J is not back!

I confess, I slipped up. I bumped into J and I honestly did stand fast in my resolution to dissolve whatever was between us and not communicate but even though I faced him and said I am not doing this.

We fell into old patterns. I hate that it is so easy to talk to him and he is just sooo irritatingly addictively easygoing to be with. I made it clear it was a one off conversation.

I am not backsliding or going soft. I think it hit me as I was thinking about it last night and trying not to over analyze what it meant.

He is just a terrible listener. For some reason I don't think I picked up on it before or maybe I had and forgot but I have told him really private specifics about my health and life and he just doesn't recall any of it.

Funny how the insignificant flirting, he remembers every detail. Ugh. That is not good enough. I think I get it now. If I had meant something real to him, he would have paid better attention and let the information sink in but he doesn't.

He just wants someone on paper that makes him smile for a bit away from life's strains and stresses. I deserve better. I need someone that takes it all in and cares and he doesn't.

It kills me a little that he will just act like he is super keen to prolong the time together and yet makes no effort to satisfy my needs just his own.

I am mostly over it. I haven't really thought about him of late. It was just seeing him out of the blue kinda made me stop short. 

I have a sneaky suspicion either he is playing dumb on purpose or manipulating me. I found myself repeating what the issues were and him being dumbfounded once more.

Arghhh! It is like talking to a brick wall with oodles of charm. On one hand he has a snake like charm enticing me further to stay and reconnect and on the other side there is just a blank personality.

I promised myself this time I wouldn't harp on about the phone calls so I put it in this way. That was the only thing I missed, the calls because that was when I really saw him.

The real him, unguarded. He didn't really comment and it struck me suddenly. That must be the whole reason he stopped calling.

He didn't want to unveil. He wanted to maintain a certain distance and coldness. I guess I take it personally. That he chooses not to be friendly but at the same time, will put off leaving in favour of staying close.

It made me a basket obsessing case before but no longer. That's his deal and mine is, I know what I want and need and I have the courage to speak out and ask for it.

It's up to whoever if they want to give it to me but it's also my choice to stick around. He said take care and I said goodbye. I maybe alone forever but at least I am not compromised.

I am not tearing myself inside out to please. I am standing my ground and fighting for what I want. It won't happen again. We won't meet and even if we do.

He is just not suitable. Take take take and not give and take. That is not how acquaintanceship works. It has to evolve.

Can you see me?

I mean really? I'm standing in front of you talking and yet, it feels like the words float past your ears without resonating what I'm trying to convey.

I'm attempting to come clean and admit that I'm having difficulties. That I am trying to avoid triggers and behave sensibly because if I don't my body and mind punishes me severely.

You ask me to take this and that with me and I'm tired of explaining it to you. I have strained my hands so much with heavy lifting. 

It is a joke. I can't frigging do it anymore. You can call me weak or dramatic but I have to carry that loaded bag with me and suffer with the strain.

I'm not getting assistance. I'm not able to call out. I have to sort it out myself. You're not around when I'm inwardly screaming and outwardly crying because I can't take the pain anymore.

I'm just typing or I'm just holding a phone or I'm just lifting or I'm just writing and it hurts so bad. You know what I used to do when you filled my bags up?

I would go to the nearest bin and throw it all away. The relief that I felt when my bag was actually manageable. You will never know.

I can look after myself you know. I do have enough supplies indoors. I don't need your excesses weighing me down.

If you really wanted to do something for me. You could try listening when I talk. You used to be a safe haven but now I feel irritated.

I wonder why I bother to open up sometimes. I talk and you talk over me and then you say something and I realise you weren't even paying attention.

You are a good person to others and you give them what they need but to me you are a let down. I found myself quite snippy with you which is unusual.

I don't like arguing or being stressed but you bring it out of me. All I can say is that I am glad to be home, where I can process my own thoughts and figure out what is bothering me.

If I can just write six more chapters. I'm sure I'll be done this time. Sigh. Thirty four done and it is all drawing to a close. I just need to get my character scheming and having closure and then I can end it.

Am I a player (of games)?

When I say game player. I don't mean slick femme fatale minxy, juggling dozens of guys on the go. I mean doing some stress busting while messing around with silly insignificant games on my phone.

I'm currently trying out Mistplay and Appstation on my Samsung phone. I think they are both just for Android users. As long as I am horsing around anyway, why not make some spare cash?

I just downloaded AppStation and as a welcome bonus I got 5,555 coins which is nice but I rushed to the cashout page to see how the rates were and to afford a £10 Paypal or Amazon voucher I need to earn 119,281 coins. Yowswer :o

Not looking so generous now is it? There is a long list of free and paid actions to acquire coinage. From 1,000ish to 92,000ish coins.

There is a lot of *new users only* in the small print. How do older users compete? What if they have completed all the required options and still can't cashout?

Another little note is that there is a time limit to finish the tasks. A few say, seven days and some say 14. Not good if you are more of a leisure gamer.

I'm not sure I can be bothered with this, compared to Mistplay. They gave me 200 complimentary units which is their currency and I need 2,100 for a £5 Amazon or 4,200 for a £10 Amazon card.

There are other rewards like John Lewis, Visa and Mastercard but I tend to stick with the Paypal and Amazon versatile options.

I installed Mistplay on New Years Eve and have tried a few games. Scrabble Go is a new favourite but each reward or action plays an advert unless you are willing to pay £4.49 a month to partially remove them.

I said partially because if you want the bonus items, you still have to watch a thirty second advert to receive them. Misleading a bit.

I've taken the seven day trial just for a bit of peace and so far my balance is 1,845. I would prefer a one off fee, if it was reasonable and included the removal of all adverts, even those to obtain game boosters or perks.

I've not tried cashing out so I don't know how smooth the process is. It can take up to 48 hours to receive it according to the blurb.

I'll update this post when I have or if I run into any difficulties. I'm also playing Coin Master which is more of a dull repetitive slot game where you build and create villages and plunder others.

It has the highest payout of coins at 4 and I just play every now and then to rise up the ranks and earn more. There are others to choose from and in the beginning it is easier to earn coins.

The negative aspects are that even though they are monitoring my usage. It is not accurately accounted for in the tally.

Also on my older phone, Coin Master wrecked the system and made it unstable. I had to quickly uninstall it. There are multiple times when it says, there's an error and you need to go back and click through from Mistplay to continue collecting rewards.

Way too many obtrusive adverts. Yes I realise they need to make money, while giving so much of it away but many times. Clicking off the advert cannot be done and it just links you to Google Playstore.

These are just my findings and your experiences might be different. One last tip and then I am off to try and get some sleep as I am returning home tomorrow.

If you have multiple devices as I have, These games are going to kill the battery. Load them up on your different phones and log in with Facebook and that way all the progress is saved.

Plus they will give you added extras. I downloaded Solitaire Grand Harvest and it's tripeaks which isn't my favourite and you also use your balance to play each round and you quickly burn that out trying to finish up.

Not too keen but at least the coins are going up when hitting the milestones. I guess to make the most of it. Choose one favourite game to play as often as you can and then pick high ranking games to earn quicker.

*10/1/21 Update*

I just redeemed my 4,100 points for an £10 Amazon voucher. Not too bad at all. Woohoo I just received it via email on the 11/1 that was really fast :)

* 2/2/21 Update*

It seems like monthly I will be able to redeem if I play the games regularly because I have just exchanged another 4200 points for a £10 Amazon card. 

Apart from the onslaught of in-game popups, it's a really fun way to get vouchers.

*21/2/21 Update*

I applied for my third Amazon voucher by signing up to the newsletter as I just had to collect four measly points to get to 4300. 

Bit cheeky that the point redemption price keeps increasing but it's all free so I can't complain too much :D

Seasonal faux pas

I'm still at mums which I didn't think I would be as I thought she said just for a week but meh. I'm irritated that I wasted money on two occasions. 

Firstly the Turkish Delight arrived today from Amazon and mama just gave me a funny look when she opened it and enquired why I bought it as she despises it.

I had to bite my tongue in frustration to remind her what she said on the phone which was she loves it and hadn't had it in ages and wished to purchase it.

She told me I was crazy and that I had misunderstood her and that she probably wasn't listening when I spoke. Grr! Pretty much insult to injury right there.

No matter, she will pass it onto other family members who will appreciate it. The second blunder was ordering a takeout dish that I hated because it was falsely advertised and I did it again, forgetting I had tried it and threw it away.

Actually my third mistake was chasing up the Freemans refund because they said it was on it's way and then promptly cancelled my order saying it was out of stock.

It turns out they didn't actually take the money from my account and so there was no need for a refund. I think the barely sleeping again is making me cranky.

I've just ordered some slippers on Shoezone. I took advantage of the two for £10 and they look pretty cute. I'll leave one at mums and take the other with me.

They are mens because they seem cuter and have a roomier size, with slippers I don't like them small and tight. I got dark blue with a soft furry insole and free postage,

None of the randoms have been in touch and I'll be blocking their numbers before the year is out as I always like a fresh start in the New Year.

I'm enjoying the old and new Christmas movies and am currently watching Dear Christmas with Jason Priestly and Melissa Joan Hart, seems cute and funny.

Having finished the Lindor hazelnut version. I'm not a huge fan. I'm glad I tried it and it was free but it is nothing compared to Ferrero which would have been quite highly priced.

It's definitely not something I would purchase again. I'll stick to Cadbury's or Ferrero or Divine. Now I just have to get a moisturising lip balm as my lips keep chapping,

I've tried vaseline, carmex and blistex so far and none do the trick anymore. I had to get a version without aloe vera as that makes me really nauseated.

I can't believe Shoezone messed up my order and delivered it to the wrong house via Hermes. Now will wait the 48 hours and probably get a refund.

I am so sleepy but at least I am now back home and can rest in my own bed tonight. It's been a really weird Christmas and New Years. 

Pity there is still no Hercai or Ramo uploads but maybe in the week hopefully. What a relief to be home and able to be cranky in peace :D