It was such a burden to grow up in a weight obsessed household. Every snack and meal scrutinised and then being mocked for having a healthy appetite.
I couldn't stand it and then I remember the times when there was not enough money for food when my parents separated and I felt so hungry and frantic that when there was an abundance of food laying around I would overeat and enjoy the feeling of a happy full stomach.
I was pretty much a chubby teenager, not really into sports but always had my head stuck in a book absorbing knowledge and dreaming of a better place.
I went from gorging, to grazing and then bouts of eating nothing because I discovered I could. The problem was after the meal skips or going a day without eating it became harder to have a meal, although inside I was famished.
I completely took it to heart, all the sideway looks I received and the disapproving tone when I was still peckish and possibly craving dessert.
Nowadays I listen to my body and act accordingly to my needs. I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full.
Three times my weight has drastically fluctuated from big to small because of severe stress and trying to adapt to having health issues and chronic pain.
I can no longer do the workouts I used to do because it's too harsh so I have to adapt them or do alternatives which are less taxing but is making the weight loss very slow.
I also keep injuring myself no matter how gentle it is and then have to rest up which is frustrating also.
Part of me would love to just not care and continue to be overweight and half happy in my skin but the other part remembers what it was like to not carry around extra stones and waltz into a store able to find my size in pretty much any outfit.
Nowadays I shop online and to be honest there is much more variety and style. I am less forced to pick something I'm unsure about.
My wardrobe had gotten quite drab and boring with practical but unfeminine clothes but over the past few months I have updated it with some pretty skirts and my first two maxi dresses in very bold colours.
I just don't know when I'll have the courage to wear them out.
If I'm completely honest there is another reason that I haven't been as dedicated to losing it and that is because I'm afraid I will be tempted to go back into the dating pool.
It has not served me well at all and my energy needs to be directed at staying positive and upbeat which is hard enough to do, without adding a guy to stress me out into the mix.
I wished that when I was slim I had relaxed more and felt confident but I feel like there was always somebody chipping away at the little confidence I did have until I just wanted to be so skinny I'd turn invisible and blend into any background.
I do feel a lot stronger and now I am able to define myself as cute and then a head turner when I was in my teens/early twenties but I know that I would look and feel so much better if I trimmed down and made the effort to exercise regularly.
