#BlogLife460 - Looking after myself feels good

I decided to open the Beauty Formulas charcoal clay mask even though the cucumber one isn't entirely finished.

I get too excited about new products. It has the same cooling effect, is in a black solid easy to apply form and seems to dry quickish.

This one you have to leave on for longer, 10-15 minutes, the other was 3-5 I think.

I'm trying to figure out the scent. Aniseed I think, some sort of minty concoction, it's okay, nothing really strong.

I prefer sweeter perfume or fruity scents but we'll see how it acts. This mask just seems a lil more solid and less runny.

I just did my face wash with the face brush and now I feel so refreshed, when this comes off, my skin is going to be like butter.

Ooh after 5 minutes it's really tight on the skin, I don't mind that, it's just a lil strange.

I think my face is actually softer than margarine. Considering how long it was on, (I can't recall how many minutes), it washed off really easily.

I completely thought the blue Ebay flannel had gotten lost in the post but it arrived today (25th).

I ordered it on the 16th and it was supposed to arrive 2 days later. I ended up getting a silver one from Ocado as it was on sale.

From £6 to £3. Holy moly, I'm not sure I realised that the Ocado one, isn't one long thick towel but it's 2 flannels, woop.

The blue one is Egyptian cotton, softer and a lil thick at £2.69, it would be gentle on my skin but I wish it was a more dense.

The grey one is just 100% cotton and genuinely heavy and thick but not really that soft but it was a great bargain from £6, to £3 and that included 2 flannels.

I would not have bought it at the normal price and if I could combine the silkiness and chunkyness of both of those, it would be perfect.

I tried out the grey Ocado thicker face cloth and it's a lil harsh on the skin, it's really not that gentle, so would be an issue if you were really scrubbing your skin with it, ouchy...

I also just tried out the Itsu chicken and spring onion gyoza, that is tasty, soft and enjoyable, it actually does taste of chicken.

The sauce just tastes of salt, so will not be dipping into that, yuckity. It's cute that it came with chopsticks but I can't use those.

It makes a great lil snack or appetiser.

I've been trying to get flannels since last year. I'm limited to where I can go because of the chronic pain and fatigue and nowhere seemed to have them.

I just wanted a small towel so that I could soak it in water and keep applying it to the lump which the height of it has disappeared..

But that's what Google recommended. I got to admit that the skin around it has darkened and does feel a bit rougher.

It's just not improving, not matter what I do. It constantly feels like it's still leaking, there's no real pain but I'm so aware of it.

Mama is an ex nurse so I thought I would get her advice but not be completely transparent, incase she freaked out or just hassled me to see a Doctor.

I fibbed and said it was near my armpit, just seemed easier. Her stressing, would have stressed me out.

She wasn't sure, just said try vaseline for the pain but I don't have any, will just keep using aloe vera and hope for the best..

Hmm I woke up to my eyes burning today, this can happen, when I rub them, or if they are tired or from wearing the hard contact lenses.

However I am also wondering if it is due to the mascara I tried on yesterday, I did wash my face several times but I don't know if all of it got removed.

I don't feel like doing another experiment today as I had to wash my face thoroughly and douse my eyes in drops, several times to get them to stop hurting.

But this is why I don't like mascara...... I'll let you know the next time I try it, if it burns the next day...

I was a bit pushed for time, so didn't get a chance to apply the mascara.

I might do it later on after I've eaten my salmon sushi and napped.

I had a lil panicky episode today when a dog owner just brazenly let their dog just come close and either lick my boots or sniff them and it freaked me out.

I have a pet phobia, dogs especially. I can't recall what brought it on. The next door neighbours had scary large dogs as did the local shop.

I don't know if I was chased or cornered but ever since then, it just alarms me and I avoid the side, where the dog is walking.

Because the owner wasn't doing anything I literally had to beg him to get his pet away from me because I would have started hyperventilating.

I could feel the unease getting worse and worse and he looked so surprised at my reaction but I don't care.

I'm just not an animal person, except sharks, love those creatures.

Now onto Dic. Today's appointment was 12pm, tomorrow's would have been at 3pm.

I thought to myself, girl you have a choice, which one do you prefer?

I figured the earlier one today would suit me better, less people and traffic and I would be home and able to relax for the rest of the day.

I got ready, missed the early bus so quickly did some makeup and left and arrived a minute or two early.

Oh oh oh. I forgot the best bit. Dic called while I was at the stop and I was so cheery as I said I'm on my way........

Due to the fact that I knew he wanted me to come tomorrow instead.

The disappointment in his voice was evident bahahaha!!! All he could say was Oh, umm ok then, see you soon.

It's a bloody cheek though that he would have cancelled, right when I was due to leave.

He could have texted, could have emailed to say, just a heads up, your appointment is actually on the Wednesday......

But Noooooo, that's what happens when you Dic around with me, you get inconvenienced!!!

Oh and just as I got home exhausted, Dic called me for whatever reason. I checked the emails just incase he left a message but nope!!

I saw his name and ignored him as usual. The meeting took 1 minute and that was it.

He had all the time in the world to add anything he wanted but nope has to hassle me, when I tried to relax??

Nope, your policy is you don't do phone meetings, my policy is I don't deal with Dics, more than is absolutely necessary!

Try respecting me and I may just do the same!

#BlogLife459 - From unseen to seen

I think I'm starting to realise that for a long time, I no longer wanted any attention foist on me when I went out.

I was too busy trying to keep calm and avoiding any triggery panic attacks to deal with men that followed me home or tried to approach me or made me feel super uncomfortable.

Maybe subconsciously that's why I sabotaged my weight loss journeys. It was a breath of fresh air to be completely ignored and not pursued.

Now I feel a lil different, having some focus on me is slightly more bearable but I still feel shaky and unsafe.

I do feel like I can mostly protect myself providing I'm not alone with a man so my healthy eating and exercise continue to proceed and I'm slowly slowly shrinking.

I'm embracing my femininity again which I neglected or disguised for a while.

Now it's brighter colours and makeup and just shopping more for feelgood items.

My box of goodies just arrived on the third day and as the Nutrigum vitamins seem to be doing me a lot of good, I decided to check out BodyCare's version.

It's Vitamin Store, skin hair and nails. There's 40 in a bottle, which is a weird amount lol and it cost £2.09 so I decided to buy 2 of them and will use it when the Nutrigums are done.

I just tried out the Technic clear mascara £1.39 with my hard contact lenses on. It did sting a lil bit and I did only do 1 or 2 coats.

I don't see any curl but neither is it smudging my lenses. I just did another coat and I don't know if I observed this or read about it..

But a see-saw side to side and then upward technique works a lot better and now there is a slight lift and it looks defined.

They feel very wet my lashes but not clumped or heavy. I know that my lashes never look false because they hardly ever curl but just to give myself a boost and especially when I'm wearing eyeshadow, I think they will look a lot nicer now.

I don't feel any irritation and although the dream colour would be brown or even a purple. Colours are out for me.

Ooh I did used to wear white, only on special occasions, mostly clubbing nights and they popped!!

On to the body mist Britney Spears Midnight Fantasy £8. Hmm I don't think it's a knock off actually, which surprises me because I would never buy it again.

At first the scent is bubble gum and then it's a fruity drink and now just reminds me of a slush puppy.

It's a very sweet perfume suitable for kids, definitely not for adults. Luckily I bought it for everyday use, it's not something I would wear to socialise with.

I much prefer floral scents. The description was this... Sour cherry and plum, freesia, orchid, vanilla, amber and musk.

Which sounded delightful but no, it isn't but live and learn. Next time I will pick probably another brand.

It's been a strange weekend, I started my period for the third time this month, arghhhh!!!!

It is ridiculous and now I feel the slight cramping, definite bloating and sugar cravings, plus the slight morning nausea.

I'm re-listening to the light period subliminals again because I'm fed up with not knowing if I had to wear something or not.

I just realised that Dic the moron has given me two appointments and once again, one of them is a Tuesday (tomorrow in fact).

I even saw him write down Tuesdays were bad for me and yet here we are.... The other one is this Wednesday.

I'm just going to turn up to tomorrow's one because I will get it over and done with.

Oh the lift is working now so less pain but more waiting around. Zzzz..

If I get a chance will apply the mascara and see if it burns my eyes again, the following morning.

Lastly a new story popped into my head and I couldn't resist writing some of it down.

I don't think this will be a blog/wattpad submission, if it comes out flirty..... I'm gonna post it somewhere else..

#BlogLife458 - I will never understand men...

I'm still in a brain fog, topics float in my head and then disappear, it's hard to write when nothing sticks.

Hence the delay, sorry about that but after a long rest and food, I think I can finally make sense of it.

My friend was just telling me he's having computer issues and another mutual friend is really good with those types of problems so I suggested he give him a shout and explain what's happening but he refused.

I'm not sure why he's making such a big deal of getting help, I'm no fan of it but if someone is friendly and approachable and willing to dive in and give his take, then why not seek it out?

He confessed he's been googling and checking youtube and forums for five days now.

I don't get it at all. I just pmmed our friend G and asked him to talk to the guy and offer some perspective.

I know how much computer issues stress me out because I know virtually nothing except anti virus and even that perplexes me.

Ha maybe it's a pride thing. I know we would all love to be able to solve our own problems but it's not always possible, at the very least having a sounding board can give you further insight.

G just got back to me and consented so that is that.

I spoke to P last night again, we don't even make plans to get together, I just log in and see if he's about and I guess he does the same.

Normally I think he eats dinner and then comes online but yesterday was different.

I wasn't bothered I just said take your time, I'll see you in an hour maybe and I was just re-watching Mike and Molly episodes.

Hmmm looking back on the show, for someone that thought she was sooooooo superior to everyone else, she sure was selfish and self righteous a lot.

Did her own thing and to hell with the consequences, a hard person to like.

But then some of that is like me, although I try to support other people when they clearly need it too.

Anyway P comes back in just over an hours time and gives me a strangers greeting.

I was gonna mess with him too. Then I just got all confused, why would he be saying good evening, instead of I'm back..

I put we need to talk, just to have a laugh and scare him a bit and he reacted strangely.

I followed up with, are you not him? He replied, I don't know who you're talking about.

I'm not him. I double checked his name and the thing with online is that there are dopplegangers everywhere.

People mistake for someone else frequently. I thought, either it is a different person.

Or he's playing a weird game or he just doesn't wanna talk and this is a strange way to end things.

I thought hmmmm. Let's try this tactic because I half laughed it off.

I just put that my apologies, I thought you were someone else and I have to go now because he doesn't like me talking to other men, ta ta lol.

I just left it, even though he put, I admire your loyalty. There was silence for 10 minutes and I thought if it carries on much more, I'm off.

(Eeek side note, I think G is peeved at me, he's not saying much.

I think he's a lil miffed that the only reason I pmmed him was to ask a favour and not chat to him, oh well lol).

The computer pings and I read his message. You win the mexican standoff lol.

That cracked me up because it's normally me who does these weird silly tests.

I still don't understand what the point was but from then onwards we chatted as normal until...

He mentioned that in the weekdays he swims every morning but because we've been chatting until 1/2am he hasn't had the energy to go this week.

I said listen, instead of talking tonight, have a day off and relax, get some rest.

I thought that was extremely nice of me. His reaction? Are you bored of me? Is there someone else lol.

Ha so with minimal reassurance he declined and stayed until 1am.

That is not my fault at all. I gave him an out!! I still have a few bits to do before I maybe see him later.

I have such a low appetite today. Hmm but I want dessert.

#BlogLife457 - I want to curl my lashes

I was hoping the one day period was over for the month but nope I started and stopped today too.

It can't make up it's mind, irritating. I don't feel sicky or crampy though, that helps, just freezing cold, sniffly and absolutely no energy at all.

I have been getting blocks of sleep and napping during the day which is immensely satisfying but it throws me off too as the day is half gone and I'm only being productive now.

I finally got to pay a bill that was overdue and I'm still waiting for the damn flannel to come. Yeesh. Fast postage my butt!!

Oh I saw P last night lol. The first thing he said before I even spoke was I'm so sorry I fell asleep last night haha.

I gave him a hard time because I think that's hurtful when you're speaking to someone for ages and then they just disappear without a word.

I cracked up though when he said he woke up clutching his phone and wondering why I was offline at 3am!!

Dope haha! The last message was at 2am, even though we both promised to have an early night but nope stayed talking for hours again.

It's been 4 days of consecutive conversations, that's nuts. Anyway now he knows to say goodnight before he dozes off :D

Ooh I finally completed the BodyCare order. I spoke to Mama to see if she wanted anything.

She's planning another trip somewhere with a friend. I can never remember she trots off globally so much ha.

She just wanted some sun protection cream and I bought her a bottle that wasn't on sale but I don't care.

I brought more of the Addiction Gold aftershave as a present. I bought another lip mask for me.

I realised that my Christmas perfume is now sadly finished so I needed another mist which works out soo much cheaper and lasts way longer than perfumes.

I saw a whole of body mists, they are probably knock offs which is fine with me, honestly as long as they smell nice.

They had a Rihanna and Sarah Jessica Parker but mostly it was littered with Britney Spears.

I have never tried any of the above, the mists I have seen are 237ml which is an odd number but cost £7 which is amazing.

You compare that to the 50ml or 100ml perfumes which cost maybe £30-£50 and there is big savings right there and I bargain hunt for everything.

I read the ingredients and some didn't appeal, coconut and some other scent which I hate.

I decided on the Britney fake Midnight Fantasy. I assume they are phoneys I don't know for sure honestly.

Then I picked up some lotion and more mouthwash, oh and the clear mascara.

I've seen men with naturally curlier lashes than mine, they do not curl.

I'm so jealous, all mascara clumps and doesn't curl that much. I've tried for sensitive eyes, contact lens friendly, the combs but it's a horror show.

They sting my eyes, they clump together, they barely curl and they muddy my lenses.

I used to go out in the evenings and walk around half blind because I could barely see with mascara stuck to my lenses and I was afraid to take them out and clean them incase they blew away.

I could never wear eyeliner, that always freaked me out anyway ha.

It's 2023 and maybe they have improved the formula by now as I haven't worn it in years.

I'm hoping it arrives before Monday but we'll see, I'll upload some pictures on Twitter and let you know how it performs.

#BlogLife456 - Dic-arama

Well finally I know the consequences of missing an appointment with Dic.

He knows Tuesdays are bad for me and yet made an appointment for (tomorrow/today) and this time I'll have to wait for his sorry ass as I didn't appear at the last one.

Either I can reschedule it for the morning and do a whole load of walking up and down, which I really don't fancy.

Or I can have one in the morning and have his in the afternoon, which means I'll be unsettled and unable to relax until after his is over and done with.

I suppose at least I'll get some rest in between but the pain is pretty unforgiving when I'm going out two days in a row, forget about twice in one day..

Meh nothing I can do and why is it when you're waiting for the Postie, he never shows??

I want to run to the kitchen and grab brekkie but if I do that I won't hear the buzzer!

My period is apparently done. I had it for one horrible day and that was it, unless it restarts this week, which can happen.

I remember when I was young and the cramping was so bad. I couldn't go anywhere because I was so uncomfortable and everyone was bragging that they lasted a few days and were done.

Mine was a weekish and heavy and now it is so much different. Although the sugar/chocolate craving is still there.

I'm getting hooked on those Belvita biscuity things.

I'm back from seeing a different Advocate let's call her and I hadn't seen the main one for a while so it was nice to update her on my progress.

She always manages to make me laugh on the Dic antics, she told me she's making an official record of his behaviour and that I should enforce the chair rule and tell him I'd be happy to wait as long as possible.

I don't think any of these people understand chronic pain. That it doesn't just float here and disappear, it builds and builds and get's unbearable.

Five minutes is all it takes, so waiting endlessly, is not an option. She kinda didn't say that not waiting is a viable option.

But I have a sneaky idea. From now on as soon as I get off the bus, I'll just tell him I'm here and maybe by the time I walk there, his ass will finally be downstairs to meet me.

I'm not seeing him until 2.30pm so I think I'll try and nap as I only got a few hours sleep.

A new random P has been keeping me company and it's been a few hours every night, except yesterday we chatted until 2am, which was silly.

I think he fell asleep as he stopped responding or maybe he lost connection or didn't want to talk.

I don't know, will see what he says if he shows tonight. Oh this ones name is P, I thought it was D but nope, it's P lol.

He seems nice but they all do in the beginning. He hasn't pressured me to divulge anything and he doesn't seem needy or insecure.

He's quite funny too which is helping to keep my mind busy and away from the health scare, which is not improving.

No time for makeup and I've put curlers in so I'll do the rest later.

Walking about, my legs felt like lead. Any moment I thought they were going to stop and I've had to reach down and pick them up.

It was also a dry heaving nauseated morning but no cramps at least. 

I'll update this post if I need to vent, if Dic annoys me. Oh and Pro tip don't admit you want to smash someone's face in, out loud.

Keep that violence internal :)

#BlogLife455 - Sunny skies, cloudy mind

Song of the day - Ayo Jay - Paranoia

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9vuijiPSPiQ&list=PL_S79tzxwHpMo1XkffIMkU_fN8bVfIRms

Afternoony all. How is your day going? How was your weekend? Did you veg out, do lots of interesting activities?

I'm just trying to remember to take the daily multivitamins I bought, I keep them next to the microwave and somehow that jogs my memory.

The hair ones tasted much better, these women vitality ones, smell just a lil bad, the usual kind of bottle scent.

The taste is also a lil less pleasant, a bit slightly tart. I've actually seen some at BodyCareOnline and I'm just preparing to do another shop there.

I'm running low on creams, Cath Kidston is almost empty, the Derma v10 is finished. As is the Beauty Formulas.

The technic lip mask is probably halfway or lil less than and I'm definitely getting more of that.

Oh an update, Mama was kinda vague but apparently one of the products I bought for my sibling went down famously, he loved it so she suggested I buy more.

Normally I wouldn't care but as the price is ridiculously cheap, I'll get two more and save it for Christmas.

I'm guessing it was the Addiction Gold aftershave. It was just this everyday scent, nothing fancy.

I think it had this bakery, cinnamon scent which I assumed he would hate but actually he adores it and it was £1.59 for 50ml bahahaha!!!

Hilarious, I never spend much on him anyway. I usually save and treat my mama to whatever she most wants.

I'm gonna get a face mask, vitamins, creams and I might get a lipgloss or 2.

Ugh I hate when they don't let you pick a shade but pick for you, who the hell wants that??

It is surprisingly sunny today but freezing cold at the same time.

I put the heating on first thing or thought I did and was wondering if it had broken down....

Checked the display...... I didn't set it high enough, so it was not even on grrr.

I've had the blankie over me but been shivering. Over the weekend I started my period so just feeling extra extra cold at the moment.

I only came on one day but I feel bloated and well no cramps, minimal dry heaving.

The lump now looks like a shark bite. One minute I think it's healing and the next, just looks worse.

It's consuming me and I can't think about anything else. It's stopped bleeding I think.

The pain comes and goes if I graze it. I feel like the vitamins are starting to make a difference.

I feel less tired but at the same time, thoroughly run down. If I don't nap daily, I feel like a walking basket case.

I have this nagging dry cough that also is here one second and gone the next. I did notice that my nails are growing really fast.

I just spotted some clear mascara. I might try it, even if that sticks to my lenses, at least it's see through.

Maybe I'll do a dry run at home and see if it's wearable.. I was just pondering, the one thing about short hair, is that in the summer it won't be stifling my neck, I'll actually get some breeze.

#BlogLife454 - Youtube hates me

Song of the day - Ace of Base - Cruel Summer 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZogE9W55heE&list=WL&index=32

I haven't heard that song since I was lil. I was looking All That She Wants and they had the recommended songs on the right.

I was thinking hmmm, do I know it? I've forgotten half the songs I used to on my tiny hifi, waiting until they came on the radio so I could sneakily copy it onto my leaky tdk cassette tapes.

I did buy some albums but if I brought everything I would be broke and unable to pay any bills.

What do you do when you've run out of rolls, well burnt/charcoaled the last two?

First I created hottisants, hotdog croissants and now it's time for yosties

Yorkshire pudding toasties. I just use them like bread and put the filling in between.

You gotta get creative when there is slim pickings indoors. 

I'm not even sure how long I've been waiting for the new android 13 update for the new phone (nord ce2 lite 5g).

India got it October - December time and today a pop up finally said you can upgrade and it took a whole hour. Yeesh.

I only really care about battery life but this phone is too new to get any real benefits from that yet.

Hmm reading the lil blurb, I see you can more easily customise app appearances on the screen, maybe the text icon is now changeable..

There was also something about setting a limit to background apps to increase battery life..

Yesterday I was watching a foodie video as usual and I noticed that when this couple was dining in, they were not served with plates but paper.

It was only a sandwich but I had never seen that before. I don't think here in the UK that would be acceptable.

£9 I think it translated to for a chunky meat sandwich with fries imbedded in between it.

It seemed overpriced to me and I thought that was tacky. It's like the restaurant is saying, here eat it and get lost.

We can't be bothered to serve you properly or do any washing up so this is a no frills place.

Not surprising the place was empty!! My comment was..

For that price, I would want a plate so that everything didn't stick to the paper and I could enjoy the experience of dining in.

I think it's pretty hilarious that it escalated and I got so much hate for it.

I normally avoid confrontation but I guess with all the worrying I'm doing, maybe I was seeking a fight.

I don't feel remorseful, everybody is entitled to a simple opinion and I'm not saying I'm right and they are wrong but I stand by it.

I got called a snob and told it is a common thing abroad, probably in America and Canada.

I just think if you are paying extra fees for sitting and being catered for, you deserve the whole VIP treatment.

Anyway it got silly so I stopped responding, some people just look to ensnare you into their dull nonsense and I just wanted to have my say and that was it.

#BlogLife453 - Scrabble threesomes

I'm on an Ayo Jay binge at the moment...

Song of the day - Ayo Jay - Want You

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WNvcMJQW3Hs&list=FLI0DEk_aDykRP0sJnme-JBg&index=1

The saving grace of yesterday was playing scrabble, my friend wanted to do a multi game with a mutual acquaintance so I set it up.

We have our individual side games, random games and now multi.

I'm not sure of the maximum amount, maybe four.

Oh I changed my ScrabbleGo name from MzHateSmallWords to MzLooneySlews. Ha.

Hell must have froze over as Dic was actually sympathetic and didn't give me a hard time.

He'll probably still send me an appointment for thus week but he'll be disappointed as I explained,  the bus diversion lasts until the following week.

I didn't feel the pain until after I had settled back home.

My feet were throbbing, my hands started locking up and my back was painfully spasming.

I didn't nap, it was too warm to have the blankie over me and I felt a bit stressed and wired. 

I've now holed up in bed at 11pmish as I'm depleted.

The lump is much smaller but still there, sometimes it hurts, other times it's fine. It just looks really bruised and will definitely scar.

I really just want to erase everything from my mind and try to relax but it's difficult. 

When I say I'll force myself to eat. I mean I won't shovel food down.

I'll pick something that I really find appetising and have some of it and see if I start to feel hungry naturally.

That usually triggers it. I practice the philosophy of, eat when hungry, stop when full.

But I also stop eating and drinking after 8pm and I don't want to eat too late as it doesn't digest before bedtime.

All these lil tricks and tips seem to aid the weightloss. Sometimes I'll cheat but usually when I eat well at lunch/dinner times I don't feel hungry.

I didn't do anything productive yesterday so I have some catching up to do but I'm already yawning.

I did sleep mostly well but anxiety and having a long day yesterday has completely drained me.

#BlogLife452 - Fuck Valentine's Day!!

Happy Valentine's Day to those that are celebrating and those that are not.

You know I was even contemplating treating myself to a pedicure and eyebrow shape but lil did I know how the day would unfold..

Hair looked great, both sides flicked up, needed to pin it back because the front was a bit a crazy but if you pull out two lil wavy strands, it saves the hairdo.

Went with the pink lippy, it's not bad, nothing special but my eyes looked cool.

I don't know how I don't notice these other colours but I love this palette.

No idea where I got it from but I never noticed the red shade before.

I always two tone, so I did this medium red sweep first and then an arch with a light pink and it didn't fade away, looked cute.

I also wore this light red jumper top but it's pretty warm today.

One of the randoms called me on a private number and then tried to pretend it wasn't him.

Crikey they make me laugh. Pro tip, if you're trying to maintain anonymity, don't follow up with a text revealing your number..

Kinda gives the game away Sparky.. I have no idea which lunatic it was.

I don't answer private numbers unless I'm expecting a call. Then he texted asking if I was alright, then it was some random girl's name.

You wouldn't have witheld your number if you were calling a new girl dumbass. 

You knew I wouldn't pick up and that's how you outed yourself!!!

Anyway back to my day. I slept alright the pain is still there but I half woke up and noticed a lot of moisture.

I thought great it's dissolving and the pain and lump will be gone soon.

Hmm. When I woke up properly and put my lenses in, firstly I've never had a lump leak, they just disappear.

Secondly this was leaking half the night and it was blood. I've never experienced that before either.

It's actually still going and I don't exactly want to stop it as, it's supposed to empty right?

Putting on a bra stung like crazy. After I had shower/bathed I cleaned it up and kinda wanted to leave it clean.

I'm not sure if I should apply aloe vera or just leave it until it's empty, re-clean it and then add it.

This is all new to me. I did Google it and sometimes bleeding does occur in some cases and it's not necessarily an alarming thing.

I'm still worried I guess. Not enough to see a Doctor but it's on my mind so much so that yesterday I burnt my breakfast.

I hope your day is going a lot smoother. I was supposed to have a meeting with Dic.

I set off as normal and then the driver when I was halfway said, Oh by the way we are on diversion.

Arghhhhh!!! I don't understand how some buses are just driving normally and some are not.

I got stranded halfway and had to walk quite a far way to get to him.

I'm actually proud that I did it in 30 minutes. I wasn't sweating or too breathless or in pain but I was nauseated, dizzy and my legs were crumbling.

I so wanted to rest but I am a responsible person so if I have to be somewhere, I'll show up.

I finally got there and did the fool answer? Did reception answer? Nopeeee.

I just left, wondered how the hell I would get home and realised that he's gonna demand another appointment this week.

But he can go fuck himself because the buses aren't normal until next week, which is what I included in the email, minus the cursing.

I'm exhausted and the weird thing was, even though it was warm, I couldn't bring myself to open my jacket.

It's like everyone could see the lump, obviously they couldn't but I feel really weird.

Hmm just changed, I leaked through the bra, maybe tshirt too. I don't really have an appetite but I'm gonna force myself to eat a bit.

I need to rehydrate and have something in my tummy. Then hopefully I can nap and ignore DicTwit!

Much easier to just leave my phone off. I'm sorry that I couldn't write something more fun for the day. I'm just stressed.

Take care and hopefully there will be a better post tomorrow or the next day..

#BlogLife451 - I found a lump

I wasn't sure I wanted to share this but before I blinked the whole post seemed to be written out.

I guess I've realised that in order to stop stewing about something I have to release it, plus it will just come out in a public way if I don't so here goes..

Yesterday (Thursday) I found a bottle-top sized lump on my right breast, now this isn't uncommon. I seem to get them a few times a year but usually they aren't painful.

It's just really awkward and uncomfortable wearing a bra while it is prominent.

This one is on the side and more enlarged than usual and tender.

I didn't sleep very well and am not freaking out but I did Google breast cancer symptoms, you know just to put my mind at ease.

I don't have any of the symptoms like flaky skin, painful nipples, redness or any thickness in that area.

It usually goes down on it's own but because this is in the wrong area, it's constantly being pressed upon.

I don't visit doctors or take medication, I will usually try to figure out a natural solution because I don't need the stress of dealing with rude, dismissive doctors and explaining the traumatic events over and over that leave me a wreck.

One piece of advice was to use aloe vera and I have a tube of that so I applied it this morning and the pain is mostly gone except when I touch it.

The other thing was to apply a warm flannel to the area and that would help dissolve the fluids.

I haven't done that yet, I will see how the aloe performs for a while.

Obviously do not do what I do, seek out a professional if you have fears and be safe, rather than sorry.

If it turns out I did have something else killing my body. I'm not sure I would be in a rush to treat it.

At one point I never thought I would get away from hospitals and after care and needles and tests and being poked and prodded and asked intrusive, heartless questions that got me so depressed and petrified.

It is so tough and I'm picking myself up, each time I fall. I'm really just exhausted though.

It's been nearly 20yrs of being sick, almost half my life. I'm so limited to what I can do.

It's so challenging to have the strength to be mentally resilient as well as physically.

Who do I talk to about these feelings? Who really cares? Who actually listens?

The aloe vera was a temporary band aid and the heat did nothing, the pain and size is still there and I'm just self conscious and irritated.

It's now Monday morning and it's still the same pain as before. I can't tell if it's gone down or not.

Tomorrow I have to see Dic and I'm just barely keeping it together.

I've decided that I'm going to enforce a waiting time limit. 5 minutes from the moment I arrive.

He's just taking the wotsit and as I stated before, being ignored is a huge trigger for me.

If I lash out and say, you're ignoring my presence and calls, he's going to reply with, you're dismissing mine.

I was wondering what to respond with, until I realised I can say there's no point.

He refuses to do phone meetings anymore which would have been beneficial so why bother taking his calls??

He has to answer mine, as I'm doing my part and showing up and he needs to come down the stairs.

Although again, why would he not just wait downstairs?? Because he's an ass that's why!

#BlogLife450 - Multi faceted fem

Song of the day -  Ayo Jay - Show You A Good Time

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O1nXRwTSYmk&list=PL_S79tzxwHpMo1XkffIMkU_fN8bVfIRms&index=2

Afternoony, well it's been a while since I did a Song of the day, so let's party together as we write/read this composition.

Nutrigums sent me an offer and I compared it to the Perfectil which has just shot up in price pffft.

I hate that they are sooo pricey but I didn't have a nauseated reaction to Nutrigums and I want to give them a shot, so I ordered a 2 month supply, 1 bottle and that was half price.

At £6.50, I mean £3.25 each month, hmm, not cheap but reasonable ish I guess.

I think the month of Nutrigums I got free plus the hairfall shampoo helped a lil with energy and with my hair, it seemed fuller and contained less breakage than normal.

I am just going to see how it goes in that 2 months and if I get more offers, I may keep going, I'll see down the line.

I'm not keen on the postage cost of £3 but it is tracked I think, hence the high fee.

The last time, there was only a few choices because it was a freebie, now browsing the site has a whole host.

I wanted something targeted to women as a multi vitamin and there was one that also contained probiotics, which I've never seen bundled together.

That helps the stomach and mine flip flops so I think that would be a great addition.

I'm surprised it doesn't contain iron, seems a bit unusual, unless it's spliced in with something else? Doubt it though.

The blurb says it's a vitality boost for energy, skin, eyes, gut, immunity, vision and bones.

I definitely need an energy boost, my skin could do with clearing up.

My vision has always been poor and my tum has been extra sensitive. 

I guess it just won't do anything for my hair but I have the shampoo for that.

I'm going to attempt to pull myself together, I feel a lil scattered at present and the writer's block is just pulling me in all directions.

I'm going to stop fighting my instincts to what I feel I ought to work on and go with that I want to finish.

The next day I received a confirmation that it was posted via Royal Mail and I was given then tracking number.

It's a two day service so as it is the weekend, probably arrive maybe Monday or Tuesday hopefully.

#BlogLife449 - Dic & Tired (half fiction)

He stood there scowling tapping his foot impatiently.

His face a picture of barely concealed rage.

His eyes almost flashed yellow in a demonic fashion.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? I smiled triumphantly that for once he was left humiliated.

My grin spread wider and still I didn't utter a word.

He stepped closer his eyes searing through my retina's, trying to intimidate me.

But I was beyond feeling frail. The molten lava of contempt I felt for him kept me rock solid and I met his gaze with a silent challenge.

That said, try me, push me one step closer to the edge and see what happens.

He blinked, cleared his throat, mumbled an apology and said It won't happen again.

I nodded, stepped back with my right leg and then brought it forward with high speed to land smack in his alarmed face.

Then I let my disgust for him unravel on my face and raised my eyebrow mockingly, turned on my heels and left him bewildered and deeply afraid of my next action at our next meeting.

I have just let out a calming exhale. Obviously the above didn't happen, him apologise, pffffft, yeah right, did hell freeze over??

As usual I am referring to Dic who again completely ignored multiple calls from me, nobody answered reception even though there was a room full of people there.

I can feel that I'm going through PMT because I just felt extra peeved. I mean just scary, murderous anger building up.

I even heard someone that passed by me, saying someone's waiting for you downstairs and she seems really impatient.

He just ignored all of it and then eventually strolled down calmly and took the meeting.

My face was a sight to behold but I kept it in check. No pleasantries but no outbursts either, I'm picking my battles but I can't wait to report it to his colleagues.

Fun, fun, fun, his reputation is going to mud.

Alright enough of him, I'm thinking about returning to my multi vitamins intake, the only one that works for me is Perfectil but I did recently try out Nutrigums as I had a free sample.

It was only a month so it's hard to tell if it had any effects. They do have some special offers going so I'll see which is cheaper

#BlogLife448 - Untold stories

I thought I would add some updates. I really do like the scent of the Cath Kidston cream but I definitely would not go out of my way to get it.

Too overpriced and it only lasts a few hours. My elbows didn't feel super moisturised and I needed a top up every few hours.

I was trying to make it so that both sides of my hair were evenly flipped and it worked a lil too well.

My hair looked like it was aeroplane wings that were taking off ha.

It was such a weird outcome, I am not doing that again. I will just go back to randomly placing the curlers and hope for the best.

The other product, I don't think I snapped any images was the Radox bath soak, the red version which I had never seen before.

Dang looking at the website, there's even a pink one too. Anyway this is the ginseng and black pepper type and I wasn't sure what it would smell like.

To be honest I saw the shade and was all kinds of excited. I think I forgot to read the fragrances.

I prefer these over traditional shower gels as they are extremely hydrating to dry skin, plus tend to smell more natural and stay on the skin.

This one smells flowery and to be my utter amazement, really reminds me of my Christmas perfume because it just has this musky quality.

I adore it and will definitely have to stock up on it at Ocado. Most of my skin feels soft but I would say my hands and elbows are dry.

Oh I had a weird nightmare where I must have woken suddenly as I literally could feel the pain of someone hurting my leg and it was throbbing.

That is sooo weird but it has happened before. My brain is sluggishly trying to wake up and realise that, it's not real, it's just a dream.

I feel because I am so creative that the dream-like emotions spill over.

For the past few days I've been plagued by this story that I'm not going to write, it just feels to similar to what I'm working on.

My mind is craving something fresh and as I was going through an upsetting event in the plot, I felt so sad haha.

I'm telling myself it's just fiction but I started to feel like it was happening to me, as though I was going through it and having to deal with it.

I don't want to share the details in case I add it on to an existing story but it's nuts how some tales, move me.

When I'm writing these scenes for the future. I am going to try and tap into it, to make it more authentic.

Are you supposed to be detached when you compose or should you feel it burning inside of you?

I have no idea, all I realise is that my dreams have always had a genuine quality to them.

It's difficult to flip back to real life in seconds, it takes time.

Oh I forgot to add, I had some strange mail today. My gas/electric company EDF said, I hadn't paid my bills.

I called up to query this as my direct debit is set up to automatically pay them and I've looked at statements, the money is going out.

The representative was not at all reassuring. She just said, yea there is an outstanding debt, when are you going to pay it?

I was confused and said there should not be any amount overdue as I pay monthly, then she apologised and said Alright I'll make a note, sorry if you got any scary letters.

But shouldn't they know I pay it via my bank, already???? They have made errors before but I don't feel relaxed, I feel stressed.

I may call up in March or in a few weeks to see if there is anything still owed. Seems weird to me though.

What did make me laugh was an automated voice saying, you should get a smart meter and in the next minute, oh are meters are on the fritz, we are looking into it, bahahaha!!!

Screw your meters, excessively high bills to customers, no thanks. I love my value tariff, much much cheaper.

#BlogLife447 - Taste a memory

Oaty type biscuits are one of my favourite snacks to eat but sometimes I find them on the dry side.

Something which caught my eye in Iceland was the Gullon Vital Grain chocolate oat biscuits that were new.

It was £1.15 and it says 5 in a box but when I opened one silver packet to take some images for Twitter it contained 2.

They are small and thin but very crunchy and oaty and there is a really tiny slither of chocolate between them.

It is a tad bit dry but what hit me is that it immediately reminded me of something else and I cannot recall what the other thing is.

It will drive me nuts. It is genuinely tasty. I wouldn't say it was filling but when you crave a small snack, it will do nicely.

I had half of one, just to try it and it hit the spot for me. The price is phenomenal for the amount you get.

It's essentially 10, unless they made a mistake with the first packet.

It almost reminds me of a wafer. I'll add to this post when I figure out what it was inspired by.

Alright I just worked it out, it's a cornetto, you know the bottom bit with the chunk of chocolate, surrounded by the crispy wafer, that's what it seems like to me.

I remember that on hot summer days, I used to walk the five minutes up the road to the off-licence store and browse the icy freezer section.

I dabbled between a few. The extra long ice poles. Feast lolly, as it was nuts and chocolate.

Viennetta log or the ice cream with the chewing gum ball at the bottom (I don't know what they are called.

That was back when I was into ice cream. Magnums also but predominantly it was cornettos.

I do remember being excited for the ice cream van that lingered around and as a family we would all get the 99p cones with the huge flake in the middle.

I didn't even like plain concentrated chocolate but there was something heady about chocolate and ice cream mixed together that was sublime on the taste buds.

Ugh I really need to get another eyebrow shape done as soon as possible. Maybe a pedicure too.

#BlogLife446 - Faux Thursday

I don't post on Friday's anymore but as I didn't publish anything yesterday I am bending my own rules and pretending today is Thursday.

Why did I neglect you all yesterday? It was nothing exciting that happened, I wasn't inundated with parcels, there wasn't a ton of unboxing, I didn't have any meetings to attend.

Quite simply I was just devoid of all energy. I slept a bit in the night but I kept waking up but not opening my eyes.

It was quite disruptive to the flow of sleep. I eventually scrambled out of bed at about 10/11am, although that was a big struggle.

I had some delicious soft rolls. the last of them actually, I'll do another shop at the weekend for Iceland or Ocado as my snacks are done too.

Then I just found myself watching something and feeling that sometime soon I would nap, nothing unusual there.

Except the more I slept, the less rested I felt. I wasn't poorly or stiff, I was just drained.

I wanted to write something but there were snippets of thoughts that passed by that didn't have enough material to them.

Dic brought forth next week's meeting to today (Friday) and I was hoping for peace but I'll just go in the morning and ignore his call to check up on me and finish it quickly.

I did watch the first episode of Velma, she was always my favourite, as an oddball outcast, who was snarky.

I like Mindy Kaling as well but I don't see why they had to completely just change the characters, it ruined it for me.

As though it was trying to be clever and edgy and it failed miserably.

I kinda wish they had brought her in as Velma's sister, doppelganger, new bestie or something like that.

They turned Fred into a big baby. Shaggy from a food lover into a workaholic.

Daphne was always shallow and that hasn't changed. Scooby didn't make the cut for whatever reason, I can live with that but he made it more humorous and softer.

I also got into The Secret Life Of Amy Bensen. I'm waiting for episode 6 to air.

It's about a mystery girl on the run and she accidentally or purposely meets a rich guy who is all kinds of obsessive/possessive controlling.

It's interesting because I don't know if he's a good or bad guy but he's way over the top.

I manage to keep the stress at bay, when I'm binge watching a show so I try to watch something old or new, just to relax me and switch off for a while.

I have a head full of curlers at the moment and my sushi is on it's way, I'm getting addicted to that stuff.

Apparently it's the sauces that make it somewhat unhealthy and I don't tend to use those anyway.

I did try out the purple lip gloss, sadly although it does suit me. It's not what I was hoping for.

Making on caucasians it's darker but on me, it just seems more red, than plum purple and that's just standard, that's not remotely different or outstanding.

Dic called me twice to check up on me and I ignored both his calls bahaha.

When I got there to inform him I was there, the idiot didn't pick up but he was standing right next to the receptionist.

So basically the petty idiot, just blatantly refused to take my call and I rolled my eyes and dialled the reception to let him know I was downstairs and then he took the phone and said great.

I wait for him to come down and then he says, oh I have to go up and come down again.

Why the hell don't you just get everything and hand it over, twit!!! But at least it's over and I'm home, exhausted, stiff, famished but home.