If I'm not me, who am I? (fiction)

I let out a long sigh looked deep into the mirror and just felt like a failure. My cute slim face had been replaced with a rounder version. 

My once thick free flowing hair had become thin and lifeless. My eyes looked bleakly at me as if to say....What happened to you? 

Where has your smile gone? the laughter? The effortless ability to make others forget their troubles and just engage in the merriment of carefree teasing?

I had no answers. I turned away as if to hide from the larger than life image staring back at me. My thighs although never really slim had become thicker. 

My stomach was the thing that bothered me the most. It stuck out so much that every item of clothing looked unflattering. My bum never bothered me, narrow or wider it just gave me shape. 

My wobbly arms I just always covered up in long sleeves even on the warmest of days.

I needed to get out of here to feel the sharp winter breezes wake me up so I could appreciate all the good things in my life. 

I wanted to have my freshly washed hair loose so I quickly tied a white bandana to push the stragglers out of my face. 

Then I changed into a long colourful sunset dress with wide splashes of colour spread loftily all around it, deep reds, oranges, yellows and the faintest black outline. 

Lastly I put my fully fleeced feet into my boots and grabbed my bag. It had just turned 9pm and although late it was still bright enough to see where I was going. 

I locked up and then walked the 10 minutes needed to get on the private beach I owned. It was so quiet with noone around but instead of being afraid I felt liberated and almost giddey. 

I loved going for long leisurely walks at my own contented slow pace. No racing off to do something or help someone.

Suddenly this sense of recklessness spread over me and I kicked off the boots, tore off my socks, dropped my bag and tore off running as fast as I could. 

The direction didn't matter to me I just need to clear my head of all the cluttered thoughts. 

Why did I have to cope with chronic pain when I could see people around me without any morals doing careless acts and not being punished for it?

I'm not perfect but I do have a conscience. I try to be a good person and make the tough but right decisions but there are others that don't think about how they act and yet it all turns out swimmingly for them. 

I could easily medicate with drugs or alcohol but once again I would just be punishing myself.

I felt the wind blowing through me and caressing my hair, the strands kissed my shoulders and then danced away. My breathing became ragged but I just could not stop running. 

The sand on my feet felt soft enveloping me deeper as I ran even faster hoping to escape all the nagging thoughts lingering behind.

Finally breathless my legs buckled and I fell on my knees exhausted. What would it feel like to be normal? To go through an entire day without any pain or soreness? 

To be able to sit, lay, walk or stand without wanting to cry because it hurts so much? My hands begin clutching the sand and letting it trickle out. Strands of time so fleeting.

I don't know how much time had passed until my breathing returned to normal. I looked around as the darkness was closing in all around me. 

I wrapped my arms around myself seeking comfort but not wanting to ask for it. I pushed myself up hearing the familiar crack of bones straining. 

I walked towards the clear blue/green water teasing me with its close proximity. I stood at the edge letting the water wet the hem of my dress. 

Sound erupted from my lips before I knew what it was. Bitter laughter escaped dragging my tears that spilled out over my cheeks.

I can't have the peace I crave. I can't have a single day without experiencing unhappiness. I flicked my foot into a wave and splashed and then did the same with the other. 

This time the sea got aggressive and returned rising above my ankles. I looked up as raindrops fell from the sky in clumps. Pushing the hair off my face. 

I pulled off my bandana and let the puddles claim it. Stretching my arms out, I twirled around and around. I didn't even feel the cold seeping into my pores. I was too far gone.

I realised that the last of my sanity and strength had just ebbed away. I had reached my final breaking point. I stopped twirling and looked back at my house and my life. 

All the pain, sorrow and wounds inflicted on me were back there. Whipping around back to the sea I heard it beckoning me. 

Slowly I walked forward as each step made it difficult to navigate. My dress clung to me, moulding itself to my curves. I paused barely long enough to look up at the sky. My last thoughts were never uttered.

Knocks pain out of my mind temporarily

Today I set out in good spirits wondering if I could achieve a few of the things on my ancient task list but as the bus neared to my destination, at the shopping centre I felt the familiar pangs of foreboding.

I dread the walking around, the build up of excruciating pain and knowing that once again I will not be able to be the girl I once was. Energetic and carefree.

This time however being fed up of letting my body dictate what I could and could not achieve, I decided to once again think positively and give myself an inner pep talk. 

Pretend I had boundless energy and that the pain would somehow not be present until after I had concluded my business. 

It worked. I just cranked up the happy tunes and just thought I can do this.

I realised I had forgotten to bring in a form to hand in but no matter. I headed in the direction of the pound shop to pick up some beauty supplies. 

I remember ages ago I used to spend £6 on a single bottle of Rimmel foundation and struggled to find my shade elsewhere but by chance I tried out Poundland's version and found my exact style. 

It's a smaller tube but it lasts me a good while and I just stocked up on it.

Next I hoped to pick up some cooling mist, such a great buy but unfortunately they were sold out and unsure if they would restock them as summer is almost over sadly. 

I saw some nail buffer blocks which I have been dying to try out and they are much less abrasive than what I'm used to but I think they will also last longer. 

I did try to pick up some eyebrow pencils but unfortunately they fell out of the basket and my back would not permit me to bend so had to leave them be. 

Lastly I just wanted another notebook and some pens and then I checked out horrified that it was self service, so I ended up bending anyway to put the items in the bag and that's when the pain started to hit me.

Instead of walking fast with long strides. I made another smart choice and took smaller steps and that really helped maintain the pain. 

It didn't really increase until I got home and then it was quite bad but it was worth it. 

I had an unfortunate panic attack trigger but with my new found strength I just blocked it out and kept taking deep breaths and telling myself that I would be alright.

I stayed still, had my music playing and waited for it to pass. I don't know what the right or wrong thing to do is in these situations but I do what feels right for me.

A few minutes later the trigger disappeared and I put my hand back down, composed myself and blocked out images that threatened to send me over the edge. 

I just carried on walking until I got to the bus stop and sat down feeling quite proud of myself. 

I know that it won't always be that easy. I have had triggers where it affects me so badly I can't stop shaking or crying but I am trying to cope better and with each new post, I find that I can be that much more open.

Woo nots

There seems to be a recurring theme about the words used by men when they are trying to pick me up. 

 

This post is inspired by the events of last night. A little heads up if you will into the sort that I attract.

He seemed pleasant enough a little too serious for my liking and not that jovial but at least he was communicative. 

 

He asked me questions and I did the same but in the back of my mind reservations were forming about his personality and certain things he said.

"Trust me, I will never hurt you." 

 

Which I took to mean, maybe his intentions are honourable but if he was a real gentleman he would let time unfold and his character shine through by itself without any grand promises. 

 

Trust needs to be earned not automatically given, for me anyway.

"You need to let me read your blog to better know you."

 

This again is pressurising me which I do not respond well to. It felt like he wanted to forgo the dating ritual and move on to the soulmate portion. 

 

I actually did let him read it because I knew that he would hate it and I am trying to give a little more of myself to the world.

I suspect he picked out a random post/s did some skim reading and made a snap judgement because his next words were  

 

"Why are you so angry?"

 

"The past is gone, get over it." 

 

Which did disturb me but it was another interesting glimpse into his brainwaves. 

 

There is a lot that has happened to me that I will never get over because I was so vulnerable, young and needed protecting not destroying.

"Give me your phone number and address." 

 

Which really set the alarm bells ringing. Dangerous or desperately lonely neither was acceptable. 

 

He could have offered his number/email and said if I was uncomfortable this would be an alternative route. 

 

Instead he accuses me of having something to hide when I am being a responsible woman and looking after myself and not heading into what could be a creepy or volatile position.

Fast tracking an introduction and a potential friendship is not the way to go with me. When I say I am wary, that you should take as a definite understatement. 

 

He really did not see what was wrong in going to his place in the early hours of the morning.

The bottom line is, you and I are strangers. I look for patience, someone that pays attention when I am not in my comfort zone and somebody that listens to the important things that I say.

 

You can make any claims that you want but the real test is through time to see if you are consistent. If you won't give me that, you are not somebody that should be approaching me.

Pain 1 Me 1

It's not been my best day today. I was in bed for most of it trying not to move around too much as the pain was particularly brutal. 

I did try to get up and ignore it by getting on with my day but soon after I ate I had to get back in bed. It was not a day to be walking around.

I did have some good news though. I won some cash on a competition, a small amount but sweet all the same. 

Last month was the only time I didn't have a win this year which is unusual. I don't normally have this much of a lucky streak but it perks me up when it does happen.

I did manage to get away last month and it was only when I set my bags down did I realise how much I needed the time away. 

I had been so uptight and moody I hadn't realised how much the stress was mounting up until I looked around at my new temporary surroundings and had a couple of breaths of tranquility. 

That night I felt so carefree I was replying to old and newish penpals and even adding more to my book. I do honestly try to be strong and take it in my stride but I am only human and not every day will be productive. 

At least now I have sent off a few short replies and made this post. It is not much but I have accomplished more than I thought I would when I was stuck resting. 

Somebody remarked tonight that midnight was a strange time to be working but there is something magical about writing at night. 

As though time stands still and I have the ability to hear my own thoughts. It's so peaceful with no obligations left to conquer. I can just make notes, edit or continue working on my current chapter.

My current tests are a hair minimising oil which is working exceptionally well on my face, although it does cause breakouts if not washed off soon after application. 

A mini fan which is quite strong but the battery life doesn't last long at all even on the lowest setting and I left my two month evaluation for the biotin supplement which was not positive.

I have found no benefits for the 10k dosage as of yet but maybe it will take longer to feel the benefits.