#BlogLife585 - I ear you boot

Song of the day - Plies/Neyo - Bust It Baby Part 2

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_yyDbsNUWQ&list=PL_S79tzxwHpOjlynfkGbkx-UC99ltSAXW&index=61

C got back to me today with the same unfeeling attitude. He didn't ask how I was doing?

If my day was any better, just launched into his own thing, what he wanted to talk about, made it all about himself, again.

I can't see myself responding. It's just too tedious for words. At least I can have more of a lay in tomorrow, my hair is washed, nails are filed.

And I plucked one eyebrow, the left one lol. The right one was being a pain to access.

Even the buses were running sporadically, I didn't even do my makeup because I didn't have enough time.

I feel weepy today for some reason. Oh I forgot to mention I got into a new Turkish drama, or did I tell you?

It's called Gizli Sakli, a recently trained cop goes undercover with a veteran bitter cop, who thinks he knows better than the newbie.

But she's pretty sharp and good at thinking at her feet so her instincts are better than his, yet he resents her for it.

And he constantly puts her down. It started off good, as they all do and now I'm struggling a bit to watch it.

It's a short show, I don't know if it got cancelled or it was designed to only be about maybe ten or less episodes.

But both of them can be unprofessional and naive and you would think they would know better.

A bit less trusting and more suspicious.

Ok that does it, I have officially lost my mind ever since the clocks changed.

All day my purse has been stuck to my bag and I just went to retrieve it to pay the bill and then remembered I already took it out, but it wasn't attached to the lining anymore.

Then I felt really cold and recalled I had put the blankie on high, just felt it and it was off.

Sighs.......... Can we restart the week please? Before I lose it completely and have to call the men in white coats to padlock me in one of those white padded cells..

Alright at least I solved the blankie thing. Um it turns out the plug wasn't pushed in properly.

Now the weirdness continues. I lost my eye drops. I have no idea where they ran away too :(

But as I was putting on my purple booties today, guess what I found?

Did you guess the drops? Wrong, thanks for playing. It was my beloved earbud, the one that I thought was lost forever.

I am so thrilled as the new one is absolutely rubbish, battery life wise.

The seller actually emailed me today and asked for a positive review, he didn't say, Are you happy? Is there any issue?

Which totally vexes me. I'm actually looking forward to writing my feedback now and it won't be good.

I feel sleepy and my stomach is doing that flpflop thing. I'm trying out a new restaurant.

A chicken and spinach tagliatelle pasta dish. I hope it's tasty, I would have ordered from my semi regular place but they don't serve drinks.

And I need something fizzy to calm my tumtum down. I steered away from my favourite shop.

I have goodies at home and I didn't have the energy, which is probably a good thing anyway.

#BlogLife584 - Running a day early

 Song of the day - Olatunji/Stadic - Jiggle It

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIwDrYijT2o&list=PL_S79tzxwHpPMvQb_ft0dgOQA7kcRZsUA&index=63

Ugh I hate when companies change their lunch hours. I just called up to pay a bill, only to hear they are closed.

All last week I totally forgot and now it's a lil late. I will try later if I remember, probably after 2pm to be safe.

It has been raining all day and I'm just waiting for my groceries to arrive.

I ordered some new noodles to try Indo Mie, the chicken version as they were 50p.

I also saw cod fillet burgers which are new but I forgot to get them. I think I prefer the thicker noodles, Naked has some new varieties also.

Sometimes I'm more inclined to have snacks as meals. I vary it because something heavy, doesn't appeal to me.

I feel so sleepy. I have to pluck my eyebrows, they are such a mess.

My gums feel better though, I listened to a whole binaural beats video and it helped.

With the anti nausea, which I haven't been feeling sick much these days, I only have to have it on for a short while and I'm cured.

Binaural beats are so varied, they help some people but not others and some videos have an immediate cure and others take from half an hour to a few hours.

Too lil too late, I realised yesterday was in fact Sunday and that's why the offices were closed all day.

I went out thinking it was Tuesday and found my purse was stuck to the lining of my bag and no hard yanking would set it free.

I have to take a scissors and cut it loose, grr. I could not get anything from the market.

To be honest, I didn't really need anything I just wanted to have a look.

It was so strange not to see any stalls, they are doing road works so the market, some of it is closed.

Anyway tomorrow I will go back and try and recall what the purpose of the visit was.

I called up to try and pay my bill yet again, this time I got an answer and was transferred and then it just rang and rang.

Ugh. It's going to be one of those days, where nothing goes right.

At least yesterday was happier, today I must be hormonal, I feel bloated and annoyed.

Oh but on a sweet note, I wasn't entirely sure but I am still losing weight, my clothes definitely feel looser and my jacket is less snug, even bloated, so that's a good indication.

You know what the embarrassing thing is? All day I was looking at my phone, which has the day on it, in big bold letters and I still did not catch on, that today was Monday.

Yeesh!

#BlogLie583 - Have you ever encountered a boxed conversationalist?

Song of the day - Gabrielle - I Wish

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VjRiSubpWI8&list=PL_S79tzxwHpOjlynfkGbkx-UC99ltSAXW&index=57

It's late Friday afternoony and it's quite dark already, it's been raining for most of the day and I have felt lousy.

Normally I love when there is an abundance of stormy weather but I had a late night and didn't sleep well.

I spent the morning looking for my lens case, with my contacts enclosed in them, then I found them and my eyes stung because I thought I had rinsed off the cleaner but nope.

That burned for a good five minutes. Anyway I have since recovered well enough to see clearly.

And yesterday one of the regular randoms decided to migrate from chat to emails/phone.

And he had been really chatty, full sentences, very engaging and no text speak.

It seemed like a natural transition and then this morning I got his first email....

With the sum amount of five words. Ugh, he was one of those people.

You know the sort, that think once they have you away from rivals, ceases to make the effort.

His whole personality seemed to change before my eyes. Prior to this, he seemed caring and decent.

Then I tested the waters and said I was having a frustrating day and there was nothing, no response but his own agenda.

Whereas if I had said that on chat, he would have been full of sympathy or at least said something comforting, to acknowledge it.

I'm not saying he should make it all about me or be overly concerned but the reason we got on well was that it was mutual.

We had an equal back and forth discussing the days events and issues.

I have a feeling he would be the same on text, just irritatingly short, few worded messages that I would tire of very quickly.

That incessant beep beep and nothing of quality to be excited about.

Not every talk has to be deep and meaningful but I would like something of substance, rather than feeling someone is filling in time or distracting themselves, instead of making the effort to be interesting.

This one's name is C and he purposely held back his number and email, the email alright he sent me one today.

And funny for me, I have started enforcing this rule, which I can't remember if I've shared before.

Some guys are keen to have my contact details but I feel they are cowardly to actually use it.

So I've now started putting a stipulation that they have a week to use it, otherwise their number gets blocked, when they do.

Or I tell them to delete it and not bother because it can be months and then a random text will appear...

Heyyyy it's me..... (Never any name) and something like Wanna chat?

I still have a guy from 2017 that keeps asking if I want to continue emailing....

Yeesh!

My point is, why do they only appear to be full of life on one application and not another?

It's just peculiar to me as he was so shocked and happy when I shared my information.

Why would you then stop making the effort? Unless he's having a bad/rough day himself but then, wouldn't he have shared that?

We shall see, if he keeps this up, he won't last long. 

It's just such a contradiction from him profusely apologising that he missed one of our chat dates because of technical difficulties.

I wasn't actually mad, just disappointed and then he goes to this....... Selfishy behaviour.... Hmm.

At least I feel fully decompressed. I had a lovely hot shower/bath and gave myself a scalp massage as I usually do.

And now I am full of the scent of essential oils and horse chestnut.

Thoroughly moisturised and pampered. I still have to do the face mask tonight and my forehead continues to be drying out.

It seems like the Derma V10 from Lidl is not effective as a really deep moisturiser.

I wonder if Mama's one is better for excessive dryness? I'm tempted to switch to the Neutrogena but I'm saving that for travelling.

It's less bulky. I guess if it progresses to a worse state, I will definitely switch.

Ooh I must say after using the mud mask, I have to look up the name Eclat.

Wow, I have been using it for three months and it's only a 60ml tube.

To be honest, I only need a lil bit and it covers my whole face and neck.

I'm not so much into brands but rather something different, which has multiple benefits and that I have never used before.

My forehead has transformed from this dry, peely state back into bring soft and hydrated.

I'm pleased about that. For some reason I thought it was more expensive than £3.50.

I probably got a discount. I usually do.

#BlogLife582 - My happiest and only painkiller is music

Song of the day - Olatunji - Wining Good

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kk6a8ZcaPs0&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=1

Afternoony all on this bright Thursday where the sun is shining brightly but it's extremely cold indoors.

Hmm I got my earbuds today and the case was half charged. It took 2 hours to get it to a 100%.

But the T82 earbuds themselves are saying they are only 70% full. It's nearly 2.40pm we shall see.

But fast charge it is definitely not. I'm sure my other cases only take about an hour.

Alright I just confirmed it can't connect to two devices, boo, that's a shame. I can't switch between the laptop and the phone seamlessly.

It's definitely comfy, very minimal. I can't see any buttons or controls but I tend to use my phone or laptop to control the volume or switch songs anyway.

D replied to my email and said he would rather fully concentrate and not rush than give me a quick meaningless reply.

He prefers to take his time and write me something longer and impactful instead, which I can respect.

The volume has the capacity to be really high. It's on low and loud so that's a nice feature.

I was doubtful but it does seem to have stereo sound quality, even on the louder side, it's still clear and not distorted.

It's Bluetooth 5.3 and the battery is draining really fast. I wonder if it's a dud pair?

I'm cooking some salmon nuggets but I wish I had a dip to accompany them, if I remember correctly, I think they are on the dry side.

I'm trying not to purchase condiments too often because of the salt and sugar content but there are times, when the food is sooo dry, it needs something to compliment it.

Ooh just tried out the Nivea Gentle Cream Wash, it smells lovely and is infused with almond oil.

Is a lovely pink shade, it's not too thick which I prefer, it glides on and washes off easily.

I honestly can't tell if it has beads or not, but if it contains them, they are extra tiny. 

Something felt a lil grainy, I don't know. The results are my skin looks and feels smooth but my forehead is dry.

Hmm so it's a mixed outcome but it is only my first try. I am attempting to moisturise every day and that helps but I feel my face is really beginning to get severely dehydrated.

I don't know if I recommend it yet.

Okay that is nuts. I have just checked the battery percentage as it had gone down to 50% and now it is saying 70%.

I think it's possessed. I'll guess I will have to monitor it.... Weird!!

Hmm now it says the battery is dead in one earbud and the other says 60%.

Three lousy hours?? Instead of 10?? Ripoff!

#BlogLife581 - An agreeable savage

 Song of the day - NSYNC - Girlfriend

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3WmirUc-EPw&list=PL_S79tzxwHpOjlynfkGbkx-UC99ltSAXW&index=60

I know I'm incredibly late today, sorry about the tardiness. I just had a lot to do and shopping to get.

But now I'm free to write and think clearly. I probably only had a few things to get from Ocado, which was the mouthwash (Corsodyl) and a face wash.

The pink rose Nivea one, which I can't even recall if I've used that one before.

Plus I love the Badedas so much I bought another one. Then I think the rest was snackies.

They just broadened their lunch range and I rarely, in fact don't see beef sandwiches at all, so when I saw one, beef and horseradish, which I wasn't sure I had ever tried before..

I thought it was worth a shot, plus a new range of sushi, woop. The chicken katsu which again is not spicy, phew but really tasty is great, plus there is another one I have to try.

I can't think of the name and I'm too tired to look it up. I feel pretty good aside from feeling a lil tender and tired.

I've been wrapped up and for the most part, taking it easy, aside from tasks I had to sort out.

So that helped de-stress my body. I found some more recommended tunes on Youtube, more songs of the day coming.

Also I took the plunge and saw a £15 bluetooth earbud set on Ebay and got it and it's supposed to come tomorrow afternoon, we shall see.

Ideally I wanted a newer bluetooth version, a multiple device pair option, stereo sound, good price, a long distance range and a clickable button operation, as those make it easier.

Rather than facing the disconnection, having to put it back in the case to restart it because it's switched itself off and then taking it back out again to pair, ughhhh.

Mine has some of the above, the description was a bit short, oh and of course, insanely long battery life.

Now on to the title. I wouldn't say I was a pushover, I can stand my ground but sometimes I'll accept that I'm in a nice surrounding..

I like the company and I will be more willing to play nice, as it were.

To be more accommodating and meet someone halfway or offer a bit more of myself.

Now I don't often do this because I rarely feel comfortable or as though I'm with someone that's going to give me my space and allow me to go at my own pace.

Yesterday I did that. I had spoken to this random before and he seemed fun, although some slight immaturity and stubbornness were coming through.

But I ignored that and yesterday I don't know if I was testing the waters but we were in opposite sides and at first I didn't think much of it.

But then he started being particularly rude. What's the word I'm looking, demoralising? 

It's like when you're going for the kill, you don't just want to hurt someone, you want to mess with them.

And I thought, hmmm, so that's the way you're going? He could have said, let's compromise or this is why I feel strongly, can you please hear me out?!

But nope it got vicious and I wasn't totally invested but before that, he had seemed alright.

Afterwards though I was laughing because I knew that I was going to torture him back but worse.

Some silliness I will block and ignore, with others I get my claws out.

And it is because certain characters because I'm sweet to them, think I won't stand up for myself, they assume I'm exploitable.

This is where I teach them a lesson. To respect others. I threw it back in his face and called him a Useless Bastard!

He was floored and his only response before he left with his ickle wickle tail between his legs was..... Hey.

As in how dare you. My response was simply, Exactly, not nice is it??

Don't underestimate the nice ones, we all have claws and we all bite!!

#BlogLife580 - Would you let your partner dirty dance with another?

Song of the day - Machel Montano/Patrice Roberts - Like Yuh Self

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjOf0MyeQPc

I like the beat of this one but not the lyrics, unless I have it wrong.

The message is like yourself by being slutty and dirty dancing with whomever you feel like and I as your partner, have no claim and will do the same?

Ickkkk. I would only do that with someone I was seriously dating and to be honest, I don't even think I would do that.

There are too many songs about cheating or a gateway to it, as when you get flustered, your inhibitions get lowered and the temptation is there to get carried away.

Why put yourself in that situation in the first place? I would find it disrespectful.

I remember on a first double date, the guy I was with was trying to do that to me and I stepped back and said No thank you.

I did not feel comfortable at all but maybe that was also because I didn't find him appealing.

I hold my hand up and confess, I have done it before but I think it was a more tame version.

I only recall our thighs touching and that was the extent of it lol.

Unlike what I write in my books, which is a bit more explicit. I admit when I'm on own, with friends, I can be a bit more daring.

Shimmying, wigging my bottom, swaying my hips to the music, that kind of thing and I have been dancing all day today.

Which has elevated my mood because I feel a bit off, tired and pmt-ish, bloated and uncomfortable.

Plus my gums are inflamed again, ugh. I keep gargling with salt water and I'm running out of that special mouthwash so I'll do an Ocado Zoom this week.

The dirty dancing I'm referring to is the umm, the grinding, hip to hip type of thing, which is a lil too spicy for me.

Are you inhibited? Or do you try things once? Do you say No to new experiences or push yourself to go out of your comfort zone a lil?

There is no right or wrong answer. It is whatever you feel alright doing and won't have horrible regrets afterwards.

Most of the time, I have felt split. My initial thought is to object and take myself out of this potential scary situation, which I can't control.

Other times I have tested my limits and gone for it with mixed results.

I'm not sure what pushes me to make an exception. I guess I go with my gut.

I spoke to one of the randoms, a newer one, who was local-ish and he wanted to meet for a drink and I thought maybe that wouldn't be so bad....

But then he kinda keeps insisting on coming back to my place, which I already explained was out of the question but it's as though he is ignoring my objections, which is offputting.

Plus for some reason the second conversation I had with him was extremely awkward for some reason.

Oh possibly because he has the crappiest phone and 99% of the conversation was me saying, You're muffled, which is just ridiculous.

How do you get to that point, where you can't be heard but still keep the same phone?

If money is an issue, get a second hand one, although he was saying he likes his Iphones, so he can't be that hard up for money, they cost a fortune as do the Samsung ones.

I haven't really spoken to him since and I think the other reason for that, is I can see him getting really clingy.

As I told him that the next call would probably be in the evening, when I'm free.

During the day, I like to write, nap, do any paperwork necessary, sort through my emails and whatever else needs my attention.

In the evenings, I slow down and have more free time, away from multi tasking.

He literally said, what were you doing all day, that you couldn't contact me sooner?

Which was a huge red flag. If the random isn't busy having their own life and responsibilities but waiting for me?

Ugh, I can't respect that. I would feel smothered, which is probably the real reason I didn't give him my name or number or email.

My instincts said run. As there have been times, when I've been happy to call and be called during the day or have a text session but only because the random in question, was also busy.

They were multi tasking and occupied but made the time for me because they were as into me, as I was to them.

Otherwise I am just repelled by the amount of attention received.

#BlogLife579 - Are you easy going or a control freak?

I consider myself to be on more of the control spectrum. Everything doesn't always have to be a certain way.

I'm not totally inflexible but the more I know myself, the more I have preferences.

Growing up I feel there was very lil choice and even if I wanted something different, I was too timid to speak up.

Now it's made me extra tough and cold hearted, particularly when I feel I am being taken for granted, ignored or aggressively told to change my mind.

I feel I will hear someone out if they have strong opinions but not if they are dictating to me, that because they feel this way, I should also.

I also don't like having to repeat myself, if I've been crystal clear on a matter. That to me is tantamount to being unheard.

I do tend to get very angry in those circumstances because I never feel respected most of the time.

Why should I have to hammer home my point? Why can't saying it once be enough?

D just replied to my email and I was laughing all the way through it.

I sent him some Youtube recipes that I grew up eating with my family as he mentioned buying a pumpkin.

Actually there was a bunch of pumpkin paratha recipes that I have never even heard of, sounded really cool so I emailed him that one also.

Even though I blocked his number, I reminded him of a cheat way to get in touch, I don't think he will use it.

And I'm not really fussed either way but it will be interesting to see him flustered and what excuse he makes not to use it. Ha.

Another random keeps asking for photos, ugh. The bore. I've told him NO, a bunch of times.

Now he's sulking. I wonder what his next reply will be? I can see myself blocking him soon.

He's trying to goad me, by being insulting, every now and then. 

I'm used to that crap so it doesn't work on me. I prefer when the randoms accept my decision and not whine about not getting their way.

*Rolleth my eyeth*

Aww I'm sad, I woke up and I was really tired last night and forgot to put my regular bluetooth earbuds away, when I switched to the overnight ones.

I must have left them on top of the bed, as I found one on the floor but the other one, I can't seem to locate so now I am left with 2 sets only.

Over time, the battery depletes faster and faster. I have to admit, that the one lost BX17, now only lasts a few hours, maybe 5 or 6.

Whereas the others last twice that amount but it was my favourite to go out in, as it had the snuggest fit, the rest are a bit loosey goosey.

#BlogLife578 - EDF are getting incompetent!

I woke up at 8amish and felt sluggish so I slept some more and got up a while later.

It's absolutely freezing so I was making some hot cheesy toasties and going through the mail and nearly had a heart attack.

This is the second time, that EDF has written to me, saying I'm in debt, over a £1k worth.

I've always paid my bills, even if I've struggled and I thought what have I been paying, if it hasn't gone into my account??

Are EDF stealing from me? Then I thought hmm, what if it's the neighbours as it says Business account and I'm a resident.

I looked at the address and name but there was no name. I compared the account number to mine and nope not a match either.

Yeesh that frightened me. I'm glad it's not me but EDF should still be way more careful and not get muddled.

I can't be bothered to call up and shout at them.

I have gotten into a new show, well it's old but new to me, called Reign.

It's another oldy worldy monarchy type show. A young King and Queen, Mary and Francis navigating through life, politics, scheming and heartache.

It's a bit dark magicy, which I'm not a fan of but the cast is great and I recognise a fair few of them which is nice.

I actually wasn't sure who I wanted her to end up with, she was torn between two brothers.

Lots of action, romance and lovable characters, I recommend it so far, just finished season 1.

#BlogLife577 - Doctor/Nurse SS - I'm healing myself

My latest cravings are the hula hoops puft crisps, if you've never tried them, give it a shot.

I just like the original ready salted flavour, I think it's available in beef too but meh, too salty.

And I've just tried the Halloweeny Mr Kipling chocolate orange slices, wow, so so good and not over-sweetened like their usual range.

I just thought it was something different to sample and ugh they were sold out of those yummy Bahlsen biccys.

Ocado actually has the hazelnut version, when I do my next Ocado Zoom order, I'll try it then.

At least the Zoom doesn't cause me any issues, I really quite like the mini shop option.

It always seems to have the majority of what I can't get from Iceland.

Mouthwash at times, sanitary towels, my Radox bath soaks (in different versions).

Plus certain flavoured drinks but actually this time, Iceland surprised me.

For the first time in ages, Always maxi pads were in stock and I wanted to get 3, but only 2 were available but that's still handy.

I still have 2 packs of Kotex pads to use, that is leftover. Also they have never stocked the lemon squash from Robinsons but I saw another make.

It's Swizzels Refreshers. I didn't even know they did drinks, I thought it was just sweets.

Anyway this is a more, an ever so slightly sweeter version, they are both sugar free and it's really refreshing.

But the Robinsons version is tarter and I've gotten used to that, both are still good but that that is the comparison.

The more I use the Badedas all in one shampoo product, the softer my hair gets.

It's a super conditioner. I would recommend it and I will either buy it again or get the Vatika one because their shampoos are impressive also.

I'm quite disappointed and I blame myself that the anti nausea video, which helped me naturally burp, as disgusting as that is, has been set to private.

Maybe the owner wants to monetise or maybe they are closing their channel.

I should have downloaded it. I mean't too and completely forgot.

I cannot find anything remotely effective. I guess I'll have to slow down on my eating, consume less or drink more maybe.

Binaural beats doesn't work for everyone but for me, I would rather search for useful videos, that take any sort of pill for my ailments.

I want to be as natural as I can and not add long term chemicals into my body, doing permanent damage to my insides.

#BlogLife576 - Dear Bully 5 - I'm weak because I say so, not you!

Today I thought let me be open, weak, vulnerable and incapable of putting any defences up.

Just for this moment. Tomorrow I will continue to put on a brave front.

I don't feel any nausea or pain just a lot of bloating and some inner turmoil.

Usually I feel better not thinking about family and how I grew up. I had this weird daydream and it disturbed me further.

I thought what if social services had intervened and took me out of my home and I was placed with another family.

Would it have been any better? Would they have been kinder or would I still fear that I would be harmed?

Would they have bolstered my ego or made me feel the same nothingness that I grew up with each day?

In this dream I was placed with a caucasian family who appeared to be kind but didn't want my truth, my opinions, my way of life getting in the way of their traditions.

I was served food, I barely tolerated, choosing to eat minimally or not at all.

I did all the chores I could think of to pay my way. I became less a member of the family, more a servant.

And then I spoke with the Social Worker and teachers and said I didn't belong anyway, so where did it matter how or where I ended up?

I guess my interpretation of this is that maybe the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Maybe I would have ended up even more screwed up.

I want to forget, to move on, to forgive or make peace of whatever the hell will let me have some tranquility....

But I can't.

How could I explain there was a problem at home, when I had grown up this way?

When you keep being silenced..... When you have a million things to say but someone halts you..

I think eventually my parents got tired of saying knock it off and just let him dictate.

At first I protested. Hey I have things to talk about too. But then I went internally.

He kept saying shhhhh. Was there a reason, it was only ever said to me?

Maybe what I had to say wasn't relevant and then years passed and I thought, what if nothing I say is intelligent?

Better to not talk at all right? People were content to talk over me, ignore me, ridicule me, not take the time to get to know me.

Never thinking much of me and I take responsibility for being difficult to converse with.

But by that time I already considered myself invisible. Talking was so difficult I couldn't even express myself, even if I wanted too.

I'm supposed to grow up and be a better version of my family. Be kinder to others, treat them better.

Be a whole person, instead of a broken one but there is some sort of guilt maybe, eating away at me.

I should have been tougher? I should have risked a beating and stayed true to myself.

Screamed at him to stop bullying me. To shut the hell up himself.

To leave me alone! I should have forced myself to integrate better, maybe fake friends were better than none at all?

This is what I wanted to confront. This is what I wanted to air out.

Because I don't blame myself for being a scared child or adult. I blame my parents for not truly having my back.

I did or said anything at all, to protect myself and survive. I don't think badly of myself.

I commend myself for living through it and getting out of it.

Do that, do this, give me the power?!

Yes I admit, back then I had no confidence, no power, no safety.

And I still feel haunted by their presence, when it's noone near me.

To the few people that I told and I didn't convey that much but they didn't get how brutal it was.

My friend at school thought the worst was being done to me, she thought I was being sexually abused.

I told her a million times, I wasn't and that was the truth. It wasn't my body.

It was my mind being violated and tortured and stunted. At home or with friends, can you speak?

Can you express any big or small thing you wish too? I couldn't.

There was no place for me to have a voice and opinions. I had diaries and journals but even those were limited.

Even when I was alone, locked in my room, either pressed against the door, or barricaded in for my wellbeing.

While there were screams outside, violent threats, pounding on the door.

I couldn't open up, even to myself. It's fair to say I hate my family but I also love my Mama.

Love/Hate is accurate because my parents witnessed my torment and did nothing to stop it!

I mentioned this before and maybe I was 5/6years old at the time.

But I didn't talk at school for a whole year. Imagine not making friends, not volunteering answers when the teacher asked questions.

Imagine holding back, from what you wanted for 365 days. Maybe I was bullied, maybe others thought I was simple too?

Maybe they pitied me and included me anyway? Because that one memory I have of myself, is me being happy.

Maybe I was told that my Mama was coming to see me or to pick me up early? And that caused me joy?

I'm only guessing. I suppose I was scared, in case people pointed and laughed at my thoughts and ideas.

I was used to not saying much or anything at all. I don't recall my parents ever prodding me to open up.

Everybody was content with my silence. I think when I got a few years older..

I learned that in small doses, talking was alright. As long as I kept the important stuff hidden.

As a writer and blogger who has tried and failed to communicate. 

It became somewhat easier but I'm not sure I'll ever be totally transparent.

I don't think I want to be but when I like you, when I'm comfortable....

I can be soooo chatty, so animated, so willing to share....

Now I feel empty and drained of all emotion. Let's put the walls back up and return to a more closed, more secure, semi-normal state.

#BlogLife575 - Chatty chicks watching flicks 7 *My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3*

I still haven't found a new television show to get hooked on but as I was browsing I saw that My Big Fat Greek Wedding 3 had been released.

And even though I was starting to get tired I decided to watch some of it and then eventually the whole thing.

Ian Gomez, John Corbett's parents, Michael Constantine were all absent. The latter was because he passed away.

For a second I wondered if there was a new actress playing Paris' role but nope.

This was a more cuter, sweeter, less comedic film, although there were still amusing bits scattered throughout it.

I'm glad that the majority of the cast returned.

I'm a bit annoyed Iceland is having issues so I can't place an order, I had to use Ocado instead but it did remind me that I needed things that Iceland doesn't have so maybe it's a good thing.

Anyway the film was a tribute to Gus and his roots and going back to Greece for a reunion and so that Toula could bring his journal to his friends as a keepsake.

Maria his wife was only seen in short intervals, maybe the actress is poorly, I'm not sure, but she was missed for the majority of the film.

A few things bugged me about it. Ian the hubby, kept receiving welcoming gifts and although he learned Greek, seem to have forgotten so instead of saying thank you, he kept bowing.

Ugh, just express gratitude!!

Secondly the women were swimming in the lake and then I think it was Nick is seen at the waterfront, naked cupping his privates...

Ummm ewww. Why?? That's around your family, your niece, your Aunts. Why would you strip naked??

Gross! The actual wedding, was not who I thought. I assumed it would have been Paris getting hitched, even though she is really young but it wasn't.

What a morning. I had to do an Ocado shop in the end as Iceland website was acting up.

I was looking forward to all the goodies arriving and then when I check my emails. Cancelled grr!!

I had to do a same day delivery instead from Iceland which cost £4 instead of free delivery.

Ugh annoying, I know it's only £4 but it should have been free and I can't be bothered to deal with customer services about it.

At least I slept in a lil bit, until 10amish, instead of getting up at 7am, in case the shopping came early.

I decided to reply to D, Thursday night I think it was. I couldn't sleep and it felt normal to get back to him, as it was about 2 weeks that had passed.

He kept me waiting that long, so I did the same. I wasn't sure if he was fading me out but I thought if it happens, it happens.

I was really surprised to get a response from him so soon, this morning (Saturday).

Well technically it was Friday night but I didn't check my email then.

I was laughing reading it because he didn't see the connection with the timing at all.

He was just disgusted/disappointed/sorrowful that it took me 15 days to reply.

I had to point out that it was the same time as his prior response and that two weeks waiting time is cruel. Haha!!

It amuses me that some men don't realise their own behaviour until it's done to them and suddenly their eyes are open to it.

Every now and then the penpal requests still strickle in, some are spam, well most are.

A few are genuine but with no personal details provided. I need age, location is less important, although if there is a language barrier..

I am not open to that all, seems more a hindrance! Gender is important also, just for a sense of, do I have to be careful about what I say and how it is interpreted??

Most come off as romantic, even though they all say the same thing.

We loved your advert. Ahem, did you actually read it? I'm sure one of the many amendments was, I was after platonic friendships, not lovely dovey declarations!

#BlogLife574 - Downgrading but into a smaller dress size

Song of the day - Lady In Red - Chris De Burgh

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T9Jcs45GhxU

Sorry just thought of the perfect song of the day so had to add in this romantic music.

I almost said Good Morning but it's now 12pm so Good Afternoony, instead.

I had a drowsy start, kept sleeping and waking up and thanks to the Yodel app, it told me the red kaftan dress was arriving today.

But then it slipped out of my mind until I was getting ready in the morning and it jogged my memory but before I could grab my phone to check, the buzzer went.

I did not look the least bit cute, like they do in the movies, all softly tousled hair, no morning breath, full of makeup, nopee.

My hair was sticking up. I hadn't brushed my teeth yet and even though he's delivered to me half a dozen times, he kept asking my name. Yeesh.

I just wanted to grab the parcel and retreat inside. It's red and white and included in the package was a whole host of spam catalogues.

Ugh but I might leaf through the company's magazine. I guess it's personal preference but I always like my nighties or dresses to not be a slim fit.

I like it to be loose and comfortable to ramble about in but as the sizes were running out fast as they usually do with this company..

I bought a size smaller, well my size and I can't believe it fits nicely. It isn't snug at all.

It's actually perfect. I didn't realise how baggy the other ones were.

Now I will stick to this size. It has this wonderful silky feel and look. It's best suited for winter but I wear them all year round.

I tend to feel the chill. I'm not sure where to shop for an extra large replacement overnight weekender bag.

I see a lot of sports bags masquerading but I want a nicer, more durable one to last me years, as this one did.

I don't want to get it from the same place as the price would be too steep, is John Lewis still around?

Thank heavens I finally finished my period but still bloated. Ugh these pmt symptoms are still plaguing me.

#BlogLife573 - Good things can scare you too..

I forgot to mention that I skipped to the last episode of Sen Cal Kapimi after I watched the dullest weird murder mystery episode and couldn't stand to watch it anymore.

I was just interested in Melek and she found a rebound guy but I'm glad she didn't settle and found a Doctor that was more immediately smitten.

Mama also got me a moisturiser Cien Q10, which she loves and bought a whole load and gave me one to try.

She says it smells nice and is really hydrating and she's like me, eager to see what I think of it.

So even though I have 2 open, the Derma V10 I think it's called and the Neutrogena which I love, well I love both of them really.

First observation it has the usual foil covering but cripes it will not peel off. I'm going to have to stab it with some scissors and open it that way.

The war is over and the scissors made it just a tiny bit easier to break it apart.

It does smell sweet, not really of a particular scent. It's not thick looking, more thin and light.

But the texture on the face hits differently, that feels more luxurious, likes it really sinking in, very easily.

My face is very soft but a lil greasy. You do feel it as a layer on the skin and part of me can't wait to rinse it off, when I apply my face wash.

But for now I'll leave it on. It's now the morning and my face is still smooth, although my forehead is a lil dry.

To me it's nothing special, nothing stands out, it just feels like a normal cream but more affordable.

I think she paid just over a pound for it but I'm not sure if that was a sale price or a regular one.

I need a new show to binge but I don't know if I want to see another Turkish one, some of the males are such unapologetic dictators. Hmm.

I got a software update on my Nord ce2 lite phone but no android 14, not sure there will be one.

I'm sorry I should have posted this hours ago but I was busy and umm preoccupied.

Yesterday being in that much pain triggered an almost big panic attack.

I was telling myself to be calm and breathe but I had a vice like grip on the chair and I felt increasingly nervous and trapped.

I think that was a rare time I experienced claustrophobia in an open space.

But I'm alright just a lil........ Frazzled. Still which is why I couldn't publish until now.

#BlogLife572 - Treated like a Queenie

How's things? I'm writing tomorrow's post, tonight because I know I'll be exhausted.

I'm meeting Mama tomorrow for breakfast/lunch and we both mentioned we were craving veggie pakoras and some ladoos so she'll pick them up.

And I'm going to finally do the eyebrow shape and pedicure that I put off.

Then I'll get my booties from her and she said the phone stand I bought might be busted so will sort that out.

I did some pre-beauty tidy up and plucked a lil and removed the hard skin from my feet.

I wanted to look less scruffy I guess. Oh If I remember I'll epilate also. There's one lil patch of fuzz ha, on my legs.

My thighs are completely smooth. That's epilating for you. I'm back home, well been back for a while.

A nap wouldn't take and I was munching pakoras and my lunch. I ordered a chicken salad panini but I couldn't face it.

I pathetically nibbled some of the salad and took the rest to go. I feel a lil blah today. 

I guzzled down an orange fanta for the energy and that was it. I feel so drained and hormonal.

The pedicure was mostly great, the massage chair was relaxing me and I got three foot/leg massages.

I think soap, scrub and the final one was a cream but she pressed or squeezed so hard I actually screamed.

It's like no matter how many times I see them and repeatedly explain, can you be gentle please, they don't listen.

My face was cringing and contorted in pain, not so soothing but most of it was fine really.

Oops I got the prices wrong, I had it in my head that the pedicure was £20 and the brow shape was £5.

Nope, the pedicure is £25. I almost didn't have enough but I try to withdraw extra from the cashpoint just in case.

Oh yea, I was a bit miffed that, it was practically empty and after the pedicure, they said go in the room and we'll be there soon.

So I waited a bit, only to be told, sorry, we're too busy for it. Arghhh.

Aggravating because now I have to go there again, which is a tiring trek for me.

How are you too busy? There aren't any customers and there is 2 of you doing absolutely nothing but gossiping.

Ugh! Anyway that ticked me off. It seemed like they couldn't be bothered to do their jobs, as it would have taken 5 minutes, 10 at the most!!

Ooh I bought the red kaftan that I liked from Amazon which was a lil steep at £22 but the postage was free and the quality seems to last longer than other places.

But usually I get a size bigger so it's baggy, they didn't that size so I had to get my normal one, which I hope isn't tight.

The rest were colours I already had and some didn't have a size, which was disappointing.

I really would have got this bright blue one, that looked so pretty. It was nice to sit down with Mama and chill for a while.

I really fancy another fizzy to perk me up but I'm not going to bother.

Oh yea the booties. Firstly, I do like the colour, it's a bit plummy. It doesn't look old fashioned which I'm relieved about.

It looks small for a size 9, I'm more of an 8, but I get a bigger size to wear thick men's sockies inside.

I like the zip so I don't have to tie any laces, although the other one I can just slip my feet in them, without untying the laces.

I guess I'll see if I can wear thick socks with it. The summer sockies I bought, which Mama loves are a bit too thin for walking.

My feet felt a lil bruised today and I tried them on and they feel snuggly and warm and easy to wear.

I'm happy with them, shame it was such a headache to purchase them.

#BlogLife571 - I'm your friend but you were never mine!

I feel eerily calm today, probably due to everytime I woke up, I made myself go back to sleep so although very broken..

All together it was a decent night's sleep. An extremely rare occurrence for a lifelong insomniac.

I guess I've always had things on my mind, preventing me from letting go and having a blissful slumber.

Back then it was a fear of being beaten up and I didn't want a scratch on me.

Plus my parents separating and nowadays I guess it's stress of being pushed passed my physical limitations in front of strangers and breaking down and crying uncontrollably.

There was always a world of imagination waiting for me. Some blissful land where I was the one in charge of my own destiny.

There I was safe and happy, with nobody out to get me or make me feel I didn't belong.

I'm excited for tomorrow, I get my booties and will probably start wearing them as soon as I can and hope they are comfy.

I don't know if Mama has time for breakfast or lunch, we shall see.

Sometimes it's hard to eat when it's not on my schedule. I only really munch, when I'm craving a snack or meal.

I'm in two minds about the supplements, on one hand, they are probably providing nutritional health benefits to my body.

And on the other, they are prolonging my periods. Arghhh. It's been a weekish, instead of a few days.

I'm still getting that feeling of painful breasts. I don't need additional discomfort.

I'm nearing the end of Sen Cal Kapimi, thank goodness. I find all the characters laughable now.

I just want to power through and see how it ends. Everybody plays games and seems to need validation to be happy.

Nobody trusts anyone and lies constantly and the clingyness, yuckity!!

Definite co-dependent themes. What's wrong with being independent and taking things slowly?

Building up the trust and having that strong foundation? I kinda wish Jeren had stood by her statements about the one-way friendship with Eda.

That she is all about herself and not her friends but she took it back and blamed her illness.

I can relate to that. I will be endlessly listening, providing advice and support and I never feel that in return.

I realised what really ticked me off about one such "friend." She didn't have time to talk to me on the phone...

Which is my way of really feeling heard and comforted in a significant way but then she flaunted it in my face that she was talking to others and having wonderful conversations.

It's like she was mocking me and either she saw it or didn't but that to me was the final straw!!

You can't have it both bloody ways. Expect me to be there for you but just disappear when I'm losing my footing.

I wonder if any of my former acquaintances actually miss me? Regret their selfishness?

Are even melancholy about not being a better friend? Pining for that unconditional patience that I had for them??

Honestly I don't really give a damn. I have always deserved more loving friendships but it is what it is.

Perhaps they mistook my lack of confidence for being a doormat that would put up with bs??!!

Nope. I gave allowances, I waited for them to acknowledge their own flaws.

I confronted them as horrible as that was and still, nothing changed!!

So I remind myself, once again. I am a warm, funny, loving, sweet, thoughtful and genuine person.

I will cheer you up, root for you, encourage you to think positively and be there if you need anything at all.

But I won't put up with bad cold meaningless friendships that are not equal.

Your loss!!

Appreciate me or lose me forever because I look forwards not backwards and being alone far surpasses having you in my life.

Being on my own actually makes me stronger, not weaker.

Goodbye and good riddance to all those people that took, took, took and didn't invest.

I'm full of bad habits and mistakes but at least I can come forward and say yes, I did this and that was wrong.

I wasn't always patient. I wasn't always trusting or open but I did the best I could, which was still, wayyyyy more than any of you did.

I don't really want to be negative or too ranty but if something is playing in my head, then it's better for me to voice it.

And this was for a while. I ignored it but I feel better for speaking the truth.

That my needs are never met and I have to acknowledge that I deserve them to be.

I never see myself as important as others, which is wrong because I am.

So I struggle to say, this friendship is a problem because as low as I always feel, you as the person on the other side, should never make me feel unworthy.

I constantly attract that type of person. I just realised they are all content to make me feel like crap!!!

This is why I let very few people get close to me and I extract myself very often.

As the truth is people chip away at my self-esteem. They use me and I don't see it!

Sometimes I really want to give them the benefit of the doubt. I want them to like me as much as I value them.

I want them to be as honest as I am but typically, I exist for their amusement!

Make sure those around you respect you and give you what you need from them.

I'm not saying always or all the time. I know people have their own lives but the scales should be balanced.