#BlogLife532 - Birthday tweetness

I wanted to say Good morning and how is your day treating you? But I got heavily distracted.

My body feels yucky but my mind feels care-free. I love shopping for others so I finished adding everything to Mama and me's gift basket and most of it will arrive on Sunday and the rest Friday.

The kitkat bundle confuses the heck out of me, first they say 20-22nd July which is really late as today is only the 12th and then my email just said it's been posted and here's the tracking number haha.

I think the longest a tracked parcel has been waiting to arrive is 4 days.

I'm not sure why there was such a big delayed estimated delivery but Mama's usually out during the week and Saturday's so hopefully they will arrive early when she's at home.

I originally wanted to try, kitkat, mint, orange, hazelnut and dark. I didn't have much choice, everything was massive bulk purchases so in the end I settled for...

Hazelnut, dark, orange and original for £12 which I didn't mind paying for.

I doubt we will consume it all and probably just give the majority away which I don't really care about, if it was ferreros then I wouldn't but I'm not a kitkat fan so that's why.

Then I was super happy because Amazon gave me discounts bahaha.

I know it's only £3 saving plus free delivery but I love a bargain. It was £21 altogether.

I bought Scottish homemade fudge (again not a fan), 2x bottles of rose non alcoholic wine.

2x bottles of sugar free dark berry tango, chocolate chip and hazelnut biscuits and ankle socks for me, although if she needs some she can take half.

I wanted to get the microwave popcorn but it was so pricey and none of the other things were in singles, like bombay mix or plantain chips.

I do like the fact that Amazon said you can keep adding to this order until Saturday and it will all arrive together.

I never knew that before. Skin wise I have two black marks on my face and I am having a mini pimple breakouts.

The new Himalaya face wash did not prevent them and doesn't seem to be removing them either, which is a shame because it's delightful to use.

I think I will go back to the L'oreal Fine Flowers after this to clear up my skin in the pink slim bottle.

I bought the Brompton House Apple Puffs 4x £1 a nice medium size and they are already cooked.

They are not as nice as the mini apple bites that Iceland has but they are fabulous value for money, considering how big they are.

It's soft pastry, sweet apple and cinnamon and tasty. It's only the tiniest bit bitter and not too sugary.

I would definitely recommend it.

#BlogLife531 - Are you a kitkat lover?

I broke the news to Mama just now that we wouldn't be celebrating together and she understood the predicament that I was in, meetings at inconvenient times.

And then I was asking if she wanted anything in particular gift-wise and surprisingly she didn't want the massage as she feels sensitive in her knees but she wouldn't mind a foodie hamper.

Non alcoholic wine, kitkat assortment. Wow, I never knew there were so many new variations now.

Mint, orange, white, caramel, yowser. I'm not a big wafer fan but the chunky peanut one is delicious.

And I have never ever seen the hazelnut version so I will get a mixed bag and add random items and I told her to text me, if she wants anything more.

There is even a Japanese strawberry one, arghhh, craziness but fun.

It's quite a warm day today and I wore the last of the new tops, the red version and it's warm but cool so I was nice and protected from the winds.

Everytime I say, I'm not going to order food, I cave and get something.

Today I saw this eggy burger and fries and I was dry heaving all morning so I added lucozade and sprite because I don't want that all day sickiness feeling which can occur.

I was thinking about hiring a professional blog designer to change the theme. I just don't know what to tell them to do with it.

And I'm really worried about the cost. I don't even know where to look, Googly woogly is confusing.

I know that I don't want a pop-up saying subscribe or welcome, I can't stand those.

I just want something where it displays clearly and it's neat and organised, with pops of colour.

But my issue is, I get so bored with templates, what if I hate it and then I will be stuck, having paid x amount for it.

That has what has prevented me from going ahead.

#BlogLife530 - Medicine free headache treatment

Sorry again about not posting on Thursday. I started to write but couldn't finish.

The thing with the emotional posts is that I will write them and then I am in the sad head space for a while.

Then add feeling under the weather, with the constant nausea and headaches, which strip my concentration and focus and it's a recipe for disaster.

I don't really suffer from headaches too much but when I do get them, they don't last long.

Although some can be really intense. Lately I was on day 5 or 6 of this stop-start ongoing headache.

Usually it is at the front of sides of my head only. This one has my whole head infected.

I don't think it's due to my eyes and I am guessing it is sinus related.

One minute I feel stuffy and the next I am fine. My treatment of choice is the eye gel mask and the peppermint oil, plus binaural beats on youtube.

But clary sage oil is apparently a healer also so I'm throwing that in.

Plus my gut has been saying try lemon essential oil so I just bought some from my favourite ebay seller.

Those have always been authentic and not watered down. I am hoping something will eventually cure it.

And I was running low on contact lens equipment, like eye drops and saline solutions so I bought batches of those.

I might also get another pair of those high fluffy slippers because they are so comfy without being flat and that's unusual.

Normally when they are platform style or have a heel, I find them painful but these are so cute and beneficial.

Aww they are sold out in my size but I might get some for my birthday.

I don't know what to get Mama for her birthday. I was thinking maybe homemade fudge again and paying for her to get an all body massage which she loves.

All of my orders came so I am replenished on the eye drops, saline solutions and I don't have to be concerned they will arrive if I go away.

My complimentary prime trial on Amazon expired but they offered me another month free so I extended that until August.

I wish The Secret Life of Amy Bensen was on it, as I haven't seen the last episode.

I saw it but it wasn't in english and there were no subtitles, I can only guess that she realised what we all suspected that he was a baddie and she ran away.

Oh I confirmed something today which is making me delay the time away.

Mama said that he, the sibling will be around if I show up, he's not staying directly with her, but in the floor above her.

To me, it's still like an axe murderer living in your building and cutting off your joy and relaxation at any given moment.

Birthdays have never been happy occasions so for at least this day, I want calmness and no stress whatsoever.

He can still barge in and scrounge meals, set demands, which is probably the point of being close by.

And although I can be polite, it's stressful to be around someone dangerous that is a ticking time bomb.

I don't know, nobody knows what sets them both off. But I'm tired of being around them. 

I don't respect them at all. I want safety and security. I want to let my guard down.

Her words which annoy me are don't worry about it, he's not directly in her apartment so it's all fine.

It isn't though. It is not alright so I doubt we will be spending it together because he only thinks of himself.

He could have stayed anywhere but he chose there. I am going to put my needs first and breathe easily.

I forgot to mention that finally the headache has disappeared. I am so relieved.

A few days have passed and no thumping pain and I think the essential oils had a lot to do with it.

If you feel pills are the best thing for you, go ahead but I am trying to be as natural as possible to avoid the nasty short and long term effects of chemicals in the body.

In taking a stand I wish Mama could interpret it, in a non selfish way.

I've always dreamed that by not socialising with them, she would internally question it to herself, maybe there is more to it.

Maybe the past isn't forgotten. Maybe she still feels terrified for a reason and I should respect her decision to stay away.

She never has seen it from my point of view fully. It's always seen as me being self absorbed and difficult and petty.

Anyway the decision is out of my hands as Dic said I have the last appointment next week.

I couldn't believe it. The programme only lasts a year and that was it.

July to July. I knew it was approaching or had just passed but I thought it was 18months or 2 years..

In my head, I was throwing a party, dancing, grinning, screaming happily.

I asked if he was sure and he confirmed it. That is the positive news.

The bad news is, I won't be able to go away to see Mama anyway as there is no time at the moment so I have to call her and let her know today.

I have mixed feelings, on one hand I won't see my sibling and that's pure joy.

Then on the other I won't spend her special day with her celebrating and spoiling her.

But it's out of my hands. Oh another thing about these Amazon tops that I only noticed today.

My heavens it's been decades since this has happened. It hugs my bust but floats out straight downwards so it appears like I have a flat tummy!!!

Can you believe it? I look bulge-less. If you've ever been self conscious about your mid-section, all you hope for, is that clothes hang prettily and disguise the wobbly bits.

Finally I have found tops that make me look more slender than I am, woohoo.

I'm not washing my hair again tomorrow so I hope it stays this set, volumised and cute.

Despite the morning dry heaving, the backache and tiredness, today is a rare good day.

I hope the start of your week makes you smile too. I shall see you tomorrow.....

#BlogLife529 - Be my chauffeur

I didn't realise that the Trinny takeover makeover show is back so I had fun watching the season 6 opener.

One of the randoms was talking about how he is supposedly shy and yet every chance he got brought up sex.

Pfft. But he was also talking about shopping with me and making him presentable.

He's not local so I wouldn't do it but the previous times, the men in question, didn't want a change of style, they were very rigid and not open to my ideas.

But I think they wanted a woman to stand by them and say they looked good, which they did.

They both had good figures and needed some brightness to their wardrobe and modernising but I gently pushed them in the right direction and make them feel pretty :D

I mostly have gotten rid of this 2 day headache that is plaguing me. I feel blocked up without being having cold/flu symptoms.

Maybe I have caught a chill as the sun is shining and I am shivering away, great excuse to plug in the blankie again.

My whole head has been hurting and I've been using the eye mask, napping, applying peppermint oil, playing binaural beats and doing whatever else comes to mind.

I hope it fades forever now. Chronic pain is bad enough and the weekend is downtime, I don't need more of it, when this is my moment to  forget everything and relax.

I was convinced the Amazon tops were going to arrive today but now I have a feeling it will be Monday.

I just want them to get here, to see if there are as nice as the one I bought.

I'm tempted to buy lemon essential oil, I think that is supposed to be healing also.

I researched the oils before I bought the diffuser, (that I no longer use).

Some you aren't supposed to apply directly to the skin but I felt so bad, I wanted maximum exposure so I put it on my wrists, neck and nose.

I did feel a lil instant relief, I have to say and I haven't washed it off, I just rinsed my hands as I didn't want to rub my eyes again.

Oh actually my eyes were affected, they weren't burning, but they did feel sensitive. I didn't put much on but a lil eye discomfort was worth it.

It's been about 3 months since the last eyebrow wax and pedicure and I have to epilate my legs on one side.

My thighs are almost completely hairless still. I'm so glad I didn't bother with the permanent laser treatment, what a waste of money.

I miss getting facials done, probably manicures too, although physically I don't think I could tolerate sitting/lying still for that amount of time, on a hard surface.

I can manage to do them at home effectively clearing my skin up but it was soo de-stressing to get the face massages and the care.

Pedicures are pretty indulgent as well though, as there are instances where I neglect my legs and feet so pedicures make up for it.

Did I ever tell you about my driving lessons when I was excited about learning to drive and getting a car?

I can't remember how old I was, 17yrs/18yrs maybe. I'm sure I was still a teenager.

So my Mama arranged for a friend at Church to give me some lessons.

In one way, he was a likeable chap and in another sense, I felt like he was trying to parent me, which I felt was out of order.

And at that point I was probably at the height of my rebellion so instead of being quiet, I had random angry outbursts, which few people saw or expected.

It first started at a Church beach outing and I was reading a Mills and Boon book hahaha.

And he was outraged so he said you can't read that and he tried to talk to my Mama and say, have you seen what your daughter has in her hands?

Mama didn't say anything because she wasn't bothered. I was either an adult already or I was getting there.

I wasn't embarrassed, I have very few friends and I knew there probably wouldn't be anyone to talk to on the coach and I didn't want to be bored.

Hence the book so when he just kept hounding me. I snapped and said....

You're not my Papa. Only he can tell me what to do! The whole of the coach as well as himself was gobsmacked.

He could not say a thing to me after that because he knew I was right.

Go parent your own damn kids and stop trying to bully me into submission.

Anyway that passed and bad feelings didn't linger but he gave me one driving lesson and after that I quit because he was shouting at me.

Teachers are supposed to be patient and tolerable and he wasn't.

I was supposed to turn or pause and I didn't know how so I just took my hands off the steering wheel and knew he would take over to avoid crashing his precious car.

He was yelling and screaming at me. Saying can't you see the obstacle?? And I didn't appreciate that.

I lied and said nope couldn't see it and I think he gave me another eye test, to see a registration number...

The first one I think I read it easily and after that incident, I faked and misread it on purpose.

And he was like hmmmm, I'm not sure your vision is good enough.

I drew the conclusion that I didn't want to be in another situation where I was being verbally attacked.

My vision is really bad anyway, I wear contacts, I can barely see when it's dark. I'm short sighted.

I can't really read signs far away and it made me realise that, drivers have to have eyes in the back of their heads.

They have to see clearly and be responsible and fork out a lot of money, for insurance and taxes and the rest of it.

I didn't want to do that, with barely having enough money to live on and buy groceries.

And Mama kept pressuring me to learn because for some reason she didn't want to.

I don't know why but as the parent, if she wanted a car, she should have passed her test.

She knew if I had passed my test that I would be giving her lifts and picked her up when she wanted, which was fine.

But that didn't happen anyway. I didn't feel comfortable that I would be able to see properly even in the daytime.

What if my lenses fell out? What if my vision got blurry or they slid out of place?

I couldn't exactly pause to remove my lenses and re-insert them in traffic, could I?

There is no way I could drive with glasses because I only have a quarter of vision with them and at the sides, no sight at all.

I didn't mind taking the bus, except if it was really far or I had tons of shopping with me.

And the one thing I was adamant about was not getting into debt. I bought what I could afford.

She had this bad habit of relying on other people for lifts so it felt like, instead of taking a cab, we would be the last people there, begging for a lift, which was humiliating and tiring.

That was one of the reasons I just fought against socialising with family because it could never be a short visit, it was almost to the point where we overstayed our welcome.

Eventually I started taking cabs home or taking the bus early because it was draining to be in those gossipy, back-stabbing, judgy environments.

I think my point with all this, is that my sibling stole my Mama's credit card bought a car and in the whole of his life, has only given her a lift a handful of times.

I don't think she's ever said You owe me. He has never said I'm going to make it right and treat you with respect and show you care and consideration.

But instead of blaming him for being a thief and a user. She brought it back to me saying.

I really wish you had become a driver. You would have made my life so much easier.

SS - screwed up again right? She really can't do anything right and she is to blame because she only thinks of herself and is selfish to the core!!!!

One of the reasons I didn't want kids is because I thought I would be a bad parent, as mine sometimes were.

I know I am entitled to put my needs first because I can now. I deserve kind thoughts and actions because I was always deemed to be......... WRONG and heartless.

I wasn't self-centred before but I am now!

#BlogLife528 - Cornflakes or rice krispie treats?/Who is proud of you?

It's Friday afternoon and as you know I don't publish today as usually I am burnt out and it's no different at present.

I am mentally and physically drained and I just tried to have a nap as I'm chilly again and my head is pounding for some reason.

But it wouldn't take so I'm back up and the reason for the double title is I was thinking about snacks and then somehow my thoughts migrated elsewhere.

But I didn't want to change the title. If I had thought of it, I would have put on the cold eye gel mask I keep in the fridge but I forgot about it.

I'll probably ask for the newer one with the eye holes cut out because I hate not seeing. I don't like to interrupt the flow of productivity, unless I'm napping.

Oh shoot I keep forgetting to do the Iceland shop for tomorrow. Be right back.

That's done and I grabbed the eye mask from the fridge and my head has gone numb now, still a bit of pain but much less intense, which I am relieved about.

I remember winning it from a newspaper competition and how surprised and happy I was because it was useful and cute with eyelashes printed on it.

The coldness only lasts what seems like a few minutes but it helps with my eyes especially because the contact lenses can dry them out and make them tender.

I'm just going to leave it on my forehead like a headband. It looks like I have two sets of eyes ha!

Alright back to the title. Did you help your parents make fun desserts when you were lil?

I know my Mama had lots of recipe books but I think she used them as a guide and went with her instincts.

Her forte was usually savoury things, breads, rolls, cheese rolls, patties, pies etc.

Her cakes, biscuits and desserts were a bit hit and miss for some reason.

Maybe she over or under did the ingredients or left it to long or not enough in the oven? I'm not sure.

But I do remember being her lil helper, sometimes enthusiastically, other times begrudgingly.

As a girl it was expected to be responsible at a young age. I apparently babysat, did prep work and was useful in general.

And when I was browsing Ocado for munchies, I saw they had the chocolate cornflake snack and I loved that.

I'm pretty sure we used to make that at home but it was more the rice krispie one which wasn't as good.

I don't remember the hyper criticisms starting there. I know she was grateful for me to assist in the peeling, chopping, washing, that sort of thing.

But there was some name calling, there was a constant comparison to other children, who were smarter, slimmer, outgoing and popular.

There was never an acceptance of, Hmm, you're not like your parents or brothers, you're an individual who is quiet and curvy and has a healthy appetite.

I do recall my parents wanted me to be someone like them and not myself.

At that point I was seeking their approval and wanted them to be happy and proud of me because that's what I thought I needed to be content.

But it wasn't, I discovered through the bullying at home that I'm just me and that's perfectly adequate.

I don't need be their ideal vision because I was okay with stumbling and learning and trying to figure out, who I was going to become.

That was definitely one of the reasons I struggled with my self-esteem/depression because of that non-acceptance.

I kept trying to be better, whether it was starving myself, whether it was forcing myself to be sociable and around people that hated my guts and mocked me to my face and behind my back.

I persisted in all these attempts to be seen. What will always bother me is the girl vs boys distinction.

That no matter how badly the other 2 misbehaved, were disrespectful and broke the law, their status was elevated to a God-like reputation.

And I didn't understand that at all. Here was me, trying to be polite and co-operative and good and my parents were so disappointed in me.

Friends were disgusted, family thought I was laughable. I didn't consider myself fake.

I aspired to be the way everyone expected/wanted me to be. Even though I never achieved it.

I don't think my parents were ever proud of me and they probably won't be.

But that's fine because I don't need it anymore and I'm proud of myself for attempting to be tolerable and try their ways because it taught me, how to be authentic.

Through that I actually did find myself. I grew up and realised people were putting me in the shadows and trying to keep me down for their own ego.

And one by one I got rid of them because friendships are kind and supportive and nurturing, they are not mean and hurtful.

If no-one has uttered I am proud of you. Then I will say to you. For all the lil and big achievements.

I will pat you on the back and say Well done! I know what you are capable of and you have unlimited potential.

I hope that you see that and if not today, maybe in the future.

I am so proud of you :)

I don't know where this fits in and maybe it does not but something has been preying on my mind and I have to put it somewhere.

I recall a long time ago females especially visitors turning up and reading cards and there were words saying You're Mama is great, you're so lucky to have her, I feel close enough to call her my Mama too.

And at first I was territorial as though, Hey she belongs to me, not you, get your own parent.

However when I thought about it and matured. I thought, that's alright that she has gratitude shown and she's helped them and they have formed a bond.

But it also struck me that there is no way in hell, she showed them her mean side.

The bullying side, the critical side, the crushing self-esteem side of her, that she mostly projected onto me.

And I thought Hmmmmm. I wonder what they would think, if they knew what the other side of her was like?

To her own daughter, her own flesh and blood and I was never tempted to expose her.

That never crossed my mind at all. I just wished that she could have shown me that encouraging, empathetic, kind side of her.

She is not all bad. She can be supportive and sympathetic but the years of damage have been done and there is no way to fix that or make it better.

And I feel unburdened sharing that with you. That is the simple truth.

I was trying to grow up happy and then insecurity and my weight and my looks were hammered into me, that I didn't measure up.

I SS, was never good enough but I worked so hard to get back to my calm, confident peaceful place.

She has a nagging sister that judges her and she doesn't realise she does the same to me.

That's how it feels, decisions are wrong, thoughts are misguided, actions are not accepted.

Especially the anger, distrust and bitterness towards my siblings.

She can't let me have those emotions, even though I grew up petrified that I wouldn't survive.

Even though I was verbally abused every day. Even though they made me hate and torture myself.

I have every right to feel how I feel, even if she disagrees. They made me not want not to live anymore.

One last memory that keeps popping up is going clothes shopping with her and trying on a jacket or dress that was barely an inch too small.

But I needed it almost immediately so I didn't purchase it. The look of disappointment and resignation on her face though, was what killed me.

It was like, Ughhhhh really? Look at you. I'm stuck with an overweight daughter that has no self-control and can't make me proud of her, because she eats and eats.

Why couldn't I have her cousin instead, which is the one I really wanted.

She in comparison, is bright, self-assured, skinny, worldly, outgoing and has food discipline but no instead I get stuck with you.

What did I do to deserve you???

She didn't say any of the above but it was written all over her face.

I'm not exaggerating. I'm not being pessimistic. I'm just being transparent.

And you know how I can tell, she was thinking all of that? All I heard growing up, was why can't you be like your cousins???

In other words, why do you have to be you????

That is pretty cutting to hear. No wonder I didn't like myself.

#BlogLife527 - Illegal avocado order

Iceland had a whole bunch of noodles and I saw a brand called Koka which is unfamiliar.

It was beef flavour for 45p and it took about 8 minutes to cook and for the water to dissolve.

Still piping hot and there is a lil sachet and it's good enough for a meal.

I was going to cook some meatballs to go with it but I had some crackers and cheese as a starter and I don't feel like anything else.

I usually go with the chicken ones as they are the safe bet, I usually like those, anything else is hit or miss.

But for a change I went with the beef and it's really tasty. Thin to medium noodles, a lil salty and a good strong taste of beef.

It's Monday afternoon and I was hoping for a nap after I got in with a Mama and me day but my head was too awake.

It's been a really horrid and nice mixed day. I started off throwing up, my hair looked really cute today.

The new tops arrived in blue and red, lovely summery colours and I got my brows done first which was great as Mama was running late.

Then we both got the massagey pedicures £30 altogether for me. I feel really delicate and off but at the same time, not typically sick.

It's hard to explain but this headache is the worst, 4th day now I think, that it keeps coming and going and I don't know what the cause is.

I'm trying to rest, trying to keep hydrated enough. I do miss the naps but I just find it so difficult to achieve them in summer.

It's funny because I've got the eye gel mask resting on my forehead and when the courier came I was in my nightie with it on, must have looked strange ha.

I'm not sure it is helping but I'm keeping it on for a while longer.

The pedicure was great, she gave me the cream and the scrub massage but because all of me had stiffened up, the hardest part is trying to balance and put my socks on.

I really hate that part because it involves bending and gripping a chair and the pain is building with any movements so it's a relaxing experience for the most part but some elements are horribly awkward.

By the time we hopped on a bus to get to the cafe, I was shattered but really thirsty and peckish.

She decided to have scrambled eggs on toast and I was surprised they had an avocado option because a while back she said they stopped serving avocado.

This got me excited even though the headache was coming on and I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep.

Chronic exhaustion is like you are running on borrowed energy and these days even resting doesn't increase the stamina, once it's depleted that's it, done for the day.

But I wanted to sit and chat as both our birthdays are upcoming and I don't know if I'll make it down there, with Dic monopolising my time.

Oh an amusing thing is, we have similar tastes in a few tops and nighties, so a few of our outfits are quite alike and she has a youthful vigor so she can get away with anything really.

She had bought some cooling mists for me and I handed over the lipbalm, fabric scent booster and some curlers.

Oof taking big steps and walking seems to be a bad idea at the moment. As my body hasn't healed itself, it's still tender and in need of pure rest, which I wish I could give it.

I keep getting up for refills and I wanted a light snack but I couldn't see anything appealing so I'm cooking the other beef noodle sachet.

This is the Batchelor's one for a £1 and it's also beef as most things I get are chicken.

Their chicken version is superb actually. I just going to let the water evaporate and let it cool down as my appetite has disappeared again.

In the cafe I politely enquired if they could do a fried egg and avocado panini and she came out with the softest convoluted response ever.

My head was splitting apart at this point and I didn't want to think or work out what the hell she was trying to say.

From what I can gather, egg and toast is fine, avocado and toast are fine but a mixture of the two together is forbidden to put together.

If I wasn't so confused because I've now just worked out what she mean't, I would have laughed at her.

You would think it was an allergic reaction product, like shellfish or peanuts or I can't think of another one and I just shrugged and I think Mama just completed for me.

Paninis were a no-no but rolls or toast were acceptable. It was so ridiculous.

So it arrived dry with no butter or mayo or any sauces but I don't use butter anyway, the egg was on the side and a whole avocado was on the two wholemeal toasts.

Plus the tiniest 1 or 2 leaf salad but the saving grace was a lemon slice and I shared with Mama and offered her as much avocado as she wanted, as she loves it too.

The lemon juice which I would not have thought of adding, saved it from being bland.

Although the egg was lightly seasoned and when I put it all together, it was delicious..

I struggled with the heaviness of the fillings. I was bloated but peckish and I was a bit worried about being sick again.

But I had no energy and I was feeling increasingly worse so I took my time but ate the whole thing, (minus removing avocado chunks) and drunk a whole bottle of lucozade, which is unlike me.

I never finish the drink or the meal because in the back of my mind, I'm conscious of being perceived as an over-eater.

Even though it's a small to medium dish. It's something that never escapes my mind completely.

And I don't stop myself from munching, I automatically will not have those extreme hunger pangs, just mini ones that disappear after I start devouring a lil of the meal.

if I'm famished, my brain has told my stomach so many times, that's enough, after a few bites or nothing at all, in public places not to consume, that's it is a permanent fixture.

I run on auto-pilot and it's the same with not oversharing, my defences are up and it flashes a warning, if someone is asking too many personal questions...

Why do they need to know that? What will they do with that information?

Anyway, I'm home chilling out and the weather is mild so I'm going to put the heated blankie over me and if I drift off, that will be nice.

Maybe the noodles will settle me and writing this out, even though I have a few posts in my drafts that I was going to publish, will switch off my brain, enough to fall asleep.

If my body is knackered but my mind wants to talk, sleep never comes.

Oops two things, am trying the Batchelors which has the strongest scent but is bland to mild. I don't recommend it.

I'm really disappointed but I did put too much water maybe that is why.

The Koka is much nicer. I just wanted to do a quick comparison.

The other thing was the youngest abusive sibling has moved in with Mama for a month, instead of forking out for a hotel or crashing with friends.

Due to the fact he is leaving for good again to live abroad and we both hope he stays because she looked exasperated.

He's selfish and spoiled and has a nasty threatening temper so I told her, not to take any of his nonsense.

She is an early riser and he sleeps in and expects her to be all tiptoeing around her own damn house!!

I forgot to ask when he's leaving actually. I don't want to be there, if he's around.

I know I'm not supposed to say this but it's like an early birthday present.

I don't have to be afraid. I don't have to cower. I don't have to flee to safety.

So when I stay there, if there is anything Mama wants me to do for, then that's fine, if it's within my abilities, I will go ahead.

But he, it's like he considers himself a Lord that doesn't have to respect others or pay some kindness back and I've never gotten that.

Because Mama was saying she has an early Doctor or hospital appointment to take care of her skin or feet and the buses don't always run super early.

She said he has a car but will struggle on the bus, if need be. That angers me sooooo much.

You can't get your butt up to give her a lift when you're staying rent free?????

I don't drive so I can't do it. There's no kickback for him so it's not a consideration. No money, no favours, nothing.

But why should she have to bribe him for a small favour???

I doubt he would have the decency to say, I was not planning on getting up early, but if you need something I would be more than happy to accommodate you.

She would probably have to ask or more likely, she will wait and see if he offers.

She didn't say anything when I said he's an entitled spoilt brat but it made me inwardly smile when she said, after he'e gone, it will be done and she can relax.

I doubt he will stay away for good, he comes back to sponge for favours and cash too often.

Would be nice though. The first thing that popped into my head was a sibling-free Christmas.

No ego, no drama, no demands, no scariness or threats or violence.

Sheer bliss. If the other two moved off the face of the earth, I could breathe.