#BlogLife364 - Blogging evolution

It seems like before Blogger I was testing my voice, trying various controlled expressions, not too much, let's retain our mystery and not devote too much time to it.

Then maybe I became more settled. Blogger is huge and owned by Google there is only a small chance of it disappearing hopefully unlike the others that ran out of money and had to dissolve.

There was no-one to stifle my creativity anymore. I wasn't looking over my shoulder or freezing whenever I heard the door opening.

Ha how freaky, just as I typed that, the door buzzed and startled me. Nope not the boiler guy.

He is ruining nap time, well to be honest I don't feel sleepy at the moment. My brain is a lil hyper today which is good.

In 2017 there were 62 posts published but I did delete some. I wasn't happy with the writing style or perhaps I outgrew them or they were too repetitive?

I can't remember the reasons. In 2018 there were only 9 posted. I'm not sure why that was. Perhaps I was emotionally distraught?

In 2019 there was only 6 posts. Arghh it's dwindling down. In 2020 at least it improved to 67.

I know that it took me a long time to emotionally unpack everything I'd been through and there were a lot of dark times.

There was chronic insomnia, injuries, financial worries, maintenance issues.

It was a lot of responsibility to bear and then friends were drifting in and out with sorry excuses zzzz.

I felt really alone and confused. There were so many decisions to make, what if I made an error?

Could I cope with the fallout? I recall the male workers were slacking off and trying to gouge me for extra cash because I was a woman alone.

They kept talking down to me and just trying to goof off. I am soft spoken but I had reached my breaking point so I snapped angrily raising my voice and they all towed the line after that.

I was being really careful to stretch my budget. The only outlandish extravagances were the combi microwave that cost £250 as it was stainless steel and I grumbled shelling that out.

But to this day it still works. The bed I forget the cost and wardrobe oh and the blinds/wooden floors.

In 2021 a whopping 221 posts, the highest ever on blogger. I really began to commit and advertise myself on blogging networks and social media.

and now this year I am up to 187 posts so will easily break my record.

It's funny how up and down the journey has been. Life takes over, stress piles up, sometimes there's nothingness inside me.

The fictions posts and stories were a long time coming. Some might seem depressing but it was like a rebirth creating those.

Layer upon layer of heartache and misery just unearthed and risen to the surface.

Sure sometimes I balled my eyes out but I had to confront how bad things really were instead of shielding myself and it was exhilarating.

Who knew I had it in me? Certainly not me. I had cast most of it aside and never thought to explore it.

I was so used to not talking that much or thinking too deeply that all my expression had to be re-learned.

Then the floodgates burst open and I started having fun with it. Spoofs poured out, stories got created and truth series were just as cathartic as the fiction.

It all played a part in the healing. Dear Bully/Crazy Self Therapy..

Those were so raw. Things that I never felt I could admit to anyone.

Oh man, the boiler guy has come and gone and it needs another fix yeesh :(

#BlogLife363 - Retro gaming

What activities did you play as a family growing up?? For us it was a variety of interests.

Dominoes, card games, board games like Monopoly and scrabble was my favourite.

We were competitive but not really trash talkers. It was more sorta gloaty... Oooh I've got a good hand or ha you landed on my Mayfair hotels.

I think there was even a bit of tennis and badminton but although it was kinda fun getting to hit it back or trying to serve. I wasn't sporty as I had no depth perception at all.

Whenever the ball came near me I flinched as it was a missile blur coming for me. There were quite a few swimming trips but again I hated removing my glasses or lenses and not being able to see.

I think it was a safety thing for me. What if there was an emergency and I got trampled upon as I wouldn't know where to head towards or what if I tripped?

It just got too uncomfortable and I remember the girls at school complaining I wasn't aggressive enough in the sports team events and the gym teacher pulled me aside.

I explained that I could not see the ball coming straight at me so I ducked to avoid getting hurt and they were so astonished that they pulled me out of all team sports and let me lounge around haha.

I will say the good thing about having bad eyes is you can use it to your advantage. I was already getting pulled out of classes to check on my vision, if I could see the blackboard and understand the handwriting etc.

I never could truth be told, it was joined up and tiny squiggly writing. They passed it on and I sat at the front and it made no difference lol.

I recall the tutors being exasperated but I just shrugged. I don't even think they made the effort to make it bigger or anymore legible anyway so I kept telling the same thing, sorry can't read it.

In the end I copied from a friends notes. The only other active things we did together was ice skating, I remember that being fun but if I fell I always curled my hand up.

I was petrified of someone skating over my fingers ughhh! It never happened but it could have. I always scrambled to my feet and watched the professionals thinking I wonder if I could be that flexible?

Ugh still waiting for the maintenance guy so much for getting up at 7 in case they came early.

It's now 11amish. Two hours wait remaining.. 

Later on it was pool or snooker but the games took longer and longer and the interest waned. 

Computer wise Commodore 64 was my first console and I was addicted to Wonder Boy, Paper Boy, Ghostbusters, Chuckie Egg and 1943.

 

All the family used to take turns on game night. Do you recall draughts and snakes and ladders?

There were so many faddy games. It's funny how each family has certain rules for certain games so you play it both ways and thrash them when the tables are turned (evil cackle)!

Then it was either Atari or Nintendo. Mario Kart and I can't remember if Zelda was on it or just on the Gameboy/Gamegirl.

I only remember one cheat where you could steal bombs I think to accumulate them but you died and had to restart.

Gosh they used to ache my hands and that was the cue to chuck the controller to someone else and say take over.

You're probably wondering why I#m talking about this subject and I think it's because those were happier times and it randomly popped into my head.

I always found after a stressful day, gaming could make me feel lighter and now with the stories and chronic pain, there is even more reason to switch off and chill out.

If I can find a racing game with beautiful scenery where I don't have to constantly tap the screen, as in it auto steers and it has bends and you can play it offline in 1 to 1 races..

Plus has freebies and teams and it doesn't take years to advance, then I would be a happy bunny.

I've tried CSR 2, too hard to get anywhere without cash, Asphalt 8 wouldn't even open pfft.

Horizon Chase was a money pit and Mario Kart Tour had appalling steering and these are supposed to be highly rated recommendations.. 

Not in opinion they're not. If I find something suitable I'll let you know. Oof it's nearly 12pm, where did the time vanish??

#BlogLife362 - Body rebellion

I've been getting about 5ish hours of broken sleep lately and today my body was protesting.

If it's not the noisy inconsiderate neighbours rowsing me it's traffic but this morning as I reluctantly opened my eyes at 8am after drifting off at maybe 2/3amish..

I thought No I'm not going to get up and walk around sleepily. I'll see if I can get a few hours in and I did thankfully.

My eyes still continue to irritate me. My lenses have been deep cleaned but my eyes keep watering, maybe it's the lack of sleep?

I have a maintenance appointment tomorrow and I'm dreading it. I just got used to the last regular guy visiting and now there is a new company full of strangers.

I don't know if it will be a bunch of males coming or just one but some of them have creeped me out in the past and there's nowhere to hide in my own home so I just hope it will be quick.

Although I am still miffed about last year. He did the check gave me the all clear and then a few days later it broke down.

What is it even the point? If you can't do your job properly and assume everything is working efficiently because it has in the past??

Maybe that's why they got replaced..... Too damn complacent when it's a big deal. A working boiler providing heat and hot water...

That was definitely a depressing time for me, well for anyone. Going to bed shivering and then waking up and washing your hands with freezing water...

Some of them are pretty rude also, It's a people job, you're required to interact with others, it's not difficult to exchange some pleasantries. Yeesh!

They want me to text a confirmation or reschedule but don't mention how much that will cost. 

Pfft I'm not doing that again. I think one time I was charged £1.50.

Some companies are so crafty about hidden costs. I never assume it is free to reply anymore.

#BlogLife361 - Chatty chicks watching flicks 3

Am I getting to be an expert in holding back the tears? Maybe as this is the second time I've been able to do it and I could feel it wanted to burst out after the ordeal with the stairs.

I've just finished a late lunch/early dinner as it's 4pmish and I couldn't face food prior as I was feeling sicky as usual.

Yeesh it's like having pms/pmt 24-7. Anyway this this time I remembered to get a drink, the body craved fizzy so fanta is was.

The original. I prefer that and some sandwiches, pasta, berries and sticky toffee pudding but I don't fancy the desserts so they are up for grabs on the table over there..

I know that I have to get up, take the bin out and put the rest of the food in the fridge but I can't face it yet.

Laying sprawled out feels too good. I did have a breakthrough yesterday for the story I'm working on, I want these to be my own creations not the same as everyone else's.

I just have to type it up. I'm halfway through The Mirror Has Two Faces with Barbra Streisand and it's such a great film for comedy and romance.

Gentle, old fashioned type, which is why I've seen it a million times and haven't got bored of it.

There is a bit of bad language which was unnecessary but meh, it happens.

I've just sorta realised that for somebody that didn't wanna be judged on her own looks and wanted someone to see her truth she herself was shallow.

She had a decent guy pursuing her but kept standing him up instead of giving him one chance and then deciding, well I've made a decision based on our date..

Jeff Bridges is better looking but then he got caught on the superficiality of looks until he realised that they weren't his type intellectually.

He wrongfully guessed that he couldn't have romance and attraction but one or the other.

The problem was Rose was already deeply attracted to him and frustrated he wasn't physically attentive, just emotionally.

Then queue the misunderstandings that resulted afterwards..I I think he was pleased with her looks though, it just didn't overpower him, at first.

As they got closer and shared their common interests, it developed slowly and he fought it all the way, quite insultingly to any woman.

The fact that she had to ask for sex, still makes me choke with laughter!!

Men are visual creatures, wear something figure hugging, lean over them, look adoringly at them, bite your lip, flick your hear, stroke your neck, damn woman, seduce him lol.

I mean, could you do that? Pretend you were a spinster and gave up on all hope of finding someone.

Your confidence was knocked. You didn't feel desirable but you knew inside you had brains and substance, humour and were good company, men just couldn't see it.

Someone out of the blue, comes along and says let's have a sexless marriage but aside from the physical, we'll talk properly, we'll date, we'll build a life together....

We'll commit. What would you do?? Would you be tempted??

I don't know how I'd feel, my initial reaction would be a refusal. 

No hugs, no kisses, no snuggling??!! The big thing is that they aren't attracted to me, that would cut my ego to shreds.

I would feel like a stand in, until he strayed and found someone he actually did fancy.

But on the other hand, you'd have a friend by your side, sharing your struggles and good news.

Supporting you, celebrating with you and sharing giggles.

"I don't care if you are pretty, I love you anyway!"

Kinda makes you laugh and cry at the same time but I love that quote from the movie.

#BlogLife360 - Lost at the bottom of the stairs

First the bus doesn't stop even though I stuck my hand out and then more unfolded..

Have you got any idea how it feels to look down a flight of stairs knowing you feel dizzy and can plummet at any time and noone gives a damn??

My vision was blurring, my body was seizing up. The panic was setting in and I thought if I trip or fall, there's nothing I can do about it.

I held onto the railing for dear life and shuffled up and down lil by lil.

I felt physically sick and the room was spinning. I made it this time but the thought of doing it again is terrifying.

I hope the lift is fixed because explaining to someone that you can't do stairs and them staring back at you blankly like....

Who does this Princess think she is???? Is beyond infuriating.

I'm not being a bloody drama Queen, there is a good chance of me missing a step as I can't even see the bloody ground beneath me.

Do you ever feel lost or off-balance? You're supposed to be doing something but it's just not happening..

Every time I load up the blog or the books, it feels so flat and uninteresting. I lose the motivation to write but I want too.

I just need to cast aside the self doubts and inner criticisms.

Is it better to be seen as a disabled person or is it more acceptable to blend in?

Sometimes I want someone to sodding care about the danger!!!

(Preferably before I collapse)!

#BlogLife359 - Food for thought

I'm in a snacky mood, rather than a meal mood so I stocked up on a few goodies. 

Years ago I tried something called.. (I'll have to google it). Ahh it was Kerry's Low Low snack pack.

It was a bits of cheese, mini dried toast and some chutney. I had low expectations but it was actually delicious for a healthy nibble.

It seemed to disappear as do most things I suddenly crave but now I have just tried Maretti sour cream and bruschette chips and they taste very similar.

Crunchy and lightly flavoured and salted which is definitely a novelty. Normally they douse half a bag of sodium inside.

They looked more like mini crackers but I was pleasantly surprised and at £1 I was happy to try it.

There isn't a dip included or any cheese but I will upload the packet, unless I finish them and bin it.

I also bought some sweet and salty popcorn thinking it would be a tiny tub but it's huge.

That has to wait until I can find a good tv series or movie to get into.

Next week will be busy with an appointment and a boiler maintenance appointment.

Brr I still recall last December when the boiler broke. Wait was it January? It took ages to fix.

Sometimes I wonder what the point of these check ups are when they miss something glaringly obvious and then I have to phone the repair guys to fix it.

#BlogLife358 - Brain says No..!

Monday was a UK Bank Holiday and I feel I should have taken that day to give my brain a rest and not blog but I always feel guilty. 

The followers want continuity I'm guessing so truthfully even though I don't feel like it, I proceed.

I'm not always happy with the results but it's better than nothing right?

Sometimes I read old posts, correct them and feel proud of what I discussed that day and other times, it's just filler.

They can't all be deep and meaningful especially on a daily basis, sorry I can't do that.

If that was the preference, instead of daily uploads it would be weekly.

I think I'd hate that personally. I would miss sharing a part of my day with you.

Sometimes it's repetitive and not the most fascinating read but it's honest.

I don't feel lonely as such but I do miss having an ongoing random about.

The problem to get to that point I have to visit those chatrooms and presently..

I can't be bothered. Half of them don't even listen to the tedious questions they drill me with.

Zzzzz.. The switch to the types that are embarrassed to be there and criticising people, left and right without bothering to get to know them.

Pfft as if you're some beefcake purleaseeee! I've forced myself to have an early night.

My brain was saying blog or I won't let you enjoy your downtime but I know I'm not tired so it's going to be a party music night.

There's a lil stress, lil unmotivation and I just would much rather sleep in the day, than at night.

I just can't close my eyes tonight and certainly not at 11.50pm. It's premature.

I couldn't even settle on something to watch. It's that time where I feel split into different directions so anything I do, feels wrong.

Plus my lenses are really bothering me even though I have deep cleaned them, use eye drops and protein tablets repeatedly.

I feel like the grit is cutting my eyes up when I rub them so they feel delicate and watery at the moment.

The interesting thing that I spotted, that I will have to get for myself is the gel eye mask has been upgraded.

I've never before seen it with cut out eye holes. I think that's brilliant for the daytime when you have a million things to do.

#BlogLife357 - Premature aging

My stomach is really unsettled today, it's been good and then as I was getting ready to hit the market, it just started flip flopping and I thought for the thousandth time, I really should have hard candy to suck on until it passes.

I just don't want it to melt as it's a waste of money eating a sweet with the wrapper fused to it.

Ooh my food just arrived. I'm gonna watch My Big Fat Fab Life and munch.

I bought a hotdog, fries and some chicken strips with lemon herb coating. When I do hotdogs at home, I never ever did the fried onions thing.

At first I wasn't super keen, maybe because there is a sweetness to them but when I order it, I don't mind if they are on top. I still don't cook them at home though.

I've never tried the chicken strips before, they're not bad. The fries are always crispy and lightly salted which is my preference.

I am stuffed now and the nausea has finally passed. I'm drinking my usual icy vimto with orange blended at the moment.

Oh yea I forgot the orange juice helps with pmt/pms symptoms. My last period I think was June so if I don't come soon, that will be the longest time ever.

3 whole months. I think skipping 2 months was a milestone prior to this. I've never been straightforward.

Pmt signs without a period is still rough though. It's not as intense or long lasting thankfully.

I wonder if cutting out lamb and adding more vegan meals helped?

Talking of food, I did hit my international store and picked up the proper olive crackers, puffy crisps, unsalted cashews ( I don't know why they load the regular with excess salt, ick nasty).

I did fancy some cookies but nothing really appealed. I wasn't craving chocolate and that was all that was basically there.

The takeout place didn't offer desserts so I'll just make do with savoury goodies.

Ooh finally my slippers in my size were in stock. I think it's a dark blue, man-nish type but they are smartest and cosiest so I'm not bothered.

If I'm wearing men's socks, might as well wear their slippers too. Ha!!

I just really feel like an old person, scrambling to get a seat and rest up. The pains hitting me intensely.

The lack of energy to do anything. It took me a few days to open up a tub of food because I just couldn't manage it and felt like I was splitting my nails in two and bruising myself.

I am consciously trying to workout more but this latest wave of exhaustion is making it difficult.

I will persevere though.

#BlogLife356 - A faceful of spice

It's that time again, reviewing yet another face wash. My other one just finished and now I have moved on to Ayumi sandalwood and ylang ylang.

I can't recall what the price was, I'll have to look it up. Oh okay it was £2 which is pretty decent and the size is 150ml.

That is the typical size I go for and lasts roughly a month. I just tried it with and without the face brush.

The first time it didn't foam and seem to just disappear into the bristles which was annoying.

It's clear, thick and gloopy. I prefer when it's in a fun shade, just looks prettier to use.

My forehead, chin and sides of my nose has some dry patches so it didn't absorb all over my face that well.

My cheeks do feel quite soft and my skin is glowing. It did wash off properly but if you don't mix it with water and apply it straight, it does take some time to remove it.

The fragrance smells like a slightly sweetened spice. It's not overpowering or that unpleasant but I can't say it's the best either.

It's more mild and lingers ever so slightly. I would have thought they would have added a pinch of sandalwood and then have the majority ylang ylang as I can't smell the latter at all.

It would have been better to have a sweet scent. It's not a dealbreaker yet.

I'll have to see if it performs better over time. I've found that it didn't foam up in the beginning but later on do for some strange reason.

I did soak the brush head and applied a liberal amount. I'm just not sure why it didn't mix well.

I really didn't feel like wasting a whole load of product either, that's why when the brush was dry, I just applied it directly to my face.

On my second round with the face brush it eventually lathered and I didn't spin it for too long.

After touching my face, it all coated that much better and there was only 1 lil dry patch on my cheek.

My skin doesn't feel heavy or stripped, just moisturised and even in the morning, it felt smooth.

I'm not really sure if I would buy it again. It struggles to much to hydrate my whole face and I prefer something sweet smelling.

#BlogLife355 - Happy weekend frolicking

I don't really know what to talk about. I could cheat and link to a classic post which I might do on the weekends as I have people looking to see if I've published something new..

I haven't had my pedicure yet, maybe it will be a next month event. I did give myself a manicure as my nails were chipping. 

I have a few cramps but that's mild and at least it doesn't come with any nausea.

I have come up with a new story idea, usually I have the start and ending figured out but when it comes to the middle, I am stumped.

Lots of thoughts come and and not many come to fruition or are enough to get me excited into developing it further.

It's only when it starts to play out like a movie and there's a basis for strong characters and something worth developing do I proceed with it.

That seems to be my weak points, concluding the story, probably needs more concentration and effort.

Plus I feel guilty about the 2 unfinished stories on here and the one on wattpad. I have gone back to some lunchtime naps but I still feel drained.

When it comes to 6am onwards, I think there is just shallow sleep where I am half awake and half comatose. It's just not feeling like I am well rested.

I'm not sure what's going on with Iceland's delivery slots, there is only 1 available per day now. At least I got one for tomorrow.

I think I'm gonna leave my hair for it to grow a bit. It's really bugging me to have it loose and not stay in a ponytail. 

I'm also not sure why it flicks out the ends now, it never did that before. I'm just not going to equalise it, let it stay uneven and kinda messy.

Oh and my elbows are better than they were but still slightly cracked. I'm not going to re-purchase the Aveeno, seems too thin and watery with minimal hydration.

I'm also holding back from shopping, there are a few items I need to get but I feel like saving and being cautious for the next crisis that comes my way.

Laptops don't last and I wonder when this chromebook will end up giving me problems?

#BlogLife354 - Mindy - She was a project

I was debating whether to talk about this or not but while I am searching for something new to watch. I might as well go with the classic Mindy Project.

At least I know I enjoy that, well the first couple of seasons anyway and the original cast aside from Beverly. Sorry I never got the appeal of her.

Nor was I that keen on the additions of Tamra, Brendan, Jody, Collette or Duncan.

Betsy, Gwen, Shulman and Shauna were enough for me. Peter eventually grew on me. I also loved Danny's mama, hilarious.

If the rumours were true and there were budget cuts but then no budget worries suddenly, why couldn't they have returned?

Maybe they didn't want too. A diminishing role isn't fun when other places give you more.

Anyway I was just thinking that she really was naturally beautiful before all the "enhancements" were done.

It's a shame actors and actresses are so insecure that they let advisors get into their head and have surgery essentially making them look bad, when they were perfectly stunning beforehand.

It seems like Danny always had a thing for Mindy right at the start but the other side of it was, he was highly competitive and genuinely delighted in her misfortune.

I hated Josh even before he cheated. You could tell he screamed of insecurities.

He always had to mention money, which was intended to impress but is offputting.

Plus a man saying, he'll take some other girl out, if you don't see him that night, is controlling and manipulative. Ick warning.

But she was so desperate to have any guy in her life, especially a fair skinned one that she ignored these glaring signs to avoid him.

If it were me, I'd be like.......Take her instead, I have much better things to do, like dating someone mature, that isn't into games and can actually commit.

It was about season 3/4 where I began to dislike her character.  Trying to trap Danny into marriage, when she knew he wanted different things from her.

Aka a stepford wife, to cook, clean and produce endless children.. Just felt like she lost her balls!

Towards the endish of the Mindy/Danny saga, when they knew he was leaving and totally wanted to vilify him to cushion the blow.

I couldn't get over how much of a manipulator he turned into and she just turned from sassy to this meek woman. Ugh it was hard to watch because even though Danny's character turned evil I couldn't quite hate him.

I disliked him but when he left, the episodes just could not feel complete without his presence.

I was so relieved when he returned. It gave us all closure.

One last thing before I go. When she started casually hooking up with Brendan, did you notice something?

Their first "date" he didn't dress up at all. He was in casual sweats, where she did the full makeup, hair and a pretty dress.

That happened to me so much throughout my history. Guys could not be bothered to make even the smallest effort.

I mean damn, put on a shirt, doesn't have to be the fanciest of trousers but could you at least look as though you put some thought into how you present yourself??

Impress me a lil yeesh!! If the second date was the same. I walked out in no makeup and smart casual dress too.

They were always shocked....Like umm, what happened to the dresses, the makeup, the hair....

I always said the same thing, if you don't look good for me, I won't either, especially when you're not wining and dining me either!

#BlogLife353 - The price of manners

Despite the nausea this morning, I was in fairly good spirits. My hair managed to fit in 2 ponytails and looked presentable and that is the longest part of getting ready.

Aside from stopping every few seconds in case I need to grab the bin and vomit.

Also it's starting to feel colder and I love winter, rain, storms. It feels cosier and it is so much easier to nap.

For the first time in months I put the heated furry blankie on and fell asleep instantly, sheer bliss.

I always wake up boiling for a second but I don't mind, I was having a few aches and pains in my shoulder and when I woke up.. Well even now I feel loosey goosey.

The heat evenly applied all over my body is indeed a blessing for my overworked muscles.

I had a chicken and avocado sandwich, that or the egg and avocado are my favourites. It just blends well together.

I also nibbled on a few pieces of fruit, grapes and melons. I'm not sure if there is anything else but that's what I typically go for..

Aww I should have checked for the berries but stock levels seem to be low. Perhaps they haven't refilled the shelves yet.

That's pretty much all I could manage. Oh aside from a few bites of tomato based pasta.

My stomach couldn't take much. I was just drinking a lot of icy vimto to settle my tum.

As I wasn't in a hurry, I usually let people exit the bus ahead of me, as I don't mind sitting a few seconds longer.

This woman though just got angry that I refused to go. It's making me laugh now but why couldn't she have just smiled and said thanks? Yeesh.

She mumbled something about having a trolley and I thought so what, just move but it was the fact she was slightly raising her voice which irritated me.

How would you handle that? Do you get mad? Do you laugh it off?

I think if they are indifferent, when I try to be accommodating, it doesn't bother me as much but if they are rude, that affects my good attitude and it gets me slightly miffed.

Either way, it won't stop me doing lil niceties every so often. I'm no saint but it's important to just be civil and do what you can at times.

You never know, someone could be so frazzled and at their breaking point and you come along and just let them go ahead, or smile or just offer them a sweet/mint and it brightens their day.

Regarding the randoms, P texted after a few days and really can't decipher my humour. That is just getting old, really fast. I'm not sure whether to respond or not..

I bumped into Mr X and he was all friendly but I blanked him. I could have easily said Hi but I feel like I settle for the wrong type of acquaintance.

They always tend to make me feel bad that I'm not serious or clear or as dull as they are.

I like to have fun with conversations and let my mind wander. I cannot be stuck in tedious interview mode Zzzz.

I can't converse with someone that ruins my playful carefree mood.

Life is hard and some of these guys are fixated on giving me therapy ffs. Leave me be. I'm happy as I am.

Move on to someone as insecure or as unfunny as you are. I can't stand when they assume instead of asking why I choose to be single.

Am I nursing heartbreak? No I'm not. I am just tired of being disrespected, assaulted and verbally abused.

That is it. I've never been in love, never been seriously committed and having someone add stress and judgements on my life, is not appealing.

Sure I can take a break and have a laugh or be flirty. I'll let them see that side but you know what the other 99% is?

Me crying or exhausted or riddled with pain that is so bad that I shut down.

I'm also bursting awake from nightmares that haunt me and I'm dying to go back to sleep but I can't because I'm trying to find the strength to not be afraid, to just function in the world.

And they think I should be grateful for the attention and perky 24-7 or flirty. No it doesn't happen like that. Pffft.

There are times when I want to be a regular sick person and say, today is sooo rough.

I can't keep my eyes open and I'm shivering and of course they always say..... Why so tired?

Way back when I was still talking to MD he said that I should be on medications to preserve my life longer.

That eventually my organs might deteriorate and shave some years off and he was kinda insistent about it, which is icky.

It's my life and I strongly told him the truth which was even if I was diagnosed officially..

I still wouldn't take it. It's tiring bearing myself up and it's getting more difficult as the years go on.

I don't want to live any longer than I have too. That's my truth. You may not agree and maybe you handle your situation like a champion.

Good for you, I don't begrudge you that but this is how I feel and it is so freeing to admit it.

#BlogLife352 - Taste or tasteless?

I finally sampled the Balconi cake and it does taste more on the dark chocolate side. It doesn't bother me though as there is no bitter aftertaste and it's still delicious.

I do not taste apricot filling at all. It's just chocolatey sweetness. There is nothing fruity about it so it was probably just a drizzle of fruit or the chocolate and possibly alcohol is overpowering it.

I really wish they had done individual wrapper sizes. It's awkward chopping it up and I want it too last a while.

You're probably wondering why would I purchase something I might hate?

When it comes to foodie items, there can be genuine surprises so I feel a bit more adventurous taking the chance to try it and hope for the best.

As for wafers in general, I wouldn't go out of my way to get it but it does pair well with chocolate and ice cream.

I just got creative after realising, I'm plum out of vimto and stuck with sugar free orange juice which is tasteless.

I added the cola and raspberry ice poles to it and dang it tastes really good now.

It's only until the weekend where I shall do another food shop.

#BlogLife351 - Stop! Badger time!!

Didn't you just love that song? MC Hammer's Stop hammer time. I just wonder why we as women are badgered constantly.

As if the answer we gave is just not applicable to some of the male brains.

Why don't they accept it and move on, as we do? If I asked some guy for his email address and he claimed not to have one, in this day and age, I would laugh and say okay.

I know that he is lying but just doesn't want to say, actually I prefer not to hand it out, which would gain more respect but I wouldn't latch onto him and say....

Oh come on, it's just an address, a method of contact, change your mind and give in....That eventually gets annoying really fast.

I wouldn't even take it personally that he didn't want to hand it over. I would just shrug and think, you don't ask, you don't get.

Why do males think we are so wishy washy that after the 4th time of demanding their preferred response, we'll automatically relent and volunteer our secrets or preferences??

What makes me laugh is that we are expected to stay chill and even tempered after being hassled throughout the night but the only way, they actually quit if is we shout and forcefully tell them to knock it off.

Why does it have to get that to point? Where I am that agitated, it ruins a relaxing atmosphere and turns it frosty.

Recently it was because I didn't want to meet some random because he wanted a fling or at least something just physical.

I much prefer stating I don't do meets, rather than. If I am completely transparent, here is my private thoughts...

I would possibly consider meeting up in person, if there was some genuine emotional connection and it was steady for a few months.

I'm not saying I would definitely do it but I think it would cross my mind at some point.

He would have to be local, not in my town, but area certainly, as I can't travel far and it isn't fair to keep making him come to me. 

He would have to be single, no complicated entanglements. No kids, no separation, no crazy or chummy exes, ickity.

He would have to be a good listener and understand that I have severe limitations and that's going to affect mingling because of my exhaustion also.

Of course a voice that I find soothing so I can tell him about my day and he can unfrazzle me, which means he has to be a talker, less of a texter as I get more enjoyment from that.

Someone that makes me laugh, instead of me being the entertainer for the majority of the time.

Someone partially open that can divulge the basics and in time the rest.

Just an honest male. This is the type of guy that would appeal but I don't think he exists because people keep claiming the above but invariably fall short!!

#BlogLife350 - Deja Boo

Afternoony readers!!

I hope you're all at peace. Even though I had pre-written posts, I can never publish until I've cleared my mind and created something new, especially when it's bubbling.

I'm sorry again for the tardiness but I just couldn't keep my eyes open. I had very very very late night.

I probably didn't end up sleeping until 4ish and then I was up at 8ish in a shallow daze.

I had to go through the motions of waking up and then I was texting and munching but from lunchtime I crashed out and now feel human again.

I'm going through that strange feeling of deja vu, except it feels different and the same which is confusing me, let alone you.

P let's call him, had the same unique job as someone I had talked too a while back but I don't recall anything else and the number is different.

He doesn't recognise me at all, which is usually the other way around, they retain details and I'm clueless and nothing sticks in my mind.

I honestly don't know if it's the same person and I don't want to ask. I want to see how it unfolds.

My thing is to block numbers after it fizzles out to keep things tidy. I hate when someone texts a year later and doesn't introduce themselves ickity!!

The new one is a somewhat clone of me. He talks like me, uses my phrases, makes up lil stories/scenarios.

Has my weird humour. It's strange but amusing at the same time. I don't have a crush on him but he's interesting to converse with.

The voice is pleasant but not deep. I don't know if he'll last as he seems a lil insecure and I don't want to be propping up someone's ego when asked too..

He's also a writer and I guess he somewhat reminds me of MD. I think that's why I'm cautious.

MD reeled me in and seemed genuine and then lies unfolded and the games began.

Although I did speak to the 39yr old at home and I did hear a woman's voice which I quickly enquired about and it was..

Alexa lol, the voice assistant attached to the speaker products I think.

#BlogLife349 - The guilt of eating

I really struggle to eat sometimes but usually I will push myself to maintain the meal times routine.

I don't want to binge or skip meals. I just want to be normal and consume at the right times.

At certain moments when I see an abundance of food, it just puts me off and I lose my hunger pangs.

I just think, should I be eating this or at all? Should I go back to starving myself?

There is/was/is a lot of whispers. Voices and people's opinions that I've always had to contend with.

DIsgusted looks for having any sort of appetite and being made to feel ashamed and disgusting for feeling peckish or craving food and nourishment.

That is pretty much the way I was treated by family, friends, boyfriends and people around me.

It was hardly like ooh, let's all savour this and be happy about it. It was more like...... Do you really need that?

Don't you think you've had enough? You're starting to get chunky again.

How can you be hungry at this hour? I found it so damaging and there was so lil control in my life that choosing not to eat was some sort of freedom probably.

I started doing it at school, instead of partaking of lunch, I would aimlessly walk around and burn calories.

I don't know if I did it on purpose or not but I distanced myself from people.

The more I did it, the easier it became but sometimes I genuinely was famished so I would eat and then weigh myself and feel angry I had no discipline as the weight shot up a lot when I resumed.

I find that a mild schedule helps. I cannot be rigid. 9am breakfast, 1pm lunch, that doesn't work for me at all.

I feel hungry and sleepy at different times so I do try to listen to my body saying.. Umm coooeee I would appreciate a meal now, thanks.

I also fluctuate with drinking enough. I can go half the day and not have a single drink or just one and that sustains me but nowadays I coax myself to have more fluids and stay hydrated.

It's the mindset that gets to me. Food isn't bad. A lot of the times it's delicious and I attempt to remind myself that I'm enjoying this feast as it's one of my favourites.

That is a good thing. It's healthy to consume something and relish eating it.

Over the years I have definitely had to re-train my brain because it's still a struggle to eat in front of people and not feel self conscious as though I don't deserve food.

I have also gone the other route with binging on chocolate, sugary snacks and general food. I didn't purge but I didn't feel reckless and unhappy in general.

I would viciously cut out foods, calories, sugar, carbs, whatever ridiculous fad that I made my own because when I didn't eat I was flat but starving but when I did munch, I was bloated or had a huge tum tum.

It took me so long to realise that the only way for me to be skinny was to not eat at all.

It sounds so dumb but I would exercise all day and at night just to try and keep a trim figure that I could never maintain with eating.

I'm not built that way. However when I ditched the bmi (body mass index) indicator that said I should weigh hmmm..

I've forgotten, it was either 7, 8 or 9 stones which was impossible for me to keep up and live.

I think 10 and a half was the most normal to me, that I kept for the longest time. I was able to eat and exercise and it chopped and changed minimally.

Alright let's say it was 10 and a half to 11 stones. I think my size was 12/14/16. 

It always depended where I shopped. It was crazy but I thought to be accepted I just had to give up all food.

Obviously it didn't work like that because people found other faults.

I wasn't as smart or talented as them. I wasn't popular. I wasn't pursued by a million guys and didn't have any successes with dating.

My hair wasn't edgy. My nails were too short. Good grief the list goes on and when I was that age, pre-teen to teen I did care.

I thought I have to conform and change myself to be one of those clones however lil by lil my individuality was trying to break out.

It was contradicting everything I had believed which was, they are right and I am wrong.

It was saying, it's more than fine to be different, it's a unique way to express yourself from the sheep.

You don't have to like what they like. Contrary to popular opinion, you don't have to strive to be skinny.

Presently this is where I get muddled as a big girl/woman, I love the cleavage, the curves, the non-dieting if I'm frank.

However I also hate the abundance of me. Half of me wants to be a few stone lighter and the rest says I should accept being shapely.

What I do know is that I don't want to punish myself anymore. It's important to be healthy so what I wish to put more effort into is working out.

I miss the morning dance party workouts actually, that was pretty fun, blasting the music and singing tunelessly while I was doing beauty treatments or making breakfast/lunch.

I also used to do night time stomach exercises which over time produced significant results.

As for the sugar/cakes, if I ban them, I'll binge so I will alternate between healthy and unhealthy.

For example I had the super sugary milkshake lollies and then I switched to sugar free ice poles which were a culture shock but still refreshing.

#BlogLife348 - Heavy handed beauty

I feel like I have just done the last of my beauty treatments, although I do have to epilate my legs still and probably pluck the brows a bit more also.

Plus if I am completely honestly, take care of my fuzzy top lip but that's just between you an moi and no-one else. Shhh.

Friday while I was enjoying a gentle massage with the trusty face brush, I overdid it and it ended up dripping into my eyes.

I thought I had caught it all but nope, the stinging burning bloodshot eyes told a different story, ouchy ouch ouch.

I flushed my eyes with water and then doused them in eye drops but it took a few hours for them to stop watering and hurting.

I'm happy to say they look and feel normal again but it was made that much worse by wearing lenses that I couldn't take out, otherwise I wouldn't be able to see or read.

I ended up keeping them in and wincing but at least I could function.

Oh by the way my ears have healed up, no more swelling or rashes. If I had aloe vera  I would have applied it. 

I just left them alone and tried to keep it as clean as possible. It's not easy when it's extra itchy.

Even though I recently trimmed my hair, I thought I would level it up today.

It felt satisfying cutting a further inch and a half/two off and by the time I did the whole area..

It was the shortest I've ever had it. Above my neckline. I didn't want it that high up but my hair grows fairly quickly and I can always clip it up and curl it.

I'm not too fussed. It felt really healthy snipping those ends off. It's just a shame it barely fits into a ponytail now.

I'll have to get creative with it, forcing me to spend more time, I guess that isn't a bad thing.

Lastly I gave myself a pedicure as I'm having a professional one done with an eyebrow shape.

I just wanted to look semi presentable. At least after my crazy cuts, I don't feel sad about wasting the money on a terrible cut and I feel more confident that it has bounce and texture, plus finesse.

I loved the shampooing scalp massage but after every cut they put tons of oil into my hair so it laid flat and stuck to my face.

You would think they would gaige it, to the person's hair needs but no they doused my hair every time and made it look soo thin and boring.

When I'm at home and I'm fixing my hair, I tend to shake it and that gives it instant lift.

As much as I hated the decision to go short as it was see through and stringy, I'm realising I can play about with it more, when it was longer, it didn't really do anything.

As strange as it is with my chubby round face.. I genuinely think my hair looks better now. 

It feels lighter and I look more fashionable. I always felt like I was missing out on an edgier cut.

I've tried so many incompetent rude stylists before. You'd think not having the skills to please their customers would make them humble but noooope, false promises all the way.

Yep yep I can make you look like that picture. Me naively believing it and afterwards....

It looks not even a fraction alike. Useless!! There was enough hair to play with.

I guess I worry less because it's already thinning, my scalp is visible and  most of the family is the same way.

All I can do is try to keep it in my own chic unique style and remind myself that if you look at glamorous models, you can plainly see their scalp and thinning hair too.

The difference with them is volumisers and back combing and hair pieces, which is not my thing at all.

I want to be natural and work with the lil hair I have and make it jazzy and cute.

It always bugged me that hairdressers were quick to incessantly harp on that my hair wasn't thick, yet they did nothing at all to give it any body so instead of feeling perky when I left, I felt worse each time.

Going to them just mean't cutting my dead hair. I couldn't seem to do it myself so I relied on them until I christened myself a stylist and suddenly enjoyed getting it trimmed.

#BlogLife347 - Wake me when you get here..

I just got home from town and am resting up. I'm so glad it was all open again. I didn't have to do any trekking today which was great as I have no zest to do it.

I was going to pop into my favourite store and get the olive crackers but actually I didn't fancy it so instead tried a different version of the Balconi mini cakes.

This was one looks more dark chocolate (honestly I can't tell if it's milk or dark) with apricot jam and priced at £2. I'm 50/50 on whether I will like it or not but I fancied something newish.

There were absolutely none of those alcoholic cake bundles about, I wonder if they are seasonal..

I also thought I would try what seems like a knock off a Ferrero Kinder snack.

The brand is Happy Time and it says hazelnut. It looks like a chocolate wafer with a cream filling, please don't be white chocolate.....Ickity.

I'll try and add some pics on twitter. This is a picture free blog as they probably are not the greatest quality and I don't want to spend ages on placement and have it slowing down loading times.

I'll stick them in the fridge as I have no appetite for them. Fighting slight nausea as usual.

My Gregg's order should be here soon. Then perhaps a snooze..

I'm still getting used to the short hairdo. It actually good from the back as though I curled it upwards, the front just looks like a hot mess though haha.

Hence why I always have to clip it up. This time I left two strands out at the sides to soften it a bit. I think I pulled it off.

Alright as I was trying to take some clear pics. I'm sorry I have really bad eyes, I can't tell good from poor, honestly.

The chocolate was melting. It smelled so delicious I had to sample a bit.

Ok the hazelnut Happy Time bars, which I didn't even know if they were cakes or solid bars are amazing.

I don't even like wafers but ever since I tried a Ferrero I was hooked. Inside contrary to the picture was milk chocolate... and it was brown not white.

I'm relieved but it's misleading for other people that adore white chocolate. At £1.29 I'll compare it to Iceland Bueno milk and hazelnuts which is £1.50 for 3 bars.

My one you get 5 bars which seems better I've never tried the Kinder version but I highly recommend the knock off.

The balconi cakes reek sensationally of alcohol, honestly I am not sure if they contain it, these things are in mixed languages and I struggle to read the packet.

I'm really surprised they are not individually wrapped like the others. It's just one lump, which is disappointing.

I find when it's a single packet, I can just take that or another and be satisfied, when it's a whole bunch I am less restrained.

As I just uploaded the Gregg's pizza slice, it was £2.50 for quite a generous size, I thought I would mention it here.

I didn't expect to like it to be honest. Pizza places are for pizza. However it was seasoned, fresh, not burnt and just a joy to sample.

It wasn't really crunchy but nor was it soggy. I like it in the middle.

I am not into too much spice so I picked off the jalepenos it still leaves behind a tiny kick, which is bearable.

I'm just gutted that I don't have much of an appetite and it's 12.30pmish.

I was up at 7amish, you would think I would be famished. I had a fruitella juicy chew but honestly that made me more nauseated, not less.

Then I tried the hazelnut bar and had one bite of the pizza and I just can't face anything else.

I'm probably bloated. It goes in phases, monster appetite, no appetite and then chocolate cravings ha!!

At least I have munchies when I don't feel like a meal.

#BlogLife346 - Yo chef?!

 When I used to shop at Tesco during Christmas they had speciality party food platters and those were always interesting.

It seemed to be only this time that chicken lovers were catered for, otherwise it was standard, pork, prawn or veggy stuff.

I spotted a turkey sausage roll once which was actually amazing considering I hate turkey.

But my favourites grew to be these chicken dumplings, pyramids and spring rolls with a delicious soy sauce dip accompanying them.

Now that I've switched over to Iceland as they actually deliver my groceries, I've spotted Yo Sushi branded products on offer.

I've never seen them before and not tried them. As with tesco, these are pre-cooked and then frozen.

I normally cook them a bit, rather than just heating up. I'll see if 6 minutes on high is enough.

The instructions were really hard to read, bright yellow pretty packaging and white font, do not mix.

The gyoza dumplings had about 12 for £3.50 and the chicken bao buns had about 8 for £3.50 but there was a 3 for £10 offer so I picked up some wings too.

I've never before tried the buns and there isn't any dip included sadly but there is way more than I thought included, it is better value for money.

I also don't know if it's chicken and vegetable all in one or some are veggy and some are chicken.

It really isn't clear at all!! They look done after 6 minutes but I did them an extra minute or so just in case.

They smell delicious and are boiling hot so I can't eat them for a few minutes. I just wanted a snack as I'm not too hungry.

I expected to hate the buns but they are really good, everything is a bit salty but I recommend the buns.

The gyoza tastes all veggy with the tiniest hint of chicken which I expected to be the other way around and it isn't seasoned nicely.

They are okay but I wouldn't buy them again. It's just not good enough.

The buns had a slight flavour of bbq sauce which was all it needed and were enjoyable. I think they were just chicken, without any veggies, which I was relieved about.

I also tried the juicy chews which were no different to the regular Fruitella sweets, they just seemed a bit bigger and tougher to chew.