#BlogLife1052 - Look away, the joys of double dipping

I just had to have small bites and then I could stomach food. A fun thing I've just tried with the pakoras...

Is dipping it in the mint raita first and then the spicy burger sauce and the combination is sooo yum.

It doesn't taste too burny and it makes the unevenly seasoned pakoras taste way better than they are.

It's like they made onion bhajis and then decided to add the pakora ingredient spinach to make it pakoras lol.

I didn't realise but mixing them together, lowered the spice levels, so I could have more of it.

Restaurants have a nasty habit of sweetening the raita dip and it ruins it for me, but this was left savoury, not salty, just packed with flavour so I didn't waste it.

Maybe I'm bloated and that's why I can't eat much? Please no more periods for a while.

I want my stomach to be normal. Gosh do I have to be skin and bone for all these problems to go away?

I'm almost tempted to go back to starving myself but nope I've come a long way from unhealthy steps.

I guess I'm just a lil frustrated from being tender and uncomfy, when there is no reason I should be.

I'm full but maybe just one more.... It was soo nice..

I feel better today. I slept good. At the moment it feels easier to rest. I still wait until I'm exhausted but the asmr seems to knock me out.

I've done lil bits of tidying. All I have left is to do a bit of mopping and some wiping before Friday's maintenance appointment and that's it.

I'm trying not to think about strangers invading my safe space. Not knowing what their attitudes will be like..

Bit odd, UC said the landlord confirmed the housing costs but they never mentioned to me, I should be paying less.

It's so corrupt! I'm still going to ask at the end of April, the official rent....

We shall see.. I still have to find a day where I'm energised and not feeling off to go and get my brows done, that's proving difficult.

The buses still aren't stopping inside the bus station, so to get to the mini Tesco, is too much of a trek for me.

One of the randoms seem to have ghosted me, 5 days and nothing.

It's odd that he added me to discord and then disappeared. It makes no sense.

I told him something personal, on the surface he accepted it, but maybe not...

I don't really know if I should block him or not, could be busy? Something tells me though, he's just changed his mind about me.

After all......... He is a J and J's and SS's do not last long ha! So funny but so true.

#BlogLife1051 - Understimulated

Although there is a lot that annoys me about 7 Cups, the  censorship, lack of support etc..

The one thing I do enjoy from the members and Listeners are the discussions about a variety of topics.

It could be lighthearted or really deep and meaningful and it really tickles my brain to have to think about what I'm sharing.

Plus people add things, you don't necessarily think about so it's thoroughly interesting to read it all and get involved.

But in the back of my mind, now I'm always thinking, Oh is this going to stay up, or will it be removed??

Although the randoms have their uses, for entertainment purposes, there's not a whole lot of serious discussions around.

My brain feels neglected sometimes. I will enjoy it while it lasts and I haven't seen many insults.

There are some disagreements but mainly I find myself agreeing with them because it's an assumption or a narrow view.

I'm enjoying lifting people up but I am still getting pms and I don't whether I should officially write on my profile I'm on hiatus because what if UC logs on and sees it?

I'm always mindful of not being free to be myself and make my own decisions.

Enough talking, I have to make brekkie wraps, maybe no fish today, chicken or steak maybe?

The Iceland wholemeal wraps are bland but durable, the other one had a lil more flavour. Meh I still miss rotis.

Oh yea I'm still stumped, my face continues drying out, so as well as the Blink drops, something else is causing it?

Well just spoke to Mama about meeting on Tuesday and she says she's too swamped....

This was her idea to meet ha but I'm relieved. It's already going to be busy with the UC on Monday and then the maintenance on Friday.

Back home from the UC meeting, uneventful, he just said update the rent costs when you can, I don't blame you, you are trying your best.

I don't know why my stomach is churning, I feel sick, I can barely stand.

I bought apple and orange juice, that's not helping. I am listening to binaurals, that's not working.

The food arrived and I don't really have an appetite to face it. I bought pakoras, they are ok..

I still don't understand how they can be called onion bhajis and pakoras.

Two different flavours, with different ingredients ha. Oh well but what will save the day, included in the bag is a mild mint raita, which is tasty.

Plus a mildly spiced ketchupy burger sauce, which is also quite nice.

I know I'm not big on spice but when it's flavoursome, then it appeals to me, but in small doses.

I also bought an egg burger and a chicken doner, why did I buy so much?

I thought I would be hungry, that's why but I'm not. Oh and chicken samosas too.

Plus cashews and those dil crisps and more of those eclair cupcakes.

I would have liked to browse more but it was so difficult standing and trying not to vomit.

Yeesh well at least I have food for 2x days. It will make it easier when I'm upright, especially if I still feel sick tomorrow.

All I want to do is lie down. Oh I was running early but the sun was blinding and I couldn't see the bus number, usually they stop, this one raced by...

But I just made it on time with the second bus. Crazy stuff. No jacket but three layers of clothing, was just right.

It's windy and sunny in the UK at present. I'm still getting used to the sunglasses making everything look black and white.

At least I can see clearly with them on, not the buses but everything else.

Am I going to feel better if I eat properly? Hmm, not convinced! No didn't work, I can't force myself to eat.

Kinda peckish but even though it's 1pmish, my tum is acting as though it's full of food and I haven't eaten a thing.

Well not much, mostly just sipping orange juice. I need to take off my makeup too.

This would be the perfect time for a nap, if I was really tired but it's body tired, not brain tired and it has to be both.

Ugh that jerk (RM). I can't unsee his name now because as well as stalking my friends comments and posts.....

Now he's latched onto mine and I want to tell him to take his abusing, bullying self away but I can't.....

He hasn't been nasty to me and I'm not supposed to know his true nature because it was told in confidence!

I may not be able to call him out, but neither will I engage. Treat people with respect, it's really not difficult!

Maybe in turn, they will want to be around you. Instead of avoiding you.

#BlogLife1050 - There's something fishy about you..

Hmm is the brain inspired today? It's just before 9am and the usual Iceland guy G, came with me shopping.

No substitutions which was nice. I just double checked it was all there and boom it was.

It's soo frustrating to see the prices continually climb, from things that were reasonable to now ridiculous.

But comparing prices was fun because actually I found instead of 4x steaks for a £1 more, I could get 6x and pay less ha.

The wholemeal wraps look huge so that will be interesting to try. If I was sensible I would cut the steak into thin strips to make it presentable...

But I know I won't do that or maybe I'll risk a lil pain... Knives just don't seem to my friends anymore, grip, dexterity is too much.

I was surprised that the Baklava is back in stock, maybe it's proving to be popular, good reviews.

I thought it was because of Easter, a speciality item.. I was hoping the gulab jamun or the carrot halwa was there too, but nope.

I have a feeling they reduced the price too. I'm sure it was higher, now it's £2.50.

Someone mentioned a coffee flavour? I didn't know that. I've not heard it associated with coffee like tiramisu is.

I just made fishy croissants, bit bland, cheese, cod, mayo. I feel like it would have been better with hummus but I'm trying to use out the mayo first before buying something else.

The mint cornetto was the star. I don't remember it having tiny chunks of mint crisp in it before, absolutely delicious.

Needs nuts, well no it doesn't need anything, it just would have been better, I was munching pistachios on the side so a combination of sorts I guess.

Good value, 6x for £1.75. I am stuffed and trying not to think about next week.

3x meetings. I am going to be knackered. I'll pick up snacks to keep me sane, maybe..

#BlogLife1049 - Drawing a blank on talking..

From yesterday all my post drafts were finished and I thought ok, you'll eventually think of something to talk about today but I didn't.

My chatty brain was silent, even today there is nothing at all. I have a few chores to do, hanging out the washing to dry..

Cleaning the sink but aside from that, everything is done, apart from today's UC stuff and today's post.

The last thing was seeing how the monthly budget was going. I expected my balance to be dangerously low, even though I'm only getting the essentials but actually, it's ok.

Luckily there is enough for food and the bills this month at least. In May I will have to recheck it and see.

It's kinda unusual to feel this eerily calm, usually I am overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done. 

I guess when the pain is minimal, I can focus better and do things, lil by lil. It's all manageable :)

It's 1pm but I don't feel hungry. To be honest, there are minimal groceries left.

Sometimes I just get hormonally too hungry and the food doesn't last a week.

There is still stuff there, crackers and chicken and beef, maybe 1 pie but that's basically it.

It's only Wednesday, I guess I could do a shop for tomorrow instead of Friday..

One day early, isn't too bad, is it? Oh something I saw in Iceland are those Laila poppadom crisps which were exceptionally good for 90p.

They only have the mango chutney one. I've never seen that but the mint coriander one was extraordinarily perfect.

I hope they get it in stock. I discovered it in Ocado Zoom. Although I strive to get snacks that will last...

I saw some wholemeal wraps for £1.25. I think I will try those. I don't really fancy toast or rolls.

And those wraps made really good filling meals. It didn't even need cheese.

It's a shame, there is only an 8-10am slot, ouch, which means waking up at 7amish.

But at least it's over and done with and I can have a good first meal when I feel like it later.

At long last I remembered to pluck my brows, oof what a mess they were..

I still need a professional one done. One day when I have the energy..

I even checked the Too Good To Go app and there were no new restaurants or shops nearby offering foodie deals.

#BlogLife1048 - When is a chapati not a chapati?

Yesterday I realised I was out of eye drops, ugh I thought I had a few, my eyes are so dry.

I'm wondering if that is an expense I can leave out? I feel like they are permanently fogged at the moment, not blurry, just not super clear.

I just unpacked the Iceland order and everything but the pies were in stock, I got the Iceland version which is pretty tasty as a backup, I should have bought 2x packs.

I ripped off a bit of the Elephant Atta chapatis to try. Hmm, they are thin like wraps, but wholemeal which is good..

It's 8x for £1.70 I tore a bit to taste, it has got a nice flavour, roti-ish..

Maybe it will be stronger, when they are reheated on the press and I add butter to it. I bought different fillings, cod, to see if I can tolerate it..

Chicken tikka strips, egg, cheese and sausages, so lots of variety as this will be a main meal throughout the week.

Yesterday I had a phone chat with a random. I always forget that 90% of the time, I can't stand their voices.

At least I warned him beforehand, it's a dealbreaker, young sounding or not deep, is not my type.

I prefer masculine but he took it well and I was polite about it and apologetic.

Can't win them all. Well I enjoyed the fish that was good. The chapatis were a let down, nothing like rotis.

But it was something different so it was ok in that respect.

I won't be buying them again. I want authenticity, otherwise it's false advertising.

I just remembered, although there's no Indian restaurants nearby, there is a Caribbean place and they might sell fresh rotis, although it is to find the energy to go.. Hmm..

Also an update on the Avon mud mask, obviously I cannot recommend it because my skin has dried out.

Well it's in a much better state since the Blink eye drops have finished.

Roti's are a flaky soft very flavoursome flatbread. It's got a unique taste so we used to have them a lot at home and when it's freshly made, with oil or butter, it's so delicious with practically anything.

Oh Mama called about the earbuds and she's leaving on her holiday at the end of April.

She said the reason the links weren't working was maybe me being on the USA website, not the UK version, so it's easier if I do it in person, if I stay with her this summer.

I guess it depends, if she treats me like crap again. I feel like I'm demanding respect but feeling bloody guilty about it.

Ridiculous!!

Ugh I am so irritated. It's April so normally the rent increases. Only my landlord has changed it to October.

Every single time I call up, they change the rent amount. Universal credit wants an up to date record of it.

How do I say it's changed but yet they are still charging me more than they are saying it is???

Ugh it's doing my head in. The same thing, every time, a million contradictions. I want my whole rent to be covered.

Let's be clear in my own head. The last time I spoke to the landlord my total rent was £666.81 for the month.

That's including the service charge. Now suddenly they are saying it's £591.80. 

What amount am I supposed to give?? I am already struggling with the expenses.

I suppose I'll give the lesser amount, I mean they confirm with the landlord anyway, they don't take my word for it.

Cripes, why is it so hard to get a straight answer? Well one of the maintenance appointments is booked for next Friday morning.

Ugh busy week, a UC appointment, meeting Mama and then no peace until Saturday.

Hmm ok, according to UC, last time I submitted, the housing costs it was £122.42 for the weekly rent and £31.46 for the service charges.

Now according to the landlord it is £125.73 for the weekly rent and £22.22 for the service charge, so higher rent, lower service charge.

Yet the landlord still insists I pay £666.81 and not £591.80. Why is it so shady???

Ugh whatever it's done and they can sort it out between them. Leave me out of your lies!

I hate that question, when did it change? How do I know?? They change it on a bloody whim!

You know what? At the end of April I will ask them what is the rent amount to pay, and if they say a different answer. 

I will report it to UC because it's on them, not me.

#BlogLife1047 - Eclair cupcake hybrid?

I'm eating small meals and got around to that concoction I bought. I'll look up the name. (Chocolate butterflies).

But it just looked so funky, a cross between an eclair and a cupcake? Never seen that before.

That's exactly what it tasted like, weird, but really good. I'm never sure if I'm supposed to freeze it because it's got cream in it?

And that got solid but although it looked small on Twitter, it's quite substantial.

I don't think I can face further munching, maybe a handful of the sour cream dill crisps later on.

I've taken off my makeup and hung up the clothes and the washing.

Feels really good to lounge on the bed while the cramps come and go and the earbuds act up grr.

I didn't get fizzies, just orange juice, I think it helped because I didn't feel sick anymore just weak and tired.

Just a quick update. Since P didn't say a thing regarding the photo, hours passed and there was just like reaction type thing.

He wasn't relentlessly asking, just a few times, anyway it pisses me off when they don't say anything.

It makes me think they are finding a way to block me or give me the speech.

I'd rather it was mature. You're not my type, no offence. I don't think we should talk..

But usually it's the speech........ Oh heavens. There's been major family drama, I can't be on the internet....

Goodbye forever....... Lol! Dopes!

So I gave him an out, I said I don't mind being rejected, it won't be a big deal.

And his reply to that was.....What are you on about?

Yeesh could I have been any clearer? So as my revenge, because he's still chatting, just with huge gaps..

Was to go and delete my picture. For him too, apparently that's an option... Ha...

I wonder if he'll notice and if he does. I'll just tell the truth, not that he doesn't deserve it but he didn't comment, so it's irrelevant it being there.

Plus I wanna pat myself on the back for being courageous too! I just boom, went ahead and did it.

And to be fair, I did say I didn't want one of him. I'm rarely attracted. Although I think if you have balls, you insist, listen fair is fair, I've seen you, you should see me too..

He could still ghost me tomorrow and you'll find out this week ha.

But at least if he sent one. I'd say he was nice looking but not the right fit for me.

He already said he has facial hair and that's never my type. The next step is to stop staring at my phone and checking for messages..

Come on SS, distract yourself! Well it's a new day and he's still messaging.

Ha I just let them initiate contact. He literally asked if I was up, this morning. He didn't say goodnight yesterday and he usually does.

And I said Yes been up ages. Then he said Why didn't you message me? So funny.

I told him I thought he was still asleep or busy with work. So my inkling is correct..

He's not noticed that my image isn't there anymore. I get the impression he's bored and keeping me around for entertainment until someone viable comes along.

But that's the thing. I'm using him right back. He keeps saying Don't get attached to me, I know you are/will..

With me, it takes such a long time to build trust, to be comfortable, to open up and work out how I'm feeling, that by that time, they have come and gone..

I don't see myself getting hung up on him but he is really funny, down to earth and good company.

But when someone gives the impression, they are not going to invest in you, I back off and shut down the potential.

I'm not getting hurt. I want someone to care. I'm not interested in a one way mingling.

And I feel like although he's too cowardly to say, I'm only in it for a short team meaningless fling, it seems like he's dropping hints, implying it indirectly.

So I've been straightforward and told him, if someone doesn't care about me, I don't care about them.

And I could walk away easily and not care much that it was over.

I dunno if he's used to women getting obsessed but that's pretty arrogant to say......

Liking me is inevitable....I myself try not to be too conceited but my voice always gets complimented.

Ok I snapped today. He's barely talking, long gaps and then 3/4 hours passed and my reply was undelivered.. In the evening..

Suspicious. So I thought f off! Chicken and just blocked him on discord and to be honest downloaded telegram for him said our calls weren't clear, pft.

Blocked his ass on that too and deleted it. Woop. I didn't say, goodbye, because what's the point?

Messages aren't delivering. I bet he blocked me. Although last seen is still there, seen recently yet undelivered, hmm.. Shady.

It basically just felt as though it was a slow ghost, he was waiting for me to block him.

You don't go from chatting a lot, to barely communicating, without something being wrong.

I've already moved on ha. Randoms are easy to replace :)

I'm not in as much pain. No real cramps. I've ordered the shop for tomorrow and am eager to try wholemeal chapatis.

I think they are brown, they look it. Please be a real roti and not a bland wrap.

There is a huge taste between the two.

#BlogLife1046 - Things women wish you knew..

1. Not all of us are desperate to settle down and make a family, we have made other life choices.

2. Not all of us are bitter, sometimes we have gone through unimaginable events which make us extremely cautious and closed off at times.

3. Independence is not a flaw, it doesn't mean I can't mingle, I just prefer my own company and doing my own non taxing things. I'm not sure why people are threatened by that.

4. I choose to be single and support myself, why is that so unfathomable for others? It's my life. There are always personal reasons, don't question it, accept it.

5. Sometimes I like attention, other times I don't but I'm always dressing to please myself so that I feel good and cute. I'm not trying to outshine anyone, be the centre of attention or be noticed.

6. I can be shy, confident, insecure and bubbly. I am not one thing, stop trying to pigeonhole me and figure me out. Women are beautiful and complex and need to be given time to gently reveal themselves naturally after a while.

7. I don't owe anybody anything. I choose to give my time or attention because I have decided that I want too, not because you are demanding it.

8. I'm no longer affectionate or too vulnerable because a lot of the reactions I received were cold and unfeeling and now I associate it with negative connotations but it doesn't make me any less of a woman. It may change over time, it may not.

9. My weight is my own business. What I eat is my concern. I know that I have worked hard to be somewhat healthy and made a lot of changes. My figure fluctuated until I found my formula.

But I am more than my appearance. Why should how I look be everyone's talking point? I am more than that.

10. I have my own mind. I choose how I get affected by how I am spoken too or how I am treated. You don't get to decide for me.... Aka too sensitive, too serious, not an open book, not a big sharer etc.

11. You don't know me better than I know myself. You see parts of me only. Don't make assumptions or judge or feel you can make personal deductions because you don't actually know the full story and it's unlikely I'll feel like divulging it.

12. Don't speak for me or guess what I'm trying to say. Let me communicate in my own way with my own words.

13. I choose to forgive or not too and it's a personal choice that I have thought about carefully. You can't influence my decision or guilt me. Most likely I'm sick of being disrespected and you've blown it. Be kinder next time.

14. I despise being called feisty or exotic!! I have opinions and a strong will, it's got nothing to do with my gender or appearance!

The exotic thing? Ickkk like being caramel skinned is rare, to be pointed out, as though we are not the same as everyone else.

15. If I act like I hate you during my period.... I do and I should be able to talk about how uncomfortable and yucky I feel, without embarrassing you or hearing, take drugs and the pain will go bye bye.

Why don't you go bye bye instead! Problem solved!

#BlogLife1045 - Rice on the face?

I have just used up the last of the L'Oreal face wash and now I am onto the Bioaqua rice raw pulp cleanser.

It doesn't seem scented which is a minus point for me, it's thick but not heavy, my face felt super soft afterwards.

It's not suiting direct application on the face brush, it comes out too thickly and went all over my clothes instead of the brush, not a great first impression.

The second time was better but next time will apply it to my hands first and then my face.

I'll let you know how long it lasts and if I notice any side effects or positives during April.

I'm ticked off! My double period has finished and yet my tum is just cramping and bloated which worries me.

Is there going to be a third? Ugh give me a break from the pain ffs.

I still feel really off, if it's not tummy pain, my back is hurting so I haven't felt like doing much this Easter weekend.

I have the UC meeting on Wednesday and decided I will treat myself to pakoras and a wrap.

Possibly some fresh orange juice and snacks too but I can barely walk and function so it all depends on the pain intensity and energy levels plus if I feel nauseated.

I'm just going to order food instead. I'm also craving rotis but I'm not sure where to get that from.

Ugh Mama told me to use the Cex site voucher, what a horrible page it is.

It doesn't recognise low to high. I don't think the products are new and I chose a few items and when she clicked, they didn't come up.

So I had to search again, 20 pages on the phone because it won't load on the laptop grr.

But I found 4x earbuds, she just said, use it all up, so I sent her the brand names and descriptions and hopefully it will come up on the first page.

So that's my Christmas/Birthday present sorted. If they work I can chuck away an old headphone set that isn't lasting long.

I'm going to wipe them or use the alcohol sanitiser before I wear them.

I'm not in a hurry so will probably get them in summer. I bought me and Mama some protein tablets, I think we are both running out, only 3x month supply left and they are super expensive but useful.

I've written some drafts but I'm not posting this weekend. Tuesday it will be normal but the pain is crushing me and I don't want to do any editing or add anything.

I'm really not in the mood. At least I'm getting chunks of sleep, but all day cramps is ridiculous.

So I got back not long ago and this 3rd period, has stopped I think but the cramps and nausea are too much.

I was late for the UC appointment, of course the buses were delayed and it was so hard to stand.

Was I insane? Did I really think I could go to multiple places feeling this wrecked?

I just quickly browsed my international store for orange juice, cashew nuts and these cake or biscuit things, that were new. I put a picture on Twitter, foodie reviews when I can stomach eating again..

Ugh my tummmmm. I had some KFC and then the rest is for later or tomorrow.

It's the first time I had to put my sunnies on. It wasn't that cold really, I probably didn't need a jacket, just layers.

A weird thing happened at the bus stop. Oh before that the UC was uneventful, didn't wait too long and no condescension today.

Yea so I was sitting down waiting, and this young teen female I would say was just listening to music and dancing.

I didn't think anything of it, to each their own but this mature man, in his 40s/50s...

Felt he had to comment and I felt really icky about it. I don't know if he was filming or took a picture but it made my skin crawl.

He wasn't creepy, he just said It's nice that you're being carefree and dancing and spreading joy.

Now I was glued to my phone but kinda aware and I just kept thinking, Leave the girl alone because you should know better.

And as soon as he made that comment she stopped and probably felt self conscious.

But when he left, she resumed. Maybe I'm overreacting. There was just a lot of interest from very old men when I was lil and it just seems highly inappropriate!!

If you see someone young doing their own thing, Why do you feel the need to bother them?

Yuckkkkkk! She did take it as a compliment but I think if he crossed the line. I would have been livid and shouted at him, to leave her be.

I felt protective. Maybe I'm overthinking it, maybe it is innocent..?

But it feels so wrong and that's how it starts, something that can be taken either way and why was he even at the bus stop, when it wasn't his stop?

That means he followed her there, but people were around. Hell I'm sure there are cameras recording also.

Ick!

Oh there's a new random but as I just sent a picture this morning and there's been zero response, I think new P has lost interest, of course, could be busy with work too.

I just wanted to get it over and done with. He's really funny, not as tall as I'd like but very well mannered and approachable.

I asked him a technical question about one of my stories..... Wow I got it soo soo wrong.

I didn't confess it was about his professional aspect. It's too embarrassing.

I thought I would have the energy to take out the bins but nope, can barely stand without pain so that can wait too.

#BlogLife1044 - Don't blame others for your thoughtlessness

Something has been on my mind since it was confided and I have to find a way to talk about it, without sharing too much or any of it.

So the randoms think because they are online, they can say anything and there won't be consequences...

Big mistake. JB is still pmming me and I'm still ignoring him because frankly there won't be an apology, he won't take the blame for being a boob, he will accuse me of wrongdoing.

So my point is, why don't some people search inside and take accountability?

Do they not want to see themselves as imperfect and flawed? They can't possibly assume they are always right... 

Or can they?? Or do they not want to deal with the repercussions.. Ooh I'm in twouble!

I think that's pretty sad to be that immature, you can't hold your hand up and say Oops. I messed up. Can you forgive me?

Let's just say someone is not who he appears and when confronted, instead of saying Guilty...

He escalated and turned on the people who made time for him. Insults, lies, gossiping.

Plus playing the victim card. Oh I let my guard down and now I'm being targeted.

Ugh it makes me so angry and now I've realised just like the guy on discord, some of them get away with besmirching reputations...

And the reason why I can't stop thinking about it, even though it's kinda dealt with...

It reminds me of my family. They show one face to others... Pretending to be decent, respectful and polite.....

But within family, it's aggression, intimidation, threats, insults, danger.

And they spout bs, saying Oh I've changed from wence I was... I'm different. I'm mature. I'm wholesome...

No you're bloody not. You are the exact same evil person you always were and will continue to be.

Oh I trimmed my hair and now I don't feel so messy.

I guess what I'm saying is, Why don't you put in some real work and improve yourself?

There is an underlying total disrespect for women beneath the facade of yours.

I don't want to have anything to do with it because that is how I grew up, trying to survive, trying to find my way, realise who I wanted to be.

I try to be better. I try to help people. I just don't get certain people.

Don't you ever want to be able to look in the mirror and face yourself?

Develop a conscience? Respect someone that says No or has a different opinion?

Or for the rest of your life will you continue intimidating and bullying women to gain some sort of what......

It's not going to be affection? Tolerance?

Meh! It's your life! Waste it if you want!

Oh ffs, the pain has been so bad, ongoing and all day. I googlied whether I had appendicitis.

Nope that starts in the belly button and goes to the right side. Mine seems to be under my chest.

My 3rd period just started today. The third one in.. 3 weeks? Why won't you leave me alone??

#BlogLife1043 - Things undiagnosed people wish you knew..

1. I'm not faking.

2. Just because I don't fit into your neat lil diagnostic bubble, it doesn't mean I don't have it. Not all conditions have the exact same symptoms.

3. I'm not wasting a multitude of Doctor's time, trying desperately to be taken seriously.

4. I'm not crazy. The way I was belittled, talked down too and dismissed by GP's, consultants and specialists, left me a wreck. I questioned my sanity, was I making it up?

4. I'm not exaggerating, if anything I'm not telling you every lil aspect of my symptoms and how it affects me on a daily basis, physically and emotionally.

5. Just because I can do things, it doesn't mean I should.

Certain things cause pain in such a destructive manner that later on or the next day, I can barely do the basics, like moving.

6. Don't tell me or force your opinions on what I should to treat myself. I know what I'm capable of doing. I know what works and what doesn't.

7. Don't act like I have a temporary ailment like the flu. My health issues are aggressive and permanent, there is no cure and it will get worse.

8. Don't try to cheer me up or say Look on the bright side. Being sick is hard. It takes a toll. 

Sometimes I want to fall apart and mourn for my future. Let me be, however you want to cope, works for you. Mine is up and down.

9. Don't call me lazy for wanting to rest and take it easy. My whole body feels like it is permanently straining itself just doing the basics. 

10. Stress makes my pain and symptoms worse, so stop mistreating me and causing me grief! I can do without your power trips!!

If I don't want to do anything or sleep late or just be self indulgent, leave me to it. My body needs it.

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I guess the thing about being ill, you get around to the things you've put off doing.

I found out how to cancel the club membership for Fantastic Services, the pathetic scam artists that billed me and never cleaned my place.

I sent them a scathing email and cancellation request. Hopefully no more stalling and they will terminate it.

I would have liked a refund but it's unlikely. That is done at least. Although I haven't heard back from the nitwits.

Ugh why won't the crampages stop!! I have to do an Iceland order for tomorrow or Saturday but I just want to rest.

At 6pm the pain has stopped for now. I've been playing binaurals all day and have been so uncomfortable and tender.

I didn't know if I was going to write or not. I've finished the Iceland order for tomorrow because there's nothing really indoors and before I would have got a takeaway but now I feel like the money is nearly gone so I'm trying to stick to the essentials.

Having pmt, my appetite is just huge but I had the last of the bland wings and I'm sipping ice water.

I don't really need anything else.

#BlogLife1042 - Leave a message after the beeep..

 I'm not really here. The cramps are atrocious. I can barely stand. I don't feel like doing anything so I've done the UC stuff and had to do a mini top up shop.

Why do I only realise I need stuff when the voucher's expired? And why do I miss out on a crucial item? Ugh.

Anyway jotting down some notes before I forget but I'm not pressurising myself to publish because frankly I don't feel like it!

I'm hoping the fresh orange juice with bits help my tum, it's pretty nice, kinda pricey £2.46 for 1 litre but I need something to work, the pain is nonstop.

Damnit, I could have looked for soup, grr, I'm craving that and I didn't get the baby wipes.

The page was so laggy and buggy though I think it took an hour to place the Asda order and just under 1hr30minutes to arrive.

I just got some shortbread for the sugary cravings and crisps. Actually I've just noticed something, usually I'm breaking out but not this time.

My skin is just dry and I suspect the Blink eyedrops are part of the reason my face is drying out, yeesh, such toxic chemicals they must use.

I got into it with one of the randoms JB lol, I know I know, he's a J, but they seem to be drawn to me, what can I do??

He seemed fine at first and I assumed most of what he said was him joking but yesterday he just pushed me to the limit and I snapped.

Because of pmt and hormones, I don't always want a cutesy flirty chat and I guess that's the real test, if they can have a normal chitchat about life....

Most cannot, you say something innocent and it's twisted around ugh...

Anyway so I said to him, Can we just have a normal chat and I already mentioned from the last time, I was not feeling well..

So you'd think he'd be understanding and compassionate because when he said he was stressed, I said Do you want to talk about it?

But as soon as I said, Can it just be routine, he went nuts ha!!

Oh you're no angel, you chat to other guys.... So I said And? I'm single, I'm free. I can do or say whatever I want, there is no ring on my finger.....

But he just went on and on. Finally I just said, You could have spent this time getting to know me but you're just a bad listener who hears what he wants too.

Why can't the randoms have some substance to them? So time to find a temporary new random to chitchat with....

Ohh and the thing that weirded me out the most..... It was like he implied he logged on with different names, just to see my reaction....

Ick because before that, he was like Yea I don't care you chat to others. Weirdness overload!

Anyway that's randoms for you, they can never just relax, it's like you are their instant property.

I Caveman, You my woman. You not talky, looky, grunty at other cavemen.... lol.