#BlogLife526 - How do know when you're finished writing?

3-5 is probably the most posts that I've ever had lined up to publish as drafts.

Some feel done, I'm happy with the length, content and I feel like the subject is closed.

Other times I will start it off and conclude that part and leave it for later because I have nothing else to add on.

In the mornings usually my brain is chattering away and biding it's time until I switch on the laptop and relay it.

A few times I will think, alright I've said it all, it feels complete and I can move on to another project.

Then during this pause, it feels like my brain is tapping my shoulder and saying, wait a minute, there's more....

And then it resumes talking and then I'm thinking shoot, I'm in the kitchen, I'm grabbing a snack or a refill and when I'm back, I had every intention of publishing today's ramble but now I can't.

The exception is, if I feel it's wrapped up neatly and it's long, then I might split it into a new post and carry on.

I do have to battle the lethargy, which means all of me is exhausted and I can't focus because all I want to do is rest, not think.

Plus I need to be able to organise efficiently my time because I don't want to be stuck writing all day, I have other things to do.

I skim read it afterwards and that's why there are times when I miss some obvious corrections because my mind is already on the next task.

Very few times I will remove a paragraph but I might stop myself from making an addition if I don't think it's relevant.

I might save it for the next post. Blogging can be messy with thoughts scattered here and there, I don't think it's perfect.

It can look pretty and edited professionally, however it doesn't have to be accurate all the time because it's subjective.

You might agree or disagree with a particular sentence and that's great, we're all different.

Or it can be muddled as long as there is a distinctive voice coming out of it, that you understand and makes you passionate to hear more.

Other times it will come up short and several breaks later, obscure thoughts will drift in..

Did I remember to talk abut this? Have I added the follow up information?

If my mind is totally blank, then I might close the page and cast it aside for a while and think, maybe there won't be a post today because nothing is coming together.

Trust your gut because you can always change it later.

As for composing fiction that's a lot harder. Lately I feel like I have to be totally de-stressed and empty of obligations before I can concentrate.

In the past I've written pages and pages until I can't see straight anymore and have to pass out.

But nowadays I have to be in this calm zone and will write in small pieces until I feel empty and then I'll stop, take a breather and probably nap.

Then when I'm alert and my mind is sharper I move on to something more pressing.

I don't usually get back to fiction later that day because the mood has passed and I can't get that enthusiasm back.

The temperature has dropped significantly and today was the first day in ages that I put on the heated blankie because my back keeps paining me and I thought I would nap but I've been working on this post all day.

#BlogLife525 - Big vs lil voice

I had a late start this morning because I woke up randomly at 6amish and it felt like I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep.

This weather continues to be unpredictable as I was shivering and had to hop into my thick duvet which was so comforting.

It's so much nicer to be tucked in and get into a sleepy comfy position and then drift off, rather than being on top of the covers and feeling out of place.

Eventually I did and then was woken up by the foolish neighbours at 8amish and then again fell back asleep until 12pmish.

Then I had breakfast/lunch and ended up listening to some Youtubey podcasts.

Even if I have it running in the background, I'm more visual and every so often I like switching tabs and looking as they tell personal or funny stories.

I've listened/watched some of Mayim Bialik's ones which are both serious and lighthearted and really long, probably an hourish each.

Then Melissa Joan Hart has one that's more on the lighthearted scale but still compelling.

I guess with these it's easier to stop them and carry on with other things as opposed to watching a movie/show and getting hooked on the story and not wanting to pause it.

There are times when I feel all my posts should be grand and serious about whatever topic is consuming me so that it's more interesting to read and follow.

But then that would sap my energy completely and my mood and it would take me some time to recover from that.

I'm glad I mix in the serious and the playful in my posts.

I've just tasted the J20 Orange and Passionfruit lollies at 3x£2.50 or 2 boxes for £4.

I've tried the drink and I love it but I didn't realise these have a slightly bitter coating and underneath is icecream.

I just assumed it was pure lolly, that seems to be hard to find. Ice cream is fine, I just am trying to be somewhat healthier and consume slightly less calories.

It's nice, if you can get past the tanginess but pure orange is a much better flavour, which sadly Iceland doesn't have.

I suppose I could look at Ocado, nope they don't have it either. Although I did see a pistachio chocolate lolly, lush.

Which reminded me of the limited edition lassi mango lollies, which didn't taste like mango and then pistachio which was scrumptious.

That I have never seen anywhere since then.

Ahh yes the next day from using the Himalaya face wash, for once my face didn't feel really oily.

It's just moisturised, soft, clearing up and the pimples are fading.

Getting back to the title I was thinking about how in my head I seem to be prepping for some battle that rarely happens.

I am both outspoken and reserved. I guess it depends who is pushing my buttons and if I am invested in whatever conflict is arising.

I don't want to fight all the time or take every lil thing personally, sometimes I want to shrug it off and laugh.

With family, I guess I will pick and choose. Friends I think for the most part, I let things slide and then resented the hell out of them afterwards.

I think back then, not only did I not know how to articulate my thoughts but possibly I thought the friendship would not withstand truth hurts....

And even though these one-sided friendships for the most part were unsupportive, I guess I needed them to vent in my own small way.

Until I didn't anymore and realised I had my own back and could and would be there for myself in whatever capacity I needed, instead of getting nothing in return.

I think the fact that I was always shut down from expressing myself and my needs put me off to an extent where I stopped sharing anything with anyone and kept it bottled deep inside.

I probably did share this before but as it crossed my mind recently, I'll go into it again.

At a time where I was a lost outsider who didn't have many friends and didn't have anyone to lean on and was quite depressed but also an expert at hiding it or not displaying all of it...

My teacher at Church I bonded with him after the other one left and he kept pushing me for answers as to what was going on and how I was feeling...

R his name was and I remember thinking on one hand, how nice it would be to be understood and heard and for someone to care.

And he seemed a decent jovial, optimistic sort but also thoughtful.

When I finally consented, my age was probably 14yrs-16yrs. I'm not sure whose idea it was to do it in the form of a letter.

Talking was really difficult but writing was almost an automatic, uncensored explanation of my feelings.

I can't remember what I said in this 1 or 2 page letter but I know it was something like.....

I don't know where or if I have a place in this world. Nobody gets me, I struggle with everything, school, communicating, people, family, my home life.

Is it me? Am I the problem? Am I too weird? Am I not making the effort, to do the right thing, say the right thing, conform, ignore the criticisms?

I don't know how to toughen up. I don't know how to get to know myself or figure out how to be happy.

I am just aimlessly drifting and I have no talent, no identity. I'm not good at anything and I don't seem to make anyone, including myself happy.

What is wrong with me? 

(I wasn't even intending this post to be thought-provoking but here we are, my brain is random).

I think I was pacing back and forth, should I give it to him, did it make me sound like an idiot?

But I also know that as hard as it was to write it, well probably not compose it but to read it back..

It was also a relief to unburden all these ideas in my head that circled and didn't get let out.

I was probably shaking or maybe I was eerily calm but my face was red I guess as I handed it over and said something flippant..

You wanted an insight into me, here it is, don't say I didn't warn you it was dark.

I waited and waited and waited for some acknowledgement or a kind word, a phonecall, a letter back, a chat and what happened??

NOTHING! I understand life happens and responsibilities but I was not someone that let people in much.

That was a privilege that happened to very few people. He had goaded me for answers and yet didn't have the decency, the heart to respond in any single way???

I was devastated at this betrayal and at that point figured I was a lost cause and I retreated further away from activities and people.

I did hate him for that and ceased communicating with him. I put myself in his shoes and thought if someone had come up to me, seeing me as a mentor, a friend..

I wouldn't be looking for the perfect words. I would just thank them for being brave enough to open up and grateful that I could be there to listen and support them.

Sometimes all that is needed is to know we are not alone, we are not hopeless, somebody cares, somebody is in your corner.

I think eventually there was a halfhearted apology, something about him being really swamped but I don't remember him ever saying, I read your letter and I feel your pain.

There was just excuses and I never looked at him in the same way again. I let it go because I was used to being ignored by those I trusted.

But the bond was broken and I expressed my anger and disappointment.

I'm not sure what the real reason was, did he feel out of his depth? Was he worried about pushing me further into the abyss?

Or was the hard truth that he didn't give a damn and wanted to be seen as a good guy??

Who knows? Who cares. I guess it was another life lesson. Be careful who you let in.

People are not who they seem. Another reason I am very cautious around others.

#BlogLife524 - A different kind of smile

Song of the day - Natasha Bedingfield - Pocketful of sunshine

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gte3BoXKwP0

Today in the UK it's really peculiar hot/cold weather so it gave me the opportunity to wear the green and black leopard print top.

It's very nice, loose but not baggy, warm but not stifling and long but not drowning me.

And because of that I decided to have fun with the eyeshadow. I used green, black and purple.

I'm no expert but it looks different to the normal safe pinky colours that I wear.

I just realised as well why yesterday my lenses were continually fogged up and blurry, it was due to the stupid clear mascara.

It must have gotten all over my lenses, no wonder I couldn't read anything, despite dousing them in eye drops and re-cleaning them.

Today I didn't bother to apply mascara in case the same thing happened again, that was the first time it did though.

I started off alright, had a nice sleep and my period is still finished but I am horribly bloated and the cramps are sooo bad.

I feel a lil nauseated as I haven't eaten yet so I am playing the Gerd youtube video and hoping that helps.

I probably have to cycle through all the pmt playlist. The gerd one is to avoid nausea and help me burp as otherwise I might be sick.

Food doesn't always digest or settle in my tummy but listening to the videos helps maybe more than half the time.

Whether or not I am on my period. There seems to be this random morning sickness with no warning.

I have a lil bit of the last face wash left and then I just realised, I think I bought the same type but in a different brand.

Ugh I should not shop while I am sleepy. It's a £6 pricey, Himalaya rose micellar foaming face wash.

I was attracted by the foaming bit. I didn't want another heavy product on my face.

I have 2/3 tiny pimples on my face that I think are sugar or hormonal breakouts.

Honestly I haven't been using the face brush. I keep forgetting. 

Playing the gerd video while eating and sipping some fanta/sprite helped me not to vomit and I feel a lil energised now.

I'm going to quickly remove my makeup with the face brush and new face wash and let you know what I think.

I feel like it will take a few rinses to get rid of this makeup anyway.

I do feel better after eating. The cramps are gone and so is the sickiness.

This is the results, the scent seems like an artificial sweet soap, not the best.

I decided to do a double cleanse of the face brush and using my hands.

In both cases, I did pre-shake the bottle and there was instant foam which I loved because I find these types work better for my combination skin which is sometimes dry and other times oily.

At the moment, except for my eye area, my skin is really greasy which I hate.

This product was wonderfully light, it sunk in, felt refreshing and didn't sting my eyes or feel irritable in any way.

I don't use a specific makeup remover. I use a combination of wipes and whatever face wash I have.

It took off all the foundation but the eyeshadow remained, so I used a face wipe to get rid of it.

The whole of my face feels moisturised. There are no dry patches whatsoever.

So far I like it. I'll let you know after a week or so if anything changes.

For now the heatwave has passed but I'm still having lukewarm shower/baths and sleeping on top of the duvet.

One last thing, if you're like me and don't use a mirror to cut your hair..

Afterwards have a peek and see if you need to adjust it. I don't really do much to the back, except shorten it.

But the front I snip off anything that looks like excess and it doesn't quite belong.

I don't care if it's uneven or the fact that the left and right look different.

The right flicks out more naturally because it is to the point where it's automatically presentable with minimum effort and that's what I always wanted.

#BlogLife523 - Surprising you expectantly

My gas meter appointment was for 12pm to 4pm and usually just before then I put on the heating/hot water as it takes a while to come on but I didn't want to be boiling.

I was up about 9amish as I felt rested and it was lucky because at about 10.40am buzzzzz.

He had arrived grrr. Why do they bother making appointments when they turn up randomly??

I hate that so much, what if I had been out or busy?? I hustled to finish getting dressed and then he was asking me all these questions that I didn't know.

I quickly put on the boiler and a few seconds later, still no hot water.

Another thing that bothers me, well 2, why don't they call/text to say they are arriving prematurely??

Plus why not take all the bloody equipment out of the van prior to knocking???

Because it means I am constantly getting up to buzz them in and that takes me time and is a nuisance!!!

Apparently it takes roughly half an hour to fit the new meter. He's guessing at which one is mine ha.

Then who knows how long the boiler check will take? I just told him to re-buzz to let him back in as he is in the garden.

I'm disappointed that the kitchen floor didn't stay clean. I walked up and down it so it needs re-mopping.

I forgot to pour the hot water mixture on it to soak overnight, which would have helped.

The more I clean, the more I have to re-clean. It's never-ending. Ooh by 11.15am he was done.

I am relieved to change and relax. He said the electricity meter will be changed at some point too.

I just rushed to take the boiler off. I put it on for alternate days in summer.

I got to finish my Iceland order. That was done and now back to present day Monday.

I got home not long ago from a meeting with Dic. The last few steps were draining me.

He asked me about an assignment and I made out I was gutted the way it turned out, completed but not in the way he preferred, that was funny.

I'm becoming a lil actress of sorts. Then 3 minutes later it was all done, as he didn't keep me waiting for once.

Remarked that he would see me, not next week but in a fortnight, in the afternoon at 2.30pm boo but it's good news in a way.

Mama wants me to spend our upcoming birthdays together but my schedule is a bit random with Dic calling me in to see him sporadically.

Today there is no pain as such, just some slight nausea and tiredness. Actually there was nothing really stressful.

I gave myself lots of time to get ready. My period is stop starting which is annoying as it is now the second week.

I'm going out tomorrow to get some bins and ohh I need a face wash soon.

Have you seen this tv show called Suits? I think it's oldish, about lawyers, power struggles and romance.

It's not dark or gory and has some humour interjected in each episode. I quite like it.

I usually root for the underdog if they're likeable and that is Lewis, he is my favourite from the show.

#BlogLife522 - The first step is getting up..

Afternoony all. How's your day going? Mine has been exhausting! I'm now just resting from a 11amish - 2pmish cleaning frenzy.

In my head I thought do a lil by lil each day, to make it easy on myself.

But having a heavy period means I was shattered before I even begun.

I just decided to do everything this morning. I made sure I had a proper rest because I knew I would need every ounce of energy not to quit halfway.

Then I got up, got my icy citrus drink, put my party music on and changed my duvet, mopped the kitchen, hallway, lounge floors, emptied the bins and rested a lot in-between hence the time frame.

I got to do another manicure, pedicure and massage chair soon. Maybe I'll ask if Mama wants to do it with me for a treat.

I procrastinated so much this morning but I knew I would get to it. I was determined to cross it off the list and I guess the treat was wearing the new fluffy slippers I bought.

The floors aren't spotless still but they are more presentable. I can't bend down anymore, else I'm going to get backache again.

I got rid of some more old clothes, wiping up the water which was fun because I need the hangers for the new tops that are arriving maybe at the end of the month.

It took me roughly an hour to change the duvet, which is ridiculous but I couldn't find the opening, I wasn't sure if it was a zip or buttons.

Then by the time I was flipping it to spread it out over my bed, I was so drained, it only did it halfway and I had to manually uncurl it.

I mean it's mostly smoothed out and I forgot it's reversible so I put the ugly stripey side on the front but the pillowcases are this bright blue and white colours.

I haven't been napping lately so I'm going to bed early and sleeping deeply but waking up frequently too.

One dream somebody was telling they were being chased by molten lava melted cheesy tomatoey pizza haha.

Then it was after me. I have been craving pizza but I haven't ordered it, maybe that's why it haunted me..

The other dream has slipped my mind. I don't often remember them. It's usually just bits and pieces.

The nice thing is I haven't had a nightmare in a while, those can be frequent-ish especially when I'm stressed.

Normally the maintenance appointments bring me anxiety because it's usually men and some of them are rude or creepy.

As annoying as this probably is to them, my coping mechanism I've realised to calm me down and make me feel safe, if it's a short meeting..

Is to hang out with them in a sense, a good few feet away from them and chitchat.

Some of them are alright with it and some are irritated by it but it's my home and I deserve to feel at peace in it.

I've found when I leave them to it and the doors are opening and closing (especially the front one) and I don't know where they are...

I don't have a full blown panic attack but I'm definitely on edge as though they are going to burst into my bedroom any second.

The fact that it's happened before is pretty unsettling but hopefully tomorrow is routine, just the kitchen, where the boiler is going to be checked and that should be it.

I haven't eaten yet because I didn't want to feel sluggish after and not get up and clean but now that everywhere is tidy, I don't want to mess it up...

#BlogLife521 - Clothes shopping can be depressing

I was hoping for a stop-start period but nope still on and I find it harder than ever to sleep.

I think maybe 1amish until 5amish I slept and then it took me ages to fall back to a deep slumber.

I liked the purple top so much that I bought it in blue and red, it worked out to £6 each including postage as there were more discounts added and I had some credit left over.

I only have a handful of thin long sleeved summer wear so I don't mind paying about £12 for 2 beautiful tops that I feel happy showcasing.

Yesterday I was thinking about how my weight fluctuated so many times and when I was slimmer, clothes shopping was fun, I could try on loads of outfits and there was so much variety.

But mostly I was on the heavier side, surrounded by skinny people who could walk into any store and find something to wear.

Shopping with others made me feel so bad about myself because the ritzier the shop, the less choice I had, if any.

I think there were times when I was so happy to see my size I bought things I didn't even like.

If I wanted to go window shopping now I would probably have to find a plus size speciality store, that was far far away.

Whereas online there are quite a few places to have a look at. It's a relief to be the same size in all of them actually.

Normally it's different sizes in different stores. I think that's why I'm continually surprised when clothes actually fit me.

There seemed to lots of times when everything was too tight or unflattering and it was disheartening because trying different looks had been another way that I expressed myself.

I felt shy, withdrawn, unsociable but my fashion sense would sparkle. I didn't always do bright colours but occasionally I would.

Maybe through that, part of me was saying don't ignore me or underestimate me, I may look timid, I may not contribute much but underneath the layers there is more to me, that will eventually be unearthed, given the chance..

#BlogLife520 - Slip into something comfy

I'm not sure how long I've had the red slippers, I think it might have been a year or just under but they need replacing now.

I feel like they are about to come apart so I spotted a blue pair on Shoezone for £7 and I paid the additional £2 for Saturday delivery as there are less headaches when it's tracked.

(This was before I knew, they put the wrong address on it and it was returned grr).

The ebay ones were good but too heavy, I'm hoping these are lighter but sturdy too.

It's lunchtime but I'm not tired enough to nap sadly. Oh lil tip for you.

Sometimes like today my hair stays plastered to my face, even in the wind.

If there is time I will tousle volume into it but occasionally I'm running late so for the first time I did it at the bus stop to the bewilderment of queuers.

I looked like a monkey scratching her mane. I shall not be doing that again....

I think it will probably loosen up when I sleep. It's a heavily nauseated day so I bought some fizzy drinks.

Pret had fizzy apple, plus a grape and elderflower with citrus added. I'm not a fan of elderflower but thankfully this is tasty.

I guess today might as well be a cheat day but I don't tend to be rigid, I'm flexible with naughty munchie days.

I popped into my International retailer and picked up more raw hazelnuts and almonds. It's just basically unsalted, which is healthier.

I don't know if they are roasted or not but I just like snacking on them randomly.

I was going to peruse for dried fruit but I already felt my energy depleting so I picked up the pace.

I saw this sinful looking chocolate and vanilla cake for £2.50 for 6 pieces that looked amazing and I bought it.

I am trying to buy less sugary snacks but I think pmt is demanding sweet treats.

I also bought sour cream and dil crisps and that was it. Breakfast or lunch will be the avocado and egg mini baguette that is perfection from Pret.

Yesterday the purple top arrived but I was too tired to open it. I wore it today though and again, it almost seems fitted.

I'm still getting used to wearing my actual size and showing my true, bigger than average figure.

However this top in particular because it is a low V neck, made me reminisce about my younger days. wearing tight clothes that I could get away with because I was quite slender.

The top isn't tight on me but it's the perfect size. the sleeves are fantastically long. It's not too thick or thin.

And it's a beautiful light playful purple that has a pattern different to the normal and I adore unusual styles.

It's hard to explain how I feel except to say that it's as though I've lost more weight just by dressing better.

The sun is too harsh for me to shrink into the background with multiple layers so I have to dress minimally and I do feel comfortable and tailored.

Nothing is on display, not bra, not arms or legs but there is a sexiness in daring to bare your unique shape, no matter what it is.

For some of us, it's easy, it's a routine but for others, we take our time, try it indoors, by ourselves or with friends and family and see their reactions first.

Have fun experimenting and creating your own sensational look. You can gather opinions but only your view matters, if you love it, that is the bottom line.

When you next look in the mirror and say Ugh, I hate this, that. why can't I be like so and so..?!

Change it too, Hmm, you know, that's actually a pretty colour on me. Or I never realised that particular feature is stunning.

Celebrate your loveliness. I see it in you, now see it in yourself :)

#BlogLife519 - Cleaning gave me a mental boost

As promised (to myself), I started off in the bathroom and scrubbed the sink and then mopped the hallway floor.

I could not be bothered to dry it off. I hope the sun takes care of it as it is very warm today.

I did have to create yet another energetic playlist but then I soldiered on until the pain and tiredness hit me 20 minutes later.

Feels great to flop on my bed and switch the fan on. I actually wanted to carry on and do more but I made a start and it's more than I thought.

The gleaming surfaces are smiling at me. The bathroom, bedroom, lounge and kitchen floors are left to do.

I might tackle more later but I am totally depleted now and will continue resting and having my icy ribena.

The hardest part is always getting up and beginning the cleansing journey but once the momentum is going, you'll wonder why you were procrastinating in the first place?!

I just realised tomorrow when I get back I will be shattered. I will give myself until 4.30pm, an hour later and see if the hallway is dry.

It was partially damp still. Then either back to the bathroom or I will move on to the kitchen and living room.

Sometimes I have to do 2 rounds with the floors because the dirt smears itself around and I can't bend down to wipe every lil speck of grime.

Mopped the kitchen and lounge, just as the earbuds disconnected and the music stopped grr.

But I was too hyped up to stop so I just carried on. Tomorrow or Saturday will re-mop and do the bathroom/bedroom floor.

Ah I got another tip, I poured out the excess mixture onto the floor and left it, which will mean less mopping but also, longer to dry...

I also remembered to rinse the broom head in the sink. That's it for today, can't manage anymore.

It was the right day to clean because there wasn't any nausea so I didn't have to keep stopping midway.

I might skip dinner, I had a big late lunch. All I feel like is a 100 lollies but I'll settle for one.

It is the total opposite of yesterday, I feel really sicky and tired. I'm going to see how I feel in a few hours.

Dic didn't say much and I wasn't volunteering any information so it was a quick appointment.

I just called up about the gas meter expiring and that is booked for next Friday between 12-4pm.

I normally get morning meetings but I don't want to wake up early and hustle to get ready, I want to take my time leisurely.

I also called up about the door, apparently it's a safety thing, fire-proof I think.

It's been measured already so in a few months they will call to arrange a time to fit in.

Oh I'm thrilled that the new gas meter, isn't going to be a smart one, woop woop, it's just a regular type.

No skyrocketing energy bills yay :) My slipper order from Shoezone got cancelled as the address label was printed on incorrectly.

I can't believe in this day and age they would screw that up. If the shoes weren't so distinctively comfy, I would be tempted to write them off completely.

I'm sure last time there was an issue with them too. I thought they would have sent a replacement pair out but nope just a refund.

I already ordered a new pair and that should arrive tomorrow when I'm out grr.

I finally started my period yesterday so I'm feeling extra bloated, tired, grumpy and cold.

#BlogLife518 - Invasion of the mind snatchers

I finally went through my mail as I had ignored it when I sprained both my hands and found out what the mystery call was about.

It wasn't about the smart meter as such, the regular one had expired and needed replacing.

Even though it's outdoors, they needed to check out my gas appliances to make sure nothing was interrupting their service.

I have to book that in. Ugh strangers in the home for up to an hour, cringe.

Then I have another meeting, something about the front door and making sure it's..... Safe? Lol, I have no idea.

Goodness knows how long that will take, measurements, questions, someone else invading my personal space.. Yuckity!

I'm going to see if I can arrange them both for next week. Even though I have appointments on Tuesday and possibly another with Dic...

I'm seeing him tomorrow morning so I will know the schedule then.

I always try to tidy up before my home is invaded. Actually, surprisingly, I'm maintaining the spot cleaning.

Everywhere is mostly tidy, the only places that need work are the floors and I just need to wipe around the bathroom sink.

I actually read through the cleaning posts I previously composed to see what the mixture was.

Hot water, washing up liquid/soap and bleach. I recall that because of the steam mop I was using cold water and had gotten used to that.

But now I'm doing it by hand with sponges, wipes and my trusty broom, steamy hot water is better.

For the newbies who are wondering why I am not using a mop? 

It broke and the replacement was rubbish! I hate wasting money.

I have a few Amazon reviews to write but I cannot be bothered at the moment.

I am getting really hungry but I don't know whether to make a start on the cleaning or eat first.....

I think I will at least sort the sink out as that won't take long. I dread doing the floors, it's so slippery and then I have to kneel and wipe the excess water with a rag or old clothes.

But I'm pumped up and motivated and I'm holding on to the relief I will feel, when it's all sparkly and disinfected.

Knowing I will be able to rest and relax, having done what I set out to do.

The weekend will then be changing the duvet cover and pillowcases and that will be the last of it.

Oh I saw a few movies, Love again with Priyanka Chopra, it's cute, lots of musical stars.

Then Bean again with Rowan Atkinson. I think I first saw it in the cinema with my family and my cousin and Aunt.

She was mortified to be seen in public with her family but I thought it was fun to have us altogether, enjoying ourselves.

When I can't find anything new, I cycle back to the favourites, just to put my mind at ease before bed.

Oh the Amazon top updated the tracking, it's on a plane so it isn't lost :)

#BlogLife517 - I found you

I feel good but at the same time stressed. I almost feel like I'm coming down with something or maybe I am run down.

My head has been pounding off and on. Last night it was so bad I had an early night and slept but kept waking up every few hours grr.

My Police To Be body 200ml mist (£7.19) just arrived with the top missing.

But it has this lil stopper thing to prevent accidental use I guess. I would have preferred a cap.

It's only a general spritzer though. I am losing everything at the moment, the Britney Spears one is somewhere around.

I only intend to use it casually for indoor use. I can't really tell what it's supposed to smell like.

Just appears to be sweet and ever so slightly fruity. I do like it though, it's just in no way distinctive.

It's way better than the Britney one. I woke up at 4am and was slightly panicky because on Friday late afternoon..

I saw a number calling on my phone that gave me a lot of trepidation.

I should have just answered it and gotten it over and done with but instead I stared at it.

There hasn't been any text or email follow ups but I have this dread that they are going to force me to install a smart meter, which I don't want to do...

As it has been well documented on social media and by family that the bills skyrocket after the installation to double or triple the previous amount.

I am so happy with my low value tariff, it's way better than a lot of others and I don't want that to change.

It's not cheap, as bill is escalating higher and higher but so far it's manageable and I budget well.

I don't buy anything I immediately can't afford. On one hand the meters for the gas and electricity seem mandatory and on the other, seem optional?!

It's pretty confusing. The design is supposed to give more accuracy but that hasn't been the case and I've heard about them glitching too.

EDF who I use for my gas and electricity supply emailed to say the prices are going down but in the same gobblygook breath mentioned that I wasn't eligible or something about the discount being the same.

Honestly I don't understand them at all. I will just check my balance and see if I am paying less, which would be a miracle.

Eon who the previously people were with, continuously gouged and overcharged me and wouldn't let me leave but EDF came to the rescue and I got probably double back in return, which was such a relief.

It's making me lose my appetite and sleep but I did manage to fall back into a sleepless dream.

It's a lil weird that the New Look green leopard print top was supposed to be trackable with Yodel but the website didn't recognise it.

They sent me email updates though. That tracking app *Shop* is half good.

Some parcels it won't let you track and it doesn't have all the couriers listed and manually adding won't save.

I guess it's convenient when I'm not on my laptop or away from home.

The top fit nice and loosely, it's thicker and warmer than expected but I'm happy the sleeves go past my wrists.

I'm gutted that the yellow and black leopard print was half price at £8 but I've worn that style before.

It's alright but the other versions pop more and look so much better.

I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing but I'm maintaining my weight.

It's been a year and I haven't gained any of it back but then I should have been losing continuously also...

I'm happy it's consistent but I still aim to shrink further. As weird as this sounds, at least I know it's possible now.

Before this, nothing seemed to be working. Busy time next week but I'll make a call on Monday and find out what they want from me.

Oh I discovered where the pink top was..... I put it away in a hurry and it was inside out, ha.

Monday the towel arrived, it cost £5.29, is that pricey? I'm not sure but it is sooo soft on my skin which I love.

The Amazon one is confusing me, the tracking isn't updating, unless customs are passing it around and people are trying it on ha.

The last update is the airport. I always think it's UK stock and then sometimes it arrives from abroad.

#BlogLife516 - Maximum body hydration

I like timing packages to arrive at the weekend, I'm usually not rushing to go out anywhere so I'm more likely to hear the door and receive it.

This morning was the usual Iceland groceries. I really love the orange lollies, they aren't sugar free but they don't taste syrupy and loaded with sweetness either.

Just fruity and refreshing. The only reason I tried them was because the Mr Freeze icepoles have been completely out of stock sadly :(

It's a pound for 4 so I bought 2 boxes. Imagine in the icepole packet there are 20 for £1.50 and that lasts ages even though I take out 2 at a time.

10.30am the Beautizone trackable royal mail parcel came, they predicted 4/5 days but mine came in 2 which is pretty great and they bundled in bubble wrap to stop leakages which I appreciate.

That included the American dream aloe body butter £7 and those are always priced highly because it's supposed to be better quality.

Body butters are rarely any good, except if you spend a fortune from a reputable brand.

Sanctuary or Champneys, Dove and now American Dream are the only ones I've tried and liked so far.

I do like investing every now and then because it will last at least a couple of months.

The nivea rich moisturising 5 in 1 body lotion is an affordable substitution at 400ml for £4 I think.

Products with shea butter are overhyped I have used a bunch and not been impressed.

I go for something that is different and mainly affordable. I will spend a lil more on things that help my skin along.

It has a nice but generic smell and it's a light medium thickness to the texture.

I do love that butter consistency that just seems to melt and absorb deeper into the skin.

It takes a while to massage it in and I guess it feels a lil oily after but for applying one coat my skin already looks and feels hydrated.

I've never heard of the brand American Dream but I can see myself looking for other body butter versions to try out.

I don't understand how the Mane n Tail leave in conditioner at 355ml is twice the size of the other one and at the same price??

Can somebody explain that? I'm going to have to take a picture.

Umm alright *puts hands up* I may have got it slightly confused.

I did think they were the same size but my one is 178ml only, oops.

The new one, the detangler (even though I don't have knots), was £4.95, I think that was roughly the same price, give or take a pound.

It doesn't smell of sickly bubble gum like the daily one. Just a lightly sweet chemical scent.

I spritzed a bit on my hair and although it's still greasy, it still feels a lil polished so I think I'm going to enjoy using that also.

The last package was by amazon, I took out a free prime trial and saw a cute purple top which naturally is ineligible for free fast delivery grrr.

There's always one thing that doesn't qualify but I couldn't resist because it was long sleeve, great colour and it just looks different, feminine, pretty and unique.

I'm just not sure it will fit but I used up all my amazon/promotional credit, plus it was on sale, supposed to be just under £7 and I bought it for £2.24 lol.

The BX29 earbuds that came just before 1pm are to replace the U2 pair that died.

Bold claim that it's supposed to last up to 15hrs on a single use but we shall see.

I do like that it has bluetooth 5.3 as chromebook hates bluetooth and keeps disconnecting grrr.

It was available in pink but I choose the black because when I'm out, I don't remove them and nobody has asked me too because I don't think they are noticeable.

My hair just about covers them, if I take them out they switch off and sometimes will not turn on, drives me insane.

I prefer to leave them in but mute the volume, via the phone because I always forget how to do it on the earbud.

I don't know if they can multi connect to devices or if it will stay paired while I am in the kitchen, we shall see.

What I did notice when I eventually worked out, I was trying to open it from the back, is that it's really lightweight and comfy.

Although less of a tight secure fit. The others aren't super heavy but after a while sometimes my ears can itch or feel sensitive.

I left them on overnight and they have just died, 14 hours they lasted, not too bad.

I tried to connect to my phone and the laptop but they wouldn't, sadly it must be single use only.

It's been a crazy morning. I was going to head out and get a new duvet cover and oh no I just realised...

I topped up my oyster card and to activate it, I'm supposed to use the bus to swipe my card by Thursday but I'm no longer heading out maybe until Friday.

That's my appointment with Dic. I had just washed my hair and used the Vatika argan shampoo.

The bottle is brown and the shampoo is a pretty gold shade. It's a medium thickness and incredibly moisturising.

I didn't feel like I needed a conditioner afterwards and I use my leave in anyway.

It was really easy to rinse out and my hair and scalp feel hydrated, soft, volumised and styled naturally.

I didn't really have to do anything apart from slightly comb it into place as it was bunched up.

I guess I will see how it feels in a couple days, if it maintains the softness but so far, loving the Vatika range.

The reason I couldn't head out today is because diversions, road blocks and inaccessibility is in place.

There's been some sort of Police incident in town and traffic has been really affected.

No buses are stopping near me, the market road is closed and I would have to walk halfway there and deal with the same heading back.

I don't want to be outdoors for that long and next to all those huge intersections, it's making me feel sick just thinking about it.

Plus how I got stranded last time and the traffic lights weren't working.

The alternative would be to take a taxi but I would still only make it partially, what is the point?

I feel bad though I was going to see someone and to cancel it, seems self indulgent.

As though I didn't try everything possible and just gave up. Part of me knows, this is the best solution for my health.

The rest of me feels guilty that I didn't just go and face the potential harm and obstacles.

My stomach is in knots so I am trying to de-stress. Anti nausea is playing in the background.

I just try my best to be responsible and do what I am supposed too. It just isn't always possible.