Unavailability

Despite a massive recurring theme of dramas happening to me I have finally made it to my mums, bruised feet and all. 

The day just started off right. I had a deep blissful night sleep which is rare for me. The bus driver skipped many stops to get to the station and I was picked up about fifteen minutes later.

I opened my Christmas gifts that were bundled together in a bright red bag and they consisted of quite a few goodies. 

Sparkling White Diamonds perfume, my favourite and another perfume by Elizabeth Arden that I have already forgotten the name of but it smells delightful. Followed by a Lynx giftset, Amazon and Tesco giftcards and makeup brushes.

I didn't expect all that fuss to be honest but it's gratefully received after a poor start to my week. I also just found out I have won my second prize of the year which is in the form of paypal credit. 

The first was a set of hair tonics which has not arrived yet and I'll have to chase it soon.

I've told my friends I'm going to be unavailable for my duration here. I just want to switch off completely and unwind without any distractions or any feelings of obligations. 

I'm not sure whether I'll do the same with my penpals. I probably will just send a quick email to let them know my replies will be delayed for a short time until I get back.

I already feel so much calmer and relaxed as though things have already turned around for the better. I should try and get some sleep now.

No tears left

It has just been a hellish day with numerous things going wrong. From no sleep to bruising my foot and then having a woman on the bus further aggravate it with her trolley, to generally running late and starting my period. 

I had a meeting today which was so badly organised and I was looking at the signposts but for some reason my lenses were all fogged up so I couldn't even read them and my eyedrops did absolutely nothing to help me focus.

I was on my feet for a few hours and I could feel them just wanting to collapse. My toe was throbbing and I was just limping about wanting to scream. 

Today was not a good day and tomorrow I am supposed to meet my mother to visit her for a while, only I don't think my feet and legs are up for it. 

Yet again something has collided with this long postponed trip but I am just going to use a cab service or pay a friend of a friend some cash to pick me up and drive me over there as I am in no fit state to walk anywhere and cancelling is not a viable option because at this point I will never get to see her.

I just want the unpleasantness over and to enjoy seeing her and catching up on all the events I missed. It's bad enough I'm going to be suffering with cramps soon but dealing with all this crap is just getting on top of me. 

I could feel the tears wanting to come out from the back of my eyes but for once they didn't. This time I just maintained my composure.

I think all this venting it out and releasing my feelings is really helping me to grow stronger and more invincible. 

It might seem that I complain a lot or seem frequently unhappy but it is only due to days like this when I am reminded I struggle with pain management and generally doing activities that others find a breeze.

I find what also helps is going awol when I'm away from home. Switching my phone off or just not replying to people until I return. 

I need me-time now and to recharge my batteries and that will help me just as the venting in a blog does.

Dear bully

I once had a beautiful light shining inside me despite growing up with monsters and people pointing out every single flaw I had and showing me that I didn't fit in with my plain looks, chubby features and shy personality. 

I would smile a lot and try to act as friendly as possible. I would help others, listen to them complain, give useful recommendations and volunteer to be available, should they need me to be, so why the disparaging remarks?

First you tell me to shut up, that I'm dumb, that I'm a ditz and then you say sit closer, let's hang out together. 

My earliest memory was sitting outside on a tiny bench, kicking my legs and colouring or drawing on a sketchpad. 

I only remember looking up at my mother who was called up and I think I was smiling up at her oblivious.

Recently when we talked about it, she said that my teachers were worried because I wasn't talking at all and they thought I had learning difficulties. 

I thought it was merely a day that went by but she said it had been a year and I had refused to talk to anyone.

We both knew why I was silent. It's because at home whenever I spoke up my elder sibling told me to shut up. I happily consider myself an only child at this juncture.

(Even though technically it's not true). I talked a little at home like a normal rambunctious kid but I never really knew how to express myself.

I was deeply sensitive and as I looked around at my cousins and the girls in my school, they all seemed so happy and carefree.

I still wonder if other people went through what I did and if it was normal behaviour. 

The next memory that crops up is me running to my room and leaning against it to stop my siblings from chasing and hurting me. 

There were always threats but nothing actually physically happened just the words were enough to send chills down my spine and I wished I truly were an only child.

My mum still accuses me of being hard hearted because I refuse to forgive people that robbed me of being me. 

They took more than just my confidence, they took my sanity, my inner peace and the ability to trust another human being. 

Still i did forgive them. I wanted to let go of the anger and bitterness I had been holding onto for all these years, some were better people and some were still the same.

I made a choice to forgive but not forget and I tried my utmost to be civil and not let the past dictate the future interactions with them. 

That was the plan and I succeeded for a good minute and then I realised, certain people will never change. 

The verbal abuse just carried on but my parents expected me to carry on accepting it and just be impervious to it. 

They never actually went to the source and made it stop though. I was just supposed to accept it and at the same time not let it get to me.

I think maybe because my parents were both bubbly and outgoing and just fit in with everyone...That I'm guessing I was a disappointment. 

I wasn't like that at all. Everything got to me and I wanted it to stop. I wanted to be shielded away from it and for it to never be an issue again.

I never did a single thing to warrant your evident hostility towards me. I was always respectful towards you and did my best to be acceptable to have around. 

Yet you found my sweetness intolerable. I was the bane of your existence and so I eventually stopped trying and limited my acrimonious dealings with you. 

You continued lashing out though and I remember thinking if this continues I won't live past my teenage years because I will seek out an eternal solution and finally find peace and happiness by never opening my eyes again.

Three times I tried it, well four if you count not eating. I had just reached my limit. I was sick of waking up each day being afraid. 

I walked on egg shells. I stayed out late, dreading coming home each night. 

I barricaded myself in my room so much it was my own prison. It never took though, I always wondered why it never took..

I don't even feel depressed as I look back and remember this. I feel numb. I'm in a much better place where I can choose to let people in and just discard them at the drop of a hat.

It took me so long to get my smile back. It took forever to feel safe again. I won't put myself in harms way and I won't kid myself you will ever change. 

You are and always will be a bully. 

I on the other hand am special. I'm a good person and although you tried to hurt me. 

You failed because I'm still here and now you know exactly what I think of you because I won't even acknowledge we are family.

From now on consider me brotherless. I sure as hell do. Goodbye and good riddance.

Welcome to my colourful world!

Having signed up to five blogging platforms you would think i would have grasped the concept better that my first post should have been more of an introduction but I think I find talking about myself the hardest. 

I'm in my late thirties, female and from the UK. That's how vague I tend to be and not really share that much private information until much later down the road.

I find myself more comfortable with listening to others and trying to unearth what makes them tick. I don't intend to share my name. 

I like the idea of staying anonymous because I have more candor that way and I need to be able to express myself without revealing too many details and feeling vulnerable and raw.

I looked at a website just now that connects bloggers together but I don't think it's for me really. I want to stay in the shadows but also in a small way connect with likeminded people. 

I'm not going to be connecting my twitter or facebook account where I am visible to the world.

I chose the nickname Firecracker on my old blog because I can have an explosive temper but I also have this spirited side. 

Many people call me bubbly. Which at times I can be but I also prefer smaller groups or even talking on a one to one basis. I am quite used to joking around and not taking myself to seriously.

There are just many sides to my personality. This blog as you can see has more of a diary theme to it and I don't think I will be uploading photos to it at the moment. 

I just want to keep it simple, clean and different to all the clinical but stylish blogs I come across.

I am a singlet by choice and have no kids or pets. I am working on developing two book ideas that came to me and also trying to get this blog sightly noticed by a handful of people.

If you read all my posts and I will be surprised and grateful if you do, you will find some are not in the right order and that is because I copied and pasted most of them from old site.

I ended up deleting most of them and just keeping a few. There were a hundred altogether so it took a while.

I relish having my own time and space doing whatever I feel like but when I am with my friends or family I just immerse myself and have a blissful time engaging with them. 

I can swing from being overly flirtatious to absolutely indifferent. it all depends upon how I'm feeling and the company that I'm with.

I will be talking about my writing, my interpersonal relationships and how I deal with certain barriers in my life.

Contact lens products

I have been wearing hard rgp contact lenses since I was a teenager and I have a high prescription so they really help correct my vision. 

I prefer them over glasses as I have now become allergic to wearing them for long periods and this way I get to see better and wear sunglasses, weather permitting.

I grew up using Total Care for my storing and wetting solution and always found it superior compared to the cheaper brands out there. 

I make one bottle last by not changing out the solution for a few days but I clean them daily as otherwise I am stung by little invisible lashes.

I recently had a checkup and got a cleaner, protein tablets and solution from my optometrist but this time I noticed a huge difference.

Total Care has changed the brilliant winning formula they once had for the cleaner to something far less substantial, no doubt to save money.

I was looking for some contact details to get in touch with them but I couldn't see any unfortunately. 

It is like trying to clean my lenses with saline solution, absolutely ineffective. 

I wondered why I hadn't been able to see properly for days and then I realised it must be due to the cleaner being a dud.

I will now switch over to Bausch & Lomb Boston Cleaner as that is equally good and has not changed, so it is still very useful at clearing away the debris in my lens.

I didn't see that coming

It's quite strange as this will be the first Christmas in many years I've not spent with her. I don't really feel depressed just sort of a tad empty.

It's definitely for the best though as the alternative is me being on edge and probably calling an emergency cab to take me home. 

I have killer cramps at the moment so trying to just sleep late and relax as much as possible. I couldn't do that if I was away from home.

I got talking to a few guys in the same boat as me and some even asked me to join them but I could never do that. Meeting someone quickly without vetting them. 

I just don't feel that desperate need to reach out and take that risk and possibly be emotionally or physically hurt again.

I was talking to my friend tonight and just explaining how I like the idea of relationships and romance but the reality is just a trainwreck for me. 

Everyone I know has had at least one healthy normal relationship but I never did.

I don't understand why most if not all of them tried to make me feel bad about myself. I wasn't big headed. 

I may have joked that I was irrisistable but anyone that really knew me would know how I struggled with my body image and self esteem issues, so why did I always get the masqueraders?

They put on such a believable act, friendly, good manners, respectful and then the name calling and button pushing on my deepest fears would slowly begin. 

It confused my thoughts and I gave them the benefit of the doubt until it happened again. 

Toxic.

I would rather just not bother. The world can think what they like about me. I just want a quiet life and to be left alone to deal with my own dramas.

I spoke to my mum tonight and she told me matter of factly that the eldest child intends to be there for another Christmas this year so I'm not really sure how to take that. 

I assumed we would have alternate years with the family but it feels like I've been kicked out of all the festivities.

I almost said something about it but then I figured if that's the way they all want to celebrate, I'm not going to stand in the way. It is a bit of a kick in the teeth. 

To not even let me be part of the discussion but it's pretty much them always calling the shots and her being passive, so be it. I'll just have to create my own traditions and festive cheer.

She did invite me for New Years when the holiday season is almost over but I'll see how it goes. 

This year I'm still tied up with my schedule so it might end up the same way this December. No spending time with the family at all but it's starting to bother me less the more I think about it.

I am just beginning to care less and wash my hands of it all. Less fuss, no travel, my own spacious bed and my choice of goodies, which includes takeout as I am not a domestic goddess.

Waves goodbye

I gave hints and warnings and waited for you to open your eyes but you wanted to stay small and not grow and tonight/yesterday was the icing on the cake. 

Making statements and pouting and not really saying anything of significance and then running away because you're too cowardly to face me.

*Shoves you out the door, don't come back*

I kept my cool and I thought that you would appreciate that as I usually just lose it and things get tense and confrontational but I suspect I knew you weren't going to change and I was fed up caring so I was waiting for the final showdown. 

Except there was nothing but silence as you refused to talk and I got bored and left.

I am partially similar to you, but when I truly get close to someone I relax and give a little more of myself but you just give nothing but the surface and it has been months, maybe even longer, so I am not asking too much of you.

You care more about me than I do of you. I know that because you were always so certain we would never quarrel and be friends for life but I'm a realist and I kept having to explain to you that my friendships are short. I may demand a lot but I also give a great deal too.

You are stuck in a resentment loop where you just project the hurt and anger on to me but in reality on one or more of our chats you should have thought about what I was saying and even given me an explanation as to why you remain closed off.

When you look back and possibly decide to get in touch, know that it is too little to late and you should have grown a pair and faced the issue. 

None of it is easy but I did it and I am notoriously quiet with a hellish past. You think going into the harrowing details was easy for me? 

No it wasn't but I did because I felt safe and comfortable and I hoped that you would trust me someday and do the same.

Time's up though. I am no longer interested in what is going through your head. You can keep deflecting the questions directed at you but sooner or later you will lose your identity for good.

*23/1/17*

I had to open up past emails as reference to your address as I couldn't even remember yours. I was so used to hitting reply but you messaged me with empty words and nothing deeper once more so it will be relegated to the trash. 

You say that you still see us as friends and hope in the future we will talk again but don't go into details about what you're hiding and why you have never shared anything so enjoy the shallow friendships you have ahead of you, you've lost mine permanently.

Twas never meant to be.

Getting closer to completion

I've been thinking about my book a lot lately and feeling troubled by it and now I finally know the reason behind the stress. 

I'm hesitant about finishing it because I'm petrified about how it will turn out. I poured so much time and energy into it and what if it's a disappointment?

I've just written a mock up of the ending and had a brainwave about how to properly finish it. I don't want it to be stereotypical and predictable so i came up with a few ideas on how to mix it up.

I'm actually tempted to try and write backwards from now on because it seems to be coming to me easier than trying to figure out where it goes from here. 

I know what leads to the end and the actual final chapter but not how it all ties in together.

It was really satisfying to write the last chapter and I even made a slight change as to how I saw it playing out but I do love it. I can't wait until it's finally over. 

I want to go back to being a normal person who isn't rewriting dialogue of whatever I'm watching or reading.

I'm now worried about how easy it was to finish it, shouldn't it have taken longer, shouldn't it be more detailed? 

At the moment there is more to her character that I haven't delved into so I suppose when the book ends I will see potential for a sequel but that is something for the backburner I need a break from these characters.

Close yet divided

I grew up wanting a sister. I saw so many people that had loving sisters and that bond was something that I craved, someone to confide in and be myself around but it was not meant to be.

It must have been a family party where you and I first met and we just seemed to click, both shy and awkward and not really fitting in with the others we just hung out, laughed and forgot all about the utter fascade that surrounded us.

We spent time together and grew closer, we really did bond and were so alike in the way we thought and our principles. I remember the time fondly but all good things come to an end eventually. 

I didn't really understand my feelings and why I reacted the way I did until many many years later and even later than that I confided in my mum the real reason I walked away from you.

I started to feel a little bitter about always being the one to initiate contact with you and then during one of our long legendary chats you turned on me and I just never saw you in the same light again.

Why were you suddenly above me? Why was your life, your emotions superior to mine? I know that you were going through a breakup and not once did I ever say to you, ok you're boring me now or can we change the subject. 

I patiently listened to you talk but I had stuff going on with me as well.

Why couldn't you have said sorry for going on, what's happening with you? Instead you just silenced me in the most hurtful way and carried on talking. It changed everything between us.

You just triggered up all my insecurities, how I had always felt small and insignificant and that nobody cared about what I had to say. 

I get it, you were hurting but I had always been supportive of you, we boosted each other and yet now you just wanted to wallow and hear your own voice.

My issues may not have been as fraught as yours but they were important to me. I couldn't go backwards anymore, that quiet girl who looked on without a voice. 

The hurt that bubbled up to the surface each time an insult was hurled my way.

You knew about my home life, you knew how hard I struggled to find my voice and express myself and yet you were unfeeling and unapologetic. You lost me that day and I lost a friendship that I loved and cherished.

I know you didn't understand why I cut you out of my life and was so hostile towards you and if I had known that you triggered the painful memories of my past. 

I would have explained it better but back then all I knew was that you just cared about yourself and yet another person that I once held in high esteem, didn't think I was worthwhile to listen to.

The past is the past but for some time after that I did shut down again. 

I felt sad and alone and started to believe all those people that said I was a nobody but I learnt how to channel my emotions and I was able to cope again.

An abundance of betrayals, lies and indifference. Is it any wonder why I turned out prickly.

I am your equal. You are not better than me. There was just no excuse for your behaviour. 

This wasn't the first time you hogged the conversation but it was the first time you had that outburst and wouldn't let me share.

Have a nice life. I just don't want to be any part of it.

Rare normal day

My day started strangely but pleasantly, bouts of broken but deep sleep followed by the news that I was accepted to do another test. 

I tested a single bluetooth earbud in white and now that I am used to wearing it and having just broken my old bluetooth overhead headphones I wanted a full pair.

I applied for the second earbud thinking I wouldn't get it and was surprised when I was approved it's in black but that is no real importance to me.

I also ordered some more clothes to brighten and spruce my wardrobe up. Most were quite cheap so I didn't spend that much when my credit ran out just over a tenner but I had to cancel one top as I ordered the wrong size.

I can normally shop half asleep but I was trying to make sure everything was in order while qualifying for free delivery and I still didn't get it but considering the savings, I wasn't too bothered.

I tried to run a bath today to discover that my boiler is yet again on the fritz. I don't know why it keeps acting up with all the regular service checks it gets but as it is too late to call the repairers I have to wait until tomorrow morning but at least I have my heating pad to ward of the cold.

I was just cold today when I was out and about not in any great pains for once so I took the opportunity to do the things I had put off and bought my friends birthday card and did a few other things and came home without any stress or strains.

I was even smiling as this peculiar daydream entered my head. My book was popular and littered with attention and an agent arranged a meeting with me. 

She was quite direct and brash and told me in no uncertain terms that I would need to be agreeable to significant changes and one of them being that my main character that I lovingly created would now be male.....She said that I needed to be open and flexible.

I thanked her for meeting me and said maybe this initial event will lead to possibly more agents but I was not prepared to change the essence of my book and the vision I had created for anybody. 

I'm female that's why I wrote female heroines, how would I even write for a male specimen, I don't know how their warped minds work.

She said I was foolish to give up all the money offered and that I would later regret my hasty decision but again I just merely smiled and said you underestimate me. 

I have bags of charm and know how to use it. You won't be the first publisher to approach me. 

I have integrity and I stand by my book exactly how it is and with that she left and I returned back to reality.

It's a pipe dream that it would reach that famous state but it's forever going to be my baby. I like my blogging and writing style and the natural warmth it exudes. 

I've just learnt how to be honest while keeping the really personal aspects of my life hidden, utterly refreshing from the long ago girl who was clammed up and silent.

I matter.

You're a whack job!

I made an error in judgement and I was quite the catty madam until I realised I had the facts jumbled oops.

Well, as soon as I realised my mistake I sought to rectify it immediately with an admission of guilt and an apology taking full responsibility.

Even though wow I was on the receiving end of a lot of swearing which is not really pleasant but in the circumstances I can sort of understand, one person doing a 180 for no apparent reason.

I'm glad I didn't swear back now, although I wasn't really fuming just slightly miffed at having my nice evening ruined. 

I squared up and explained that I had no excuse other than getting confused and wasn't expecting anything but just to be heard.

This was not welcomed in the slightest but I still said my peace and apologised. I think by the second or third vicious sarcastic barb I was done being tolerant. 

Yes I was at fault and I was wrong, however it was a small misunderstanding. I really wasn't expecting this sort of drama.

It's one of those sad silly moments in life that happens. Who doesn't make mistakes but I'm nobody's punching bag anymore. Been there, done that, won't be abused anymore.

Take the apology, don't take the apology. To purlong the bitterness is just juvenile. 

I know you want me to crawl on my hands and knees on broken glass or split my wrists or be miserable forever grovelling but it's not going to happen.

I said I was sorry and I meant it. I explained what happened and it was unfortunate. I'm not going to carry on fighting. I walked away and moved on now. 

I did the right thing in the end. I'm fine with not being forgiven but the insults are tiresome, so carry on without an audience.

Second update. I was wrong about you. You launched an unprovoked attack on me for no reason so you are looking for any excuse to antagonise me instead of laughing it off as a stupid blunder.

In the beginning you were sweetness and light but look at you now spitting venom and making yourself out to be holier than thou while you paint me as the horrible person.

I can have my own independant thoughts and feelings. I can vent for the sake of it and see the good in others but I'm not a pushover and won't be mistreated just because the other person is thoughtless and inconsiderate to my plight.

I don't understand your agenda. If I had not apologised or just carried on with the false accusations I could understand you being angry but that didn't happen so you and your righteous attitude need to just disappear and leave me in peace.

One day you'll make a simple mistake and crave forgiveness and I hope that person gives you a taste of your own bittersweet medicine. 

Then maybe you will understand human nature. Nobody is perfect. Not even you!

Third update. You need to seek professional help. You masquerade as someone else without telling me it's you and by this time, any newcomer I see I'm wary of. You talk nicely and I am none the wiser.

Today you go around the houses and say thanks for the chat last night and it's me, like I can tell who "me" is and then you say you were offering an olive branch and I should have recognised you. I'm a psychic now am I??

Then when I'm polite but distant you are quick to go back to your poison spouting words. I'm this, I'm that, blah blah....showing your true colours.

As wrong as I was in the way I treated you at least I had the balls to face you and show you it was me. 

I apologised and spoke directly to you and made no real excuse but you thought you would mingle, hide in the shadows and that what..? I'd forgive you for being a bitch? For being thoroughly nasty and stressing me out?

You had your chance. You could have said look, I'm bitter and I need some time and then perhaps later on we can talk but no you just went into full persecution mode even after I walked away.

Did you realise how much of a dick you were? Did you miss the fun, the way I made you laugh? Did you fear rejection so think you would weedle your way back? 

You're psychotic and noone is going to put up with your bullshit attitude.

I wash my hands of you. Karma sucks doesn't it?!

You suck the joy out of everyone around you!

You bring people down. You make everything about you. There is no silver lining. You wait for people to cheer you up and you whine endlessly on without being proactive. 

Killjoys are an utter nightmare to be around. As bad as my life is, I can still disengage from it, to charm, tease, care and listen to others.

I don't walk into a room and bore someone with my life story and problems. I tend to just keep it light and playful.

Why can't you do the same? Make some small talk. Share an interesting fact. I don't want to hear about your love life, your trust issues or your loneliness. 

I have my own dramas that I am smart enough and nice enough to keep to myself.

Everybody else will try to make the best of a difficult situation but you just milk it and thrive on the attention. Do you think it makes you stand out as being unique? 

I have news for you, it really doesn't. In fact you come across as a sad individual with no self help skills.

Stop talking so much, try listening better and for goodness sake do something about your inconsequential existing issues because frankly you are really starting to irritate me and for now I'm basically stuck in the same circle as you.

False accusations and obstacles

Like I said before, you can't utter "I was just joking" to get you out of a sticky confrontational situation. I haven't misled you in any way. I've answered everything but the personal questions. 

I've been consistent and communicative but I've also never pandered to your ego or attention-seeking.

If you have low self esteem, work on yourself. I've done it and feel better for it. I will not be the one to boost your feelings of self worth. I have a line that can't be crossed or played with and you massacred it again. 

I let you of the hook the first time because I was in a generous mood but when you just did it again for no reason than your pride being dented, I took a stand and told you exactly how wrong you are.

Between the two of us, you can easily be replaced but me, good luck with that. 

For over half my life I got treated like crap from nearly everyone around me and yet today I don't take nonsense from anybody and I'm always sought out.

Requested and respected despite my massive mouthy ego because I love myself and have integrity. You ought to try it out sometime.

Unless you make a grand gesture, you're going to have one hell of a miserable week without me.

I don't have the time or inclination to molly coddle you. I have my own issues. 

Today I thought that I could just get on, pretend I'm not sick and get things done but no I realised that I could barely function again and even though I'm trying to be healthier and lose some weight not all. 

I figured out that was yet again the reason I couldn't function again today. I overdid it and at the time it seemed routine and bearable but I know different.

Rest hasn't helped. The intensity is beginning to happen faster so that I can only manage small tasks at once. It's getting worse not better and there is no cure or magic pill to fix it.

I deal with all of that on a daily basis and yet I can still crack a joke and hold a conversation without making it all about me or making myself out to be a sad case. 

I don't even mention that I'm ill, I may just indicate when certain questions are asked because I'm not going to lie but neither am I going to launch into my life story.

It's personal, it affects me but I have other stuff that defines me too, being sick is only half of it. 

I see you're still licking your wounds and sulking, well carry on, if you think I'm going to make it easy and meet you halfway... Think again!

This time you have got to go out of your comfort zone and reassure me that you're not in fact a jackass but somebody that is insensitive at times and willing to overcome being an imbecile.

I'm trying to be responsible at the moment and do something that isn't required but it is the right thing to do but I keep getting blocked at every turn.

Attempt one, unavailable. Attempt 2 littered with someone else's errors. 

Attempt 3 I have just made and will see if they reply so I can cross it off my list. I'm trying and yet there is just no way to do my part. 

I don't want to be selfish but I'm running out of ideas. Actually I have one last resource.

Certain things should just be straightforward. I've done a great job with it but it doesn't seem to matter.

I can't stop yawning. The stress is wiping me out.

Brow beaten

I'm hoping the blog after this one will be more cheery as I have been venting quite a bit lately but it all helps me to cleanse my soul and purge out the negativity so I guess I shall continue blogging good or bad and hope for less stress and irritations coming my way.

I just got in not to long ago and had an idyllic lunch with my mum. It's been a while since I saw her as she was away on holiday.

We had a strained relationship for a while as she blamed me for my brother's behaviour and protected him to everyone's detriment but now she doesn't anymore and I don't feel the bitterness I once did. 

I am my own person and will take responsibility for my actions but noone elses.

She had a toasted egg sandwich and I had a toasted chicken salad panini it was delicious. 

I also bought a chicken and avocado baguette for tonight but I'm still stuffed so I may leave it for tomorrow. 

I also bought some soothers cough sweets because every other word seems to result in a coughing fit. 

I keep meaning to get a recommendation from the chemist but maybe tomorrow I'll find the time.

My last splurge was a triple bounty. I needed an energy surge and some calorific goodness. I haven't had one in years but I saw it as I was topping up my oyster card and just had to have it. 

I've just eaten one bar and will save the rest for some other time which is unusual as whenever there is chocolate or sweets indoors it is a magnet for my tummy and will not last a day.

I normally leave my beauty treatments for the weekend but I thought I would just do them today. I nair'd my arms, epilated my legs and had my brows done twice..

The first time my usual salon was busy so I popped into a nearby alternative with the worst customer service ever - that should have told me something but I was eager to sort my brows out.

I figured maybe the actual treatment would be satisfactory and hopefully this time she wouldn't spill wax over my hair and clothing..

So much for second chances. This experience was my worst to date. First they ignore my custom for a good five minutes and then she unshapes my brows.

They looked like two comical bananas but that was nothing compared to what she did to my neck. 

She didn't bother to recline the chair back so I was basically snapping my head back while she held it in place and inwardly screaming and cursing because it bloody hurt.

Finally I just walked out and said that's enough my neck was killing me, she was butchering my brows and I wanted to head to my usual place before she snapped my neck off. 

Z****t salon must just hire incompetent beauticians because she didn't know what the hell she was doing.

I headed to my usual place that had cleared up and the beauty therapist immediately just corrected and shaped my brows and did a fantastic job of restoring them. 

They cost a few pounds more but sometimes experience and good customer service beats thriftiness.

Verbal food abuse

Thinking back I can pinpoint the first time I realised I had a problem with food. 

My parents kept calling me greedy for snacking and so I would sneak into the kitchen and gorge a little, not to much but enough to satisfy my appetite. 

That by itself doesn't seem that bad but it must have affected me because when I had a sleepover at my cousins house, I did the same thing snuck into the kitchen while everyone was out and had a snack.

This time however I was caught and I panicked. My aunt looked at me softly and said "You are allowed to eat, you know." 

It didn't feel that way and I felt so foolish because she was right and so my life long battle with food began.

I always wished I was good enough for my parents to accept me as I was. 

When I asked my mum why she called me names and made me feel bad for being hungry her excuse was that she wanted to motivate me to lose weight.

When I went down to a size 12 and she suspected I wasn't eating then she began to worry and monitered me during meal times. 

If I felt like vegging out she would say the same thing again "Watch out you'll get fat again." There was no pleasing her with this issue.

She learn't her lesson though when I finally spoke up and said it wasn't ok to say those things to me and because of that it makes me eat more not less and then starve myself. 

Now she doesn't say anything and I appreciate that because I will forever be the yo-yo dieter.

I remember walking into a room while a party was going on and hearing laughter with the words "Look at my fat daughter." I didn't cry, speak up or look in that direction. I simply got up left the room and felt my heart break into a million little pieces.

I don't hate my parents although from time to time I may still complain. I just disliked some of the parenting techniques that were just horrendous.

I suffered from bouts of depression and contemplated suicide but some of that was to do with being bullied by my brothers who kept threatening me but I suppose my parents thought it was just sibling rivalry or angst.

I however was scared out of my mind and when I finally moved into my own place. I severed all contact with them.

I remember only wanting peace and quiet and a safe haven to call my own. I think that's why hardly anyone knows my address just selected friends and family.

I could never understand why they were so popular and loved. They were both junkies, verbal abusers and psychopaths behind closed doors. (That's the reason I have never nor will ever try drugs). 

Yet everyone always asked me about them and seemed so shocked when I said I no longer interact with them so should they wish to be updated on their live's they would need to contact them directly.

Maybe being honest, reliable, considerate and well mannered doesn't mean anything anymore..

The thing I hate is that I learned that negative mentality from them and it stuck with me all through my extreme dieting. 

I would put myself down constantly in order to lose weight, telling myself that I was unattractive and dumb and that nobody really liked me but after a while that was too much of a toll on me.

Growing up with a childhood like mine definitely put me off relationships and having kids. 

I think that is why I'm content now not to put myself out there and rush to be hurt. I've been through enough now. 

I tried so hard to be a better person, someone that would be liked but it was just never adequate.

I love and accept myself now and whoever doesn't...needs to look inwards instead of projecting their low self worth onto me.

Spin/rotate or pulsating face brushes

I'm thinking about investing in one of those face brushes because although my skin is mostly clear with minimal breakouts, it goes through stages of being really dry or severely oily and I also have a few acne scars too.

I've been watching a few youtube reviews and tutorials and I've actually seen a few I could have applied to try at a reduced price but those ones weren't the type I was after. 

I figure I will hedge my bets and get a multi head attachment device with at least one sponge incase the brush is too soft or too hard and then I'll have a backup.

The vibration types make you do all the work and I'm not quite sure how deeply they penetrate the skin, so I think I will pick the rotating spin brushes because you can see that they make the effort to cleanse the face thoroughly and take the effort out of using it.

Also I will make sure to get a rechargeable one as there is no way I shall be wasting money buying batteries every two seconds and dipping into my budget. 

If I get a waterproof style then I can take it in the shower and it might be great as an overall skin exfoliant.

There is quite a few scattered around Ebay and Amazon but I'm not going to be spending more than £15 on mine as they are competitively priced and it's not something I desperately need.

I just want to try it if it's beneficial plus it will be like getting a facial at home when it massages my face.

**Update** I've been using my cheap and cheerful face brush that I purchased on Amazon and my skin has been so smooth that I actually forgot to apply moisturiser for the last few days. 

My face is glowing and if I didn't have blemish scars it would look as though I was wearing foundation, so I'm really pleased that I chose this model.

The heads I find take ages to dry so I switch between them but my favourite is the firmer brush that deeply cleans my pores. 

It's lightweight and comfortable to hold and I can rest it on the stand provided. I never linked to my review because my name was on it but I've changed it so here is the link for anyone curious..

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Cleansing-Electric-Rotation-Waterproof-Exfoliator/dp/B01KHUI9R8?ref=pf_ov_at_pdctrvw_dp 

It's just a regular link, not an affiliate, for the purpose of seeing the type of brush I bought and reading the review :)

Quirky TLC (fiction)

After a long tough day you are just getting in now. You feel frustrated and peeved but at no one in particular you're just to tired to care at this point. 

I as your platonic friend will help you to unwind and yes I know I didn't need to mention that we are platonic but I did anyway to bust your hump, see you are already smiling and I have only just begun to wield my magic.

Why don't you hop in the shower like a funky kangaroo and wash this miserable day away. 

Let the water cascade over you and just close your eyes and immerse yourself in the incense sticks I have left burning in the bathroom. 

I have put out fresh towels already and the scent of those will melt your troubles away. Breathe in those intoxicating aromas but don't fall asleep just yet, there is more to unfold.
 
I have also been cooking. I got the recipe from my mother who you know is a wonderful cook and she talked me through it as we made it together. 

Stop making that gagging face and queasy look, she fully supervised and I did not get creative and try to add a flourish with some hokey ingredients of my own. 

Be grateful you little dodo or I'll close the kitchen down and your stomach will continue rumbling all night long.

You can produce a better smile than that, dig deeper, show me some teeth. 

That's better, now for goodness go shower because frankly you stink and if I open up any more windows, burglars might think we are having an open house!

While you are de-funkafying in the shower. I shall continue setting everything up because now that you are here we can chill out together. 

I'm going to switch off all the bright main lights and turn on the dimmer lamps instead to get you in the mood for a deep slumber and to stop you straining your goofy but grateful eyes. 

I'm also going to slip a dvd into the machine and set it up for when we are ready to eat.
 
You remember that movie, the one where the husband is poisoned by the scorned wifey.. seemed appropriate somehow...

*Muffles my sinister chuckling with a cushion* I look up to see a blank but sightly maniacal expression on your face and I think to myself...let the games begin.

My face turns sombre as I realise we really do need to have a serious discussion, something is clearly on your mind and has been bothering you for a while. 

I sit down next to you on the sofa now that you're finally out of the bathroom and not in fact decomposing in there, shove your arm playfully and say Talk to me.

I look deep into your eyes and fully concentrate my attention on you and only you. 

I can sense you hesitate but before I can prod you any further, you let out a long sigh and begin to tell me all your woes. 

Your face crumples and your shoulders slump as you unburden yourself. Things that you have bottled up for ages now flow freely from your lips. 

All the while I maintain eye contact with you and reassure you that I will listen for as long as it takes and that I'll always be here for you, no matter what.

After everything has been said and you are completely vulnerable and emotionally drained. 

I put my arm around your back and gently sweep it up and down in a soothing motion while you have your eyes closed with your head in your hands. 

Everything is going to work out, it's just going to take a bit of time, for now there is nothing more you can do. 

You are more resilient than you think, you've been trying to deal with all of it by yourself, but you're only human. 

Together you and I will go through it and talk some more and maybe even come up with a plan of action but for tonight, let everything go and just be free from it.

Your stomach grumbles ferociously and we both grin, the tension is broken and I head to the kitchen to get the food from the oven. I bring back a tray filled with culinary goodies. 

Chicken fajita pasta, decorated with green peppers, olives, a light drizzle of cheese sauce, succulent mouthwatering tandoori chicken strips and finally some diced spring onions.

I set it down on the table and place yours in front of you while I go back to the kitchen for the drinks. 

I've chilled a few bottles of shloer pink fizz/apple & blackberry punch.

There is also some chunky coleslaw and a caesar salad with dressing. I know I'm spoiling you right?

Why do some guys do that?

Yesterday I was running down my phone and then had switched it off to charge it and completely forgot about it so before I went to sleep, I took it off the charger, switched it on and checked for any random/significant messages.

I found one by an unknown number, using my real name and asking how I was, mentioning that he and I had engaged in a chat via line messenger (which I don't have installed and have never used before).

Actually scrap that, having just reread the message, he meant online, not *line messenger* it was the way he phrased it. 

The only messenger I use is whatsapp anyway. As I was saying before I rudely interrupted myself, was that I didn't recognise his number or name and wondered why after a significant time lapse you would reconnect with someone and expect them to remember you.

I have had a lot of guys do that over the years and I don't get it. Are they that bored to seek out a former brief acquaintance? 

Why do some men collect numbers like souvenirs, they disappear, don't intiate contact, a month or more flies by and after the first week they are immediately forgotten by me, so whoever contacts me after that I add to my block list.

I need that constant flowing banter, unless someone says, they're going quiet for a little while or they are away or something so I know beforehand they aren't ignoring or feeling indifferent towards the interaction.

I just don't want to feel like I'm constantly re-aquainting myself instead of progressing and talking about life, jokes, problems, good tidings.

I am not here to relieve a guys boredom or entertain him at a quiet moment. 

I like the mutual give and take of getting to know someone, where both parties are sharing funny anecdotes and ideologies. That is equal and noone is doing all of the work. 

I find it insulting frankly, I'm not good enough for him to chat to on a regular basis, but whenever he's bored, I'm suddenly his good pal.

There is another huge difference between the way men and women interact also. For me personally I'll mention something that happened during my day, a friend I saw, a troublesome matter or just a simple occurrence.

Whereas nearly all of the men I have spoken to via text/messenger always have the same opening greeting *hi, how are you?*

Why must I do all the work? That never fails to bore me to tears. I would never constantly text a female friend and just say *How are you?* She would wring my neck.

I always offer some tidbit of my day, juicy or otherwise. Is a little effort to much to ask to ask for?

White noise

I was listening to a no-talking asmr video and it just left me feeling really relaxed and then I decided to open up my wattpad story and see if I felt inspired, well no sooner had I clicked on the chapter the words just started flowing and ideas were resurfacing.

I can't listen to music or hear talking as that is too distracting while I'm concentrating but soothing sounds are just the perfect noises to get me de-stressed and creative.

I've actually just finished the chapter I was struggling with and seemed to have blocked myself into. 

I am explaining more of her back story and now will have to set up another betrayal or two, bring the villain out of hiding and finalise the different confrontations and then book one will finally be finished.

I am going to finish it before the year is out. I am going to crack on with book number two and make a dent in it. 

Lastly from somewhere inwards I am going to find the courage to share it after it is done and let the world love or hate it, These are my goals. I can do it. I will do it.

It pays to flirt

I had a bit of a rocky start this morning when I discovered to my horror that my oyster card had jumped ship from the safety of my cocoon handbag to somewhere else.

 I was rushing out to get the bus and thought I had just left it carelessly on the bed as I had tipped out my bag earlier to make sure all the essentials were packed.

I did an about turn when I found out it wasn't in the front pocket of my bag and quickly did a mini search as I had already missed my bus and the next one wasn't due for a good ten minutes but it was frustratingly nowhere to be found.

There was nothing I could do and I hoped the driver would take pity on my few bits of cash that I had in my purse.

Last time I had to pay £3 and I had just under that amount or a £20 note which I didn't think he would accept either.

Then I discovered that cash was no longer accepted and i just had to swipe a card against the machine which cost only £1.50. 

I'm not sure how they went backwards on that but at least I got my bus and wasn't embarrassingly kicked off.

The journey home was much easier as the machine on the bus wasn't even working so saved another few quid. 

Then I got home and really checked everywhere I could think of, my kitchen, my bathroom, my other bags, even my bed but alas either someone stole my card or it fell out of a zipped pocket.

I called up London Transport with low hopes that they would help me and the first woman I spoke to, did in fact think I was a child and wanted to charge me £10 for a new card.

Then I explained I was in fact an adult and she transferred me to a man who had a very deep sexy voice.

I played the frazzled overwhelmed victim to a tee and no fee was ever mentioned. 

In fact he went out of his way to explain the process while laughing hysterically about my naivety in not knowing that buses no longer accepted cash payments. 

Afterwards he remarked that I was the nicest person he had ever spoken to in his whole career working at London Underground. I then thanked him, wished him well and disconnected.

My shiny oyster card should be received within a week and the money will be transferred, which is a relief as there was just over £20 registered on it. 

The really strange thing is I had just given away my spare oyster card to my mum who said she wanted it for guests and then she found an old oyster card today so she will be returning my spare.

The day could have been much worse but I'm grateful that it wasn't.

*A little update (18/8/16)*  I've already received the replacement oyster card that was sent first class delivery. 

I assumed it would be standard as he said within a week It should arrive and not only did he include a complimentary wallet for my card.

He also paid the £5 new card deposit fee for me, so basically the man saved me £15 plus the cost of a protective case. 

It may not seem like much but to me it's these random acts of kindness by strangers that make the world go round.

You are my escape

From cheesy soap operas to lively tunes, when I've had a bad day they're just what I need to get me back on track and feeling less low. 

I hoped to have another long blissful sleep again tonight but the stomach cramps just won't let up at all so I think I'm gonna continue my Beauty And The Beast marathon until the pain subsides.

Life is so burdensome that there are times when I wish I could have this giant sleep and be unaware and unconscious for a few days just to get my bearings back.

Also to have a break from the pains, discomfort, constant stress and insomnia. I hate feeling tired all the time and close to emotionally breaking.  

I wish I was stronger, roboticish. I wouldn't want to be totally numb, been there - done that and that was ten times worse somehow.

I catch up on my soaps and all the unrealistic dramas and wonder if I'll ever achieve that level of greatness. How can I possibly write about love, when I doubt I'll ever experience it. 

Will my readers be fooled into thinking I'm writing about past experiences or will they see through the charade and think..  "She is blatantly unqualified to write..."

I am both physically and emotionally broken. Physically, well that's beyond repair but emotionally, I just keep trying to fight the feelings of despair and hopelessness. 

To be lost in some soap opera world is a breath of fresh air. Those minutes where I'm not haunted and my body is totally relaxed, why can't I maintain that same control and composure when the pain washes over me spreading everywhere? 

Why dammit?

Who am I trying to kid? I am not nearly as tough as I make out I am. I'm weak and despondent and tonight. . I just feel lost..