Dear bully 2

I have something to say to you and unfortunately because of your aggressive tone and temperament I am too afraid of you and all men, to say it to your face.

I don't like you. I may even hate you and wish you great personal harm. You never think about how your words and actions impact anyone around you.

Crumbs, what I would give to have absolutely no conscience whatsoever. I think about what I say and do constantly. All you have ever cared about is yourself.

Now you think you have this free pass because you've just been formally diagnosed? I don't give a damn. You are selfish and rude and I live in fear because of the male role models in my life.

From time to time maintenance workers or someone from the gas company needs access to my place and I just hold my breath until the moment they leave.

I cannot relax or feel safe when someone I don't know visits. That isn't normal is it? One time, there was actually two of them because normally it is just one person (typically male).

When they said, we need access to your room for blah blah. I can't even remember, some radiator check. I all but freaked out.

My eyes widened so much, they almost popped out. I wanted to say no, even though they were nice as pie, so I just stood outside the room and held the door open and they did whatever they did and it was fast and painless.

Inwards I was a mess and freaking out completely. I actually feel sorry for them because they have to look into a woman's eyes and know they are causing her to be afraid.

Well I can't speak for anyone else but I still feel nervous. Luckily nowadays there are very few visits and those that are necessary are done by the same person, it makes it more bearable.

I am sick of thinking about you and hearing about your screw ups. I have no compassion for you. From everything you have done, you got off lightly.

Imagine readers, someone that screams and threatens, everytime something isn't immediately done or if you dare disagree with them.

Not only that but if not done to satisfaction, the manner gets increasingly dangerous. I would love to cut you off completely but I am forced to celebrate some holidays with you.

You know what the really messed up thing is? When my own mama said.... Oh he doesn't hold a grudge for you not speaking to him, you should forgive him and don't let it ruin the celebrations.

How the hell am I the bad and unreasonable one for merely wanting to protect myself? Ugh!! I'm done putting your thoughtless needs above my own.

She maybe willing to be a doormat but not me, not anymore. I deserved better and still do. It is like being around poison and no I am not expecting her to cut ties.

I would never ask her to do that but she damn well shouldn't expect me to be hurt again. I wish she would toughen up and deal with it better and I am sick of fighting her battles and getting the backlash from it.

Here's what I want to say to you. You deserve nothing. Noone owes you a damn thing. Try for once in your life to do the right thing.

Take responsibility for your own nonsense. Apologise once in a while when you make mistakes and use your tiny insignificant brain to think before you act.

Mull it over and say to yourself. Hmmm I need to do blah blah, how can I achieve this without stressing the family and making their lives worse??

Let's list your crimes and put it in perspective.

1. Stealing from me and mama.

Going into my room and taking the little cash I possessed and then using mama's cards and buying tons of goods, like computers and such so that mama was in debt and forced to take out loans and struggled to pay the bills.

2. Taking drugs.

Which resulted in late night parties until 3am. Threatening behaviour towards me and mama. Police raids and fines, of which I like an idiot paid once.

3. Straining and dissolving my relationship with my mama.

When I was kicked out. Everything was strained. I don't know how I became the bad apple? It was all my fault apparently and I resented that.

It took a while to repair it and even longer to get an apology but I didn't even want that. I wanted an explanation. I didn't really get one.

I just knew I didn't have any armour on and so took on the hatred and anger that should have been directed elsewhere.

I remember when the policewoman came and talked to me and I was just crying and I wanted to say please save us. Please take him away and lock him up but I couldn't.

One reason was fear of retaliation and the second was I don't think my mama would have ever forgiven me. She protected the monster and didn't save me.

Do you have any idea how humiliating it is to go to a police station and wait and be judged like you're the criminal? When, if you're someone like me, has never broken the law.

Just an addition for the curious among you. He has never paid back the money. Never apologised and meant it. Never atoned.

I think that is what irks me. If someone behaved badly and then made amends with sincerity, that is a different story but it is as though someone has crowned him King of Fools.

In his head he must think he is perfect. That is the way he acts. I think the hardest thing apart from the fear was losing all the ways to express myself.

It took me years to unravel all the pain and suffering that was in my head. I had so much I wanted to deal with but I didn't know how to do it vocally or even in writing.

I just got angry and frustrated and retreated from the world. It all just swirled in my head and there was no escape from it, with my family there was no freedom.

My home, my sanctuary, there is control and peace and my own identity. I get to put myself first because noone else did. I get to be safe from harm.

I get to be happy and sad and angry, I get to do what I want and if it's wrong, I am not reluctant to say, I did that. I'm sorry because I am grown up.

I am responsible and even though the post I will reference wasn't the first I ever wrote, it felt like my first expression. It was unwritten in my head but I knew someday I would let all the grief out.

It wrote itself like so much of my fiction does and it was surprisingly quick. I was writing it in between the tears because I was basically saying..

Hello world. This is me. I didn't get to speak a lot or know myself or what I wanted out of life but here I am. Back then I was just a young girl and now I am a mature woman.

Do you know what it's like to be forbidden from communicating so much that it disappears and you have to relearn it? 

It might be dark to some as other pieces of my writing are but to me it's what I survived.

It's a dissected part of me that nobody sees or hears about. I am happy and proud that I got back my ability to share. 

Thank you for reading my blog and I know that there is only a small portion of my posts that are cheery but these are my experiences.

I hope none of you ever feel as alone as I did or still do sometimes..

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2017/08/if-im-not-me-who-am-i.html

February musings

I've just heard from Bzz and looks like I will get my sample of eye drops either this week or next as it's been posted, finally. 

I could do with them actually as my eyes are dry and yesterday they were quite irritable. 

I am down to my last saline bottle and shopped around and made an offer on Ebay and got a 3x for £10 deal which was accepted.

That is so unusual because sellers list make an offer but 99% off the time, they reject reasonable bids in favour of greed but this time, maybe the person was in a good mood, so yay :)

Else I would be stuck as it is scarce at the moment. I need a clothy thick heavy headband but I haven't seen many that will stay in place.

There are some yoga types but I am not paying £4+ for a lousy headband. I've tried out the Aromatherapy Associates lip balm and it is moisturising but it doesn't prevent chapping.

It is just effective in the moment but not overnight. On to the next brand, when it finishes. I have to start thinking about Mother's Day.

I usually just do a gift basket, maybe I will do drinks, nibbles and a gritty book as she likes mystery or thrillers, as long as it isn't part of a series.

She has enough beauty stuff and scents and she adored the perfumed lotions that I bought her for Christmas. They smell divine and are long lasting. 

I really hope she manages to get her shower sorted soon.

We are now at the same point where it's a strain to get in and out of the bathtub but soon after I moved in, I bought a cute lil wooden step thing that really helps.

I might browse Eden, the Christian bookstore. As long as my order is a tenner, the postage is free. I've bought a few things using Paypal for mama and haven't had any issues.

Ooh they have book lights. That's a possibility but I think she already has a few lamps. There isn't that much choice but for someone religious, it's a cute theme in their gifts.

In the past I've bought notebooks, bookmarks, pens, books. Ooh I just remembered she loves those wildlife documentaries.

I might add those to the basket too. I haven't logged in to Duolingo for a while but I did recently. I was trying to learn German again.

I thought about learning Italian and Spanish too but I can't seem to keep my interest. I will do it for a while and then it gets too difficult.

I keep mixing it up and getting it wrong. It is a fun way to learn with hearing the pronunciations and seeing it written but I have so much taking focus at the moment.

Mistplay and game tips

I've done a lil bit more research and have made a few new discoveries so I thought I would start a new post. 

A lot of this information is found within the game or on social media but for those who just want these summarised, here goes..  

Randomly or it could be relegated to holidays, there are Mistplay codes to be found on the social media pages. There was one listed for Valentines Day for example.

I think these are for avatars but if you are lucky, I think you may get some bonus units too. I followed them both on Twitter and Facebook as I don't really check the pages that often, so now I have a lil reminder.

I didn't realise that each user is unique and has games tailor made for them on their account. I find that a lil disappointing, maybe it is a space issue?

I would have preferred to search for a game that I liked and then be rewarded for it. I can't speak for anyone else but my attention is drawn towards the highest earning games, whether I enjoy playing them or not.

I currently have nine games installed and the only one I relish playing is Scrabble Go but I periodically play them to cash out quickly.

My balance is already at 3563 and I just need 4200 to redeem for my Amazon voucher. I have a feeling I will put it towards a Mother's Day gift.

I just downloaded Bingo Blitz as you can earn three and a half units and the maximum is four. For once there isn't an abundance of adverts cluttering up the pages.

I would have thought automatic dab for the bingo cards would be present or maybe I have to unlock it at a higher rank but it is manual at the moment, which is so tedious.

I am not enjoying it at all but there is a slot feature which has autoplay so I can leave that running while I do other things.

Keep an eye out for the pop up which says you have gone up a level and collected units because then you can switch games.

There is a time limit for collecting units so move on to different games to carry on collecting so that you can redeem more easily.

Raid Shadow Legends lets you collect four units which is the maximum. It is not my type of game to be honest but again it helps to level me up quickly and has autoplay for the battles.

When you first load it up, there is about five or six in game pop ups that even if you disable, still display. Too frustrating when you want to get on.

It's one of those interactive multi, roleplay games. Pick someone as your mascot and then battle endlessly. The costumes bit is perplexing because it is sooo complex.

There are two rankings which is ridiculous. There is a star system which goes up to five or six and then there is a verbal one which is common, uncommon, rare, epic, legendary.

I haven't figured it out yet. There are artifacts (costumes), which are common (the lowest rank) but at four stars. What the hell does this mean?

Does the common rank, migrate higher to uncommon? Am I supposed to be concentrating on the stars or the words? Help?!

I think they should have explained it a lot clearer. Plus there are all these artifacts with abbreviated skills, which mean what exactly??? 

There is only a basic list and for the others, what am I supposed to do, guess??? Not very well thought out, with these games, there are lots of freebies though. 

Promotions for regular play and levelling up. I don't believe in paying for ingame perks, so I don't do that but my champ is stuck as she isn't powerful enough to progress..

It is really difficult to get someone tough enough to be a worthy opponent and progress higher up the chain. 

Another issue that which bugs me is when you autoplay the battles, it is only sped up in x2.

It is too slow, some of these battles take over five minutes and I am stuck waiting for it to be over, zzzz snooze fest. It should be x4 or x5.

The next game is Board Kings which is simple enough. Again when you first start it, there are four or five popups that you have to tediously click off to begin.

It's just a board game that you progress through. You roll the dice and proceed. It's just like monopoly. Rebuilding or buying houses.

There are even cards which give you money or gems. The only other thing you do is participate in the mini games and jump aboard a train to steal from other players boards.

It doesn't hold my interest but it does pay three and a half units so it is worth having just to expedite your units. 

Dice Dreams is worth the maximum 4 units and is very similar to Board Kings, minus the board. I just roll the dice and buy kingdoms.

Sometimes it will land on attack and then you pull a slingshot to land on a random persons property and steal their bounty. 

Even if they have shields up, you get a portion, which makes me wonder, what is the point of having shields??

If I have no spins left, I just look and use up my coins to buy kingdoms because the next time I login, a huge chunk of money is always missing.

Let's move on to Coin Master which is similar to the above, building villages and spinning a slot machine. It starts with five ingame popups, despite disabling notifications.

What really annoys me is at the last of your spins, sometimes they have promotions, like floating balloons to click on to get more coins or spins but because the popups come up on the last spin, you lose the promotion.

Grrr, frustrates me to no end. Again I advise you, despite owning shields, spend out your coins before you exit the game because on your return you will be lucky to have any of it remaining.

Looney Tunes World of Mayhem. Hmm it's cute but overwhelming, there is a lot of options and I think it's overkill. 

There shouldn't be that much but I guess the goal is to keep you there for a long time.

Some of the actions are limited, which helps. The goal is to collect pieces of the characters until they are fully formed and then put them into battle to collect coins and various props to level them up and make them stronger.

You get constantly rewarded so even if the energy is depleting, various things will just help to refill it. I tend to save my gems to open the crates before they get stolen.

I haven't verified it but at the moment, I am neither opening nor assigning my crates until I can afford to open them and they don't seem to disappear or get stolen by other gamers..

There are dozens of toons so I would concentrate on your top ones to improve their skills first and that way, you won't be stuck and you'll be earning an abundance of goodies.

The battles do have autoplay but I am not sure you get a perfect score when you do that. 

The reason to get it, is to be able to replay the level for lots more goodies.

The good thing about this game is that it doesn't have adverts unless you choose to watch them in exchange for gems.

Best Fiends is a puzzle game where you have to press and hold the screen to form a cluster. Not so keen because you never get the full group just a partial.

I don't connect this to Facebook and it still saves my progress. This doesn't really have popups or ads unless you want to earn more stuff.

It's just basically collecting friends and completing puzzles in a fixed amount of moves. It's good at first but then I lose interest because it's repetitive.

It is worth three and a half units, hence why I downloaded it. Also you should be aware that after you have collected your maximum points, you are free to uninstall the game and those points remain.

Now on to my favourite game on the list. Scrabble Go. There is a choice to play solo or with random people around the world which is nifty.

There are tournaments and various other games for rewards. I think what they should have done instead of every action, displaying an advert, they should have kept running them at the bottom or top of the screen.

There is enough room for them and it would be less aggravating to not lose a whole minute trying to click off a long advert and not being able to do so.

I should point out that unless you are playing a Duel game, which is a mini head to head. Lasting merely five rounds with forty seconds to have your turn.

Most other games are played at leisure. You can see who is online and respond quickly and have a full match, assuming your opponent has the time or like me, you can take your time and have the match last a few days.

There is the option to block or favourite players. I hate those people that make two or three letter words and bunch/overlap the board so it doesn't spread out.

I like making long words so that you have so many options for words. Yes it is a strategic game to maximise points but there is no need to constantly be on the offensive and make it difficult for the other person.

I tend to block and quit those games because they are not enjoyable. I also tend to get messages on the chat side, from male players but because I have linked it to Facebook and my personal information is there.

I don't engage with them. I am not obligated to chat or flirt and some male participants, don't understand that. If it was banter about the game itself, then I might respond.

I would like to find a balance between a competitive player and someone that spreads out the board. I can't find it. 

Either a player is so relaxed, they don't even try to win or they are super in the zone and don't make it fun with two letter words.

I have some repeat matches but I keep winning them and need a challenge. 

It's a lil weird that common words are sometimes not accepted but odd words are...

I am so bad at the duel games. I mostly lose those because I don't play smart. 

I spread out the board but the leisure games, I take my time and play more craftily snapping up the triple and double letter words but I also offer them to my opponents too.

I'm glad they have the option to switch letters because sometimes it is all vowels or constonants and all you do is watch an advert to get different letters and then you can play your turn.

You can also skip your turn and watch your statistics grow on your page.

Crazy self therapy 4

I lay out on the bed with my legs resting against the wall in front of me. My hair spills out over my shoulders. My mind is racing. 

Who says I need to be happy all the time or that I have to be something that I am not?

Let's have a chat, just me and you, totally confidential. What is new with you?

Stress but that is nothing new for me. It has been an awful week. My whole body locked up and every action was painful. I decided to take time out from everything and look after myself.

I'm trying go to bed earlier even though, I hate sleeping. Each time I have to shuffle forwards and backwards constantly and adjust to get into a position that isn't causing me pain.

The shiatsu massager, didn't help like it usually does but each day seems to get a lil easier. 

I sleep with headphones on every night. I never used to but now I try and block out all the thoughts and sounds that make me nervous.

That's why I purchase them so often because they snap and break. There is a morning trigger which I avoid because it turns my insides out.

I don't think it's being in the dark that scares me. It's the nightmares. It just brings me back to being a wreck. This feeling of helplessness washes over me and I can't shake it.

More bad dreams abound as the tension keeps piling up.This entire weekend I have been trying to unwind and relax and I keep getting pulled into things.

Today ugh. Why does my mama keep telling me things she know's will irritate the hell out of me? It truly messes with my head for ages.

Her son, that I barely tolerate just flatly informed her last night, he applied for a position, disclosed his criminal record and the potential employer said oh well fiddle dee dee.

We don't want your bank details, no no no. We will take your mama's instead! That seems totally screwed up. Red flags everywhere.

Sometimes I want to wash my hands of them all. She constantly lets him get away with murder and does **** all about it and complains to me.

You know what, mama dearest. Do something about it for once. I used to take the blame for all his bad behaviour. Actually, no, scrap that.

You used to blame me for his abhorrent ways. He took drugs, my fault, he ran up debts in your name, my fault. He used your credit cards, my fault.

He keeps doing the same selfish crap, over and over and still she says nothing!!!! Today I hate them all. I am not the parent or the sister.

I got my own disasters to deal with. Ffs!! Not a damn thing ever changes, except she has stopped blaming me for it. Hello?!!

Earth to mama, I never stole from you. I never did drugs. I never threatened you. I was never close to attacking you. I never got in trouble with the police.

All my life I've been hearing about his colossal messes. I am so sick of it. She's going to the bank and will sort it out from there but crikey, put your bloody foot down.

She would rather just stress about it and then pass it on to me. Ugh! I really don't need this. I am just trying to exist in my safe lil bubble.

I got thinking last night about another reason I no longer take painkillers. When I had them in ready supply, they weren't all that effective.

I knew that I would need stronger and more toxic prescriptions and didn't want that. I wondered about my low points and how I had grabbed them and thought I could cure all my problems in one go...

Is that one of the reasons I no longer have them in my home? SInce I moved here. The only thing I did was stop eating. I managed to resume with the help of a friend, who wasn't really a friend.

It's funny how certain people are convenient when they want to be and then turn on you, when you feel vulnerable and frightened.

I used him as a crutch. He was a good listener. I will give him that, when noone else was but he was a compulsive liar and an emotional manipulator.

I lost all respect for him when I found out what a chicken he was. I have my faults but I'm brave and honest. I cut him out of my life and never looked back.

A lot of things can't be changed so I will just carry on and do my part. I will continue blogging, listening to asmr and try and get more sleep.

Now for the positive. I've been accepted into a new trial for eye drops from Bzz. They seem to go, in and out of business regularly but if it actually arrives then great.

The Mistplay application is going really well. It seems monthly I will be receiving Amazon vouchers and a few of the games have autoplay which is handy.

I got my second one with no issues, the day after I claimed it. I got the spare set of headphones, pillowcases and my essential oils the next day after I ordered them.

Very efficient for free postage. Amazon offered me Prime for a week but as I wouldn't be making any more large orders for a while, I skipped it.

I spotted a Refinery lip balm from Aromatherapy Associates for £2.50 so I bought it but I don't know if it will help with the chapping.

I am just trying out different brands to find something effective. I should probably pay more but if I do and it doesn't work, it will bug me so much that I wasted money on it.

Tears of a clowner (Crazy self therapy 3)

The day started off well. I realised I had 4200 points in my Mistplay account and could use that to get my second £10 Amazon giftcard.

It goes through a process where it checks it out and then you get approved or denied. I switch between two phones and set one to charge and use the other.

I was playing on three but my Honor phone cannot handle the games so I ceased. 

I know my head is screwed up when I put my melancholy playlist on and feel the music. My family relationships are so messed up.

Someone was asking me some personal questions and I started bawling my eyes out. I wish for embarrassment sake that I could say it was tiny short weeping but it wasn't.

These were heavy emotional tears. I tell myself to grow up, get over it, let it not affect me but the truth is, it was a massive part of my life and it all culminated together.

I was dealing with diagnosis after diagnosis. I was trying to cope with being a teenager and socialising and doing other things normal kids do.

I was failing at letting the verbal abuse and threats from my family wash over me. Those words and actions cut me deeply. 

I should have been carefree and enjoying life but there was so much misery to contend with.

I was a sick girl looking after a sick family member and still I could do no right.

How was I supposed to deal with being told to keep constantly quiet? 

I wanted to scream, somebody hear me. Listen to my pain. Somebody please save me from this hellish life.

How was I going to cope with being told I was untrustworthy?

How dare you accuse me of that. I am the good daughter. I don't lie or steal like they do. I have done nothing but take your abuse and cruelty and still I tried to keep you company and care for you.

Why do you relish picking on me??

How on earth do I live each day with chronic pain, PTSD, nightmares, panic attacks and emotional scars?

The reality of my situation is, I hate closing my eyes and falling asleep. I stay up for as late as I can bear it to avoid being haunted.

I woke up abruptly this morning after having a nightmare and it shook me. I couldn't close my eyes after that, I was too afraid.

I don't know how I manage to get out of bed each day but I do.

How do I function out in the world as a sick person?

People are pushing me to go out daily and be normal. Tell me how the hell to do that? I walk and there is pain. 

I use my hands and there is pain. I bend and there is pain. I stand and there is pain and I sit and guess what? Incredible pain.

Have I tried seeing my GP?

The first thing I do is retell them for the hundredth time what happened to me and after talking, reliving and being back in that shattering head space..

I break down and get told there is nothing that they could for me because I am obviously exaggerating and medically I am healed.

Oh and I should lose weight. Oh and I should go back on antidepressants and painkillers and pop pills for the rest of my life.

No sodding help whatsoever, so no I haven't bothered with them for decades and I did my own research and helped my damn self.

I found out about hot/cold gel packs. I found out about healing binaural beats on Youtube. I discovered the shiatsu cushion massagers.

I was the one that discovered blogging as an outlet. I don't want to pop pills and be an addict, like them. I am my own support system.

I hate feeling stuck because these things happened way back when but it shaped me. 

I remember everything and each time it transports me back to the scared girl I was who battled each day for survival.

It was endless and I couldn't see how it would get better, The thought of dying brought me so much comfort. How was that the norm???

I stopped eating. I overdosed. I collapsed over and over. I kept hitting my head and yet I lived. 

What a colossal joke that instead of getting better, suddenly there were new injuries and now lifelong physical and emotional aches.

I wanted to wrap this post up in a positive way but I can't. Today is a bad day and tomorrow may improve but not by much.