#BlogLife633 - Crazy Self Therapy 8 - Split body personality? 18+

Song of the day - Faouzia/John Legend - Minefields

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P12elIHd2e8&list=WL&index=41

Hey Doc I feel different as though I'm just now awakened or aware of something. 

Maybe it's the same for everyone who has admitted what they've been through in the past and brought it out into the open so it lives and breathes and becomes real.

Instead of hidden and pseudo forgotten as though it happened but it didn't and the weight of it had been dismissed for so long that it held no power until now..

One of the randoms inadvertently addressed it. I get called boring and weird because I don't always flirt back or welcome being touched.

And it always tends to annoy me because aside from that side of the things, I can be amusing or intellectual or interesting but that doesn't seem to matter or get acknowledged.

It's not the same for everyone but during my cycle I may get spicy feelings.

I've read steamy stories because it's not my genre it's easier to follow and not re-write, although these still seem to be targeted at men.

There are no prolonged details or much emotion affixed to them.

I've had very flirty chats and some are romanticised and some are amusing or more realistic than others.

But there is always this split personality quarreling inside or saying I should be solely this side or that.

Let's break them apart, the intellectual, the productive, the responsible one we will call SS.

The more daring, more romantic, more mingly side, we will call Fem.

I can have a smart conversation and my brain feels satisfied and that my time has not been wasted.

But maybe something is missing? The same goes with a light or deeper flirty get together.

I definitely eventually miss my mind being stimulated. That's so strange.

I had a dual interaction which is rare. He wasn't disrespectful, just seemed a bit troubled, D let's call him.

I wouldn't say he was depressed and monopolising the conversation, he seemed very intelligent and kind really.

It was only a short chat but I enjoyed it. He was lightly flirtatious but then so was I.

I don't normally enjoy playing therapist but he was easy to talk too.

I think I helped in a small way and I don't often get those interactions that cater to the brain and the body.

I feel like a pretender, as though I swept everything under the carpet and just told myself I was okay.

Crazy self therapy has definitely helped address these issues that I buried deep inside.

I don't know how much of this to share, a woman's sexuality just seems like a taboo subject still.

I think if you grow up normal and have standard relationships, than it's easy to migrate to a physical and cope with it.

If you're someone like me though, who grew up thinking there was something wrong with myself, who had this constant target on my back, from others telling me I didn't measure up..

To their standard of beauty or intelligence or popularity, it messes with your head and confidence.

I have dreams and fantasies and those are great for fiction, most don't go into story-form but snippets might.

But still the thought of being physical with a man, puts me into a state of panic.

I think I've realised it's not so much nerves, it's definitely fear of being in a situation that I'm not in control of.

That part of me, when I'm not hormonal, feels dead. My body is just shut down and I trace it back to the 17yr old me.

I don't know how to get passed it and I'm not sure I want too.

But I'm still a woman and not flirting back, doesn't take that away.

Me, again your ever faithful Doc. I don't always comment on your sessions but for this one I wanted too.

You know this already but I'm going to say it again. You know why they call you dull and uninteresting?

You're strong willed and don't just go with the flow, you speak your mind and some men can't handle that.

They don't want to look internally and fix what might be wrong, so they lash out at you, out of frustration and blame you for their failings.

As for what you went through in your past and still struggle with today, I hate to repeat myself but it is perfectly normal.

People deal with things in their own way, using different methods.

You don't have a supportive network so you didn't get to vent about it, you didn't get to cry it out and be raw and comforted.

You had to keep it hidden and just paper over it and pretend to heal in order to move forwards.

Now you have the time to air it out and it's still going to take time to confront all that has happened.

But I truly believe eventually you will feel better and get to a place where you'll never quite forget it but neither will it have a stranglehold on you as intensely as before.

Keep being brave and talking about all the things you couldn't.

Trust your instincts, always be comfortable and aware of your surroundings and if you have to leave, know that, it's not because you are a coward, it's because you're strong enough to do what's best to not endure more toxicity.

#BlogLife632 - Ghost? He said/She said..

Song of the day - Faouzia - My Heart's Grave

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScU5mOlAyvY&list=WL&index=40

It's been an interesting weekend. Perceptions were a lil off. There were two new randoms and both had great voices which is unusual to find one I like.

A few days later I bumped into them again, one completely ignored me which was a lil strange but then I recalled some of the conversation towards the end and he was going Yep, yep, yep as though he wasn't listening.

Which bugged me a lil but mostly I let it wash over me as it was late. After that things seemed fine, we chatted about anything and everything.

Had a laugh and then said goodnight and I told him I wouldn't use his number again because he didn't say I could.

He seemed surprised by that but didn't argue, he could have said, well call me tomorrow or next week but instead he said alright.

I assumed it was a one off chat and then I saw him in the room and he didn't greet me so I shrugged and left.

The next one was really funny because he's such a womaniser, he didn't even recognise my nickname.

He gave the exact same speech introduction and I ripped him apart for it, ha I was cruel.

But I'm used to being remembered, anyway I jogged his memory, he hadn't replied to my text and so I was going to give it a few more days and then block him.

But he said I didn't reply to him and then his messages to me couldn't be delivered.

Now here is what happened because both of them have been blocked now.

I turned off RCS Chats because I thought, hang on, what if there is a charge? 

Then I googled it and felt reassured and switched it back on but now I realise, in the time it was off..

He had probably been replying to me but it failed and I don't think they attempted redelivery because he then said, they could no longer be sent to me.

It didn't matter that I had re-activated it, people will just wrongfully assumed, they've been ghosted.

I've now completely switched it off because it's buggy. Why would it not just keep trying to deliver the message?

Anyway that matter was cleared up and we stayed to talk further but I realised that, I actually didn't want to talk to him again.

He's just too obsessed with flirting and trying to get me to engage and I just kept saying no or deflecting, it gets really dull after a while.

It kinda made me face up to something else, that a part of me is switched off for a reason.

It's to do with my past and what happened and there is that same mental block of I'll say some things, I'll do some things..

But I won't say that and I won't do that.

Trying to be manipulated into doing something that makes me uncomfortable is just unappealing.

There are reasons behind everything and if someone doesn't get it, then I will move on to someone that does.

I just got back, well a lil while ago really. I am exhausted, bloated, hungry and full all at the same time.

I just kept feeling crampy and sicky and I wanted to double over from the cramps or cancel but I couldn't really.

I was running late, I had to keep playing the anti nausea so I could function and the buses were delayed so that made it worse.

But I made it and picked up some pakoras for me and Mama and some sweets for me.

He kept wanting to add more and I was like Noo, stop because I knew I couldn't eat that much of it, though it is delicious.

The cucumber raita is far too spicy, I burned my tongue, it wasn't bad for £15, I thought it would be more.

The pedicure was £25 and I had the triple leg massage, soap, scrub and cream. It's supposed to be foot as well but she didn't do that bit ha.

We didn't do the lunch thing because I was running late and I'm kinda glad because I just wanted to get home and rest.

Oh I bought this orange ramune drink from the sushi place, it's a weird contraption to open it.

I searched youtube and you need a flat surface to pop it open. I picked orange and it's fizzy but a weak taste of fanta.

I quite enjoyed that it seemed to have less sugar. Oh I asked when the brow lady is returning and the reply was maybe in a few months, ugh :(

#BlogLife631 - Chromebook finally has a restart woop!!!

Song of the day - Wafia - Heartburn

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=290ds--GJtk&list=WL&index=39

I think it was with the last Chromebook software update it happened. It doesn't show up when I press the power button..

But when I click on the menu and toggle that power button, restart comes up as an option, it's so satisfying to see it.

I was going to call this one a jumbo mistake but I had already given it a long title.

A very strange but funny thing has just happened, I literally double checked the website and my email just to make sure I hadn't made the error.

At 11.30am my jumbo bath towel arrived and it looked huge. I thought hmm, when they said jumbo they mean't it.

But then I thought I have a feeling, they put more than one towel inside.

It's just supposed to be one, I didn't order extra and when I opened it, 4x jumbo towels are included.

I'm pretty happy to get extra freebies and if they've made a mistake, I'm not returning the excess.

They do feel soft, I hate that it was only a silver shade left, I wanted purple to match the others.

But even though it's not thick, quite thin actually, it's still a good size and for £7.91 and getting 4x instead of 1 towel, I'm pleased.

Maybe they had excess stock to get rid off? Who knows what the reason is.

I just realised that it's better that it's not dense, I strain my muscles so easily with heavy objects so it's a blessing in disguise.

I just spoke to Mama and the pedicures are still on for Tuesday plus she asked for one of the towels and I'm glad because I don't need 4.

So I shall bring that to her. I can't wait. I still feel off but I think this will help with my low mood.

Argh I'm so vex, as I said before, during December I desperately wanted my brows done but she was always too busy.

Now I've finally booked for tomorrow and she's on bloody holiday, ffs.

There's not really other places that do wax, it's mainly now threading which I hate because my face is cut up in shreds, bleeding away.

Everywhere just seems so far and I'm just constantly tired. Plus something else just bothered me.

Out of the blue, one acquaintance asked if I had spoken to G, the one that had no issue using racist slurs casually with friends.

And I said no, I don't want to associate with someone like that. It angered me because we had this whole long discussion about it.

Why the hell are you bringing it up now? Did G put you up to it or were you just thoughtless by yourself??

Am I suddenly supposed to ignore it and be okay that someone's casually racist.

I feel like I'm expected bury my feelings and not make a big deal out of it.

Plus I have to admit when he found out I had a blog and just stated Oh I'm going to start reading instead of asking, if I was alright with it......

I didn't like that either. I know it's a public anonymous blog but I deal with a lot of very personal issues.

We don't have a deep friendship, I don't want to be asked about things that I've gone through.

Thankfully he hasn't brought it up but if he did, I would tell him, I don't want to discuss it.

This blog is for everyone but specifically targeted at females that can relate better to it.

It's like an open diary, granted not all posts are that private but a lot of them are.

I don't care about strangers that I don't know reading it, lapping it up, sharing it..

L reads it, but she's female, she doesn't judge, she just tries to understand and she might ask a follow up question, which I don't mind clarifying.

But men seem to judge or misunderstand or tell me, how to feel, instead of reading, accepting and thinking ok, well I might deal with this in a healthier way but this is her process and I'm fine with it.

I don't want a friendship/acquaintanceship to be elevated, when I haven't initiated that level of trust myself.

It also feels one-sided. here I am pouring my guts into my writing, he's discovering all about me but I don't know the same about him.

If I'm honest, I don't wish to know. I like it as it stands a shallow companionship.

That's what works for me because he has a way of invading my personal space and irritating me.

#BlogLife630 - The random man with a plan

I had a late night, well I guess it's normal for me. I probably didn't sleep until about 5am and woke up at lunchtime.

I had a chat, well two chats with some randoms and one of them moved on to a phone chat until about 3am..

I thought it was going to be short and sour but he did have a nice voice and it was entertaining.

I kept asking if he wanted to go to sleep and he said, umm five more minutes haha.

A strange thing happened when I tried to call him back last night after I took off my lenses.

His number disappeared from my recent calls. I couldn't work it out, until I turned back the wifi on and his number re-appeared lie magic. Weird!!

Then this morning he said he;s not happy because he had an early start and a long day ahead.

 

I said it served him right for keeping me up. We've been texting all day but it's a distraction.

Actually I'm just now feeling better, suddenly I just felt really sicky and I had the anti nausea on for a few hours until it stopped.

Oh I updated my phone's text application and it activated something called RCS Chats.

I turned it off in case there is a charge but apparently if you use it on wifi it's free.

It's basically a modern version of texts, that turn it into more of a instant messaging service.

You can see if the reply has been read, apparently you can see if someone is typing and it does appear to be smoother.

I don't know what happens if you start a text with it on and then turn it off.

Does that mean you won't receive replies until it's switched back on?

I mean I tend to switch my wifi off in the late evenings but I still want to send and receive texts, sometimes calls don't even work when the wifi off.

Meh I turned it back on. Actually I was supposed to do this update months ago but I wasn't sure I wanted it.

Texts have been acting up for a while though, they tend to fail a lot more even in good reception so I thought I might as well see if there is any improvements.

#BlogLife629 - Trying to kid myself I'm well

I've been staring at this blank page for hours. I was going to make it a Chatty Chicks but I didn't think I had enough material.

I began window shopping and listening to music instead. I got the face wash and found a reasonable bath towel so I'm happy about that.

I didn't want to pay too much, my stomach is still delicate but I don't feel as sicky as yesterday, food seems to be settling fine but I can't believe I'm missing my toasties, weird.

Last night was so windy but it seems to have settled down now, it's getting a bit milder which worries me as that is usually when the snow hits.

I like the orange juice but it sits so heavy, I don't know whether to get more or stick with the squash..

I don't know whether or not to risk a big supermarket shop? Am I upto it? I guess I will give it another few days and see how I feel.

I seem to be getting a lot of spam twitter followers. I don't know why they're targeting me.

But it's usually nude photos on the profile or a link to webcams or some other nonsense.

It's getting a bit tougher to tell now though, now they are liking my posts and making it less obvious, so I'm confused as to who is real and who is unsavoury??

Youtube is also acting weird as is Ebay, very buggy. Ebay loads but has difficulty showing results and letting you click on the settings.

Youtube keeps stop starting until I put the playlist on the lowest quality setting then it's fine.

But when I go to play a single video, like when someone I've subscribed to has just uploaded a video and I set it to the highest quality, it plays fine.

Strange!

 

#BlogLife628 - Hand holding

I'm not really a touchy-feely person. I have done the public display of affection and not felt embarrassed.

I went with the flow but I think nowadays I would be way more hesitant or maybe if I was ever in a mutual sort of bubble love, I might try it out.

Anyway the reason for the title, is I just spoke to Mama and invited her for the massage and pedicures and I was really hoping she would say Yes.

Which she has because she wanted it done also, plus she invited a friend which I'm really not bothered about.

But I feel like I will pull it together and find some energy reserves if I have to meet someone, instead of relying on myself to get out of bed.

That is tentatively set for next Tuesday and I think I'll get the veggy pakoras to try out and see if I still enjoy them too and maybe some ladoos.

I've only had breakfast cheese toasties and a snack of crisps and a lil mini sponge cake from this morning and I still feel stuffed.

I did enjoy last nights wings, even though they were small and the sum amount of 3. I probably did overcook them a lil.

Oh I have to epilate my legs and if I remember I have to try out the new lippy.

Hmm, no no no, the lippy is lighter than I thought it was, not happy with it.

I'm extra exhausted because the idiot bus driver, didn't stop at my requested place just carried on grr, I was soo irritated.

It is quite windy and drizzly today but I layered up so it was just about bearable.

I didn't feel like browsing and hardly any stalls were there in the market as the weather is so bad.

I gave myself a mini manicure too as they look long but needed shaping.

I might chop them short again, they are different lengths ha. My stomach has finally stopped churning after listening to the anti nausea videos.

#BlogLife627 - One food for the rest of my life?

Song of the day - Sister Sledge - Frankie

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKTgA5d3pXM

This song came to me last night and I'm surprised I remembered to look it up on Youtube, I didn't remember the lyrics but a 12yr old and a 15yr old? Highly disturbing..

I'm wondering what I'll eat when I grow weary of cheese toasties?

I don't fancy chicken or beef or salmon or cod. Maybe eggs? I don't want nutella or peanut butter or jam.

I am leaning towards something savoury. My throat is a lil tender. I've sprinkled some lemon and peppermint essential oils on my pillow for tonight.

Maybe it will help? I'm just waiting for my phone to charge so I can go to bed, it's just past midnight.

I've paid my bills, done some work and I'm still concerned that I don't feel better.

The monthly has stopped again but the cramps remain. Ugh. Even the randoms aren't about, I could have done with a distraction.

What would you pick, if there was only one dish available to you forever?

Some favour, multi layered feasts, like pizza or lasagne.. Others like it simple, maybe a quiche or a pie?

It doesn't even have to be savoury, it could be sweet..? I think I'll eventually replace my heavy hair towel with a lighter one.

It almost seems like a waste to bin it but it is hurting my hands and arms to hold it.

I also want to get a spare set of slippers and maybe some trousers.

Oh I finally figured out the colour of the trousers I ordered from Yours.

I'm disappointed they sent me gold instead of silver and a longer length than I requested.

It's still cute but I should have received exactly what I ordered. I don't even know what foods I like anymore.

How long is this going to last? Now I've gone off lemonade also.

I think on Tuesday I'm going to either try french fries and something or sushi.

I have a discount so if I bin it, at least I'm not wasting money. My back is paining me off and on also.

I almost feel like sleep but I'm not tired, just totally depleted of energy and motivation.

People keep telling me to have hot drinks but I bought some fresh orange and clementine juice drinks and I think that is helping.

My back is improving and so is my throat. It didn't seem like the essential oils were helping at first but they are.

Oh I tried out Mama's massage thingy mat that I got her, it's surprisingly good.

With the heat and the multiple all body settings, I mainly went for the lower back as that where my pain was.

It was quite a bargain, I'm glad I kept looking for the rollerball and the heat features, it was definitely worth it.

#BlogLife626 - Butter me up

I don't know if it's the hormones or being unsettled that's depressing me but each day is a challenge to get started.

I feel like I'm being toyed with. One minute I'm on the road to recovery and the next, it's three steps backwards.

I forgot to get fresh fruit juice as that was something I was enjoying and I don't usually purchase it that often.

I'm craving things I don't consume and the things that were my favourites, I push aside.

At the moment I want butter for my sandwiches and I haven't bought that for decades.

I use it when I'm at Mama's or out in a cafe/restaurant but not at home and I don't miss it but all of a sudden I want it.

I don't understand these peculiar needs. It doesn't seem rational. I stopped using butter because I felt like I had to adjust my diet as much as I could.

Exercise is not safe. I feel like I've permanently damaged my arms, when I lift them up, there is this excruciating pain still.

That's been present for months now. A gentle workout is preferred, although I'm not sure it does anything but get my heart rate up.

But I keep hurting myself, whether it's my back, my legs, my feet. It's offputting.

My body is just too delicate so I prefer to keep tweaking my eating habits and the weight is steadily downsizing.

Although truth be told, ideally I should lose another 2/3 stones to be really healthy.

That's the amount I have already lost, as I've gone down 2/3 dress sizes and that's how I measure it.

I'm not obsessed, I'm not crash dieting, I'm not cutting out snacks. I'm just trying to find a good balance.

The Burt Bees lip balm has this pleasant sweet minty scent. I don't mind it.

It's soft enough to get on the tip of my finger, but not runny or gloopy.

It applies easily but I wouldn't recommend it. As soon as I stop using it, it ceases any benefits.

My lips go back to being dry and chapping and as with my balms, they are only effective upon continued usage, once you stop, it stops.

Oh I did go ahead and trim my hair and it's really short but tidy. That helped my mood because it's minor pampering and although I want to head to the salon, I don't have the energy.

#BlogLife625 - Three week period

Sometimes I feel like I'm never going to stop bleeding. My cycle has always been weird and unpredictable but this is ridiculous.

I thought it was finally normalising like everyone else, consisting of just a few days..

But now it's back to the beginning where it lasted nearly two frigging weeks!

I thought with the weightloss that it would help impede the flow and symptoms but if anything I feel worse.

My appetite is still different. Never before have I just wanted bland simple food. I crave variety.

I feel like what I used to like before has no place in my tum now. The only meal I enjoy is the breakfast cheese toasties.

For dinner I switch between fish or meat or chicken but it just doesn't taste good anymore.

I'm just tired of feeling this way. I just did another mini Zoom shop as I feel like if I buy a whole load of food to make up the minimum spend I'm going to waste it.

I got some more cheese and bread, toothpaste and wipes and then the lunch deal with sushi and some sprite.

At least I only have to spend £15. I'm binging an old show which never appealed to me when it was first aired.

But now I'm enjoying it. Dr Quinn Medicine Woman. Set in the 60's I think where she faces prejudice as a female and a physician.

It's interesting the remedies she uses and of course the love interest that follows.

I feel my mood shifting where I don't want to do anything or get out of bed but I push myself anyway as I know it will help.

I know that I'm not always going to feel out of sorts, it will pass and improve.

At least there's been minimal nausea and I'm still sleeping deeply which is a rare positive as an insomniac.

#BlogLife624 - Faux gentlemen

Good evening, although by the time you read this on Monday, it could be morning or even the afternoon.

At the moment it is 9.35pm on a Friday night. It was a late-ish start, I slept alright eventually, I just didn't want to get up.

I didn't even realise it was Friday, I thought it was Thursday but another weekend is upon us and we all hopefully get to have a nice break.

I put the lemon lip balm in the microwave again, this time for a minute as it's just too hard and it helped, it's a lil bit softer now.

It's alright, a tiny bit moisturising but nothing amazing and because of the disgusting wax scent, I wouldn't recommend it or purchase it again.

I'm still waiting on the Burt Bees one and I hope that's softer and a better quality.

Oh the rest of the Christmas presents were soft thermal silky socks, a mini giftset of lotion, shower gel and shampoo and another one with a conditioner, shampoo and shower gel.

Oh and the Dove body butter which I love, it's the Pro Age one and it's great for dry skin while also having a lovely scent.

My bloatedness has finally gone and my appetite continues fluctuating.

I haven't seen MC yet, maybe he's away. I'm sure I'll bump into him at some point.

But I did get chatting to M, a fellow scrabbler and he seemed fun and entertaining until we transferred onto a phone chat.

As usual I witheld my number 141, in the UK. It was late and maybe he was just tired as I was.

I assumed it was going to be a short chat but he didn't seem like he was in a hurry to stop talking.

However I still had my lenses on and the laptop and I wanted to be as comfortable as he was.

I dropped hints that I would love to just switch off and get relaxed and he seemed quite angry at the suggestion.

I found that utterly bewildering. Lots of time, guys will say, do you mind if we take a break so I can make a cuppa, have a cigarette or take the pets out.

I have no problem with it at all and just call them back in 5 or 10 minutes, providing I'm still awake or still enjoying the banter.

But his whole tone changed and he said, why can't you do that, after we've finished talking?

In the end I got fed up and said I'll call you back in 5 minutes and he was really so snarky.

You would think I had asked him for money or something outrageous, bloody hell.

I was miffed at him, I didn't bother to ring him back, just went to bed, if someone doesn't give you consideration, they are not worth your time!

#BlogLife623 - Appetite returning slowly

I'm settling back home nicely and even sleeping well, last night was a bit up and down only because I didn't want to sleep through the alarm.

But overall big blocks of sleep are very welcome considering I still feel delicate.

I told myself the minute I can stand two meals in one day, is when I would do an Iceland order and it happened yesterday.

I had the sushi leftovers, which I'm so glad Ocado Zoom have extended the meal deal offer, 1 main to pay for and 2 sides free, aka snack and a drink.

It was supposed to end in December but didn't or maybe they forgot to remove it.

Anyway I enjoyed that and in the evening wanted something else but I kept it light and had some chicken dumplings.

Then my stomach was really painful for the evening and the Iceland order is due anytime now.

I really fancy cheese toasties, all warm and easy to prepare. I've gone off hot chocolate and hot drinks but coffee is tempting..

Although nope, sticking to orange juice with bits included, it's refreshing.

I just packed the shopping away, made a single cheese toastie and that filled me right me up.

Oh I decided to get some lip balms, now that I'm home. Blend Collective Sicilian lemon 10ml for £3.

Never heard of that brand. Plus Burt Bees 7g Overnight Treatment reduced from £7.50 to £3.71.

My lips are dry and chapped so thought I would try some different brands, I've not found anything I've loved.

The Technic lip one between a gloss and a balm isn't too bad, I would go back to that or continue trying out other stuff, I'm not sure.

Lastly I saw another purple gloss that I decided to get Smashbox After Dark for £6, not cheap at all, but looks good.

Ooh the lemon lip balm arrived today at 2pm. Not as lemony as I had hoped, it's really tough to remove.

The smell is waxy so not that pleasant but it seems moisturising, although a very small tub.

I would have preferred it to be softer, easier to scoop out and a more pleasant fragrance but maybe it will last a long time.

#BlogLife622 - Home of the hungerless

Let's take a break from song of the day for a bit. I got home around 3pmish and it was already dark.

There is a bit of falling frost and I plead that it won't take and continue falling heavily.

I don't have the energy to wrestle and walk in the snow. My home was freezing, normally it's warm but maybe I left the temperature too low.

I got my heating blankie on high and turned the heating up but at nearly 5pm it's still icy.

I'm still on my monthly, still have cramps and bloating and food is a strange concept to me still but I got some chicken sushi, sandwiches, dumplings and noodles in case it appeals.

Simple small meals. I literally had two pieces of chicken sushi and was full but I had the third just to have a substantial meal because I'm not sure I want anything else for the day.

Ocado has this Glaceau smart water drink as part of the meal deal option and fizzies didn't appeal so I tried it.

It's fine, not fizzy, no bitterness or after taste, no caffeine and a few sips of that was all I needed.

Everything else can be for the week ahead, I should have got bread and cheese and fruit juice but I forgot.

I'll head out tomorrow and see I can pick some up. Oh I found my spare right lens, thankfully.

I thought I had a whole spare set but no, just the right one, I have no backups at all now.

At least I can see properly. I should make an appointment to get another set but the thought of trekking that far is too challenging.

I remembered to change my toothbrush head, I'm surprised my toothbrush lasted that long without dying.

Oh two things, one the Marks and Spencer's mist, the nozzle has started sticking, so it's harder to pump now.

I have to keep pulling it up, very annoying and I realised what was drying my mouth out.

I didn't realise you aren't supposed to use the Corsodyl mouthwash close to the toothpaste, use them a few hours apart.

I stopped doing that one after the other and now, no more dryness.

I would love to sleep now but I will try to have an early one instead.

Me and Mama were constantly falling asleep in the daytime. I am glad to be home, I can just bypass meals and not be held accountable now.

It was a great break away but we both enjoy our own space, our own music and shows and I got the chance to unwind and not feel overwhelmed.

Even though we were both quite poorly and still are struggling. It's going to be heaven, going back to laying out instead of sitting up.

I must get out the massager for my back one of these days....

#BlogLife621 - I'm now a non foodie

How are you doing? I do hope the break was revitalising. I'm hoping the worst of the pmt has passed.

This morning, had a few hours of sleep but the night was extremely painful crampages.

I had to google some remedies, hot drinks were recommended as were clary sage oil and lavender essential oils.

I think I still have clary sage at home. I didn't really fancy hot chocolate so as weird as this sounds I made plain hot water and sipped that and then balanced it on my tum tum.

I could have put vimto or orange juice inside the cup but it just had no appeal.

I seem to only like the simple basics currently, ready salted crisps, egg toasties, water etc but not fish, beef or chicken.

I even tried to have some poppadom pieces for breakfast but they were too flavourful and upset my belly.

At least Mama's almost fully mended now, just the lethargy continues.

She's integrating back into her routine slowly. It makes me laugh that she's told everyone about her covid status.

That's something I would probably keep private. Regarding the cramps, what finally helped aside from the hot water, heating blankie on my stomach..

Was rest and listening to binaural beats videos, specifically targeted at menstrual cramps and periods.

It's still peculiar to not have a craving. I don't feel like the foodie I am.

My brain is like, eat a proper meal and my tum is saying, I can't handle it and I don't want to waste any food.

I had been looking forward to the fizzy drinks and the savoury dishes and Mama's been patient and asking what I would like.

And all I can say is nothing, I'm eating to survive but that's it. I guess I'm slightly worried that when I'm normal again, I might limit my meals for weight loss but I hope not.

I'm already overall consuming less food and snacking routinely but still dropping the pounds and stones.

But food and me have been through a lot so I will have to keep an eye out.

Usually because I only eat what I'm in the mood for and have learned to appreciate that and without the enjoyment, I question why I bother?

I know for sure I'm fed up with being constantly full as though I've swallowed a basketball.

I want to go back to savouring my treats and general meals. It's only 11.17pm on a Friday night and suddenly I'm not tired.

I am enjoying this film though with Jane Seymour, Perfectly Prudence.

A comedy, a reunited love interest and being pushed out of your comfort zone.

It's old but entertaining. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully a better one.

It surprises me that Mama has no sushi, italian or mexican restaurant choices nearby.

I mean the authentic stuff, not the experimental versions and she's now into pasta ha.

She used to hate it, well possibly not loathe it but she didn't find it appealing.

I guess we all change from time to time. I'm still not sure when to leave, could be this weekend or Monday at the latest.

On Saturday I started to feel a lot more human, meals seemed more bearable.

I had a greek salad with olives and lemon drizzle that tasted great, plus some french fries and one chicken wing, ha.

I just wanted side dishes, no mains. Today, Sunday night, well Monday really as it's 1.17am..

I went back to being bloated, cramping and lots of physical pain, my lower back was in agony. Ugh!!

As it was the last day though I didn't want to hole up in the guest room with a soothing heated blankie, I opted to stay and keep Mama company.

We watched reruns of Keeping Up Appearances and laughed at the lunatic situations she got herself in.

I'm annoyed with myself as although I had a great rest, I stood up to re-align my right lens that was in the wrong position.

Normally I cup my hand to catch it or just lean back on the bed,and blink or move my eyes around to  rectify it..

But nope I stood in front of the mirror, it fell somewhere and we couldn't retrieve it, grr.

So I am only wearing one lens, I hope I have a spare at home. It feels blurry.

I don't feel like doing a huge Iceland shop so maybe a mini Zoom is better until I feel hungrier.

#BlogLife620 - Don't take on everyone's stress

Song of the day - Kenrock & Amrita - Carry Me Away

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WneC4vGvCSw&list=WL&index=35

I'm not saying ignore someone that is troubled and experiencing difficulties..

I mean, empathise, listen, support and offer advice if they ask for it..

But don't let it drown your mood completely.

I'm sure you have problems of your own that need to be addressed right?

Tasks that you need to focus on, without being infected with someone else's angry, sad or frustrated mood.

It probably sounds selfish and uncaring but I've learned to detach and not become infected with their unhappiness because we all face challenges and overcome them eventually. 

Prior to this when I cared too much, it became all about them and solving their issues instead of working on my own and continuing to be productive. 

Don't you find it becomes draining? I bring this up because somebody mentions a mutual acquaintance.

The recurring theme is that the third party is struggling but hasn't divulged that to me because we don't have that type of relationship..

But I hear about it, in vague terms, not gossip just in a round about manner.

But I've stopped acknowledging it because it doesn't seem for my ears.

Plus there's nothing I can do about it and at some point one must help oneself.

Nobody is a Superhero than can endlessly listen and not become depressed themselves.

That's just my take on it, your opinion maybe different and even if I don't agree I respect it.

Me and Mama are still muddling through, she was sick today unfortunately but seems better now.

I advised her to lie down for a bit and sip liquids slowly but she had a lot to do and will hopefully get a good rest tonight that will aid her recovery.

t's 12.43am and I don't feel tired but that's nothing new. My stomach still continues rejecting mealtimes. 

The sum total of breakfast/lunch was an egg sandwich. I don't even fancy fizzy drinks anymore grr.

Just orange juice. Then dinner, if you can call it that, was a mix of a few plain poppadoms, some bombay mix, a packet of crisps and two miniature snickers.

Again no hunger pangs, just trying to keep my tum tum satisfied so it's not empty.

When this bloated feeling goes down, perhaps I will return to normal?

When I'm back home next week, no more weekend posts and back to daytime publishing and not midnight.

But for now, I will play it by ear, if I have something to say, I'll post, if not, will rest from the pmt nightmare!

When I sprinkle the essential oil on my pillow, I do tend to get a better sleep.

I have no idea what to order from Iceland as I'm not craving anything..

#BlogLife619 - I'm a fussy houseguest

Song of the day - Kiegs & XplicitMevon - Attraction

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1P01TvLwAzk&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=2

I don't know if I'm repeating these Song titles but I can't be bothered to check.

The last thing I feel like doing is blogging with pmt steadily getting worse, nausea, cramps, bloating and still a loss of appetite.

I just eat for the sake of munching at meal times, although the Cofresh snack is tasty as is Mama's general cooking.

I felt so off today I opted to eat the salmon alone and then added half an avocado to it.

It was full of flavour but I just keep wanting to lay down, at least I had two good sleeps in a row which helped.

How is this already the 4th January? A second ago it was December and Christmas..

There's so much appetising food around but the thought of eating it, turns my stomach.

I've never been this off food before. Maybe it's because I'm not at home?

There I would grab something simple, like cheese toasties,  soup, fruit or raw veggies and make a meal out of it.

Mama's side still doesn't have Ocado Zoom but a workaround for £15 is One Stop.

It arrived within about twenty minutes on Just Eat. I had no sanitary towels as I forgot to put them in my bag.

I bought Kipling's lemon slices, half of which I gave away to Mama for her coffee morning as my stomach can't seem to fancy anything ughhh!!

Then lunch of one chicken sandwich and one beef. I feel guilty that she's bought so many treats and dishes for me and yet I don't have any cravings for them

I sent her some money as compensation and a treat as that's the only way she keeps it and doesn't hand it back to me.

Oh she admitted that the Mama's Day breakfast or lunch didn't arrive. 

I would have chased it up if she told me but she fibbed and said it wasn't appealing.

Strange, I wish she had divulged that, I could have made other arrangements.

It wasn't the only surprise but still.

#BlogLife618 - The family mood

Song of the day - Touch Me - Poonam Singh/Natural Black

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37-3k80VKsY&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=1

When I'm surrounded by family I feel some repressed anger and resentments come out.

I feel I've spared their feelings enough and it's not nice but a part of me feels better for telling the truth as I see it because no matter how respectful I say certain things it's ignored.

I can only repeat myself so many times calmly before I snap. Mama has selective hearing and can be hurtful, meaning or not meaning too.

I just feel hormonal at present so that just makes everything worse I miss blogging so I don't think I'll post this but the others I have saved up.

On the whole we are getting on well but she brings up things which irritate me.

For example, lets load up your bags with leftovers when you leave and I have explained a million times, that my hands collapse with chronic pain with the strain of carrying heavy objects.

They crick, they get sore, they stiffen and the more I use them, I suffer a lot, so I avoid overloading them.

So spitefully, I just matter of fact retorted, Oh you know what I did when you filled my bags?

I threw all your food in the nearest bin and she was surprised but said Alright you don't need to take it with you.

What does she not understand about chronic pain?? I just get vex and vex and this time I did not apologise because I wanted it to hit home, that she is causing me physical pain and it's not great to deal with.

If it's prolonged pain, it can get to the point, where I can't use my hands at all without screaming in agony.

I do not want to reach that far. Why should I suffer needlessly to make her feel better??

She's well aware of my limitations and yet, it's the same argument over and over.

Enough!!

That really wasn't a big deal as confrontations go but I think another issue I have with her, is the other usual one.

My ears bleed hearing her praise the other two psychopaths as though they are good people, while my name is barely spoken in any depth or detail.

I've realised that although she's read past stories and enjoyed them, she hasn't read any of the latest ones.

Aka the BookLife set because as much as she claims to want to read them, she can't be bothered.

I feel like at least if she read some of the longer ones, she would get a better sense of me and my writing.

But I have too much pride to beg her and I really shouldn't have too anyway, is my feeling.

I think she's embarrassed of me being a writer. I don't think she respects that choice at all.

If I was a millionaire bestseller it would be different, she would have something to brag about.

I assume that's why she doesn't tell anyone. It's a dirty secret from her waste of space daughter, that's how she makes me feel.

But I'm proud of my abilities and happy that I have this gift. In person I may not be the most sociable, but in writing form, you can't get me to be silent ha :)

My good mood isn't shaken now that I've shared that with you, I feel better about myself.

I've never claimed to be the best, but I'm not talentless either!!

It's 11.26pm on New Year's Eve but I'm freezing cold and stiff so want to sleep soon.

Happy New Year to you and you and you :)

Have you tried the Terry's chocolate orange egg? I assumed I would hate it because of an orangey goo inside but it's nothing like that.

Just blended orange flavouring which is tasty. Plus we just sampled the Terry's snowball bar which taste similar to something else, that we can't recall.

No goo once again just a different sort of blend, I recommend them both. Not over-sweetened.

It's been a strange day, I went off meat and desserts just because of hormones.

I just opted for plain roti with butter for breakfast and dinner was a fried egg sandwich.

There were snacks in between like bombay mix, crisps, grapes, yoghurt.

Corfresh products were always seasoned well but over salted but the Gujarati Mix is yummy and mild, it just needed nuts added.

Oops I've been spelling that wrong all this time, it's Cofresh. My mistake.

Hopefully tomorrow I'll go back to less cramps and a better appetite.

I'm sorry that some themes are recurring but being at home with family, that's what happens.

I feel small and insignificant and have to build my self-esteem back up each time.

I do feel better sharing it and it's always better not to suffer in silence but it might make boring reading.

Which is why I'm still sprinkling BookLife and the Spoofs around, until I return home.

You may or may not have read them before but I feel it's all relevant and entertaining.

#BlogLife617 - Mama has covid again

Song of the day - Charly Black - Gyal You A Party Animal

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NpPuBqQ1Vgw&list=WL&index=33

She didn't tell me she was infectious until just before I was due to arrive but her being short term ill and me being longterm are quite similar..

Resting a lot, minimal activities, more naps, chatting, laughing, festive movies and music.

She's been up and down symptoms wise, coughing, sneezing, breathlessness, exhaustion.

I haven't caught it. I'm just the usual achey, sleepy and in a switched off - holiday mode.

She's been pretty upbeat actually and I've helped where possible.

I think she just wanted company around while she's poorly. For reference today is the 30th December and it's past midnight.

We were both tired at 9pm and at 10pm I fell asleep for an hour but woke up wired.

I'll turn in soon, just wanted to post on Twitter the start of the spoofs and booklife for some reading while I'm away.

I miss and don't miss blogging. I love writing but we all need to detach and have a proper long break at times.

The holidays are my time to unwind so I hope you don't mind but that's where I'll occasionally put old posts out.

Either witty, serious, fun, deep and meaningfuls or something I'm proud to re-share.

Monday we may be having a lil party, a few of Mama's friends and neighbours.

I'm surprised she has the energy but we're both sleeping good/bad/good.

And our appetites are up and down also. There's a lot of food around but we've turned into fussy eaters.

I suggested we offload all the snacks we're not enjoying, like beef macaroni and cheese, veggie spring rolls.

Croissants, garlic bread, various dips. It's a weird mismash and instead of a grand dinner, side dishes, to make it easier.

Sneaky but clever, I think.....

I've just sampled 7UP Cherry sugar free version, it's delicious, lots of cherry flavour, clear drink, bit gutted about no fancy colours.

But it doesn't taste unnatural and full of sweeteners just thirst quenching.

Ha, we just had a crazy five minutes searching for Mama's contact lens that she dropped.

No luck and then she checked her lens case and they were both snuggled inside... Ooops.

It's 2am but I can't sleep and now New Year's Eve. Me and Mama were having a heart to heart.

I said friendships and relatives can be quite self centred, mean and one sided.

A certain set of cousins were always idolised, the Uncle was the sweetest, genuine person who was one of the few people who saw my angst and tried to make me feel better.

His wife and daughters were quite cruel and nasty and I think when he died, everybody saw their true colours.

How vindictive and egotistical they were without the nice buffer around because a lot of people don't want them around now.

I said that they were disrespectful to my face and behind it but didn't realise I was aware of it.

Yet one of them because she needed everyone to like her, admire her, think how great she was, kept asking me to meet up.

I declined. I always remember her being annoyed, sarcastic and surprised by it.

She couldn't fathom why, as she was popular and bubbly and tricked herself into believing she was a nice person.

It's funny that she wanted to hangout with me as an adult because when I was younger, they actively avoided having me with them.

Mama literally guilted them to invite me occasionally, which they did but I couldn't care less about being around them as they were not decent friendly people.

I think her point was to show them, I was as good as any of them but to be honest it backfired.

And I grew to resent their company and being around negativity. It wasn't fun but distancing myself away from them all, was delightful.

It's 2am here again and soon I'll sleep, we were watching the Vicar of Dibley again and chuckling along.

I feel tender but not as moody. It's just annoying to have had 2, one day periods.

One on Christmas Eve, I think and the other on New Year's Day, no wonder I'm a lil cranky, sensitive and craving sugar.

I didn't really sleep last night for long so hopefully tonight will be better.

I have to be frank, I didn't really socialise at Mama's dinner party, I was exhausted and in no mood to be latched onto.

I did do a brief greeting to half the guests and disappeared into my room until they left.

I didn't really have an appetite anyway and the thought of going in there and munching in front of them, turned my stomach.

After they left, I had roti and roast lamb with celery chunks and then even though the savoury side of my tum was full..

Custard and lemon drizzle cake for dessert was a necessity, It was all great but this horrible bloating spoils the fun.