#BlogLife242 - Beauty impaired

I set my alarm early for about 8amish and thought I would get ready and leave early to avoid queues and crowds. I slept through the first or both of them but it was only 8.30am so wasn't too bad.

I didn't leave until 11amish. I don't know why it takes me so long to get ready but it does. I washed my hair and decided to do half up/half down and tie the remaining.

I'm not sure how it looked from the back but the front was tidy. I have grey hairs prominently displayed at the front fringey bit but I am not really bothered.

I feel so old as it is, grey hairs are nothing to freak out about. I didn't have to wait to long for the buses and there are other bits I could have done but I didn't want to tire myself out.

Today was about beauty. I decided it was long overdue and finally opted to get my brows tidied. Wow. I have shape again, they look so good.

The first thing though was the luxury pedicure, the chair has a percussion and shiatsu massage so while my tootsies are soaking I can mostly chill out.

Altogether it was £28 and because it was practically empty she was so thorough. I felt like I had about 3 leg massages. The scrub, the cream and maybe soap?

I'm not sure but that part was totally luxurious, however the pain was creeping in and started to get really painful and I wasn't doing anything but holding onto the chair rest.

When I was lifting my legs to take them in and out of the warm water for the treatment. I felt this immense pain. It was uncomfortable but the massages help.

I was trying to take some deep breaths and stay light and fluffy but it was a challenge. It's not usually this bad but I strained my legs with the mopping and maybe that's why.

I kinda feel a bit dead in certain areas of my body, any little bit of exertion and it's torture. There is more tidying to do but I'll either get to it later or tomorrow.

I did wear that new purply wrap top today and found some blue trousers I had forgotten about. Also a brand new pair of beige trousers that are just a tad snug.

They still have the tags on so I'll keep them for a while and see if I can eventually fit into them.

I went with Pret A Manger, my favourite sandwich shop and bought the chicken and avocado sandwich, plus the chicken katsu baguette.

I overbuy and then stuff them in the fridge as I knew I would not want to be standing cooking/heating up anything.

#BlogLife241 - Stuck self sabotaging

That was a great episode of This Is Us. I feel like some of us are are own worst enemies, we get stuck and the sensible thing is to get on and move forwards, make progress but the brain just freezes and it can't always be done.

I didn't find a suitable cleaner, some were booked, some wanted pre-payments before even beginning and I don't want to do that again, for the overcharging alone and cancellations.

I think I'll just do what I can in tiny baby steps and hope for the best because I'm too exhausted to make anymore calls.

When I use the steam mop, it takes hours to dry, when anyone else uses it, it feels like it's dry almost immediately. I don't know how they do that.

I'm constantly stepping and leaving shoe prints on the damp floors. Maybe they use another mop head to soak up the excess water so that it dries quicker?

But I'm sure he only used 1 for the bathroom, kitchen, living room and hallway. I offered 3 just in case he needed them and 2 were left over.

It's not nice but at least when someone else is stuck, there is a comfort in it. They are struggling too and it normalises it.

It's easier to bear the burdens but when they snap out of it and progress to a new level, that feeling of loneliness, disappointment and self loathing takes over.

I don't have a vacuum cleaner. I bought one and it didn't really work so I didn't feel I could return a used product like that.

It put me off buying another one. I do have a broom, pan and brush though.

I've been reading tips about cleaning floors and some recommend white vinegar and others do not. A lot of contradictions out there.

I know you can't add bleach, which is a shame. I think I might add a bit of handwash soap to the water tank. That feels gentle enough.

I swept thoroughly and did one round with the steam mop and water, it made the dirt looser and easier to shift but it's not free off muck yet.

I am shattered and now boiling from the steam. I know most clean barefoot to avoid leaving shoe marks but I feel too weird doing that so I just use slippers. Plus I need some lift and support under my feet.

I have to walk past the area I've just mopped anyway. I've just taken off one mop head and will switch it out tomorrow.

I might try and use the broom or brush to do a bit of scrubbing before I do the mop again.

At least it didn't leak water and didn't feel as dripping wet as it usually does. It's starting to look a lot better.

Ahh I forgot to put essential oils on the pad. Ugh the floor's still wet and so are my slippers and the dirt is sticking to the back of them.

I don't want to ruin the rest of the rooms so I guess I'm stuck until it dries. Everyone is so much better and more efficient at cleaning than I am.

I have tried to find hints and hacks but everyone is usually specialised or dodgy products and I just have the basics. I was going to purchase a floor cleaner but that's also contradictory.

Ugh it's confusing to know what is safe and what is harmful. I'll probably just sigh and do what I typically do and use plain water.

A slow and tedious, repetitive painful action which I can only manage in short bursts. 

I wish I could find something that is powerful so I wouldn't have to use it for a long time. That would be way more motivating then knowing I have to clean, clean and clean some more.

I think weekends are a nicer time to purify the home, it seems less frantic. I'm going to tidy as I go and use wipes for lil spillages and the steam mop for a shine and freshen session.

The only tip I have is, wipes and sponges are too small and dainty. I like to use old clothes that I'm going to bin anyway to wipe up any leftover residue.

I find that really works exceptionally well and my closet is lighter. Plus I'm slowly de-cluttering. The sweeping, mopping and wiping has done half of it.

Tomorrow I hope to have the strength to do the remainder. As for the footprints it's only one set and I just wipe it clear afterwards.

It's actually nice not having a stranger lurking around adding to the guilt of watching them doing my chores. After the floor is done, the other goal is clearing the window sills. 

I have old papers and beauty products resting there and they are all garbage basically.

It's been 4 and a half hours and my floor is still damp and the other floors are shiny and mine isn't. Of course the other possibility is that, my slippers are wet and that's what's causing the stickiness underfoot.

I'm keeping this as a long post because this is my process. It takes ages to get motivated but when I am I just like to get everything done at once, even if it's not realistic.

It's been difficult but I thought it was going to be much worse actually. At least I've made some progress. I should have concentrated on one area and finished it before moving on.

Oh and I have to get the cobwebs also. I use peppermint essential oil sprinkled around and that's supposed to deter spiders/flies, it half works.

I do forget to douse the areas at times. My beats headphones have picked up an atrocious habit, they keep randomly disconnecting.

I'm right next to the laptop so it's not a distance thing. I understand when I'm in the kitchen that's further away and that's normal but not when I'm right here. Grr!

Another tip to avoid dragging dirt is probably to wear thick socks that you change afterwards,

I plugged in the steam mop, ready to go, determined to finish and the damn thing is broken. Arghhh!

Tried to hand scrub the floors but it needs more elbow grease. I just saw a clever hack on youtube, someone cut a hole in a towel and threaded it through a broom and is using it as a mop.

I don't have towels to spare but I'll try it with an old shirt and just soak it in hot water. Wish me luck as it's getting really annoying.

I tried out the method which felt more like dry mopping but was nicer as it wasn't wet, sticky or slippery.

Eventually the shirt came off and I carried on using the broom as a scrubber.

Then the power went off and I couldn't get my room sockets to work, eventually did which was freaking me out.

No laptop or phone chargers. Eeek. Anyway this method seemed to work better than my steam mop and I still have more to do but it's looking cleaner and cleaner.

I'll be curious to see tomorrow if the floor has shoe marks and dirt as on it or if it stays fresh. I have 3 patches left and then done.

I'm looking at the robot vacuum/mop cleaners. I need to do some research but that would certainly make my life easier, if it worked effectively.

I woke up to find the floor areas I mopped had stayed clean and didn't have bits of debris from when I walked in my slippers, last time.

Steam mops are not for me I've realised. I haven't got the technique and I'm ruining the spotless visuals and giving myself more to do, which is frustrating.

I did make a big effort today and most of it is gone. I got creative and used the back of a spoon to scrub some parts and then binned it.

I think a broom-mop is the last part. I just can't do anymore today. I wanted to but all of me is done for the day.

#BlogLife240 - Mama and me on repeat...

I don't know how many times I can have the same conversation and not get annoyed. Why am I expected to sacrifice my safety? What the hell do you expect me to say?

It's Mother's Day weekend and I thought as I am not with her I'll order dinner for her and she won't have to cook today. I was gonna order more stuff but she hates everything I buy so it feels like a waste of money now.

I have no earthly problem doing that, it was my idea but then she brings up. Oh now I've moved and there's more room, you can stay in one of the rooms and your sibling will be in the other room.

Why on earth is she expecting me to say....Yes yes that's reasonable. She says the same garbage each time. Oh he's changed, they both have, like f they have!

As soon as they don't get their own way or something takes a while.... It's shouting and cussing and just the air of violence washing over the entire building.

Why would I want to be around that, yet again?? I told her, she doesn't see it and wasn't always around for it and she says, she understands but she bloody doesn't.

Why else would she ask me the same f'ing question??? It doesn't take much to set them off. One wrong look, question, topic, anything!!

I've had enough of being afraid around my so-called family. When is it going to get through? These fears blurred out into the world.

Most things scared me to death and still do. I have the right to some peace of mind. It's not something that can be brushed under the carpet.

I know she wishes I would get over my hatred of them but it's not going to happen. Either one day, they'll snap or I will. As this has been building since childhood.

I would bet money, she has never ever sat them down and said.. Look you made your sister's life miserable. She has a fear of men now, that you've done to her.

She is petrified to be in the same room as you. Get some f'ing counselling and fix yourselves!!!!

But no, there'll be none of that. She'll expect me to be panicky, nervous and on edge. Screw that!

She really is an expert at driving the wedge deeper between us. Congratulations, mission accomplished.

Why don't people respect my damn boundaries??!!!! It's hard enough to speak up and admit them out loud and yet they're still ignored relentlessly.

Talking to a brick wall irritates me and the fact she is putting it all on me, disgusts me!! It's like saying my concerns aren't valid and I'm just being hysterical to seek attention.

To grow up seeing hatred and embarrassment in someone's eyes when they look at you every day is a lot.

To then be chased around the house and be threatened is too much.

To live each day pleading with myself to be likeable was impossible.

How I wished that I was good company to have around. I seemed to look the wrong way, say the worst thing and do the opposite of what was expected.

Do you know how long it took me to be okay with myself??? To live and breathe and not want to jump off a cliff?

Every time she says just come and hang out. It's a knife through the heart.

When I was living at home. I had to endure the verbal abuse. It was daily and never ended. Now I am living independently, I have a choice.

I pick me! Although my wants and needs were never taken seriously. I'm determined not to blindly go into anymore dangerous situations.

No more, not even for you mama. Enough is enough! Take the hint and stop asking me to do the impossible, consider how it makes me feel.

You can dismiss it, although deep down you're still fearful of them also, why else would you let them walk all over you like a doormat??

Say goodbye to getting your own way and manipulating me. I'm not falling for the guilt trips this time or the next.

Why don't I stand up to them you ask? I do, once but then it happens again. 

The menacing looks, the venom. I'm just not strong enough. My voice cracks, my breath stills and I'm just frozen in time.

Yes I am weak and a coward. I admit that. But I'm also still alive and now I have the guts to say.....

NO!!!

#BlogLife239 - No I can't!

I'm so glad it's the weekend. I really can't wait to veg out and do as lil as possible. I think my biggest challenge is perception.

People look at me and see a dramatic woman, that can't be bothered to do much and I feel that about myself too so I tend to apologise for it.

I'm in my 40's and should be able to do things for myself but I end up straining my body constantly and the pain that comes with it, is unbearable and depressing and makes me feel even more useless.

My bodies age feels 80 years old. I'm typing away and my fingers are just full of pain. If I'm upright my legs are burning in agony. If I'm bending my back feels sharp pains.

If I'm standing, my body can't bear the weight so I have to shift and lean on one side only, then my feet start to hurt.

At least when I'm sprawled on my bed, my back, legs and feet get to ease up and heal. My hands do not because I'm using them constantly so they feel this constant tug tug tug and don't get to recharge unless I'm sleeping.

I wish I could rest more but I seem to be waking hourly and even if I take myself off for an early night, it doesn't quite work. I just need to feel that blinding exhaustion to switch my brain off, in order to close my eyes and pass out.

#BlogLife238 - It's the electrician

Just as I had changed back into house clothes and was relaxing.. Tap tap. The door goes again.

I thought the plumber had left something behind but it was the electrician doing upgrades. Ugh. He said he tried to call yesterday and I don't know if my phone blocked it.

I now have an appointment tomorrow morning 9ish to sort out the wiring and doorbell/buzzer intercom system. I swear they did this last year and said it was all fine and didn't need improving.

I'm dealing with another company though, perhaps they have more money to splash, so much for trying to take it easy.

It's probably better that all the meetings are on the same day, then I can finally unwind Friday, onwards.

I was going to put off the washing but I've just set it and sprained my hand in the meantime. I didn't want to make two trips so I carried the heavy sheets and the rest of it by hand.

I love that comfort smell the best, it lingers and is just the right amount of strength. Blue skies, I think it's called.

I've just tried out the Himalaya mask. Ugh it's in the form of a scrub and I specifically read it and it didn't mention it was also grainy.

I hate those, now I'll be finding bits on my face all night, as it doesn't wash off properly.

It smells flowery and sweet. It's lovely actually and my face already feels mostly smooth and deeply cleansed.

In the morning, my skin has less dry areas and I feel like a few more uses of the mask will fix my face.

I don't think I would buy it again. I don't think scrubs are great for faces anyway, they are too harsh or maybe it is just my combination dry/oily complexion.

I was getting recommendations from the sales girl and I said my only stipulation was no peel-off versions and she was smiling saying. 

Yea I never use those either, too scary :D

The electricians finally showed up at 11am (2 hours late) I was just cooking breakfast. I was hoping that they wouldn't disconnect everything but I guess they needed free sockets so my wifi is no more.

Luckily I have 6gb of free data per month to use, as they will be here, until maybe 1pm or 2pm but there was no definitive time estimate.

I didn't have time to eat so will do it later. It was salmon herb puffs and I just add some sweet chilli sauce on top and it's lush.

I did manage to grab some chilled vimto and haribo sweets so my stomach isn't totally empty.

I'm just letting the washing dry in my room. I'm not sure if they need access but we'll see and I just realised, they are going to create a mess on the freshly mopped floors :(

Oh and I finally unkinked the duvet so it's all smooth. I had a tiny nausea wave but that's passed. My hand still hurts but that's to be expected.

I just have to look for my short fast charger so I can plug it into the laptop as the battery is low, except. I have no idea where I stored it...

I found the chargers and at 1.40pm, they are finally done. Nearly 3 hours and they just barged in, during one of my volunteer chats.

I feel so bad. I hate when people do that, especially to women. You knock and wait, you don't just invite yourself in. Grr. 

This is why I am wary of these maintenance people, that are typically male. They don't respect boundaries at all and it just makes me feel unsafe and uncomfortable.

I have had a few cross the line before and it's just so much better when they are gone!

I had to say brb and then it was a further 20 minutes, until they were actually done.

The person is probably long and it was there first time using it. Arghh, insult to injury. I'll hang around in case they return but I doubt it.

I hope they get someone else who makes them feel better. The one thing these workmen did, as there were 3 of them, was clean up after themselves and take their rubbish with them.

I really did appreciate that a lot, as some don't bother. Plus both my hands are tender and I am not in the mood to do anything at all.

One last visitor to go at 3pm-6pm and then I can just breathe again.

I'm going to eat my salmon puffs and watch The Conners. If you haven't seen this weeks Call Me Kat episode, that is a spicy tale!!

The other appointment turned up at about 5pm as I was munching again and just gave me this form to fill, where they will return for a further appointment next Thursday, good grief.

I thought I was getting everything out of the way for peace and quiet but no matter.

Now I'm going to get some quotes to declutter my room and mop the floors, for this weekend and then I can take it easy as that's the last thing on my to-do list.

#BlogLife237 - It's the plumber...

There are song lyrics akin to the title which always cracks me up. I did manage to nap at lunchtime as one minute I was watching Whose Line and the next my head was on my hands and I was curled up.

I looked at my phone as I forgot to stick it on the charger and there were 2 calls. The smartphone seems to block everything. I googled the number and found it was the plumbing company.

I called them back and they were quite jovial and didn't get mad that they were trying me all morning. I sheepishly admitted that I was napping and they burst out laughing.

I couldn't help but giggle and apologise. After sending them the broken toilet pictures last night, which I think is a smart idea so they know what equipment to bring and can see the damage beforehand.

Instead of coming, blindly assessing and saying Madam, we'll be in touch in a week with the new parts.. They just asked if I was home today and said if so, there's a 3-5pm appointment for you.

I thought/said wow that was quick. The other company would have taken a few days to respond. Now it's just past 3pm and I'm really hungry but I don't want to munch yet.

They didn't seem worried about the job and said it would be resolved today. I didn't ask how long it would take but I'll just wait.

My stomach's rumbling and I still feel groggy but glad I called them back. I should move things out of the way..

I admit, just between you and me, I wasn't dressed properly, was in my nightwear so I quickly changed ha.

I'll let you know how it goes later. Okay that was weird. He arrived about 4.30pm took more pictures and left.

Why would he have not be shown the same pictures I sent off? Is he returning? He said he was going to get what he needed but I don't know if that's from the car or somewhere else.

Maybe it won't be repaired today. Men seem very illogical and confusing. It's 4.42pm so I guess he has gone on another job or for supplies.

I really should have asked. I'm so famished. 4.51pm he came back, fixed it and by 4.59 he was done. I was surprised, thought something else might happen or be needed.

I can breathe and go eat finally :) My beef noodles were mad at me for being neglected.

Oh forgot to mention, I don't pay for repairs, it's covered but even the time I was billed. I argued my case and although they were adamant I would be sent an invoice, nothing ever appeared.

I just told them, I wasn't responsible and luckily the second lady I spoke to was really sweet and sympathetic. I think she advocated for me as I was really stressed and fretting about this expense. I appreciated that :)

#BlogLife236 - You know you're sleep deprived when....

 ..You take off your glasses in a motion and realise, that they are already off. I made myself go to bed early. 9ish or 10ish but it didn't really work for me.

I couldn't seem to peacefully drift off. I played Looney, some candy crush and eventually fell asleep but then woke up at 6am. I'm tired but awake.

Hopefully I will nap later and regain some energy. This is why I prefer to tire myself out and then naturally close my eyes and knock out.

It's more simpler and it isn't like I'm forcing a bedtime restriction on myself. I'm still replaying yesterday in my head but it is starting to fade.

I'm currently listening to Whispered Distraction's asmr videos and he's making me sleepy and mellow :)

I was going to have hottisants for breakfast (hotdog croissants) but I got too peckish and didn't want to wait, so had croissants and cheese instead.

Ahh I just realised, no nausea and my stomach seems fine. I don't know if it will stay like this but I hope so.

I'm going to give myself a manicure later as my nails are a lil chipped and snagged and at some point I have to pluck my brows as they are a lil messy.

I was going to visit my usual place but the lethargy won over and I realised I just wanted to go back home and chill out.

Next time I go, I'll probably do a pedicure too as it seems like forever since the last one. How often do you get yours done? Regularly or a one off treat, a few times a year?

I guess we all have to watch our pennies and I really do need to unkink my bed. It's all lumpy :D I bought this new duvet set yesterday and it's purply leopard printy which seemed cute.

However it looks really unattractive. It was suer cheat at £7 or £8 bucks though. I like those click button fasteners. I don't know what you call them.

I don't find they come apart, they seem quite secure, the button types are more fiddly and delicate and I tend to skip one so it ends up wonky.

#BlogLife235 - How do I process these feelings?

It's not a good day. I was chilly so I put my jacket on and even layered up. I was going to dress light and fluffy, in the new wrap purple top but it seemed too flimsy.

I was sicky all morning but when I put the mini fan on, I felt a chill. I even thought I heard the pitter patter of raindrops outside.

There was a slight breeze and then it got really warm and with the mask on, it felt suffocating. I don't know if it's still mandatory to wear or not so I'll keep using it.

Then I kept missing appointments. I just don't feel up to it. My stomach won't settle and I want to reschedule. I just don't know the number.

That is piling on the guilt as I just want some peace, to feel like crap, away from everyone, hassling me.

Now the cherry on the cake is. I heard back from the cleaning company which I'll now name because the customer service is shoddy.

Emop and instead of an apology, discount and some kind words, like I used, there was angry, defensive feedback.

If indeed the flush mechanism had been that flimsy, why has it lasted over 10 years without breaking???

I just wanted him to say, sorry I am at fault. It was a long, tough job but I should have been more careful.

Instead I'm left with this weirdness inside me. As I should have taken better care with my place and deep cleaned it myself.

At least I take comfort in saying that, although he broke my toilet, he did a thorough job and was personable.

I wouldn't trash someone just because of one thing but I am angry that he broke something, that was working perfectly without any issues and instead of accepting blame, he totally bypassed the guilt and shrugs it off.

I am left to get it repaired and deal with the fallout of, how big a job is it?

I guess I just feel a bit exploited. That I spoke up and expected a more respectful answer. That I would be heard and validated and treated better.

I could give a mean rating but that just seems petty and he did do the job required, that's the annoying thing. I want to rage but I can't.

I will just leave it unsettled. I really don't see the point in pursuing it as they don't seem interested in refunding the lack of equipment charge or dealing with my unhappiness due to the damage.

It helps to let it out and I'm starting to feel better about it. Live and learn.

Ahh almost forgot to mention. A new beauty place opened up but they only do threading brows which I hate, will check out the facial treatments though, sounds nice and it's in a convenient location also.

I got a purifying Himalaya Neem face mask for oily skin for £2.80 to try out and a Himalaya saffron mint face wash, not sure of the price.

I'll let you know when I sample them and how they turn out. I feel better, nausea has subsided and I managed to change my bed without vomiting.

I can't do the floors though. I'll probably get yet another cleaner for them as I am wiped out. There's nothing left in me.

My duvet is all lumpy and uneven and I don't have the patience to fix it.

The really nice thing is, I postponed the appointment and the woman I spoke to, was actually really sweet and understanding, she said possibly Thursday but not to worry about it.

I also called up about the toilet and have to wait back for an appointment so there's nothing left to do but eat, except I don't want to do that.

I may just skip it. I'm not getting into bad habits, the stress, pain, nausea and tiredness is just getting to me.

Tomorrow or next week, I'll shake out of it but for today, I shall now unwind and game and watch ER or Whose Line reruns.

One good attitude, cancels out one negative :)

#BlogLife234 - Cleaner guilt trip

I was going to do a deep clean of my place. I was only doing small bits here and there but the pain is so bad, I can barely stay upright.

I should clean as I go. I tell myself to do it and think, later, later, later. Then that time never comes.

After delaying and putting it off. I'm just going to do what I can and hire a cleaner again to do the rest of it.

I don't know why I find the floors the hardest. All of it is crippling but the floors just seem to take more exertion and I'm fighting nausea again.

Before I can change my mind. I'm going to get one for tomorrow and get it over and done with.

There are just so many questions to ask, do they take Paypal? Do they bring their own equipment? I have supplies but it never feels like it's enough.

What if they don't show up? I've had cleaners flake out on me and it's scary to think about paying upfront with a potential no show.

I think the other times, I paid cash afterwards which was fine, at least I knew they would have to turn up to be paid. I guess with Paypal I'm covered.

I also prefer if I can communicate with them in English as I have to explain instructions and how the steam mop works. I don't want to leave it on to ruin the wooden floors.

I just ask for the same thing, all the floors mopped and the whole of the bathroom. I just never know whether to include my room.

That's where I'm usually holed up, where do I go? I never feel comfortable leaving them alone in the house. I don't have many things to pilfer but what I own is special to me.

I should be able to do this and I'm beating myself up that I can't. I should just book one twice, or once a year just for peace of mind, without the guilt.

A lot of people do it. I just feel like a bad person, a less than person for not doing it.

It's all booked for tomorrow. There wasn't a deal as such and it's pricier than I paid before but I know I'll feel better afterwards.

This is the one thing that is worth paying for because it stresses me out and I still procrastinate. There will be 2 cleaners but I hope 1 doesn't stay chatting on the phone, bossing the other one around like last time.

Hmm well as usual that was a bust. The first set of cleaners said they didn't have the right equipment and before I could mention I had a steam cleaner, they vamoosed.

They had the cheek to charge me for parking, even though they were here less than 5 mins. The supermarket guys never charge.

Not a happy bunny at £30 but I will get a refund for the rest. I decided to try elsewhere and it's a bit odd when there's no phone number but an online booking system.

Seems pretty standard as I was shopping around for quotes. They wanted to charge extra but I found a replacement and he is just one guy and managed to make good use of the time and make everything sparkling.

Pricey but I don't feel so cluttered and messy now. He takes pride in his work, I can see the difference between him and others.

I will give him a glowing review but the surcharge for bringing his own supplies when he didn't, needs to be refunded asap. I'm so sleepy.

The crazy thing is I just couldn't eat today. It's the uncertainty of having strangers invade my home, not knowing if they'll be judgemental.

Plus it's a safety thing. I just feel wary but it helps me. This thing that I struggle with, that someone can take off my plate is a blessing.

I don't ask for assistance at all. This is a nice treat for myself. I guess that is a better way to look at it, than feeling inadequate that I can barely move around, let alone, be neat and tidy.

Oh you know what the weird thing was? Ha I got so much asmr from the brushing/scrubbing sounds. It was bliss.... Love that sound.

It was all going swimmingly..........Until disaster struck. All of sudden I kept hearing constant water flow and the time was up. He tells me, he is done and everything to his credit, is clean and dry.

Then he brings me to the bathroom and says, it's a typical standard thing. Happens to a lot of people. No big deal. Your toilet won't flush and runs not overflowing but you can hear the sound.

To flush it now, I have to go into the top part, take off that lid thingy and pull this thingybobby and that does it.

Ugh so close to alleviating my stress and that's the other thing that kills me. He spent half an hour overtime, trying to fix it. (For a so-called lightweight issue).

He was nearly half an hour late and for that price, should have been early or at least punctual. 

Lastly I wanted my bedroom tidied also but the time was late and it was a male cleaner. It just felt too awkward.

I won't be using the service again. I want better results and 100% satisfaction. I shouldn't be facing hassles on a routine assignment.

I'm trying to stay relaxed and pain-free, both emotionally and physically.

I do feel a lil better that my place is once again spotless. All that is left to do now is change my sheets and duvet, mop my bedroom floor and de-clutter a tiny bit more.

Oh and get a plumber and write customer services and tell them why I won't be using their overpriced company any longer!!

#BlogLife233 - Same ol same ol

When you go out to eat, to your favourite restaurant or cafe, do you order the same thing? Or do you experiment?

Do you ask for recommendations or are you like me, who plays it safe and orders the same thing each time because it's a guaranteed pleasure experience?

Pain wise I was doing good until I shifted positions. I don't know if it's the cold mornings or some strained muscles but ouchy ouchy. It's still not good and usually it settles down and stops being this intense by now.

I'll give myself a heated shiatsu massage over the weekend and see if that helps. It's weird that being stationary I don't really feel the pain but as soon as I move and forget there was even discomfort, I really feel it strongly.

I'm trying to get more sleep and exercise more. I still don't handle pain very well and I should be used to it but exacerbated pain just gets to me and it's harder to push it aside and pretend it isn't there.

I think about trying a new place, maybe sushi or mexican but then I think, what if I hate it and that is money wasted.

I love avocado in sandwiches and salads, rice I'm not fussed about. I'm not a big fan of tuna, but salmon I like and chicken is good.

I've never tried Korean fried chicken. I'm curious about how it compares. Is it saltier, spicier, crispier?

One day I shall take the plunge. Especially as it is twice or three times the amount I would splurge on another cuisine and smaller portions.

I just feel like an old woman. My mind is young but my body just can't handle much. It's just so fragile.

#BlogLife232 - Frozen brain drain

Afternoony all. How are you feeling today? I'm chilled to the bone. I just came on today so that explains the nausea and cold seeping into my pores.

I always get those two symptoms without fail, whether I start my monthly or skip it. I cranked up the heated blankie on high and am waiting for it to warm me up.

My brain just feels fried when I'm this cold. I was watching ER while munching lunch leftovers and it was the funeral for Greg :( so sad.

I don't like this Simon character at all, he reminds me of Gates but younger. Ick.

The pain is pretty uncomfortable at the moment, just doing simple things like walking around, even just a few steps, or standing.

I do feel stressed as things keep coming up that I don't feel well enough to cope with. Hopefully I can just keep putting it off, until it disappears..

I haven't been volunteering either. I go there sometimes but either there is noone queueing up or it's just relationship based and I am burned out on those.

It's just the same thing over and over. I was thinking of taking a break from blogging or not doing it daily but I don't really want to stop it.

I guess I'll see how it goes. Hopefully things will get easier and I can catch a break and some peace.

#BlogLife231 - Sleep, no sleep

It's a beautiful sunny, slightly windy day, here in the UK and I got in about 2pmish. 

I was having an impromptu lunch with mama. I gave her some cash for Mother's Day that is upcoming at the end of the month and she gave me the Amazon card I asked her to buy me, with my cash.

Plus I'll buy her dinner/lunch on the actual day. It was just a short impromptu meeting as she was busy and to be honest. I didn't feel that great.

I actually didn't feel hungry, just thirsty and I have been fighting nausea all morning, so I could only stomach a few bites and a few sips of fanta and then I packed the rest up.

I was going to order some pasta for tonight but the cafe is closed and I'm in a weird mood. I'm not hungry or thirsty or sleepy but I am at the same time.

Maybe it's overtiredness. As I was waking up hourly for some weird reason and I kinda forced myself to eat lunch so I just feel peckish and full all at once.

I don't usually make myself eat but I figured, I would start and probably the hunger pangs would come out, except this time it didn't.

My body feels knackered and I don't want to get up to get a nice icy beverage but I will. Hopefully that will settle my insides.

The sicky feeling has passed but I still feel a bit weird, could be bloatedness. I'm currently watching old episodes of ER.

I saw most of it when it first came out but some of it I missed out on. Even though Romano wasn't a nice person, I still liked his weird character, not his traits but how he was portrayed.

Frank the receptionist guy, was just as offensive but he seemed to get away with it more, instead of being reprimanded.

The Gates, Neela, Ray love triangle was odd. Gates just seemed like this whiny immature brat that was lost, he didn't seem her type but I guess if you think about it..

She was heavily grieving Gallant, who I absolutely loved and was gutted when he died. I don't really think I saw that properly.

Ray was a part of her past and maybe she wanted to start afresh without any guilt. The cringey part was when she visited him in hospital and she didn't seem apologetic, just sorry for herself.

I kinda understood the other girl blasting her but then that same girl, could have informed everybody that he was in hospital and needed support.....

Abby I sorta like but she is also indecisive and whingey. Sam is the same. I always liked Morris and Pratt and the Mark Greene character I had a soft spot for.

Jerry the other receptionist seemed sweet. Kerry was great because she was strong, mushy and fearless.

#BlogLife230 - Stripper hold music

I have never heard stripper music while on hold, waiting to make a payment before, that has to be a first.

The first time I listened to it, I burst out laughing. I guess they want to diffuse the tempers about being kept waiting but actually it wasn't that long.

I hate being in debt and although it's nice when my balance is full and bursting, I would rather it be halfway or less and my outstanding bills all be paid.

I grew up with people that encouraged me to take out credit cards and charge this and that payment, when they couldn't afford it outright and then struggled later on to pay the interest.

I just didn't want to be like that at all. I always tried to be cautious and budget properly. Of course there were times when I splurged and was careless.

Phone bills gabbing away or clothes that seemed to be a good investment for a long time. Generally though I was sensible and still am.

It's too easy to get caught up in a spending cycle. Everything seems necessary and important but when I step back. I realise.. Hmm this seems too much of a luxury item.

My carefree spending is probably foodie treats, some clothes, makeup at times, good quality bed linen and hair accessories.

I like cute things but I would never go ga ga because of a designer label. I zero in on the style.

#BlogLife229 - Discord distortions

The fragile itty bitty male egos are at it again. Just as I thought everything was brushed under the carpet, this drama is unfolding.

I am staying out of it because I couldn't care less but it's funny how it's spiralling.

I think I mentioned it before, that there was some tension. A misunderstanding and someone got his butt hurt that he wasn't looked up to and revered. 

I did try to make him feel appreciated and he said he didn't want people admiring him and yet, when noone pays attention, he throws a big tanty and quits the group.

He made this whole dramatic speech about leaving and then he was still lingering around.

I thought to myself, he doesn't want to go, he cut off his nose to spite his face and regrets quitting.

Now anyone else would say. Listen chums, I've been hasty and sorry I overreacted but at the time, I felt a bit persecuted, however now time has passed, I'm fine.

Can I rejoin? But this way, it's like people are making assumptions and making out like he was vilified and chased out the group.

If I was in charge I would have been peeved at the assumption but my friend the leader, sorta made things worse for herself by mistake.

I don't know if these people are kids or adults. My guess is 2 year olds according to their actions.

My questions would be......

1. Didn't you quit yourself?

2. If you think this group mistreats people, what are you still doing here?

3. What's changed that you're willing to return?

4. Don't you think you should clarify that you were hyper-sensitive and overreacted and noone is really at fault for your quitting???

But hey that's just me. Men are another subspecies. I reckon he's glad and wanted to people to just fight and say no no no, you belong here, stay, we need you (vomit).

Instead people said, it's your choice, take care of yourself, ta ta.

#BlogLife228 - Morning sickness

Morning all. I hope you're well rested for the weekend partying or chilling with your favourite indulgences.

I'm currently fighting these nauseated feelings. No no, not pregnancy related, just pmt/pms symptoms. I skipped last month and although I don't have cramps..

I have probably just jinxed myself. I just feel sickly as soon as I wake up. It's so hard to function and do anything as I have to keep pausing and doing deep breathing to steady myself.

I don't feel any hunger pangs but I have some wine gums and mini cheddars that were just delivered with my groceries.

I don't think I can even stomach those. I'm just drinking my icey sugar free vimto squash and enjoying that for now.

The weird thing is, I swear I took the heating off twice and I kept feeling warm but I assured myself it wasn't on..

Then I wake up and check the dial and radiator and somehow the damn thing was on. Grr.

I've just taken it off as it is warm at the moment. If I need to take the chill off later, I'll either put the heated blanket on or put the heating on low for a while.

Sometimes what happens is, I assume I have turned it all the way to the end but actually I haven't. That must have happened..

I bought more cupcakes. hersheys cookies and cream as I'm craving chocolate and sugar. It's a pack of 4 for £2 which isn't bad for a brand name and they are a nice size with generous toppings.

Yesterday I was trying to replace the template/theme but I didn't see anything that was suitable. I'll keep looking as I am a bit sick of the stars, even though it makes sense for an insomnia blog.

I was trying to be more open and experiment with a few other ideas but it just looks a bit weird.

Hopefully whatever I pick, you'll like it. I decided not to part publish the short story as I'm still not sure that would make me finish it.

At least while it is in drafts, it's haunting me....Saying finish me, woman, I want to live on your published blog!

#BlogLife227 - Mascara in the dark

No I am sad to say I haven't been doing any makeup challenges. If you think that's is why I titled it this way.

I just always wake up to find my lashes clumped as though someone was testing out beauty looks on my face.

Does anyone else experience that? It makes it difficult to put my lenses on so I normally cleanse my face first.

I have to apologise if some of my posts sound the same. I create them and then as I'm putting them down, I wonder if I've written this before..

But with 400 posts to go through, I don't always have the time to scroll back and check. It's bad of me, I know and I'm trying to be fresh.

However certain recurring themes are bound to pop up. I just hope I am adding a new twist or additional information to make it more interesting.

I was also thinking of doing something new. I just cannot seem to finish the short story I'm working on so I thought why don't I publish it as Part 1.

It just feels unproductive though as if I should complete it for you to devour. As that is what I usually do.

I haven't decided yet. It's in a different format and I kinda feel possessed when I'm writing.

My fingers are just tapping away and I'm thinking Oh, that isn't what we agreed, you're taking it that way?? Really?

Well you seem sure so I'll let you run with it.. You better be rght about this!

The one film I really want to see is the new Ice Age 5 or 6? I can't keep up but I always watch it with mama so I am saving it for later.

I thought it wasn't due until the end of the year or next but it's out and no matter how many times we watch it, we still laugh.

The first one is probably our favourite and we keep hoping they will do a version with the grown up kid, maybe finding his mama or partner or something equally quirky.

#BlogLife226 - What's new pussycat?

Afternoon all. It's freezing weather in the UK in the morning/afternoon but seems quite sunny later on. How is your week going?

Mine isn't bad. I'm still feeling quite a bit of aches and pains in my back but it's bearable, I can still walk around comfortably.

I've been applying a lot of heat to it and I'm hoping that it will subside soon.

I wasn't sure what to discuss today so I'll just do a ramble. I'm trying to use my face brush daily as my face is covered in dry patches.

I've had to start moisturising again as I don't really bother to be honest. I don't tend to need it with the hydrating products that I purchase on top of using the face brush.

At the moment though it just feels horrible to the touch, especially around my forehead, cheeks and the sides of my face.

I'm just trying to quickly use up the current face wash and then I'll go back the Himalaya brand or maybe try something else.

Oooh I'll get a new mask, that should help. I wasn't concerned about having a replacement as my skin was all smooth but now it's like this, I'll definitely stock up.

Yesterday was International Women's Day, did you realise? For me it always seem to be something.

I just think we should do as we always behave on a daily basis, respect people, be kind and thoughtful and try to support them whenever we can.

I haven't watched any new movies lately. I haven't seen anything appealing at all. I've just been watching old re-runs of Whose Line Is It Anyway?

I loved that show from the UK series, over to the USA format. It was always guaranteed to make me laugh, even at my lowest points.

Do you have a feelgood series like that? Some shows just bring back nostalgia.

I remember the late nights, staying up to watch Kids In The Hall and trying not to fall asleep because it was on really late and I was sleepy.

Original Charmed was Saturday nights and if I was in. I would get comfy and have my drinks and snacks on hand, excited to see what would unfold.

Even though I'm not into that supernatural malarky. I think I just watched it for Shannon, she was my favourite. 

I think it was the towing the straight line mostly but occasionally shaking loose and being rebellious, that I related too.

I was mostly a goody two shoes type of gal. Rarely in trouble but not wanting to be predictable and dull all the time.

I wanted to surprise people and be a lil daring at times, within reason, nothing crazy ha.

I've been testing a few games out, just for the gem rewards via Looney Tunes but they are really annoying to play.

I know the free games have to make the money back somehow but ads upon adverts is really disgusting.

Now you have to click 2 or 3 times to close the advert and then end it again. Ugh!!

I think they should just run continuous commercials along the top and the bottom of the screen and not interrupt the game play.

I would honestly prefer that. I know it would take up some of the screen but most of us have big screen smartphones and I think we can spare it.

Wouldn't that be better than having to wait 30 seconds for the dumb ads to be over??

#BlogLife225 - In love with love but not with you

I think because I always had such a creative mind, as speaking and expressing myself wasn't an option I was always romanticising scenarios.

I thought life would be this huge dramatic soap opera or film. It all seemed plausible when I was a lil girl, that you could have a bunch of friends and it would be equal.

Or that you could date and it would be a romantic adventure, not creepy, not scary but a respectful union between me and some hunky slab of beefcake..

Even though it took me a long time to start dating and get noticed by the opposite sex. I was still hopeful that it would work out in the end.

Perhaps I should have been more realistic and that way I would have had low expectations and been pleasantly surprised if it did turn out well.

I just feel like I attracted men that knew I wanted something meaningful and I was not that confident at all, so they tapped into it..

Lied and told me what I wanted to hear at the start to fool me and then their true colours came out and I blamed myself for not picking up on this pretend magic show.

Why didn't I see that they were just faking being nice? I have to cut myself slack because I'm not a mind reader. 

Only time reveals someone's true nature. After talking with the latest J. I came to the conclusion that I don't really want to fall in love.

I want (but don't need), some genuine friendships, with him, there was mixed signals and a bad parting. 

It lacked any warmth or good feelings and when he said "You talked a lot." That was a revealing rude eye opener.

I feel like he said that specifically because I wasn't interested in anything romantic. He seems to think he could coerce me into something else but I don't play games.

I just mention upfront that I'm not looking for a lovey dovey connection just companionship and he seemed to switch from being warm and attentive to aloof and a tad snarky.

The one good thing about being mistreated a lot is that you know the signs and language to look for and can recognise it and avoid getting too deeply involved. (Hopefully).

If you're wondering why I shared some of my health issues. I was already in pain and needed to sit down.

He wanted to go somewhere further and I just needed to rest up and get a drink, that's why I said I need somewhere nearby because I'm not doing so good and the reason why is.... I gave the most basic explanation with no real information.

That was a huge flashing red sign, that he was somewhat going through the motions and wasn't invested in my truths.

I was still censoring half of my life story but if someone isn't even interested in the basics, then why would I want to hang out with them??

I would rather someone say. "Thanks for opening up, that's probably difficult. I appreciate you sharing."

That's what I'm looking for. Not another person trying to tell me to be quiet and know my place. Screw that!!

My friendships with females have been rocky. It just always seems offbalance.

As though they respect themselves but not me. What I want, doesn't seem to get a look in, it's just their wants and needs and happiness.

The males just see me as this sexual plaything. I don't give out signals. I don't flirt but still, it's touching the leg, groping my chest, pinching my butt.....

How is that platonic friendship?? I guess the only safe place I have found to be friends with guys and gals is online.

It's easier for me to be detached and cold, when I'm not feeling respected back. I can just end it and not feel any regrets.

In person I just put up with it and let the resentment grow and just feel smaller and insignificant.

#BlogLife224 - Can you give yourself asmr?

I can give myself asmr by rubbing a gloop of grainy scrub in my fingertips or sliding my fingers over my headphones and hearing that wipey/glidey sound that I find relaxing.

No idea why but frictiony or beauty sounds put me at ease. It's weird that most artists started watching asmr before starting their own channels but now are asmr immune.

I think it's more about the de-stressing vibes that the content provides. Asmr is sound effects like tapping, gum chewing, weather, whispering.

I'm not a fan of tapping sounds because it's grating on my nerves and whispering is basically the same as you can't hear it properly even with the volume maxed up.

I don't know if it is the quality of the headphones but there must be a way to speak in a gentle manner and still be coherent.

I've got a whole playlist of Youtube, a mix of talking and non but only a handful of them, can I listen from start to finish without fast forwarding some of the unpleasant sounds.

It's either too quiet in places or there are loud noises thrown into a peaceful video, which throw off the relaxation...

I had a good weekend, during the week I was feeling a bit stressy and stiff so I gave myself a 30 minute massage with the cushion, got some decent sleep and now I feel refreshed.

I don't feel tired for once and the creative juices are once again flowing.

I think I just needed to vent and do some pampering to put me at ease and it worked :)

I hope your week is going smoothly. See you tomorrow, hopefully.

Oh I've also been watching Youtube vlogs and mukbangs but I prefer when the eating is in a more natural setting, where it's just a part of the day and they are talking normally, not hyping it up for the camera.

#BlogLife223 - Oversharing

Should you tell strangers everything? Should you tell them anything?

It seems to be common practice spilling your guts and having no filter but that can backfire.

Of course maybe it will lead to bonding or a better understanding.

It's completely up to you and whatever you feel comfortable with, just be aware of the games people play.

Either to gather information and exploit you for financial gain or for kicks or just to manipulate you.

I would consider myself somewhat an active member of our discord group but some people are very candid with their life stories.

I find it surprising to be honest but then I'm naturally reserved so that just seems over the top to me.

Selfishly speaking, I hate when the news is devastating as it changes the tone of somewhere fun and playful.

I'm not looking to be depressed or to pile on to an already stressful life.

I can be sympathetic but I'm not sure how much heart is in the sentiment, truthfully as I am already in another thread talking about this and that...

#BlogLife222 - I'm too alphette for you

If boys are alpha, what are girls? 

Alphette? Alphina? I've no idea.

All I know is that life shapes you, when you are young and impressionable.

I'm constantly aware of people's behaviour towards me and I try not to let them take advantage which is tricky because at times you want to think the best and give them the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe I've become too cynical, too tough because of it. I feel like I am stronger and more independent than any of the randoms I come into contact with.

Are girls/women supposed to remain soft and mushy forever? 

I guess it depends on the life you lead or what you have gone through.

Mine's been rough but then I compare it too some of the volunteer chats I've taken and yikes..... Nowhere close.

Where have I been?

Right here but I had no words in me. I felt depressed but only hormonally speaking.

I feel there was an extra surge, as I skipped last month and my head is still fuzzy.

I am at the point where, every lil thing I have to do is overwhelming me, so nothing is getting done.

No matter what I do and say to myself, I can't pull out of it yet. It's got a tight grip on me.

I had a takeout tonight, I really fancied a chicken and avocado panini and some cake and the bag felt so heavy.

As I was unpacking it, I found 2 whole cartons of soy milk...... Ha!!

Who orders a sandwich and soy milk, from a cafe? At first I thought it was a replacement but I got everything.

Even the cake was hugeee. I had a tiny bit and shoved the rest in the fridge.

I've noticed something weird about me. As soon as my mama said..

"Oh the trousers you bought were too big? You must have lost weight!"

I've been snacking more and eating unhealthy foods. Subconsciously I'm trying to put the weight back on.

Why??

A part of me, hates that my mama only seemed to accept me and be all smiley when I was slimmer.

It's been haunting me, that on all our shopping trips together, if something was the tiniest bit too small...

She was soooo damaging with her criticisms and it wasn't even the words.

It was the looks and the attitude. "Really, it doesn't fit? Ughhh."

It's like she wanted me to disappear completely. Not eat, just exercise 24-7 and yet when I became as obsessed with it, similar to her.

She said.. "Hey I'm watching you, eat something." I think the whole thing is *insert swear word* me off.

As she sees my bitchy cousins as ideals, when they aren't nice, decent or respectful, just because they are slim.

Whereas I, constantly trying my best to lead a good life and be polite.....

Arghhhhh. This should not still bother me but it bloody does! No matter what I accomplish.. It's like she has written me off as not a real woman/daughter..

You can call me tough on the outside but soft on the inside but that's not accurate.

I reckon I am purely a brick wall. That's why it's tough for people to get close because I don't want anyone weak around me.

I refuse to let their weaknesses infect me. It took forever to repair the confidence that everyone took away from me.

I don't want to be that insecure girl/woman anymore. I understand parts of me will be self conscious about certain areas like my body/intelligence but I can also see how far I've come.

It might be strange to be seen as an Island but it's oxygen to me.

I hope this makes sense. It turned rambly because normally I'll start and finish a post and be done with it, while it's still fresh but this one, I couldn't get any feeling behind it, so it was on pause.

I'm not sure I will post tomorrow. It was hard enough to write this one.

I'll just wish you all the best and hope that you have a delightful time over the weekend 

:)