrow, I didn't see any new items as such and because it's household heavy order, I just could only afford the basics I usually get.

Kitchen rolls, cleaning wipes, they are so expensive. I'm sure they used to be a £1ish and now it's £3/4.

My debit card is going to expire in January, I wonder when they will send the next one.

Ugh I wonder if I can pick it up in person? That's the last thing I want my neighbours getting..

I think the ID is a passport but mine is expired, I don't know if that makes a difference or if you are even permitted to collect it..

#BlogLife1056 - Experiment concluded

It's been 1 month since I did the experiment, can a hand cream replace a moisturiser?

In my humble opinion? No. My face is combination so it has a lot of requirements.

Maybe I should have put it on the spin brush? But I personally don't think it would make a difference.

I still have dryness around the edges so I need a genuine moisturiser, for a cheap alternative, it was interesting though.

Half a fix maybe? I've just used the last of the Avon stuff, which was the mud mask.

I do not recommend it. Overpriced and did not hydrate my skin, not worth it.

I don't know how long it lasted, it can't be 5 months. It was a tiny tube.

Anyway I'll have to get another one and see what deals I can sniff out.

Hopefully it will be a new brand but it will always come down to the price.

When I get a nicer cleanser, then I might add it and the Nivea cream to the face brush routine as well as having a separate moisturiser..

I'll see...I've just done the washing, hopefully the sun will dry it quickly.

I chopped my nails short because my nail snagged and tore and I like to make them even.

I don't mind them like that, although when they are longer, it looks more feminine ha.

I'm craving cereal bars or biscuits, something other than yoghurt but I can wait until my next shop, no more top ups unless it's absolutely necessary.

Oh I tried the Aunt Bessies roast potatoes, nice and smallish, good flavour.

I should have seen how much the gravy is.. I only cooked them for 20 minutes because my oven is hot but I can see why they recommend 30ish.

It was done but maybe an extra 5/6 minutes would have made it a touch softer. It was crispy though.

The potato pops, malteser size, are better actually, maybe because they are smothered in butter or maybe other seasonings..

Oh at some point I have to ring EE, they keep calling me but my contract isn't up for another year..

I don't know if the saline will arrive today. They said before 5pm but they also said, they will send it to the local sorting office first...

Very confusing. I haven't heard the regular Postie and it's nearly 12pm, maybe I missed them?

I went ahead and trimmed my hair, it seemed messy. Oh that was fun.

Never have I seen live tracking for Royal Mail, so they said 5x stops ahead and it was auto refreshing.

It gave me a rough idea because it kept changing the due time and I knew it was due anytime and then boom buzzed and I got it.

Maybe because it wasn't the standard Postie but a special one, is the reason live tracking was an option?

I'm currently sorta watching In Living Color, an ancient sketch show....

I thought it would be better, small bits of it are good, the rest is so so.

I snapped at one of the randoms. I was already feeling raw, because of Friday's no show and he just decides that's the time to blank me.

So I left. I saw him today and he could have apologised or explained but none of that occurred.

So if you do it again, don't bother talk to me and his only response.... When you know someone is already angry...

Is to say Oh but I replied and you had left lol. I don't know why that angered me more.

I think it's because if I hurt someone's feelings, I'd own up and say, I'm really sorry, it wasn't intentional, something came up.

But I can listen to you now...... You know something kinder but he was like meh, not my problem, kinda, attitude.

And my family treating me like crap is one thing, I have to endure that, like I always have...

Strangers doing it? No no no! So I said, Just don't talk to me from now on.

I am done with everyone treating me like crap. I know, well, I guess I realised I had reached my limit, being surrounded by cold indifferent people.

I have to say, I don't feel embarrassed even though it was a strong reaction, I actually feel good for standing up for myself and speaking my mind.

And not just taking someone's thoughtlessness :)

#BlogLife1055 - Waiting on nitwits........ All day disrespect

Ha, I said I was going to leave the cleaning until the morning and then I thought the sun has gone down, there's only a bit to wipe, sink and the tub, why not just do it?

That's exactly what I did, somehow found the energy and then took out the bins.

I was going to change the duvet but then there will be a pile of washing left out.

I've done enough. There's still a soreness lurking. I'm glad I did it. Tomorrow I might see if there's anything else before they arrive and then that will be it.

Mind you, they might leave a mess and their trash, which sometimes happens..

I'm all done, I should have actually mopped the floor but there is no way I have it in me. It's all presentable, just not spotless.

I slept quite off and on so maybe a few hours and then woke up before the 7ish alarm.

I just want it over and done with then I can relax, eat and be normal for the weekend.

My eyes feel so much better with the eye drops, maybe the saline will come tomorrow..

It's only 9amish. Two hours I've been up and they could come at anytime before 12pm, unless they run late...

I was hoping they would be here by now. Time is going too slowly.

Hmm it's nearly 11.30pm. Have they forgotten? There's still no texts, emails or calls...

They could have been done by now. What was the point of me waking up at 7amish??

I'm drained. I can't even concentrate. I can't turn on the heating or close the windows, even though it's chilly...

If I do when they get here all the windows will be open and I'll catch a chill.

Luckily the blankie is nice and toasty. I can't munch because I don't want to open the door all messy..

I can't nap incase the phone/door buzzes.. I can't change either, even though it's nearly 2pm.

2 hours late! At what point do I give up? I've got no appetite.

Alright just stop everything. It's just gone 3.33pm so over 3 hours and that's it.

I'm done. I'm going to eat and chill and they can go jump off a cliff!

I'm going to try that truffle pasta thingy.

You know what's funny? Being distracted and then not realising, I still had the heated blankie on, when the sun is raging and hot now. Oops.

Holy moly the truffle chicken macaroni pasta is delicious. It has zero truffle taste woop woop.

It's elevated seasoned up mac and cheese, that's what it is, I thought I would hate it, but it's wonderful.

The Muller Mississippi mud pie is not great. The yoghurt part is fine, toffee, coffee, more coffee..

But the other side is like a dry bitter biscuity and it's not sweet enough and not exciting to eat.

That I assumed I would love but I don't, crazy day. I'm glad I munched but that's my limit for today.

Oh one last thing, so it was mostly a good chat with Mama until the end...

One of the siblings asked at what point did I finally start talking in school?

And the whole conversation took a nasty turn because although I don't remember it.

I know why I didn't talk. At home constantly criticised and told to be silent.

I thought I was an embarrassment to myself and representing my family.

Idiots shouldn't talk blah blah blah.. 

And I thought really Mama? You're making a joke and laughing at this?

A traumatic childhood is amusing to you? The fact that I hated myself and thought there is nothing positive about me???

For decades is not a joke. You're bringing up his name and once again, I am the butt of everyone's mockery.

I was half tempted to tell her straight....... The reason I didn't talk was that I believed I was dumb!!!!

That was hammered into me at home, on a daily basis. Did you conveniently forget that??

Anyway I've touched on this so many times, she will never change and wise up.

Heaven forbid she do some soul searching or inner reflection, and even if she does, it won't last.

I don't want to be bothered by it this time, so I'm writing it out and getting rid of it.

Err unfortunately my brain has other ideas and it keeps replaying it in my head over and over.

And I was trying to figure out why? And then it came to me. It's like she wanted a daughter but didn't.

She didn't want my personality, she wanted her bubbly niece's. That's why she continually compared me to them and said...

Why can't you be like them? Skinny, popular, confident, friendly. (She didn't name the traits as such but it was loudly implied).

She conveniently ignored their obvious defects, which was disrespectfulness, being unkind, bullying and a shatterer of confidence.

And I always wondered why, she only saw the good in them, yet only saw the negative in me?

It gave me the biggest complex........ Why am I so unappealing? What's wrong with being myself?

So her view of me, plus my siblings and cousins and Papa and friends made me think Wow, nobody will ever love and respect me for being me, because they keep harping on about my inadequacies so it must be true right???

I just had to shut out and silence all their hatred in order to love myself and know I deserved better treatment and care.

I don't know but I think I needed that reminder today. No matter how arrogant I pretend to be, just to feel semi ok and normal.

When family brings it back...... It's like they are saying it's obvious, You are not one of us.

We barely tolerate you and don't accept you, remember that....

Why can't I just have the good relationship I crave, instead of a bitter one?

At this point I'm glad Mama's is off on her holidays for 2 months. I need a break from her, like she excels on ruining good times.

I just don't want to speak to her or wish her safe travels, I'm too angry.

By the time she comes back, I'll have simmered. I think what's also infuriating is that, even if I said, You of all people know what our home life was like.

Because she gleefully pointed out to all the Teachers, she's fine at home, talks normally.....

She doesn't need extra help or special attention..

Yea even if I said the older sibling in particular told me to shut up, every singe time I talked....

She would have found a way to negate and say, well it was only a few times or I've forgotten or I think you're exaggerating, it was a joke......

I don't feel heard and validated to say my childhood and your version do not match up.

And even though you don't agree with mine, I need you to accept it and realise my reality was real to me.

She'll never give me that closure though. She acts like I should be over it and mentions their names, without filtering or sparing my feelings.

I know I'll eventually snap and blurt out home truths about trying to harm myself.

And the real reason I don't date and the fact that I feel unattractive on the outside and inside..

Plus my confidence fluttering, one minute I'm good and the next just feel I can't do anything successfully....

Or the fact that, the only way I knew I would survive life was to stop hating myself and fight my mind against layer and layer of being despised in my surroundings.

But it took years and years before that happened and I wasn't sure I had it in me or even wanted to live and put up with it.

I know my faults and as negative as my family is...... I want to show someone in the same boat as me, that there is positivity out there.

There is a way out of the darkness, it just takes time, healing, patience, self love and purging your soul from toxicity.

Ok sorry you had to read all that but I had to say it and get rid of it.

#BlogLife1054 - How do you prepare yourself...?

I've just unpacked the groceries and everything was there, aside from these beef puffy pastry thingys.

They looked fun to try, similar to the Asda ones, where they infused cheese into the pastry and it gave it an extra kick of flavour.

It was probably £1/2ish and it was a big bag of maybe 6 minis or more I think and then they stopped it, aww :(

It was quite dense pastry so fulling as a snack. Iceland has never had it in stock, I thought it was strange it was. Oh well.

I'm not big on truffle but there was a parmesan chicken pasta bake that had positive reviews..

I thought I would try it out, plus the Muller Corner Mississippi mud pie yoghurt, apparently toffee and coffee, that sounds fun.

The only reason I got it was the yoghurts were on a 3x £6 deal and most of them were nearly £3 alone.

I wanted to stretch out the desserts, 12x altogether I think. A mix of healthy and unhealthy because the others are fat free strawberry..

And a red fruits combination, which is lush. Also Aunt Bessie's roast potatoes because the potato pops seem to be discontinued and I loved that tiny dinky roast potato flavour.

I miss it. I'm hoping I find the energy to do that lil bit of cleaning but I woke up sore and now just feel drained.

Wow that was super fast. I only bought the eye drops yesterday and they are out for delivery with Yodel.

They predict between 10ish and 12pmish, just before 1pm. They haven't said how many people are ahead but maybe later on..

Typical nonsense, problem with your address, contact us, so I did and he was the slowest typer.

Literally 5 minutes later, the courier buzzed and it got here at 12pmish.

I don't know why they don't use gps. I'm trying to read the instructions.

I wanted to see if they said anything about removing contact lenses but the print is so tiny.

Hmm maybe I have lost my mind but the new drops smell of carrots? Umm why?

Strange, but they are nice and thin, they don't sting, thank heavens and feel refreshing.

I honestly don't see a brand name but I don't care as long as they make my eyes feels better.

And now the salines are being posted, supposedly 48hrs, but realistically as it's Royal Mail, the local service, maybe Monday and not Saturday..

I feel hungry but I don't and now my under eyes are feeling a bit stingy, probably too much eye rubbing.,

I feel as though I don't want to make anymore mess. I'm just going to finish cleaning tomorrow morning.

I'm going to get up early anyway. I think 8-12pm, maybe? Which means just in case I have to get up 7amish.. to be dressed and I never risk having a shower.

I need to be fully clothed and feel as safe as possibly can with strangers lurking around and who knows how many? Ugh don't think about it.

At least on Saturday I can sleep late, there is no reason to wake early.

I hope it's a quick straightforward appointment. The coming and going unnerves me so badly.

I think because I feel icky about them barging into my room. I'm going to try and relax, listen to music, distract myself and ignore them.

Tomorrow after they leave I will eat properly, 2x meals and snacks.

Today was just once. I'm unable to relax so I'm not going to force myself. I'm not starving, I was peckish, not anymore.

Plus it's very warm and that's making me empty as well. I want rain, lots and lots of rain please. Thanks :)

#BlogLife1053 - Shed a tear or 6..

I've waited as long as I could. My eyes have been so dry and itchy and uncomfortable that I can't do without the eye drops.

I checked my supplies and I'm down to my last saline bottle. Ugh I don't even buy storing solution because contact lens products are too expensive.

It's supposed to be a cleaner, to cleanse the lens from eyelashes or grease.

A storing solution to moisturise them overnight in the lens case.

Then in the mornings. I use the cleaner and then the saline to rinse it off.

Plus not forgetting, once a month, I have to do the deep clean, using protein tablets. 

I pop them in the case with the lens overnight and in the morning, clean them and it's supposed to be like having fresh comfy lens again.

But I'm happy I found a great deal on both. 4x saline bottles for under £9. I mean just over £2 each, a bargain!!

Then 6x eye drops for £7. Just a poundish each, wow, great value! It's just under £16.

Bulk buying at least where eye care is concerned just works out cheaper.

The saline can be £3/4 each for 1x bottle. The drops maybe £2/3 for 1x bottle too.

If I wanted less bottles, of course I could get them but they are used up so quickly, especially the eye drops.

For the same money but fewer bottles, it's not worth it. I need them to last a long time.

I hope the boiler isn't fritzing again, it was making a lot of noise last night and I blindly thought I put it on but it's cold.

Ok oops my fault, I didn't guess/press the up button high enough, it wasn't on but it is now.

That clicking sound is music to my ears. I just switched on the heated blankie too and got some crackers and butter for brekkie/lunch.

I can't believe I still went out and forgot to get some cheese, whoosh just went out of my mind.

The other things eventually to get are slippers, body butters but this time scented grr!

And I have no idea what else.. I guess clothes in smaller sizes but that doesn't seem like a priority, more vanity..

Yesterday I went ahead and blocked J on discord, as it's nearly a week and from regular chats to zero, seems off to me.

Something that really irritates me is everyone asking/saying.. Oh where you live is so expensive how do you afford it?

Everywhere, everything is pricey nowadays, use your damn brain and sniff out bargains, that's how I manage.

I use discount codes, coupons, deals, offers, whatever is available.

I might buy unknown brands or wait for certain days where a deal is guaranteed.

I only buy what I need. I don't borrow on credit cards. I use my existing funds, so only get what I can afford.

I might price around for the lowest cost. You have to be able to stretch the pennies in order to survive.

You can't just assume people will pay the highest amount, go to the fanciest restaurants, choose the expensive utilities providers etc....

Just because of where they are located. I'm assuming most people are savvy like me.

You can pick an upmarket restaurant and pay 2/3 times the amount, get less food and snooty service...

Or stick with a friendly cafe, get twice the amount of food for a fraction of the price.

These assumptions do my head in!

Oh lastly I've come to realise I have no current interest in fiction writing.

The stories don't compel me. I like the plots, I like the direction and the characters but for some reason, I am not excited about working on any of them.

I don't know why but I couldn't care less and I wish I did. Maybe I'll change my mind?

And every so often Twitter is still blocking my account and limiting my audience and I am getting so fed of it!

#BlogLife1052 - Look away, the joys of double dipping

I just had to have small bites and then I could stomach food. A fun thing I've just tried with the pakoras...

Is dipping it in the mint raita first and then the spicy burger sauce and the combination is sooo yum.

It doesn't taste too burny and it makes the unevenly seasoned pakoras taste way better than they are.

It's like they made onion bhajis and then decided to add the pakora ingredient spinach to make it pakoras lol.

I didn't realise but mixing them together, lowered the spice levels, so I could have more of it.

Restaurants have a nasty habit of sweetening the raita dip and it ruins it for me, but this was left savoury, not salty, just packed with flavour so I didn't waste it.

Maybe I'm bloated and that's why I can't eat much? Please no more periods for a while.

I want my stomach to be normal. Gosh do I have to be skin and bone for all these problems to go away?

I'm almost tempted to go back to starving myself but nope I've come a long way from unhealthy steps.

I guess I'm just a lil frustrated from being tender and uncomfy, when there is no reason I should be.

I'm full but maybe just one more.... It was soo nice..

I feel better today. I slept good. At the moment it feels easier to rest. I still wait until I'm exhausted but the asmr seems to knock me out.

I've done lil bits of tidying. All I have left is to do a bit of mopping and some wiping before Friday's maintenance appointment and that's it.

I'm trying not to think about strangers invading my safe space. Not knowing what their attitudes will be like..

Bit odd, UC said the landlord confirmed the housing costs but they never mentioned to me, I should be paying less.

It's so corrupt! I'm still going to ask at the end of April, the official rent....

We shall see.. I still have to find a day where I'm energised and not feeling off to go and get my brows done, that's proving difficult.

The buses still aren't stopping inside the bus station, so to get to the mini Tesco, is too much of a trek for me.

One of the randoms seem to have ghosted me, 5 days and nothing.

It's odd that he added me to discord and then disappeared. It makes no sense.

I told him something personal, on the surface he accepted it, but maybe not...

I don't really know if I should block him or not, could be busy? Something tells me though, he's just changed his mind about me.

After all......... He is a J and J's and SS's do not last long ha! So funny but so true.

#BlogLife1051 - Understimulated

Although there is a lot that annoys me about 7 Cups, the  censorship, lack of support etc..

The one thing I do enjoy from the members and Listeners are the discussions about a variety of topics.

It could be lighthearted or really deep and meaningful and it really tickles my brain to have to think about what I'm sharing.

Plus people add things, you don't necessarily think about so it's thoroughly interesting to read it all and get involved.

But in the back of my mind, now I'm always thinking, Oh is this going to stay up, or will it be removed??

Although the randoms have their uses, for entertainment purposes, there's not a whole lot of serious discussions around.

My brain feels neglected sometimes. I will enjoy it while it lasts and I haven't seen many insults.

There are some disagreements but mainly I find myself agreeing with them because it's an assumption or a narrow view.

I'm enjoying lifting people up but I am still getting pms and I don't whether I should officially write on my profile I'm on hiatus because what if UC logs on and sees it?

I'm always mindful of not being free to be myself and make my own decisions.

Enough talking, I have to make brekkie wraps, maybe no fish today, chicken or steak maybe?

The Iceland wholemeal wraps are bland but durable, the other one had a lil more flavour. Meh I still miss rotis.

Oh yea I'm still stumped, my face continues drying out, so as well as the Blink drops, something else is causing it?

Well just spoke to Mama about meeting on Tuesday and she says she's too swamped....

This was her idea to meet ha but I'm relieved. It's already going to be busy with the UC on Monday and then the maintenance on Friday.

Back home from the UC meeting, uneventful, he just said update the rent costs when you can, I don't blame you, you are trying your best.

I don't know why my stomach is churning, I feel sick, I can barely stand.

I bought apple and orange juice, that's not helping. I am listening to binaurals, that's not working.

The food arrived and I don't really have an appetite to face it. I bought pakoras, they are ok..

I still don't understand how they can be called onion bhajis and pakoras.

Two different flavours, with different ingredients ha. Oh well but what will save the day, included in the bag is a mild mint raita, which is tasty.

Plus a mildly spiced ketchupy burger sauce, which is also quite nice.

I know I'm not big on spice but when it's flavoursome, then it appeals to me, but in small doses.

I also bought an egg burger and a chicken doner, why did I buy so much?

I thought I would be hungry, that's why but I'm not. Oh and chicken samosas too.

Plus cashews and those dil crisps and more of those eclair cupcakes.

I would have liked to browse more but it was so difficult standing and trying not to vomit.

Yeesh well at least I have food for 2x days. It will make it easier when I'm upright, especially if I still feel sick tomorrow.

All I want to do is lie down. Oh I was running early but the sun was blinding and I couldn't see the bus number, usually they stop, this one raced by...

But I just made it on time with the second bus. Crazy stuff. No jacket but three layers of clothing, was just right.

It's windy and sunny in the UK at present. I'm still getting used to the sunglasses making everything look black and white.

At least I can see clearly with them on, not the buses but everything else.

Am I going to feel better if I eat properly? Hmm, not convinced! No didn't work, I can't force myself to eat.

Kinda peckish but even though it's 1pmish, my tum is acting as though it's full of food and I haven't eaten a thing.

Well not much, mostly just sipping orange juice. I need to take off my makeup too.

This would be the perfect time for a nap, if I was really tired but it's body tired, not brain tired and it has to be both.

Ugh that jerk (RM). I can't unsee his name now because as well as stalking my friends comments and posts.....

Now he's latched onto mine and I want to tell him to take his abusing, bullying self away but I can't.....

He hasn't been nasty to me and I'm not supposed to know his true nature because it was told in confidence!

I may not be able to call him out, but neither will I engage. Treat people with respect, it's really not difficult!

Maybe in turn, they will want to be around you. Instead of avoiding you.

#BlogLife1050 - There's something fishy about you..

Hmm is the brain inspired today? It's just before 9am and the usual Iceland guy G, came with me shopping.

No substitutions which was nice. I just double checked it was all there and boom it was.

It's soo frustrating to see the prices continually climb, from things that were reasonable to now ridiculous.

But comparing prices was fun because actually I found instead of 4x steaks for a £1 more, I could get 6x and pay less ha.

The wholemeal wraps look huge so that will be interesting to try. If I was sensible I would cut the steak into thin strips to make it presentable...

But I know I won't do that or maybe I'll risk a lil pain... Knives just don't seem to my friends anymore, grip, dexterity is too much.

I was surprised that the Baklava is back in stock, maybe it's proving to be popular, good reviews.

I thought it was because of Easter, a speciality item.. I was hoping the gulab jamun or the carrot halwa was there too, but nope.

I have a feeling they reduced the price too. I'm sure it was higher, now it's £2.50.

Someone mentioned a coffee flavour? I didn't know that. I've not heard it associated with coffee like tiramisu is.

I just made fishy croissants, bit bland, cheese, cod, mayo. I feel like it would have been better with hummus but I'm trying to use out the mayo first before buying something else.

The mint cornetto was the star. I don't remember it having tiny chunks of mint crisp in it before, absolutely delicious.

Needs nuts, well no it doesn't need anything, it just would have been better, I was munching pistachios on the side so a combination of sorts I guess.

Good value, 6x for £1.75. I am stuffed and trying not to think about next week.

3x meetings. I am going to be knackered. I'll pick up snacks to keep me sane, maybe..

#BlogLife1049 - Drawing a blank on talking..

From yesterday all my post drafts were finished and I thought ok, you'll eventually think of something to talk about today but I didn't.

My chatty brain was silent, even today there is nothing at all. I have a few chores to do, hanging out the washing to dry..

Cleaning the sink but aside from that, everything is done, apart from today's UC stuff and today's post.

The last thing was seeing how the monthly budget was going. I expected my balance to be dangerously low, even though I'm only getting the essentials but actually, it's ok.

Luckily there is enough for food and the bills this month at least. In May I will have to recheck it and see.

It's kinda unusual to feel this eerily calm, usually I am overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done. 

I guess when the pain is minimal, I can focus better and do things, lil by lil. It's all manageable :)

It's 1pm but I don't feel hungry. To be honest, there are minimal groceries left.

Sometimes I just get hormonally too hungry and the food doesn't last a week.

There is still stuff there, crackers and chicken and beef, maybe 1 pie but that's basically it.

It's only Wednesday, I guess I could do a shop for tomorrow instead of Friday..

One day early, isn't too bad, is it? Oh something I saw in Iceland are those Laila poppadom crisps which were exceptionally good for 90p.

They only have the mango chutney one. I've never seen that but the mint coriander one was extraordinarily perfect.

I hope they get it in stock. I discovered it in Ocado Zoom. Although I strive to get snacks that will last...

I saw some wholemeal wraps for £1.25. I think I will try those. I don't really fancy toast or rolls.

And those wraps made really good filling meals. It didn't even need cheese.

It's a shame, there is only an 8-10am slot, ouch, which means waking up at 7amish.

But at least it's over and done with and I can have a good first meal when I feel like it later.

At long last I remembered to pluck my brows, oof what a mess they were..

I still need a professional one done. One day when I have the energy..

I even checked the Too Good To Go app and there were no new restaurants or shops nearby offering foodie deals.

#BlogLife1048 - When is a chapati not a chapati?

Yesterday I realised I was out of eye drops, ugh I thought I had a few, my eyes are so dry.

I'm wondering if that is an expense I can leave out? I feel like they are permanently fogged at the moment, not blurry, just not super clear.

I just unpacked the Iceland order and everything but the pies were in stock, I got the Iceland version which is pretty tasty as a backup, I should have bought 2x packs.

I ripped off a bit of the Elephant Atta chapatis to try. Hmm, they are thin like wraps, but wholemeal which is good..

It's 8x for £1.70 I tore a bit to taste, it has got a nice flavour, roti-ish..

Maybe it will be stronger, when they are reheated on the press and I add butter to it. I bought different fillings, cod, to see if I can tolerate it..

Chicken tikka strips, egg, cheese and sausages, so lots of variety as this will be a main meal throughout the week.

Yesterday I had a phone chat with a random. I always forget that 90% of the time, I can't stand their voices.

At least I warned him beforehand, it's a dealbreaker, young sounding or not deep, is not my type.

I prefer masculine but he took it well and I was polite about it and apologetic.

Can't win them all. Well I enjoyed the fish that was good. The chapatis were a let down, nothing like rotis.

But it was something different so it was ok in that respect.

I won't be buying them again. I want authenticity, otherwise it's false advertising.

I just remembered, although there's no Indian restaurants nearby, there is a Caribbean place and they might sell fresh rotis, although it is to find the energy to go.. Hmm..

Also an update on the Avon mud mask, obviously I cannot recommend it because my skin has dried out.

Well it's in a much better state since the Blink eye drops have finished.

Roti's are a flaky soft very flavoursome flatbread. It's got a unique taste so we used to have them a lot at home and when it's freshly made, with oil or butter, it's so delicious with practically anything.

Oh Mama called about the earbuds and she's leaving on her holiday at the end of April.

She said the reason the links weren't working was maybe me being on the USA website, not the UK version, so it's easier if I do it in person, if I stay with her this summer.

I guess it depends, if she treats me like crap again. I feel like I'm demanding respect but feeling bloody guilty about it.

Ridiculous!!

Ugh I am so irritated. It's April so normally the rent increases. Only my landlord has changed it to October.

Every single time I call up, they change the rent amount. Universal credit wants an up to date record of it.

How do I say it's changed but yet they are still charging me more than they are saying it is???

Ugh it's doing my head in. The same thing, every time, a million contradictions. I want my whole rent to be covered.

Let's be clear in my own head. The last time I spoke to the landlord my total rent was £666.81 for the month.

That's including the service charge. Now suddenly they are saying it's £591.80. 

What amount am I supposed to give?? I am already struggling with the expenses.

I suppose I'll give the lesser amount, I mean they confirm with the landlord anyway, they don't take my word for it.

Cripes, why is it so hard to get a straight answer? Well one of the maintenance appointments is booked for next Friday morning.

Ugh busy week, a UC appointment, meeting Mama and then no peace until Saturday.

Hmm ok, according to UC, last time I submitted, the housing costs it was £122.42 for the weekly rent and £31.46 for the service charges.

Now according to the landlord it is £125.73 for the weekly rent and £22.22 for the service charge, so higher rent, lower service charge.

Yet the landlord still insists I pay £666.81 and not £591.80. Why is it so shady???

Ugh whatever it's done and they can sort it out between them. Leave me out of your lies!

I hate that question, when did it change? How do I know?? They change it on a bloody whim!

You know what? At the end of April I will ask them what is the rent amount to pay, and if they say a different answer. 

I will report it to UC because it's on them, not me.

#BlogLife1047 - Eclair cupcake hybrid?

I'm eating small meals and got around to that concoction I bought. I'll look up the name. (Chocolate butterflies).

But it just looked so funky, a cross between an eclair and a cupcake? Never seen that before.

That's exactly what it tasted like, weird, but really good. I'm never sure if I'm supposed to freeze it because it's got cream in it?

And that got solid but although it looked small on Twitter, it's quite substantial.

I don't think I can face further munching, maybe a handful of the sour cream dill crisps later on.

I've taken off my makeup and hung up the clothes and the washing.

Feels really good to lounge on the bed while the cramps come and go and the earbuds act up grr.

I didn't get fizzies, just orange juice, I think it helped because I didn't feel sick anymore just weak and tired.

Just a quick update. Since P didn't say a thing regarding the photo, hours passed and there was just like reaction type thing.

He wasn't relentlessly asking, just a few times, anyway it pisses me off when they don't say anything.

It makes me think they are finding a way to block me or give me the speech.

I'd rather it was mature. You're not my type, no offence. I don't think we should talk..

But usually it's the speech........ Oh heavens. There's been major family drama, I can't be on the internet....

Goodbye forever....... Lol! Dopes!

So I gave him an out, I said I don't mind being rejected, it won't be a big deal.

And his reply to that was.....What are you on about?

Yeesh could I have been any clearer? So as my revenge, because he's still chatting, just with huge gaps..

Was to go and delete my picture. For him too, apparently that's an option... Ha...

I wonder if he'll notice and if he does. I'll just tell the truth, not that he doesn't deserve it but he didn't comment, so it's irrelevant it being there.

Plus I wanna pat myself on the back for being courageous too! I just boom, went ahead and did it.

And to be fair, I did say I didn't want one of him. I'm rarely attracted. Although I think if you have balls, you insist, listen fair is fair, I've seen you, you should see me too..

He could still ghost me tomorrow and you'll find out this week ha.

But at least if he sent one. I'd say he was nice looking but not the right fit for me.

He already said he has facial hair and that's never my type. The next step is to stop staring at my phone and checking for messages..

Come on SS, distract yourself! Well it's a new day and he's still messaging.

Ha I just let them initiate contact. He literally asked if I was up, this morning. He didn't say goodnight yesterday and he usually does.

And I said Yes been up ages. Then he said Why didn't you message me? So funny.

I told him I thought he was still asleep or busy with work. So my inkling is correct..

He's not noticed that my image isn't there anymore. I get the impression he's bored and keeping me around for entertainment until someone viable comes along.

But that's the thing. I'm using him right back. He keeps saying Don't get attached to me, I know you are/will..

With me, it takes such a long time to build trust, to be comfortable, to open up and work out how I'm feeling, that by that time, they have come and gone..

I don't see myself getting hung up on him but he is really funny, down to earth and good company.

But when someone gives the impression, they are not going to invest in you, I back off and shut down the potential.

I'm not getting hurt. I want someone to care. I'm not interested in a one way mingling.

And I feel like although he's too cowardly to say, I'm only in it for a short team meaningless fling, it seems like he's dropping hints, implying it indirectly.

So I've been straightforward and told him, if someone doesn't care about me, I don't care about them.

And I could walk away easily and not care much that it was over.

I dunno if he's used to women getting obsessed but that's pretty arrogant to say......

Liking me is inevitable....I myself try not to be too conceited but my voice always gets complimented.

Ok I snapped today. He's barely talking, long gaps and then 3/4 hours passed and my reply was undelivered.. In the evening..

Suspicious. So I thought f off! Chicken and just blocked him on discord and to be honest downloaded telegram for him said our calls weren't clear, pft.

Blocked his ass on that too and deleted it. Woop. I didn't say, goodbye, because what's the point?

Messages aren't delivering. I bet he blocked me. Although last seen is still there, seen recently yet undelivered, hmm.. Shady.

It basically just felt as though it was a slow ghost, he was waiting for me to block him.

You don't go from chatting a lot, to barely communicating, without something being wrong.

I've already moved on ha. Randoms are easy to replace :)

I'm not in as much pain. No real cramps. I've ordered the shop for tomorrow and am eager to try wholemeal chapatis.

I think they are brown, they look it. Please be a real roti and not a bland wrap.

There is a huge taste between the two.

#BlogLife1046 - Things women wish you knew..

1. Not all of us are desperate to settle down and make a family, we have made other life choices.

2. Not all of us are bitter, sometimes we have gone through unimaginable events which make us extremely cautious and closed off at times.

3. Independence is not a flaw, it doesn't mean I can't mingle, I just prefer my own company and doing my own non taxing things. I'm not sure why people are threatened by that.

4. I choose to be single and support myself, why is that so unfathomable for others? It's my life. There are always personal reasons, don't question it, accept it.

5. Sometimes I like attention, other times I don't but I'm always dressing to please myself so that I feel good and cute. I'm not trying to outshine anyone, be the centre of attention or be noticed.

6. I can be shy, confident, insecure and bubbly. I am not one thing, stop trying to pigeonhole me and figure me out. Women are beautiful and complex and need to be given time to gently reveal themselves naturally after a while.

7. I don't owe anybody anything. I choose to give my time or attention because I have decided that I want too, not because you are demanding it.

8. I'm no longer affectionate or too vulnerable because a lot of the reactions I received were cold and unfeeling and now I associate it with negative connotations but it doesn't make me any less of a woman. It may change over time, it may not.

9. My weight is my own business. What I eat is my concern. I know that I have worked hard to be somewhat healthy and made a lot of changes. My figure fluctuated until I found my formula.

But I am more than my appearance. Why should how I look be everyone's talking point? I am more than that.

10. I have my own mind. I choose how I get affected by how I am spoken too or how I am treated. You don't get to decide for me.... Aka too sensitive, too serious, not an open book, not a big sharer etc.

11. You don't know me better than I know myself. You see parts of me only. Don't make assumptions or judge or feel you can make personal deductions because you don't actually know the full story and it's unlikely I'll feel like divulging it.

12. Don't speak for me or guess what I'm trying to say. Let me communicate in my own way with my own words.

13. I choose to forgive or not too and it's a personal choice that I have thought about carefully. You can't influence my decision or guilt me. Most likely I'm sick of being disrespected and you've blown it. Be kinder next time.

14. I despise being called feisty or exotic!! I have opinions and a strong will, it's got nothing to do with my gender or appearance!

The exotic thing? Ickkk like being caramel skinned is rare, to be pointed out, as though we are not the same as everyone else.

15. If I act like I hate you during my period.... I do and I should be able to talk about how uncomfortable and yucky I feel, without embarrassing you or hearing, take drugs and the pain will go bye bye.

Why don't you go bye bye instead! Problem solved!

#BlogLife1045 - Rice on the face?

I have just used up the last of the L'Oreal face wash and now I am onto the Bioaqua rice raw pulp cleanser.

It doesn't seem scented which is a minus point for me, it's thick but not heavy, my face felt super soft afterwards.

It's not suiting direct application on the face brush, it comes out too thickly and went all over my clothes instead of the brush, not a great first impression.

The second time was better but next time will apply it to my hands first and then my face.

I'll let you know how long it lasts and if I notice any side effects or positives during April.

I'm ticked off! My double period has finished and yet my tum is just cramping and bloated which worries me.

Is there going to be a third? Ugh give me a break from the pain ffs.

I still feel really off, if it's not tummy pain, my back is hurting so I haven't felt like doing much this Easter weekend.

I have the UC meeting on Wednesday and decided I will treat myself to pakoras and a wrap.

Possibly some fresh orange juice and snacks too but I can barely walk and function so it all depends on the pain intensity and energy levels plus if I feel nauseated.

I'm just going to order food instead. I'm also craving rotis but I'm not sure where to get that from.

Ugh Mama told me to use the Cex site voucher, what a horrible page it is.

It doesn't recognise low to high. I don't think the products are new and I chose a few items and when she clicked, they didn't come up.

So I had to search again, 20 pages on the phone because it won't load on the laptop grr.

But I found 4x earbuds, she just said, use it all up, so I sent her the brand names and descriptions and hopefully it will come up on the first page.

So that's my Christmas/Birthday present sorted. If they work I can chuck away an old headphone set that isn't lasting long.

I'm going to wipe them or use the alcohol sanitiser before I wear them.

I'm not in a hurry so will probably get them in summer. I bought me and Mama some protein tablets, I think we are both running out, only 3x month supply left and they are super expensive but useful.

I've written some drafts but I'm not posting this weekend. Tuesday it will be normal but the pain is crushing me and I don't want to do any editing or add anything.

I'm really not in the mood. At least I'm getting chunks of sleep, but all day cramps is ridiculous.

So I got back not long ago and this 3rd period, has stopped I think but the cramps and nausea are too much.

I was late for the UC appointment, of course the buses were delayed and it was so hard to stand.

Was I insane? Did I really think I could go to multiple places feeling this wrecked?

I just quickly browsed my international store for orange juice, cashew nuts and these cake or biscuit things, that were new. I put a picture on Twitter, foodie reviews when I can stomach eating again..

Ugh my tummmmm. I had some KFC and then the rest is for later or tomorrow.

It's the first time I had to put my sunnies on. It wasn't that cold really, I probably didn't need a jacket, just layers.

A weird thing happened at the bus stop. Oh before that the UC was uneventful, didn't wait too long and no condescension today.

Yea so I was sitting down waiting, and this young teen female I would say was just listening to music and dancing.

I didn't think anything of it, to each their own but this mature man, in his 40s/50s...

Felt he had to comment and I felt really icky about it. I don't know if he was filming or took a picture but it made my skin crawl.

He wasn't creepy, he just said It's nice that you're being carefree and dancing and spreading joy.

Now I was glued to my phone but kinda aware and I just kept thinking, Leave the girl alone because you should know better.

And as soon as he made that comment she stopped and probably felt self conscious.

But when he left, she resumed. Maybe I'm overreacting. There was just a lot of interest from very old men when I was lil and it just seems highly inappropriate!!

If you see someone young doing their own thing, Why do you feel the need to bother them?

Yuckkkkkk! She did take it as a compliment but I think if he crossed the line. I would have been livid and shouted at him, to leave her be.

I felt protective. Maybe I'm overthinking it, maybe it is innocent..?

But it feels so wrong and that's how it starts, something that can be taken either way and why was he even at the bus stop, when it wasn't his stop?

That means he followed her there, but people were around. Hell I'm sure there are cameras recording also.

Ick!

Oh there's a new random but as I just sent a picture this morning and there's been zero response, I think new P has lost interest, of course, could be busy with work too.

I just wanted to get it over and done with. He's really funny, not as tall as I'd like but very well mannered and approachable.

I asked him a technical question about one of my stories..... Wow I got it soo soo wrong.

I didn't confess it was about his professional aspect. It's too embarrassing.

I thought I would have the energy to take out the bins but nope, can barely stand without pain so that can wait too.