#BlogLife201 - When is a gay man, not a gay man..?

Answer..... Is it when he's bi? In denial, possibly closeted? Over the years, I have the same peculiar approaches.

The latest one...

Him... I've just had my first date with a guy

Me.. (Thinking if he's gay, why isn't he chatting to a guy) I say that's great, hope it was a fun evening.

Then it feels like I'm chatting to a female friend, gossiping. I start to relax and ask general questions.

The things he is saying seem a bit one sided as though he was making the effort and the date wasn't.

But he seems happy as though he has a crush and thinks it went well.

Then he says..

"Oh we had sex but kissing him would be gay. Would you go out with me?"

I can't help but laugh. He didn't say hook up, he said date, very clearly.

Sex is nothing, it's normal but kissing. Whoa, unacceptable! LOL.

That cracks me up. I would never date a gay or bi man. Men just cheat routinely and you would compete with both sexes?

Greedy, no thanks. I would feel like a substitute. Plus I know I'm 100% hetrosexual. 

I would expect the guy to be the same and if he wasn't.. Toodles to you sir!

Be whoever you want to be but I'll just say this, us genuine straighties tend not to flipflop :D

How do I know I'm really straight?

The only cleavage I'm attracted to is my own :D 

I may hate men and not trust them an inch while never wanting to go on another date in my life.......

But once in a while there is one with a sweet husky voice who doesn't make my ears bleed :)

#BlogLife200 - Can I call you....NO!

In my new frozen state that Santa Claus is jealous about....He thought the North Pole was the coldest of all.....

But then I explain how I go to bed shivering, wake up shaking. Wash my hands/face with ice water and then feel like I am snowdevil.... (There are no angels here)!!

Even the trusted heated blankie has slowed down it's warmth. My hands and feet are icicles.

How long does frostbite take to set in? Nevermind, one more day to get through before the insanity takes over my brain completely and the Men in White Coats come knocking...

I finished catching up on Call Me Kat, the American version of Miranda and it's good as a stand alone but the British version is always going to be more relatable and a favourite.

One episode where she is reuniting with old school chums and they insist on calling her an unflattering name that is demeaning triggered me.

I really can't recall the origin of this hideous nickname (no I'm not going to share it because I've buried it in hell) but it just surfaced when I was young and didn't disappear until I was in my late teens.

No pleading not to refer me as that and use my birth name were accepted. My immediate family used it, routinely as a habit of some sort, not really maliciously.

However my cousins feasted upon it. To me it was a giant neon symbol of how I didn't belong in their clique.

They harped on it with glee, insisting it was a term of affection, except their ones were all cute and sweet and mine sounded like an animal screeching!

There was true malice there. I don't know where it came from and I wasn't really mean back. I was more quiet and sullen.

I guess I wonder why you would taunt someone knowing that it hurts them and makes them feel bad and insecure?

What do you get out of feeling superior because we both know you're not?

Pretty on the outside but if you are abusing others, your insides become ugly and it transforms the whole essence of you into someone blockable/unpleasant!

I just used to compare my sets of cousins altogether. Some were genuinely confident and kind and others were arrogant and cruel but hollow.

One in particular was outwardly hostile and I appreciated that because at least he was showing his disdain freely, his sisters covered theirs with fakery and pretend friendships.

You know you're an outcast, when you're left out all of the fun outings.

I can't even remember if it bugged me. I was just used to not being involved.

The outings I do think about was one at a local park where all the cousins had gathered at my house so no chance of exclusion there..

This boy was on a ridiculously high slide and fell and I just remember people screaming and his ear was bleeding.

Next minute, we were just ushered out by the older cousins pronto. That still haunts me. "Don't look, don't look, just go."

The other one was at a cinema, my mama insisted I score an invite.

They were all slouched down in their seats and they looked weird and ridiculous. I was just sitting normally and they were giggling here and there.

I however was genuinely enjoying it and just cracking up, me in my own lil world.

Out of nowhere I hear "It isn't that funny." I think ffs, leave me the hell alone.

It was said with so much venom and disgust. As though in that sentence it conveyed their thoughts..

"We were forced to bring you here, believe me it wasn't our wish and we are watching this ironically so don't speak, act, laugh or do anything to embarrass us."

I felt so aware of myself, my weight, my height and the fact I tried not to laugh but gave up and enjoyed myself.

I guess these experiences put me on high alert for anyone that is trying to change me or put me down.

That is expecting me to be someone I'm not. I'll tell you who I am.....

Somebody that......

Likes crazily excessive phonecalls

Likes to kid around and occasionally poke fun at myself

Likes to talk about food

Likes to be creative and write blogs/fiction/spoofs

Likes to watch comedies, animation, action, romcoms and thriller films/tv series.

Likes to tell stories

Likes to have dreamless sleeps

Likes to pamper myself or get pampered

Likes to shop for clothes that aren't mainstream

Likes to give advice but only if it's taken :D

Likes to game competitively and win

Likes to dance and pretend I'm my own DJ (SleepsNotALot)

Likes music and asmr that flows with each mood

Likes playing pool with non competitive males that don't ruin it

Likes sampling makeup looks as it makes me feel cuter than I am :D

#BlogLife200 - The woman behind the blog

I feel like I've come a long way from the scaredy girl to afraid to open up to people.

From my humble beginnings on the discontinued Pointblog to here on Blogger.

I even had my own website at one point but just like LiveJournal my brain was constantly fried trying to tweak this and that and I just missed someone else doing it and letting my focus remain on the story telling or sharing about my day.

It's funny how I can wake up or be brushing my teeth and my brain is relaying the next post before I scramble to my laptop and type it all out.

Usually it's asmr in the background so that I don't get sidetracked but today we have music.

Specifically a random playlist that is on the classic Terence Trent D'Arby, Wishing Well song.

I still haven't got the words memorised ha. I'm still going to change the template every so often when I get tired of it and then realise way too late, something has disappeared.

Last time it was Twitter grr. Recent changes have been to add the Twitter feed so even if you don't follow, you can see what I'm thinking about inbetween publishing posts or you can skip it.

I also added AgonyLife because I miss giving tips and advice that I think would benefit other people.

I'm not an expert and this is just my thoughts which may or may not apply to you but hopefully will assist you in some way or get you thinking :)

There's also BookLife which thankfully isn't a whole book because who has time for that, aside from my Wattpad creations which are just the start and I hope to get better with each new title.

I feel like I am exercising my creative mind. I know they aren't mainstream but I've never been a regular type of woman, understandably my fiction will attest to that.

It's just short bursts of mini tales to break up your day or kill some time, while you're munching or sipping.

I am starting to recover from the stress and unease of being without a boiler.

There is just this nagging feeling it isn't properly fixed and the hot water takes so much longer to come out of the taps than before.

My face is mostly smooth with some blotches. This weekend I'll do my face wash. I threw away the mask because it was stuck at the bottom of the tube.

I don't feel like I need it for right now. I didn't realise Himalaya has a whole brand of face washes that I never saw before so after this Vitamin C is done, I'll try them out.

I think I've struggled a lot to modify things because I get easily overwhelmed and assume I won't be able to complete it.

Having Bloglovin was easy but I didn't know how to set it up on the blog.

I eventually worked it out and was mostly happy with it, until the spam of sleaze took it over and management was content to sit back and do nothing.

Then began the long search as feedburner died and I didn't know again what I was doing.

It's as though I need someone to shout and say in bold, hey you, you there, do this...... Follow my words to the letter.

I cycled through a few and each one made no sense. I can understand a tiny bit of tech-speak but after that I'm shrugging.

Follow It seemed logical and packed full of free features so I registered and got puzzled and they bailed me out and took over to finish setting it up.

As for my childhood, I feel split sometimes it feels like it wasn't that bad and other times I recall the times I was convinced I was going to end up in A&E.

For some reason the threat of violence lingered in the air and I was convinced they were going to snap and there would be bloodshed.

In some ways it was worse than being hit because it was creeping around, constantly on high alert. It never stopped.

On the numerous police raids I think I'm beginning to realise that had I not bitten my tongue and held back and confessed what was really going on to the officers...

I don't think they would have kicked me out of the home. I actually think I would have been evicted and disowned by my own mama.

I assume that is the real reason I never spoke up. I looked right at the police and opened my mouth and closed it.

Anger, rage and disgust doesn't even scratch the surface of my feelings.

Or maybe if I was beaten they would have been kicked out? Who knows?! Highly doubtful given the way she covered for them.

Maybe I'll finally be free when they are both no longer on this earth? 

Then I'll never be forced to mingle with them and be polite, waiting waiting for the anger to rise and staring at the door for my exit strategy..

I recall halting like a statue. Willing my breath to stop. Frozen and unable to move. Hoping my body would shrink into itself and I would disappear completely inside myself.

Friendships, I'm too exhausted to think about forming. Relationships? I'll continue living them out through my stories.

It's much safer that way. I'm no trouble and should never have be seen that way from everybody.

I'm currently playing Candy Crush for looney rewards but it's fun actually.

Oh and if you have never tried Woodoku, that's not what I thought it was. It reminds me of Tetris but there isn't falling blocks.

It's more like a puzzle and when you make a line it disappears and you score points. It's challenging.

Still working on the Lethal Curves Ahead and some BookLife fiction pieces.

Health wise I don't feel stiff anymore. I'm having 6/7 hours of sleep, not ideal but a little more than usual.

I just chopped my nails short because they looked long and pretty but they kept chipping so I had to even them out.

I'll leave you with this....

When I was shopping for tissues because I still can't get them at Iceland.

I asked the newsagent, where they were and he pointed and said, back in the usual spot, I shook my head.

He came and handed me toilet rolls. I had to act out a sneeze for full sized tissues as he was handing me pocket teeny tiny tissues.

Then he finally said Oh we're out. I rolled my eyes and said, you should have mentioned that then....

Who doesn't know the difference between toilet rolls and tissues????

Dodo!! I'm currently relying on an orange bumper pack of compact tissues, unless Iceland delivers me some tomorrow....

Keep your fingers crossed for me due to the fact I am not an actress!!

#BlogLife199 - I'm covered in bbq sauce

Ha I know that's a weird title and it's not what you think... I haven't been up to anything saucy :D

It's just been a long day and it's only just gone 2pmish. I eventually got to sleep last night and woke up before my alarm and got ready.

I do not recommend cold air from a fan after you've gotten out of a hot shower. Brrr today is freezing.

I kept trying to check the bus timetable for going into town and it wouldn't work so I updated the app and there was still an error.

I popped outside and turns out..........Roadworks are happening. They love love love our street, every few months like clockwork.

Good job I hadn't missed any I don't think, slowly trekked to the next one and caught it and it was nice and empty, yay :)

I picked up a vitamin c face wash, hair bobbles, those crisps that I'm addicted too.

I'm sad they didn't have the cheese version or they did but it was right at the back and I couldn't reach and wasn't bothered to ask someone.

And lastly a hotdog, fries and a chicken mayo wrap for tonight. The hotdog is smothered in bbq sauce and I somehow got it everywhere, hands, arms and face but it was lush and I'm stuffed.

My body is so stiff from all that walking that I can't even move straight, I keep tipping over and judging by my yawns, I may just crash out and nap.

#BlogLife198 - Did my boiler break up with me?

Me and my boiler have had a mostly harmonious relationship but there are times when it gives me the cold shoulder.

First I have the lost courier knocking and insisting this was the right address.

Crikey he was one house away, how do you bungle that up?? Yeesh!!

I stood there for a few minutes shivering and insisting he look at the address again which is clearly marked appropriately and he apologised.

I just rolled my eyes. I'm already freezing to death indoors, now you want me to get a bigger chill, outside? Go away!

Literally a minute or two later, another buzz. I'm thinking, you better have body armour because if that's the courier again..

I'm going to kill him! Turns out it was the repair guy. Thank you, it's now 12pm and I could have slept some more but no matter.

He asked me what the issue is and I think damn, don't you guys look at your notes because this is supposedly a big repair job..

The other guy took a video of the problem, what was the point? Plus he told me not to speak during, pffft!

I'm not feeling confident he'll be able to fix it. It seems he is lost and not calling up his supervisor to ask what this issue is.

He is just trying variations and I'm shivering away thinking. Oh no. He's going to leave and say it can't be repaired today.

Then he's telling me to shut off and switch back on the heating dial and he tries a multitude of things that are not working and I'm thinking I want to scream!!

Then I feel the air becoming warmer. I feel the radiator and it's producing heat but he's still frantically trying things and I tell him, well that's working at least.

He seems troubled and doesn't give me any reassurance it's permanently cured.

I'm getting more depressed and desperate and then at long last, he says it's almost done, soon I'll be out of here.

I'm gobsmacked!!! I had given up all hope but a miracle occurred and it's going to be alright!!

I have it on full but to put it in perspective. I still have the heated blanket on me because I'm that cold.

And why do they always leave their bulky garbage?? There's a bin outside, use it!

It took about 5 hours for me to stop shivering and I didn't want to take off the heating tonight, even though I am finally toasty.

I waited until the last minute and just after 10pm switched it off. I'm wiped out and will fingers crossed, have an easy time resting.

I've written some posts and have stuff to do. I should eat but maybe later..

I'm going to get on and then later I can curl up and watch Who's Harry Crumb with John Candy, hilarious.

Last night I was watching The Cheap Detective with Peter Falk, so many great pieces of dialogue.

I laughed so much. I needed something feelgood :)

#BlogLife197 - The penpal diaries

Dear SS,

How are you doing? What's new? What's happening on the penpal front?

Surely you've had more juicy prospects by now? Huh huh huh?? Spill!

Dear Anon,

You're so nosey! Can't you be a lil patient and I'll divulge everything in my own time?

Dear SS,

Nope. Tell me now. I want to know everything..

Dear Anon,

Ugh can never mind your own beeswax.. Fine I'll tell you. They are still trinkling in, very slowly.

But mediocre is an understatement. The one I replied to reluctantly, didn't even respond.

Yesterday's was more of the same. Loved your ad, blah blah. Would love to get to know you further....

And yet..........Nothing, nada, zilch about themselves. No age or location or hobbies or general summary.

Ugh so another one relegated to spam. I could reply and ask all these questions but I'm not in the mood to be accommodating.

How will they learn to communicate better?

It's as though I came up to you on the street and said.....

"Hey, you look interesting. What is your name? Where do you work? Where do you live? What are your hobbies?"

"My name? My age? Oh is that the time, I have to go, can't stay and chat longer. Call me, text, email and ping me on messenger. Byeeeeee."

Who on earth would get in touch with me, after that???

#BlogLife196 - Controlling the chaos

I'm trying not to be too self indulgent but it's getting tougher to stay strong and put on a brave face.

To stay motivated and carry on regardless. I miss being warm. I miss washing my hair and having hot showers.

I miss being comfortable and relaxed. On the upswing of things. I have been getting my winfalls curtesy of the Looney games.

Won 10k gems before and now just been informed I won some toon pieces. I'm opting for Coach Daffy as he is going to disappear soon.

I cheekily hinted if I could have 100 pieces of 2 toons and he agreed so I opted for the unlocked versions of Coach Daffy which I wouldn't have gotten and Corny Conductor Elmer.

I always unlock toons I don't have, at least you can play about with them, rank them, tune them but if you don't even have them unlocked, you're screwed.

The unwritten rule is you're not supposed to choose toons that are locked ha but seeing as I've always done it and got away with it. I'll just keep at it until they say no.

I'm hooked on a new show Crisis and it's unpredictable and gritty. One of those shows you shout at the screen..

I did not see that coming, he's the bad guy and he's the good one??? Really? Yowser.

The show is pretty much keeping me sane at this point. It stars Gillian Anderson, Mark Valley and others I don't recall the names.

It's about the powerful rich kids being kidnapped and the parents blackmailed into doing tasks for the kidnapper.

No spoilers but it's really good. I don't feel like taking any volunteer chats today as I feel like saying....

Hey you, cheer me up for a change!!

However I did support someone who volunteers and had a bad experience.

Sometimes it's enough to know that, others go through the same and we all get frustrated..

That person seems to feel better so that's good. I think I want to wallow a bit.

I should load up a tearjerker film fest :) I chased up the boiler repair and was told I have to ring another number which is closed so will try tomorrow..

#BlogLife195 - The misery conspiracy

I just feel like blah at the moment but only on the surface. The temporary fix that had my boiler producing heat and hot water has now stopped.

I am back to being a frozen bunny and it's just really hard to function. I don't have any issues getting up but once there I feel like what is the point?

I am super grateful for my life saving heated fake furry blankie, which is keeping me sane.

I can't shake this cough and hoarseness without proper heat and have caught a chill where I'm sniffling.

I've lost my appetite again but am munching to warm myself up. My hair is even shorter now, above my shoulders. 

I have to see what it looks like in curlers but I have no interest in doing that yet.

Maybe I should book a eyebrow wax and pedicure or even a facial beautician appointment but I don't feel in the mood to go traipsing about.

I don't even feel like retail therapy which is my normal pick-me-up method.

I wasn't even going to write anything today but I'm hoping by admitting all of this negativity I'll feel unburdened?!

I think I'm getting slightly better at picking my titles. I'm trying at least..

I am easing back into the volunteering not daily but a few times a week.

I feel calmer doing it but at the same time, just empty. I really don't think I'll be my true self until the boiler is fixed.

I fully intended to change the theme/template, whatever you want to call it but I think it's growing on me.

A cute night time appearance. I guess I'll see if I can find anything that I like better that doesn't need tweaking to display correctly.

Forgive me if my posts aren't daily. I'm really struggling to get my thoughts in order.

Take care :)

#BlogLife194 - Choose your own path..

I was always intrigued by the idea of these stories, where you could supposedly choose your own direction but everytime I read one, the ending was always geared towards the area I didn't want to navigate. 

I think it would be fun to start off a story and have someone add to it, either in the comments or on their blog but you have to be popular and have a lot of engagement to carry that off.

Plus a captivating story and my skills are still building as far as that goes. I would also want to end it, is that selfish?

I understand that there are just infinite plots and you can't cater to them all but these stories should at least try.

I'm working on two fiction pieces at the moment but they need a lot of fleshing out and I'm a lil blank.

I'm watching a new Hallmark film The Perfect Pairing with Nazneen Contractor and Brennan Elliot, very predictable amnesia story but still looks good.

I also had some ideas for alternate endings to films or new plot ideas that could be more appealing than my wacky tales.

That seems a bit intimidating though, even if it is just for fun and not to be taken seriously :D

I'm not looking for plot ideas though. I just think it be groovy if someone added their take, it might just end up somewhere nobody expects :)

#AgonyLife13 - Dear SS What's your advice when I'm at a low point both mentally and physically?

I've realised certain things are a long term transformation, not short term.

You have to catch yourself being too self sabotaging or hearing it from other people.

There are certain books and films where the theme is... Transform yourself to be liked..

1) Lose weight

2) Change your clothing from comfy to slutty

3) Alter your personality from bitter to perky

4) Switch from insecure to brazen overnight

5) Revamp your hairstyle from easy to complicated

I think small changes are better. Open yourself up to various possibilities.

The only things to fix is whatever you don't like about yourself, not what others don't care for.

There is no such thing as perfection so why turn yourself inside out attempting it?

Try to like yourself but reserve love for those quirks that you genuinely appreciate and make you who you are.

Don't be weight/diet or exercise obsessed just try your best to make attainable choices.

Think of it like this......

Woman A - "I wish I had your legs."

Woman B to A - "Are you kidding? I would kill for your belly."

Woman A to B - "No way. I seriously would be thrilled just to have your arms."

You see, we all envy someone's else's features but at the same time, they are admiring us.

Work with what you have. Accept it, love it and either keep finding ways to make it flattering or tone up.

They say confidence is sexy. Do something your passionate about, either as a hobby or for employment.

That will give you such a boost. It will make you smile in a million different ways, even when you're not actively doing it that second.

Be surrounded with genuine people that care. It's too easy to be around people that hurt and are sly.

I've been there and would rather be alone than around that toxic mess.

Date kind people, not someone that makes you feel bad, where you end up crying at night.

Even if you're not into hair, beauty, makeup, clothes. Have a routine that makes you feel soothed and special.

It's vital that you feel great about yourself, not all the time, not in bad situations but in general.

It will help you cope when these twisted deceptive people try to encroach in your life.

You'll know you deserve a lot better. You could try...

~Brain teasers or various puzzles~

~Bubbly baths with music or books~

~Experimental dramatic makeup~

~Daring haircuts~

~New swanky clothes~

~Massages~

~A long leisurely walk~

~New bath or face products with heady scents~

~Lay ins or naps~

My point is get to a place in your life, where you know you deserve good things.

Want to know what I envied about my friends and they admired about me?

For me it's easy. They had slender tums and I always wanted that. They were taller than me and bubblier.

They didn't seem to have that deep rooted insecurity that i had.

For them, they wanted my ample cleavage, my nose, I'm also wondering if they craved my independent nature.

At one point they were all in disastrous relationships but didn't want to be single, whereas I cut loose unsuitable partners easily. 

I never needed a man, I just wanted one around but my life was just fine without a relationship.

I was my own rock or encourager. I could go on dates with myself and have a blast.

#BlogLife193 - His killer enquiries...

It sounds like a fiction title but today is about things men say that trigger my insecurities.

I've had it so much that I recognise it now and it's offputting and not something that I like.

It's definitely a deal-breaker. I got talking to a new random last night, let's call him I.

You know what the funny thing is? He can insult me all night (I actually wasn't taking it personally because I wasn't invested and I was snapping back so it was a bit of a back and forth).

But as soon as I said something really blunt because he wasn't getting a reference. He completely stopped talking.

I thought that was hysterical. He can dish dish dish but can't take it? Perhaps he should think twice, before trying to mess with me.

Q1) Do you have shapely legs?

Being a shortie at under 5ft7. I always think that means long and skinny legs.

I always say mine have meat on them.

His reply..... "Oh, that's a no then."

I have a love/hate relationship with my legs. My legs are acceptable but thighs are chunky.

Q2) Are you small and pert or an out of control size wise?

Of course the pervert is referring to cleavage sizes. Again I am pretty vague, assuming I even reply and just state.

They are not small and that's it.

His reply..... "Oh I see, not denying that you aren't perfect."

Initially my face is red and I have a few seconds of, hmm, why can't I be ideal for men?

Then I remember we are all wonderfully different in our bodies. We don't need to conform.

Men are so obsessed with.. It used to be adult magazines and now it's adult movies, seeing those skinny images and misconstruing that all women need to be the same, otherwise they are not attractive.

Q3) How long have you been single?

I never tell them the entire truth so for a laugh. I say it's been 20 years.

Then I just say, been a few years.

His reply.... "Are you that bad?"

I just explain that I am single by choice and leave it at that. I'm mostly just chuckling through his answers because it occurs to me, that he is purposely trying to make me feel bad but failing.

He continues making lil digs. I should hide the food away and stuff like that.

The men that I've dated have had a lot of the same attitudes, with the lil insults here and there and I used to let it get to me but now I just see them as twerps :D

The last thing I said to him was........ "You are pretty but so dumb."

I hadn't seen what he looked like but I softened the insult. He just said "That's rude."

He expected me to apologise and I figured after all the nonsense he had said. I don't feel bad or sorry. Haha!!!

Q4) What do you feel insecure about?

Do you see the direction the conversation has gone? It's not about my positives and what I feel proud about or my hopes and dreams but about his need to make me feel flawed.

I know by this point, he is waiting for me to say my figure but I refuse because I don't feel the least bit bad.

I actually feel even cuter and more voluptuous than before. I just say something about, my inability to control my temper lol.

His reply is... "Oh you seem scary."

I don't correct him at all. I can be, especially when someone is putting me down, in the guise of casual banter.

You could look at it like..........Oh SS he is just making chitchat. You're taking it too personally girl.

You know what men are like. Brains in their trousers. However I see it as the incorrect way to approach a woman.

Better questions would be....

A) Whatever your size is, are you comfortable in your skin?

B) When you're having a rough time, can you recommend something that cheers you up?

C) What features of your personality make you smile the most?

D) What do you like most about being single?

E) What do you look forward to each day?

F) You're quite enchanting, how do you make sure people don't take advantage?

#BlogLife192 - Does my mama resent me?

If you are a writer or blogger, it's hard staring at a blank page willing it to inspire you.

When I first started out, I did that a lot, thinking an idea will come into fruition quickly and I'll be done in no time.

Now if I am empty. I'll do different things, housework, emails, cooking, and when I relax and free my mind, an idea will pop up or maybe just a title.

Sometimes I'll just write a bit and leave it as a draft because there is another post or chapter I want to focus on first.

Other times, it just doesn't feel ready so I'll hold off from publishing and put up something else instead.

This is what happened today because I was working on something else and this thought popped into me head.

When my parents separated after months of brutal fights and sleeping in separate rooms.

My mama came to me as my papa was not handling it well. She asked me, after making the decision to move out and divorce if they should reconcile.

I thought that was a pretty insensitive thing to ask a kid. I did want them to be a family but I don't think anybody was happy at the point.

I personally wanted to get as far away from one of my siblings as possible.

I think I just said, you don't seem happy, it's up to you but it's probably not a good idea, if you can't find a way to patch things up.

She went ahead with the divorce but told me after he passed. Hmm, I really should have reconciled.

It wasn't an accusatory tone but I wonder if deep down she blames me for her adult decision to break up.

I muse if that is the reason she continues to give me a hard time.

As deep down she thinks I interfered in her life. She trashed him, he trashed her but once again, she re-wrote history in her mind.

#BlogLife191 - Curiosity killed garfield 3 (Q&A)

More deliciously random insights..

Q1. Why on earth do you call the series Crazy self therapy?

I hope it's not insulting to anyone currently seeing a professional psychiatrist but for me I think the weirdest approach was to analyse myself and figure things out.

I feel too personally mentally fragile to let someone into my head. It's chock full of too many things to let a stranger mess with it.

This is just what works for me. I'm just able to be honest and tap into something and while doing something routine and not overthinking, it somehow unravels and a solution pops up.

So yea, that it why I opted for the name, probably spent like 2 seconds and thought yep.

Q2. Do you think you'll repair the relationships with your family?

I don't think so, not to a full degree. None of them are self-aware at all, at how bad their behaviour is or has been so there is no basis to even start the healing.

I have spoken to my mama yesterday. She gave me a few missed calls which I ignored and then I felt guilty so I called her back.

She already seemed bored so had a quick blah chat and then disconnected.

Q3. Do you miss socialising?

Frankly yes and no. More no than yes. I'm just very tired of it all. Being outdoors just freaks me out and it got better and now has become worse.

Then I have to deal with people not making the effort with me specifically, they can do it with others but not me and I feel bad and I'm sick of that because I'm a darling!

Also my expenses have risen so I am trying really hard to curb my spending, which I have been doing quite well at. 

Lastly I'm sick of being judged for being ill. No I'm not the same as you. 

I don't have boundless energy. I get exhausted so quickly and the pain pops out of nowhere and scares me because I wonder if this will be the time, it doesn't stop hurting.

Q4. Do you miss travelling?

Good question. When I was younger, I took a lot of family trips, Iceland, Canada, Florida and my parents place of birth.

I don't think I was ever scared of flying. It was somewhat exciting being somewhere different, the journey was tiresome as I could never sleep.

I had periods of fun, meeting my family from around the world. Some were nicer than others and my uncles were non judgemental and particularly sweet to me, as a shy girl so I was able to relax, not so much the Aunties, who always had an opinion on me and my life and looks/weight.

Also my grandmother who thought she had the right to enforce religion on me and from the stories I heard about her......Was no saint herself.

Maybe she was someone else trying to redeem herself. Who knows?!

The places and culture was interesting though. I felt more grown up and worldly.

I can't say I miss it though. I feel like I had all these experiences when I was younger and that sustained me.

I can't actually travel now because of health restrictions but I'm good with that, at least I got to see a part of the world, some people don't get that chance.

Q5. Tell us some fun boo boos you've made?

When I was trying out the new headphones I got for Christmas just to see if they were working. I kept trying to pair them to the phone or laptop.

Strangely enough, it just wouldn't connect. I figured it was completely dead so I charged it up a bit and continue making attempts and still nothing.

Then I realised I hadn't been doing the long press, setting it in pair mode ha!!

                                  **************************

Somebody I won't mention who, brought me a bowl of soup and my brain was foggy so what uttered out of my mouth was....

"Are you spicy?" He just gave me such a startled look and then cracked up laughing. I was mortified but giggling also.

I kept trying to get out the words. "No, no, no I mean't, I really mean't is the soup spicy, not youuuu!"

He was just smirking at me, saying mmmmhmm, sure sure. He never let me live that down.

                                 *************************

More??? 

Probably the most embarrassing one. I was waiting to see someone and this guy came over and said..

"Hmm, you look good." I shrugged. "Maybe but I could sure do with a massage and he goes "Really? Alright, well I'll pass that onto the therapist, that's not me!"

What made that worse, was that he was a fox!! My face is still burning red remembering these :D

                                 *************************

Final one for the road. I feel like I was having a sassy moment. My cousin was over to hangout. (This one I actually liked, he was always sweet).

I'm not sure how it came about. I was pre-teen. I think and somehow the word tequila, came up.

I in my wonderful naivete, pronounced it.. Te-quill-a. He was astounded and horrified. 

"No, no no. That isn't how it is spoken. It is te-key-la." He's older and knows a lot more so I figured he was right, however I kept insisting he was mistaken this time.

No idea why I chose this silly battle but we had this back and forth and my head was like...... You know he is accurate, give in, silly goose.

Five minutes later I just said. "I don't know what I was thinking, oops you're right ."

He looks so surprised and confused hahaha :D 

I just did a complete turnaround on him, after adamantly insisting I was right.

#BookLife4 - Shenanigans with a shifty chef (fiction)

Chapter 1

I drum my fingers waiting for him to arrive. I thought I was bad, but he takes the cake. I am beginning to wonder if I adore him or his picnic basket the most?

I can't stay mad at him though. He is always apologetic and treats me like no other man has ever or probably will ever again. 

I scan around the crowded coffee shop. Cutlery and plates are clunking on tables. People are talking softly and enjoying their feast.

Waitresses are smiling to each other and gossiping. It has now been twenty minutes and just like that my phone buzzes. I shake my head and pick it up.

"Mmmhmmm I see, on your way? Will be here before I know it? The car wouldn't start? Uh huh. See you soon.." I grin and sigh just as the waitress gives me a sympathetic look and pats my hand.

She probably assumes I've been stood up. It has occurred once or twice so it isn't entirely unfathomable. "Yes please a top up would be great."

Chapter 2

I pull down my sleeves and cinch in my coat a bit more. Now that winter is upon us, it is quite chilly. I close my eyes and sip my hot chocolate with flake sprinkles and a dash of whipped cream on top.

There is even a whisper of Armagnac in the cocoa and I feel warm and slightly buzzed on my second cup. Somebody grabs my drink and tastes it.

I look up and smile. He is finally here. He made it after all. He lowers his head to kiss me softly on the lips and says..... "Yum, you smell and taste terrific."

I wish I could stay perturbed at his triggery perpetual tardiness but his grin has me beaming up at him. I look at his dark black hair with flecks of white snow sprinkled around it.

"No wonder you had problems with you car. I didn't realise it had begun snowing. "Mmmhmm, I don't think it's been falling for that long as it has settled yet."

"We should get out of here though, I have to scrap the surprise I planned for us but there is an alternative for my minx."

I blush and hope noone heard that pet name. I didn't mind it but it sounded racier than I actually would ever be. Tizinski paid for the drinks and then took my hand.

I looked down at our interlaced fingers. It had never felt this natural before, to be so instantly comfortable being touchy-feely and affectionate for a man I barely knew.

This was only the third get together but anyone looking at us would assume we have been dating for months. I was determined not to get ahead of myself, slow and steady wins the relationship race..

Tizinski opened the shop/car door for me and I smiled. It was little touches like this, that made me feel like a lady. "Thanks, where are we going?"

Chapter 3

"Claudia, will you let me surprise you for once, you are always so eager that I end up spilling the secret. "Just sit back in this toasty car and let me whisk you away to paradise."

We both eyed each and laughed. Tizinski had been really sweet so far and hadn't pressured me at all. All we had done was kiss, hug and hold hands together.

I kept waiting for evil pervy Tizinski to appear but so far so good. I would just relish his company for now. "You are entirely too quiet my lovely."

"Are you thinking good thoughts about me or bad ones?" Tizinski's ability to cut into my thoughts was slightly unnerving but I grinned back and let him make up his own conclusion.

"Hmm I'll pry it out of you later but for now I guess we'll just have to head to my place, won't we?" I coughed as alarm bells went off in my head.

Oh crikey, this was the third date. What if he expected sex or something more..... Physical to happen? Tizinski knowingly grabbed my hand.

"You can relax. I have no intention of jumping on you, this is just going to be another simple date with great home cooked food and the best company a man could hope for."

"We shall sit, eat, curl up and that will be the extent of it and anytime you want to leave. I'll drive you, okay honey?" I felt guilty for always jumping to the worst case scenario.

Tizinski had been a complete gentleman but my history with men was scary and I felt better being reassured a bit. I reached over and kissed him on the cheek, wiping away the dark cherry lipgloss on his face.

"That was unexpected but very much appreciated. Look in the glove box, I bought you something, open it." I chuckled. "Why would you do that?"

"We haven't been dating that long, you shouldn't have wasted your money on me." Tizinski nodded. "I know but open it, I can't wait any longer."

Time to put my poker face on. What if I hated it? It's the thought that counts. I gingerly tried to unwrap a small package but it was basically all sellotape and when I shot a look at Tizinski..

He blushed. "Sorry I guess I got carried away making sure it was sealed tightly." I kissed him again on the cheek, shaking my head and wondering if I needed a knife to cut through this wrapping.

Eventually I found an opening and a box shot out and fell on the floor. Tizinski cursed and we both scrambled to pick it up even though it had now been pushed to the back.

I waited until we stopped at the traffic lights and then quickly unbuckled my seatbelt, grabbed it with as much dignity as I could manage and then refastened my belt.

Tizinski and I cracked up again. I popped it into my bag as soon we were pulling up to his place. He grabbed the bags and opened my door for me.

I bit my lip and thought if the worst happens I can run out. It's not like I drink heavily anymore, I won't be dizzy unless he spikes my drink.

I took a deep breath to steady my breathing. He put his arm around me and we walked ahead. I just need to breathe and stay calm.

Whatever happens I can take care of myself. My frazzled mind was soothed and I stepped into his place not knowing what to expect.

Chapter 4 

I had never been here before and scanned the hallway as Tizinski helped me off with my jacket.

It was mostly neat and tidy with a stack of books on a nearby table and a notebook.

He hung my jacket on the hook and escorted me inside a spacious lounge. 

There were heavy blue drapes neatly tied back a range of purply blues on all the walls.

The fireplace was soon crackling with a roaring fire and a safety guard to stop it getting messy.

Tizinski scurried off to the kitchen and I traced the books on the shelf and looked around haphazardly at a neat but lived in lounge.

Just like me, he lived alone with no pets so the place was quiet, aside from the traffic outdoor from cars whizzing by and cars being honked.

He reappeared smiling and I coyly took out the pretty red wrapped box, I had pushed into my bag prior.

At last I found an opening and tore the wrapper, which dismantled the whole tape mismash. 

Inside was an even prettier violet box with a professionally looking pink bow tied around it.

I looked up shyly and inquisitively, wondering what on earth it contained inside.

Tiz looked nervous now and I grinned. I gently placed the box in Tiz's hand, snapped a picture with my phone to capture the moment and then delicately unravelled the present.

I gasped at what I saw inside. It was a stunning red butterfly brooch. It appeared to be sterling silver and had sparkling gem stones on the wings.

I was complaining that a few of my cardigans and wraps, needed pinning but I kept forgetting to buy a brooch to hold it together.

"Wow, you actually paid attention, when I talked? Thank you, it's really thoughtful and gorgeous."

Tiz finally beamed in relief. "Phew for a moment there, I wasn't sure if I had made the right choice or not."

I looked down at the gift. I was kinda stunned he would go to so much trouble for a girl he barely knew.

What was the catch with him? There had to be some huge flaw? Or why was he still available?

I shook my head sternly. I was being ungrateful. He did a lovely thing and I should count my blessings.

Dang I was so used to awful boyfriends that I didn't seem to recognise someone genuine, even if he was standing right in front of me.

"Do you honestly like it because you're scowling and now I'm just confused?"

I hugged Tiz. "Sorry my head just had something unpleasant pop in and it shook off my good mood."

"Hmm, what was that?" 

Chapter 5

I shifted uneasily. "To be honest, I'm just not used to being treated this way, a guy considering my feelings and doing nice things for me."

"I'm still getting used to it but I appreciate all that you do for me."

Tiz nodded, although he didn't smile. I wondered if his patience was wearing thin.

"Can I help with anything or are you all organised as usual?" I figured changing the subject would be a good idea.

"Tiz smiled once more and I relaxed. "My dear, everything is well at hand."

"Make yourself comfortable on the sofa. Stay out of my kitchen, if you know what's good for you and I shall return shortly with a blanket, drinks and nibbles."

I shivered, not only because I hadn't warmed up yet but the blankie gave me a mini cause for concern.

I really just need to take him at his word. I leaned back, grateful he hadn't asked me to sit on the floor.

I hadn't divulged my health issues completely but he knew something was up.

Tiz returned in seconds with a cordless heated black fluffy blanket and I breathed a sigh of relief as the chill, finally seemed to fade.

"Umm Tiz, I'm grateful but I don't want to spill crumbs on your cute blankie. Maybe we should leave it to one side, until after we've munched?"

Tiz crinkled his eyes with warmth. "You really do worry too much. If it gets messy, I'll just throw it in the washing machine."

"I'll be back in a moment." I pulled the blankie up and then thought I was being a tad too spoilt..

I pushed down the blankie and headed to the kitchen to help out. Tiz always cooked and paid.

The least I could do was assist him, carrying the food, or anything else he required.

I stopped short. My mouth was open with a greeting but the sight I saw before me, had me blinking in bewilderment.

"What the hell Tiz??" I swear he jumped a foot in the air. "I....Ummm didn't even hear you come in."

"I told you to wait in the lounge." I scoffed. "You liar."

Chapter 6

The sight before me had me shaking my head and waggling my finger.

"You sneaky, underhanded.. I marched forward and shoved him in the arm."

Tiz held up his hands and grinned but with mock sincerity, said "Okay, you busted me."

"I can't actually cook this well so I sorta, kinda, bought the goods from the market and passed it off as my own creation."

"You just seemed to be so into my cooking and were so impressed that I kept up the charade."

"Is there anything else you want to confess while we are being frank?"

"You see, this is another reason. Your trust issues, now all my brownie points have gone out the window, for this one white lie."

"Don't you turn this back on me buster. I haven't misled you. I didn't say I only dated chefs. I just thought desserts are tricky to make so when you did it effortlessly. I was thrilled."

"I didn't intend to take the credit but the first time when you assumed I had made it from scratch. I just found myself nodding and agreeing with you."

Tiz put his arms around my waist. "I know it was a dumb thing to lie about. I just wanted to make a good first impression."

The wheels were turning inside my head. Dishonesty has to be punished..

"I'm really disappointed in you. This has set our relationship back and I'm not sure I can trust you anymore."

I gingerly reached behind him. Just a lil bit further... Aha I got it.

I picked up the moist baileys cake that I had loved so much with the zigzag iced topping made of ganache and smushed it in Tiz's face giggling.

"That is what you get for deceiving me. I hope you've learned your lesson."

Tiz raised his eyebrow dangerously. I stepped back and squealed as he mashed the chocolate cake in my face.

"That's what you get for forgiving me too easily." I grinned evilly. "Who says I forgive you?"

Tiz chuckled, traced the chocolate frosting from my lips and bent down to kiss me sweetly.

"I'll just have to keep smooching you until you do." He wrapped both his arms around my back tugging me until I was pressed against him."

Looking at me intently. "Despite what your brain is telling you. I'm not like your other boyfriends."

"I intend to treat you like the foodie Queenie you are!"

The end.

**I hope you enjoyed reading it. These lil side story projects are fun. The oddball mini creations.

In between the heavier wattpad stories.

#BlogLife190 - Be someone else (crazy self therapy 6)

I'm lounging here finally realising that as well as plugging in the electric blankie, I need to switch it on too.

I am finally de-thawing as it is heating up and wearing two blankets helps, one heated, one non, are better than none.

I'm trying to wrap up the foodie short story I was hoping to have concluded before Christmas but my brain is spiralling.

This was the wrong time to buy cold breakfasty stuff like yoghurt. I'm not quite back to having a bit appetite. Just nibbling bits and pieces.

Currently that oaty nutty cereal. Anyway my mind is just randomly connecting thoughts and I realised that my confidence identity crisis has stemmed from people wanting me to be someone else.

Hardly anyone has ever said and mean't it or acted like they wanted me to be myself and stay that way.

It was always, act like your cousins, act like your friends, act like your siblings.

I think that is why I punish myself and am self critical. Noone else was accepting me so I figured. Hey I must be a bad person and must need to alter myself to be normal.

People around me continue to treat me the same, as though I am a burden and easily dismissable.

Pretty impossible not to take that personally and think, meh it's just them, that is their opinion.

I just wanted a piece of someone's time, never all of it. Yet people talk over me and are "busy."

Yet they have sufficient spots for other people. I have had multiple types of friendships.

1. Timewasters - Some purposefully seek me out and then drag the conversation down 24-7 or lie continuously for no reason.

2. Control freaks - I want to go here, I want to do that. I want to call the shots. I dictate the topics.

3. Apathetic - A one way friendship. They don't want to communicate but expect me to be warm and fuzzy while I'm chasing them trying to maintain this nonexistent relationship.

4. Spiteful - Whether knowingly or unknowingly. They have made a lifetime habit of lil digs at me. Hmm clutzy much? Wait a good looking guy, fancies you??????

5. Good at first, then fizzles - These were more wholesome. It was more equal. At first we both made the effort and put time into it and then it was just me and my patience only lasts so long before I figure.......

What the hell is the point??

I'm trying to keep going and embrace all the odd parts of me and I say odd affectionately because being quirky is part of me.

I'm not trying to be perfect and be like everyone else. I'm carving my own path forwards and stumbling and getting back on my feet.

It would be nice if one of my stories or posts could be the one that get's me more noticed or more engagements but I'm not after notoriety.

I think it would just be satisfying to write something that could reach people in a way that is unique to me.

I like all my fiction but the latest one on the blog at least, not on wattpad is my favourite one to date.

I just don't know how to bring it all together and then end it. I'm really trying to keep them short and fun but I want to develop it a lil bit so there is a bit of substance there.

I'm on chapter 15 of Lethal Curves Ahead and I can't wait to skip ahead to other storylines I have in my head.

I'm just trying to create some sort of love triangle, as per usual. You know me, I hate where there is only a solo hero. There always needs to be two candidates to make it less predictable.

The last time I published a chapter was November. Eeek, that's bad right??!!

At least I managed to finish it yesterday. I don't feel so clouded anymore, even with this freezing cold weather.

It's just past 9am and I hope the repair guy turns up soon. Would be nice if it is the same one I am used to dealing with but we shall see.

I'm hoping it is just the usual problem and not anything more serious. He already mentioned a backlog for spare parts which has me panicking slightly.

This week was difficult to get through as it is. I wish I could walk around in the furry fleecey heated blankie but I would probably trip over the plug :D

I hope you all have a fun, chilled or action packed weekend, depending on your interests.

I'll see you back, hopefully Monday :)

#BlogLife189 - Looney Tunes World of Mayhem 4

 A quickie update note. After pondering and procrastinating I have finally added gadgets to my toons.

I'm sticking to my instincts of only using the purply rares and using the same kind, whether it's the swordy, shieldy, plus. I think that's it.

As by using the same 4 types of gadget, poms for example, the hidden/bonus boost is activated.

For my Sea Goin Sam I opted for rare horned helmet, as either I had run out of poms, or for some reason I felt it was best.

Sword - Attack, mean't for attacker toons.

Shield - Defence, mean't for you guessed it... Defenders.

Plus/Cross - Health/HP possibly mean't for healers, unsure.

After looking at all of the gadgets. I only like the poms, I added four of the same to Hillbilly Hare and Nova.

I put two sword attackers and 1 shield defence and 1 plus/cross health. 

That is the way I've decided to do it, whether right or wrong and I'm not saying do the same, I just think I want an overall boost.

They are maxed up to 12 some of them and seem boosted slightly.

I've also started being more daring in the saloon. Now I just chance it and attempt to get to the jackpot, claim it and quit.

One of the youtube videos, said, watch closer at where the joker is and go for that or near it and that strategy has been working well.

I can't get past Tricky mode on the R&D no matter what toon combinations I try. I think I'm too weak.

Big war map isn't as scary as I had envisioned. I guess I have gotten a lot stronger with my toons and adding the core boosts evenly.

I do lose the occasional fight but win most of them. The trick is to half or double your opponent's total power because some of them are deceptively tough and will wipe out one or two of your weaker toons and you won't get that 3 star perfect score.

My only locked toons are Concierge Elmer, Zombie Sam, Coach Daffy, Countess Penelope. Lunar Toro and Raider Lola.

My most powerful toon keeps switching, it's currently Nova Bunny 39,095, 5 cosmics, tuned up to 34 and ranked at nearly 7.5.

Tip for everyone. Under the toon, hit the find button and you'll see where you can exchange for more pieces. It's not always available but for some dumb reason, the toon pieces you want, aren't always displayed.

Scopely in it's infinite wisdom has decided to hide them. They should have had a scroll system, that would have been better, we all have our toon preferences.

Last tip, save the gadgets for your most used toons, not all of them. It's expensive to do it that way and not needed.

Happy warring :D

For Nova Bunny let me list the gadget boosts as they have the maximum 12 stats.

47.2% attack

14.8% critical defence

9.9% tenacity

20.1% defence

18.9% debuff resistance

28.3% health

6.8% critical damage

These are random boosts, so yours may differ. I don't know if the above is good or bad but a boost is a boost.

For Hillbilly Hare :-

20% attack

23.7% defence

18% critical damage

58.8% health

3.6% critical defence

11.6% debuff resistance

10.5% tenacity

This looks different because I used 1 swordy pom, 1 defence pom and 2 health poms.

I hope this gives you a better picture, so you have an easier time, figuring it out.