Chrome OS

Today has been absolutely crazy. I was tracking both the Chromebook package and my perfume and the laptop seemed like it wasn't going to be delivered today as the 2pm deadline was approaching for Saturday parcels.

At something like 1.40pm it showed up though. I'm really grateful and happy it did. However there will be so much more to get used than using Windows.

I didn't even notice it didn't have mousepad buttons and figuring out that you have to hold the *Alt* key and then tap is the alternative to right clicking.

Also the *Caps lock* button was nowhere to be found until I was messing around with the settings. 

I just have to convert *search* into any option I wanted.

Regretfully Microsoft Edge and Firefox are not running on the Chromebook. 

For Firefox, you can download it from the Playstore. However it seems to be an awful mobile version and not the real thing.

I don't even know how to get my Firefox/Edge bookmarks onto Chrome. 

For now I will just use that browser as it is already set up. I will just manually add my important sites directly on to the toolbar.

The brightness is fantastic on the display as is the sound so I was worrying for nothing. 

The scrolling and mousepad is very jerky and laggy. I will have to play around with the settings. 

I didn't really twig before but scrollbars are automatically set to hidden until you wave the mouse around which is incredibly frustrating and slows my progress.

I can't find a fix. Disable *overlay scrollbars* was it but it is no longer available to deselect grrr. No wonder everything is taking twice as long. Chromebook is so damn backwards in terms of modernisation and personalising.

The battery is draining suspiciously quickly so again I will have to investigate why. 

When you download something, you gotta search high and low for it, instead of it being readily available.

I had no issues with the bluetooth or wifi once they were setup, maybe because it is so light, it looks deceptively small for a 15.6" screen. I thought for a minute they sent me a netbook eek!!

There doesn't seem to be a calendar present. I'm so used to clicking on the time and seeing the month view and there isn't any. I finally just had to download one from Google PlayStore.

I have a dilemma having duplicate Twitter/Facebook profiles. Do I delete the barely used old ones or do I keep them? 

I suppose what I could do is on the Chromebook use the ones associated with the blog and then on my phones, use the real ones?

I have such bad cramps at the moment. Tesco cancelled yet another order tonight and I only used them to get my damn eyecare! 

I am writing them off, being stranded without groceries is no fun!

Luckily Iceland as per usual came to my rescue and they had a slot free for tomorrow afternoon.

A huge hug and thank you to all the lovely people that have subscribed to the blog. I was wondering if I would get any and if I did would the visitors dry up? 

However neither of that happened and I'm really happy and relieved.

You've made my day and now I am going to relax. I will probably post the Ramo commentary tomorrow. 

I just cannot manage it. I want to crash out early and get rid of these horrible cramps.

I haven't even watched the new episode. I normally write and watch so that I don't leave anything out.

Gifts

I have just spotted the ideal giftset for my mother. She adores perfumes and one in particular and I wanted to get it in the cream version. 

I spotted a body wash and lotion in the perfume range that she would adore!!

I just cannot currently afford them! I've put them both in my Amazon wishlist for later. 

My last splurge was on a newish scent for me. The same make, Elizabeth Taylor but the newest version which is called En Rouge in a beautiful red Christmassy 100ml bottle.

I got it for £16.20 with free delivery. It will probably arrive on Monday or Tuesday. 

The original price was £45 which I would never pay for a non necessary luxury item.

It was already reduced to £18 on the site and I got a further 10% off.

It actually should have been 15% but I had enough trouble merely registering with The Perfume Shop so having scoured the Internet for a code I was more than happy when I found one.

I love making savings and the working discount codes I find and use, I will post on my Twitter.

I hope I get a tracking number for my Chromebook. I don't even know what courier they are using. 

Hopefully Monday/Tuesday I will be able to stop typing from my phone.

I wonder how easy or complicated it will be to set up as Lenovo made it a breeze.

I feel so impatient and nervous about receiving it. 

Ebay deal

I was searching high and low for a good deal for my replacement laptop on Argos, Amazon, Groupon, Wowcher etc. 

I didn't really see anything appealing in the specifications I required.

I wanted at least 8gb ram for all the multi tasking I do, having about 5 tabs open and 2 browsers to switch between. 

Bluetooth was essential for the headphones I wear to tune out background noise, especially if I'm writing really late at night. 

Big screen because it just makes everything better. 

I would have liked another Lenovo but they too pricey, too small and less powerful so it would have meant downgrading. 

HD was a bonus and I wanted a loud crisp sound so hopefully the stereo speakers are adequate. 

In my experience laptops have such low sound, you need external speakers attached. 

It would be nice if it's really bright too as my eyesight is so poor.  

You have no idea how irritating it is typing with half a keyboard. Blogging on my phone just doesn't have the same feel. 

I'm losing my enthusiasm for it. I saw the 20% off in Ebay, craftily capped at £75 and looked through all the participating stores.

Most of them as you would expect are second hand but I was only interested in the brand new models and after browsing them all found a deal I was happy with. 

It ticked all my boxes and was priced at £400 but I paid £325. It is my first ever Chromebook.

I've never purchased one before and hope it will last a good few years. 

It's silvery black which is so boring. I wanted something red or purple. 

Apparently I can put Firefox and my adblocker/lastpass extensions on it, which had worried me.

I read some reviews and watched some YouTube videos but couldn't see my exact model. 

I love how companies are quick to offer next day delivery and then when you read the miniscule fine print, there are serious stipulations attached. 

It's predicted to arrive roughly on Tuesday, by an unknown courier. I always hope for Royal Mail or somebody narrowing down a timeslot.

I know its a rush job and I could have spent longer searching but the laptop is dying. It won't even charge now and I need a working keyboard again. 

I really hope I made the right choice. How much more different could it be to a Windows laptop? 

Keyboard fried?

My Lenovo ideapad laptop is quite a few years old. I bought it from Amazon and have had very few problems aside from replacing the charger.

Last night I shut it down as usual and when I tried it today. Unusually the *Num lock* key was stuck lit up. I couldn't press it off.

I didn't really think anything of it but suddenly certain letters wouldn't show on screen like *y* and *t* The *backspace/delete* key wouldn't erase anything.

I was so confused as to why it was acting strangely. I hadn't done anything differently. I don't think I accidentally alerted some mysterious setting. 

I had to use my phone and Google it. Plus use the onscreen keyboard to take off the *Num lock* as an expert suggested.

I did and it turned off but it refused to turn back on so there is an issue there. 

Uninstalling the keyboard was an option I tried and then reinstalled it on the Lenovo site which didn't fair any better as was running the troubleshooter. 

Last step I am trying is system restore. I don't have a spare keyboard and this usually solves my issues as a last resort because it takes ages to complete.

I had to tweet from the mobile today and lunch was decidedly cold when I got around to eating it. 

The laptops restarting a bunch of times so I hope it's almost finished. I only set it to revert back to yesterday as it was working appropriately then. 

Wish me luck. I have things to do, of which are delayed due to this headache. Grr!

I really don't want to use the onscreen keyboard. I also gave it a good clean just incase there was too much dust. 

Shoot. The *Num lock* key is back to being illuminated and won't turn off. Delete key not working still. Ffs.

Next I tried editing the registry and put zero in the data field which is supposed to disable it at startup. Failed too. 

I wonder if my Function keys are off? There has to be some simple action I'm oblivious to. 

I tried going ino bios mode and then disabling hotkey mode. No joy. 

I need to try booting in safe mode apparently to see if it works as normal in that way.  They actually aren't working. *t* and *y* *delete* *num lock*

Really perplexing me now having to highlight, right click and delete errors. 

I just made sure the language keyboard is only set to UK as sometimes it switches to USA and one person said that was their fix. 

Actually USA is still appearing as an option. I can't seem to delete it and I'm too tired. 

To be continued tomorrow.. 

I refuse to believe it's beyond repair. I jus discovered that *caps lock* isn't working and left shift isn't either.

Ugh! Too much stressyness for me, the non techie!! 

Any experts out there who know all the answers? 

I rang up the Lenovo technical support team and he said because the onscreen keyboard works it's a hardware issue and did I want to send it to Germany for repairs? 

Ummm... Nopity! Or I should buy a new keyboard or repair it. Nah. I bought this one November 2015, so it has served me the longest and fairly well. 

I will replace it if I have to but first I will exhaust all my options. At least I can say I tried everything afterwards. 

I'll do a bit more reading and then reset it probably or restore it again. I didn't want to lose my files or settings though. 

I really don't need the expense of a new laptop. 

Final update, I reset Windows and kept my files as a last resort and 5 hours ish later. I found out, it didn't work! I will buy a new one soonish.

You mean nothing to me!

I can sit down look you in the eye and talk for hours on any given subject but once I exit..

Our conversations are left behind with you, because I never carry them with me. 

The next time we meet. You ask me follow up questions and I barely remember your name. 

In all those fleeting moments. I smiled. I laughed. I rolled my eyes and mocked you but you never made a lasting impression on me. 

You ask too much of me and I despise you for it. I don't owe you a damn thing.

Stop pressuring me to like you. To remember you. To force a connection, a fondness I never felt. 

You were a means to an end. A way to pass the time or be inspired. You are a distant memory. An already forgotten encounter. 

You served your purpose. Now exit out of my life gracefully. Don't prolong the distaste I form when I see you.

You don't have enough substance for me. You are no gentleman. You back me into a corner and think I will cave? 

I am not nice nor kind or sweet. I will inflict damage and scar you if you try to control me. 

I'm not your friend or your enemy. I'm just a sleepy whisper in your ear that suited my purpose. 

For one brief moment you were what I needed but now that time has passed.. 

I release you back into the world. You can be some other woman's problem. 

Ps. 

Know this. You were never as good as you thought you were. You are replaceable. I am not. 

Goodbye 

X-Y-Z

J is off!

There is something different about you. I don't know what it is but you're pulling away and I'm not even smothering you. 

I asked a few innocent questions and you just freaked out completely.

Wanted to know why I was enquiring about it but the thing was. You were the one sharing.

All I did was ask a follow up question. Is that not allowed? Have the rules changed?

From friends to acquaintances it seems. You just constructed a wall between us and I wonder why that is?

I did confront you though instead of letting you skirt the issue.

Asked why you didn't get in touch and you just said you couldn't. 

Not something came up or work was busy or you forgot but that it was a missed opportunity to catch up.

You said in one breath we were friends and in another that you confide in your "real" friends. 

I don't think I'm angry or hurt just a little confused because you contradict yourself.

On one hand you say that we talk about things to make us smile and we can share normally but you only talk about one thing. How is that regular?

At least I told you I wasn't trying to pry or get closer. All I was attempting to do was have a broader conversation but you remain stilted. 

I confess to not understanding how making idle chitchat interferes with your private nature? It's not like I am asking about your hopes and dreams.

Why do you ask me personal questions? How is that fair to me? 

When I am more than willing to share and more often that not, do. 

You are genuinely interested and that bugs me because you don't allow me to be inquisitive about your world.

I offered you an option of contacting me today without it being pre-arranged and said that there was only one string. 

That it was to be appreciated and utilised by the end of the year. 

I wonder if you'll take me up on it? I expanded the parameters, I guess to make it more enticing.

Make no mistake though. If I feel like you are taking advantage of me and not making an equal effort. 

I will disappear. I don't offer my friendship lightly. I vet my potential acquaintances first. 

I really don't want anything much from you. Just a bit of banter here and there and some honesty. I even asked you today if you had social anxiety.

I was kinda hoping you were going to nod but you dismissed it and said that wasn't the case.

No tricks or manipulation just someone to occasionally connect with. 

However let me know if that isn't the case anymore because the way you acted today, was cold and aloof.

The opposite to the people in my life that I care about and have some affection for. 

Don't waste my time, if you suddenly don't want me in your life. I can handle hearing it without falling to pieces.

"Next!" is the only thing I'll shout and possibly "Have a nice life." It is my trademark after all :D

How do you deal with condescension?

Do you eagerly approach them and put them in their place? Do you roll your eyes and ignore it? Do you let it get to you? Or do you reply with grace and accept it but correct them?

This is my blog, my home, my site but sometimes I feel I need somewhere else to purge my immature nagging thoughts and to just eradicate the negativity out and worry less about the little things.

I talked about this in another post, well two really. I'll list them below for your reference. I welcome feedback if it helps me grow as a person and a blogger..

But I refuse to be laughed out and present for your amusement and solely to watch me stumble and fail! 

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/09/is-insultjudge-me-written-on-my-forehead.html

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/09/do-i-seem-funny-to-you.html

I've just recently had a reply sent to me and it's not appreciated or welcome. 

"Mildly amused to see where you go, so I think I'll follow you." There was more but only that line stands out for me.

Yes my mood can change in an instant and maybe in a small way I'm too flighty with platforms? 

I possibly could have given them more time to discover me but I'm happy with my decision to quit them and try others. 

If he had said something like, "You need to take a breath, instead of being so impatient" or some words of encouragement like.. 

"Perseverance is key in situations like these. Just keep at it and your efforts will be paid off hopefully."

It would feel more as though he was supporting me. Instead of pointing, laughing and talking down to me.

I'm not a fan of confrontation for the sake of it. It will stress me out and I'll over analyse my points to make sure they are valid. 

I could just say my piece and block afterwards but I just refuse to do that. He'll just end up laughing harder so instead I will share with you what I would have replied.

'You are not a blogger are you? I can tell because you only use one platform, whereas I am trying to find something more lively and that entails facing rejection and processing feelings that subsequently follow.

I'm not here to fill your boredom as some sort of performing clown you can poke fun at as though I have no feelings.

Go elsewhere for your shallow entertainment. At least I have the good sense to be courteous to others and show them respect. You patronising so and so!"

(I really want to swear at him but on second thoughts. He is not worth it).

I'm a sensitive person who grew up being at the centre of everyone's insults. That's why I have zero tolerance for it. 

I surround myself with positivity now and I'm not afraid to admit my faults, there are many but I own them and I am trying each day to be better and people like him reverse that!

The worse part of it, was that he kept on messaging me and refusing to take responsibility for his entire approach. 

There was no apology or remorse, there was confusion and proclamations of innocence. If that was me and I realised, something I said had hurt someone.

I would have apologised profusely and said that was not my intention at all but there was no respect in his manner, so he just continued bombarding me with messages, which I didn't read.

Lift people up, be their cheering squad. Don't step on them and keep them down. 

Follow.It? Follow them? Follow me?

I had to chase up the Follow.It team regarding setting up my new email subscription and feed as they didn't get back to me. 

I went from talking to a human to conversing with a robotic representative. There is a difference between someone that loves their job and somone counting the hours and doing the bare minimum and limiting small talk.

They make the barest effort they can get away with and don't go into elaborate details about what it entails. The problem is, with someone like me. I get even more confused than before, which is exactly what happened.

He really didn't go into a valid explanation of my issues. Just said I have sorted out applying the code to your website on our side and apply.. to your website, but not where on the site.

When I explained my needs aka my preference that potential readers receive an email as soon as I've published something and only the bare minimum so that they are prompted to return to my site to finish reading the full article. 

He attached screenshots without instructions on how to alter these preferences.

Now that I have searched the site and perused the settings I am seeing red flags. Not once did he mention premium features compared to my basic free plan.

I think I am able to just show the headlines of the post and not the full thing. (Pity they didn't have an option to show the beginning).

On my Blogger settings, Site Feed, I changed it from Until Jump Break, to Short, to see if that helped stop readers seeing the whole post but I still don't know who ultimately controls these options, me or the reader??

Lastly I think it is a paid feature to get the emails as soon as they are published. When I tried to alter it. It said I wasn't allowed on my plan. Why did he not explain that? He just attached more screenshots..

In conclusion. I am certain that the email and feed are now completely ready for any regular or new visitors stopping by wanting to subscribe. It may not have turned out the way I wanted it too but it's installed.

I have been testing it and it is regular as clockwork in the evenings. I get the email and it is weirdly titled "New Message SleeplessScribbler." To me that is confusing. What do they call they the new comments?

That was such a headache. I don't want to go through that again.

If you wish to sign up, just go ahead and pop your email in and for the tweeters among you. My Twitter link is there also present with mini rambles.

Ps. After some time had passed I realised a few things. When I changed the settings on my blogger from *Until Jump Break* to *Short* it seemed to have the most impact and from receiving whole posts, it went to displaying a portion of them.

Also I suspect the reader chooses the method in which they are updated. Supposedly immediate if by rss subscription when I make a new post or once a day by email sign ups.

Thank you all for your patience and understanding and I hope to engage with you more. It would certainly  make my day :)

Self destruct mode (fiction)

I need to escape from you. You're all I think about but you are not healthy. 

You don't make me feel good or safe or warm. I'm leaving you behind and there is nothing you can do or say about it.

I've heard it all before. Sweet little promises. It will be better this time. Things will be different. I just have to stay positive and believe. 

NO! I don't trust you anymore. You're making me ill. I can't make the effort to please you. I can't compromise.

I've settled for your lies once too often. You keep pulling me back with intriguing words but it all amounts to the same. 

Nothing ever improves. I wanted so badly to see it through.

I wanted to have a successful relationship with you. I tried my best to work with you and let you in but you are a block of ice. A cold shoulder. An unapproachable wall that I can't reach.

Friends and family say I should try harder and find a way to get through to you but I've reached my limit. 

Don't touch my arm. Don't say soothing empty words. Don't smile. Don't look at me like that. I hate you.

I shrug your hand off my arm and glare at every trinket you've ever bought me. 

I stomp to the kitchen grabbing a refuse sack and sweep my hand across the mantlepiece. I shove everything into the bag.

The picture of us. The princess cut birthstone ring. The letters and notes I wanted to preserve forever. 

I slap away your octopus arms and shove you aside. Not this time. I will not relent and forgive you for causing me this heartache and emptiness.

I always thought our home was spacious but now it feels stifling. 

This time you creep up behind me and snake your arms around my waist and for one brief moment. I give in. I crave your touch, your comfort, your heat.

I don't want to be alone. I sigh and lean back on you as your arms tighten and I feel safe again. 

You still don't say a word but you don't twirl me around to face you either.

Are you afraid of what my eyes will reveal?

I snap back to reality and realise you are unworthy of my affection and time. 

I wrestle your arms away with difficulty, panting with the exertion and open the cupboard door. 

The dinner set we lovingly bought together mocks me. I reach for the plates and smash them on the floor, pieces of porcelain flying everywhere. 

I turn my face away quickly as you begin screaming and trying to shake sense into me.

I disentangle from you and reach for the cups. You pull them away but I tug aggressively and then let go and they drop at high speed on the floor. 

I lean my back against the cupboards trying to catch my breath.

This time I avoid your gaze. You move towards me and I turn my face away, so you abruptly stop. 

I march past you but again you grab my arm. Why does my breath halt when you do that?

Time stops and I want to crumple in your big strong arms. Why can't you meet my needs? 

Why have you created this distance between us? Why do you whisper words of love when you lay next to me, cradling me in your embrace?

Why did you fall out of love? You loosen the grip on my arm just as I yank it clear and go upstairs to our bedroom. I stop at the hallway, remembering how you carried me inside. 

The way you looked at me. There was so much emotion on your face. All that is gone without any trace of it ever being there.

I wrench the drawers open and then grab my set of our matching luggage and start filling it with clothes. 

I hear your footsteps approaching and I rush to close the door but you slam it open.

I bite my lip and search your face. I see anger, confusion, hurt and stubborness. 

Your eyes widen as you spot my suitcase half filled. You grab my hand firmly but not tightly and sit me on the bed on to your lap.

I sit rigidly while you place my arms around your neck and pull me closer. 

I listen to your heartbeat and my voice breaks when you say my name. It is a final plea. A cry. A wish for me to stay.

The tears trickle down and wet your shirt. No more makeups and breakups. This really is the end.

Our eyes lock one last time and without speaking I unmask my feelings and let you see what I have become. 

An insecure hollowed out person. I get up and let the distance return between us.

I grab the suitcase and without turning around I confess "I wanted to stay but.. 

..Now I have to say goodbye and know that I'm finally free of you and you caused this. You are at fault."

I walk out the door and my shadow fades away. I was never really here and neither were you.

 

Medium potential ban imminent

Another site bite's the dust. What am I on now seventh? Eighth? PointBlog, Anonyme, Tumblr, Blogger, LiveJournal, WordPress, Medium. Only Blogger has stuck. 

It's just that my audience is invisible and I am constantly trying to be discovered and find a place that I can not only feel comfortable blogging in but also a place where maybe my audience can relate to me more.

Maybe people outside of the UK don't get the references and so don't feel intrigued enough to engage whether it is following the blog(granted that isn't set up yet but hopefully sometime next week). 

Social media or commenting/tweeting/emailing but I'm just going to keep trying because I do post original content with a lot of heart and I deserve followers who are more engaging.

My confidence needs it. I constantly have to give myself these little pep talks and ego boosts just to carry on functioning every day. I have to combat all the negativity in my head, my relatives voices, ex boyfriends and ex friends.

If you think that is a simple task. It isn't. Funny I thought Medium would have had the curtesy to email me and let me know my account had been flagged but nope. They still let me upload until I read the message but I don't see the point. It's bound to be terminated.

I just want to feel like I belong, instead of standing on my tiptoes peering inside at all those successful people mingling and smiling. Ugh this is depressing.

Crazy self therapy follow up

Welcome back.

Make yourself comfortable. Shall we continue from where we left off or start afresh? 

Sighs. I am not doing so good. Honestly, I promise I am trying to stay motivated and get my blog up and running but I keep getting stuck and I don't know what to do. This burden is suffocating me.

What have you tried so far? 

Ok I followed some tutorials about FeedBurner and did everything I could to re-establish it and I seemed to be making more progress than before. Only when it came to actually delivering the email update......There was none :(

How did that make you feel? 

I feel so guilty and useless for letting everyone down, including myself. I should know how to do this. I've been blogging for years but I don't.

What are you going to do now? 

I feel like giving up but I'm not going to. I signed up with *Nourish* but I just felt out of my depth. I have just asked them to terminate my account.

I've also signed up with *Follow It* but I am stuck at the part where I have to *claim my feed and add a meta tag to my website* 

After scouring the internet for clues. I think I'm supposed to click on Layout, Theme and Edit HTML. Then find Header.php and add it there. Only I don't see it with these weak eyes of mine, so I contacted support and am waiting for clearer directions.

Do you feel better about being proactive? 

No. I don't.

Why? 

I still have questions. What am I supposed to put in the *Post feed redirect URL*

Did I make the right choice choosing *Follow It* for my needs?

Why did they advertise as saying immediate updates when you publish a new post and then have a time to send out daily emails?

Why when I did a test and subscribed myself, then selected *Headlines only* have they gone ahead and been emailing me a few posts in their entirety?

What if their customer service sucks?

What if I was too hasty and *Nourish* was a superior selection? 

Should I just have found a simple alternative to Bloglovin?

Wow! To be honest I was expecting a shorter answer. You really are overthinking this. Take a breath. Have some patience. Let them get back to you and see what they say.

What can your intrigued readers do in the meantime to stay updated on your progress?

The one constant I have is *Twitter* @SleeplessScrib1. I post updates and mini rambles on there. I shall be updating Facebook periodically. Even if it is just a pseudonym. (https://www.facebook.com/shiza.sabra.3).

Anything else?

The stress is giving me backache.

Don't you feel better now that you have released all that tension?

Would you please stop fishing for compliments. It's creepy. I'll only truly feel better when it's all fixed and I can finally say "Subscribe. I promise it's for real this time."

You know what I think? I reckon the old you would have given up by now and just taken the hit but because you keeping getting stronger with each challenge that comes your way, you persist and try your best to find a resolution.

I'm not only pleased with your efforts. I'm proud of you. You're opening up more. Reaching out and tackling obstacles. 

I know this is all a constant struggle and that at times you want to runaway and hide from it and it's healthy to take a break and a breath but keep conquering your fears one by one.

I believe in you and you can achieve your dreams and get the recognition you deserve.

Damn, alright that did it. Pass me the blooming tissues.. *sniffles*

 

 

I'm sorry.

I am truly sorry to all visitors and curious wanderers that have looked in on my blog. I lovingly created this space as an outlet for me but trying to personalise it and set it up is taxing my brain.

It's not only difficult but near impossible for me to ask for help, so I have to rely on Google and Youtube to assist me. 

I set up the Follow Me By Email button, subscribed and it was working albeit with a delay but I think I did something to mess it up and now it's not functonal and I spent some time during the night trying to correct it but it's too technical for me and I understand nothing of what the jargon is saying.

That's why as soon as the button appeared finally, I had to take it down.

I'm either going to attempt another fix or I will sign up with a third party and hope it's easy to attach it to the blog. One thing about the non existance of comments is, you can't shout at me for messing up :D

Bloglovin seems like a piece of cake compared to this. It's a shame they turned unprofessional and refused to acknowledge the unsavoury elements that put people off.

Another thing I would like to address if I can ever sort it out is that. I personally if I am able, am just going to be sending snippets of the post, just like I was advised to do on Medium.

I created this site for a reason and love having people stop by. It's as though all of you are greeting me and saying "lovely to see you, no time for coffee and a chat but I need a quick update and then I'll be on my way."

(If you ever change your mind and do want that coffee and chitchat, feel free. It would mean a lot to me).

If you were to read the whole thing in the email and stop visiting. I would be heartbroken. It takes a second to click on a link and I don't have adverts up. I am not trying to sell you anything. I just like sharing a part of me that rarely gets to be seen.

That's just my perspective and you may feel differently and go elsewhere but these are my poignant memories and creations and I need to showcase them in a colourful way.

Forgive me.

I wish you could all be notified when I publish but it seems as though, there is only one email a day.

The cheating scent

I was a naive teenager at the time and he was an older man. (Guys my age didn't look twice at me).

We weren't exactly dating or friends but newly acquainted. My looks had come in, shape was beginning to form evenly but I still didn't think much of myself. 

I settled and thought that we were on our way to something meaningful until he called up one day.

"How are you doing?" He asked I replied I'm beautiful not because I felt it. 

I was just sick of being down on myself, others noticing and exploiting it and actually I was in a good mood that day. 

"Do me a favour, next time you come around wash that perfume off first or better yet, don't wear it. 

I got into so much trouble with my girlfriend!

The word just seemed to ring in my ears momentarily. The way he had said it so casually. 

I quickly composed myself (because they all seem to want to provoke me for a reaction, as if they're God's gift to womankind). Pfft. 

Equally lightly replying that actually I couldn't swing by after all. After that I just made an excuse and hung up. 

He called a few times after that but I dismissed them. At least he wasn't as bad as the verbal assaulter. 

You know those guys that ask or find out your precious vulnerabilities, promise to cherish you and then in the same breath tell you they're embarrassed to be seen with you. 

Or that you're unattractive and don't have a good figure. Then as much as you don't want to believe his cruel devastating words. 

A voice in your head pops up and says "What if he's right? What if the worst characteristics that I think about myself are true?" 

I partially argued back but my heart wasn't in it. I was already letting his words wash over me. 

His voice suddenly softened and without apologising or recounting his insidious taunts he said "Come on over. 

We'll kiss and makeup and more if you're lucky."

As damaged and as lost I felt. I knew deep down I was an OK person. 

I always adamantly refused to see him after those fights but I'll never forget our last conversation. 

"You know what? I have something to tell you that will really hurt you." Nonplussed I replied for him to continue. 

"It's your fault. You refused to come over so I invited my ex and she spent the night."

In the softest sweetest voice possible, I said "Good." He was so taken aback and confused. 

I followed up with. "I'm so happy for you both and it's great news."

He was reeling from shock and could only splutter out "But But But. What about you? What about us?" 

I smiled barely containing my mirth and stated. "I'm going to be just fine. There is no us. Goodbye." 

Unfortunately this is all too true but one thing I knew for sure? He was lying. 

He was alone but he wanted to stick the knife in and twist it. Sadly for him, I realised my self worth. 

Six months later he called to say "You know, if we had carried on dating. 

I would have proposed and made you my wife." I physically shuddered at the thought, cut him off and blocked his number. 

I finally figured out because he didn't like himself and knew I was out of his league. 

He just had to break my spirit and then I would be easy to manipulate. 

Moral of the story? If you're spiteful enough to burn someone, better check who is holding the matches first! 

Figuring it out/Medium content

Oh no! A sudden realisation just hit me, now that I have dismantled my relationship with Bloglovin. I never set up a Blogger Follow Me button and have just now set up Follow Me By Email. 

I'm such an amateur I don't even know if I set up the feed thingy correctly. No wonder people are just bookmarking the site and not signing up. I didn't even set up my site professionally. Ugh. So many settings to take care of. 

Hopefully that will just provide a link back to my blog and not the whole post, else I will never have visits whenever I post and visitors can read at leisure knowing there is fresh or classic content ready for perusal. 

I had a little competition win today so a positive start as I'm saving up for some perfume. I made a new writer friend and it was fun and daunting comparing writing styles but it is all good experience to build my confidence.

All the fiction posts I put up on Medium have finally had some feedback, well two have. Annoyingly, the post with actual reads had no feedback but the post with zero reads had the claps (likes).

I shall just press on and hope it improves. 

Blog growth

I feel a lot better today, despite the fact that J hasn't called. I think my best bet is to go through my options and decide whether or not to take a step backwards in order to move forwards.

Option 1 is sign back up to Pinterest and faff around with boards taking up precious time. Everyone seems to recommend this.

Option 2 is list it in some blog directories which I can't seem to do. What am I afraid of? That someone will call me a sham blogger because I'm not popular and don't conform to having images or personal details present?

Option 3 is I guess signing up to Facebook as an alternative place to advertise.

Option 4 is downsizing to a smaller platform, more chance to get noticed and get involvement going.

Conclusion I really like Blogger and I value how much I've grown and my writing has evolved into something good. I've tried LiveJournal, WordPress, Medium, Anonyme, PointBlog, Tumblr and none of them feel like home to me.

At least with Blogger I don't need to have coding knowledge. I can change the font colour/style without taxing my brain and although it's not my own personal website, it still feels like mine.

It takes no effort and instead of taking up time with learning how it works I can just get on and publish. I have to at least try option 2. I'm not a bad blogger. 

People just need to discover me and I need to push against my insecurities and promote myself even though I feel apprehensive about it. Think good thoughts.

All the blog chats seem to be contained on Facebook but how do anonymous bloggers join in? I'm not joining through my main account, defeats the purpose and you can't sign up to Facebook without a real name. 

Also it sucks being one of few that actually vents my real feelings out. Angry, depressed, downcast instead of being perky 24-7.

I don't feel catered to at all. 

I did it. I actually followed through with it. My face is still flushed but I still did it. The facebook page is created, linked to website done, the twitter refused to link so blah.

I already started contributing to others posts. I feel less isolated already. Others are frustrated and feeling defeated also. I'm off to eat, the worst is over and I wasn't rejected from the group.

Go me :D

 

Dear J

You'll never see this because you never asked to see my blog but as I reconnected with you tonight and I hadn't seen you since January, I guess I wanted to say thanks, thanks for your unique friendship.

How to explain it? You and I just synced from the beginning. It's probably now been a year and a half to two years off and on we've known each other. 

I always drew a line with platonic friendship and flirting but ours just seems to work without any romantic feelings present. 

I don't know if we ever did discuss it in depth or maybe you just interpreted the hints that I just wasn't looking but regardless, we seem to be comfortable in each others presence without boring each other, fighting or having misunderstandings. 

I think I just needed a friend to hangout with, laugh and be myself around. 

No guard, no impressing, no watching what I said, just enjoying your company and secretly pleased that you weren't "over me." By that I just mean, having outgrown our bond.

We don't really do deep and meaningful although I did explain my circumstances and you never criticised or judged. You just asked some follow up questions. 

I know I'm not the easiest person to get to know and maintain a companionship with but somehow you got me feeling safe enough to confide in you and you didn't break my trust. 

Honestly I do wish you were a bit more candid about your life and feelings but I accept that we are both not big talkers. 

Although having said that, there is many a night we've just stayed up talking, laughing and mercilessly teasing each other.

You're not the greatest with follow up calls and you promised to call tomorrow but we shall see. 

You'll just never know how much I needed you tonight. I've been feeling lost, disconnected and out of sorts and seeing you just made me smile so much. 

I think, well I know part of what makes our friendship work is that. 

You say "No." to me a fair bit and I'm not used to that. I can usually get my own way easily. 

Also you're not clingy or mushy. You have the balance between compliments, ribbing and space. 

You ask the very minimum of me and express humble gratitude in exchange. 

The sweetest part of the night is that you gently enquired whether you would see me soon and didn't want to say goodbye, even though you had an early shift tomorrow.

My frail ego needed this today. Tomorrow not so much but appreciated all the same.

I hope you have the sweetest of dreams and it's enough to know that you occasionally think about me, just as you flicker across my thoughts also. 

Take care

-X-

Fancy an m&m? (fiction)

Don't be a silly goose. Of course that doesn't stand for confectionery. I am referring to a hand/arm massage and a manicure.

Everybody knows that! 

However if that is what your heart truly desires, then so be it. 

Hmm..? Suddenly not so keen on the choccies? 

Oh don't stop there, my dear. Keep the compliments *cough* *grovelling* *cough* going.

Uh huh and? Really?

I never knew you thought that highly of me.

List my ten highest qualities!

*Roaring with laughter* S-stop. Se-riously. Heavens above. I was only messing with you. 

There was no need to actually sing my praises but appreciated all the same oh gullible one ;)

Wraps a heating blanket over your shoulders and dims the lights. 

Just for a lark, I shake an empty peanut butter jar that I've written *tips* on. 

No. We do not accept smiles as gratuity! What kind of mock salon do you think I'm pretend running here? Cheapskate! Hmpff!

I slide your rings off your fingers and drop them into the tip jar. Stating I may or may not return these afterwards.

I slide a heated pink bamboo towel under your hands and carefully inspect them. Tutting and shaking my head disapprovingly.

Why are they in such disarray? I even gave you a manicure set for your birthday this year. 

Pardon? Oops oh yea. I forgot your birthday and avoided you for a fortnight afterwards. 

Well.. Er.. I was in a crisis. Someone had the audacity to eat my last rolo!

Care to pick a colour? 

Um don't you think that is a bit tacky?

Calm down it was only an observation. Don't blame me if you get solicited!

Sighing I cast the nail polish aside and place your unkempt hands in the slightly cooled hot water glass bowl filled with rose petals and soaked in a grapeseed carrier oil mixed with rose and citrus essential oils.

I unroll the manicure kit like a badass. Picking out all the handy tools I'll be using. 

I pluck your hands from the bowl and place them on the towel, wiping them with a large red bamboo flannel.

Next I pick up the lemongrass nail polish remover and the fluffiest cotton pads I could find and rub along your fingernails until you look presentable again.

You really should moisturise. Your hands feel butch. 

I lift your left hand and place it in mine. Would you like square or round nails?

Tough. I only know how to style square nails. I was only being polite giving you a choice. 

I take out the file and start shaping the nails on your left hand. 

I then drop it and pick up your right hand and do the same. After that is complete. I buff them, completing the preparation.

I place your expertly tidied nails back into the bowl, having topped it up with more hot water. 

After a few minutes, I remove them again and place them on the towel.

I flip the cap of the pink grapefruit scrub open and squeeze a generous amount onto my palm and I smear my hands together blending it fully. 

I love the grainy sound of a scrub.

I take your left hand in between my palms and start rotating them in a soothing, stroking manner. 

I repeat the same with your right hand and then I place them both back on the towel.

I press down with a light force just utilising my fingertips on each of your hands simultaneously, starting with your fingertips. 

I glide in small circles deeply penetrating your skin, moving up past your knuckles and on to your hands and wrists.

I then turn your hands over and repeat the same movements. Starting from your fingertips, all the way up to your wrist. 

Smoothing your hands all over with feather like caresses.

I grab your left hand and place it between my hands and start to grind my hand up your arm, letting the scrub sink in.

I press down a little and slide my hands towards me and back upwards a few times.

Then I finish up in a more circular motion, tackling your hand from the top and bottom.

Blending the scrub in and coating your arm until it feels soft.

I let go of your left hand and reach for your right hand to carry on sliding it between my palms and then work it higher on to your arm until it is thoroughly coated. 

I massage it in with round touches and then sweep up and down.

I place your hands back on the towel and disappear to rinse off and empty the bowl. 

I return and refill the bowl with hot water and rose essential oil. 

I take a squeezy purple sponge, dip it in the water and start to remove the scrub from your hands and arms. 

This time I just glide it forwards and backwards, flipping your hands around to finish off.

I get a new towel and rub away the excess moisture from your hands and arms with gentle dabs. 

Now that you are dry. I scoop up a handful of the cranberry body butter and massage it into your hands using my thumbs and fingers, until it glows and feels silky.

I then place your hands down and start applying the base coat, meticulously brushing your nails like a professional. 

After that dries I apply two coats of your tacky varnish.

I get up to admire my handiwork. Damn I'm good, especially with what I had to work with. 

Please show yourself out and don't forget your gawdy jewellery!

Just before you leave I place a bag in your hand with an M&M gift box, a deluxe manicure set and a bottle of pink non alcoholic bubbly.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not a joiner, I'm a lurker!

The realisation of that just came to me. I think that is why I am struggling to promote myself and reach a wider audience. 

I have just seen some Twitter blogging communities but I dare not press the Follow button because you have to link to your blog and I just can't seem to do it.

I just want to have a simple chat and say, so this blogging lark, it's not as great as it is cracked up to be at times, is it? It can be very lonely and kill your confidence. 

I don't feel comfortable being thrust into the limelight. I feel like I would rather just separate someone from the main group and pick their brain instead of jumping in and being out of my depth. I have just been baby-stepping it this whole time.

I still appear to be playing it safe. I haven't seen anything UK specific or something that is particularly targeted to personal bloggers though.

If I go ahead and join up. My tiny little vulnerable blog would be put under a microscope and I'm not sure I'll be able to cope with that. Maybe I'm just feeling especially sensitive today?

For now I will just continue browsing from the sidelines but I am going to find some blogs to either follow or at least engage with.