#BlogLife41 - What do you want from me?

I got a few hours sleep as per usual but arose early again. I hadn't put on my lenses yet or had breakfast and the phone rang.

I hadn't switched on the ringer yet so I missed the call and the person redialled and this time I answered with a sigh. I feel like the day was just about to start smoothly and then I hear from him.

I sense this irritation directed at me. I have a valid justification for it but it doesn't matter to him. He has an opinion and it is the only important one as far as he is concerned.

I disagree but only in my mind as there doesn't seem to be any point. I am pulled in different directions again and it is piling on the stress.

He changes tactics and asks about my wellbeing in a fake reassuring manner. I would love to tell the truth and I manage a partial confession.

Going outside is difficult. The lightheadedness remains the same. The soreness increases. Plus there was a trigger which I didn't even want to mention.

My go to solution is to turn away from it but I couldn't because I needed to head in that direction and there was no deviation. I just kept telling myself to breathe.

I turned up the volume on my music and pressed on in a hurry, although part of me just wanted to stop and sink. I can't stop replaying the image in my head.

I didn't have a full blown panic attack but I did/do feel uneasy. My back is hurting a lot and I don't even know why.

Then he asked me the question I have been dreading. My mama keeps asking me also. Have I had the vaccine yet? I gave him the condensed version. 

My Doctor's practice closed down and I have a new one so haven't been notified yet. The truth that I haven't told anyone is this....

When the surgery closed down years ago I received a letter stating that I should pick a new place to register with. I binned the letter and didn't take the advice.

I have not bothered seeing a Doctor in years. I have so much anger and despondency. I can't have hope anymore that I'll get the treatment I deserve.

I can't hear these words any longer.

You are exaggerating your symptoms

You are lying

There is nothing wrong with you

You are healthy

You are wasting my time

I can't assist you

You need to retake painkillers and antidepressants

I think a part of me just dies inside. I am already struggling with opening bottles and unscrewing the caps on my cases for my lenses.

Do you have any idea how it feels to be told you aren't sick when you are? How that damages a person? How they ask themselves burning questions.

Maybe, the Doctor is right. I could be okay if I..... NO! The Doctor isn't correct. I am tired of battling the indifference. I don't have any strength left.

I really was fine but now I'm not. I have had years of going back and forth and now just as Doctors have written me off, I have done the same.

I no longer feel the need to make you believe me. I know I have multiple health conditions. I don't care whoever remains cynical can scoff away.

I HAVE PERMANENT MOBILITY ISSUES, PTSD AND CHRONIC PAIN!

The reason I just shouted that is because the truth felt so good to disclose.

#BlogLife40 - Walking on broken glass

Remember that Annie Lennox song about heartbreak? It's really catchy. I was trying to find a suitable title and that was only one that fit anywhere close.

I'm not going to be talking about heartbreak. Today it is about obsessive workouts. 

The reason I am not a feet/shoes person is because at my most compulsive phase I did a lot of walking and for some reason, my feet bruise really easily.

I used to go for hourly walks at night. I would walk, back and forth to College which was about 45mins-ish. My feet were cut up and bleeding, a large majority of the time.

I still have scarring and bruises from that era and that was so long ago. I never wore stilettos because I couldn't walk in them but I did wear block heels.

Nothing was comfortable. I tried trainers for a while but I felt so unclassy. I just remember limping a lot of the time and yet I still carried on walking everywhere.

The reason being that at that point in my life. I didn't want any body fat at all, such was my preoccupation with weight. I did actually achieve that on my tummy area but not in a healthy sustainable way.

I just couldn't halt from comparing myself to women around me. They were all effortlessly skinny and I looked at food and just piled on the pounds.

Now I just wear loose fitting ankle boots and they are sooo cosy but I still used to panic about what on earth I would couple with a dress or a skirt?

My boots were casual out the outfits were smart. They just didn't go together. I recall buying these luxurious black velvet thin mini chunky heeled shoes..

And wearing them to a club with friends. I honestly thought I had broken them in prior and I did wear a mini foot slip to go with them..

But within possibly fifteen minutes my feet were in agony. I couldn't dance, there was no place to sit. I was miserable and the sweetest guy, not in a romantic sense,

But in a caring way, was trying to cheer me up. He kept me from losing my mind as we walked to the car and he let me sprawl out on the backseat with my feet up and my shoes off.

Everybody was laughing as I walked to my door with my shoes removed and promptly threw them in the bin. They didn't cost an obscene amount.

I think they were on sale £20? I reckon. I just wanted that to be the last time I suffered to look good. It wasn't but that was my hope.

#BlogLife39 - Can a foodie hate food?

Afternoony sweetpeas,

I've been unable to think straight because I am so exhausted. My aim today was to write BlogLife and compose Chapter 9 of Lethal Curves Ahead.

I've only been getting a few hours sleep which for a regular person isn't enough so for me it's ten times worse. Luckily at least my body feels rested.

No more stiffness. I feel more looser and less strained so that is something because yesterday I was a bit of a mess but I didn't want it to get me down and spoil my mood.

I was going to call this post, Are you a chocolate lover? However it sounded a bit sleazy so I thought, maybe not.. I was watching one of my favourite asmr artists and he was apologising for mentioning food so much.

I thought I do that. I think and talk about food and I do consider myself a foodie, although there are times when I hate it and wish I didn't need to consume it.

I only recall one or two people pointing out that, I mostly focus on meal times or snacking subjects and they saw that negatively.

At first I felt super self conscious and then I shrugged and figured. You know what, it's a big part of who I am. I never considered it was a serious problem because to me it would have been uncontrollable.

I could always go back to eating after I stopped. However I did a bunch of messed up things like obsessively exercising, calorie counting, skipping meals and just weighing myself nonstop.

Now I have a love/hate/love relationship with food. Today I've been munching on some chocolate pretzels, they are so moreish.

Mama got me these cream and onion soy chips. They remind me of Skips crisps without the prawn cocktail flavour. When I had the first bite, I wasn't quite sure I enjoyed it.

Upon further taste. It's really good. I just don't know if that is right the flavour or if it needs some sort of dip to go with it. It's crunchy and would make a filling snack though.

Something I thought I would address is why I stopped asking questions and broadened out BlogLife to include more general subjects.

I felt like I was talking to myself and the questions and answers seemed almost too goofy even for me. As no-one felt the need to answer them, which is your right :)

I no longer feel compelled to come up with them. I thought it would have been a quirky way to get a conversation started but it didn't happen but I'm glad I tried it.

I will periodically still touch on writing and blogging but essentially I am BlogLife. This is my experience so I should be able to discuss anything.

#BlogLife38 - Mama/daughter pizzazz

Tomorrow I'm getting up super early because me and mama are getting together for pedicures, massages and an eyebrow shape for me.

I don't know know how many years we've been doing it. Seems like forever. She shops, I get my brows gleaming and we sit side by side in the massage chairs and get our tootsies seen too.

Then afterwards we grab lunch. Swap lil, not gifts but things we've picked up for each other and catch up. 

I've tried to do the prep work so very lil is needed for tomorrow because time races forward too quickly. 

I've finally epilated my legs. It mainly felt like one sided required it and the rest was practically smooth. 

I've been using a hair removal epilator for years. If not in my teens, then definitely in my twenties. It seemed so expensive and shaving was cutting my legs and having insanely quick regrowth. 

I thought about laser but that seemed unaffordable. Electrolysis was another option but I hate needles. Epilators were just a big one off payment. 

£80 I think for the first one and £60 for the second which I still going strong after a long time. I just researched well and invested in brand names.

The more tweezers, the more competent it performs. It's essential that you clean it straight after you use it, other it clogs the motor. 

I used to get my nails done. I didn't always go for the fake nails as mine grew naturally long. At times I just wanted a cute pattern for an event. 

The facials were a true favourite. Afterwards my face was impeccable. Cover girl ready :D I always felt self conscious baring my shoulders/arms for the massage but the room or cubicle was private.

I'm going to be so sleepy tomorrow but at least most of this will be created and I can add on the rest. Ooh we aren't even sure if restaurants are hosting people.

I'm going to check if Pizza Express has any details. It's been forever since we fined there and there is usually a deal going on the website.

Aww how tragic. They are bankrupt. Our local store had been closed down. I'm sad about that. I have fond memories of finally locating a decent italian place.

Pasta is my all time favourite food. Hopefully the cafe is at least thriving.. I got back about 2pmish. I don't know how I did it but I slept through two alarms and was running late. 

Grr. I really was trying to be early but the buses were severely delayed and traffic was terrible. I did not have a second to spare to do my makeup or style my hair.

I just barely had enough time to dry it so I just reversed the hairband and flashed the pinky/purply side. My hair was loose. It looked decent enough.

My brows look better but I would have preferred them thinner. I hate when they salon, you can't have them thinner, it doesn't suit you.

Purleaseeee I can pull off a lot of things that not typical for bountiful femme fatales. I was even doing my sexy walk. I felt so happy and carefree.

The pain had already set in, my hands and legs were seizing up a bit but I just carried on strutting my stuff and it was manageable.

I picked up a Garnier face wash as my Fine Flowers is almost empty. The pedicure was sublime. £28 for half an hour maybe. She was so thorough.

I know she was making fun of me because my body is extremely delicate and they have a tendency to be heavy handed.

She was mocking me in her native language, actually her colleague was but again I was just in such high spirits. It did not bother me at all.

I'm not even into feet and shoes but pedicures are a luxury pampering experience. It's just time that I can spend with my mama and we can have a laugh and we're both relaxed.

The beautician gave me a foot and leg massage, that is amazing. These days I am lucky to get one but she took her time and even though certain bits hurt, the pleasure of it outweighed the discomfort.

Sadly the cafe is not allowing diners to eat in so we had to order takeout but we swapped bags. I got her some leave in conditioner and a bottle of water.

She gave me a packed bag of those yummy chocolate pretzels. I adore them, some body butter. Contact lens supplies. Slippers and some other treats I wasn't expecting.

Her hair looked stunning, she always experiments with hair dyes and the latest one makes her look sorta blondish/light brown. It looks so cute!

#BlogLife37 - Can I ask you something?

Good morning :)

I really didn't get much sleep last night. I kept waking up thinking it was morning but it was very early am. I got back to sleep but woke up again and just decided to get up.

I'm sorry there was no BlogLife yesterday but I decided to switch off and enjoy doing hardly anything. I caught up with a friend, I finalised plans for tomorrow.

I gamed and watched some movies. That was it. My brain was trying to come up with something to write but unlike today it was broken pieces.

As I was getting changed today, my brain was just relaying ideas back to me.

Why do you like reading personal blogs?

I realised that I am looking for someone I can relate to. There are clinical blogs that have all the answers and just lay it out for you.

It can be helpful and informative but it's not what I'm looking for. I want a person that is struggling, just like I am. Obviously I don't wish them to be lost.

However it is helpful if they are unsure of themselves because that I can understand. It makes me feel connected and less isolated.

It is extremely intimidating to seek out knowledge and finally locate it, just to figure out, you still don't comprehend it. The author makes it seem easy but I shrug and think. 

Nope. I still don't get it. At least if someone else is questioning it. I feel a bit better.

Why do you write fiction posts? Why not just keep it to regular?

Thinking back when I first got started into blogging, I still wasn't thinking about writing a book. I was solely focused on trying to find a way to open up and still feel safe.

The more I wrote, the easier it became. At first I composed fiction to express myself without actually going into details. I had a lot of pain buried.

Things happened that I didn't want to recall but I desperately needed to release the emotions that went with it. I was quite astounded when it worked.

I had found a loophole. I take private steps to deal with certain issues but publically I needed an outlet. That is where fiction came into play.

Anger. Depression. Sadness. Happiness and hopelessness. I just needed to let it out.

As time wore on and the fictional pieces got more detailed. That is when I thought. I need to try again and write a book.

How is it you switch between being confident/happy to being insecure/sad?

I knew there was going to be a difficult one to close. There are a lot of factors that are the cause. I could be pleased, looking forward to an event but then the reality sets in.

How long will it take? 

How much walking is involved? 

Can I find an outfit I'll feel good wearing? 

What if I start to feel poorly or the pain intensifies?

I start to feel a lil less self-assured and more panicky. This exciting outing now has me feeling unsure.

The problem is that these are valid concerns. My only course of action is make sure my headphones are charged so that if I am unwell, at least music will soothe me.

I don't take medication and it isn't always possible to stop and rest. Especially if I am not alone. Whoever I am accompanying rushes for the bus and urges me to do the same. 

I prefer to take my time and walk. They don't take that into consideration and I feel bad saying. 

"Hey um, if you cause me to rush and walk fast.

You are increasing my pain. My body is somewhat fine when I leisurely walk but when you ask me to speed, it does not end well."

It isn't a big deal if I miss a bus. I also opt for half empty or transport where I am guaranteed a seat. I know it's not always feasible.

But short journeys are thoroughly exhausting. My body is crying out for a rest and the buses are so jerky that the grip on the handle is so tight, my hands suffer badly.

Now add a face mask to this and everything is worse. It's hard to breathe. I feel as though my lenses are fogging up. I feel light-headed. 

I'm extra tired and overall I feel poorly. I have to contend with that, every time I leave my home.

#BlogLife36 - Am I a bimbo?

Morning all,

That is a bit of a strange title I picked. I agree. I'm still thinking about the last post I wrote so this might be a variation on that one.

Oops I should start with answering my own question. No I am not a bimbo. I just get treated as though I am. Do men narrow their eyes at the size of a woman's cleavage and think...

"Oh yea. That female right there, she is busty, therefore she is loose."

I'm just trying to find the rationale behind being dressed conservatively. Walking normally. Avoiding eye contact and still being approached for sex.

I was walking down the street, in a carefree mood and the guy behind me, touched my rear. I turned around and he apologised and I thought..

Harmless mistake, unpleasant but it's just one of those things and then he did it, once or twice more and I started screaming and crying and just felt violated.

He kept saying sorry as though, he had a right to harass me and showing repentance, made it all acceptable. I was just a teenager with a right to feel safe.

I was in a bad place and someone I thought was turning into a mentor said, let's meet and talk and you can just vent away and I'll be there.

We met in a park and I sat on a bench and I was talking but there was something in the air. He seemed bored or disappointed..

He indicated that he thought it was more of a hookup. I just rolled my eyes. On what universe, had he mentioned dating? I got up and left and just felt so alone.

I think one of the worst ones was when I was grieving and on a walk, I bumped into an on/off ex boyfriend and I was trying to explain that I was dealing with mixed emotions.

The only thing that he was interested in was getting me naked. Instead of giving a hug or some words of comfort. He was kissing my neck and his hands were everywhere.

What about me, screams easy????

My adorable friends, who are flat chested, never had these issues.

#BlogLife35 - Dear Bully 3

"You held my self-esteem in your hands and you crushed it." 

I love this quote from This Is Us, the television show. There are so many pieces from sitcoms that speak to me. I know it's just fiction but I feel like some issues I just hide, even from myself.

The character Kate was in an emotionally abusive relationship and as an older woman, she tracks him down and says things she never did before. 

She confronted her bully and I never will. She had one person that destroyed her confidence. I had everyone and everything that did it for me.

Why?

I'll never know why I was the brunt of these attacks. All I do know is that I was quiet and for that reason, onlookers perceived me as being harmless and ignorant.

They didn't realise I was observing and taking it all in and processing it, in my own way. I never wasted my time, correcting them.

I just rode out the assumption. I opted to hide the power they had over me and not let them see the effects. I may have taken the abuse..

But I refused to let them see how far the destruction was unfolding. It started with my immediate family. They took joy from highlighting my mistakes.

Then it was my aunts and cousins. They just had an opinion on everything, my love life, my appearance..

I love how people close to you, try to mask cruel words with "helpful advice."

"I'm not saying this to hurt you but......."

"You really need to........."

"I don't think this but other people.........."

"Look, it's none of my business but........"

Here is my opinion. Hold your tongue, unless you are genuinely, with a heart full of love, trying to help. Most of the time..

I don't even think information is needed. People just need time to process the events and come to terms with a course of action.

When I think back over my dating history. I kept it all internal. There are only a few accounts where I remember boiling over and screaming.

I know on those occasions I didn't have deep feelings. Those guys were distractions, a way to fill the time where I was away from home.

I don't know what was said exactly. I just know that it was unacceptable and I felt disrespected. I recall feeling nervous and a lil fearful but anger took over.

I had the last word and then left abruptly before they could react. I'm going to recount some instances where I have been terrified.

Back in College I turned up for class and the tutor who always zeroed in on me kept coming in and out of the room. There was no-one else around.

I think people had decided to skip and I figured, I was there to learn so might as well show up. I was looking out the window and I just said..

"Why do you keep leaving and returning?"

Instead of being a professional. His reply was..

"Because I'm afraid to be left alone in a room with you, I might try/do something."

I tensed up so much. I don't know if he was joking or not. The door was open and I wanted to run but I couldn't. Once again I was trapped and freaked out.

I didn't want to be in close proximity to him. Walking out, would have mean't passing him by.

Nothing happened but after that I started avoiding him and I just hardly showed up to his classes. He tracked me down and said I needed to make up a paper.

I would be in his office, all alone, just me and him. I begged a friend to tag along but she had other priorities. Once again, there wasn't anything horrific but I was panicking.

I completed the assignment and left. I remember seeing him on the bus and he smiled at me and I just turned away disgusted.

He cracked a joke. 

"Pah typical. You see that, some people failed my class and avoid me."

I wanted to correct him but I couldn't. My tongue dissolves in these situations. I told my mama and she said I should report him but I didn't.

It was my word against his and it is humiliating to share something, where the response is unsympathetic.

There are way more harassment stories but it is going to have to wait because this post is going on too much.

He was a creep and should have been accountable!

#BlogLife34 - Don't overthink!

Give your overworked brain a rest for a minute. I get it, there are so many choices to make and each one that crops up needs the correct one.

How do you know if it's right? I try to gather all the facts and listen to what my gut instincts are telling me. Most of the time I get it accurate and there are other times when I'm wrong.

I go against my feelings and choose another path because it seems more applicable. I let the indecisiveness creep in and confuse me.

It is alright to be mistaken sometimes. The world won't fall apart. I'm not saying be careless and not think about it at all. I'm saying, after weighing the options, deciding and then realising it's false..

You can deal with that. Next time, or perhaps the time after that or later on, you will achieve the desired outcome. That means there is no need to be down on yourself for not getting it perfect the first time.

You don't need to over-analyze and go back and forth multiple times, unless you are in a deep predicament. You are an intelligent person.

I know this because you're reading my blog. (Just kidding) :D More importantly, you should see this in yourself. This is your homework.

Repeat after me. 

"I'm a smarty pants and I know it."

You may not believe it now but as you repeat it. It will lighten up your mood and then one day I'm hoping you'll think. Wow that SS, she knows me soooo well.

She is spot on about me!

#BlogLife33 - Happily unhappy

Good afternoony all :)

I was thinking about what I wanted to discuss today. My mum called me excited about a referral program I told her about to tell me she got it.

Her voice was animated and joyful throughout the whole conversation, she never worried or wavered, she was just in the moment. Brimming with happiness.

It made me think about when I was younger and I dreaded something good occurring my way because inevitably it followed something appalling.

Let's say I won a competition and I won a lot of those. I would be content for a minute or so and then the fretting would begin. 

What if it gets lost in the post or stolen by the neighbours?

What if it's not as advertised? 

What if they picked my name by mistake? 

I could never just revel in the instant, I had to pick it apart. I think now I have become more appreciative of the blessings. I don't feel owed. 

I just have a lil hope and a lil excitement of a maybe.. Try and recognise and accept that good achievement or fortune for what it is. 

Stop, smile and be grateful.

If bad news is around the corner and I sincerely hope that is not the case. Then there is nothing you can do about it. 

Put the cheesy grin back in its rightful place. Think happy, positive thoughts and celebrate wholeheartedly. A great surprise has come your way.

The only thing left to do is embrace it :)

#BlogLife32 - Gripped by panic

If you've been following my blog, you'll know that I suffer from PTSD and that I worry a lot in general. This morning I was due to have a stressful phone call..

Something that I perceived would concern me. My morning was going smoothly. I slightly missed my alarm but I woke up feeling refreshed and energised.

No haunting bad dreams which makes me sweat and become really afraid. There was none of that. I was even having a good hair day, it just fell together and made me happy I have a shorter hairdo.

I was running the bath that I cannot sit in because I would struggle to get up. I call it a shower-bath because although I don't have the shower head overhanging I have to use a jug and cleanse that way..

The phone starts ringing and the first thing I do is have a mini laugh and explain that I have to turn the tap off in case I forget it.

She is understanding and nothing she asks causes me any concern, whatsoever. I can reply with suitable responses and it's all smooth sailing.

But that initial worry is still there, until the conversation ends. It made me think about all the times, I got myself worked up, over nothing.

My day feels packed and I start thinking. How am I going to do all of this today? I have this, that and the other. The anxiety starts to build and then I just take a breathe.

I think hold on. Take a minute. What is the priority here? What needs to get completed first? I scroll the list mentally, pick out something and get on with it calmly.

I realise that it is just common sense and most people probably just do that anyway but it genuinely helps me to have a lil pep conversation and talk myself through the steps of what I need to do.

I had a mini shopping spree. I bought new headphones, hair bobbles and bedlinen. I was looking for my leave in conditioner.

I have three of them and the one I hate is all that I could find. Grr. I didn't really have time to experiment with the curlers but I will on a leisurely day.

PTSD is not something I wanted to acknowledge. I hated the word and denied it for a long time. After what happened to me. I figured I may or may not possess it.

After a while the fear was out of control. I was struggling to breathe. I felt dizzy and I felt so weak. I was desperate for sleep but every time I closed my eyes, I just relived everything.

I tried unsuccessfully to forget it. To live in denial and just shake the feeling out of me but it was impossible. The moment I stopped comparing myself to others and accepted it..

Was the time that I helped myself. I thought I should stop being a drama queen. People have real experiences and have lived through horrors.

What I went through was no picnic but I convinced myself it was somehow....less than what others have gone through. Pretty soon afterwards I discovered asmr and soothing music/headphones help in that moment.

It's like being blind or blinded. My vision gets hazy and I can't move and I feel unsteady as though if I don't hold onto something I'm going to collapse.

If you are struggling, try and get to a quiet place and just if possible, inhale, hold it and then slowly exhale. Repeat that until you feel whole again.

#BlogLife31 - Get Out! (Fiction)

I tread softly approaching the door. I hear laughter and chatter but I can't make out what it's about. I reach my hand out to turn the door knob but then I stop myself.

I really wasn't invited. I tagged along. Acquaintances have gone in before me and I hesitated and didn't join them. I should have. It would have been easier to blend in and mingle but I can't.

I take a deep breath and go for it. It is now or never. I turn the handle and it's like I am entering a whole new world. People freeze.

The music stops. There is silence and it seems like pointing and it's like I can hear their inner voices, screaming at me.

You don't belong here!

Who are you trying to kid? 

What are you doing here?

Who invited you?

I can't have fun, while you're near!

I wish you had never arrived!

GET OUT!!

My breath stops and then I exhale loudly looking around. I blink and it's back to normal. People are just milling around. The music is playing in the background and laughter is heard all around me.

I walk past them all shrugging my shoulders, maybe they are accurate. I don't feel at all myself. I head for the back door and sneak away.

The sun is radiating warmth and birds are chirping. I don't feel uneasy any longer. I hear someone in the distance faintly calling out to me..

Over and over until I hear footsteps getting closer. I shake my head trying to justify it in my head. Hey I tried. I showed up. I entered and now I'm bolting.

I don't know why I've always felt like that. That I am mean't to be alone. To struggle by myself. To support myself. To be by myself.

I do know that I don't make things worse by entering into a room and staying. I know it, deep down I do but I don't believe it.

I walk forwards in a hurry and soon I no longer hear my name being called. That fake politeness being invited back, when they really couldn't care less.

I'm not missed. I'm not the life and soul of the party. I am the invisible woman that aimlessly wanders. Doesn't talk to anyone and probably trips over something or spills a drink.

I have been the entertainer and the wallflower. I don't like either of those. I grab the punchbowl and smash it in the kitchen. I tip the contents of the cupboards on to the shiny floor.

I throw platters of food on the walls and watch it trickle down leaving stains. I grab two bottles of alcohol and I hurl them in empty spaces of the room.

I finally look up and I'm finally noticed, really seen, for the first time ever! I look at the faces of strangers and people I know and now there is pointing and looks and I shrug and laugh.

Either I am wanted to make up numbers, due to obligation or because I'm the witty one. How about an invitation because you miss me?

Or due to you wanting to catch up? Or perhaps you want to spoil me for a change? How would that be? That would be a radical change because it never happens.

Acquaintanceship/friendship.. Whatever you want to call it, should not solely exist in your orbit. Get out of your ego and be there for someone else, who really needs it.

#BlogLife30 - Forgiving Myself update

I'm sorry for the lack of BlogLife yesterday but I had a bit of a crisis and made some decisions. I was really slack about contributing to the blog previously but now I'm making more of an effort to regularly post.

At the weekends I'm not going to put pressure on myself to publish something. If it happens then great, if not, that is acceptable also.

I've chosen to not write anymore Ramo commentaries for a few reasons. When I first started them I got significant views and nowadays they have really petered off.

I was kinda hoping it would spark off a discussion about the show with other fans. Also for the amount of thought and details I put into it..

It was sooo time consuming. The episodes are about two hours long and I can't munch while I'm typing. I have to keep pausing it to add the details and sometimes I have to replay bits.

It's just not worth it when hardly anyone is reading them. I'm sorry for those that enjoyed them and I've made my peace with whoever wants to unfollow and no longer read my blog.

It's a shame but it's life. What happened on Saturday is still haunting me because I haven't ever done it before. I left the bath running and forgot about it.

I can't believe I was that careless. Is it due to my age? Am I losing my faculties? Was it a simple mistake? I get distracted so easily.

Luckily there was no damage and the floor is practically dry now but I am still replaying it and I can't stop beating myself up over it.

I've done a lot of silly things and I tend to focus on the negative, rather than the positive and I'm attempting to stop. I've made progress.

Days like yesterday though are a setback. It could have been so much worse. I didn't burn my hand reaching in to unplug the bath but I did hurt it.

It just reminds me of the time I was making samosas and I got bored standing there so I went next door and was reading a magazine.

I don't know what alerted me but when I went back in the kitchen I just saw flames and the thing was, I knew how to put the fire out but it was like my brain was frozen..

Or my reactions were non existent. I just panicked and ending up reaching out to my neighbour who sorted it out for me. My mama was livid and the firemen were sympathetic to me but I just fell apart over it.

As furious as my mama was, nothing she could say or do even came close to how I berated myself. It took me a long time to rationalise my error.

I have never thought of myself as perfect but when there is a lifetime of criticism, then any single mistakes are just exacerbated that much more.

It doesn't help that people, especially my parents kept reminding me of my mistakes and having a laugh about it. It wasn't a fun time for me.

However at least I own up to things. I decided I have had enough of being laughed at, instead of with, so now every time it happens. I just pretend I have no recollection of it.

My face turns totally passive and the other person can't believe it. I maintain it, the joke dies very quickly and it is brought to my attention less and less. The power is gone.

My humiliation is buried. I think I am going to try something new. *Holds hand up* I admit I did something wrong. I did not do it on purpose. I am regretful. 

I wish it had not have happened but it did. Now I am going to try and move on from it.

I don't want to hate myself anymore. I want to celebrate the joys of being me :)

#BlogLife29 - Keeping you abreast..

Afternoony chums.

Yesterday had a rocky start that ended on a high note and today is just smooth sailing. I woke up after a good rest and I didn't feel tired. 

I won a Looney Tunes gem competition and just got paid so that was handy. I think I'll just get a bunch of gold tickets with it. I never have enough of those.

I know this is a personal blog but sometimes I avoid getting too candid with the details. However today after contemplating I decided to go ahead.

Growing up I wasn't really that tall. I was under 5ft7 and I had puppy fat, bad vision and a body that was evolving faster than I was.

I hated being different and standing out. I just wanted to blend into the background but the one or should I say two prominent things that stood out was my chest.

Nearly all the girls in my class were flat and I was not. There was an obvious difference but what cemented it, was being away on a trip and getting changed and being stuck in a nightie and hearing the whispers.

Oh my goodness, have the seen the size of her......? Good job no-one could see my purple face. I eventually grew to love my physique but the backache is aggravating.

Also I still remember being pre-teen and shopping on a budget for bras and being told, sorry we don't do your size. I was stuck in an unfitting bra for years.

There was nothing in my size in the local stores and everything else was out of my price range. I mean back then, larger lingerie sizes were not affordable at all.

When I got dressed for school my chest was always seeping out of my bra at the sides because it couldn't be contained. I remember my friend over my sports top, touching my chest and asking what that was....

She had seen the extra lumps and I don't know who was more mortified because we both laughed when I said.......Those are my breasts.

It was only after I left school that me and her used to go lingerie shopping and we discovered discount places and just went to town on the bargains.

I was already a seasoned shopper but this was a whole new world. Every time I was fitted for a bra, I was a different size but now it actually fit properly.

Every ounce of me was stored away nicely. No matter what your size is. It makes you smile when you can put on a new set of pretty feminine lingerie.

Forget about who sees it for a second. Hardly anyone did in my case but it made me feel good when I wasn't always the happiest with my figure.

The most embarrassing thing that happened to me was walking down the street merrily while oblivious and some guy pointing out the underwire in my bra had come out.

Oh that was mortifying. I quickly pulled it out and dumped it in the trash. How was I not aware?? 

When you are ample, the greatest thing is coming home, changing into house clothes and removing a tight bra. When you are busty, you need a superior supportive bra that is tightly strapped and a full cup.

I like to hike mine up as high as possible so it is quite constrictive and horrible to wear quite frankly. I have even tried some of the sleep/comfort bras but either they give no lift or they are just as tight.

I finally got one that holds me together but it is so binding. I don't know if eventually it will loosen up but I haven't worn it much.

#BlogLife28 - Killing the painful critic

Wouldn't you like to permanently silence the inner saboteur? I've been trying to finish chapter 5 of Lethal Curves Ahead and I keep distracting myself with music.

I usually play asmr but I just felt like listening to tunes but I'm trying to find songs that are not in English so I can't hum along and stop working.

I mean I haven't done all that badly. I am halfway through but I stopped to braid my hair into two side plaits and charge my phone.

I much prefer my phone for listening to music as that doesn't buffer and have the annoying *still watching* click. Grr. Now I'm switching between BlogLife and the book.

Ridiculous. This second book already feels better so I promised myself I wasn't going to leave it too long in between writing chapters.

Woohoo I wrote chapter 5 and 6. That is pretty amazing as I haven't had a real rush for a while that I could endlessly create but now it's done. 

I'm relieved. It was a rocky start and my thoughts just kept saying.. 

Skive,

Keep getting distracted,

Do something more fun,

What is the point? You know it's trash?

Why bother, seriously? No-one will read it.

I decided to persevere because I sometimes give in and let these harmful brainwaves get to me but today was already terrible.

My hands were throbbing badly and I didn't want to make it worse by pushing myself. Instead I took a nap, let my body rest and after a short while, the pain lessened..

Then finally disappeared. I knew taking a break would revive me and it most certainly did. I'm just trying to push through the barriers.

Only when it makes sense. If I had not stepped away and continued. I would still be in utter agony but I listened to my body and recognised what it needed.

Sometimes it is hard to do the productive thing but the rush you get when it's completed. Oh wow. It is so satisfying, so hold on to that feeling the next time you procrastinate.

Saying, yea yea yea. I'll do it later or tomorrow or next week. At least attempt it and you'll feel such a boost, you probably won't want to stop until it is done :)

#BlogLife27 - What do people see when they look at you?

I had this friend that I knew and our families got on well together. I thought that I wanted to be popular and have a lot of platonic male friends.

I didn't realise that very few men are capable of a platonic friendship with a female. I don't if it's a respect thing or it's an I'm-so-in-awe-of-you I won't try it on.

But friends of mine managed to have guys in their lives that didn't cross the line. I rarely did. I was typically inappropriately grabbed or told something gross.

I was always upfront. I repeated it continuously. My view is friends are non physically intimate. I was purely after a friendship, nothing more.

Anything else can be touchy-feely. Anyway this mate of mine was always clowning around and making himself out to be the greatest guy in the world.

I saw past it because when he wasn't in crowds, he was a completely different person. He was sweet, kind and considerate.

My friends didn't like him though because they only saw that arrogant side, he showed to them. In fact his ego almost cost us our friendship.

I had always defended him, saying you have to look underneath, he has real substance. I started calling him every week, not because of a crush.

I never saw him in a romantic light, he was just a good pal. Maybe I just wanted to see a good guy up close. I didn't really have anyone like that around me.

Could that be why I tried so hard to maintain a constant bond? Out of the blue I got a message from his girlfriend stating.. Stay away from my boyfriend or else.

I didn't really understand it. Thinking back though, with the calls and the card that I gave him with the message.... Thank goodness for your eyes and ears..

She got the wrong impression. I wrote that because him and his brother were one of the few people I had opened up too and they had actually paid attention and not shut me down.

I am no homewrecker so I promptly called him up but he wasn't around so I just had the most awkward conversation with his papa.

Hahaha!! I said could you please pass on the message, that I will be leaving him in peace from now on and my intention was not to cause trouble.

I can't stop laughing because his papa, took my side and was livid with his son, apologising for his son's behaviour and stating he would make his son fix whatever it was.

I kept telling him there was no need but he insisted and I quickly mumbled a goodbye, relieved it was over. My ex-friend called me up and asked to meet.

He wouldn't take no for an answer, so reluctantly I agreed and we had a really frank discussion. He had wrongly assumed I had a huge crush on him.

I had to correct him and say that I even went so far as to avoid making an effort in my appearance so that he would know I wasn't ever holding a torch for him.

He made the colossal mistake of throwing my name in his girlfriend's face whenever they fought. Stating that at least....wants me..

I could have killed him!! No wonder he girlfriend despised me. I couldn't blame her, after what he confessed. Eventually it was all sorted out and I backed off somewhat.

We were still friends but I respect boundaries and if my friendship, made his girlfriend insecure. I wasn't about to make it worse.

I still cared about him and sure he made an error in judgement but he was still a great guy.

I don't know why I ended up reminiscing. I didn't need to be surrounded, all I really required was genuine, respectful buddies.

I have a lot of vanity and I do take a lot of opportunities to broadcast my abilities but it is just my armour. The more mud that gets slung my way, the more of an egotistical brat I'll become :D

I'm thinking I give off many first impressions..

Stand-offish

Sarcastic

Unapproachable

Giggly

Jokester

Direct

Pessimistic

Awkward

Clumsy

Death-stare is my favourite one. That means steer clear, keep walking, avoid eye contact. Do not get close. This is not a drill people. 

It all depends on my frame of mind.

#BlogLife26 - Weight conscious Update

I've just discovered a show called This Is Us. I gravitate towards characters and shows that deal with weight issues because I can understand the difficulties they face.

Some of the others shows I've seen in this field would be, Fat Friends, Mike and Molly and My Big Fat Mad Diary. This gave me pause for thought when he said...

"I used to be like you. Tried to lose the weight. You know what I finally figured out? It's a hell of a lot easier to accept who you are, in all your damaged glory."

"Than to be someone you are not."

I interpret it in two ways. Come to terms with being a weight challenged person and deal with the fact that you will always be this way, so why bother making the effort to change?

Secondly. Instead of hating on yourself and thinking that everything will become magically transformed once you drop the extra stones or pounds.

Start by finding things to like about yourself. Don't say..

As soon as I get lighter, love will appear...

As soon as I get fitter, I'll be more confident..

As soon as I Iose those extra pounds, I'll update my wardrobe..

You can't put your life on hold waiting for everything to be perfect. You have to work on yourself now so that when or if you manage to be slender.

You have the right frame of mind, to actually enjoy it. To pull off wearing tailored outfits that aren't baggy. That do show your figure off.

Then you have to deal with all that attention you now get. It sounds thrilling. For the first couple of seconds it is but it soon gets overwhelming and it will challenge that lil bit of courage that you have built up.

My wardrobe as the weight piled on, was so drab. Black everywhere so that I wouldn't stand out and the extra curves wouldn't either.

It was so dull. I kept promising myself that, once I got into a regular workout routine and went down some clothing sizes. I would splash out and invite colour back.

Over time I just missed wearing exciting clothes. They no longer had to be revealing. Hell they just needed to be cute. Reds, blues and purples I used to like.

Little by little. I shopped around and instead of going for black shades, I opted for darker blues, purples, reds and even greens.

Long sleeves and long tops that were probably meant as dresses but I themed them with skirts or trousers and it all worked.

I got bolder and started shopping for lighter colours. I still feel all eyes are on me, for the wrong reason but I look adorable!! I choose specific things to flatter me and it does.

I'm going to finish by saying.. You are a gorgeous warrior and I hope we can both keep an active routine but don't stop there. 

Work at your thought patterns and improve all of you, not just the bit that shows outwardly.

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2020/07/you-are-not-alone-2.html

I forgot to add that, another bit of the show made me stop and think and that was the conversation between mama and daughter.

The daughter considers gastric bypass as a last resort as the weight is not shedding fast enough. The mama turns and says.....

Did I do this to you? The daughter replies as she is crying, I don't know.

It made me consider, when I was growing up. I liked snacking and I didn't see myself as overweight or having a problem.

My parents did and the more they commented to say..

You're being greedy

Do you really need that?

What is wrong with you? Do you have worms?

You're going to get fat

You're going to struggle to lose weight

Look how nice so and so looks, don't you want to be like them? Look like them?

Etc etc is the more I began to obsess about my figure and stop thinking that I had a healthy appetite and instead view food as the enemy that I no longer wanted to eat.

If you know someone with this predicament. Be encouraging towards them, instead of being damaging!

#BlogLife25 - Why are you so anti-social?

I heard this question from my parents quite often as I grew up. The other two made friends easily and just seemed to adapt to being surrounded by known and unknown people.

I didn't. I guess being told to hush for half my life, erased all my social etiquette. The few times I did speak, I made my voice as soft as possible.

I didn't even realise I did that. I didn't want to embarrass myself or my family so if people couldn't hear me all the better. I grew up being made to believe that I had nothing significant to offer.

I took it to heart. I people-pleased and resented it. I turned snarky and hated myself and then I became aware of who I was then and who I wanted to be in the future.

There was so much criticism at home that when outsiders did it. I couldn't handle it. I wondered what was wrong with me? Surely I must be doing something wrong to attract hate, right?

It was my looks? Or was it my voice? Or maybe my height? My weight? The way I acted? The fact that I was too sensitive?

I wasn't an intellectual? I mean why else would people continually zero in on my insecurities? Some people knew about them..

Others didn't and yet they said such mean things. Treated me with contempt. I had to be doing something to deserve it, right? 

I glanced around and I envied those so-called perfect people. They said the right things, at the right time, were surrounded by crowds fawning all over them, boosting their already inflated egos.

On the surface their smiles were bright. They were always happy and laughing but underneath, there was a lot of sighing and unrest.

I thought it was always a bad thing that I wasn't like everyone else but it turns out being different is fun. I get to explore my personality and voice something unique.

So what if it's not mainstream or popular? Who cares? I'm not saying I know better than you. I don't. I am saying I have the right to be heard, the same as you do.

My point is, when someone says you don't matter. They are lying and they are threatened by you. They see something in you that makes them nervous.

They also see traits in you, that appear within themselves and they cannot bear it. You don't need a million friends. You don't need to compete.

It helps to have someone around you who is trustworthy, honest and reliable. A person that will call you out when you're making the wrong choice.

Who will tell you straight, the real truth instead of the opinion you really really want to hear haha :D

I'm just relieved that I get to have the last laugh. I get complimented on my voice, my wit, my personality and my street-smarts.

I am important and you are too! Repeat after me....

I can out-quirk anyone!! :D 

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2019/01/floundering.html

#BlogLife24 - Who am I?

Evening friends,

That might be presumptuous saying that but I'm feeling optimistic and the sun is shining beautifully on my face so I feel great. 

How are you all doing? I'm not sure why but I'm not getting much sleep these days. My mind is just full of things to do and it just won't switch off.

I've changed my blog description a few times. I guess sometimes even I am not sure what I am about.

Health?

Weight?

Writing?

Relationships?

Family?

Gaming?

Gender?

Cultural identity?

Solitude?

and finally confidence. I think that about covers it. I only share snippets of each, not because I am ashamed of who I am, but due to a fierce need to keep any relevant information hidden.

The more I share, the more vulnerable I become. Too many people take advantage. There isn't any safe spaces anymore.

However I tag these posts with safe-space because I want you as a reader to feel assured that anything you say will be treated with respect.

I didn't really want to moderate comments before they are allowed to be published but to avoid spam. It has to be done.

Q1) What does your blog description say about you?

A) Well first you have the basics, gender, age, location and then my expert subject.

B) I kept mine short and mysterious. I am all about the intrigue but there is a photo of me. A picture is worth a thousand words right?

C) I didn't put a photo up but I covered the basic principles about what I would probably be discussing.

It's probably best if you review it once in a while because blogs tend to evolve and interests change.

What you were passionate about six months ago, may not hold your fascination these days.

Two things I haven't yet worked out. 

Q2) How do you stop your hair going flat after your remove the headband? My volume is non existent afterwards haha :D

A) *Shrugs* What are you asking me for? I asked you that question :D

B) Ummm. I guess you tease it first and use products to make it voluminous?

C) Look. I really don't have time for this. I have the opposite problem, my hair is too thick and frizzy. Fix that first.

Q3) What do you listen to in the background while you are working/studying/doing chores/writing?

A) Music, every time. I crank up those tunes, bop my head and even hum along. Though it's distracting when the good songs come on.

B) If I am going to hear anything. It has to be asmr. Sound effects are relaxing but at the same time, my mind doesn't wander and I keep focused.

C) Why do you assume I have anything on? I don't. I like complete silence. I need total concentration on the task at hand.

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2020/09/about-me-and-my-blog-100th-post.html

I should probably update the popular posts but I guess it would probably just be the Hercai/Ramo commentaries..

#BlogLife23 - Unglamorous

I'm just lounging here waiting for my Iceland groceries to arrive. I experimented with the curlers but no leave in conditioner this time.

I'm not venturing out so this is a dry run. One side, the right, turned out softly waved with volume and style and the other, felt flat and unkempt. Grr

I think I definitely need the leave in conditioner and to put it on damper hair because at this point, my hair was practically dry. It is definitely an improvement with the curlers though.

I bought a new headband for £6.69. It is black and pink, reversible and much better quality. It is actually as advertised, very thick.

The last one I bought, lost its elasticity within days and turned out to be super thin. Grr. I hate false advertising. 

The more expensive one I had on my wishlist but it seemed pricey for just a simple headband but it is a case of, you get what you pay for.

I also managed to pluck my brows to make them tidier and I feel less scruffy now. 

Have any of you seen Sex and the City? I used to think it was called Sex in the City. To me that made more sense :) I always thought as annoying as the Carrie character was, played by Sarah Jessica Parker..

Her life just appeared so glitzy. I know it's just a television show but as I grew up watching it. I wondered if that was how writers lived their lives.

Schmoozing, partying, dating and having such a colourful wardrobe. The reality is vastly different, although my wardrobe has gotten brighter these days. 

Q1) Who was your favourite character on the show?

A) The lead of course SJP. I mean sure she was whiny and unfaithful and self centred and terrible with money but she oozed confidence and style.

B) Mr Big. I mean who doesn't love a bad guy? Although he was a commitment phobic, philandering, game playing jerk with a few redeeming qualities..

C) Miranda full of sarcasm and wit. How could you not love her? I mean sure, at times you wanted to shake her and say. Lighten up hon. Good things do happen..

My stomach's rumbling, chop chop delivery guy or gal. I don't paint my nails anymore as I tend to keep them short and varnish on my trim nails looks unappealing.

Other people can get away with it but for me I just don't like how it looks. I did file them today though. I haven't done a face mask or used the face brush yet.

I'll save that for later or tonight. I heard a van and thought that might be my shopping but alas no :( The last thing to do now is give myself a pedicure.

I have the rechargeable hard skin remover and my Dove body butter for afterwards. I love the scent. It's the Pro Age version. Although I don't recall see any others.

I find with places like elbows and feet, I need a thicker cream that is more moisturising. Otherwise those areas get too dry and start cracking.

When I'm writing, I'm constantly leaning on my elbows which ends up being really painful so I try to hydrate them with a luxurious body butter as often as I remember.

Ooh you know what else is a brilliant product for those suffering from dry skin? Gel oils. Avon, Johnsons and Vaseline do them.

I'm not entirely sure if Avon still does. This is how you use it, have a bath or shower and then when your skin is not dripping wet but slightly damp.

Apply it all over or in the specific dry areas, rub it in and leave it further soak in for however much time you can spare and then either you can pat the excess off with a towel or just leave it.

Your skin will thank you. It will now be super soft, with a healthy glow.

Q2) What is your favourite type of shopping excursion?

A) Clothes, clothes and more clothes. I look fabulous in everything. The mirror loves me, sales assistant envy me and I have unlimited credit to buy whatever I desire.

B) Well someone is clearly a showoff. Pfft. I like footwear, whether it is casual or smart. 

I just like different styles and shades and it's fun completing my outfit with my choice of funky shoes/boots/trainers etc.

C) I've always liked hair accessories. They just transform you and bring a lil spark to your ensemble. 

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2020/10/do-you-feel-beautiful.html

#BlogLife22 - You are soooo irksome

Ummmm no I didn't just call you a cutesy name. I'm referring to the lil things that bother us.

Q1) What bugs you?

A) I hate when I read an advert or description for something I want to purchase and it doesn't have the specific criteria I am looking for. Grrrr!!!

B) When I wake up in the morning, put my contact lenses on and they sting me for a few minutes and my eyes are watering and burning and I can't see/do anything.

C) When you just about miss a call because you were in another room or busy and you do the polite thing and call back but there is no answer. It just rings and rings.

Hey buddy, you called me. I was content doing my own thing. Stop playing hard to get and pouting and pick up the damn phone!

I just finished chapter 4 of Lethal Curves Ahead. Sometimes I forget how to copy, highlight and paste or edit it. 

I'm just randomly clicking lol. I was tempted to publish the chapters here but Wattpad has copyright coverage and this doesn't so I'm afraid it would get stolen or copied.

I'll just continue linking through social media. Although if I remember I'll link to it at the bottom of the page.

Q2) What is your favourite thing to read?

A) Your books of course. I stayed up all nigh- (Quit clowning and answer properly).

Alright, alright. Bet Me by Jennifer Cruise is a funny read aside from the cliche elements. 

Lack of confidence, same meals continuously, fractured mama/daughter relationship. 

B) I got into the first dozen or so Stephanie Plum series but then I wanted to set fire to them.

She was the female version of Peter Pan with no personal growth and an ongoing love triangle that was ludicrously dragging on.

I stopped caring and hoped somebody would just murder her and put us all out of our misery :D

C) I don't read. (Right that is it. I compose these thought provoking intellectual questions and none of you take them seriously)!

Why are you all laughing? April fools is over. Answer the frigging question!

C) In all seriousness. I like reading various blogs. I just step out of my own life, problems and tasks and I just calm myself and get lost in someone else's world.

https://www.wattpad.com/story/61752258-lethal-curves-ahead

https://sleeplessscribbler.blogspot.com/2020/10/the-cheating-scent.html