Floundering

I had an onslaught of panic attacks and this time no tools to help me combat it. I had barely slept the night before, severe cramps having kept me up and in the morning after missing the two alarms that I set. 

There was nonstop nausea. No time for makeup or even a breath. I looked down at my phone and unfortunately it was completely dead.

No secret tool to help me face the outside world. I was ok at first and then I had a multi trigger attack and I just froze. People kept asking me if I was alright and I mumbled yea. I feel like such a freak even after all this time.

It has really been such a rough couple of months. There are less comfortable positions to sleep in and walking is just shuffling forward grimacing at how tense and tender I feel. 

I was hoping to get a break and go away for a bit but it was cancelled. I spent the holidays alone fatigued by pmt, constantly running out of food and distancing myself from loved ones.

I broke off contact with my last penpal. Part of me thought that I would have more time to write and the other part knew I was just empty inside. 

My creativity has abandoned me. It's a new year and I still don't feel whole again. I had a dry December opting not to snack anymore and have stuck religiously to it even now but nothing else has snapped me out of the funk I am in.

I keep reminiscing about my younger days, walking, partying, shopping, just being spontaneous. Now I have to think about whether there is seating, transport close or how close it is to where I live incase I need to rest. 

I miss those days. I miss the girl I used to be. I loathe saying no to invitations because I know that it is an all-day event with no time for a proper break but this is just my life now and has been for over a decade.

Another of my highlights is gone as I've just been told my account is officially blocked/banned from the bingo promotions for life. 

The only thing I can think of is that I had not made a deposit in a while but kept withdrawing and I may have made a few complaints about cheaters. 

There are countless multiple account names listed winning the free bingo so I suggested they look into it but nothing came of it, yet moi, with my one measly honest account gets condemned, pretty laughable really. 

Good job I have another bingo site I use. I have made a delicious profit so I didn't make a fuss, just said fine. Down the road I will look for a suitable replacement.

I think the only bright spark for a while has been my unflailing confidence in myself, someone recently tried to make me feel inadequate and I didn't even feel a little hurt. 

I just calmly told him that he himself must have some deep insecurities to try and make someone else feel bad. 

I finally realised that if I ever did start dating again and fell into old patterns with a nice man on the outside and a vindictive man on the inside, that I could handle myself and not turn myself inside out trying to be a perfect ideal.

Parenting the parent

It is strange how as I have gotten older I find myself talking semi sternly with my mother about certain aspects and she tries to convince me otherwise which I smile at and remember how I used to do the same with her. 

She does reluctantly listen and it's always to benefit her and not myself but each day I catch myself and think about how time is passing by. 

It scares me sometimes. The thought of losing another parent and being on my own. I am a grown woman living independently but knowing that I can call my mum up anytime and get some advice or just have a chat is so wonderfully warm and fuzzy. 

I don't want to regret missing out so even if I'm busy, I usually just make time for it.

I don't like the idea of getting older but I have at least stopped freaking out about it.