#BlogLife107 - Goodbye T

I told you that I wanted a break to get my head right well that was partly true but the other thing I was thinking about was I think it's time to part ways.

It's nothing that was said or done specifically, it's the circumstances. It always made me a lil uneasy. You gave me the space I needed and I'm grateful for that but I've just blocked your number because I want to move forwards.

You were great company and we had a good laugh together. It was convenient for both of us and you brightened up many a dull day. Thank you for your sweet and caring friendship :)

However it feels a bit murky blurring the lines between friendship and whatever the other thing was. I couldn't quite text you all of this..

I'm no good at speeches, it was difficult enough to say I was going radio silent for a while but here it is. I don't know if you are still following the posts but there is no doubt, this one is for you.

I won't change my mind and I did warn you in the beginning that it would only be a temporary acquaintanceship. I have a feeling you suspected I wouldn't reconnect.

I'm sure you'll forgive me and understand why I didn't say goodbye properly..

It's far too awkward and I don't want to drag it on. I wish you all the best and do take care. Don't work too hard and find a better balance so that stress doesn't eat you alive.

Farewell T

-X-

#BlogLife106 - Crazy Self Therapy 5

Hey Doc, I'm back. It's been a few months and it's the same up and downess it always is but I'm just tired of it. I feel like my back is up and I am once more cautious.

It just seems like the danger comes from people I know rather than strangers. I should be able to trust and rely on them but I cannot.

I am so sick and tired of building my self esteem up, only for someone to come and walk all over me again as though I am nothing in their eyes!

It's like I stand up straight and puff out my chest and finally start feeling good about myself and my accomplishments and someone just points at me and sneers..

Or worse still they treat me as though I don't matter and are not worth their time. I am struggling once more to feel happy about myself.

Every single time I encourage myself to open up and give a piece of me away, it's just treated with contempt.

What on earth is the point of trying to connect or trusting someone or trying at all when I get the same feedback??

I need to regroup and strengthen my high walls again because I am at the point where I believe them again.

What if they are right about me?

What if it really is better that I don't communicate?

What if I am a nobody?

What if my words, insights, feelings and thoughts are inconsequential and are not worth caring about?

Alright you shared a lot today and that was commendable but here is my take on it. I understand why you are feeling this way.

We have been through a long tough road together and the different pitfalls of all your combined family/friends/romantic relationships haven't always been healthy..

However I still maintain we have made significant progress on that front. There have been times, where you have made the effort and it has paid off.

Do what you need to get back to feeling worthwhile but in the meantime, just think carefully before you burn all of your bridges.

Either way I am on your side and will support any decision you make. It is acceptable to cry. Everyone is devalued at times and it is part of life to feel lost and alone.

Although nobody has the right to make you feel that way! Before we end this session, you are going to list your highlights in front of me.

1. Composed a book all by myself and then completed it.

2. Had a dream and book 2 was born and I am writing it out.

3. Started volunteering and I reach people that at times, others do not.

4. Experimented with a lot of platforms until I found a home on Blogger.

5. Learned to cut and style my own hair.

6. Took a chance and let others in and made friends/acquaintances.

7. Transitioned into a healthier state by becoming a teetotalist. Avoiding excess salt/sugar and trying out more vegan/vegetarian alternatives.

8. Removed toxic/wishy-washy people from my life.

9. Winning fabulous prizes in competitions ranging from Money/Giftcards/Mobiles/Premiere Tickets/Hampers.

10. Saving a fortune by bargain hunting, negotiating and product testing high quality items that I get to keep and benefit from using.

11. Prioritising my safety by avoiding physical/emotional situations that involve bullies and danger.

12. Surviving everything that I have been through and continue to battle. PTSD, health, confidence crisis, verbal attacks, belittling and being ignored.

You're right Doc, I feel a whole lot better! I am a somebody and although I may not be conventionally normal. I am a smart, tough cookie who can make it through anything!

:)

#BlogLife105 - The flirty ride home

It's weird how I can open up to some people straight away and others I remain closed off from either permanently or just to begin with.

When I got into the cab from mama's I usually just take the cues from them, some are chatty and other's prefer not to talk. I don't mind either but at least when someone is engaged, I feel less panicky.

My PTSD triggers can occur anytime but usually it is when I am dreaming or outdoors. That is why I use talking or listening to music as a coping mechanism.

At first he started off quietly so I didn't think anything of it and was just playing games on my phone and then he just became more chatty.

Actually flirty and friendly. I was telling him that was my mama seeing me off and helping with the bags and that we were just celebrating and he was surprised that she looked so youthful for her age.

I just told him that it is good genes. This family just ages well, without wrinkles and visible signs, except on our scalps. As expected the follow up question is always heritage based.

Where is she from? I sometimes give a complete answer and other times, give the vague version. I just get annoyed when someone has assumed my identity just by looking at me.

If you are just assuming facts about me. I can't be bothered to correct you. You just seem ignorant to me but if you ask me, then I might be more inclined to share.

I told him and he was surprised as they usually are and said Oh I want to marry someone from there and what is your ideal type of guy?

I was just laughing thinking, strange how I am sitting back here, thinking he preferred not communicating with my optional face mask still plastered on my face so it's half hidden with no makeup on.

Then suddenly he's being kinda charming? I guess. I didn't mind because the distraction is useful and the drive is a bit of a trek.

Plus I was feeling off balance. I just felt like by my mama praising all those people that I didn't like and who treated me shamefully..

She was reinforcing their disgusting behaviour. Basically saying all that happened to me was acceptable because she looked up to them and admired them so they couldn't be imperfect.

I felt quite low actually and a bit teary. I maintained my composure but admitting out loud that I couldn't wait to go home and be at peace was sad.

Shouldn't my visit have been uplifting and care-free? I am just reminded that my relationship with my parents has and always will be shaky.

#BlogLife104 - Embracing my hair's age

As I was lounging and drying my hair, I was thinking about what to talk about. I was putting away my clothes that had dried, wrapping up a call and then I was looking in the mirror to see if all of my hair was dry.

Before I showered/bathed I trimmed 2/3 inches off. I was supposed to do it at mama's but I completely forgot. I avoided snipping her hair in case I messed it up but actually it was easy.

Her hair looked thicker and a sunny rainbow of colours. Yellowy, red, brunette and black. She's been obsessed with covering her greys for ages.

However I know all that colouring has also drastically thinned her hair. I was looking at my own scalp and reminiscing about when I was younger and how thick, long and utterly boring it was.

Yes it was healthy, yes there was an abundance of it but it was so dull, no matter how I tried to layer, perm, colour and style it. It was just so ordinary.

I did try going to stylists and saying I have seen this inspirational cut, can you recreate it? All of them nodded and none of them were talented enough to follow through.

It seemed like back then I only cut my hair a few times a year and each time I did, they hacked off an unflattering amount. 5/6 inches worth and I was back to square one, regrowing it.

Nowadays, well for a while now. I try to cut it at least monthly or even every other month at the very least. I take off the same amount, 2/3 inches but this time it is as though, my hair was never cut because there is so much more length remaining.

I'm happy that I have options now. My hair never used to curl at all and now I can have it wavy or straight. I do possess grey hairs at the front of my head and my scalp is slightly visible but so be it.

I'm not a celebrity. I'm just an ordinary woman that is ageing naturally therefore I am not going to dye it. If I ever see the amazing henna shampoo again, I would try it though.

It's funny how people in the media, makes these rules up so much so that others believe them. If you're voluptuous, you can't pull off thin brows or have a short hairdo....

Newsflash I can do both and still look adorably chic. I am making my own rules so don't waste your time dictating about what is best for me or my body.

I got it handled :)

Before I forget, my elbows have healed up, the rest from not lounging on them worked. I lavished them with body butter and they are cured.

Also for the first time I tried out Burt's Bees lip balm and my lips have stopped chapping. I always heard good things but I never tried it before. I recommend it.

#BlogLife103 - Emotional/Physical pain threshold

I am due to return back home sometime tomorrow (Sunday). Talking to my mama, reminiscing about life is always a strange concept because she rarely admits how paralysing her behaviour was/is.

We discussed passed acquaintances and family who saw us as beneath them. Yet she still wouldn't admit she was wrong when she made me forgive those that harassed me to such a point I retreated inwards.

She readily confessed that she herself was handled poorly by people but hasn't learned that she was guilty of doing that to me and still does it.

I was hoping she would finally realise her mistake that she shouldn't be constantly waiting for me to make an error so she can jump on me and berate me over and over for it.

I'm happy to admit it and rectify it, I just don't need every flaw thrown back in my face. I wish she would see that standing up for oneself is justified.

Does Christianity mean you have to be a doormat? Even before she was religious, she didn't stand up for herself at all so her lesson for me, was...

Let me destroy your belief in yourself and allow everybody else to do it also without any arguments or interruptions or any way to counter their points.

Hang around those destructive people because they are family and they deserve your affection and kindness and you cannot ever say anything mean or refuse to talk to them.

This is why I don't like people. Even after having matured and my confidence spiked upwards, there are still judgements and kernels of hate towards me.

I saw it a lot from family, to relatives, to close friends whose inequality I was supposed to accept and be grateful that I got any attention from.

I saw it from men that tried to control me and take over my mind. They wanted me to devote myself to them even though they were cheating or saying I don't want to commit to you but I demand all your time.

I have someone else in my life, girlfriend/wife/fiance/interchangeable women.. Oh you didn't know?

Well now you do and I prioritise them over you, even though I don't really care about them but to me, you are still not someone I can show affection for. 

Don't you think you should dress better? Try to impress me, even though I don't take you anywhere special? Don't you think you should wear makeup because your skin isn't perfect?

Don't you think you should weigh less because my last girlfriend was really slim and she looked better than you do. I'll tell you what, I'll help you and if I see you eating something I don't approve of, I'll forbid you and make you feel bad.

I mean it was that kind of thing, being attacked from all sides. As for the physical side of my symptoms. I know that bending will keep letting the pain build up until my back locks up.

I know that not sleeping or taking naps will make the pain increase earlier in the day. I know that by staying in a sitting position, the pain spreads more easily.

I do know that for the last couple of days I managed to get a couple hours of sleep at least, so no pain at the moment, just bloatedness and slight irritability.

I get mama easy convenient gadgets for the home and she always dismisses them but then I turn around and she has bought something more complicated and I struggle to use it.

It annoys me frankly. I thought the whiskey stones would be cute and simple because every time I come here, the drinks are warm.

It is basically rocks that you keep in the freezer and keep your drinks cool without diluting them, they don't contain alcohol.

They are just aimed at alcohol drinkers who don't want their booze watered down. They were okay but took ages to get cold and didn't work as well as I had hoped.

She gave them away so I thought okay, I'll just give her, the easiest ice tray possible, big chunky blocks which don't need prying out....

She said No. I don't have any use for that. I sighed and rolled my eyes. Now she has got the most awkward ice tray ever, with the tiniest cubes that get stuck.

I cannot even open it or get the ice out. It makes me feel weak but using that, strains my hands. 

She over buys food and keeps the fridge and freezer stocked to the brim but anytime I open something she complains it isn't immediately consumed.

I want to scream, what is wrong with you? She wouldn't dare do this to anyone else, that is why she bugs me but tomorrow I shall go home to my empty cupboards and fridge/freezer and later on have an Iceland order appear......

Bliss, no headaches. I know it's her place and I am grateful for hanging out but I am physically/emotionally raw. I want to go back home to my safe place where there are no more attacks.

Goodbye for now emotional abuser. I won't miss you as much as I once did because you continue to make me feel demoralised, unlovable and insignificant as a human being.

I realised last night that you continue to praise and defend those that made me feel disrespected and you see no issue with that whatsoever.

But me, you are quick to harp on about my failings and shortcomings to further let me sink in despair. I'm just content with being sarcastic back to you because you are content with talking over me and making me feel I should stay quiet.

You never listen and yet, you always demand to be heard. I guess you will miss out on the highlights of my life because it seems a waste of time to share anything real.

Your loss because I am a wonderful, decent, kind and special person.

Toodles Mama..

#BlogLife102 - Back to my woman cave

Snap, scream, yell part two because I don't know who is the parent and who is the child anymore, demanding attention from me with the loudest voice possible!

I can fully hear you. I heard the entire phone conversation. I just want some peace to stew about being mad at myself for not being more diligent and being without a working phone.

Just don't relay everything back to me because it's obvious, what was said and you can continue having the same topic of discussion with about ten people when it isn't even your business to relay.

The thing is she is used to me being mild and quiet and taking her nonsense but I have already reached my limit and my mood continues to dangerously climb because I am irritated and hormonal and just fed up of waiting for the idiot mail to arrive.

I actually would like to cut my visit short and I may do it but not until after the celebrations and are over and I realise I am being a less than perfect guest..

But again someone shouting dictations at me, will not be tolerated. Yes I am easy going but not while there is no reprieve from the heat and no way to have a quiet space to breathe.

Normally I would go to the randoms but to be frank, that is not appealing. I think I just need to process it internally. I am angry though as it feels like she is deliberately pushing my buttons knowing that I normally don't argue back.

It's a form of taking advantage of me and she does this a lot but not today. I will not accept it. I just need to find something to soothe my nerves and hope that she leaves me be.

I could see she was shocked when I shouted back but take the hint, there was a reason I put my headphones on and haven't said much.

I am not in the mood for company, especially the type that is screaming at me. I am trying to relieve my stress but now I feel guilty for being disrespectful.

I will apologise but not yet. I'm going to visualise opening my front door walking into silence and taking a deep breath knowing I would just plonk down on my bed and hug my pillow.

Then I would turn the speed up on my fan and feel the icy breeze on my face, as It is delightfully powerful. Well since I wrote all this out, things have calmed down.

My charger arrived as you know, well the second one, first has not. Her fan that I bought her 5 years ago just died and she accused me of breaking it.

Told me... How ridiculous to have it on all night. Yea silly me, even though she has a glorious ceiling fan in her room, that she has on all night.....

How dare I  get a weak calming breath of breezy air to help me sleep in this awful humidity. It's a rechargeable fan, no electricity costs, unlike hers.

I think I'm just hormonal, tired and cranky. Monday can't come soon enough. We made up and I replaced the fan, as I do with most things that she requires, without asking.

And I don't mind it. I just find her attitude towards me hyper critical and she is one of the reasons I struggle with self esteem issues for all my life.

Because the others borrow money and disrespect her and they are just perfect in her eyes. They can do no wrong but me, who cares and does a lot of little things and then occasionally messes up.....

I am the one that get's verbally abused. I get shouted at and my faults thrown back in my face and I have reached my limit. It's not acceptable to be singled out and victimised because I am the quiet one who always takes it!!!

I have endured it all my life but not anymore. She won't ever say anything to the others out of fear but me being mild mannered she will take it out on me, which I let her.

Correction which I formally allowed her to do but not anymore. It seems like the first time I stood up to her but probably isn't. I feel great though.

We have of course made amends and I am hoping that from now on, she will think twice before harassing me, just because she could so easily do it, without any consequences, whatsoever!

#BlogLife101 - Weird habits

You all know about my acquaintanceship tests. If not it was in an earlier post. Don't you have them all memorised by now? I'll quiz you....

Ha! Just joking I would never expect you to read all of them. I don't even like some but they were necessary to vent something out.

I've noticed that not all the time but sometimes I like to push the differences with my randoms. I will take something simple and although I will feel a bit put off by it.

I will make out I am completely unnaturally offended by it and will just harp on and each thing he says I will take it to the extremes.

I see it as testing their patience because there will be a time when I really am annoyed and will need to share my side of things without being made to feel I am wrong like always.

As though their perspective is the only one that matters and because they feel that way. You cannot put forth a diverse voice because it is automatically wrong.

I think I am practising to see if I can navigate through a conflict healthily without being sidelined. I need to be able to say whatever I want too and have it challenged but not have it dismissed as invalid.

At the moment there is a threat that if I maintain my stance, the person will flee and not stay to resolve it and I don't like that at all.

I don't know if he's joking or serious but certainly when we are on the phone there is a noticeable change in tone. 

Which is unpleasant because me and confrontation are not friends.

However I am learning to stand up for myself and say well actually I disagree and this is why. 

It stems from being silenced and I won't go back to being that way for anyone.

I think it is also stemming from having a sarcastic sense of humour and having strong opinions on certain topics. 

I want to see if someone will crack my code and join in the fun or read my blog and distance themselves away... As that is my main hesitation in sharing it.

They all get a cheat sheet into my thoughts that I don't necessarily share with them and it isn't reciprocated. Though when I reach the point where I don't care either way..

Then I'll consider just offering up the link and recommending the spoofs. I just won't ever highlight the incredibly emotional posts because they need to discover that for themselves.

I won't make it that easy for them. You want to know everything about me? Then have fun, trawling through over two hundred posts!!

#BlogLife100 - From dark to milk chocolate

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1xG-IY-DR1AnepTPKra9KAeofzRTT7VG5/view?usp=sharing

If you are wondering what the above link is.. I decided to do something unique for the 100th #BlogLife post. I had to mark the occasion some way right?

I thought I would record a personal greeting in my own voice and I am hoping the link works. It is only short and I may have mumbled.

It was take two and the first time I froze. Then I figured how to wing it and I recorded it. my voice sounds different to how awful it sounded yonks ago when I listened to it.

It's optional of course, don't feel obligated. It's not a download just a link to play it hopefully. A way to give back and connect on a new level.

I used to cringe when people said send a voice clip. I don't know why but it just seemed like a big deal, something daunting instead of a routine occurrence.

Now something potentially controversial for this post. It was something I was thinking about for a while but wasn't sure if I wanted to talk about it.

When I started with puberty I had really bad skin and no matter what I did, nothing improved it. 

I asked friends and family what they used and everyone said nothing much, shrugging as though they had naturally flawless skin.

A family friend offering me a free sample of a cream targeted at problem skin caught my attention, her friend sold beauty supplies and she warned me that it might lighten my skin but I was beyond sceptical.

I used it and just inwardly hoped it would improve all my scars, dry patches and severe constant breakouts. I took it with a pinch of salt, it was a natural cream that ended up taking off a shade of my dark chocolate skin tone.

Plus it also cleared my face so that I looked like a regular teenager and could wear makeup again without my face suffocating.

My family had much fairer skin than mine and I thought it was strange but meh. 

I just wanted to be more confident about my appearance, when she told me the price for the cream, I found a workaround to even my body out and then I stopped using it.

It was only when discussing it with my GP way back when, that she suggested I try going on the pill, dianette and although I was hesitant.. 

I tried it out and it worked perfectly. Though she was always reluctant to renew my prescription. 

When I shared how this pill changed my whole look, everyone said Oh yea, it is great isn't it?

I wanted to scream, yea you were using it all this time and none of you said a damn thing to me. 

Just kept it to yourself when I was desperate to find a fix and feel better about myself.

Afterwards I discovered perfectil supplements which were great for my nails, skin and hair but too pricey and then finally my face brush which was economical.

Now my face is mostly flawless. I just did a long face mask and I checked myself out in the mirror and it looked so revived and healthy.

My shade never reverted back and people say how much me and my mama look alike. 

When I went to renew my passport having stopped wearing glasses and switched to contacts lenses..

The guy at the Post Office scoffed and said I wouldn't bother try to renew your passport with this picture. 

You look too different but I argued my case and thought my eyes always look the same.

It's definitely me and I got it renewed without any quibble whatsoever. 

I am having fun at mama's but I am homesick and sad that the charger didn't turn up today :( I rang up Royal Mail only to be told that the usb cable hasn't even been posted to them yet and I should expect to wait another couple of days.

Arghhhh! I am fuming, the times when I am trying to save a bit, I am just endlessly spending £2.44 on the Ebay version and now to gurantee I receive it tomorrow....

As the seller lied his ass off!! I had to resort to Amazon, took out a £1 trial and have paid an additional £4.59!! Yippee! Yet more expenses for me.

Actually just got a refund from somewhere so I got it all back :)

How do I do it? At least I am guaranteed from the Amazon side to get it by 1pm. Another day and I would have screamed blue murder and I do mean blue!!!!!

Ebay sellers and their lies!! He got back to me carefully choosing his words and continuing to lie his ass off without apologising and admitting fault.

Said he posted it on Saturday and did me a favour by posting it early. Oh screw you. You had the whole of Saturday, the whole of Monday to post it and you've done neither.

Idiot!!

#BlogLife99 - Should I take one last look back?

I packed up and thought I had everything stored in my black overnight bag and then I clipped my hair back and for once the breeze wasn't blowing the hair in my face.

For the first time in ages I decided to wear makeup. I always do my eyes and lips but this time because of the mask. I didn't wear lippy and I am down to my last bit of chapstick.

I decided on a pinky base and then swept a purple line across to look funky and it is simple but looks cute. I was going to do my nails too but there was no time.

I arrived with no layers on just a pinky long flowing top and dark purple trousers and because the sun was shining so brightly I was warm and toasty.

My phone died a few hours later and I was sticking it into the usb charger cable and it wasn't clicking into place, in fact it seemed loose.

I did that for several minutes until it finally dawned on me, the main phone, the samsung now takes a smart charger which is wider than the regular ones and I forgot it at home.

Argh!!!!! My phone has merely 20% battery remaining so I switched it off and then ordered a spare lead on Ebay, which will hopefully arrive tomorrow or early next week.

I had a credit voucher for Curry's that I have been dying to get rid off and mama reminded me I could have used it for that. Grr.

My back is really killing me but my shiatsu massager is at home as mama said don't bring much, I have surprises for you.

I am trying out some pain relief binaural beats to see if it helps because I keep wincing with every movement. Presently it has been a chocolate fest with chocolate cake, nutty cereal bars.

In addition to some nutty chocolates. This is our chocolate fix for a few months now. I want to lay down but it is too early. I can't wait for mama to see her gift.

She loved the colour and style, it is very bold and pretty and she saved the bottle of non alcoholic wine that I bought her for Mother's day earlier in the year, for us to savour.

I told her to open it but she wanted us to experience it together. For the price, it is a very big bottle and very tasty. It isn't too sweet at all.

I have great taste and can sniff out a bargain anywhere. I'm sad that my charger lead didn't arrive today (Saturday). I have been using it for a couple of seconds and then switching it off.

It probably has about 15% battery left now eek. I miss texting, calls, my games and just having a high speed phone that can handle anything.

Mama kept bragging that her place is always breezy but there is no cooling air and her fan keeps dying so I feel like I am living in a sauna.

I also keep having to bend down and I just feel uncomfortable and achey constantly. My temper snapped a bit when she expects me to finish whole gallons of products the moment I unseal them. 

Grr you have room in the fridge. I don't eat massive amounts at a time. When I open something I consume it within a few days not down the damn thing on the same day, shish!

It'll get consumed or it won't but I just need a bit of peace. Her place is open plan so there's no escape /privacy. 

I'm also bloated and though grateful for the hospitality, I'm used to my own pace and being able to rest when possible.

I really miss it and the games would have been distressing me but now the Samsung has died for real. I don't know if I can go another day without a charger and no air. 

I should have ignored her warning and packed my long lasting fan. It's so powerful and makes such a huge difference in making me feel calm and refreshed. 

Looking forward to being back home where it's easier and my body gets to heal more conveniently but it is a new day and I slept really well so for now I feel a lot better.

I am just waiting for her postie to arrive so I can pounce on him and hopefully get my charger cable. Keep everything crossed that it comes on day 2 and not when it is predicted which is tomorrow.

#BlogLife98 - Forgiver or seeker of forgiveness?

I got thinking yesterday about how stubborn I was. I no longer offer an olive branch unless I was the one who did something wrong.

I think I have gotten to the point with mostly randoms but some people in general where I care less about maintaining a strained relationship.

I feel like I was always the one to be vulnerable and put myself out there, to avoid any stress or tension lingering in the air but now I feel more ruthless.

I do or may miss them but sometimes parting ways is a good thing, it makes it possible for someone new to come along who could be more suitable in the long run.

N has reconnected with me twice and he sought me out to make amends and figure it out. He said he stepped back, did get my replies but assumed he was pushing me into something by force not choice.

I mean I wasn't super keen on the idea but now I don't mind it. For anyone that hasn't tried it. It was easy to download Whatsapp and install it on my chromebook.

It's in the Play store and I verified my number when they sent me a text message. I did start from scratch though, no numbers were present.

I found out that if I also wanted it on my phone, it's really technical, for me anyway. I have to scan a code to link the devices but I don't want to activate my webcam to do it so that is a bust.

On my phone it just quits my account, while I am signed in via chromebook and vice versa. I have to do it all again and no chat history is saved.

Luckily when I reactivated it on my chromebook, it was there, phew. Also if you select the option for *use less data* the call quality is noticeably poor.

I could hear the person clearly but to them, I sounded distorted. Whereas prior to that all calls were easy to understand.

I think overall I want continuity and to know that, it isn't just me making an effort but that person will be doing it two, otherwise is there any point?

If I call/email or text you, then reply or acknowledge it, give me some sign that you are not dismissing me. No I don't expect it to be instant or when you are under duress but you can't wait a month either.

I need it to be a regular fun occurrence but nothing that is daily. It should work for both of us, not just me. I'm tired of being dissatisfied in my friendships now.

Either get on board with it or walk away because frankly I am tired of the disrespect and being the one to reach out. I like having you in my life but I don't need you.

On a lighter note, I got my certificate of completion from the voluntary position and it was so satisfying to see it. I took my first chat in ages today and it was short and I am grateful it was an easy one :)

#BlogLife97 - Hello ghost

Have I turned into a clairvoyant? Ha. No fair not. I can't say I believe in all that but yesterday afternoon at about 3pmish I received an email and guess who it was from??

Well? Any ideas? No? Okay I'll tell you. It was from the guy that ghosted me without a word. The one I thought was giving me an ultimatum...

Get a messenger or else! You know that I hate being dictated too so that's never wise. He keeps doing the same thing and if it's a ruse, it's very clever.

It's about the second time I think where he has said he didn't receive my replies. I get all of his without issue and I always wait until it says sent before I shut it down.

Shrugs I don't know if it was an honest mistake or if he is trying to redeem himself and save face? I have no idea, I'm just exploring my feelings and I'm relieved I haven't shared the blog so he doesn't realise what I'm thinking.

I was really shocked to see his email and the content, I was tempted to reply straight away but honestly I was swamped. I was finishing up my voluntary program admin.

I had to tally up my chats which amounted to 157 I'm proud to say over 2 months and I didn't even count the trolls and unsavoury ones.

Then I had to write a summary on my experiences and I had done that partially but I realised I wanted to go in more detail and be more open on my mistakes and how I improved myself.

I am patting myself on the back because it was a good and bad experience. I changed lives and gave people the confidence they lacked but then I felt drained and pulled in different directions which left no time for myself.

N's point of view, I mean let's give him a name before I get confused. Was that he didn't hear back from me so assumed I freaked out and was too much of a nervous wreck to get in touch?

My feeling was that after I questioned it and didn't immediately do what he said, he got frustrated and skulked off, forgetting I ever existed.

Even if he thought I was overwhelmed, why didn't he just send a follow up email asking if I was alright or if I needed to talk? Instead he did nothing and then out of the blue after about a week.....

Has passed, approaches me with........ Why did we cease communicating? Can you see how that's perplexing and difficult not to be cynical about?

He mentioned Whatsapp twice so I downloaded it to my chromebook and to be honest, I prefer talking to texting so we shall see.........

#BlogLife96 - Will it get easier?

I got home not too long ago and I am exhausted and achey and sore but I feel great. I haven't spoken much about Corona because everyone has hammered that topic to death..

However today I may just touch upon a few things. I am so used to wearing the face mask and having that level of protection that it is weird to see less and less people wearing them.

Even on the bus there was a guy who casually just had his completely off and I kept looking around to see if the rules had changed but nope, still mandatory.

I think it is only necessary for indoors and not outdoors but I still find myself keeping mine on, even though it is difficult to breathe and walk.

I don't even bother with any makeup at all now. I used to love lip gloss and eye shadow and foundation but now I just feel my face is covered, so what is the point?

I did manage to get my bread but there was no interesting sandwich fillers available so I have cheese at home to make do.

I'm so glad the sun was shining brightly today. I just wore grey casual trousers and a beautiful bright purple top. It felt summery to me for the first time :)

I will also find out if I properly completed the volunteer program while I was incapacitated. I have to tally the number and see if I did enough conversations and write about what I learned from it....

And then if I qualified I will get a cool certificate :D I have a feeling I will start back, when I return home from my break. Wish me luck...

Oh and a special shout out to Craig who gave me my first ever real comment. It is most appreciated. I was going to wait until I had replies set up but I have no idea how to do that so I will just make a new comment as a reply.

#BloglIfe95 - Have I forgotten something?

You know that feeling when you are finished packing and you look around the room and think.. I have a feeling I am missing something?

That happens to me a lot. I am getting for ready for the weekend when I shall be off and I don't know if I will be writing BlogLife.

If I do it will not be a regular thing. Apologies but I don't feel creative at all at the moment. I am trying to make sure everything is charged as last time, the battery died.

I hate walking with chargers and they are all so unique but heavy. I use an electric toothbrush that I have never seen indicated that it is fully charged, even after half a day.

I should probably charge my epilator too, although that is fully restored in under an hour for maybe 30/40 minutes use so it lasts me ages as I only do my face and legs.

I doubt I will walk with my scholl foot file. I will just use it before I leave. My lips and elbows are cracked so much, no matter how much moisturiser I use, it makes no difference.

The only chargers I will walk with are the laptop and mobile as mama uses Apple for everything now and she doesn't have any spares.

My nails seem to be growing long but chipping at the same time, they barely ever feel strong, just weak but looking back at old nail pictures, they grow ridiculously long, they even look fake.

But I proudly showed them off as real. Do you prefer the round or square tip? Square for me is so much easier. I never did perfect the round tip, it always looked misshaped.

I have totally emptied my fridge and freezer so tomorrow I will nip to the market and pick up some bread and essentials. I don't know why Iceland is having another shortage of Kitchen Rolls at the moment.

It is really aggravating that only the expensive brand is left to buy so instead of paying a £1, I have to pay £5 for much tinier paper towels. Grrr!!!

Ooh her gifts were delivered yesterday and when I get up there I shall try out Kind cereal bars and let you know what I think of them.

Dark chocolate, almonds and peanuts, plus sea salt. I've never tried them before and bought a case. I'm hoping we enjoy them.

They are gluten free and low calorie apparently...

#BlogLife94 - Unfinished business

I've been thinking about what my next steps should be. What I do now realise is that having time for myself again makes a huge difference to my mood and I missed that.

I just need to find a balance. I really don't think I want to be an official mentor and listen to the same thing over and over again. I don't want to start the volunteer program again and be pressured into taking a set number daily either.

What I think I want to do is ease back into volunteering but be more rigid with my time, instead of being flexible where I stay and get completely mentally exhausted..

I reckon I will enforce a time limit where I can be transparent and not feel guilty anymore. I just always get to the point where I feel locked in and obligated to eat up my time and I'm not happy.

I would rather just be strict, the problem with that is, in a way, I will still be stuck, if the chat is taxing. I have spent hours before and that doesn't leave me with time to do things I enjoy.

I neglect myself and my needs and cater to others and I don't want to do that anymore. I'm going to calculate my total number of chats and write my summary and then that will done.

After that I can casually start back with the volunteer chats and only with the ones that I feel comfortable with, plus if I do it on a variety of topics that should mix it up.

It took me a long time but at least now I have a plan. I've avoided socialising with the fellow members because I didn't want to get sucked back in before I was really ready.

Others have this figured out but I didn't. I know that for me to be creative, stress has to step aside and I can't be drained so if everything can co-exist together, I will be happy and content.

#BlogLife93 - Birthdays

How do you feel about your birthday each year? Do you get excited, do you look forward to it? Is it a massive celebration? Or do you see it like I do?

Not a big deal, just an ordinary day. I'm getting older and I never really enjoyed the day. I didn't have many friends and when I tried to organise things, people didn't seem invested so I pretty much gave up.

I did something for myself, by myself and that was okay. It became my thing. Shopping, dinner, maybe some pampering. Dancing, whatever I felt like doing I would just get dolled up and go for it.

Now because me and mama share the same birthday month, we tend to have a beauty day, pedicures, massage and for me, brows.

Then we will either go out for a nice lunch or order something in and enjoy it. This year I guess I feel the same dread. I don't know why.

It's just an uncomfortable time. I guess I am supposed to be happy and counting down the days but I just want it over and done with.

We are planning to have our beauty day, which I postponed because I am not in the mood and then I'm going to go stay with her for a bit and chill out. 

I never know what to get her so I cheated and asked her what she needed. She replied that she is after a watch. 

I scoured through Amazon because red is her favourite colour and I saw a really pretty design and bought it, plus some nutty snacks.

I think it will be great to have a break from the randoms. One of them in particular ghosted me and it was kinda strange but not really.

He was going away for business for a while and he wanted me to download a messenger so we could keep in touch. He's another one with an irritating habit of using a work phone for a personal phone.

For me, I have 3 phones but only one sim card. The samsung one has the sim and that is what I used for calls and texts. The backups are for the gaming and asmr which I fall asleep too.

But when I use my phone, my number comes up and people can see, ahh yes, she called me, let me just return it. When I got called from a work phone or from someone claiming it is.

Private number is displayed and without a voicemail or text, that could be anybody. He has never texted, ever, just called so I don't text him either.

He has given me his number a few times but I don't/didn't copy it down because I thought what was the point? He didn't say call/text anytime.

It was more take it for reference or get a messenger! I hate messengers. I did have whatsapp years ago but if you go on there.....

It's the same thing all the time. Who are you again? What is your asl again? The same questions and answers all the time. Ugh I get so bored...

And men send me half a dozen pictures like I am interested, when I'm not... I really don't care. I see them all like faceless blobs and I'm thrilled with not knowing what they look like.

I think because meeting them, never crosses my mind so why do I need to know what they look like and why do they need to know how I am?

If they question my gender as a lot of them seem to get catfished. I just retort, hey, just ring me up, when I know you are going to do it and I'll prove it with my voice.

Anyway so the guy in question, we talked on the phone almost daily and emailed every day and he wanted to get together for drinks or lunch, said he was moving to London soon.

I think for me, I wouldn't go for a long distance thing because I have no trust and if I was to start dating I would want to get together often-ish or least have that option.

Also I told him that I hate the idea of meets but to even consider it, he would need to prove himself consistent. Over a period of a couple months.

I figure if I am going to put myself out there, you need to do it too. I need that person to be in regular contact, doesn't have to be daily but weekly definitely.

Plus if they say they are going to do something, then do it. I was umming and errring about downloading a messenger until I realised I could do it on my chromebook and it didn't have to clutter my phone.

The last thing he said was get it, here is my number. I said if I do this, hide your photo because I don't want to see it. We talked about that anyway and he said he was fine with it.

Tomorrow supposedly he sets off for abroad and he hasn't contacted me since. Maybe he was testing me to see if I would get it?

I think he should answered my question though. I just didn't bother downloading as what was the point and I sorta kinda maybe deleted the email with his number in it......Anyway..Oops!

I suppose I could have asked for it again but he has my email and my number and has said nothing so it doesn't seem like there is any point.

Shrugs. In the end I felt like he did the typical thing of..... Hmm so she has pulled away from me and wrote me off. Let me recruit her back and say what she wants to hear and that will entice her, so I can be the one to dump her???

As he did a complete turn around from saying.. I don't want a serious long term commitment. To saying...... Would you want to get married, settle down and grow old together????

I mean.......What the hell?? Be consistent, that is what I want. Even if I disagree. I prefer the truth. That way it is fair to everybody and people know where they stand!!

I don't want to get married. I don't believe in happily ever after, for me personally because these were my exact words to him...

It's not that I don't believe in commitment. I do but that is just too nice a dream. I don't ever think I would have that. I couldn't even get a faithful respectful boyfriend...

How could I get a hubby?? I'm beginning to think I want the friendship from a romance that I never experienced before rather than anything else.

I like the idea of being someone's first port of call but not their world just someone they can rely on and I could support also. Everything else seems complicated and unattainable.

#BlogLife92 - Dating while being plus sized

Each of us are different sizes and if you are like me your weight has fluctuated over the years. I have never had an easy time dating and that was for a whole heap of reasons.

Lying

Cheating

Confidence

Weight

Trust

I notice now more prominently that there seems to be extreme attitudes for men when they hear or see that I am not slim.

Either I will attract the type that have the obsession with me staying big and want to facilitate that and encourage me to pile on even more weight.

Which is unappealing because I would like to be healthier and slimmer and I don't want someone obsessed with my weight and only seeing that in me.

It's really offputting because there are other sides to me too. Yes it is great they accept the abundance of me but it should matter what I want and how I feel.

Then there are the kinds where, I sound good on the surface but in reality..

It's like hmmmmm, well yea I didn't want you to be skinny but you are more than I thought you were and are you trying to lose weight and what steps are you taking and is that enough  etc etc etc..

I don't want that either, because although they claim to want someone with curves and a full figure, what they really want is someone slim who is also shapely.

Not someone like me who is overweight but with curves too. There is a huge difference and being a shortie doesn't help.

I guess I want the impossible, someone to take their cues from me and say, Look what is it you want? I am attracted to you, I like your personality.

I like hanging out together, I would like to get to know you further and as for your weight.... All I want is for you to be truly sincerely happy and confident, so decide what that is and I'll support you.

#BlogLife91 - I am imperfect!

I am totally imperfect - but that is okay for me. I like being human and full of bad habits and shortcomings.

It was not acceptable for those around me, friends and family who expected me to be just like them. They didn't make me feel as though I could discover my own identity.

I was supposed to twist myself around in knots and become them. To totally change my personality and figure and be skinny and popular.

For a while I did try because when someone is constantly critiquing you, they eventually get inside your head and live there.

I forced myself to diet and not eat and not drink because it was too calorific. I hung out with people that were cold and distant and tried to make them like me.

I did all of that and was miserable and it still wasn't satisfying their need to alter their perception of me.

I eventually stepped back and in the middle of my crisis realised that I needed to make peace with myself.

It took a while but after some time passed, I just analysed everything and I did. Now I try not to let people have any influence over me, except if it is positive.

I am now fully recovered from my strain and when I told someone, you know, my volunteering is officially over.

The first thing they said wasn't, well done, good for you for completing it. It was....

Wow, so soon? Can't you do more of it?

I realised that although I am better. I actually do need a break from it. 

The stress of being upbeat and perky 24-7 and trying to be patient with people that think it's okay to do nothing but throw tantrums has taken it's toll on me!

I kept trying to take these same chats and putting pressure on myself to do it because I felt like it was expected not because I actually wanted to do it.

That is what I am going to do now. A much needed vacation from helping others and some self care and focusing on rejuvenating myself.

I feel lighter already :)

#BlogLife90 - What is it like to be a we instead of an I?

I haven't really thought about dating and relationships for ages. I have just been getting on with my days and enjoying the breaks where it is pain-free or calm.

But I have started reflecting back on my past history and noticing I have never really done couply things before. Simple things people take for granted are just alien to me.

1. Cooking a meal together or even washing up.

Never happened. The few times I hung out or stayed over somewhere. It's like food was never mentioned as though it was a bad word.

That just made me feel even more weight conscious as though they were implying........ Listen I prefer you skinny, even though you are not built that way, so I don't want to offer you food because to be honest, you have meat on you already.

2. Watching a television show curled up.

The only time I remember the television being switched on, was when the guy I was dating tried to get me to watch an adult movie.

It just came out of nowhere and wasn't a couple thing, it was a.... This is how I get in the mood, so you better fast track and get on the same page.

It's not my thing as those are tailored towards men. I just remember sighing and looking at my phone and thinking, what am I doing here, with this moron?

3. Getting a massage, even if it's just a scalp one.

I always thought how romantic it was in the movies when the boyfriend ran a bath for his girlfriend and stayed to talk, washed her hair, looked after her needs and didn't make her feel guilty or expect anything from it.

4. Getting affection without expecting sex

I have a strong feeling that I used to be affectionate. That I wanted to hold hands or link arms or hug a lot but then I kept getting the same negative response to it.

Ugh, why do women embarrass men? Can we not? Do I have too really? 

I suppose when you get rejected and made to feel ashamed that you want that tenderness, it eventually gives you a cold bitter detachment from it.

#BlogLife89 - Repairing the unrepairable *mature audiences only*

I roll and sit on the edge of the bed wincing. I try to give myself a pep talk.

It's going to be alright you know. Sure it is rough at the moment and somehow there is no quick fix and silver lining to any of it but hang in there..

It's what we do right? I shake my head tired of always being made to feel I have to be strong and hold it in and apologise for me being real because it isn't normal etiquette.

Put a brave face on, smile through the pain, wipe those tears away and chin up. Must not let anyway see you are weak and human.

No no no have to be invincible and unfazed by life's cruel fate. I stand up and walk towards two men.

One says.....

Hey baby, I'm not single but it doesn't matter, we can have fun together and hang out and support each other. Pick me.

The other says...

Hey honey. I am single but I am only in the moment. I will look after you and spoil you but not commit or promise tomorrow.

Who would you choose? For me I opt for the third which is myself. Neither one are suitable but the first one has turned into a friend.

I feel like before I was constantly compromising and talking myself into being positive about these disappointing selections because I wanted someone around.

I realised that was why I felt so lost whenever I started dating. I swallowed what I really wanted and just settled for scraps and that is why I felt alone and confused and tortured.

Now that I am older a lot has changed. I don't want to meet another man who says.........

Let's wait and see what happens..

I already know what happens, I get strung along and nothing ever changes. It's a non commitment, immature stunted entanglement that keeps me from finding a true prospect!

Dating is...Well to be honest it feels impossible. How do I explain I have to limit walking? I can't go out on consecutive days because it kills me physically.

Using my hands to do anything makes me nervous because the pain is creeping up and up and upwards.

As for me being intimate??? I haven't done that for years and years because I am so fragile. Taking big steps hurts, climbing stairs, strains.

Exercising from the waist down makes me limp or need to rest up.

Sex may literally kill me. How do I say all that? Coooeee potential love interest..... Read all the above and say that you'll definitely be patient.

Plus I tend not to open up straight away and I don't want to be suffocated.

This is why I say I am not girlfriend/wifey material. I'm too messed up emotionally and physically.

I feel better now because I realised that I don't need to say Yes to anyone. 

I can just love myself and know that, bad days are happening but even though my strength is depleted I can still rely on my inner reserve.