#BlogLife343 - What level of friend are you?

I have an acquaintance that migrated into a friend recently-ish. He's harmless, doesn't flirt, doesn't intrude.

We just can talk for hours about non serious things for a long time.

I never realise I need that silly sort of chitchat until I am in the middle of it and it makes me smile and feelgood amongst all the drama and pain.

I think we've only touched on one deep and meaningful conversation about friendships, this entire time but I'm okay with it appearing superficial because it's something that I need to break up my day.

Another friend I can do a broader chat with, serious, lighthearted, she can cover it all and that's somewhat more meaningful because I'm not censoring myself, I can just share and know that she won't judge me or take it the wrong way on purpose.

They are both significant and fill a role and I'm grateful to have them in my life.

I have seen my fair share of unnatural friendships over the years.

People that target me for personal information that then use it against me to assume I am a certain way or to act superior.

People that expect me to drop everything, when they are in crisis but don't have the decency to do the same in return.

Even if I divulge something, I feel it's still one aspect of it, not the whole thing.

Do you have someone you can be yourself around? Do you have someone that you trust completely?

It's not easy to figure these things out. I only seem to do that when I've shared something private and then I face the reaction and think ahhhhhh, so you're that type of person. Hmm.

We all have to take chances though, let someone in but be cautious, see how they do with the small secrets first before moving on to the bigger ones.

#BlogLife342 - Aftermath of physical/emotional trauma

I've been snapping a lot and I'm trying to take some steps to deal with my feelings.

I'm surprised that I'm sleeping really well at the moment, huge chunks of sleep which is unusual but very needed.

I've done some pampering too, I added a mask and face wash to the face brush and spent a bit longer massaging my face which was glorious.

My skin is glowing and I feel more calmer but there is still something lingering behind.

I guess anger because it could have been avoided and why even put traffic lights out if they are faulty??

I'm conflicted about travelling home to see family. On one hand I still feel guilty about not seeing them and I am downplaying their destructive depressing influence on my life....

But on the other side, the older I get, the less I can hide from the brutality of it.

It's not all bad but it just seems easier for them to get to me and it takes me longer and longer to bounce back.

I really wish they could sense how toxic their language and behaviour is but there is just no self awareness, they think they are all fine!

Maybe it would be different if I was mentally stronger. If I had tougher walls that didn't crack.

I don't know, I'm trying, I'm working on it. It's just hard sometimes, dealing with the aches and pains, PTSD, the insomnia, the writers block and the nightmares.

Plus having to support myself, knowing that no one is ever going to have my back. 

I really have to watch a tearjerker, which is the next step to force the tears out but I'm not really in the mood.

I've been enjoying the latin pop songs and adding more to the playlists which is fun.

Although I did try to watch one and didn't feel anything lol. Bollywood films always make me cry but reading the subtitles gives me a headache.

I did end up speaking to mama yesterday and she was different.

She seemed like she was actually listening, sympathising and focused, normally she is barely there and quick to disconnect.

I'm not sure why the change of heart and I'm not expecting a complete turnaround but it was pleasant and we will probably meet soon for dual pedicures.

My family is tolerable in really tiny doses, that's what I've realised.

#BlogLife341 - Dodging deaths call

I've been wondering why yesterday has been plaguing me so much. I think it's because I cheated death again.

It's brought it all back and I can recall all the conversations, exactly how I felt, all the life being drained out of me slowly.

I recall the policewoman asking me how I was and me slipping in and out of consciousness saying I'm scared.

The male cop nervously or shockingly laughing exclaiming we all thought you died!

I switched from bouts of, I'm ready to go, to I want to live. Yesterday I felt the same sense of helplessness and fear.

I just kept pondering, how am I going to get home, where it's safe, when I'm stuck?

I was in so much pain and there was so much danger all around me.

I just kept swearing and telling myself to rest, stop, take a deep breath and carry on, not far now, it's ok, you're doing great.

I mean midway I was taking baby steps and stopping. I was holding on to the walls, poles, fences, anything to steady myself.

I felt dizzy, I felt the discomfort of being upright for so long and my body was locking up and home seemed to be so far away.

A strange thing that happened when I was finally at the bus stop was a van honked at me, this guy waved and smiled.

I didn't recognise him, so as usual I just looked at him and he drove off. If it was someone I knew I would have begged for a lift home.

I have no idea if it was a stranger or somebody from my past. I did look lovely. 

I tried on the second new top, it was one of those built in jackety 2 in 1 tops, thinnish but it all seemed kinda fitted and loose near the middle.

These tops were made for me, stylish and pretty and just suited me so well. I just wish the other colours were in stock.

Anyway I think it was the control freak side of me that was in distress. I just could not get my bearings and there were so many obstacles that I lost it completely.

Oh to give you some context, the journey takes anywhere from 10-15mins so bear that in mind, when I say it took me 1 hour and 30 minutes to travel home!!!

I passed my breaking point. Had a fit of tears because it was a situation I could not tackle and that just made me panic and think, am I going to make it this time??

#BlogLife340 - Death becomes me

I really didn't want to blog today, I knew I would be exhausted from going out twice this week.

The pain and exhaustion lock in place until the next outing but I had to be somewhere and the morning got away from me, decided to experiment with the hair, half up, half down.

It looked cute, even if it's uneven at the back. I didn't have time for full makeup so just did some lipgloss.

Nobody knew anything but the bus stopped once and said, hop on the other one and that one stopped a bit later and said the roads closed, everyone exit.

What the hell was the point? Just say up ahead has been barricaded both the footpath and the road.

I think the bus station was closed as cars whizzed by normally but buses halted.

Still I was determined, I like to keep appointments and I was halfway and then the road I needed to take was sealed off.

The sun was draining me of energy, I forgot to program in the phone number and I thought to myself, if you know, the area is blocked, why the hell wouldn't you call, text or email, to say...

Stay home, there is very lil access here, we will reschedule. But nooooo, there was nothing at all.

So in the end I had to turn back and saw half the bus stops were closed and there were roadworks blocking me again.

The man made traffic lights weren't working and I tried to cross and this car came out of nowhere and almost got me.

I had a major panic attack because I couldn't cross the road and I had to, to get the bus.

I just burst into tears because I was so scared and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

I was just worrying and people just walked by and completely ignored me, whatever, people are sick in this world.

It took me about 10 minutes to cross, I swear I had to wait until there was a family there and go with them because I was shaking.

I got home and found an indirect message.......Oh by the way, meeting cancelled.

Bastards!! You gotta excuse my language in here and on twitter but I need to vent and heal up.

I just ordered a pizza, chicken, olives and green peppers and some wings, plus chocolate fudge cake.

It will last me 2/3 days. I'm not even sure I am hungry, just trying to drink a lot and replenish the lost fluids.

Luckily I don't have to go anywhere for a week hopefully. I gotta clear my bed, so much, makeup, clothes and beauty supplies.

May your weekend be full of laughter and not tears. I'll see you Monday hopefully........I need tlc.

#BlogLife339 - Penpal or pen-peculiar??

It's been a lil while since I had some penpal requests come through and they haven't improved at all.

There just doesn't seem to be any brain function there. The recent one came in a few days ago. I forgot to check and he wrote the whole email in the subject box!!

Why why why?? How could you not proof read or check before sending it off? I know we are all busy and I have done that but I corrected myself shortly after.

Then to make matters worse, he told me nothing about himself, not even the basics, like age and location.

All he was content to do was ask questions and provide nothing of himself which as you know, I can't stand!!

It shall be marked for spam and ignored. My advert that I posted gave tidbits about myself, that's the whole point of trying to connect, you put yourself out on display to see if anyone appeals or can relate.

Ugh.... I'm not really to bothered about finding a new one. I'm super busy at the moment, it's just the process of vetting them, is tedious.

I was spoilt with the Australian one, she was sweet but taxing, there was too much because I had to match the energy. I can write a medium letter but long is too time consuming.

I did rival her fervor for a long time but I found myself zapped of energy and then things happened and I pulled away but let her know the situation first.

Oh and I bumped into one of the J's a while back but instead of him introducing himself being transparent like I would be. Hi it's.. Not sure if we are on friendly terms but good to see you etc etc.

He just sidled his way into my messages pretending to be someone else and when I called him out asking if he was J? He became vague and refused to answer directly.

What a coward! And manipulative too, he knew I didn't want to talk to him, so covered his identity and tried to get a hangout with me underhandedly.

Ickity ick ick!! My reply was.... It probably is you because you never give me a straight answer so I'm off to have a real conversation *blockity block block block*

That felt very satisfying because I let him get away with twisting the truth for a very long time. It's like they turn the tables on me and make it my fault.

Grrrr schmuckity schmuck!!

#BlogLife338 - Do you love my bad side?

I finally got around to plucking my brows and filing my nails and as I was looking in the mirror trying to do my right brow as I am right handed and can't seem to do it.

 

I laid down to see if I could get a better angle. Finally I just set up the laptop light, placed the mirror and managed it that way.

But a memory came to me. Do you enhance your pictures and edit them? Do you feel comfortable showcasing your natural self...Unfiltered?

It's scary but I did just that quite a long while ago. It wasn't the first image I showed him of me but it was probably the last.

He was too frightened to send me his snapshot but I wasn't in the end.

The last one was me in a downcast mood. I didn't fake my feelings. I don't think I wore makeup. I just went for the whole reveal.

It was a bad likeness of me but for some reason I loved it. I think I realise now, it's because I wasn't hiding, I wasn't presenting my best self.

This was a test to see what he really thought of the unearthed me. Way before he eventually showed me himself, his personality was beginning to rise to the surface.

Insecure, angry, spiteful and mean. Not at all the "good" guy he tried to hard to portray.

I think I was even sleeveless in that photo. He rang me and practically screeched in response.

Why would you send me this? You look ill. Are you okay? I really don't like it. You don't look like you. It's really bad. You look bad.

I remember laughing and a genuine smile spread across my face. He couldn't see past this bad picture but I could.

I knew there was more to me, than just this imperfect display. I hide myself away, not because I'm ashamed.

Everything I do and say is on my terms, not yours. There is a freedom that you can't steal away from me.

Don't analyse me, the shadows are my friends. I cut my hair short again, just above my shoulders and tomorrow I'll put curlers in, put makeup on, put an outfit on and shine.

You may not be able to see me, but I can see you. A story is plaguing me finally.

Now I'm ready to work on the tales.

#BlogLife337 - New moi?

I think my nausea has finally come under control. I got in after doing some shopping and I just felt feverish.

I ordered breakfast, switched the fan on and took a big swig of lucozade orange and I don't feel so bad anymore.

Today started off coldish and as though it was going to rain so I put the new warm top on, blue with a sorta print, minus the animal.

It looks nice and it fit baggy in the right places, like over my tum tum. It feels loose but fitted in a way, hard to explain but I love it and I just paired it with grey trousers.

I'm running low on supplies so I thought I would get some in and I really had no excuse to go in the international market and pick up snacks, so I bypassed it sadly. Ha.

Now that the Mane N Tail shampoo bottle is nearly finished. I can't say I'm impressed. I don't feel it volumised or made my scalp healthier.

I much prefer the leave in conditioner, which did give my hair a boost and still does.

I'm trying different brands to find something I like, the newest is Sahara. £2.50 for a 500ml bottle. It's aimed at dry skin and has aloe vera.

I'll probably use it as an everyday lotion. It's medium thickness, not runny but not super thick either.

It's easily absorbed and I wasn't spending ages trying to rub it in, which is tedious.

It's a generic scent which is not the best, herbally type but that's not a deal breaker. 

I sampled some of it on my elbows and hands and it feels soft-ish. I need to finish off the old products and test it properly.

But I do like the price tag, it being cheaper than the last set I bought.

I also spotted Ayumi (a brand I think I've tried before and liked) sandalwood and ylang ylang face wash.

It's clear, thickish and costs £2 for a 150 tube which is also great value for money.

I can smell the sandalwood but not the sweet ylang ylang. I might try it tonight but I should really use up the previous stuff.

Lastly Vatika cactus hair fall shampoo £4.50 and it's multivitamin.  It smells lovely and fresh and at 400ml size, should last me a while as I don't wash my hair every day.

As per usual when I've used them a few times over a few weeks, I'll let you know how I get on with them in a review post.

#BlogLife336 - I'm nice, are you?

I always struggled to get close to people. I felt like I was invading their territory or not able to be myself and freely express what I needed too.

There was a barrier up and still is. I thought it would be easier with family but they were untrustworthy and cruel.

During this time of apathy and unsupportiveness I was blaming myself.

I thought that if I devoted more time to them and sacrificed my requirements, that they would treat me better.

Instead they used me and took me for granted. This is where the inner conflict came.

Should I be patient? Should I cut them off?

As a decent person I told myself I was being too judgemental and I should give them the benefit of the doubt.

But their disrespectful behaviour escalated. I felt so proud stating..

You said you were thinking about me, however that wasn't the case, else you would have contacted me.

Texts, emails and calls are so easy when you're invested. When you're obligated that's when it's hard work to keep in touch.

I got tired of the lies. Nobody is forcing you to keep in contact halfheartedly.

I choose nothingness rather than forced polite chitchat lacking heart and warmth.

It's made ne not want to display my softer side or realise that I would like to spoil someone and take care of them..

But only if they prove themselves first. I've reached my limit of dealing with people who use me, when it suits them. 

On a further bizarre note. The situation I was dealing with resolved itself, for now anyway.

I opened the weekends mail altogether today and read the letter that made no sense, when they were busy accusing me of randomness and saying we're turning our backs on you.

That was on the phone and now the letter contradicts that and says, well we realised something had changed (it hadn't).

But all is well again and things can get back to normal. I'm just relieved I don't have to take any further action.

Oh and lastly, there is someone that keeps looking at my phone while I'm accessing personal emails/texts.

It's really cringey..... Why would you do that?? Look elsewhere. I have to access it in front of him to get some details but you don't have to look at my bloody phone and read it.

Ewwwww!!!!

#BlogLife335 - Does Dumbo make earbuds?

My un-adjustable ear hooks attached to the earbuds feel so huge sometimes. I'm sure they are designed for men... But do all males have Dumbo ears??

They stay on and are secure but they still feel as though they will fall on the floor most times. 

I don't feel they will safely stay unless I occasionally tuck them back behind my ears every few hours.

I really wish they would design some of these products for women, who use them just as much as guys do.

They need a lock button also, to stop the buttons being accidentally pressed when fixing hair or laying on them.

I feel like I've done all my weekly tasks, just some tidying left, I want to get lots of sleep and relax this weekend and have my mind clear maybe then I can recuperate.

I'm trying to be organised, I haven't really talked much. I haven't been flirting for a while. I'm not in the mood for randoms or volunteering but I'll get back to it, when things calm down.

I got into 2 new shows. Blindspot about this mystery woman dumped in the city with amnesia and clues tattooed on her body.

A new tv show DI Ray with Parminder Nagra about a detective solving murders which I love as I get to figure it out along side them and see who the love interests are ha.

I love that she got promoted as a token and was expected to fail by her superiors and yet outshines them in every way and proves them all wrong ha!!

I do want to work on the stories but to be honest with you I feel mentally and physically drained.

Everytime I go to write, I end up laying down and wanting to sleep. I don't really want to do anything this weekend but I'll see how it goes...

That is the peculiar thing, it can just burst out and I can finish a whole story just like that and other times, it will trickle frustratingly slowly.

If I could manage the stress, I would feel much better but ongoing events are out of my control so I have to be patient and play it out.

#BlogLife334 - SS you're a phenomenal writer

I think I'm in need of another pep talk because deep down I'm still looking for others to give me that validation as an author.

I'm not a real publisher. I just feel like I'm posing as one and competing against legitimate voices.

I'm not feeling down or insecure as such just a lil vulnerable and exposed I suppose. I mean this mood will hit me randomly.

It's hard to write when it does come around because I have the same thought plaguing me.....

Why bother? You know it's crap and uninteresting and nobody wants to read it.....!!

However I try to persist until the moment passes and I remind myself that I am composing for myself and if someone else relates to it, then that is a bonus.

Do I believe I am phenomenal?? Ha! No way!! Sometimes though I force myself to title or add bits that I don't necessarily think of as facts right now but maybe someday I will feel differently.

I really miss my daytime naps. Not having them has taken it's toll. I just don't get to recharge and catch up on the missed sleep like before.

Every bone just feels pushed to it's limit and them some. It's not an attention seeking thing, it's a me thing. 

A reminder to be kind to myself and have courage and confidence, that I sometimes lack and to keep pushing forward even if I feel negative and self loathing.

It just helps to admit it out loud, to push these feelings to the surface, instead of trying to bury them and feel them grow stronger.

#BlogLife333 - Is it only Wednesday??!!

I honestly thought we were closer to the weekend. I got my hopes up that it was Thursday today but nope only Wednesday.

I slept for a while, woke up ridiculously early but forced myself to sleep some more and it worked.

I do feel rested but now it seems like the weekends are the most chilling part so hurry up and get here.

An update to putting the wipes in the freezer... I got distracted and instead of just leaving them in for half an hour or so... I left them for ages.

It was baby wipes so they were already flimsy and now when I try to pull them out, they just break apart ha. They finally do feel cold though.

Another thing which made me cringe. A big boo boo I made. I didn't even realise until I was removing my makeup but I had either toothpaste or lippy stains on my teeth.

Noooooo. Nobody said a word. I don't know if it happened when I came home as I was wiping off lippy but I'm starting to think it was from the morning.

As it was dry but I always check as I'm doing my hair. How did I not see it or feel it?? If that was me, I would have told the person.

Look I don't want to embarass you but you need to fix that.. I am glad I trimmed my nails as they are snagging. I have to snip the edges off and re-file them.

Thanks to this horribly humid weather my face feels perpetually greasy.

I just washed it and it feels dewy and oily. It's like the cleanser isn't being removing but I know it has been.

I keep forgetting to pluck my brows and make them look presentable. I can't reshape them, I let the salon do that but I can tidy them. I just keep getting pulled into other things.

#BlogLife332 - Surrendering to fate

I actually feel better. I went to bed earlier than usual and just drifted off in a relatively short time.

I did wake up but seemed to fall back asleep easily. I forced myself to eat breakfast, my stomach was flip flopping but actually the nausea is gone.

I'm enjoying the Never Have I Ever season 3 episodes, minus the cursing.

But I think just saying it out loud that I'm giving up trying to control everything that is beyond my grasp was freeing.

A weight lifted off my shoulders and I actually said the words, well alright, I'm off to have a good cry now, take care..

I didn't actually have a weeping session, I felt like it but it just didn't come and I didn't mind either way.

The audience was bewildered but sometimes I am very in touch with my complicated emotions.

It's knowing that I have been responsible that helps. I have nothing to feel bad about.

I'm enjoying healthy snacks, fruit and nuts but those lollies are calling my name...

Sometimes it's better to let go. I know that I can catch myself, take care of me and be the hero/heroine to my own story.

Speaking of which it's going to make editing the unfinished stories tricky as I normally add my notes to the drafts which I had to delete as it gave away plot points.

Did you like them? I would have thought the arranged marriage one would have been more popular but the writer one gained more interest.....

Hmmmm.... I'm also relieved that Saturday I think it was, I received my new bank card. Honestly I was fretting about the neighbours taking it but I have it now and can chill.

I'm currently watching the second episode of My Big Fat Fab Life. I still find it strange, that she can't hire professionals for the odd jobs she needs and uses friends instead but meh..

I think it would be fun if Jessica turns out to be a bridezilla and she looks cute as a blondie.

#BlogLife331 - I'm not a liar

First of all I'm sorry these posts aren't happy ones. I'm trying but things still continue to go downhill.

I spent the morning throwing up and trying to settle my stomach enough so that I could push the fan out of my face and get dressed.

I had an appointment where the person asked how I was, stared at me blankly, typed away, and then said alright we're done.

What was the point? I thought they were getting background information and details but nothing, while I was pleading to myself not to faint or vomit.

I popped into Tesco and managed to not buy any dessert, to be honest, I wanted too, but there was nothing healthy so I just bought raw cashew nuts that are deliciously unsalted and sandwiches so I don't have to move much.

I have no energy whatsoever and it felt like it took me 10 minutes to catch my breath.

I did sleep last night for a few hours so I had time for hair and makeup.

I was wearing this thin long sleeved sparkly blue top and over it a light purply waterfall style t-shirt and mauve trousers.

Plus pink lippy and violet eyeshadow. It was a real purple day. I do love the colour, bright and cheery.

I gave myself another manicure too and for shorter nails, they still look feminine and decent.

On to the foodie reviews. I went off icecream years ago, I think it was part of my healthier eating program.

But I heard milk lollies are supposed to be the lower calorie option so I decided to try some out.

The first was Barratt milk bottle ice lollies and it was £1.50 but had 6 large contained inside. 288g each. 

It was creamy and didn't fully melt straight away. It was thickish and tasty. Sweet and enjoyable. I just wish there were more flavours instead of just vanilla.

I recommend it though. The next was Barratt strawberry milkshake, which were the same size and amount but it was amazing.

It was just like eating a frozen milkshake. Totally over the top but soo yummy. The only thing is they melt really fast, within seconds, so you have to eat it fast.

I consider that my dessert so I don't need anything else. Oh I just remembered I bought fruit too, melon and grapes ha.

As for the title, I just wish people would take me at face value. I'm being transparent but my word is being doubted and I hate that.

They make me feel as if I am an imposter grr! Anyway it is, what is. I have a plan and will wait for the final deliberation and move on.

#BookLife8 - I hate my fiancee (fiction) unfinished

Prologue

Her name was Coco but I called her Cuckoo. She wasn't the prettiest woman in the world but she might as well have been.

Try as I might, I couldn't avoid her. She didn't like any of things I did and I certainly had no interest in her quirky hobbies.

This was a fiasco but this marriage of convenience would only last six months to a year and then I could dismantle it and never see her again.

That thought should bring me joy but I wasn't smiling. I had known her since childhood, we didn't travel in the same circles but we were aware of each other.

I was Mr Popular, outgoing and an organiser of many events, where she was a bookworm, completely anti social and should have been a frump with those thick unsightly glasses.

Her hazel eyes however always hypnotised me. I watched her grow from a distance and then put her out of my mind forever.

Then two years ago she returned and we reconnected and started dating. Then got engaged.

We started a business together. Cupid Connections. We vetted each member carefully and did background checks and got endorsed by various companies.

But the harder we worked, the more the relationship suffered until we hit a breaking point both professionally and personally.

Everyone assumed we were married and now to save our business, we had to get hitched and go on a promotional tour.

The only thing I wanted to do was ditch her and date someone else but we had both invested our life savings and I had to be practical.

The new investors (our families, were calling the shots and they would only bail us out on the proviso we give the relationship a proper chance).

Chapter 1

"You're late Cu-Coco." I grimaced. "Call that name once more and see what happens to you."

Fabian smirked. "Always so easy to rile up and totally hot when you're mad."

He reached out to touch my cheek but I swatted it away impatiently.

"Cut it out, let's just order and decide what we are going to do once and for all."

"We both know what happened to us. We took each other for granted and let the romance die. Turned into friends, rather than passionate lovers."

I nodded, unable to disagree. "We have several options." Firstly we could go through with this cockamamie scheme our well meaning but interfering parents have cooked up.

We both shook our heads. "Secondly we could file for bankruptcy, admit we failed and couldn't hack it in the real world, move back home and go into the family businesses."

Our eyes met as we said in unison. "I can't do that." I bit my lip as he said the last choice.

"What if we have a sham marriage, go through with it and make it seem like we are trying to strengthen our relationship but instead date other people?"

I felt queasy. I was over him but the thought of moving on for real seemed scary and I'm not sure I was ready.

"Isn't that misleading everyone? Could you/we really lie to our families?"

"They already warned us about the consequences. They would disinherit and kick us out of the family."

"Look I don't care about the money but I draw the line and not being able to speak to them."

Fabian took my hand. "Firstly drama queen it's not going to come to that. It's just idle threats."

"Secondly nobody will find out, we'll keep it just between us but even if they did realise. Nobody could resist those hazel eyes of yours, trust me I know."

I blushed Fabian could still turn on the charm when he wanted to but it was still a big step and my stomach was in knots.

Chapter 2

"Fine a farce of a marriage it is but you better be discreet with your extra maritals before the world finds out we are playing at happy families!"

"You're not planning on seeing anyone? Not over me yet huh? I don't blame you."

I rolled my eyes and wanted to choke the grin right out of his conceited face.

"Look Romeo I just want to get this catastrophe over and done with and get on with my life as an eligible bachelorette."

"I've had multiple offers during the time we were together and since our breakup but unlike you guys who jump from woman to woman without an emotional break and closure.."

"I just want some time being single and free again. I'll still date occasionally, it just won't be a priority."

"Just stay away from my friends." I grinned. "Don't talk to me, tell them that. Two have already approached me for dates."

Suddenly Fabian looked annoyed and a lot less smug.

Chapter 3

I covered my face that was chortling in utter satisfaction. His arrogance was unattractive but revenge was always delicious and he was a good sport actually.

"Alright on a serious note, we both have to agree not to date each others mates, deal?"

"Uh huh, that's tasteless." I couldn't recall the last time we had hung out like this, being mostly civil and not at each others throats.

"How are we going to do this and make it seem legitimate? You know how closely they'll be watching us for any signs of deception."

Fabian pondered. "Yea you're right, we have to be extra careful, which means a hell of a lot of pda whoop. Let's start practicing now."

"Get away from me. Why did I ever think talking to you was a good idea? All you can think about is sex, sex and more sex. Yeesh!"

"You're such a prude, lighten up, I was half kidding but if we are serious about this arrangement, There has to be some real affection, you can't keep scowling at me."

I sighed he was right unfortunately but the thought of cosying up to him made me queasy. We didn't have a traditional breakup, a lot of things were left unsaid and I didn't want to revisit it.

"Okay but you have to respect my wishes, meaning no pawing at me. Just kisses on the cheek and if we must, some tame hand holding."

Fabian scoffed. "It hardly seems worth it. Then he waggled his eyebrows. "What about your wifely duties?" I rolled my eyes.

"Will you grow up? This is difficult enough. I don't want to spend anymore time with you than is necessary."

"Hah! Don't worry Cuckoo I feel the same way. The sooner we get it over with and separate the better."

I got up having lost my appetite. "Bye Fab." I don't know why I just used his old nickname. Crikey this was already getting to familiar.

I hurried out and jumped on a bus. The less time we spent together the better.

She called me Fab. "My plan seems to be working. Outwardly I was against this marriage but I was the one that had come up with this scheme to win her back, she just didn't know it.

To be continued

#BookLife7 - Fighting Fate (fiction) unfinished

Chapter 1

I sat down on the bench with a book in my hand. I was too preoccupied to read it but in order to stop fidgeting I needed something in my hands.

I wasn't sure if this was a good idea, it seemed a bit ludicrous. I had joined a writing forum two months ago and sparked interest with another creator who related to me.

We had both individually published books that were unsuccessful but thought by talking and meeting today, maybe we could support each other and possibly even collaborate on something exciting.

I had tried this before and it was unsatisfying. My previous ally had no vision and I was pulling all the weight and making all the decisions which is why I terminated it quickly and didn't want to go through it again.

Something about Lautaro's manner though, captured my interest. He was sarcastic, smart, dedicated and more optimistic than I was, I suspect braver too.

He lived locally about half an hour away, which was even more peculiar that we could have met and known each other prior to this meeting.

My phone rang and I searched my bag to locate my it. "Hi.. Yes I'm already here, early for once. Alright I'll head towards the Park entrance."

It was only 5pm in the afternoon with plenty of light out but I still felt nervous. I was grateful that a lot of people were around, albeit scattered here and there.

It didn't take me long to reach the front and I bit my lip wondering if he would be the same person offline..

I felt a hand on my shoulder and I whipped around panicking. "Gianella is that you?"

"Lautaro?" "Yes." We each said it at the same time and smiled awkwardly.

"I've never been to this park before but it is quite spacious and lovely."

He nodded. "Yes I find myself here quite often, taking in the tranquility and being inspired to write little thoughts and poems."

"We can come here together next time, if you like." I raised my eyebrow at his bluntness.

"Look let's just get through today first, see if you're the gentlemanly type, before I commit to another outing."

"Wow Gia you are so sceptical but whatever you feel comfortable with, I just know that, this won't be our only time together."

I remained on the fence and shrugged. He maybe determined but I would patiently see how he behaved first.

Chapter 2

"What are you reading?" He indicated to the book in my hands and my face coloured. "It's ummm.."

"Mmm...Go on." I half laughed. "Just one of those manuals on how to write a book."

Lautaro smacked his forehead. "You don't need that. I've read your work remember. It's excellent, just raw and in need of polishing."

"Don't let these jaded authors corrupt your confidence and enthusiasm. I'm happy to give you pointers."

I scrunched my nose up. "Are you forgetting we are both in the same boat?" 

"There is very little interest and feedback from our collective works and those that were somewhat keen, wanted so much editing that in the end it wasn't the same."

He held his hands up and shrugged. "It just means they were not the right fit. A publisher has to believe in you and your vision, it's not all about the profits."

"Yea right." We both chuckled. "Why don't we continue this discussion in that coffee shop over there. A lot of struggling writers frequent it."

"Okay." He held the door open and my nostrils were hit with the delicious smell of fresh coffee. 

I sat down in the corner into a soft cushioned blue chair that was very comfortable. The large square tables were a few feet apart.

It wasn't squashed at all. "I've never had such a beautiful partner to collaborate with before."

I rolled my eyes. "Stop right there. This is strictly business. Our acquaintanceship is not going to get complicated, at all."

His smile grew wider as he leaned forward, holding my gaze. "Gia I have every intention of keeping this platonic."

"However writing can be an intimate event and who knows what passions may rise to the surface during our partnership. Shouldn't we remain.... Open to the possibilities?"

I shook my head. "No! I like to keep focused and I don't have room for time wasters!"

He leaned back but didn't shake the grin from his face. "Whatever keeps you near me and smiling, is fine with me."

"Ugh! Can we just order already before I throttle you?!" His eyes twinkled mysteriously.

"I seem to stir you already, this is a good sign, it means we are a good match."

I put my face in my hands sighing and was relieved the waiter had come to take our order.

"Hi can I get a whipped chocolate coffee please and a cinnamon muffin thanks."

"I'll take an espresso and a ginger cookie thanks. It's normally quite busy in here."

I nodded and turned away. This was obviously an error in judgement, he justed wanted to flirt and mess around. I will make an excuse and leave in a few minutes.

He rustled in his bag and brought out a notebook. "I know what you're thinking Gia but I'm serious about working with you."

"In fact I set us a challenge to write a short story in a week and then submit it to Aaron's Publishing House."

"A meeting has been arranged." The waiter set down our order with napkins and a smile and I whipped my head around to Lautaro.

I scoffed. "This is a sick joke right? How do you even know a publisher, let along have an appointment set?"

"My friend hooked us up. You should be excited, this could be our big break."

I stood up and turned my back to leave. This was too much. He had to be lying.

He handed me a card with Aaron business details on it. "Ring it up and confirm it, the appointment is in your name."

"How do I know that you haven't just coerced someone into a pretence?" He googled the address and the number and unfortunately it checked out.

I dialled and spoke to a receptionist who confirmed it. I slumped back in the chair.

"What have you gotten me into?" He covered my hand in his and squeezed it.

"We can do this. It's easy. There is just one tiny hiccup.... I'm going on a business trip tomorrow for a week, which means you have to come with me in order to get this done on time."

Chapter 3

My jaw hit the floor. "There is just bombshell after bombshell with you, isn't there??"

"Do I look like a rookie to you? What makes you think I would just be careless and take off with a complete stranger?" 

Lautaro raised his eyebrows trying to look like a boy scout. I wasn't buying it.

"Nothing about you screams foolish at all. I just think this would be an adventure and would get the creative juices flowing."

"There will be separate rooms in the same hotel and not adjoining either. I won't do anything to ruin this trip and our budding friendship."

He pulled out the printed booking details and everything he said was confirmed but I still felt uneasy. I wasn't a spontaneous person at all.

However maybe my writing had become stale and I needed a jump start.

I sighed looking wearily at him. "I just want to be crystal clear. I have no intention of becoming romantically involved with you. Emotionally, physically or anything in between."

"We are just collaborating to benefit each other. This eventually may become a friendship once I know that you can be trusted and are not sleazy."

He wiped his forehead in relief. "I'm glad you are willing to give it a go, you won't regret it. All I ask is that you have an open mind."

I nodded still unsure if I was doing the right thing. We stood up having cleared our plates. He excused himself to pay the bill and I looked at the door wondering if I should escape..

I had never been to Cardiff or Wales before and I googled the touristy hotspots. There was a castle, a waterfall, a national park. I just loved waterfalls..

This might not be so bad after all. I was not a shutterbug but I could see myself taking snaps to inspire the story along and maybe using one or more as the cover or to title chapters.

I slowly began to smile just as Lautaro walked back. "I just need your address to pick you up tomorrow. We have to leave quite early I'm afraid around 6am as it's a 4 hour car ride..

"Oh I have so much to do and there is no way I'm giving you my address. You can pick me up at the local station where I feel comfortable."

He sighed. "As you wish but it would have been easier if I carried your bags and you got treated like a pampered passenger."

I folded my arms and he laughed. "Alright I give up, you call the shots. Just please try to be on time and I'll see you bright and early tomorrow."

"It's going to be so much fun, you'll see and maybe once you relax you'll even see me in a new light.." I smiled as reassuringly as I dared but inside I was a mess.

We parted company and I started making a mental list of what I needed to do and on top of all that I had to wield a fanciful tale to enchant the new publisher. Ugh I was overwhelmed.

Chapter 4

I got in locked the door and began to pace back and forth. What on earth had I just agreed too?

Had I lost my common sense? Some of the excitement was being taken over by fear.

I would be trapped in a car with a total stranger and what if he was..... I shuddered at the thought of him being possibly inappropriate and me not having an exit.

However I had made a commitment to him and just because I was apprehensive I would not chicken out.

I would be sure to pack my hand sanitiser that would double as mace and I would not be wearing a skirt or dress in the car, just to be safe.

I packed a mixture of casual and smart summer and winter gear, dresses, some skirts, trousers and short/long sleeved blouses.

I wasn't really a fan of shorts because they always rode up when I was seated.

At last my leather black and white polka dot suitcase was filled and I placed it near the door.

The taxi had been booked for tomorrow morning as I didn't fancy lugging the bags on the jostling bus.

The sun was piercing through my slumbering eyelids, how had it become morning so soon? I had only just closed my eyes.

Or at least it felt like that. I squinted and looked at the timer on my phone.

The alarm had been buzzing for quite a while. I wasn't running late but I should get ready.

I looked at the stand alone full length mirror in the corner of the room.

I just had my eyebrows done recently and yet needed to pluck a lil to be as flawless as possible.

I had creases under my eyes where my bags made me look like I hadn't slept.

I turned from side to side and grabbed the scissors. I was tired of playing it safe.

I wanted to be edgy and unpredictable. I angled the scissors and snipped downwards.

Then I cut 4 inches off the ends of my hair until it sat just below my shoulders.

I repeated the same motion with the side wisps and soon it was all manner of layers.

I tossed the ends in the trash and combed through the length of my hair.

I wondered if I would be able to wash and go now? I shook my head and felt doubtful.

Chapter 5

I walked to the bathroom and tweezed the few hairs that were noticeable and then I tapped my speaker to fill the space with music.

I always felt sluggish in the mornings so I used music to perk me up.

As a random mixture of tunes flickered on my phone. On my way by Illijah popped up and I immediately smiled and relaxed.

A quick shower followed by an even swifter blow dry with a leave in conditioner spritz was all I needed to get ready.

Well maybe just a dab or two of foundation, a sweep of eyeshadow, a mild slice of eyeliner, one coat of hazel tinted mascara and some mauve lipstick.

My phone beeped and up popped a message from Lautaro. "Don't keep me waiting."

I rolled my eyes and combed through my unruly strands, it hadn't turned out too badly.

Hmm now what shall I wear for Mr Impatient?? I glided my hands through the unorganised rack of clothes that I couldn't be bothered to sort through and bit my lip in confusion.

But then my eyes narrowed on this red and white slash neck new top that I hadn't worn before.

It would pair perfectly with the plain white silky trousers that I rarely wore.

I will just slip on my thick woolly men socks that protected my dainty tootsies and follow that with my violet hiking boots.

One last check in the mirror to make sure I didn't have lipstick on my teeth and then I will grab a quick bite.

I toasted a wholemeal bagel and slapped some sweet chilli dip, unsmoked salmon and cod chunks inside and licked my lips gleefully.

Simple yet delicious. While I munched I booked the Uber and in 10-15 minutes I would be face to face with him.

I washed the dishes and moisturised my hands, then I doused a lil perfume on my neck and wrists and reapplied my lippy.

I had never travelled alone with a man before and soon I would be spending an entire week with one.

The car horn tooting broke into my thoughts, I locked up, handed the bags over to the driver and waited for him to hold the door open for me.

I confirmed the destination and tried to look settled and confident.

I stepped out from the drive quicker than I would have liked and paced along the station with my phone in my hand.

Chapter 6

"You beat me to it, well this is a nice surprise." Before I could dissuade him, Lautaro carried all my luggage to the back of his car and gently placed them in the boot.

He opened the front door and I slid inside, popping my gold and red tinted sunglasses on.

I popped in two orange tic tac mints in my mouth and cracked the window open slightly, not caring if my hair got messed up.

I hoped I wouldn't get car sick but I would try to keep from getting agitated either with the radio or possibly some banter.

"All set? Not forgotten anything? Well it's too late anyway." I tugged the seatbelt but it wouldn't budge but with one hard yank, it obeyed him and our eyes met as he secured me in place.

I quickly looked away and out the window. "I'll put the music on later, for now I think we should get to know each other."

My hand snapped away from the tuner and I flushed as though I had touched something I wasn't supposed too.

"What was your ex like?" I sharply turned to face him. "How is that any of your business? What makes you think I'm not involved with someone presently?"

His lips formed a slow smile as he turned to face me. "No man in their right mind would allow you to travel with a strange man, all alone."

Irritation flooded my face. I tilted his chin towards me. "Hear me plainly. Nobody owns me, I do as I please and my relationship status has nothing to do with this trip or you."

"All business remember? That was the deal!" His face broadened into an even wider grin.

"I'm just laying the foundation, we have to know each other a lil bit, our strengths and weaknesses, to be successful."

"Although on our downtime.....Who knows.."

I grunted in frustration. "During our various breaks, you can do as you please but I'll be savouring the time away from you."

He laughed. "I'm really not that bad and a beautiful woman, should never be alone in new area, I may need to protect you."

Ha! I scoffed. "You assume I am some weak and feeble woman? I've taken precautions, a few self-defence classes, personal alarms and pepper spray."

"Bravo but humour me, we need to experience things together so that the writing flows better."

I closed my eyes. I hated that he was probably right. I just wasn't going to agree.

To be continued..

#BlogLife330 - You can't keep a semi decent minx down!

I thought I was going to have a stress free weekend but I got some bad news today and the issue I thought was going to resolve just spiralled.

I take comfort in the fact that I was pro active and did what I could but it just seems to be a targeted resolution full of spite for a situation that is out of my hands.

I'm kinda surprised how it turned out but then again, I've been having ongoing issues so I guess it had to come to a head eventually.

I do have a recourse I will follow when I am notified officially and it's something people were pushing me to do anyway. I wasn't certain it was in my best interests and still not but I am out of choices so I will make the best of it.

I know that I promised a fiction piece and I don't have it in me to create a new one but I have unfinished stories that I may just publish.

I don't really like doing that, it seems untidy to put out half a story but I am struggling right now to get any peace and clarity.

This problem has taken over my mind so I just need to keep going and push past the angst I feel.

Have a blissful weekend and I'm going to try and relax eventually..

#BlogLife329 - Give me your soul, but don't question it!

Today I finally got the answers I was looking for to tackle a personal problem after I gently enquired what I had to do next.

In the rudest possible way, the person implied I was not being straight forward and hiding things and that I should stop wasting their time and give what was asked quickly.

It's too late to respond tonight so I will deal with it tomorrow morning.

All I wanted to know is, what the situation was and how I could assist but it's like they were exasperated when they didn't even clarify it in the first place. Grr

Nobody here is psychic and knows everything instantly. Transparency would just be nice is all. I want to close this chapter too.

I spent the morning holding waiting on customer service to clarify it all and I just took a deep breath to calm my temper as they asked me to repeat the same thing.

Give what I already have before a dozen times over. Ugh. Am I dealing with idiots?

To give her credit though, she was actually nice and helpful, even though, it's repetitive.

I'm just hoping that I am now done. I filled in the form, yet again and put in the extra request, plus just added a note.

I don't see what is left. I have complied completely. What made me laugh was she didn't even ask if I minded, just said stay on the line and take part in a feedback survey ha!!

After all that time faffing about? I just hung up lol. Purlease, you wasted my entire morning, you think I have time to answer moronic questions.

You are incompetent, let's just leave it at that. If it were me. I would look through it all, cross things off a checklist and say ok just to clarify, email me this and you are done.

#BlogLife328 - Dead stories or dead writer?

I'm still really stressed waiting for something to resolve. I didn't have the best night sleep, woke up every few hours so finally at 7amish I just made myself rest, instead of getting up.

And a few hours later, no nausea or pain and I felt more rejuvenated. Ok now the pain is starting to kick in slowly.

Normally I'll have the current stories or something random playing in my head, evolving the plot but for a long time now, that hasn't happened.

I just don't think I'm relaxed enough. There's always something that seems to ruin my mood and I'm trying really hard to be pro active and not let chores pile up but nothing is quite working out.

My nails looked good long but I just chopped them short again, much easier to deal with.

I think I'll challenge myself to post either a story, fiction piece or a wattpad chapter before the week is out.

Maybe that will get me fired up. I wonder if it's safe to put wipes in the freezer for a bit. I was storing them in the fridge but they don't seem that cold or full of moisture.

I thought I would experiment and stick them in the freezer for a bit to see how it compares.

I really miss the Mr Freeze ice poles, they seem to contain the least excess sugar and flavourings but they are never in stock.

I'm going to get the milk lollies and some Barratts milkshake lollies. Apparently at least the milk ones are the healthiest to get in terms of calories, sometimes I'm not hungry or I just want something sweet or cooling during summer.

Those seem to fit the bill. When I was consuming ice cream, my favourites were the cornettos, feast, magnum and cookies and cream as most of those had the yummy nuts included.

But they are all tooo sweet and calorific and I'm still trying to make more sensible choices.

As for the new template thing. I think I've just gotten tired of trying to find a theme that embodies me, instead of something feminine and cute that looks more put together and less sloppy.

I hate that the white font is hard to read and if I can find a way to change it without messing up the other fonts I'll do it eventually. but it took me so long to find something that displayed correctly and that I loved so I don't want to mess it up.