#Blogalife185 - Being sick is not a valid life choice *strong language*

What's up with the title S? I've just realised something else by being here and having to lie down and rest more frequently.. 

I'm seen as a slacker/weirdo because I don't do much and get tired easily. 

I keep being asked if I'm going to do this or that and the answer is nope, she's just here lounging. 

I just feel drained and all I've done is showered, washed my hair. Blogged and had breakfast. 

I am properly sleepy now and can barely keep my eyes open and my body aches all over. 

I think what bugs me is the distorted truth. Mama keeps bragging to everyone how wonderful and helpful the other two are but she never mentions me at all. 

Complimenting me, would offset the others I guess.. 

My daughter? Oh err she's never been arrested or in jail. 

She's never had psycho violent outbursts threatening bodily harm. 

She's never ran up debts so I've received court summons.

No, no all that one has done is errr umm err well, she counsels others a bit. 

She could have disclosed I write fiction but why talk about me, when she can blabber about the other two. 

I know, let's talk about the police visits and the borrowing /stealing... No? 

Alright just proceed to tell me and others how perfect they are, while i vomit.

Compared to you SS they are preferable. 

They have friends... You don't. 

They are sociable and work hard. You don't. 

They're happy and well adjusted and all you do is bitch about them. 

Clearly SS the problem lies with you and you're a fuck up, not them. 

This is what is keeping me up at night and I need to leave this weekend and repair the head fuckery of these visits.. 

The reason they get to be happy is they never have to adjust from bastards to respectful people because they are cherished. 

I on the other hand who was told I was nobody and should stay voiceless.... 

Well half of me is depressed. I've lost my appetite and  teenage me has resurfaced and I feel dead inside.

I advised her many times not to get a two bedroom place so that they can't stay longer and purposely row but she ignored that so I said, what happens if they refuse to leave...?

Now she reacts calmly stating Oh I'll just call the cops and have them forcibly removed.

WTF???? So suddenly now you are happy to do that for your own fucking safety?

When I grew up with the threats of violence and verbal abuse daily? 

Surrounded by junkies? Now all of a sudden, you'll cooperate with the police and let them inside?

FUCK THE HELL OFF!!

When I was growing up petrified and locking myself in my room, wondering if I was going to survive the day, you didn't do fuck all about it.

But now that it concerns your well being, suddenly you're prepared to stand up to them???

I love you but you make me hate you more and more. This anger is not relenting, it is growing stronger.

You're basically saying to me, my emotional/physical state mean't nothing to you at all!

It hit me just now. She's proud of them using her friends for money but she's thoroughly disappointed in me.

Of course she turns a blind eye to their exploits and see's them as "perfect samaritans."

I really don't know how to be okay with this realisation...........

#BlogLife184 - Bah humbug, just kidding Merry Christmas readers :D

Happy holidays to each and every one of you and I hope you are enjoying time away. Just relax and do your own unique thing.

Sorry I've been kinda quiet. I arrived safe and sound and the cab driver was a funny, chatty guy so no panic attacks while travelling and he made it easier.

Not helpful with the massage case bag, the laptop bag, the overnight bag, my handbag... But they sometimes brag the same thing..

Oh I usually help, blah blah blah.... Yea right, no tip for you. Actually the tip is..... Get off your arse and assist!!

Moving on, I'm settled in and didn't forget anything, like I usually do but I haven't been sleeping at all until now and that leaves me quite un-creative and annoyed.

Plus all these pmt symptoms even though I've finished for the month, still feeling dizzy, sickly and uncomfortably bloated so just tired and icky really.

Which means no posts for you and a million ways to try and relax for me.

No dramas yet but the family impromptly arrives tonight or tomorrow, so watch the space because I am in no mood for the bs express.

I overloaded the bags because I had extra stuff for mama and the person who shall not be mentioned. Obligatory gifts... Pfft.

I don't usually walk with my cordless shiatsu heated massager but at home I can sprawl out and write and shift positions to a nicer one, here my body is upright on a chair/sofa and it locks up painfully....

Thus applying massage and heat helps relax the tense muscles and then I don't feel so miserable and crippled in pain.

Sometimes it's just weird being outside of my home and remembering. Ooh I need this, that or the other or I am screaming in agony..

We haven't exchanged the gifts yet and I am not really fussed. I keep having this story idea in my head. 

Actually there are quite a few waiting to be written but I don't have it in me. Need more sleep for that to happen.

I'll post these at some point but not yet.

If you are wondering what I received for gifts? Cash. cash and Beats headphones in a flashy red shade with a cute baby pouch to keep them in.

#AgonyLife12 - Dear SS I'm alone for the holidays, how do I survive it?

Firstly just go with how you're feeling at this moment. The holidays can be an emotional time for us all.

I'm just going to attempt to flip it around though.. Think of it like this maybe..?

*A Christmas/Holiday date with yourself*

*Nobody looking over your shoulder or starting fights*

*Complete control of the TV remote*

*Eating whatever and whenever you want*

*No painful small talk*

*Sublime uninterrupted snorey naps Zzz*

*Your choice of festive/non festive music*

*Gaming in peace for hours, guilt free :D*

*Reading your favourite blog/book/paper (hint hint)*

I could go on the but I hope you can see what I'm trying to say.

You can still find a way to be happy and get through this time of year. 

#AgonyLife11 - Dear SS I'm trying to diet through the holidays, help?

You are very brave because its even more difficult with friends/family/colleagues encouraging you to have more or try a bit.

Hopefully there will be healthy versions of food and drinks.

If you get fed up with the comments, you could say you're allergic to chocolate etc

Or if you don't want to drink say you have a bet going with a competitive friend to see who can avoid alcohol the longest..

Sounds better than I'm dieting or trying to get healthy/healthier..

There maybe occasions where you can't refuse. Don't panic.

The diet isn't ruined, enjoy this temporary insanity and admit you enjoyed it but tell yourself, on the next meal, I'll do better. 

You could suggest a walk afterwards or some dancing or even sports.. 

Or when everyone has turned in, you could do some sit ups, go for a jog, run up and down the stairs.. 

Some like food diaries, others don't. If you have someone going through the same challenge you can check in and support each other. 

Good luck and I am rooting for you :)

#BlogLife183 - Chatty chicks watching flicks 2

I'm back to feeling exhausted. I was trying to nap but sleep just wouldn't come even though my eyes kept closing during the advents.

Last night I was thinking about how tv used to be so good that I would be shouting at the screen..

Nooooo don't say that. Leave him/her. Look behind you!! Oh I knew that was going to happen. Pfft! 

I remember watching an ancient episode of Kojak or Ironside and I don't think I had seen it before and it was really gritty and fascinating so I kept shouting at the screen..

And my mama came in and said, why are you so animated?? It's just a show. 

I just laughed because it's a really truly engaging programme. You can't help but be caught up in it.

I've just done a mini mask/face wash and face brush session because now I'm on, my pimples are cropping up and I needed a midweek deep cleanse.

It's not too bad, just a couple but annoying all the same. I have got to pluck my brows.

The left side is manageable but the right, I can't see what the hell I'm doing. It's so awkward.

Dagnabit!! I forgot to keep looking for the Christmas blog themes. 

I actually found a nice red one but it wasn't displaying the posts properly. It took away the paragraph breaks. Grrrr!

I cheated and found last year's. I'm too tired to search anymore. I tried a bunch out and hardly any were displaying properly.

Very cute some of them too. I'm a bit gutted but I don't have the energy for this.

Today's film of choice is The Muppet's Christmas Carol. I watch this every year because I grew up on the muppets. 

I wasn't a fan of the musical numbers unless they were catchy but I think the cheesy humour and Miss Piggy character just had me intrigued and laughing nonstop.

She had the curves, the confidence and the arrogance that hid her insecurities away and I could relate to that.

I don't know which came first, this or Muppets in Space but it feels like Gonzo was getting back at Rizzo because he just got him in so much trouble and dismissed his fears continuously :D

The highlights were Rizzo forgetting his sweets. Piggy unable to remember her daughter's names.

Piggy and Kermit #Kiggy being a married couple that were happy involved.

Rizzo's tail on fire, Rizzo kissing Gonzo's nose sweetly and just the general fretting of Rizzo over Gonzo's welfare while Gonzo was unfazed haha.

I don't know which is my favourite Muppet movie of all time, they all have elements which make me giggle.

#BookLife3 - How Mrs Claus got on the naughty list (fiction)

Chapter 1

Hi I'm Clara Claus. Who am I? The long suffering wife of the "beloved" Santa.

Hmpfff if people knew him like I did, they wouldn't be impressed at all.  

Jolly? Hah! Give me a break. Barking orders to me and the rest of the staff.

If it wasn't for me, the elves and reindeer would have left eons ago. 

I keep this grotto running smoothly. I maintain the good working relationships so nobody is taken for granted and what does Mr Red Suit do?

Delegate, delegate and shirk his responsibilities onto me. I do the naughty list, I open the letters. I do it all.

All jolly pants does is do the deliveries. Well I am fed up of it. I want recognition too.

He has lost his magic. I think he wants to retire but at the same time, can't live outside the spotlight.

Just between you and me, my eyes have been wandering. I mean hey..

I put up with a lot, spending the holidays alone is no picnic. He's not as affectionate as he used to be.

His eyes would sparkle with energy and mischief, now they are just cold and lifeless.

Well I am still young at heart and I want romance and adventure.

Chapter 2

The Grinch and Scrooge have been secretly wining and dining me and I am loving it.

Casey is oblivious. He is hardly here to be honest. The elves have noticed me humming around the workshop.

They assume me and Casey have patched things up. I am definitely not correcting them.

It's only the 9th December but I have already decided before the year is out I will leave him.

I just haven't decided who to pick yet. I mean me and Casey met straight out of Holiday College and he was my first and only boyfriend.

I was so young back then. Well he may have given up on life but not me.

Gerardo Grinch and Stefano Scrooge I met at our annual Christmas party.

As usual Casey was boasting about breaking records, shaving time off his annual sky trip and scoffing chocolate yule logs.

What a bore. He didn't even comment on my new red sparkly dress or my short chic wavy hairdo.

But they did.......

I met Gerardo first. He hates parties but our eyes locked, he kissed my hand.

Nobody has done that for years and we danced and talked, he asked about me, not Santa.

Nobody ever does that anymore. It was perfect. I had butterflies.

He left and then Stefano approached me and said he couldn't keep away any longer.

I giggled. I mean, when was the last time I did that? Huh? He was charming.

Casey hadn't noticed a thing, he was surrounded laughing away, keeping up appearances or maybe he enjoyed this tediousness.

Who knows? Who cares? Not I anymore. I was going to run away from it all.

Chapter 3

Me and Stefano snuck away and just carried on talking. The way he looked at me brought me back to life.

I felt young again and as he kissed my hand and looked at me with genuine affection, I found myself nodding that I would see him again.

I felt horribly guilty, at first. I had always been faithful and never once tempted to stray.

I don't know when I fell out of love with Casey but our marriage was dead.

I just didn't know who to choose. Nothing scandalous occurred. I am still a respectable married woman.

But there were kisses on the cheek, hugs and hand holding. An emotional set of affairs I guess?

Gerardo Grinch was generous but hated socialising. He preferred to stay indoors and just stay low key and for a while it was fine but I wanted more.

Whereas Stefano Scrooge was penny pinching but he loved to wile away the hours dancing, bowling or even ice skating.

(As long as he had a voucher or there was a prominent discount available). 

What am I going to do? Who do I pick? If Casey was the man I married, I would happily stay forever but sadly the man I once knew is gone.

Chapter 4

I walked outside, the snow was falling and it was picturesque. I would miss it when I skipped off to Hawaii.

I just wanted a change. I breathed in the cold biting air. I didn't know how I was going to say goodbye.

I carved out a snowman and then smashed it to pieces because it reminded me too much of Casey.

Ugh my phone was beeping away with calls and messages. Casey wanted me to do the schmoozing thing with him.

Hah, as if we had a perfect marriage. Why was keeping up appearances so important?

Maybe if he worked on this partnership, we would be really happy, instead of faking it.

Now that I had made the difficult decision to leave him, I felt as phony as he was.

What was I sticking around for? To help out the staff? To assist him, one last time?

I sighed with restlessness and reluctantly went inside. I stood at the doorway and peeked around.

Everybody was still in good spirits and then Casey marched up to me and put my red glimmering shawl around my shoulders.

"Where have you been? I was worried about you?" I rolled my eyes at the insensitive question.

"Yea right. You seemed real concerned as you were yacking it up and being the perfect host."

"Let's not do this here, we have guests and I have a frantic night ahead of me."

"It's allllll about you, isn't it Casey? Well I have reached my limit and when you return tonight I won't be here."

"I'm leaving you tonight." Casey swiftly took my elbow and frogmarched me out to the corridor to talk discreetly.

Chapter 5

"What are you talking about Clara? I know I have been neglecting you all night but I was just doing my hostly duties."

"I think you are being overly sensitive. I prom-" I wrenched my elbow out of Casey's strong grip.

"Don't you dare put this on me. I have been patient and caring and waited for you to see how much I do for you."

"Do you ever stop and say thanks or have a kind word? No! You just expect it to be done, so you can hang out with your reindeer and elf friends."

"Well I am sick of spending the holidays alone and I am leaving you for either Scroogey or Grinchy."

"I haven't decided!"

"Are you out of your mind woman?? I hire those clowns to spend time with you to find out what you wanted for Christmas."

"I will kill them both!!"

I slumped against the wall as my eyes began to water. "I feel so humiliated."

Casey tried to pull me into a tight embrace but I pushed him away.

He outmaneuvered me and held me tightly as I sobbed on his chest.

You would think it would be his thick beard but just between you and me, Casey preferred to be clean shaven and wore a fake beard.

Chapter 6

We stood silently for a bit until someone coughed. Sheepishly standing there looking guilty was Stefano and Gerardo.

I narrowed my eyes angrily and slapped them both wordlessly. Casey clenched his fist but I grabbed his hand to stop him.

"If I ever see either of you near me or my wifey again. I'll tear your eyes out and then I'll make you really sorry."

Gerardo and Stefano gulped, nodded and scurried off gasping and mumbling it was the other's fault.

Casey kissed me softly on the lips as I looked up at him confused. My eyes were red from crying and my makeup had run.

"You are still the most beautiful woman I have ever known. I still remember our first meeting."

"You were hurrying somewhere and dropped a book. I picked it up and would only return it to you, if you agreed to a date with me."

"I would have done or said anything to keep you talking, even if it was just for a few seconds longer."

"As soon as I saw those soft chestnut eyes, I was a goner." Casey's declaration had my eyes swimming with fresh tears.

"I know I've been a bad hubby but that is because of the surprise."

"I've fully trained my replacement Nick, what a weird name but he is ready to take over and I am prepared to woo and win over the love of my life again, if she will have me?"

"Aren't you mad at me for the emotional affair? Nothing happened. There were hugs, pecks on my cheek but I never initiated anything but still...."

"I guess I was just tired of being alone in this marriage and I wanted someone to notice me and care what I wanted or needed."

Casey nodded sadly. "I was livid and jealous but I realised you are right. I took you for granted and just stopped seeing you as my best friend."

"I was going to wait until Christmas Eve but I have booked us tickets to Hawaii and although I would have liked to have flown reindeer style, one last time.."

"We can go by plane." I held onto Casey tightly. He was finally back, the man I remembered so long ago.

"My first and last love. Merry Christmas Casey." Casey smiled and said "Merry Christmas wifey."

Casey waved his magic finger and with that, my name was off the naughty list and back on the nice list, where it belonged.

As we were standing under the mistletoe we kissed passionately, held hands and walked off into a new festive adventure.

The End.

#BlogLife182 - Pork sausage alternates

I was craving hotdog's and Iceland seems to be all out of the chicken sausages so I looked at the veggy ones and didn't realise Richmond did their version of it.

I have tried the chicken type from Richmond's and quite love those but never seen this version.

I read the reviews and they were mostly good a few negatives of course.

What caught my eye was someone remarking they tasted like meat and that cemented it for me and I added it to the basket.

I just like them to have some proper seasoning and flavour and having just tried it, there is a hint of beef flavour and it's quite tasty,

I would say a medium size and I would purchase it again. The tesco meat free sausages were a favourite and then I tried Fry's take on it and those are sublime but not as good.

The fry's variation reminds me of tesco meat free sausages, only not as good. They have less taste.

As you know, I'm not a vegetarian but I don't mind trying out vegetarian or vegan alternatives.

It's fun seeing what I can add to meals. I mostly eat chicken, beef and sometimes salmon so nice to have something different.

I will just say even if it is vegetarian food, cook it well to get the maximum flavour. I did mine for about 20 minutes.

#BlogLife181 - Unreadable at first

 Afternoony all. How are you feeling today? I'm shattered as per usual but I can't seem to nap anymore. As usual the minute I start to get into a cosy comfy sleep, the alarm rings.

I guess now that masks are mandatory in public again, I have forgone wearing makeup.

I felt so dizzy just trying to walk around and catch my breath. The good news is I picked up some gifts for the family, scented smellies.

The bad news is, I still wish I could give my mama something more useful than a foodie hamper but time is running out.

Early next week is probably the cut off point and maybe inspiration will hit this week.

I did get a new penpal request but..... It was a short strange one, with very little details.

It's odd for an introduction, it's as though either they can't be bothered to greet me properly or it's a rejected penpal, trying his luck with a new approach....

I'm leaning towards the latter. I can't bring myself to reply to it. You get one chance to make an impression and if that is what you are going with...

I'll pass. It's like if I came up to you on the street and said Hi. How are.....? Ok bye now. Call me.

It's too weird. If you are going to take the time out to write someone, why not share a bit about yourself?

For the past couple of days I've been having bad vision problems.

Sometimes it's really hard to read and I never know if it's the lenses or my eyesight deteriorating.

It scares me because my prescription is already insanely high and I don't want it to get any worse but with ageing I guess that is inevitable for everyone.

I did do a deep clean of my lenses with the protein tablets and although they feel more comfortable, it didn't make a big difference.

I've been blurry for a while but somehow today. It's cleared up and I can see and read really well.

I don't really understand but it's something I'll just monitor and chase up with an optometrist eventually.

I would usually go and get my brows tidied and get a pedicure but I'm not in the mood this year.

I just feel sapped of energy, mentally and physically. I'm aiming to finish the short stories before the year is out but nothing is inspiring me.

I don't really want to blog for the sake of it so instead when I feel like I have something to say, I'll post at that time, instead of daily.

Then in the new year I hope I'll feel more talkative and creative. Take care for now.

:)

#BlogLife180 - Dancing the face brush off

I'm sorry about Friday's lack of post. Just felt a bit empty and uncreative.

I have started a short Christmas story for the festive season but I'm not sure how I'll end it..

I got up early today and waited two and half hours for a grocery shop from Iceland to arrive.

I could have had some extra sleep, had I known it was delayed. Felt like I was just drifting off to a deep sleep when the alarm went off.

I'm really not having a good lens day as they keep fogging up and my eyes are dry and watery at the same time.

I'll do my protein treatment tonight and hopefully they will better tomorrow.

I'm sure BT is having internet problems because mine was crashing all day.

Very frustrating trying to getting anything done. I reset the router twice and it seems okay now.

I'm hoping it stays normal now. I sorted something private out that was worrying me, had a small win which will take care of Christmas.

I feel a lot better about the expenses now and I got my vigorous dance workout done.

I was in a good mood so I slipped on a party jam I hadn't heard in ages and bopped my head and shook those wide hips for all they were worth while.....

I was doing my late night treatments. I brushed my teeth and then applied the face mask and face wash to my brush and scrubbed my face clean.

The brush wasn't spinning that much so I assume it's dead again but I'm sure I charged it recently.

Oh well back on it goes. I haven't used a moisturiser for months.

I don't even recall if I have used one this year. I don't think I need it.

My skin is soft and smooth and I like it being bare of a cream that sits heavily, no matter how "light" it claims to be.

I'll be writing less posts from now on. I'm busy and there is a lot to do.

Sorry about that. I need a break. I don't even know if I'll be blogging while I'm away.

I need to recharge my batteries. I hope you'll be doing the same during the holidays.

#BlogLife179 - Keeping you abreast 2

There are a few lingerie advents going on and the first thing I do before submitting my entry is to pop onto the site and see if they have my size.

Unfortunately whether it is clothes or lingerie, I don't often see it. In this case they didn't have mine but they had sizes above, roughly.

I would have to convert it to find my typical size. It got me thinking about how pretty feminine bras are made for small, regular sizes..

But if you are not the standard and require something a lot bigger, there is a limited choice and style available, especially if you are on a budget.

It's a shame really because no matter what your size, everyone wants to feel stylish and sexy and it's not always possible.

I don't really understand the lingerie companies that focus on smaller busts as though they are the only ones that need a sports bra.

They don't need as much support as someone who jiggles and bounces with each stride, let alone jog.

Why not cater to us, the core market? What happened to bra's being comfortable?

Years and years ago I could wear an underwired bra and forget I had it on and be out and about and not fuss with it or be irritated.

Now I have tried quite a few and it's just painfully unbearable. Of course it would be a dream to keep the cleavage up but not at that painful price.

Maybe they need more plus size models actually donning these bras for hours on end, to see first hand, how it digs in to the flesh and leaves marks on the shoulders and under the breastbone.

How it feels restrictive and cuts into the skin and feels like a binding corset. Are we in the victorian era???

Gone are the times when I can buy a matching set because it doesn't correlate.

I miss those days. I could browse and pick up a set and be guaranteed to find a match.

Now I would just have to buy them separately and try to find a near match.

Maybe the world thinks fashion is just for the flat chested and skinny??

Pfffft. 

#BlogLife178 - Sign up for free and get taken for a ride

Those seemingly free offers that look too good to be true, no purchase necessary, just register now and you'll receive... ££'s for doing absolutely nothing..

Except of course giving all your personal details away, possibly credit card information, a telephone number, to get those pesky incessant cold calls and spam emails.

We promise we won't sell your details (much, I mean we will to a few people and then a boatload more but not to worry because by this time, you will have already sold your soul).

And all you'll get in return is some cash or vouchers or some other cheap trinket that doesn't last long and we can scam and hassle you forever.

Is it worth it for a tiny freebie? Just be extremely cautious when signing up to anything. Read the fine print carefully, the companies don't want you too.

I've been caught out before because it's just long and tedious and squinty to read the jargon but it's for the best.

Some companies have these convoluted paths to go through when you want to cancel a subscription.

In order to terminate this membership, you must have been born in the summer with the star sign cancer and your parents must have half blue/half green eyes and you must change your name to sucker!

There is always a time frame, a few days, maybe even a month but read carefully and mark it on a calendar or alarm and that way you won't forget.

Not all trials are bad but it is all too easy to be caught out. Suddenly this "free" offer has cost you £££'s.

If you still feel concerned. Google some reviews, you could even check youtube, see if it was easy to cancel, see if there were any tricks to be aware of before registering.

Good luck and just use your immense common sense, you have an abundance of it and it rarely steers you wrong.

Hey, none of us are infallible :)

#BlogLife177 - When will it start to feel like Christmas?

I'm sorry today's post is late. I feel a bit all over the place. I'm just exhausted each night I keep hoping to get a long rest but it rarely happens.

There are signs all around that it will soon be Christmas but it doesn't feel like it yet.

The days and nights are getting colder, there is less sunshine, the Christmas adverts are in abundance.

I don't watch commercials any longer. I miss the days when they were actually entertaining and amusing so that I didn't mind my favourite show being interrupted, now they are a cheesy snooze fest.

I have some favourite advents I look forward to each year, perfumes, beauty, gift vouchers and techy items.

I'm playing the Christmas tunes but maybe it's because I feel like scrooge this year.

My budget is smaller and there are a lot of ongoing expenses so I have to be careful about my spending whereas normally I just splurge more generously.

There have also been some really fun advent games like a darts one, where the snowball was hurled to make a bullseye and you had unlimited turns.

Playing santa you had to drop off presents accurately down the chimney as you flew ahead, that was fun.

I don't really like the ones where you have to catch things falling as the keyboard/mouse tends to stick and I lose prematurely.

Do you have a favourite festive drink? For us it's usually shloer red grape as none of us really drink.

My mama is sometimes partial to cider but that's about it. Previously it was baileys but now sparkling grape juice hits the spot better.

Ooh let me just end on a confession........

Alright regarding the fleecy blanket that I thought was a cloak. As you probably guessed, the two sleeves are not ties, they are legitimately real sleeves.

I do not pay attention to anything when I'm busy. It was a productive morning and I had so much to do, they just looked too tiny to be sleeves ha.

But now I realise I can use it both ways, the cloak way for when I don't want it dragging on the floor and the sleeve way for when I feel that chill and need extra warmth.

I actually did think there was a hood at the back because there was this extra material but nope........ It's still cute though.

I am just such a shortie and it's quite long and I love that the sleeves cover the whole of the wrist.

There's nothing worse than sleeves that stop short and let the cold air in and look weird. Brrr

#BlogLife176 - Shopping for the ungiftable

How do these weekends fly by so fast? I didn't really have any lay ins but I was napping a lot.

I feel more refreshed, the advents are going fine. No wins but no fake notifications either, I'm happy about that.

I have to buy some obligatory gifts and I'm thinking a scented candle and some deodorant and then for mama, I have no clue.

I even took the easy route and asked and she just shrugged but rattled off things to avoid.

Books,

Dvds,

Cakes,

Anything bulky..

Beauty,

The problem is she hoards things and doesn't re-gift or chuck them out, which I encourage her to do but she refuses.

What is left is a massive amount of clutter and she is going to wish she did have a clear out before she moves, which will be......I have no idea.

One of them isn't coming down so I guess I can go for a bit and stay over and I still feel weird about it, now I am more aware she pushes my buttons on purpose..

Hopefully it will be less stressful this time. I really don't understand why my parents are/were obsessed with attacking me.....

Blah.....Whatever, you would think I would be used to it by now.

I figure getting a food hamper will be the safe bet, as that will be consumed and there will be no complaining, something is taking up precious room.

Homemade fudge, premium nutty biscuits, peanut cereal bars, maybe crackers or crisps or choccies....

I just remembered she always craves popcorn. I could add that to the list, just sweet and salty, as she isn't into fancy flavours.

Plus maybe some lovely non alcoholic wine, the last bottle was quite big and surprisingly tasty, for the price, ha :D

Good luck, listen out for clues and just try to think outside the box, if the person you are purchasing for is never happy with your chosen surprises.

#BlogLife175 - Chatty chicks watching flicks

I'm not sure if I'll make this into a series but I felt like a movie review/ramble, less focused post today.

I just finished watching A Castle For Christmas which was a funny romcom for anyone looking for something less serious to while away the time.

It stars Cary Elwes and Brooke Shields, even Drew Barrymore has a cameo, which was cute.

I think I feel especially excited when the main character is a writer. I feel like I'll get some insights on how to suddenly be an advanced more intriguing storyteller.

Brooke's character has a public meltdown and writer's block so decides to take off and explore a castle, where her father grew up.

Then she meets the cranky pants owner and trouble ensues.... I'm not saying anymore, check it out, if you like.

The name of the snacks I am addicted to are called Przysnacki and there is a cheese version and more of a cheese and onion flavour.

I think I love these due to the lack of excess salt. They are quite crunchy and possess the hybridness of a cheeto and wotsit marriage blend.

I skipped November's period and if you're wondering why I'm obsessed about it.

I'm relieved I skipped a month but I just wonder where in December I'll start.

It's just never been typical so if I actually had a period, early November, you would think I would start in early December but nopeeeee.

It's just whenever it feels like coming on or I could skip another month. 

I'm sure two months is the longest I have ever gone without a period since I started.

I'm not sure how to say this tactfully but I may have discovered a new blog today which is exciting after searching for this long.

I don't have time to read it some more but what I did was intriguing and made me want to find out more.

It highlights the major differences between talking to someone who is also having health issues and someone that is totally healthy and without this to deal with in their daily life.

Some people want to understand or support but more often than not, they say the most damaging things ever.

That is where some of my anger comes from. People not taking me seriously and dismissing my valid concerns.

It's a depressing burden to not feel heard when trying to explain, that I am unable to do this or that.

I am made to feel like this drama queen or a spotlight hog desperate for special attention but I am neither.

The only thing that would have been nice is some respect and to make allowances because I will never be the same as you.

I need different things so that I can do what you take for granted every day. 

I can't manage but you can! That's the difference between us. I have to think carefully before I undertake a task but you can just do it without any conscious thought about how it will unfold.

I much prefer being out alone as opposed to with people because I can walk at a slow pace and let my body chill, whereas someone else is scurrying along, rushing for the bus/car.

It never once occurs to them, there is a reason I am walking behind them and lingering, possibly pausing every few steps because the pain is unbearable and I need a rest.

For that reason I never feel I can say, hold up or can you slow down please because nobody has the decency to check up and ask......

Hey, are you doing alright? I know being outdoors is no picnic for you, do you need anything?

#BlogLife174 - Keep Scrooge at bay.. Have an Adventful day!

Emotionally I feel a lot better but I think I caught a chill and have been sniffling all day today.

My mama had brought me this cutesy fleecy blanket from Ebay earlier in the year and I had it tucked away.

I pulled it out today and it's so lovely. It's just plain black, surprisingly thick and huge which I like.

What I didn't realise is that it has the cutest feature. I've never seen it before in a blanket.

It has these two what seems like mini sleeves that you tie around your neck and use it to form a cloak which holds the blanket around your body effortlessly.

I absolutely adore not having to fuss with it. I think it was about £6. 

The only parts of me that are now a lil bit cold are my hands and feet, which is typical but the rest of me is toasty.

I've just entered maybe 30/40 advent competitions today and now I can play all the Christmas music I want.

I remember last year's trolls. All those fake winning notifications but hopefully this year I will be more careful and not take it at face value, until I investigate it further.

Unfortunately I advise you to do the same and contact the organiser directly to ask if the competition has ended and if you are the legitimate winner.

That's the only way I know how to differentiate between legitimacy and scam artists.

I did get a takeout for 2 days yesterday so I enjoyed having those sandwiches filling me up.

It seems like everytime I order from my favourite places they throw in extras, today it was drinks.

As usual I stay loyal and use this site. It's mostly UK only entries I should point out sorry :-

https://www.theprizefinder.com/competitions/advent-competitions

I value customer service above everything else. 

The site can have issues or not as many comps as other's but the customer service is always friendly and go above and beyond to support.

#BlogLife173 - First time I bricked an Honor phone without touching it

I have had so many phones over the years. From Siemen's, to Nokia's, to Motorola's to Samsung's to an LG which I hated and was my worst phone as it was broken from the start.

The crook's at Carphone Warehouse refused a refund just kept sending it back with the same faults. It wasn't usable at all.

I'm lucky I won a free phone that solved my problems back then. 

My favourite was a Siemen's that when you blocked the number, it didn't appear anywhere and there was no call/text log.

It just terminated it and there was that peace of mind. Whereas now you just see the calls/texts and you think ugh, disgusted.

I did jailbreak one or two phones to see if I could, one broke completely and that was the LG which was busted already so I wasn't fussed.

The other worked okay without issues. My Honor 6A which I got 3 and a half years ago has come up with an error message.

"Your device has failed verification and may not work properly."

I haven't done a thing to this phone. I was on Google and some say maybe an update corrupted the phone.

I think it's set to automatic updates but it's so old. I can't even remember the last time it said hey we have a software version for you to download.

It's android 7.0. I checked for updates and there isn't any. I don't think it is an update gone wrong.

The message appears whenever I switch my phone on or take it off.

I just press the power button to reboot it and then it's functional but there must be a permanent fix, surely?

Hmmm I checked on an official Huawei forum and they mentioned a software crash is typically the issue...

The fix was to restore the phone to factory settings? Pffft no chance.

I will continue to use it as a spare and nighttime sleep aid until I get my new phone at the end of next year.

Strange how one minute, mobiles work perfectly and the next, they are corrupted.

#BlogLife172 - All eyes on the freak

I'm breathing but I feel choked up. It doesn't feel as though there is any air passing through my lungs.

My hands aren't shaking but panic floods my senses.

I closed my eyes wishing it would depart. All eyes flicker on me.

Is she crazy? Get out of my sight FREAK.

Do you have any idea what it's like to have to involuntarily shut your eyes in the midst of a panic attack?

I can't look forwards because it's unfolding, that trigger I can't bear to watch.

I'm holding on to door, pleading with myself not to collapse.

There is no sense of how I can protect myself from this dangerous element.

I want to see my surroundings and feel safe, knowing where I am but I cannot open my eyes until I know it has passed.

It did but I can hear myself breathing and I feel shaky.

I managed to get my headphones on and listen to music and felt calmer and more in control.

I know that I won't feel normal until I am safely inside my home.

I managed to pick up some tissues, that I still cannot get from Iceland and I had completely run out.

It was 2 for £1 which was quite a bargain. I also selected some pocket tissues for a £1.

Topped up my oyster with £10 because the driver seemed to be in space...

I kept asking him if my card went through and he was staring at me blankly, so I just kept swiping until he eventually nodded.

When I asked my balance from the guy at the til he said minus £1 lol.

I was okay feet/legs wise but I just couldn't make myself go towards the takeout places.

I skipped breakfast and it's 2.08pm. I don't feel hungry as such but like yesterday I am trying to stick to a rough eating pattern and that helps to ground me in a sensible routine.

I went into that special supermarket again. I swear I am addicted, I walked past the bakery selection and wow they looked scrumptious.

I just had no idea, what any of them were. No labels and I felt embarrassed to ask.

I could have picked up desert but I was carrying drinks and crisps in my hands as the basket was too heavy to carry...

My second panic attack came when I realised once again they had moved around the bus I normally take home.

One minute it was showing on the timetable app and the next it was off.

I finally got up and checked the schedule only to see it had switched to somewhere that wasn't clearly marked.

I walked up and down as others were confused and it was just difficult to stay serene.

Eventually I checked on the opposite side and it was there. They have moved it to 2 different places so far.

I pointed out that another stranger was lost, was in the right area and he in turn told me the bus had arrived and was behind the current one.

I hadn't even noticed and had missed several buses while waiting. Grrr.

I feel okay now that I am back home but it was all I could do to stop myself having a meltdown.

No-one said anything mean but it was the looks. I really do feel weird and small.

I can't cope and I admit that freely. My eyes are now swimming with tears and it was a long time coming so that's a good thing.

I am really trying to curb my spending but just this once I might grab a takeaway from Just Eat.

There is a 20% off deal on Tuesdays. It's been yonks since I had a chicken hotdog and a chicken kebab burger. It's just a pity, they don't sell dessert :(

#BlogLife171 - I survived.......But did I really?

Firstly I'm sorry about the lack of a new post on Friday. Thoughts were running in my head but nothing seemed to piece together.

I assumed it would make sense but it never did so I decided on a long weekend. I spent most of it looking at this old drama that reminded me of Cracker.

It was called The Fall with Gillian Anderson. A show about a serial killer who you kinda saw inside their mindset but also against the contrast of the loner killer stereotype.

He was married with kids and was even a counsellor. It was bizarre but addictive. Enjoyed it until the end where it didn't quite feel satisfying....

Casting that aside it just made me think of traumatic experiences in general. How we as humans are supposed to forget and move on...

How if we survive a horrific ordeal, we are deemed "lucky." 

I can say with certainty that I didn't and don't feel fortunate. I have to live with it. I recall things randomly..

I was in the worst state possible, yet I couldn't shake this notion, that something even more excruciating was going to happen next.

The unthinkable had occurred, what on earth did I think could top that??

It eats away at me. I see these terrifying flashes in my dreams. There is no control, no safety, there is just abandonment, fear and danger.

My heart pounds, I'm sweating profusely and my breathing is ragged. I wish I could switch off but the sun hasn't set yet and it's too dark.

I don't want to switch on all the lights but neither do I want to be engulfed by darkness.

If I play party music at this point, my breath returns to normal and I don't feel so panicky.

I can remember all the times I pressed play and danced in my room or in some other place and there was nothingness.

I was singing or humming, with known or unknown lyrics/tunes.

It feels like a big YES. You are entitled to feel this way. No-one can disagree or change you..

The music sweeps me away with it and I can just be!!! I'm not wrong or right, I'm just free.

Don't try to pick me apart or understand, just go with it. Let me sway and sing and find a way to accept this state of maddening confusion and rage.

I can't make sense of it but I can let it just ride and be where it needs to be.

I'm not a riddle to be figured out. I don't get it, so what the hell makes you think you know me?

You don't and you never will!

I'm just sick of people asking me these superficial questions and then making snap judgements.

"Oh that must have been terrible but it's in the past!"

What people forget is that technically it is in the past because that's when it occurred but when you live with something daily and it lingers in your mind.

It's the past, present and future too. There's no getting away from it.

#BlogLife170 - Keeping up with the bucket's (pronounced bouquet's)

Do you remember that comedy? Keeping Up Appearances? It was a British show on TV about a woman and her husband and her neighbours and alleged friends.

She had an over inflated ego and a sense of entitlement. Wanted to be seen to be wealthy, a social butterfly and prestigious, however this always failed and people saw right through her.

I know someone like that so when we sat down to watch it as a family, me and mama shot each other knowing looks and laughed.

This person was judgemental and brash and cold. She couldn't sit still, the place always had to be spotless, trash emptied, whether the bag was empty or not and had to have brand names everywhere.

Her husband was the complete opposite, he was warm and friendly and down to earth. He would help anyone that needed it and would strive to make anyone feel welcome and jolly.

She was the queen of critique and always had to make snide comments and gossip. She was looked up to for a long time and her kids were the spitting image of her.

Unpleasant to be around. Then as time moved on and I got older, she lost her audience. People were less sociable. Everyone had their own family to contend with..

Her ego was deflated and maybe some confidence and you would think that would be a humbling experience for anyone but she continues to be slightly more bitter, needy and rude.

I just find it amusing how she always pitied and looked down on my mama, well all of us really and then it turns out, not many people want to be around her now.

Whereas my mama, who didn't have true friends or much of a social life, now is buzzing from place to place and constantly receives invitations to dinner.

I guess my point is, no matter who you try and pretend to be, the truth will out you eventually so you might as well make peace with it and show others respect.

#BlogLife169 - Looney Tunes Wold of Mayhem 3 - Gadgets/Encore

I still haven't equipped gadgets that have been around for ages. I've watched a few videos and heard some opinions but my own thoughts differ.

1. People recommend using 4 of the same type, poms, cleaners, helmets etc.

2. Supposedly it is best for attack gadgets to go with attacker toons and so forth.

3. Ignore the blue common gadgets and go for the purple rare and epic gold gadgets.

I had 10 million gold currency and now I am hovering around 6 million.

I didn't twig that the whole of the Encore event was unlocked, so you can pick any row and just start playing. 

I thought you had to pass the stage for it to be playable. I spent a lot of money upgrading the toons because none of them are maxed and they are now dying.

I still haven't gotten Treasure Hunter Tweety but I'm close.

For me personally if I am going to spend that much money, I want a really useful boost and you get that with the purples and gold typically.

Furthermore I don't have many gold gadgets, maybe 2. I did want to attach some purple poms also but again I only have 2. Ooh I just got an extra one, is that a sign?

Should I mix up gold and purple, epic and rare gadgets?

Is it better to have everything the same or wait for more premium gadgets or should I apply them anyway?

I'm not sure how much of a difference it will amount too and frankly I don't want to go below 5 million, it's handy for ranking/tune up costs.

I just want to focus on my healers primarily as when they die, my team expires.

Nova bunny and Hillbilly Hare, I use a lot for brawling, arena and at times R&D.

The rest is probably Grand Duke Sylvester, Contraptionist Egghead, Sea Goin Sam, Cannoneer Canasta, Van Wile, 

The other offputting thing is the cost of improving them isn't cheap.

12 I think is the maximum stage. I mean we do have to upgrade them anyway for the daily quests..

I've personally been recycling the blue commons for scrap pieces.

I could be too fussy or over thinking? I still feel confused :D

Overall I really like this Encore event, for me it's a vast improvement on regionals.

We can use and stack up the regular energy. I had just over 1k of that and now it's all gone.

No materials, unless we buy them but the stages are unlocked and although tricky, some are doable. Most actually.

Plus free legendary/epic pieces to acquire in the daily calendar. 

Fun wheels to spin and interesting option in the store to exchange the event currency.

What do you think of it? I hope they give us free Iron collars on the last day to spin the legendary wheel...

It would be sad to get this close to unlocking Treasure Hunter Tweety and then fail :(

My Iron Mutt is 6 stars and 3 cosmics. My Speedy is 5 stars and 4 cosmics. 

My flaming succotash is 6.4 stars and 4 cosmics. My Super Coyote is 6.3 stars and 3 cosmics.

Lastly I have 225 Tweety pieces.

I think the reason I am addicted to the game is, it relieves me of stress and pains.

I am having a hard time sleeping so I feel agitated and rough but playing games just helps me feel lighter.

I can forget that I have deep rooted fears inside me. I can dismiss the unease I feel when I try to move about.

It doesn't stop me from being productive, it just helps soothe my mind a bit.