#BlogLife172 - All eyes on the freak

I'm breathing but I feel choked up. It doesn't feel as though there is any air passing through my lungs.

My hands aren't shaking but panic floods my senses.

I closed my eyes wishing it would depart. All eyes flicker on me.

Is she crazy? Get out of my sight FREAK.

Do you have any idea what it's like to have to involuntarily shut your eyes in the midst of a panic attack?

I can't look forwards because it's unfolding, that trigger I can't bear to watch.

I'm holding on to door, pleading with myself not to collapse.

There is no sense of how I can protect myself from this dangerous element.

I want to see my surroundings and feel safe, knowing where I am but I cannot open my eyes until I know it has passed.

It did but I can hear myself breathing and I feel shaky.

I managed to get my headphones on and listen to music and felt calmer and more in control.

I know that I won't feel normal until I am safely inside my home.

I managed to pick up some tissues, that I still cannot get from Iceland and I had completely run out.

It was 2 for £1 which was quite a bargain. I also selected some pocket tissues for a £1.

Topped up my oyster with £10 because the driver seemed to be in space...

I kept asking him if my card went through and he was staring at me blankly, so I just kept swiping until he eventually nodded.

When I asked my balance from the guy at the til he said minus £1 lol.

I was okay feet/legs wise but I just couldn't make myself go towards the takeout places.

I skipped breakfast and it's 2.08pm. I don't feel hungry as such but like yesterday I am trying to stick to a rough eating pattern and that helps to ground me in a sensible routine.

I went into that special supermarket again. I swear I am addicted, I walked past the bakery selection and wow they looked scrumptious.

I just had no idea, what any of them were. No labels and I felt embarrassed to ask.

I could have picked up desert but I was carrying drinks and crisps in my hands as the basket was too heavy to carry...

My second panic attack came when I realised once again they had moved around the bus I normally take home.

One minute it was showing on the timetable app and the next it was off.

I finally got up and checked the schedule only to see it had switched to somewhere that wasn't clearly marked.

I walked up and down as others were confused and it was just difficult to stay serene.

Eventually I checked on the opposite side and it was there. They have moved it to 2 different places so far.

I pointed out that another stranger was lost, was in the right area and he in turn told me the bus had arrived and was behind the current one.

I hadn't even noticed and had missed several buses while waiting. Grrr.

I feel okay now that I am back home but it was all I could do to stop myself having a meltdown.

No-one said anything mean but it was the looks. I really do feel weird and small.

I can't cope and I admit that freely. My eyes are now swimming with tears and it was a long time coming so that's a good thing.

I am really trying to curb my spending but just this once I might grab a takeaway from Just Eat.

There is a 20% off deal on Tuesdays. It's been yonks since I had a chicken hotdog and a chicken kebab burger. It's just a pity, they don't sell dessert :(

#BlogLife171 - I survived.......But did I really?

Firstly I'm sorry about the lack of a new post on Friday. Thoughts were running in my head but nothing seemed to piece together.

I assumed it would make sense but it never did so I decided on a long weekend. I spent most of it looking at this old drama that reminded me of Cracker.

It was called The Fall with Gillian Anderson. A show about a serial killer who you kinda saw inside their mindset but also against the contrast of the loner killer stereotype.

He was married with kids and was even a counsellor. It was bizarre but addictive. Enjoyed it until the end where it didn't quite feel satisfying....

Casting that aside it just made me think of traumatic experiences in general. How we as humans are supposed to forget and move on...

How if we survive a horrific ordeal, we are deemed "lucky." 

I can say with certainty that I didn't and don't feel fortunate. I have to live with it. I recall things randomly..

I was in the worst state possible, yet I couldn't shake this notion, that something even more excruciating was going to happen next.

The unthinkable had occurred, what on earth did I think could top that??

It eats away at me. I see these terrifying flashes in my dreams. There is no control, no safety, there is just abandonment, fear and danger.

My heart pounds, I'm sweating profusely and my breathing is ragged. I wish I could switch off but the sun hasn't set yet and it's too dark.

I don't want to switch on all the lights but neither do I want to be engulfed by darkness.

If I play party music at this point, my breath returns to normal and I don't feel so panicky.

I can remember all the times I pressed play and danced in my room or in some other place and there was nothingness.

I was singing or humming, with known or unknown lyrics/tunes.

It feels like a big YES. You are entitled to feel this way. No-one can disagree or change you..

The music sweeps me away with it and I can just be!!! I'm not wrong or right, I'm just free.

Don't try to pick me apart or understand, just go with it. Let me sway and sing and find a way to accept this state of maddening confusion and rage.

I can't make sense of it but I can let it just ride and be where it needs to be.

I'm not a riddle to be figured out. I don't get it, so what the hell makes you think you know me?

You don't and you never will!

I'm just sick of people asking me these superficial questions and then making snap judgements.

"Oh that must have been terrible but it's in the past!"

What people forget is that technically it is in the past because that's when it occurred but when you live with something daily and it lingers in your mind.

It's the past, present and future too. There's no getting away from it.

#BlogLife170 - Keeping up with the bucket's (pronounced bouquet's)

Do you remember that comedy? Keeping Up Appearances? It was a British show on TV about a woman and her husband and her neighbours and alleged friends.

She had an over inflated ego and a sense of entitlement. Wanted to be seen to be wealthy, a social butterfly and prestigious, however this always failed and people saw right through her.

I know someone like that so when we sat down to watch it as a family, me and mama shot each other knowing looks and laughed.

This person was judgemental and brash and cold. She couldn't sit still, the place always had to be spotless, trash emptied, whether the bag was empty or not and had to have brand names everywhere.

Her husband was the complete opposite, he was warm and friendly and down to earth. He would help anyone that needed it and would strive to make anyone feel welcome and jolly.

She was the queen of critique and always had to make snide comments and gossip. She was looked up to for a long time and her kids were the spitting image of her.

Unpleasant to be around. Then as time moved on and I got older, she lost her audience. People were less sociable. Everyone had their own family to contend with..

Her ego was deflated and maybe some confidence and you would think that would be a humbling experience for anyone but she continues to be slightly more bitter, needy and rude.

I just find it amusing how she always pitied and looked down on my mama, well all of us really and then it turns out, not many people want to be around her now.

Whereas my mama, who didn't have true friends or much of a social life, now is buzzing from place to place and constantly receives invitations to dinner.

I guess my point is, no matter who you try and pretend to be, the truth will out you eventually so you might as well make peace with it and show others respect.

#BlogLife169 - Looney Tunes Wold of Mayhem 3 - Gadgets/Encore

I still haven't equipped gadgets that have been around for ages. I've watched a few videos and heard some opinions but my own thoughts differ.

1. People recommend using 4 of the same type, poms, cleaners, helmets etc.

2. Supposedly it is best for attack gadgets to go with attacker toons and so forth.

3. Ignore the blue common gadgets and go for the purple rare and epic gold gadgets.

I had 10 million gold currency and now I am hovering around 6 million.

I didn't twig that the whole of the Encore event was unlocked, so you can pick any row and just start playing. 

I thought you had to pass the stage for it to be playable. I spent a lot of money upgrading the toons because none of them are maxed and they are now dying.

I still haven't gotten Treasure Hunter Tweety but I'm close.

For me personally if I am going to spend that much money, I want a really useful boost and you get that with the purples and gold typically.

Furthermore I don't have many gold gadgets, maybe 2. I did want to attach some purple poms also but again I only have 2. Ooh I just got an extra one, is that a sign?

Should I mix up gold and purple, epic and rare gadgets?

Is it better to have everything the same or wait for more premium gadgets or should I apply them anyway?

I'm not sure how much of a difference it will amount too and frankly I don't want to go below 5 million, it's handy for ranking/tune up costs.

I just want to focus on my healers primarily as when they die, my team expires.

Nova bunny and Hillbilly Hare, I use a lot for brawling, arena and at times R&D.

The rest is probably Grand Duke Sylvester, Contraptionist Egghead, Sea Goin Sam, Cannoneer Canasta, Van Wile, 

The other offputting thing is the cost of improving them isn't cheap.

12 I think is the maximum stage. I mean we do have to upgrade them anyway for the daily quests..

I've personally been recycling the blue commons for scrap pieces.

I could be too fussy or over thinking? I still feel confused :D

Overall I really like this Encore event, for me it's a vast improvement on regionals.

We can use and stack up the regular energy. I had just over 1k of that and now it's all gone.

No materials, unless we buy them but the stages are unlocked and although tricky, some are doable. Most actually.

Plus free legendary/epic pieces to acquire in the daily calendar. 

Fun wheels to spin and interesting option in the store to exchange the event currency.

What do you think of it? I hope they give us free Iron collars on the last day to spin the legendary wheel...

It would be sad to get this close to unlocking Treasure Hunter Tweety and then fail :(

My Iron Mutt is 6 stars and 3 cosmics. My Speedy is 5 stars and 4 cosmics. 

My flaming succotash is 6.4 stars and 4 cosmics. My Super Coyote is 6.3 stars and 3 cosmics.

Lastly I have 225 Tweety pieces.

I think the reason I am addicted to the game is, it relieves me of stress and pains.

I am having a hard time sleeping so I feel agitated and rough but playing games just helps me feel lighter.

I can forget that I have deep rooted fears inside me. I can dismiss the unease I feel when I try to move about.

It doesn't stop me from being productive, it just helps soothe my mind a bit.

#BlogLife168 - Winter skin thirst

Sometimes it feels like no matter how much I hydrate my skin with lovely products it is never enough.

My elbows are cracking away, one minute healed and the next minute dry again. It's never quite balanced to be honest grr.

However I thought I would share what helps me, as these products are exceptionally soothing..

Bath products -

Radox bath soak sage and sea minerals

Johnsons/Vaseline gel oil

Body products -

Dove pro age body butter

E45

Oilatum

Face Products -

Himalaya tangerine face wash

Yesterday I ran out of my Ayumi face wash and today I opened up the Himalaya face wash and was excited to try it.

It looks like a really thick orangey gel substance and I put a generous heap on my face brush as it's the weekend.

It didn't foam up while I was spinning it and a strong smell of tangerines hit me which was delightful as I love citrus scents.

One of my all time favourites in beauty supplies. As I was rotating my brush it didn't feel heavy at all, it started to foam up and just felt refreshing and as though everything was being drawn out of my face.

I just soft and cleansed and as though I didn't require a moisturiser for a week. 

This is only my first use and I may feel differently by the end of this experiment but so far I feel great.

The funny thing was, I got about ten seconds into it and my brush died. Ha. I had been meaning to charge the battery, however it just slipped my mind.

Now while I have it in my sights, I've stuck the epilator and brush on the chargers. I have an acne scar on my face, I'll be curious to see if it'll be gone soon..

Ooh just an update for the morning, my face still feels incredibly revitalised. I'm not used to that feeling being prolonged.

It doesn't seem oily or dry for once, it feels as though it was already washed. I'm really starting to love this product.

I still recommend alternating face products as you skin needs a fresh approach so that it doesn't get used to it but I would definitely purchase it again in my rotation :)

The price was just over £3.

#AgonyLife10 - Dear SS Why am I such a bitch/bastard to my volunteer? *Contains strong language* (fictiony)

Firstly I appreciate you owning up to that. It could not have been easy to admit who and what you are to not only moi but the rest of the world.

Secondly isn't that more of a question for you to self reflect over?

I don't know your story and I'm sure your volunteer is trying their best.

You are obviously in need of some support so why would you readily antagonise the one person, trying to be there for you, for free?

This volunteer is not being paid a salary, they are not just there to take your crap to make you feel better.

Their purpose is to give up some of their free time and see if they can make a difference in your life.

They are human beings talking without a script, delving into the unknown.

I'm not saying be smiley and gushy. Be in that valid emotion, angry, sad, happy, whatever but don't dare take your shitty attitude out on someone innocent.

Furthermore. I hate to break it to you, no actually I am loving it. Your life is less than perfect. It is a catastrophe.

Your volunteer's life isn't sunshine and roses either but unlike you, she has real problems and deals with it gracefully.

She helps herself and addresses the issues that arises. She isn't an immature baby that is falling apart.

Think about that, while you are continually shouting abuse and saying No No No...

You don't know what you are talking about, you haven't focused on my calamities.

Newsflash whiny person, the volunteer has.. You are just to self absorbed to realise it.

While you crumple in your stagnant demeanour I am off relaxing and humming to music.

Lastly I actually would have spent however much time you needed hearing you out and offering up some really useful suggestions but you lost out.

Maybe the next person will be better, possibly not. They might just go through the motions.

A lot of them clock watch, 15-20 minutes and say goodbyeeee, me I try to give more. Oh well...... 

Sucks to be you!!! 

Now you'll realise the difference between someone that cares and someone going through the motions. 

Pity it's too late!! 

The funny thing is, it was an easy doable fix, you're just to lazy to do it and prefer to be a dick and throw an adult tantrum!!!

Ps. 

I guess the above is my thoughts swirling inside my head. 

Just because your life, of your own making is a disappointment, don't expect me to play therapist!!

If you are that desperate, seek a genuine psychiatrist, you obviously think you are being short changed.

They won't tolerate your pathetic excuses though.

I was on your side willing to listen and help but what do you do to show your thanks?

You don't show me any respect, don't listen and can't even try to understand how I was trying to assist you.

FUCK OFF!

You are lucky I can't say this to you and I never actually would but not being able to call someone out on their bs is difficult, being someone that has been abused a lot.

The horrendous part of all of this is that after taking your bullshit, the volunteer has to then politely end the conversation.

It's like showing respect to someone monstrous. I hate that part!!!

#BlogLife167 - Picky pasta/noodle preferences updating

As winter is settling in and the days are getting chillier. I grabbed a few different brands of pasta pots to try out. 

I don't have hot drinks loaded with sugar so this is an alternative to warm me up from the insides.

I have just tried for the first time Soba Yakitori Chicken for a £1. It smelled good. It came with free soy sauce I guess it was. A tiny packet but adequate.

I mostly filled it with water, do not drown it completely, otherwise it will spill over and they recommend three minutes in the microwave but I have found four works better.

Mix it thoroughly and then put it in for that extra minute helps it to cook properly. I then let it stand for a few minutes and it was done.

It was nice, it had seasoning and flavour to it but I have had a lot better. I don't think I would buy it again, I'm sure there are better versions out there.

To date my favourites are Batchelor Macaroni and Cheese which is probably now discontinued. This version was in an Americany style box and it was delicious.

They then cheaped out and did a pot version and took the flavour away and it's really bad.

There was another one Tesco used to sell in a yellow tub but I can't remember the make, that was tasty.

I bought a few others and will add my notes here, when I've sampled them.

**Update**

I kept the Soba tub and am now trying the Super noodles, chicken flavour. I don't recall sampling this before and it smells great.

For such a small packet, they pack a lot into it. It was 60p and I had to break it up into small pieces, apply the sauce, fill it with water and only cook it for 2 minutes firstly to break it down.

I'll let it dissolve and then maybe more water and another two minutes should suffice.

At one and a half minutes it was close to bubbling over, so I have just switched off the microwave and left it to set so that the water can evaporate.

I find usually there is water/sauce left at the end but it's better that the pasta is thoroughly cooked.

It doesn't ever taste watery though, which is the nice thing. Usually it has a hint of whatever seasoning they use in the packet :)

They also look different to how I imagined them, they aren't skinny noodles, they are quite dense.

Conclusion, certainly much tastier than Soba, careful you don't water down the flavour though.

Highly recommended to wave off the chill and fill you up.

**Update**

I tried out Batchelors chicken and mushroom pasta as I like the mushroom sauce but not the actual mushrooms themselves.

I didn't taste any mushroom bits, thank goodness and it smells like soup. Very appealing.

This seemed to cook really fast even with chunky pasta. The sauce was enough and after about 3 minutes..

I just left it to set. For me it's filling because my appetite is still weird, so I can happily snack rather than partake in a big meal.

I also tried out the Batchelors bacon mac n cheese because I was craving macaroni and that was the only version left.

Cooking it smells horrendous as I never cared for that pork scent.

It cooked fairly quickly after 3 minutes and wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Probably just on the dry and salty side. It was alright but with a hint of bacon which I was hoping would be more non existent, it's my least favourite of the bunch.

**Update**

I have just tried the Mugshot Roast Chicken version and I thought that would be a high quality product but I hated it and binned it.

It was bland and didn't cook properly unlike the others. Soft and gloopy and had no taste whatsoever. I won't be buying it again, it was awful. Ick.

#BlogLife166 - My brain vs his

 Afternoony all. I hope your day is going swimmingly :) Mine is okay. I just feel bloated and tired and wondering if I am going to start my period this month or skip.

At least I don't feel sickly anymore. Sucks looking at how my bills are skyrocketing. I had the budget down perfectly and now have to readjust my spending.

Actually I can look at it in a positive light, less money to spend on sweet sugary snacks..

I checked my other email and saw two new ones and thought Ooh maybe a potential new penpal but then I read it and felt disgusted.

He was looking for someone he had previously spoken to, who he wanted to have an affair with..........Seriously......On a penpal site, you're trawling for booty???

Yeeesh! I've moved it to spam and the other was from a random who just wants to flirt 24-7.

Isn't there any part any of your mind that craves intelligent conversations? Sigh......

I'm really not getting to have the ongoing chats, I prefer. It's just introductory banter and after a while, answering the same questions over and over is tedious.

I don't know if I'll bother to respond or just block, as I can try and redirect the chat but eventually, it all creeps back to flirting.

Yawn.. Zzzzzz......Wake me when the brain outside of your trousers arises and wants a legitimate interaction.

#BlogLife165 - I didn't say that..

Why do we convince ourselves that it is better to keep silent?

Hmm what am I thinking? Ohhh nothing. I'm fine, yep perfectly adequate.

When in reality, it's.. 

Are you blind? Can't you see I'm in turmoil? How did you not notice or care enough to ask me follow up questions huh huh?

Other times we could rationalise it and say.. 

You know, I actually don't have anything on my mind but even if I did, it's not like people want to hear about it..

Honestly some people don't care and others are preoccupied and some are just not equipped to handle it.

You can either, look for someone that will be by your side and listen properly to all that you have to say or you can find another way to vent.

Don't keep giving your time up and aid others who do not do the same for you.

None of us are saints. Why don't you deserve the same in return? Why are you any less important than the ones you are propping up, making them feel better?

If you do on the other hand, have someone in your corner, encouraging you to speak, then let them in.

It doesn't matter if it's a small or big issue. It will be a huge relief to get it off your mind and that person will feel closer to you and fortunate that they could be there for you.

If however they turn it on themselves and don't act kindly but instead behave badly and attack you for opening up and being vulnerable then that is a big red warning flag that they only care about themselves.

One person should be strong to cater for the other persons needs and then it should be vice versa.

If you are not being looked after, what is the point?

#AgonyLife9 - Dear SS How can I manage my money better?

Well I don't know how old you are but the more we age, the more responsibilities and expenses we have.

I can recommend some basic changes and just being honest with yourself about what you can realistically afford.

1. List all the basic necessities, whatever applies to you. Could be the..

mortgage/rent payments, 

gas, 

electricity, 

water, 

food, 

phone, 

oyster/petrol, 

tv licence, 

insurance,

etc..

2. My bills mostly come out monthly, but I do a food shop weekly. After you have calculated all those costs and compared it to whatever income you have.

3. See if there is an excess for anything else.

4. You can start putting money aside to save for something in particular or just general fun money or you can use it for socialising or any or other hobbies you have.

5. Christmas is next month for whoever celebrates it but say you have an occasion where you are buying a lot of things. Take out a prime trial and you won't have to pay the delivery costs.

6. Shop around and compare prices. Just because something is brand name, it doesn't make it better. Look for alternatives.

7. Sign up for the newsletters and use those first purchase codes, to your advance, save a small fortune.

8. Do not impulse buy, have a list and stick to it, you are beginning to save already.

9. Look out for free samples and claim yours.

10. Use cashback or sites like Vipon to get discounts or money back on things you already planned to spend money on.

11. Regularly share deals and offers with friends, then they are more likely to inform you back, when there is a juicy perk on the go.

12. Sell a bunch of outdated things that you no longer have use for, either in a car boot sale or places like Ebay/Amazon when there is a special free or low cost sellers fee.

13. Either cut out or find a more reasonable price for the luxuries you desire.

#AgonyLife8 - Dear SS why do I and certain others think me-time is selfish time?

Good question. I think it's because when we are younger it is drilled into us to be there for other people and suppress our own valid needs.

I can't speak for anyone else but I know that I grew up thinking whatever I needed or wanted was selfish and unnatural to feel that way.

Don't think about yourself........What does X,Y, Z need?

Instead of sitting there happily with your book, why don't you see if X needs a hand?

I know you are not in the mood but go and talk to X, Y and Z, it's the right thing to do, to make them feel better.

I think somewhere down the line we forget to take care of ourselves. What we want, what we require and that isn't selfish that's normal.

Do you find close ones put a massive guilt trip on you if you step away?

That isn't fair of them, unless it's a child but even then hopefully they will give you a hug or some kind words of appreciation.

For a grownup this is completely separate. We all have the right to take some space for ourselves. Figure out what we need to feel better.

A nap,

An adult colouring book,

A jigsaw puzzle,

An experimental new recipe,

A walk,

A swim,

A steam,

A game,

A chat,

A book,

A beauty treatment,

A bubble bath,

Karaoke,

Your favourite film/tv show,

A massage,

A hair appointment/scalp massage,

Shopping (retail therapy I call it).

Whatever it is, don't feel bad about it. Say to yourself, I work hard, I support others and I deserve this.

My desires are just as crucial as everyone else's. Other people do it and don't feel bad, why shouldn't you??

Also by taking this time for yourself, you're actually turning into a better person, because the stress is alleviated and you have more energy, more drive to accomplish limitless possibilities.

#BlogLife164 - Daily routine process

How are you all feeling today? It's terrible but sometimes I forget to check in and just scramble to get my thoughts down before they evaporate?

Me? Thanks for asking I'm emotionally good, physically a bit achey in the hands, neck and shoulders. Winter is not my bodies friend.

Here is how my day usually goes, for anybody that may wonder..

I wake up ridiculously early having about 5/6 hours of sleep. More than that on a good day. I check in with myself before I open my eyes.

How do I feel? Am I in really bad pain? Do I need additional rest? Do I feel alright getting up at this time?

I know that as soon as my eyes pop open and I check the time that I most probably won't be able to return to slumber.

Then if it's after 9am or I feel rested I wake up properly. I reach for my glasses and head to the bathroom to freshen up. 

I don't typically use my face brush in the mornings or even daily. I'm not sure how others use theirs but I don't feel I need too.

My face and skin are pretty good for my age. I stick to a face wash with my hands and that's it.

Hmm honestly I just missed a step. If I want to be transparent, after I reach for my phone and check the time...

I check in with Looney Tunes and collect the rewards ha. Guilty I am obsessed with the game as evident on my twitter account.

Then I see if there are any new penpal email requests, which has not been going well. I don't understand how you can reply to an advert that specifically is not tailored to you?!

I had to make it a bit long to include important stuff and you assume people would scan the relevant bits. Aka what I am looking for...

But nooooo all these random people email, well a few and say.....They don't even put I'm sorry I'm not quite what you are looking for......

Just hey it's me.......Zzzzzz

Moving on with a smile :) I check the blog and see if there were any new hits overnight. Usually there are a few, not always for the latest posts but welcome all the same :)

Then I put my contact lenses on and load up asmr on Youtube in the background. Either I have already written the day's post and just ready to publish it and add the link on twitter....

Or I need to finish it off or like today. I had nothing in mind and just randomly this popped into my head and I thought okay, we'll see if this is piquing anyone's interest today :D

I usually work for a bit and then grab food but today I was more peckish so I made cheese toasties and had it with vimto. 

(My childhood favourite drink). There is just something crisp and flavourful about blackcurrant and berries in general. Lush and refreshing.

Usually while I munch I just put something on. There was no new episodes so I just played an old episode of Hey Arnold. The one wear Grandpa is supposedly croaking.

It kinda struck me how Arnold's grandparents marriage lasted so long. They don't seriously nitpick each other. It's just teasing and a lot of indulgence.

If one or the other is going through something, they let them go with their mood, not try to fix or change it. It just struck me how admirable that is.

Most people just try and help help help but all we need is an active presence just saying I'm around for you, no pressure to talk or be happy, just bear it in mind..... I'm nearby.

Then I'll load up the volunteer thing and see if anyone is in need or any subjects call me. I try to mix up the themes and if I see a familiar name I just won't click on it.

I am not going to be your crutch and I know that whatever I have said has given you the tools to start making a difference. 

One thing that really annoys me is a member not listening at all. If I click on the knowing name and they repeat the whole thing.......

Like I have heard before a dozen times with other members, which is why I don't do it. It's tough to keep my temper in check.

I'll do it but I'll be brash and that person should have someone with a fresh take who has more time and patience.

There are also a fair few people that don't respond and then some time later will try for another chat. 

I used to accept, only for them to not respond once again which is rude and a waste of my time, so if they don't make themselves available the first time around, then their loss.

I don't have endless sympathy and understanding to loiter for a possible response.

My time is the same as yours, valuable. Depending on how that has gone....

Some are good, some terrible. I might need to unwind a bit and listen to music or game for a while and then I'll get started on a new post or the next book chapter.

Today's chat took an hour and I don' usually spend that long. Twenty minutes is supposed to be the norm. Very few are short.

The rough time scale is probably half an hour. I felt like this person needed to talk, more than most, so I allocated more to them.

I have no idea what to write for next week and I am still working on this foodie story but I can't work out if I should make him a good or bad guy.

I have the title ready. It's cute. Usually the time that I stop focusing on what to create, my brain taps me and say ahem...

What about this......? Or this? You could explore that? Have you forgotten about......?

The point is, if you are devoid of inspiration, don't force it, don't put pressure, relax and it will come, I promise :)

Then fast forward to the evening where my eyes are closing but it's too premature for sleep and I'll struggle.

Then when it is bedtime, I'll be wired that's why I can chat for a bit because my brain gets an invisible caffeine boost and I'm hyper.

I guess I am still trying to avoid going to sleep. My dreams are truly all to real and scary. It doesn't feel imaginary, there are details and images that have no place being there.

Then I'll wash my face again. I generally just use the face brush and mask only at the weekends because I want to get the most out of it, like a treat.

It's only if I am having a nasty breakout will I do both mask and brush to clear my face a bit. I still won't leave it on for long. 

Just a minute or so for both of them. I tend to just forget if I leave in on longer and then wonder why my face feels weird haha :D

#BlogLife163 - Epilators - From hair to nowhere

What is an epilator? 

For me it's a exorbitant miracle device. It's an electronic hair removal apparatus that uses tweezers to pull the hairs out.

What brands have I used?

I think I've only used two. Braun which cut my legs to shreds and was really painful and broke and Panasonic which was a lot less irritable and easier.

The braun lasted a year and died. The first Panasonic lasted four years and the second one is going on now for seven years which I find astounding!!

What is the rough cost and do you have any tips?

At around £80 you better believe I searched everywhere on preservation tips and the best one was..... As soon as you finish using it, rinse the head under the tap to avoid clogs and eventual ruin.

Does it hurt, tell the truth??!!

People kept saying if you can handle waxing, you can take an epilator. I only found my armpits painful when it came to waxing.

Oh except for the bikini line, never again. Oh wait, the back of the legs are no picnic either.

There are so many different kinds, wet and dry, ice, specific regions, corded/uncorded..

I must have watched a dozen youtube videos and cringed. I read what seemed thousands of reviews and did my research for this epic investment.

For waxing you need a certain amount of growth but for epilating it is supposed to work on short hairs also.

Another tip for razor bumps/burn is aloe vera. That stuff is gold. Exfoliating regular is also a must and as painful as it makes it, go slowly, not fast, to get to the roots.

What is your recommendation?

If you can afford it, definitely go for the wet and dry, that is a game changer!! It's almost fun to use it in the shower and it hurts a lot less.

Where do I use it?

Arms,

Hands,

Chin,

Lip,

Armpits (which often catch a bit of skin and hurts)

Legs/Thighs,

Bikini (I tried once and I actually think it was so painful I may have wept lol)

Where have I seen a difference in less growth?

My arms, my chin, my legs, mostly my thighs. The hairs used to be really dark and then became softer, thinner and a bit lighter.

My thighs especially have patches of no hair growth at all anymore.

A final confusing confession

When I was really little I was fascinated about shaving so I tried it once and that coupled with the handheld tweezing, made it go from a few hairs to a lot more.

There is now quite a few which I hate but the weird thing is, the right side of my face has stopped hair growth but the left side has a lot.

Maybe I haven't been epilating properly.....?!

#AgonyLife7 - Dear SS I recently lost someone and haven't cried yet, Am I normal?

Firstly I am very sorry for your loss whether it is a broken relationship or a permanent death of someone.

I hope that you have anyone, as in  family/friends/colleagues/doctors/therapists around to help you through it.

Some people try group therapy as it is easier and others keep a diary or you could start a memory journal? Recall your highlights and preserve those forever.

Do something special in their name or dedicate a vlog/blog/social media account and share things that you never got to before.

Also if you never got to say goodbye, why not write a letter and do it in that method instead? You could choose to burn it after or keep it and write more.

Just to release it from your mind and so that you have something to look back on, on the days where you are struggling.

Not everyone cries straight away. This does not mean you are unfeeling or abnormal. This just means that you are processing this turn of events in your own way.

It is really tempting to block it out and pretend you are over it straight away or soon after but I would advise against this as grief tells to spill out inconveniently and very publicly.

That is the last thing you want. People pointing, gawping and staring.......No no no no! Remember that what you are feeling is normal.

There is no perfect reaction. Just because someone else is hysterical or depressed, it doesn't mean you have to react in the same way.

The way I did things was trick my brain. I thought I had prepared myself so not weeping was a tad understandable to me.

I knew it was coming and had seen the deterioration unfolding and it was inevitable. Yet others around me were falling apart and the guilt ate me alive.

Until someone said. It's okay. It will be alright. This is just how you personally are going through bereavement. Then I just nodded, mumbled thanks and felt weightless.

I didn't know that my brain was trying to protect me. It numbed me for a year. Maybe you are the same or possibly not.

I am going to do something different and attach a poem that spoke to me. I hope it offers you comfort too.

Don't tell me that you understand

Don't tell me that you know,

Don't tell me that I will survive

Or how I will surely grow.

 

Don't tell me that this is just a test

That I am truly blessed

That I am chosen for this task

Apart from all the rest.

 

Don't come at me with answers

That can only come from me,

Don't tell me how my grief will pass,

That I will soon be free.

 

Don't stand in pious judgement

Of the bounds I must untie,

Don't tell me how to suffer

And don't tell me how to cry!

 

My life is filled with selfishness,

My pain is all I see,

But, I need you now,

I need your love, unconditionally.

 

Accept me in my ups and downs,

I need someone to share,

Just hold my hand and let me cry,

And say, "My friend, I care."

Joanetta Hendel

#BlogLife162 - Christmas unease

 It's only the mere start of November but I can't help circling my thoughts back to Christmas. You're set to move, well hoping to do it this year.

That in itself is stressful enough but to host Christmas too? That seems unfair. I've told you what I think, that it's okay to skip this year, if it's too much.

You're not sprightly anymore. My head is spinning, moving again at my age but being somewhere that has a lift is a more sensible option for you.

I always thought it was strange that you picked an apartment with stairs but maybe you figured it was good exercise? I know for me that's too painful.

I'm not sure I completely understand how you will go from managing your finances to struggling. Why would you put yourself in a position where you will have issues paying bills?

All this is none of my business, which I why I can't comment. The others are encouraging you to go for it and I just want you to be happy, wherever you end up.

The bond between us is back to being severed. I don't think it ever truly healed or maybe the delicacy of it was unable to bear anymore scrutiny...

I do love you and care about your well-being but the things that come out of your mouth are continually disrespectful and cutting remarks.

I know now that it's not something that will be mended. To do that, you would have to change your behaviour, attitude and I don't see that happening.

You have a blindspot when it comes to being civil to me. No of course it is not all bad and I can have the odd conversation with you in short bursts.

However thinking about it.. In relation to certain subjects. Your philosophy stinks and I enjoy your company less. I share very little.

I wish that you were aware of how you alienate me. That you could see, hmmm, maybe I should be more considerate and less damaging..

I will linger around but I have always known, in my case, water has always been and will continue to be thicker than water.

Strangers are more decent than people I know. People I grew up with or befriended..

It shouldn't be the case but it is. 

If I said.......

I'm unhappy but things will be okay..... All you would hear would be, so you're okay then? Great. Moving on, back to me....

If I said I wanted to share something...

You would say....... Oh look at the time, I have to call someone and by the way a weird thing happened with blah d blah and did you know.......?

You're an expert at talking over me and not distinguishing when I'm rambling and when I really desperately need an ear and a sympathetic one at that!!!

Shrugs... It is what it is and has always been. It's not spite but neither is it love.

#Bloglife161 - Curiosity killed Garfield 2 (Q and A)

I'm not entirely sure what you want to know about me. I'll be random as per usual.

Do you have any kids? If no, do you want any?

Nope and no. I was born without the selfless gene. The struggle and lack of support is not worth it.

Were you ever popular? 

In secondary school school I was discovering who I was and had quite a few friends.. 

However on closer inspection, they were judgemental acquaintances.. 

Have you ever felt optimistic and hopeful?

There have been those times but I prefer to be grounded and not have my head in the clouds assuming everything will go smoothly without any hiccups.

Look, regarding your love life.. To be blunt, what went wrong? 

I do hope that accusation isn't directed at moi? 

From a very young age, I had this inkling I would end up alone.

Call it bad luck, bad dates, bad everything really..

The worse dating became, the more I blamed myself.

I'm not cute enough.. 

I'm not intelligent enough..

I'm not skinny..

I'm not open.. 

I'm not perfect.. 

It was just so depressing seeing people around swing from relationship to relationship and I hadn't any at all. 

I even settled hoping these cheaters/abusers/liars would suddenly be nice. 

Nothing helped or worked and I suppose, by the time I reached my mid twenties..

I think I was drained and bruised and sick of feeling inadequate and lonely. 

I decided to make peace with being an old maid, a spinster, a singlet and my favourite..

Married to myself and far happier than trying to find love, respect and a closeness that eludes me.

That's a definite, my arms are folded flirting is wasted, I'm disinterested in anything but a chat.. 

What games are you playing? 

Solitaire Cruise, Looney Tunes World of Mayhem, English Crossword Puzzle and Criminal Stories which is a recent addition.

It's a detective point and click game. It doesn't really have hidden objects, just areas to explore and with the hint system you never get stuck.

The downside is waiting for refills to progress and also you need to watch adverts to get another booster which is needed for the story to be more widely completed. Not ideal.. but interesting.

I finished Alice Reformatory For Witches. Fun but needed the walkthrough for bits of it. 

Another cute former game was Cluedo with multiple endings similar to the board game. 

I can't remember the other point and click game, investigating as a cop with a flirty clumsy seemingly over confident cop and she was oblivious to his attraction ha. 

The dialogue was great. 

You promised us a vocal rendition of your stories, which I'm hoping will improve someday.. 

Miowww no need to be catty. I'll think about it. I don't want to make promises yet. 

As for the stories. I'm trying to develop my writing skills. Have patience with me please :D

Who is the latest random? 

Noone, I'm just focused on non flirty things at the moment. 

What causes your insomnia? 

Stress or pain/discomfort or bad dreams or early appointments. 

Why don't you post on the weekends anymore? 

I felt as though all I was doing was constantly writing. It was far too much. 

I need to have some mind numbing leisure time to switch off. 

If a random came into your life that was everything you wanted but gave you a stipulation that he never wants to be featured In your blog, what would you say? 

Probably go screw yourself and go back to timbuktu, where you belong. 

I get so much clarity and healing from writing things out. I need to be able to do that. If there was a way to compromise, I would consider it but if it was an ultimatum, forget it!

Who are you subscribed to on Youtube? 

I chop and change quite frequently as some stop uploading, but presently.. Toni Bomboni who does asmr, Oglplays who does game hints and play.

Whispered Distraction who does asmr and makes you think about life in general. Also Asmr soldier, plus Ycey Narrates which makes me chuckle.

Why do you think your friendships never last?

It's really hard for me to share what's inside but eventually I do but I don't get the same in return which annoys me. It's like they push me to reveal things but it's fine for them to remain impersonal.

It's just unequal and the effort seems wasted. I just see it as pointless. I have acquaintances that I can talk to superficially and for the rest, the blog takes care of it.

Finally tell us some of your favourite songs and movies?

This is it? It's finally over? Phewww. I was perspiring like crazy. I am so relieved it closes with easy questions, you really do like sneaking in, multiples, don't you?? Tut tsk.

I don't have favourites as such but there are quite a few I could listen to or watch over and over and not get bored with.

Sam Smith - Dancing with a stranger

Maxwell - Get to know ya

Blackstreet & Foxy Brown - Gotta get you home

Robert Palmer - I didn't mean to turn you on

Mickey Avalon - Jane Fonda (weirdest lyrics)

Jennifer Lopez - Ain't your mama

Madonna - What it feels like for a girl

UB40 - Reasons

Films...

The Cinderella Pact/Lying To Be Perfect

The Mirror Has Two Faces

Holiday in Handcuffs

Flight Before Christmas

Christmas Caper

Bridget Jones Diary

The Protector

Dilwale

Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge