#BlogLife128 - I don't want to eat, I want to disappear

I can't wrestle my demons and control them and I keep letting the day wear on without eating or drinking anything until suddenly it is the middle of the afternoon.

Each hour that passes, I think of food/drink less and less. I don't feel the pangs. It becomes easier to wipe out the need for it.

I get up and wander to the kitchen. I look in the fridge and freezer and I don't want to take anything out.

I do it out of routine, not out of any pleasure. I chew endlessly and I am not enjoying the flavours. I can't spit it out and yet I don't want to swallow it either.

I have to get my head right so I can pretend to be normal. I don't want to talk but I am floating around places, lingering.

I used to cook and throw it away or sometimes eat half and then dispose of the rest.

Don't ask me why. I keep waiting to feel better but there is unrest.

I mean sometimes I can vent it out of me and leave it all on the page and breathe a sigh of relief afterwards but I can't seem to do that.

I think I just needed to admit that because now that some time has passed I feel different. 

I am back to eating routinely and thoughts of going without have left me.

#BlogLife127 - I'm fighting a war within myself

I'm on chapter 12 of Lethal Curves Ahead. Man I love that title. Took me ages but it came to me, well with brainstorming as per usual.

I know that I want this to be different from Faithless Pursuit. Different characters and storylines. I am just watching this show with the cheesiest dialogue and it is awful.

I think I am in danger of repeating myself in the new book. I had a different vision for it but it feels like it is coming back to something but then again...

I'm so perplexed. In one way I really like it and I have jotted down some forward plots and ideas for it but I didn't want it to be racy.

Light flirting and soft romance, not pulse quickening behaviour. Grrr. Either I could scrap it and start over blindly or I could start to ease it back carefully.

Which is actually what I prefer. Maybe small bursts of passion, won't be so bad if it is delicately composed? I still will never add smut but slightly mature themes, yeah.

I figured out how to tweak it to my satisfaction and just hit publish as it was driving me nuts and it had been a while since I have finished one.

#BlogLife126 - Music alone makes me safe

I was watching random films last night and listening to jams and as time wore on. I thought my head is still in conflict.

I need some comfort, something to help me switch off. To feel at ease and be able to cope. Instead of playing the usual bedtime asmr..

I switched phones and pressed play to cycle through all the regular music but mostly loud party tunes. 

I was tired but I had to feel numb in order to rest. As these happy tunes surrounded me. I began to breathe again. 

My whole essence just changed. My mind turned blank and all the hurt dissipated. It was as though someone was giving me a big hug.. 

Saying.. You are going to be alright. I have you in my sights. I notice you. I'm going to take care of everything. 

Lean on me... Let go.. You are protected now. I won't let anyone or anything harm you. 

It took a couple of hours and this happens every once in a while. It just works for me. 

It saves me!

#BlogLife125 - Dear bully 4/The silent onlooker.. (fictionish) *Mature audiences only*

I put my hand up. Can I say something?

Who said you could look at me, let alone speak? Be quiet until I acknowledge your existence.

I really think I could help. I know things. Maybe you didn't realise th-

*Walks towards me* I cannot physically kill you but I wish you were dead. 

You are pointless and I will remind you every day that whatever you think and feel and realise will make you even more useless and imbecilic to not only me but everyone else and yourself.

*I fold my arms angrily* You're wrong! I have significance in this world and my contributions are worthwhile.

You probably didn't hear me so I will repeat myself. You possess no importance at all. 

When we are outside, stay away from me and do not let anyone know we are related in any shape or form.

*Applauds softly* Thank you, finally you said something we can agree on. 

I now despise you as much as you hate me. I would never wish you on anyone and hope you expire alone!

You are part of the reason for my fear of men and people. You made it so that I couldn't speak. 

Everything was internal. I looked but I didn't dare talk.

I wasn't allowed to discover life or who I was. I just had to curse myself for being born into this life of dread.

Don't speak

Don't smile

Don't be happy

Don't be sure of yourself

Don't engage

Don't let your guard down

Run away

Find safety

Find help

Resign yourself to being around atrocities

Keep trying to exit gracefully, it has to eventually work..... If the pills don't do it, the knife will. If that isn't successful, starvation will.

People try to make friends with me but I can't speak. I don't know how to communicate.

Part of me thinks that I wish you had murdered me, the way you annihilated my soul. I mean that would have been over and done with.

But instead each day was verbal torture. People kept asking if I was being abused at home but it wasn't physical, so that was acceptable?!

That's normal? Being verbally abused every day is routine, right? Is it something to shrug off and deal with? 

Except I couldn't. So here is my voice. Here are my actions and words and answers.

I wish you were permanently gone so I never have to hear your name again or that you had suffered the same fate you put me through. 

Hate doesn't begin to cover it all. You made my life full of danger.

You bashed in all my belief in myself.

You struck me psychologically with the words..... *SHUT UP* at every interval in which I attempted some form of expression.

You hunted me for sport and made me think I would be beaten up regularly.

You hammered in the same phrases. Your efforts are for nothing and I will turn everyone against you.

Outside you smiled, were well mannered and joked around. 

People always remarked, wow, what a wonderful person, you are so lucky to have him around.

He isn't here? Awww I miss him. How is he doing?

This is what I wanted to say. You are all gullible idiots who are falling for his act. 

Yet me, who is trying my best to fit and be one of you lot is outcast as intolerable.

The reason why?? I have zero conviction in myself. I can't share, I can't let you in and be normal. 

I can't be smiley and carefree because I live at home with destruction.

I loathe him and all of you for not seeing behind his mask of duplicity. You see what you want to see. Hear what you prefer too.

This is why I disappeared. If you can't tell the difference between fake and genuine and that I am the wholesome party, then you are as dead to me as he is.

Anything else is just gossip for everyone to laugh at. The rage and disgust I feel for you is limitless. 

My life was locking myself in my room and sobbing, that was it and wanting to not be here or anywhere.

Do you get it yet? Do you comprehend now why I have to be safe at all times? 

Why I can never give out my address? Why I could never again go back to being hounded like prey??

I have had enough emotional kicks and being stomped on. Yet it never goes away. 

It lives and breathes in my mind. That is what pernicious does, it lingers.....

It should fade but it just get's stronger because I was never seen, the real me was never sought out and loved. 

I continue to search for her...

#BlogLife124 - Confident? Yes I am/No I am not!

 Morning all :)

Words have just been circulating in my head for new posts but none of it made sense until just now. How can someone be both confident and insecure?

*Shrugs* Do you know? Are you that person? I know I am. There are just instances where I am totally out of my depth and just faking that I know what I am talking about.

Pseudo confidence or just winging it? Either is acceptable because I am trying to test out my knowledge and see if I can be comfortable in that area.

When it comes to people, talking to them, being around them, I am split. On one hand, with the volunteering I nail it most of the time.

I don't even have any experiences with what they are talking about but I know what to suggest. I know instinctively what to say, I feel it and I can just help them.

It still baffles me because I shouldn't know about any of it, not having first hand knowledge but somehow each chat I take it just bubbles in my brain and before I can fully grasp it, I am typing out some interesting options.

On the other hand in my personal life. I try to have these connections and I just fail miserably. Then it just becomes ever more difficult to pursue them.

It starts off okay and then I test the waters with some spanners and it falls apart. I'm not sure if it is me or them at this point.

Possibly both of us? What I do know is that I like myself and as sad as the outcome invariably is, in these situations with the tests. I'm glad I run them to see who is my type of acquaintance and who is not.

The tests never lie and they have proven to be very fruitful. I feel so much safer knowing I have a plan in place to ensure my safety and that I can stop myself from spilling too much into the wrong source.

Things I like about me :-

My face, especially brows/lips/nose

My legs

My chest

My humour

My brains

My creativity

My writing/fiction/blogging/storytelling

My hands

My voice

My giggle

My imagination

My confidence

My arrogance

My fight

My resourcefulness

My flexibility in adapting

Things I do not like about me :-

My inner critic

My belly

My thighs

My eyes/eyesight

My arms

My clumsiness

My negativity

My impatience

My temper

Excess hair growth

My doubts

My confusion that I still don't know myself

The whole purpose of this is that I am not scared to point out my plus and minus qualities. I am not trying to love every lil thing but neither am I determined to stay disliking certain areas.

I just want to celebrate what I value in me and form a lil less distaste when I think about what I don't see as positive.

#BlogLife123 - T said hi...

Well he made a heart sign and I thought hmmm. I could be rude and ignore him or I could be an adult and give him closure.

I went with the second because we didn't part angrily, I broke us away from each other because of his lifestyle. 

I wanted to ask if he instinctively knew I was leaving him and he nodded and read the signs and put it all together.

I guessed as much but still needed to ask. He wasn't mad at all just melancholy. I just try to write my feelings out and forget. 

He said he read the goodbye a lot and wanted to comment but words failed him. I think that would've been cool but..

Even a lil time with him, sparks an interest. I did what I did for a reason that is still present however its just so domesticated and effortless. 

He said maybe I could check in, lean on him when I'm not alright but that is a user type of interaction and someone is in my life or out completely. 

I don't know what to do. The smart thing is to leave him blocked and move forwards. The dreamy mushy thing is unblock him and carry on the bliss. 

I did open up to him and he does actually support me without judging or making assumptions but we are opposites. 

I do have this empty feeling I can't shake but is that a reason to invite him back?? It shouldn't be. 

Although tonight it was as though time stopped and I was happy and at peace again.. 

#BlogLife122 - Liar liar pantaloons on fire!

How are you doing? Is life treating you fairly? What's new? Today I thought about the topic of lying and liars. I get why some people evade the truth.

They want to be careful and not be too open about private details. There is a lot of fraud and identity theft in this world. I have experienced that a few times myself.

Someone hacked my paypal/ebay account and tried to buy games and jewellery but my bank alerted me in time to stop the transactions and I was cleared of any wrongdoing and accountability.

They also hacked into my bank account but again I was contacted and it was stopped so I have never been out of pocket, thankfully.

I've been lucky because I know others get cheated and lose a lot of money, their credit rating goes down and it looks like they are just bad with money.

Anyway back to liars. I've had a few people do it recently to me and I wonder why? Do you assume you won't be caught? Is it a funny game?

I don't really understand it because I half trusted you and then found out the truth and now I think you are a time waster. It's no good saying sorry and expecting redemption.

Do you know how hard it is to trust anybody? We each have misgivings inside us but we honestly attempt to give the benefit of the doubt, unless red flags go up.

You have just lost all credibility making up stories about your life and age. I don't see how you can come back from that. What is your escape clause?

Ummmmmm sorry. The thing is.....? Wait where are you going? I was just about to explain- Uncover your ears! Slow down! Get back here!

Too late, you are disingenuous so anything that comes out of your mouth is tainted and I would rather spend time with someone who is real.

#BlogLife121 - Mistplay App update

I have been using this app for about nine months now. It didn't seem that long ago since I discovered it. It is still a bit buggy where I will be playing a game and suddenly it pops up with a message..

To signify I am no longer being rewarded so I have re-click on Mistplay to keep benefiting from the perks. They haven't added Paypal or made it available for Apple users but I hope those additions are forthcoming soon.

I think I have redeemed about 5 times altogether and my current balance is about 996 units. Which is pretty nice overall. Just for playing games.

There are still irregular codes and competitions running on their social media pages which helps. I am just a bit sad about the gameplay.

I really have come to love Daily Themed Crossword even though it is a low earner at 1 unit but it's fun with large and mini types of puzzles.

The only issue is the abundance of adverts and I keep doing the same ones over and over. It doesn't seem to register them as completed which is annoying.

However the plus side which I have never seen before is that, when you are on a streak or maybe just randomly it sprinkles letters across the board for free.

I don't know about you but I typically get stuck or think there could be more than one possibility but here at least with some letters revealed, it's less frustrating.

I uninstalled most of the games as the rewards were taking too long to collect and it doesn't register accurately the time spent playing.

New games pay you faster so that is what I look for. I just hate that the dull ones pay a lot and the fascinating ones, do not but some I can leave running.

I am currently playing Pop Slots casino as that has the maximum 4 units to earn but it is very boring just running slots. It does level up fast though :D

Also I spotted a new game which was Solitaire Cruise, I wish they had the regular version, instead of tri-peaks. It's still challenging and interesting but I prefer the original game.

That is for 3 units which should help me cash out faster. That's it really. Just keep looking out for new games and be aware that they can modify the amount of units for that game, at any point.

Any questions, just ask and I'll get back to you.

#BlogLife120 - Don't touch my ears!

Do you have any allergies? For me it's mainly just an ear thing, house dust and any product with aloe on my lips makes me vomit.

When I was pre-teen, way before I started my period. I remember my stomach being in excruciating pain.

I tried to ignore it and sleep but it was getting worse. I didn't know what it was and I tiptoed to my parents room so they could fix it. 

It's hazy but I know I had never felt anything like it prior to this. She said just try and rest, it'll probably disappear soon. 

I went back to bed thinking I don't think so I've been laying here in discomfort for ages but I tried and it didn't. 

I went back to her and she took me to A&E and all I recall is this stern doctor pressing violently on my delicate tummy.

I felt like such a wimp because although he was making it worse, suddenly the pain evaporated. 

I didn't admit it straight away as I had dragged my poor mama out of bed, when she had work the next day, for nothing. 

I came clean and the Doctor frowned and said hmm. Could have been suspected appendicitis. 

After that I fell asleep and was fine. Again when I was pre-teen I begged my mama to pierce my ears. 

I was obsessed with fast forwarding to adulthood. I had to bug her constantly before she relented. 

I think she was excited too. I just thought women on TV and everyone around me looked so glamorous. 

Then there was me this awkward, shy, clutzy, self conscious girl who didn't belong anywhere. 

I wanted to fool the world that I fit, that I was just like them. Damn I didn't realise how true that was until I wrote it. 

Even back then I felt out of place. The piercing was I guess slightly painful but fine. 

However afterwards I developed a rash, swelling and soreness behind my ears. 

It didn't happen with pure gold but the earrings I had fought to wear, no longer seemed important. 

I was gutted. I had worn glasses since young when just by looking at me an optometrist noticed my eyes squinting or strained and said she's needs glasses pronto. 

The peculiar thing was that glasses didn't irritate my ears. The jewellery set off the allergy. 

Now anything bar glasses, like headphones set off the rash. Everyone assumed it was a nickel allergy. 

When I transferred to Morefields because I wanted to discuss laser surgery and then heard the diagnosis that I was a terrible candidate.. 

I erased that idea completely. All the spectacles they prescribed me I had an intense reaction too.

Suddenly now after wearing glasses up to the age of 16yrs I think. I was allergic.

I questioned Morefields but they weren't interested in a solution and told me the glasses had little to no nickel in them. 

I was just annoyed and confused. Why after a decade were the glasses affecting me? 

I never did get a satisfactory explanation. I just know that I cannot comfortably read with them on the laptop and soon after I put them on to see in the mornings.. 

I will experience a sharp burning sensation where I am compelled to rip them off my face. 

Ps I wonder if this is the reason I hate my ears being kissed? I never got the attraction for that. The movies made it look so appealing but when a few guys tried it..

I was like ewwwww. Enough, get away from me :D

#BlogLife119 - Remember when free was free?

Where ever in the world you reside. I hope you are enjoying a gloriously sunny weekend. It has been warm and toasty throughout here and I've been consuming icy drinks.

I keep forgetting I have a tray of ice cubes so now what I do, is get a bottle fill it with whatever drink I have, stick it in the deep freeze and now I have a refreshing watered down beverage that is like a slushy with chunks of ice contained inside :)

Why do I like weakened drinks? The ones I buy have too much sugar so this way I get less. The stock levels are still crazy so I can't always get the drinks I prefer aka sugar free flavoured water.

Now on to today's topic. From my blog, you can guess how I love saving money and hunting for bargains. Remember that saying... You never get anything for free?

Well I used to, still do at times. A bunch of freebie sites cropped up and then disappeared over the years but these were places where you could pick up genuine goodies that you didn't pay anything for, not even postage.

It's been so long and so many of them died and were replaced that I can't recall the names but I managed to get a wide range of things makeup/t-shirts/perfume/food easily.

The best time to check was mornings as they were first come, first served for the majority of them and I didn't always have time but when I did, I hustled and told people about it.

Nowadays there are new sites, one example is called MegaFreeStuff.co.uk and gone are the days where they advertise free things to pick up.

Even the email title is "You've won" it's a spammy type of site/email that attracts people but when you read the details. These are not freebies.

Won what??? It's a sneaky marketing ploy to get you to click on the email and a lot of them have started doing this nonsense!!

Noooooooo. These are competitions to enter!! That is just so wrong in my book. Competitions and freebies are too different things.

Magic Freebies is another one I have come to loathe. These sites used to be about saving money and getting your hands on an instant sample or full sized item but now you chance it with a billion other people and there is no guarantee you'll win/receive anything!!

I'm not saying I am owed anything. When companies give away products to promote themselves. I am extremely grateful.

What I miss though is when sites were legitimately named and actually did present freebies on their pages, that you did not have to vie for.

It is also due to these complimentary sample pages that I got a heads up on fun new stock that has just launched. It was through one of these sites I think where I discovered face mists.

Which have been heaven sent during heatwaves.

#BlogLife118 - Nutella novella

Once upon an era, a long long long longggg time ago. Nutella came out in the stores and everyone was crazy for it. I mean who doesn't adore chocolate?

Then you improve it by adding nuts? Lusciousness in a bottle or jar. I was a peanut butter addict so that and cheese toasties were my main craving, aside from the occasional chicken sandwich.

I looked at the price tag and thought nope, not yet maybe when it is on special offer and then promptly forgot all about it, until I spotted it at someone's home and helped myself to a sandwich.

With their permission of course, I'm not a savage. I don't go breaking into someone's abode and steal their fridge supplies. What kind of uncivilised thief do you take me for??

Anyway, I was really looking forward to it but slightly nervous that it would not live up to the hype, what if the ratio was wrong and it was sickly sweet?

I took a bite and then wanted to vomit. I probably spit it out and wanted to rinse my mouth out. The jar of Nutella had gone off. It was badddddd.

I have never been so disgusted in my life. As though chocolate and nuts had betrayed me and weren't my besties anymore :( It was a sad sad day.

That was back when I was younger and I never touched a Nutella jar since... Until recently. I have gone off peanut butter and needed a sweet fix.

I spotted the Nutella and took a deep breath and thought, alright decades have passed. I feel brave enough to try it for the second time.

I tentatively scooped a bit out and thought, I can do this, be brave girl. The scent wafted up my nostrils and I felt lightheaded and then I tasted it.......

Holy moly it was like a ground up wholenut bar. Creamy, sweet and delicious. I scooped up some more and then stuck it in the fridge.

(It is a lot harder to scoop when it's solid).

#BlogLife117 - JRH16 Headphones review

I would normally post this on Amazon but for this product, I think they have completely stop accepting them and that is because there is a site that used to be called Amz Reviews..

https://www.myvipon.com/index.php

Who is now named Vipon where you can browse for products and get a significant discount to use on Amazon, in exchange for a truthful review.

It used to be much better, by the fact that a lot of premium items were completely free and as long as they were over £20, you wouldn't have to pay postage either.

I got an electric toothbrush. Various beauty items like cleansers. Beautiful, high quality maxi dresses for a fraction of their worth and so forth..

You apply the code at the checkout and it just varies from half price to a couple pounds off to most of it reduced. Most of the time the codes work and they go lightning fast so if you are after something, check in the mornings.

The headphones were priced at £30. I had £15 off with the code. Plus I had £10 Amazon credit and had just redeemed £5 from Mistplay. Making it free :)

Some people are still so grateful for the deal that they hide the negative aspects. I do not because when I read feedback, I like the good and bad points.

I wasn't even sure if this could connect to multiple devices but I just tried it on my chromebook and Samsung A41 phone and it worked without incident. 

The name that will come up is JR H16. To turn off the bright light on the headphones, just press the volume buttons down together and you will see the light go off. After using it for 18 hours I had 40% left on the battery.

Then I stuck it on the charger which took roughly an hour and a half to 2 hours to fully restore. Compared to other headphones the battery drains really quickly, it's hard to believe it's long life. 

However I had been keeping the light on, so I'll do a new test and see if lasts more than half a day.

They are comfortable at first but after time passes, they start to feel tender on the ears. Also they have the smallest ear cups I have owned for a while. I'm not sure if that will make the sound leak.

I have the black version as I am not bothered about the colour. These arrived lightning fast on the basic free delivery. 

I ordered them on a Thursday and the next day they showed up in the afternoon. I was surprised but during non holidays, Amazon does deliver quite quickly.

I bought these to replace another cheap set I bought on Ebay that refused to connect to bluetooth and the sound was horribly distorted. I find Amazon has better overall quality.

I'll be using these for music mainly, some videos and possibly the occasional phone call, although the quality always seems poor for calls. I haven't attempted that yet but I'll try and add the result when I do.

When you plug it in to the charger there is a red light and when it is fully renewed, the light disappears and you can remove it. It came with the usual usb cord and the wire to plug it in and use it without bluetooth, if that is your preference.

The only negative I see so far is that when I pause and resume a video, the sound doesn't reconnect straight away, so I lose a few seconds, I haven't experienced that before. Also I have just checked the call quality. 

I can hear the person clearly but the person listening to me on the other end says I sound a lot worse and unclear compared to how I sounded before when I wasn't connected on the headphones.

#BlogLife116 - I'm not a talker

I've mentioned this before that I am more comfortable in the role of a listener but let's explore than in more depth. I just took a wonderful gritty chat on the support system and that was why I volunteered in the first place.

Certain horrible things I can relate to, so I'm not just nodding my head and saying there there, it's get'll better soon, dry your tears. 

I'm saying look, I may not be able to fix it or improve your mood but I have a few ideas on what may help and these are tried and tested so I know what I am talking about.

Case in point, the person was feeling heard and validated and they requested another session. One per day, is so much more manageable than four or more. Yikes.

Anyway I can stand or sit and talk with a friend or a stranger but about random details, not anything particularly personal. I feel okay in that instance.

The minute it starts to get real and I have to share something that is not typical and run of the mill conversation, is where I really struggle.

These topics can be sensitive/non-sensitive. It is basically the opening up in general. I just have this constant voice saying, protect yourself.

Hold back! Are you sure you want to reveal that? You know that they are just going to throw it back in your face and twist it around?!

I am so used to this negative behaviour that is ingrained to be shut off and communicate minimally. One example is, I told one of the randoms that I dated a married guy.

Which again, is something I am not proud of but it happened and I can say it out loud but it was also during a horrendously stressful time in my life.

I was alone and I needed support which I was not getting from anybody. Not friends, not family, no-one and he provided what was missing in my life so that I had a reason to get up in the mornings.

I had something to smile about finally amongst all the murky darkness and depression. It wasn't perfect but I needed a lifeline like you wouldn't believe.

As you can imagine it's a prickly topic for me and he just trashed my character in an instant and I cried silently because that is what happens.

It always occurs. I open up and give a piece of myself, hoping to be understood and comforted and respected and instead I get a verbal slap and a disgusted response.

It's just not safe. I should point out that he did profusely apologise and I did accept it but it was noteworthy. I just find that at times I am told to carry the conversation.

I feel like I have to choose a subject and just make it fascinating. I can do that with a few things but certain areas I just feel foolish because I am just guessing.

I really can't stand to just be in the spotlight while I am floundering. I want to look smart and full of insight because if I don't, someone comes along and rips me apart.

I don't know how relationships work. I've never been in one. I know nothing about cars or sports because they hold no enjoyment for me.

Stop asking me to tackle something that I have no earthly interest in. I have to be perceived as knowledgeable because otherwise I'm just going to be criticised.

I am so sick of being on the defence and angry so let me be comfortable and stick to things that I actually can relay back in a quirky way.

That is where my strength comes from. I need to relax and be myself and not have to impress you. I am okay with me as a person, with all of my faults.

I accept them so why don't you?

#BlogLife115 - Do people mind being mentioned on your blog?

Good question imagination. I think family would mind, as they don't come out in a flattering light. Even if it is all true. Best they don't know about it, they would just deny it all anyway.

Friends I am not sure if they would care either way. As for the recommended blogs, the bloggers haven't said anything. I don't know if they would be concerned.

I don't even know if I should remove one of them. It seems like a dead blog. Good start and then it petered out. I prefer current, active blogs to showcase.

I mean I understand maintaining a blog is difficult, you have to put the time in and be inspired but it's nice when the effort is made.

I did like having a couple of blog options available though. Maybe before I remove, I should find a replacement to add instead so it looks fuller?

The acquaintances are a mixed breed. Half of them demand to be acknowledged on the blog.

They want recognition and to be someone significant in my life and for others to know that. Whereas the opposites do not want their names or any reference to them posted here.

They want to be private and discreet, away from the spotlight or anyone reading the blog but honestly it is not a huge place. It's not famous and on any recommended pages so the chances of it being connected to them are slim to none.

Part of me feels like they have something to hide or they already acknowledge to themselves that their behaviour is imperfect and the other side thinks, well I can understand it because I wouldn't like my conversations broadcast to the world either.

I told them all that I would never use anyone's whole name. I would just stick to the initial. For my own reference sake. I think that is fair.

It's not a spite thing. A lot of the times, I just feel really muddled up and I can't find any peace or solutions but somehow when I write it out.

It all seems to make better sense to me and I can easily draw conclusions that previously were eluding me. That's why I find it helpful and I can reread it and think, yea I understand it all better now.

I'm not sure why but I still feel exhausted and stiff today. I have the heat massager rotating on my back and it feels wonderful.

I really have to start doing it regularly because I don't like feeling as though I have no energy and my body is just tense and limited with movements.

#BlogLife114 - Dating confessions

How are all you doing? Here in the UK, the weather is crazy, I go from shivering to boiling hot in the blink of an eye. It started off raining and then the sun was beaming in the sky.

I decided to get up early and run errands. My mind went totally blank though. I was wearing this orangey/yellow flamey flowy top and dark purple trousers.

I didn't have time to do my makeup. The buses were running out of whack, it is normally supposed to be every ten minutes but it was twice that and even then, it kept changing so I wanted to hustle and have a quick trip to the market and then home again.

I topped up my oyster and finally found some plain, un-tinted lip balm, I've been searching for ages and finally saw it. £1.40 which isn't bad really.

When I get back, my whole body feels as though it is locked up. The pain is starting to spread and my back feels stiff and sore.

I shuffle around and end up walking like Frankenstein because my body is now so tired and tense that it just wants to rest and let the pain subside.

I just took the easy route and put my hair in a pony tail. I'm not sure if Iceland sells it but nothing came up in the search. Alright now it is time to clear my conscience...

I don't think I have talked about this before but forgive me if I have. Even though I have been stood up a bunch of times and it really knocks your confidence....

I actually did that, not once but twice, to two different guys. Now before you point and glare and scream at me for being heartless......

Let me explain the circumstances. The first time it happened, I was seventeen and nobody had ever asked me out before. He was late twenties and cute and nobody my age, was interested.

I think since I was 14/15yrs old. I was beginning to be noticed by older men, never anyone younger or the same age, which I thought was a bit strange and a bit sad but that's life.

I thought to myself I need an ice breaker. One guy to start me off and get my confidence going. He wasn't ideal but he had a pulse.

(Oops forgot to point out I was 17yrs old at this point). 

However when the evening wore on, I just felt completely unprepared and out of my depth. I ran all these wild ridiculous scenarios in my head and talked myself out of it.

I'm not sure if I had a phone at that point. I don't honestly think we swapped numbers. We had just arranged to meet somewhere and go to the movies.

I felt really bad but then on the other hand, I was trying to justify it saying, well he should be dating women his own damn age lol.

Anyway after a couple of days passed I dug up some courage and visited his workplace. A fashion boutique store. He was really annoyed but he insisted we try again or maybe I did..

Who can remember?? I was still a wreck but I thought I'm sure I'll relax eventually and I did. It was strange though. He kept trying to reach for my bag..

Then at anything remotely suggestive, he covered my eyes. The movie was horrendous. It was Get Shorty. I'll never forget it because I was falling asleep and so was he.

Then suddenly about half way, he says come on, I have to go home now. I'll drive you home but bear in mind. I do not have a valid licence.

I just gave him the most peculiar look and said I would walk home or get the bus. I'm not about to get into a car with someone who hasn't passed their damn test.

Plus I just had this sixth sense that he just wanted to drive me somewhere remote and make a proper move and I was not interested at all at this point.

He seemed really outraged that I wouldn't get in the car, which proved my point. I remember he kept trying to hold my hand, lean on my shoulder and it was as though he was forcing comfortability/intimacy upon me.

Trying to fast track it, which just unnerved me completely. I shrugged him off repeatedly. I can't just be made to feel something that I do not.

As for the second one, he and I had been texting and calling for months I think and decided to meet up. We didn't swap photos but descriptions.

I turned up and he was nothing like he had described. Different build, different hair colour. It just completely floored me.

I was just thinking why would you lie about the basics and what else are you deceiving me about? I should have just confronted him and said my peace...

But that's not really my style so before he clocked it was me. Actually truth be told, he texted and asked if that was me and I said no and left.

That was quite horrible of me. I just wasn't in the mood to have a screaming match in public. I felt horribly guilty and know I would never do that again to someone, no matter the circumstances.

Try not to hate me, I'm just a flawed person but I can hold my hand up and own up to them. I did wrong and I'm sorry that doesn't make it right but it's something.

#BlogLife113 - Hanging on beyond reason...

Why do we do it to ourselves? We know what the outcome has to be and yet we hang on and hope for something preferable instead.

It's like we are kidding ourselves and refusing to face the reality of the painfully obvious situation. 

I mean sure you can wish but eventually, you have to suck it up and realise, you can't change the facts.

I've now uninstalled Whatsapp because what is the point of keeping it? 

I only put it on chromebook for one person and he is just busy doing his own thing, so be it.

I wanted a different result and he'll probably turn it around and say he was waiting for me but I childishly sent the last irritated message so the ball was in his court, is my defence.

I was only looking to be a part of someone's life, not take over or be left out of it completely. Surely there should be a compromise somewhere?

I have to delete the emails now and the one with his number is staring at me, ha!

The truth is, I do think about him and miss him but not enough to get in touch because looking back on everything..

I don't see him as invested or accepting of how all this is affecting me. It's all unfamiliar and I don't know if how I am feeling is normal but it is real and valid.

If I were to hazard a guess, I assume he wants someone more experienced, more sure of themselves and what they want or need.

It's all too puzzling for me due to the notion that I thought/think I want a certain lifestyle but having never lived it before. How can I possibly know if it's for me??

I can't fast forward and be a perfect girlfriend, I have to stumble and figure it out as I go along, that requires time, that nobody seems to want to give me....

And if that is the case, then they are obviously unsuitable and I need someone more patient and understanding.

Damn sometimes ghosts, should just stay in the past and not the future. After that depressing thought, his emails are deleted, well all but the one with his number... For reference sake only.

I normally block guys on messenger/email but I don't want to do that this time but I will also just try and forget him now, Wish me luck?

One last thought. How would you feel, if someone said they were in regular contact with their exes? And that they miss them?

I feel like he has an answer for everything, all my queries, in a neat lil bow. I mean, I understand it's different for me, my exes were awful and I wanted nothing more to do with them..

However it's a red flag to me, to be told there is constant contact and he misses her. He says it was a mixed time but they still mean a lot to each other...

I just don't want to compete with his ghost, on top of all the other problems between us.

Goodbye N and take care.

#BlogLife112 - The worst thing you can say to me is....

I don't have time for you..

I already feel invisible and unheard, therefore this is not a new concept to me and I won't be waiting around.

There are some nice women here, maybe I'll just invite one of them back to mine.. 

Again I've been predominantly cheated on from most of the guys I have dated and I'm expecting it at this point. We are not a couple or tied to each other but you better believe I am assessing your behaviour/words.

Be your easy going self immediately.. 

I think or hope I've gotten to the stage where I'm not a wreck before a date. I'll just feel apprehensive.

However I'm sure when the moment arrives, some nerves may get the best of me and if that happens I'll be choosing my words carefully and may not be as friendly.

I'll also be looking for signs that you are not having a good time and wish to cut it short. 

I don't want to hangout with someone who doesn't appreciate my glorious companionship. 

I was just joking..

The issue with saying this is, that the damage is already done and I am spiralling. You have sown the seeds of doubt in my head and now I just wonder even more about my significance in your life.

I guess my point in all this is that, my life will never be straightforward and although I am still not looking for someone to be in my life.

I am looking for traits. I don't want to be an afterthought or a first thought. I only want to be allowed to grow and figure out my role in a potential relationship.

I don't want to be judged or misunderstood. I want to share and not have it turned around. You know the real honest to goodness reason that I let people take the lead and outline the terms....?

Is because I choose it that way. I'm aware of what they are doing and I accept it because it benefits me! The other times when I feel manipulated, will be the time that I push back and refuse to cooperate.

I will stand my ground and fight or leave because that is in my best interest. Just be aware.......When you think you are in control.....You really are not.

I don't like men I can walk all over but I also don't tolerate men that think they can force me to act or speak according to their whims.

Only I get to decide that, never you!

#BlogLife111 - Belated beautification

I still feel a lil miffed around mama and it brings up a long of painful memories of the past but she doesn't seem to be able to acknowledge her actions so meh..

It's just one of those awful things that I have to try and get past. I was wiped out yesterday so by 10pm I just went to bed which is weirdly early for me.

I slept well until 6.30am and just took my time starting all the preparations. It's not often I have an abundance of time on my hands so I decided to choose my outfit carefully and lay out my makeup.

I went with black trousers, a long black top underneath and then a red/black fancy shiny satiny top over it. Very feminine and flowy.

I did a mix of chocolate and pink lipgloss and for the eyes, I did a dark and light purple blend. I even put on foundation. I went full on makeup because it was a belated birthday pedicure/massage/brows day.

The weather looked nippy and dicey to start with but I didn't want to walk with a jacket and in the end, the sun was shining brightly and warmly anyhow.

For the first time in ages, I beat mama and I arrived before her so started my luxurious pedicure and luckily she was really gentle so no painful movements at all.

The massage chair was working the tension out of my body and I was in heaven with the leg/foot massage and then she finally turned up.

She overslept so I just went ahead and got my brows and they turned out soooo good. This is how I like them, thin and shapely.

Then we went off to lunch in our favourite cafe. It's a shame they don't have an extensive dessert menu but I ordered my usual chicken salad and the waitress was laughing.

I said I know, I'm sooo boring ha. I always get the same thing but it's really good, we had not sat inside, since the lockdown so she was saying that it was good to see us :)

The beautician always ends up removing my eye makeup and I had just wiped my lippy off, when he walked in..... Yum. He was tall, broad shouldered and just a beautiful man.

I don't even like facial hair but he had a beard and a moustache but it was neat. I briefly checked him out and thought oh my.....

Why did you sit so far away? Ha!! I promise I wasn't staring madly at him. Our eyes only met briefly, as he was just gazing around.

He didn't give me a second look but I may have given him 1 or 2 more glances.... I was trying to eat so that, I didn't have mess on my face..

But damn I wish I still had a full cute made up look but no matter because mama was with me and we were talking but not as much as usual.

I may have been distracted and still irritated with her but it was a great day nonetheless. I did eat really slowly and I'm still unsure if it was because of the hot tottie or maybe I was starting to get full :D

#BlogLife110 - Who are you dressing to impress?

For a turn around I had a lovely deep sleep last night. I feel refreshed and happy. I was looking forward to a chat with a certain someone and he got me thinking about today's post.

I'm also a bit sad that someone on the Looney Tunes team is poorly which is never good news. I don't want to pry but I'm curious.

Last thing, have you any of you seen Dolunay? I'm on episode 10 of this Turkish drama. At first I was like, hmmm this seems dull but the central characters had me hooked.

I like food related shows, so it's interesting because she's a chef and he's crabby and there is a love triangle. Two friends and her in the middle..

Anyway there is a lot of advice and rules about how you should dress for certain occasions. Let's just stick to dates. Should you dress casual, so that you are comfortable or should you be glamorous and unsettled?

It's a conundrum right? On one hand you could opt to go low key and feel easy breezy in your skin so that you don't feel self conscious.

The only thing with this preference is that the other person may think that you didn't make an effort because you aren't interested so this could backfire.

However if you go over the top, don heels that you can't walk in properly and will be miserable wandering around in plus put on an outfit, completing your look, which is stunning but too revealing...

Your face will confess your misery and your companion may again assume that you are not having a good time. I have done both of these things.

My personal solution is to do a mix of the two ensembles. Instead of a stiletto? What about wedges or a block heel? That way you get the lift, you look sassy and you're in the right head-space for some flirting ;)

The same goes with the outfit, instead of something overly tight and a plunging neckline, why not show a hint of cleavage? Or a slightly figure hugging outfit that highlights your curves?

You can try to project your confidence through words but if you are fidgeting and adjusting your neckline, it doesn't work. It will look like you are trying to hard to be something you are not..

Dress to impress yourself. Look in the mirror before you leave and just ask the question.... Am I wearing something that I feel good in and that I can own, like the beautiful and sexy diva I am??

If the answer is Yes, you are all set, if it isn't then you need to change. Show your date, that inner confidence. It will be impossible to resist......

#BlogLife109 - Can fire and ice coexist?

On one hand there is you, bold, decisive and possessing a clear objective in mind, stopping at nothing to achieve it and get a satisfactory response.

Then there is me. I think I know what I want and can visualise it. I can write it out but I cannot completely come to terms with it. A part of me second guesses, is this me?

It doesn't sound like me or what I would do or feel and then I realise the reason I continue to feel conflicted. It stems back from unhealthy relationships.

I would have figured out the type of person I was a long time ago if I had someone that I could have fallen in love with, who also loved me back.

I just remember that dating was a means to an end. It wasn't joyous, it was escapism. Instead of it being something natural. I just clung to whoever, hoping it would last a bit longer.

Not because I had any feelings or due to being treated affectionately. I just didn't want to be at home. Now living on my own, I have new fears..

I worry about if someone is genuine. It is a concern that I will never let my guard down. What if I miss my moment? I take it slowly, step by step and do not skip any milestones.

My fear is that I will forever be this stepping stone woman. A way for them to pass the time, until someone they really want comes along.

Someone far more suitable. Open, ambitious and experienced with how to function in partnerships. I don't know what has to happen before I know who I am?

I just continue to wait for the worst and assume that it is only a matter of time before you stray away and decide that this whole thing is less than ideal and it's not worth the time to see if it will evolve.

The only recourse I can see is for something that has never happened before to suddenly present itself. Over time if we were to develop naturally, maybe then there would be a chance to showcase all the different sides of me, safely...?

I'm never going to be un-muddled and clear headed immediately. I will remain....

Fearful,

Torn,

Insecure,

Nervous

and self critical because there are a lot of dividing factors involved. I can't just be naturally bubbly and relaxed due to my head being pulled in different directions.

After each moment passes, I can try and share what I feel, why I am in that particular mood but none of this feels normal to me because dating has always been unpleasant for me.

How am I supposed to enjoy it and be excited when I just feel stressed and part of me wants to escape any expectations and the other part ponders on.....

What if this time, it will somehow work out?

#BlogLife108 - Is my criticism constructive?

Being someone that could never seem to do anything right, no matter how hard I tried, it is a difficult concept to be critical of someone else, even if they ask me to be. 

My intention is always to help them improve and feel more positive. However I think carefully before I speak or reply and read it or think about it a few times before I give my responses.

I still feel guilty though, that I am being harsh or that anything I say could be taken in a mean spirited way. I don't want to hurt someone's feelings, the way mine were constantly dismissed.

I just think I have a different perspective that they can delve into or just reject because it isn't what they are seeking. I find it admirable that they are willing to open themselves up and ask for help.

I would struggle with that and cringe before listening to anything. I would probably do anything to avoid it, purely because I would be convinced that someone would say something evil for the sake of it.

I have been following a rule of mine for some time to soften anything harsh that I might have to add. I start off with the negative side, things they can consider altering and I close with the positives.

Even if they find me a bit blunt with my ideas, at least they can be comforted by the genuine praise of what they are excelling at.

Hopefully in the end that will lessen the shock value and they will just see that I am merely trying to give them what they asked for, some objective input.

Does that sound reasonable?