#BlogLife1082 - UK vs US version of Mistresses..

I've just unpacked the shopping and G delivered it, so handy, no further backache, although I woke every few hours last night, so maybe that's why I feel drained and sore.

Everything was there but a few things were substituted and that's fine. 

The kitchen rolls were not available and that is irritating, you're telling me, all brands of that were out of stock??

I don't think so Iceland, either you were to lazy to provide a substitution or didn't want me to have a more expensive brand, tsk.

I thought I was nearly out, so that's why I was frustrated, I didn't want to do a top up shop and spend extra..

But turns out I didn't realise I have a brand new unopened pack, so that will last, maybe 1 to 2 weeks, I'm not really sure, I prefer to have extra, just in case.

I put the cupcake picture on twitter, they look nice, I thought one was chocolate, but that's ok.

They are soft and sweet, just the right amount of icing and a great bargain. I would get them again.

I actually don't feel hungry right now, it's only 11amish, so I'll try it later.

Wow the fruit bag looks tiny but it's still probably better value, than what is currently offered.

The meatballs look even tinier and they will shrink ha but again, there is a fair few included in the pack.

I have to do a mini laundry load and I've already taken the bins out so that's done.

Ok so tried the fruits, umm, hmm, definitely not as sweet as I hoped and nor is the nutella knock off but it does go together.

Maybe the key is to have it in small doses and surprisingly I have left over yoghurt, which is a bonus.

I always miscalculate but then again, it depends on my appetite, sometimes I'm famished and not satisfied and other times, I'm content with the portions..

Today is absolutely freezing which is nice, but in the late afternoony, it could still be boiling.

Ahh there is a UK version of Mistresses, that probably came out first, same sorta storyline.. Mixed details from the American version.

That's from 2008. I don't remember it and not sure if I watched it before.... Interesting though..

Out of both of them, The American seemed more drama-led I think, that had an edge and was more compelling.

I wonder if this one will turn out differently..

I'll do the Nutella-ish toastie later. I typically crave savoury things first.

I really do wish I could get a mud mask but not pay the earth for it.

I plucked my brows but the shape has already gone and I don't want to over pluck it.

I had cramps all morning but soon after I put on the binaural beats video they stopped.

I think my tum needs food soon but I'm not hungry yet. I'll do the uc stuff first and then as it's Thursday the Looney Tunes Mayhem event will start at 2pm.

But I want to get some volunteering done before that also.

#BlogLife1081 - I did an oopsie.... Eek/ Toasted fondue?

I shouldn't multitask but I can have about 7 tabs open and switch between them easily.

While I was munching and chatting, I meant to copy and paste the last sentence I wrote and for some reason it copied and pasted the blog link...

Oh my goodness, I cringed so hard. No no no, that was not supposed to happen.

So I quickly blocked him, closed the page, turned red and normally it hides the messages and says this person is offline now.

I hope that is what happened. I like to keep my private life, private!

That is the first time I've done that, I think. I've just done the shopping for tomorrow, I didn't feel like ice cream or ice poles because the weather is chilly, even though it's sunny.

The day started off raining, which was heaven to my ears. I've actually seen appealing stuff at Iceland but I am waiting for the sale.

Lemon loaf cakes are delicious, it's £3 for 4x I think but it doesn't say how small the mini is... Lil pricey for me.

I recall they stocked it years ago as a single, maybe a £1 or £2 and it was so good.

I'm glad it's back, but prices keep creeping higher ugh! On the plus side there was 6x cupcakes for a £1, now that's amazing value, I bought that to try.

And for a change beef meatballs, I'm going to make sandwiches/burgers with those.

Oh ok the frozen berry fruits mix is Iceland branded, I thought it was someone else.

2x 430g bags for a fiver. I guess that's ok. Insane the amount of different fruits included.

I wonder if it will be equal. Fruits are so versatile, it could be paired with waffles, yoghurt, pancakes, solo, smoothies..

Or in my case a (Nutini) Nutella knock off and croissants/toast...

I've never done this before so I'm excited. I'll grill the bread first and not sure how I'll defrost the fruit, maybe when I wash it in warm water possibly..

It just makes me think of a fondue, even though I've never experienced that..

Chocolate liquid and then various fillings, smothered in it, with the bonus of hazelnut also... :)

Hmm I don't think I want warm chocolate spread either, will add it after.

It's going to be messy and a lil extra work. Oh I just thought of another weird addition from watching Jamie Oliver..

He did a chocolate avocado thingy dessert. Hmm not sure about that blend either...

If I'm missing savoury, the bread and croissants will give that edge..

And if I get tired of the sweet sandwiches, I got a Philadelphia cheese garlic and herb for the beef/fish/chicken burgers, plus I might go mad and put some veggie spring rolls into it...

Mix it up, so the flavours are all different and wild, ha. Even though I don't cook really, I'm trying to be a lil more adventurous.

I'm already getting bored of bread, so hopefully this will give it a new dimension...

Oh and I even tried that burger sauce with a plain cheese toasty and it gave it a kick, not spicy, just more flavour.

A really good investment.

#BlogLife1080 - Reality vs Reality...?

I know reality shows are a bit of fun and escapism. I want to shut off my brain and tune in for the dramas and different types of behaviours and revelations..

And to learn about how couples relate to each other because I've never been a part of a couple and doubt I ever will be, so this is the only way to observe it.

It brings up questions for me..... Should you change for someone?

Or is it personal growth? How do you maintain a semblance of yourself while trying to please someone else?

Is that healthy? Will you end up with resentments or be thankful you've grown with confidence?

I've seen instances where someone is shy and reserved and they are paired with someone outgoing and talkative..

It doesn't really mesh well, the confident one, loves the sound of their own voice too much and the quiet person, observes and takes it in..

I'd take it personally if someone said I don't like your dress style, let me take you shopping to pick things out for you.....

Hmm, my style is my own, if you don't like it, don't wear it.

But if they said it differently.... I would like to treat you and further explore some more feminine outfits that I think you would feel and look great in, obviously the final decision is yours..

Then I would be more receptive to it. I'd still have my own input and to be honest, I do mainly wear trousers and pretty tops because I'm not the most comfortable in dresses or skirts.

To be honest, I haven't tried on a dress in years. I wonder now with this significant weight loss, would I look better?

I look in the mirror and I see this heavy set person, when I don't look in the mirror, I see a smaller version of myself.

With dating, I know you have to put the effort in and look nice for one another, but you also have to feel good in your chosen attire, otherwise you spend it awkwardly self conscious..

Hmm I kinda stick to the same toastie routine, cheese, egg or meats..

I'm thinking of changing it up and making it sweet toasties instead.....

Jam is too sweet, I thought there was a reduced fat one in Iceland but nope.

The problem is, so is hazelnut spread but what if I tapered it with something savoury?

I thought fruits but it's a lil pricey... Then lemon curd, is an interesting ingredient... Sweet, yet tangy...

I know most would pair it with bananas, but that's not my thing. Pears would be interesting but again, pricey and I need something to stretch it out for the week...

I've seen the frozen berry fruits are on sale 2x £5, which is better than paying £3 for 1 bag and it won't spoil..

Could be like a brekkie dessert type thingy...?!

I know it seems like sweet on sweet, but sometimes blueberries, raspberries and redcurrants have a slight bitterness to them.

Plus there is blackberries, strawberries and blackcurrants. It just sounds like a tall glass of Vimto, which was a blended berry drink, yum.

I'm not completely sold on the lemon curd.... I'll keep looking...

The other crazy thought I had was adding cereal to it or oats, sounds strange but intriguing or nuts...

All this has to fit into a budget.. I might just leave it to the fruit and chocolate...

I could do the same with croissants, make them loaded with chocolate and fruit....

#BlogLife1079 - Hello again blankie

So because the weather has changed, I can use blankie again. Even though the pain is gone mostly..

It really helps to soothe my body but the only downside to it, it makes me so sleepy so by 8pmish, I found it so hard to keep my eyes open.

I'm not sure if I'll use it today, because I have to put the boiler on for about an hour, to keep it working..

It's 11amish but not hungry yet. I can't stop yawning. I think I had a succession of dreams that I don't remember but it felt like I was awake..

It's a very weird feeling and it just doesn't make me feel properly rested.

Dreamless nights are so much better for me. The brain needs to switch off.

Typical Just Eat sent me a £10 voucher, then an £8 one but I can't use them. Sensibleness now.

Ha! Why are the randoms so weird? RL returned after a 3x day ghost. Perhaps too soon to block, but seems a lifetime..

They all say the same, yea I was chatting to you normally, but you weren't, my replies were ignored or unread..

I can't recall which.. Anyway so we resumed, not on messenger because I give a chance, but if you ignore me, then, I'm going to uninstall it..

But then he decided to talk at me and flood me with information, I was so put off by that....

Literally read like a personal advert, name, age, hobbies. I kid you not!!

Why would you do that??? So I said this is not chatting organically..

I felt like I was on a damn dating app, not a chatroom..... Yeesh!

He said I was trying to familiarise you but nevermind take care lol.

Do men not think about what impression they give to others? It's just too much.

Another random, every sentence was innuendo...... My heavens.....

Seriously, why?? After a few minutes of realising, he had no substance, I just said, It's pretty pathetic that's all you can talk about and blocked him.

Then lastly L said I'm not giving up, which made me laugh... I could have sent a mean reply about him being gutless but I don't want to encourage chatting, so I just left it.

I'm mostly finding if I want an earthy chat, mainly women on the volunteering site are posting about important topics.....

What get's you through hard days?

How do you cope with burnout?

Compared to male questions.... What do you look like? What's your best feature? Where do you live?

Pfffft, ignore, ignore, ignore!

Well I did it. I found out how to update my profile on Cups and amended it to I'm not taking on any chats.

I like the Listener status of being able to message friends privately, but listening to members repeatedly behave disgustingly towards me is not acceptable at all.

I will not tolerate it anymore.

I've tried the Birds Eye waffle fries, it was on sale for £2, 80p discount maybe.

Really small bag but I have a small handful and it's fine, quite tasty, tiny chunks.

Good seasoning. I would get that again but not for the full price.

So far everything goes with that burger sauce, really versatile.

Next I saw Cajun chicken burgers so I'll try that, if it's too spicy, the burger sauce will taper that.

I'm sure that was on sale too but I can't see the discount.

The Cajun chicken burgers are just ridiculously over spiced. I don't taste seasonings just pepper.

I won't buy those again, my face is still tingling, red, but it didn't linger too long.

I probably now, would dump more sauce on it. It's not really enjoyable to eat but I won't discard it. I will finish the rest of the box.

Now is the time, I wish I had cornettos or lollies.. Whether I like the new products or not, it's something out of the ordinary.

I'm actually glad I got a mixture of the healthy and non healthy yoghurt because I'm really craving sugar and chocolate, during this pmt moment.

I'm actually surprised I haven't started my monthly yet. I seem to always need that sugary fix.

I seem to wake up exactly around 10am every day, I kinda wish on the weekends, it would be a bit later but at least I'm getting chunks of sleep.

I think what happens to me, with the insomnia, is that I wake up a lot, but sometimes, it might only be for a few seconds, so I don't notice but it's still broken sleep which means my body is not resting and healing 100%.

#BlogLife1078 - Refreshing rainy joy

Song of the day - When I'm Good and Ready - Sybil

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XYx7zV-IcB4&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=3

I was looking forward to the pasta but now I've lost my appetite. I forgot to mention the UC appointment was smooth, didn't wait that long and it wasn't the usual person.

So no headaches really, I counted my change and had enough for pakoras or pizza and wings but I can't help thinking, save it for emergencies.

Such a strange day, really humid indoors so I didn't walk with a jacket, but it was drizzling lightish with heavy intermissions.

It wasn't cold at all, and pretty funny to see some in jackets, some in shorts, some cowering under shop umbrellas from the light rain.

I decided to wear this top I've never worn, black and white, lace sleeves and flowers I think..

Of course now it's baggy on me but it's nice. I wore a tshirt and a long thin top underneath and I was fine.

The rain was refreshing, I tilted my head upwards because I spent the morning thinking, I want to vomit.

I wonder if I'll get any grocery substitutions? The laptop was going berserk today, it wouldn't stay on the page.

I'm not tired but my body would love to lay down and do nothing.

If I put the blankie on, I think I would suffocate unfortunately. I think the binaurals numbed me or lessened the pain.

I ended up dancing as I was putting away the groceries, it all came and as I peeled off the burger sauce lid and tasted it.....

Boom it took me back to my childhood vacationing in Iceland.

That so-called mustard sauce I was introduced too, but reassured I would love, was indeed a burger sauce, so mystery solved.

Mustard is strong and bitter.

The sauce I bought.. It's too sweet, sharp but not in too bad a way, less sugar would help, but it is nice.

The other brand is less sugary, Hellman's maybe? I am so sleepy and my eyes have this glue thing happening.

Foggy and blurry, the eye drops are not helping. They are just dry.

Well I had a late night but I was shattered and I think I fell asleep quicker than normal.

I got up at 10am which is perfect, my body feels less strained. I think the pain has all gone, thankfully.

Rest and the binaurals worked, I played them all day and although, it didn't seem it did much...

It probably worked like an invisible massage. I'm so relieved I did the grocery shopping yesterday, so I could sleep in today.

We didn't have rain for ages and now it's sprinkling off and on, glorious :)

#BlogLife1077 - Officially voluntarily sick

Song of the day - Azizam - Ed Sheeran

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLOndf14-v0&list=WL&index=81

I went against my better judgement and thought I was helping to support a fellow Listener.

I know what it's like to be confused or overwhelmed. It seemed straightforward and normal..

And then, they thought it was appropriate to share a snippet of a graphic conversation Yuckkk!

What is wrong with you? One it's supposed to be confidential, you don't repeat private chats..

Two, What do you want from me? To say, yea go ahead, enjoy it.

Cripes you're supposed to be a Listener, not a pervert! Neutral, you listen and support!

Ick. I am so grossed out!

Yuck, yuck, yuck. Ok time to calm down and wash my eyes and brain out and forget that icky chat.

They apologised and I know why they have a low rating, probably using being a Listener to flirt or have inappropriate adult conversations...

Anyway whatever I will not be partaking of any messages anytime soon.

I just paid my rent and heaven help them if they mentioned false arrears again......

The charge was £641.11 and that seems to align with what they've told me and UC. Well sorta...

I had 2x possible amounts listed. Oh and now I know what the repayment fee is, each month £50, a bit ouchy but could have been way worse..

Funny they know my expenses but haven't cancelled the £34 deduction from having a lot of savings, which is depleted now..

At least I'm doing ok, there is enough for bills and groceries. I'm almost out of food.

I'm hormonally really hungry, so eating more. I'm still going to wait and order groceries for Thursday.

Tomorrow is the UC appointment (Wednesday). I'm going to make a chicken sandwich toastie but I never put everything under the grill at the same time.

The rolls are quick to toast, the chicken takes about 10 minutes.

Ha, I've got no mayo or butter and a very bloated tum.

Just got back home and I just have this feeling because I was bending a bit, my shoulders, back, feet are really tender.

I thought sod it, Iceland had same day delivery with no charge and I have a feeling after the pasta, later I'll be hungry so there's nothing indoors, might as well have it come today.

It's still early and bright but I hope G delivers it in bags, my back is screaming in agony and more bending is just going to cripple me.

Plus carrying to the kitchen and unpacking, really not ideal, I just want a takeout..

But I don't wanna starve so it's just necessary. Oh strange thing happened.

I found the bread knife, it was stuck under the cutlery drawer thingy...

Then I lost the protein tablets for the lens, I found them again so I can do it tonight.

I decided to try Absolutely Saucesome burger sauce. It's £2.25 for a 1 litre bottle, so seems value for money, the reviews are good.

I'm trying not to move because every time I do, painful twinge occurs.

I brought back song of the day, I don't know what I was watching and this song came up. I googlied it.

At first I wasn't sure I liked it and then, after a few times, I thought Yea I do.

#BlogLife1076 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 27 - Fairly Legal

This is actually a cute lil show, only two seasons sadly, about a lawyer/mediator, dealing with a messy, still in love but upcoming separation/divorce..

Being a workaholic, having a step Mama/boss, a flirty colleague, which I'm not a fan of him, I prefer her ex.

A cool bestie assistant that's a straight shooter but he's loyal, who seems her only friend aside from her brother.

And the death of her Papa. She wants to see the good in people.

I didn't really understand their relationship, the closer the divorce, the closer they became.

They both seemed to need each other, professionally and personally but she sorta pushed him away and then he confessed he cheated and before that, said I kinda wish I'd never met you, I mean ouchy.

I know, we all know, whoever they start off, they rarely end up together, so a break was imminent.

I'm still holding out for a reconciliation. They suit each other, balance each other out.

I wonder if it will be a cliffhanger ending like Benson?

Something that was on my mind, was the potential of her ex hubby's office being bugged and the thought never occurred?

By his rival boss? They had a private conversation at work and suddenly his boss knows? Aren't you curious, how he found out?

Nope and then you continue to have more sketchy chats in your office, weird to me.

I'm not really keen on her using people, even if it's to benefit someone deserving.

You don't really see her appreciative thank yous. Send someone a bottle or take them out to dinner, don't continue to play them, just because they have a soft spot for you.

That's called selfish manipulation.

Ugh I'm not going to get my wish, so they are back sleeping together but are not trying to reconcile, which is sad..

She gonna choose the idiot colleague instead.. Ugh..

I'm not happy with the pre ending, the ex did fight for her and she's pretending she's happy with him

But why isn't she? I can only think it's because he cheated and somehow doesn't trust him to really be there and stay..

The colleague said, I know why you went back to him, instead of a date with me, it's because he's safe and we are uncertain and you can't control it...

I just think the colleague isn't right and that's why she'll eventually pick him for real because it has an expiry date.

Her ex that is real, that you have to work on and compromise and mature...

She seems content to be a child sadly. Ugh not liking her behaviour.

Her ex surprises her, even though he has an early start, instead of her saying, right I hear you, appreciate this fantastic night..... Let's leave so you're refreshed tomorrow..

She's like yea, keep drinking, let's keep partying. Does she only care about herself and men fawning over her shallowness?

Seems so...  I knew I'd hate the ending, she broke up with her ex and the fact she kept repeating....

I know you think I'm scared and just running away.... I thought you so are chickening out!!

It's pathetic. She didn't get on with her step Mama, but ending up staying with her, rent free, probably no chores, no grocery shopping and at first they were not close..

But why didn't she stay with her brother? Probably because he left or was written out....

But a grown woman, you can't go apartment hunting? Get a car?

You're just relying on your assistant to chauffeur you like a brat? Irritated me.

For the most part, I did enjoy it, but her pattern of selfish behaviour, got grating.

Treat others with respect, the world doesn't revolve around your needs and figure out what you want, instead of continually hurting others because it's not right.

And I know blah blah, it's just a show but still.... Ha, what will the next binge be???

#BlogLife1075 - A touch of lemon?

I think just before 5pm, the Garnier lemon face wash trio arrived, secured in bubble wrap.

Hmm, I sniffed it in the bottle and it doesn't really have a scent. There wasn't much on offer unfortunately.

Amazon has a nasty habit of hiding items, when you search from low to high, so you typically have to keep it at featured products, aka premium priced..

Anyway I could have gotten something I've used before or this trio for just over £4 I think it was.

But I like trying new things so I will chance it and let you know how it performs.

Then tomorrow/today the fan and the body butters will get here, hopefully in the morning, it's so draining wearing layers but I like to cover up.

Although I thought sod it and answered the door in a long long top.

Normally they drop it off anyhow and he was there, all friendly lol.

Good job I epilated my legs for the first or second time this year, there's not much hair remaining, nearly all permanently gone.

I think I'm bloated, hungry but not hungry so I just cooked some veggy spring rolls to snack on.

I'm mainly drinking ice water. The only bad thing about having a full freezer, the icebox on top is too packed to put my water bottles in overnight.

Even the ice poles haven't solidified yet and it's been 8 hours. I'm going to get more water and refill the water bottles so I don't run out of cold drinks.

Ugh when will this heatwave end? Oh someone said if you hang out wet items in the room, it's supposed to help cool the air?

I got to test that theory, I've forgotten if it's works. I do have laundry to do!

A thought occurred to me but I don't think I could be a damsel in distress, I could have asked G or one of the couriers to open a jar, but what if they refused?

Cringey.....

Strange so the body butters are coming with Evri couriers and the fan is coming by Amazon, very odd, it's normally bundled together.

At least I can relax, after they get here, please be in the morning, so convenient..

Oof what a mess the Amazon deliveries were. I literally couldn't wait anymore, to get a drink, munchies, a few minutes in the kitchen....

Then I return and see Oh we missed you, problem, we'll try again.....

You had all that time but seriously I never heard anything that sounded like the buzzer.

I'm not even sure he rang it, or just a short time. Well if you want to carry around my body butters, so be it.

Very annoying, last time the redelivery took days.. Pfft.

The Minthouz fan was stalled, it said You're next and then seemed like 30 minutes of nothingness.....

I thought Hmm, you're butt is going backwards, You're lost, here it comes, failed delivery again...

So I just rolled my eyes and waited and then boom, You're next again, about half an hour later..

It was delivered yay. I don't know if the steady red light means, it's charging, or it's fully charged?

I left it for about an hour I think and Yes, finally a fast charger one!!

It seems pretty powerful and sturdy on the lowest setting so that's good.

It's nearly 7.40pm so I'll try and count how long it lasts, while the other charges up.. 16 hours it was.

Wow and it was a mixture of the lowest setting and the second one. Maybe 3 or 4 altogether, quite impressed.

Ah interesting, it wasn't even fully charged and lasted that long, just stuck it on the charger and the red light is just on..

Maybe when it's ready, the light will come off? After 5 hours, the red light is still on, I gave up, I got other stuff to charge and only 1 fast charger.

I don't know if I should risk the older one, it always falls and breaks...

But night time is so horribly stuffy and I can't sleep... It's a dilemma for sure...

I had a lil panic, I threw the new fan on the bed and the top came off, Are you kidding me???

Broken already?? Ugh..... But turns out the face is removable and I had to twist it back into the lock position..

I didn't know that I was a feature, but yay, not broken.

Well Saturday afternoony is here and I am starving, this time, no kitchen, no water, no food..

I just waited 11.30am - 1.30pm for the Evri courier and just before 1pm he showed.

The sandwiches are cooking, I grabbed snacks and here is my initial verdict on the body butters....

It's not a body butter, it's thinner, not thick, I actually do like the smell, it's like a pudding or like a chocolate/vanilla custard cakey?

It's familiar but I can't place it. The reason for body butters, the legitimate ones..

Is because my elbows crack quite badly and a thick luxurious butter temporarily soothes it.

I'll still see how it performs, maybe it won't matter being thin and light???

Come on food, hurry up and cook....

After checking my elbows the next day, it's not completely healed but it's half moisturised...

So although it's not thick, it's better than a lotion. I kinda feel, it's just something that needs to be applied to my skin, a few times a day, to keep on top of dryness.

But at least I don't regret getting it, it's just a slower process to soothe irritated dehydrated skin.

And a hell of a lot nicer than the yucky wax scent, American Dream had, ick..

I'm hoping they last well into next year. Would I get it again? Umm...

Maybe only if it was on a special offer again, full price? Hmm there is probably better quality out there.

#BlogLife1074 - Didn't think I'd be spending..

Well I got some unexpected Amazon vouchers and the last of the body butters are done now..

What did I used to pay for one? £5/6? For a 500ml tub.. Something like that..

I can't get comfy with the heat, so decided to get another fan, that's £17 ouchy but should last years..

Then miraculously I saw 3x 500ml Xbc Xpel body butters for £6.27.... Madness, I had to get it.

I'm not keen on cocoa butter or the smell but the reviews are good and maybe.. Maybe it will work?

For that price, I'm not getting it cheaper, plus this is fun money credit, it's not from my own pocket.

Lastly 3x 50ml lemon Garnier face washes so at least it has to be scented for £4.07, so the same price as one big 150ml one.

And Amazon offered me Prime, just like that... No refreshing the page, so no postage costs!!

I saved maybe just under a fiver on that, which is still good and then with the body butters about £12.

They are due tomorrow and Friday, easy peasy. I had intended to save for whatever, gifts typically..

But I think I deserve this pamper treat, which I didn't expect to give myself...

I know I need a moisturiser and a mud mask and some slippers...

But the mask seems too indulgent for right now anyway.. The washes aren't out for delivery yet.

They did ask if I wanted it altogether and I should have done that for tomorrow because I'm not in a hurry but I thought they might all come today..

But that's fine. It says delivery by Amazon and I can't remember if sometimes they still outsource it to Royal Mail, the local courier?

Anyway just unpacked the shopping, it's horrible getting up early, but G seems to work those shifts so I'm happy not to be straining my back.

Everything was there but instead of 1 chicken pasta and 1 beef tagliatelle, I got 2x chicken, I actually don't mind that ha.

They didn't call it a substitution though. It could have been a mistake, but I quite like that one, so no issue..

I'm not sure I can resist both until Wednesday but I'll see..

I'm hoping the description for the fan is accurate. I can't be certain but why would I buy regular charge and not fast?

I think the previous ones were misleading, claiming to be fast and in reality, regular.

It takes my current one about 3 hours to power up, sometimes longer. Hmm I guess I'll find out tomorrow..

It's supposed to have an insanely long battery life, 25hrs and unfortunately I do find you have to pay more for the fans to get a decent one.

Others, after a few hours conk out and then takes a few hours to charge while you are sweltering.

I put the heating on so it is boiling and of course the fan won't be charged for probably 2 hours as it's just the regular not usb c.

This is why I need a spare. I already feel tired but now drained too but at least it lasts all day and it's not even dead when I switch it off at night..

I'm already experiencing pmt symptoms, the nausea is making my tum unsettled.

Ugh the water bottle I got about half an hour ago, is warm already.

Luckily I put some in the freezer, they just need slight defrosting.

I'll eat later when I'm hungry and I've finished the UC stuff.

Fishy croissants, yum. There was a software update, I wonder if they've messed anything up?

The phone freezes more after the last update.

#BlogLife1073 - Failing at the simplest tasks...

Well..... As exciting as it appeared, things didn't work out with my nemesis the salsa jar.

I knew it would be a challenge to open with weak pained hands but not this bad...

Yeesh, tried with a towel, tried tapping, trying jamming it with a scissors, my bread knife has disappeared...

Then under a hot tap, leaving it upside down.... Nothing, nothing, nothing, not even loosened.

So I give up and will bin because every time I pass it, I keep laughibly trying to open it and it's wrecking my hands too much.

It is my own fault, I know jars are my enemy and yet I still bought it, waste of money, but it is what it is.

It largely appealed to me, so obviously can't do a review because I can't get to it.

I was looking forward to trying the cucumbers with it. I'm sure it would have been nice maybe?

Oh well, instead I had the cucumbers with cheese and it was great.

I'm actually stuffed from that lil snack. I thought I was really hungry.

I have been drinking a lot though, this horrible, humid weather is sapping my strength.

At least the good thing about having so many options, I'm not bored with the sandwich concoctions, actually I should have more rolls as I'm out of them..

It's Wednesday afternoony and at times I add to random posts and this was half done.

My stomach has been grumbling for food but it still seemed early.

The next minute I look at the time and it's 2pm. Oops. I was just booking a grocery order for tomorrow morning.

How am I staying cool during the heatwave? I'm not. I have icy water. That helps for a second.

I have a cooling mist I spray on my body from the fridge, that lasts a few minutes and then goes warm, ugh.

I have a mini fan, which does help, but the higher I have it, the longer it takes to charge..

Night time, is just too hot. I can't open the windows because they are as big as doors and it's a security risk.

I just hope it will pass soon. The UK is famous for rain, where is that??

I kinda just realised I have a lot of change and could get pakoras but should I save it for emergencies?

At the end of the month, I'm going to see exactly how much is being deducted to pay the fine each month...

Also will the scamming landlord overcharge me again? Ugh...

I shouldn't keep looking at the Wattpad stats but not that I expect to burst into popularity..

Because they are different from the smoother norm of really good writers....

But I always wonder if they will generate interest and I think now, they've all had reads and the children's story..

Paloma's Holiday Hijinks actually got a like, that pleased me.

I think my struggle is, how do I compose normal standard healthy relationships, when I haven't experienced it?

Does my voice sound authentic because sometimes it is pure fiction and I don't know if it's realistic thoughts and conversations...

How do I know what that is like? How they should be feeling or reacting?

That inner critic still says it's all boring!

#BlogLife1072 - The next steps?

I woke up and went back to sleep and then it was 10amish so perfect time to get up, not too early, not too late.

I got myself sorted, braced myself and called DWP and thought, here we go....

Rudeness, talking down to me, asking a million questions, just swallow your emotions, let the bullies do their thing and you have a conscience, they do not.

You are respectful, they are not. Anyway on hold for ages it seemed and then yay it didn't cut me off.

And for once, he was actually decent and helpful, he barely asked anything apart from the security spiel to prove my identity.

Name, phone number, etc. Goodness why do my eyes decide to burn and water when I'm trying to see and write??

Anyway I thought he was going to ask my balances, bank and paypal and then my monthly expenses and then negotiate a structure.....

But they know all that and for once, didn't pretend they didn't. He just said, we're not going to do a direct debit scheme for you.

What we will do, is deduct a small portion slowly over time, from the amount you owe us, from your monthly UC payments every month.

(That's exactly what Mama predicted would happen actually).

I literally thought they would demand an immediate part amount from my card and then I'd pay them weekly from my savings.

I was so panicked about, how will I pay the bills, pay for food, if they do that???

But it's done. I've taken responsibility. I've done what I could, all those times, she said.....

Oh you're not co-operating.. I felt sick to my stomach, that her impression, however bias, would go into some report...

Like she's the worst person ever, she's not helping herself, she's not providing the information....

So fine the hell out of her and send her to jail..... Two years of that stress, really did a number on me.

All I have ever wanted to do is be decent and helpful and support myself.

She painted me as a self serving monster. I cannot even stop crying.

I think I'm going to be weepy for a while. I'm not a bad person but yes I have made mistakes.

I've just tried to do my best and have a lil safety net. I'm so glad it's Friday.

I'm not supposed to be writing but here I am..

I'm wondering if now, a big source of my unhappiness has been contained.....

Will I feel like working on the stories? Will I have the strength to give a part of myself away?

Because in everything I create, a part of me is involved and I just have had nothing to give...

It's just me against the world, fighting for my honour, fighting to express myself, fighting to survive...

The more I think about the more lost and angrier I become.

Growing up I was petrified to stick up for myself and fight back and I beat myself up about being a pathetic weakling..

And with her, it was the same thing, I didn't speak my mind. I didn't have the courage to shout back at her or defend myself.

I don't know if I respect myself anymore. Suppressing so much of myself...

Letting someone else, yet again take control of my peace and happiness.

Just having no voice. How do I forgive myself for that?

I am empty!

I think I still need time to heal. I'm too raw. I've been through a lot.

It's not a simple thing to just get over. Part of me would like to step away from the blog and volunteering....

But I think I like it too much, it's an auto pilot thing, wake up write, ignore the pain...

Log on, volunteer, support others, crumble inside......

Oof today's foodie concoction was so good. Egg mayonnaise, cheese, cod burger, yumm.

I'm still trying to get the salsa tub jar open, no joy... My knife has disappeared..

Got to try running hot water over it.. I've no patience right now..

#BlogLife1070 - Chatty Chicks Watching Flicks 26 - Mistresses

Umm I'm feeling really sore today, typing is painful, my feet are delicate but the rest of me is good.

I'm rewatching this show. I think for the most part I enjoyed it. I guess 4 main women are the stars.

One is married and just cheated on her hubby after a row and a flirty colleague, paid her attention, obviously to seduce her and she fell for it.

I mean, I get feeling alone in a relationship, vulnerable and upset and frustrated but tanking your whole relationship for a bit of fun??

Doesn't seem worth it. The next female is her flighty, flirty sister, seems to use men to get what she wants and then moves on to the next one.

She doesn't really interest me. The next is a psychiatrist, the most unprofessional one you'll ever meet...

She confuses the hell out of me. Had an affair with her dying patient, then prescribed him the drugs to finish him off..

And instead of cutting ties with the entire family, to keep out of jail and losing your licence...

Instead she cosies up to them. The wifey, being investigated by the life insurance company and the son, who's obsessed with her....

Where is your self preservation? It is nuts! I want to shake sense into her.

All she had to say was, former patients, their notes get shredded to preserve confidentiality.

Now she's faking notes? Good grief, where is your sense?

Lastly the other friend, who is a widow and just found out, her hubby was cheating and had a child and was going to leave her...

I don't get her either, she hasn't requested a dna test, is content to pay them off and she doesn't even know if it's legitimately illegitimate lol.

Yes, so quite messy but interesting. Only 3 are mistresses really..

It's not really spicy, it's just complicated. As the seasons go on, it's irritating, the same mistakes and no growth.

Every time one of them is happy, quick let's sabotage it and be miserable... Ugh...

I just unpacked the groceries and because I'm used to doing that on the weekend, I feel a lil disorientated.

I convinced myself it was Friday or Saturday. I was confused why the bins outside weren't empty.

The trash day is Monday but they come on Fridays, actually, honestly, whenever the hell they feel like it..

Everything was in stock and I've already googlied how to open jars, because the salsa is stuck really tight..

I hate jars but I have to get what is on sale. I wanted to have a lil taste but I'll deal with that and the yucky post later..

I can't say I have an appetite yet, it's only 9amish. Hmmm the fan won't charge and I used it a lot yesterday.

So strange.

Just tried the umm custard jelly thingy combo dessert. It's soo good, very creamy..

I don't miss the trifle-esque cream and sponge cake... It doesn't need it.

By the way it's not morning, I'm flipping between posts and other stuff so it's actually 3pmish ha.

Hmm I finished the series. It annoyed me. One main character up and left vaguely.

The other died and somehow came back ish.. Either stolen identity, amnesia, or some other crap..

I thought at least the one that left would have made a cameo via video but she wasn't really mentioned with significance..

Then the one who got involved with her sister's ex, they didn't seem to fit.

As friends, were besties, as partners, liars...

The last friend, kinda settled with a man-child. All in all unsatisfying.

Anyway now I'm onto Fairly Legal, seems cute.

I had a horrid nights sleep, just couldn't rest. I'm not going to do much, my brain is fried.

The humidity is awful but luckily, the fan is sorta charging and weirdly lasting all day..

Ha tomorrow the bread will be finished too. That was fun though, weird toasties with a filling in-between.

#BlogLife1071 - Double toastie sandwich within a sandwich/ Bullying has ended omg...

Looking at the post, makes me stressied and it's giving me chest pains.

I thought as it's 11amish I would fix brekkie. I was trying to work out, how to get everything into the cheese toastie without it melting or being undercooked..

I took out 2x strips of the turkey rashers, did them for about 6 minutes separately in the oven.

I put the bread and cheese on the panini press and grilled them for 3x minutes I think and I looked at them thinking, I want more than a cheese filling..

So when they were done... I had a clever thought... I put the rashers on top of one side, put the egg mayonnaise on the other side and folded it back to back..

It's really tasty but I'm struggling. I didn't really feel like the cucumbers, I have a feeling I'll end up just having it with the salsa...

Mind you cheese and cucumbers go together nicely, I didn't really think of that..

I will just say the turkey took over everything, I couldn't taste much of the cheese or egg, maybe next time, I'll just put one?

I don't think I'll eat for hours.

I'm slowly going through the mail, it is weird. I'm leaving the brown envelopes for last..

One said, we've tried contacting you to be an investor.... What?? When did I win the lottery?

Nobody told me, good grief, trash, how did they get my details?

The other said we are doing a crime survey in person, let us in to your property......

No way. I actually would have been tempted if it was a phone or online one..

I could have reported the anti social behaviour, postal thefts, attempted break ins..

But I don't want strangers in my home, too unnerving. I don't care if they are the police or akin to that..

Another spam something about a refund on a car, what...? I don't even have a driving licence...

Ok and now to the DWP one... My heart is beating but at least the chest pains have stopped.

My next UC appointment is in a week and a half, I'll post it then.

If I can never have a relaxing time anymore, at least let it be doable, whatever cutthroat instructions she is demanding of me..

Oh my goodness I cannot believe it, after being hounded for what was it? 1 year and a half or 2 years...?

20x months, so yea, it's nearly 2 years.

They have finally made a decision about how much I owe them,

I need to call them and arrangement a repayment schedule thingy.

It really is not as bad as I thought, I mean, yikes, but the amount plus a £50 fine for carelessness about the claim..

But here it is altogether the amount I will repay them is this.. from 10/2/22 to the 2/7/24 is.....

£3041.48...

My brain wondered if it would be £10k or something or more.

Just over £3k. It will take some time. Ok let me call them and set up the repayment schedule.

Unfortunately I can't pay it all back at once. I don't have it.

£200 in paypal and maybe £600 in the bank after the council tax is paid.

Did they actually become human and realise, all that time, I was paying towards the rent, when I should not have been?

Or was it everything I had told them straight about the home abuse and the hospital stay??

Or being long term ill?

Well after all that, they cut me off from being on hold. Pfft if you don't call them in the mornings, you've got no chance.

Tomorrow I will try them again. Omg, it's over. No more witchy phone calls...

No more mocking me. Telling me to go to the bloody library, print out pages and pages, while my legs collapse and my body can barely move..

I can't wait to tell Mama, honestly.... I really hope it's no more £50 a week..

There is something else, which I haven't done, which I could do, which I probably won't....

So because I've had savings, they deducted about £30ish from my entitlement, I could share that isn't the case anymore..

Maybe I will eventually... or Maybe not. I don't really feel like asking them for anything, when I owe them...

Doesn't seem appropriate... But heavens do I feel lighter. I know it's a big debt, the first real one of my life..

The jail thing is still ambiguous... But my worst case scenario didn't come true...

It wasn't over £10k.

I mean she was gunning for me, non stop disrespecting me, squeezing the life out of me. Making me out to be a party girl socialite, spending endlessly..

Pfft yea right... The statements tell it all, bills and food..

I am in shock. I know I'll truly feel better when it's paid off. But this has been hanging over me for so long.

I was so depressed, so drained, questioning whether life was worth living anymore?

I'm still worried about the future expenses...... But strangely it seems almost manageable.

I can't believe one ill mannered bully is finally gone.. She took so much delight in torturing me for over a year..

Oh I'm going to close your Paypal......... No you can't just email it to me as a file......

Oh you want an extension....... (Condescending tone).

Oh answer these questions............ Answer the same questions.....     And then more, that I already know but I want to see you suffer!!!

Send me this, send it again, send it again. I don't care if you're ill or the buses aren't working....

I almost collapsed so many times..........

You have until this deadline...... Or you face prosecution...

On and on and always with this rude tone, that I had to be polite too........ 

Just like at home, don't argue, don't talk back or face being hit......

When am I allowed to fight for myself?

For fear that she would spitefully send me to jail or bump up the fine or both...... And she knew it and loved every second of it.

The only saving grace was that I got to tell my reality. Growing up in fear, supporting myself...

What a bully!!!!! You know funnily enough, if she didn't enjoy being so nasty for 20 months...

She could have had the whole damn thing in one go..... All £3k in one beautiful payment....

But now it will be slowly for however long it takes..

I'm not ready to stop writing, I don't know why... I'm not ready to let go of the anger.

One sibling bully reporting me to another government bully and me being vulnerable, helpless and slowly just driven out of my sanity...... 

All over again.

I really really hate not having an expression. No power..... No strength and no way to shield myself...

Defenceless. I may need some time to recover..

#BlogLife069 - Too chicken to talk?

I had a strong strong feeling something was up... I knew my instincts were correct.

The problem with projecting that you're cocky, is that eventually someone will come around and challenge you..

So L/J went so so quiet, when I brought up the voice chat, I gave discord as an option..

But he was panicking. I can tell, he wasn't talking and he's chatty, maybe more so than me.

I eventually, got tired of the games. All he had to say was that, he wasn't comfortable or he had changed his mind..

But the fact he wasn't saying anything, really put me off him. I mean coming across as some confident and self assured guy and 1 chat, makes you a complete mess?

Oh purlease. So I said calmly, if you don't want a voice chat, that's fine, I'll move on to someone else.

Then he started this whole bs conversation... What do I really want? Oh that's a shame, Oh don't threaten me, let's not fall out..

You won't find it easy to find someone like me.... Ha so I said randoms are easily replaceable and not to message me again.

I wanted to add, good luck replacing me, but I didn't. I thought I would try to be humble for once, ha.

But I'm just being honest and expressing my needs. A mixture of online chat and a voice chat is something I will eventually do.

It doesn't have to mean swapping numbers, discord has a call feature and you tap it and it uses your wifi I think, simple.

Now the real reason I eventually like to have a live chat, is because, it is so much harder to hide your personality.

You have to think on your feet and make the conversation flow and a lot of men can't do that.

He should have just said, I don't do calls, I'm more a texter and that would have raised concerns too.

But he was making out like a call was simple and he was willing.

What did he think I would forget about it? Too funny.

Sorry but chickens don't appeal to me. I like truly confident men.

I will bet money, that the next time he is on, he will message me like normal and pretend everything is fine.

To which I will ignore him. Ugh my nails keep chipping and now they are really short.

I just booked the Iceland order for tomorrow. There's this jelly and custard thingy, without the trifle cream or cake, looked fun.

Plus the mayonnaise is nearly done and I wanted some sort of flavourful dip to hold the sandwiches together..

I settled on Old El Paso mild salsa dip, it was between that and the guacamole.

But avocado dips rarely taste like avocado, so it's off-putting. I looked at the salsa ingredients, onion, garlic, green peppers, lemon, paprika and oregano..

Which all sounds great, what a blend. Actually aside from hummus or the garlic and onion..

I would have got tzatziki, which is garlic, lemon, cucumber, dil and olive oil but I would bypass that.

I'll let you know what I think of the salsa, if it's in stock, if not I'm screwed..

#BlogLife1068 - What are you trying to see?

A very noisy morning is happening. Ahh, have they finally stopped banging?

That's all I've heard for 2 hours, thud thud thud.. Luckily I was already awake, gently stirring.

Ugh my lens are all blurry because they were stinging and my eyes were watering so now it's hard to see.

I don't want to take them out, maybe eye drops will fix it? Actually that did help.

The carrot drops, or at least that is what I am calling them, are quite refreshing.

It's the first ever time, I've had scented drops, so unusual but whatever is reasonable gets my vote.

But it seems like too much of a luxury item, not strictly essential but really useful.

Anyway a thought just occurred to me, for the most part 7 Cups, doesn't have many confrontational people.

I mean yes some are straight talkers and I don't mind that, others are Yes people that will blatantly agree with you and the next person with a differing opinion...

I have to roll my eyes at that. Anyway at least I can at times, speak my mind and not argue but say, well my perspective is different..

And I'm not saying I'm right, this is how I see it, is all. I'm thinking for the weekend and next week, toasties and burgers will be the theme.

Eggs, turkey rashers, cod, beef and cheese. I'll just vary it, each day.

The weather can still be on the cold side and I'm not sure, if I should get some onion bhajis and plonk it somewhere, to be extravagant?

I prefer pakoras but Iceland doesn't sell them. I was thinking of getting the roast beef slices but it's only in a 3x pack and I need more than that.

You know what would be weird? To really vary the taste and add something like pasta or rice...

I don't want to get bored having the same thing, maybe the salad will make it tasty enough, providing I can budget it in..

I'm trying to factor in the special offers. I give up, my eyes are foggy again, I took them out and now they are watering.

A tip I would recommend is closing your eyes and with your fingertips rubbing on the drops that way.

Sometimes it helps and doesn't make your eyes even more watery.

I feel like it's the humidity in the air, it's still cold but warm at the same time.

And it's giving me a headache. Finally my eyes have settled so I can see the page in front of me, much clearer.

The newish random L, real name J (ugh really)? I think we've been talking for a few weeks it seems and ha, we just swapped names.

Yesterday we were talking about a call, either over discord or on the phone but it was late so he recorded a message and sent it and it was pleasant, a slight accent..

Don't ask me which, I'm bad at that, maybe Northern? I've no idea.

Phone calls help to discover their essence, what they are really like, I told him I've no wish for meets, which makes me wonder if he's really single.

Paranoid me actually thought he was one of the blocked guys, but his voice is different, so that's reassuring.

Oh forgot to confess, downloaded this messenger app thingy for a random RL..

It's called Sessions, quite buggy, doesn't always notify of new messages, can't connect calls..

If you try to download it on your phone, it asks you to scan a code or insert a recovery password, which you were never given sooo...... I don't recommend it.

Use Whatsapp if you must, I think that was the smoothest one I've ever used, but it's up to you.

Oh and discord for the most part for voice calls, gets my vote too.

You just pick a username and I totally forgot because I have a Chromebook laptop I can install on the computer.

I only did it for a voice chat, which didn't even work. He heard me and I didn't hear him, which was strange to me.

He kept blaming my settings.. Anyway, the hilarious thing, was that he ghosted me lol.

Three days and nothing so uninstalled it. I can't be bothered with timewasters.

Confessions over, that's it for today :)