I see you differently

I got back from mums recently and it was so serene. I let everything go, let everyone know I was away but this time I was only half unreachable. 

I sent a few texts out with updates. I have this love/hate thing for summer. On one hand it's full of family birthdays including my own that recently passed and on another scale.. 

I can't cover up with bulky jackets. I can barely layer up because the weather has been so warm.

A while back I did actually buy some summer gear, quite a few feminine outfits that I haven't even dared to wear outside the home. 

One such creation was a back and white multi layered top with beautiful detailed lace around the sleeves and midrift. It ends just over my stomach which is the worse possible place but I wore something under it. 

I just couldn't figure out if I should wear it out or not. Eventually I went for it, feeling the usual self consciousness but at the same time feeling a little proud of myself. 

I realised that I had some significant weight loss recently. Not a huge amount but enough to show that I was moving in the right direction and clothes were fitting more loosely. 

It's not surprising I have been living off popsicles, flavoured water and reduced my snacking because with the heat bearing down on me, my appetite just hasn't felt as big as it normally is.

I noticed that a lot of people were looking at me but I still couldn't twig if that was a positive or negative reaction. Until I met up with my mum and she didn't hold back, she complimented me on the top and said it looked great. 

I was really surprised actually, I thought she would have said it was a little too snug or not long enough but that was enough to calm my nerves. 

What really cemented it was a completely random guy calling me "sexy." I didn't even stop, I was just too stunned to respond. I was melting in the heat and just trying to search for shade but it was nice to get a compliment.

Quit lying and act like a professional!

Couriers do it all the time when they say "attempted delivery." You were nowhere near my place at the time stated, I was home, I would have heard you. 

Stop lying to people. It has been a stressful week with only a few highlights to revel in. I found a good deal on some headphones that met my criteria and were on a double sale, having further gone down in price. 

However I didn't expect them to arrive the next day. I had to pop out with some errands and apparently missed the courier. I had been checking the tracking but it wasn't detailed just stated "out for delivery." 

I called up to reschedule and miscommunication ensued but I got £5 worth of credit compensated to me, so I thanked her and expected it the following day.

Throughout that evening, the tracking changed twice to "out for delivery" but yet nobody knocked or buzzed. I would not have missed anymore deliveries as I was at home. 

Several calls later it turns out, the driver had gone to the wrong address and was in fact not at my destination. Idiots! This morning I was supposed to have a routine hospital appointment that I get picked up for. 

I have to be ready by 7am for an appointment that I usually make for 9ish so I was up at 5ish as I couldn't sleep properly and by 7ish I was dressed and ready to be collected. 

Suddenly it was 9am and no sign of transport so I called the hospital to double check they hadn't forgotten me and was told to be patient, that I was on the list and would be picked up at some point.

By 11am my patience had run out and I called again, only to be rudely told that they had been at my place at 8.30 and I was not at home. 

Yea right... I enquired as to whether perhaps the driver had gone to the wrong address by mistake and was flatly told NO.

I asked why when I enquired at 9am I wasn't told I had missed my appointment and the reply was make a new appointment.

Ugh! I love the bit he added on, which was *Oh we would have called but we don't have your number on file* I've given out my number to them several bloody times!!!

I can't actually reschedule the appointment. I will just receive a new one in the post but I did state exactly why I didn't make the appointment. 

A complete waste of hair, makeup and time I could have spent sleeping blissfully.

Retail therapy

I'm over my cold and am taking a break from the multivitamins as the price is too steep for the moment. Pity as they are so effective. 

With grocery prices going up, I need to be a bit more careful. On the other side of things I have been spending the winnings surplus. 

I had a competition win and a bingo win so my paypal balance was looking pretty flush until I spotted some gorgeous boots. Fake fur, ankle and blue. 

I tend to play it safe and go for boring black but these beauties were lace up, dreamy and half price so I bought them and they fit beautifully, so comfortable and stylish to boot. 

At times I feel as though if you want something trendy you are out of luck with flat boots that are one or one and a half inches only.

That is why I always settle for a half decent pair but this time, it was love at first sight so I took the plunge after shopping around and not seeing anything appealing.

I've never tried Kaleidoscope before and will not return to them. Unless you have a credit account all promotions are void, plus you have to pay postage fees. 

There are so many better alternatives out there but as this was the last pair I just bit the bullet. 

Now that they actually fit and are as gorgeous as the picture described I wanted another pair being such a fusspot. 

Another colour would have been great but the dark blue/purple is really stunning. This time however I shopped around and kept finding it cheaper. 

On the Joe Browns site it was a few pounds cheaper but on my faithful Amazon site, it was a whole ten pounds reduced and limited stock, so I went ahead and snapped it up.

Looks like it will be a busy day for the couriers at my door, boots, slippers, summer pinky/purply top. On a side note, why do all plus size clothes have to feature flowers? 

Can't they have any other designs? Flowers are decorative but I crave variety. I guess the last item on my list is some headphones. 

They never sit right on my head, they always feel massive. I want a long battery, a snug fit, and for them to last over a year *chortle*

I'm still trying to watch my calorie intake but over Easter I started craving those lush Ferrero mini eggs, unfortunately I could not get a hold of them. 

I've wanted to try out the whole collection, so I bought the original, dark and coconut box. It's not something I would buy again but I enjoyed sampling it.

The milk chocolate is as good as ever, nothing beats a creamy crunchy mixture of chocolate and nuts. The dark option left no bitter aftertaste and was pretty tasty. 

The coconut was a bit too strong for my liking. What do you treat yourself to every once in a while?

Life isn't all bad

If it wasn't one thing going wrong it was another. My fridge freezer breaks and instead of the couriers delivering the new one and collecting the old, they refused. 

Now I have to pay the council to collect it. Then my laptop broke down which thankfully was only due to a faulty charger so I managed to get a good deal in the high street.

I end up losing both my contact lenses and have to rely on my glasses which I'm allergic to, to see anything, reading was damn near impossible but I have gotten my new set now which I am being extra careful with. 

I really couldn't take any further expenses so realising my phone contract was ending soon I called up early to try and get a good deal. 

I'm not sure why but the earlier I call, the nicer more reasonable they seem. I have one of those package deals, phone, broadband, landline so it is much easier to negotiate knowing that I can easily take my business elsewhere.

For once I did not think I was going to get anywhere. I am pretty adapt at bargaining but previous times have failed so I had low expectations. 

However this time, luck was on my side. I spoke to a lovely chap taking me through the options and respecting my budget, but he was trying to do a hard sell.

The free phones he offered me seemed quite poor and he lowered my monthly costs but I needed to think about which phone I really wanted as my current Honor cannot handle multi tasking at all.

I googled some reviews, watched a few youtube videos and then narrowed it down to two handsets. Huawei Smart P 2017 or the Moto G6 Play. 

I was looking for decent battery life and ram mostly. Would have been nice to have something other than black but that was low priority.

I decided to call back in the afternoon and see if I could still get that great deal which unfortunately was unavailable, the new deal was worse so I declined. 

I figured now that a free phone was actually an option I would keep calling back in the morning until I got a reasonable deal. 

However an hour later I got a call saying he had spoken to his manager and agreed to offer me the original fantastic deal. I'm not saving a massive amount. 

£3 a month overall, an additional £30 of half price line rental for 3 months. I am getting a new phone that I didn't think I would though. 

Plus no delivery charges or handset costs and I am thrilled about that. I hope I made the right choice. I went with the Moto.. It's due to arrive tomorrow or Thursday. 

Wish me luck.

Floundering

I had an onslaught of panic attacks and this time no tools to help me combat it. I had barely slept the night before, severe cramps having kept me up and in the morning after missing the two alarms that I set. 

There was nonstop nausea. No time for makeup or even a breath. I looked down at my phone and unfortunately it was completely dead.

No secret tool to help me face the outside world. I was ok at first and then I had a multi trigger attack and I just froze. People kept asking me if I was alright and I mumbled yea. I feel like such a freak even after all this time.

It has really been such a rough couple of months. There are less comfortable positions to sleep in and walking is just shuffling forward grimacing at how tense and tender I feel. 

I was hoping to get a break and go away for a bit but it was cancelled. I spent the holidays alone fatigued by pmt, constantly running out of food and distancing myself from loved ones.

I broke off contact with my last penpal. Part of me thought that I would have more time to write and the other part knew I was just empty inside. 

My creativity has abandoned me. It's a new year and I still don't feel whole again. I had a dry December opting not to snack anymore and have stuck religiously to it even now but nothing else has snapped me out of the funk I am in.

I keep reminiscing about my younger days, walking, partying, shopping, just being spontaneous. Now I have to think about whether there is seating, transport close or how close it is to where I live incase I need to rest. 

I miss those days. I miss the girl I used to be. I loathe saying no to invitations because I know that it is an all-day event with no time for a proper break but this is just my life now and has been for over a decade.

Another of my highlights is gone as I've just been told my account is officially blocked/banned from the bingo promotions for life. 

The only thing I can think of is that I had not made a deposit in a while but kept withdrawing and I may have made a few complaints about cheaters. 

There are countless multiple account names listed winning the free bingo so I suggested they look into it but nothing came of it, yet moi, with my one measly honest account gets condemned, pretty laughable really. 

Good job I have another bingo site I use. I have made a delicious profit so I didn't make a fuss, just said fine. Down the road I will look for a suitable replacement.

I think the only bright spark for a while has been my unflailing confidence in myself, someone recently tried to make me feel inadequate and I didn't even feel a little hurt. 

I just calmly told him that he himself must have some deep insecurities to try and make someone else feel bad. 

I finally realised that if I ever did start dating again and fell into old patterns with a nice man on the outside and a vindictive man on the inside, that I could handle myself and not turn myself inside out trying to be a perfect ideal.

Parenting the parent

It is strange how as I have gotten older I find myself talking semi sternly with my mother about certain aspects and she tries to convince me otherwise which I smile at and remember how I used to do the same with her. 

She does reluctantly listen and it's always to benefit her and not myself but each day I catch myself and think about how time is passing by. 

It scares me sometimes. The thought of losing another parent and being on my own. I am a grown woman living independently but knowing that I can call my mum up anytime and get some advice or just have a chat is so wonderfully warm and fuzzy. 

I don't want to regret missing out so even if I'm busy, I usually just make time for it.

I don't like the idea of getting older but I have at least stopped freaking out about it.