Christmas heart to heart

I can't recall the last time I had such a peaceful, dramaless holiday. 

Last month it turned out to be just me and mum for Christmas and it hasn't been just us for years. 

No arguments, no fear, no walking on eggshells. Sheer relaxation and contentment.

The other two were out of the picture and I'm sorry but I was just relieved. 

It was so down to earth and homey. We just let the festive playlists run and we sang along, watched every cutesy Christmas themed film we could and talked.

I decompressed and confronted my many fears about writing, expectations and confidence and my mum towards the end of the trip, once again apologised to me for expecting me to be the perfect daughter. 

It was too hard to hear and I mean't it when I said, there was no need. 

I omitted the part where I deduced that the reason she picked on me, was that I was defenceless. 

The boys were frighteningly aggressive and confrontational and I was completely destroyed and hollow as a person. 

The reason I decided not to give my opinion was because she kept blaming herself for being a bad parent but the only mistakes she made was the lack of discipline and consequences that weren't enforced. 

Every time my siblings did something horrendous she took the blame and covered it up. 

They never took any responsibility and learn't they could intimidate anyone in the house to get what they wanted without fear of reprisals. 

They are grownups who bully inside the home but outside are respectful and courteous.

I had no ego. I was empty and a shell of a person. A very easy target to my parents jabs. 

They had the idea they were motivating me to be better but when you are completely bare and emotionally beaten. There is no step ladder to success.

My writing, being able to finally express myself and share a piece of me, saved my life.

Why do I do this to myself?

It has not been the greatest of days. I got sold an inferior laptop charger and when I returned it for hopefully a replacement or fix. All the salesmen tried to convince me I hadn't even bought it there. It is so exhausting to have noone in my corner fighting on my behalf.

I could have yelled, screamed, swore but honestly with those types of nasty underhanded sales people it doesn't do any good. The only person humiliated and embarrassed is myself. My gut said just buy a replacement elsewhere but I opted for the quick fix and just settled on another one. I should have realised it was an inferior store when the warranty only lasted a month.

I didn't even keep the receipt. Thinking back nine months ago, here is what I remember. The one I bought from Amazon was a universal one and didn't work at all. The one I bought from their store the first time, I made sure was by Lenovo. I specifically asked because I didn't want a generic one and when I checked it out it did say Lenovo.

While the sales people were busy I compared the new and old charger and found an alarming difference. The first one sold to me was a cheap chinese knock off and the new one said Lenovo, so I'm thinking he switched the chargers when I wasn't looking and sold me an inferior one but today I was watching them like a hawk so no chance of a switch.

I've put the receipt in my laptop case, who knows how long this one will last. I know I should have bought it online but there are so many variations. It's too confusing.

Next I decided to browse the market and see if there were any new stores around, not that I had spare change lying around. I spotted a beauty store and thought I would treat myself to an eyebrow shape. I got screwed again. I politely asked if she could refrain from using threading because it feels like barbed wire cutting my face up and my eye area always bleeds afterwards, she agreed, then went ahead and only did half the work, basically leaving the excess hairs but giving the shape and I paid for it.

What is wrong with me?? It's not going to take long to pluck them away but that's not the point. I am such a wimp sometimes, avoiding confrontation. My only highlight was the comfort food I purchased from Pret A Manger. If you haven't tried them I highly recommend their selection of sandwiches and wraps. The bang bang chicken is a favourite of mine.

At first I thought they were sold out, but the sales guy went out of his way to look and locate them for me so that is lunch sorted. Oh yea and just because a lipgloss looks transparent don't take it for gospel. I bought a new one from Vova and assumed it was, caught sight of myself in the mirror at the beauty shop and almost screamed. It has the ugliest tint of reddy pink I have ever seen. I looked ghastly. I'm off to fix the right eyebrow now.

Hospital bureaucracy

I've been doing a lot better of late but I was quite stressed out. I usually get picked up by transport for my hospital appointments but now there are new rules and a new number which never works and it was for me to chase them up and see where I stood.

I was a little panicky because I really like that hospital and the staff are great so I didn't want to switch to somewhere local but I was given a new number and finally made some progress when I got through today.

She just said I shouldn't worry and to call back nearer my appointment time in November and they would assess me over the phone. Fingers crossed I still qualify.

I feel like I keep getting the raw end of the deal, not sick enough to qualify but too sick to do anything about it and the stress is killing me. I have a new person that I have to see and he is one of those black and white cutthroat types.

I am so sick and tired of being in the grey area of a health condition. No I'm not in a wheelchair, nor on crutches so anyone looking sees a normal girl, except when I walk a little and my face changes to reflect the pain and discomfort. 

Yes I can move unaided but my symptoms are severe enough to limit my activities.

Having to repeat my circumstances over and over is upsetting me. I have been referred to several people but either noone bothers to answer the phone or the help offered is not suitable.

This week I thought I've just had enough and ended up weeping down the phone. Why can't it be more straightforward? 

Why does the government see you as disabled if you're in a wheelchair and not disabled enough if you are mobile?

The receptionist sympathised, offered me yet another helpful number and told me to call them before cancelling my hospital appointment in February. 

My voice broke but I quietly thanked him, only to find as per usual. Noone answering the phone.

Tomorrow I'm definitely going to cancel the appointment and all further ties. I can't fight it anymore. 

I had hoped for a different outcome but the hospital is too far away and without transport, I just can't make it.