#BlogLife664 - Happy Easter Bunny greetings

It's a bitterly cold day, it was raining earlier and overcast but now it's a bit brighter.

I'm waiting for the heating and heating blankie to kick in as it takes a while.

I did have a hot breakfast and haven't been feeling nauseated so that's good.

I've been trying to get through since yesterday to pay a bill but no-one is available and then today they cut me off, grr, just as I was first in the queue.

I'll try again after lunch as it is the Bank Holiday Easter weekend and everything will be shut until Tuesday or even later, who knows..?!

Oh just got through straight away, finally. Heavens above, the neighbours are having the loudest domestic, all day today.

I mean they stop to breathe, it all goes quiet, I have earbuds on, but the whole neighbourhood can hear them, when they resume.

Anyway ooh the eye drops finally arrived. I'm sticking to the brand Ocufresh as they seem the most helpful.

I find it weird that I specifically read the back and it said, can be used with contact lenses and now suddenly it says, it can't.

I'm supposed to remove them but I didn't know this and have been using them anyway and nothing has happened.

My lenses haven't melted or exploded so I will continue doing so, as I use them sporadically during the day and they soothe, pretty quickly.

Bulk buying was cheaper, so I bought 6 ha!. Worked out to £1.50 each instead of £3 for a bottle.

#BlogLife663 - Are you still eating that?

Afternoony all. How is your day going? Mine is slow. I keep waking up stupidly early and then waking up really late but at least I am sleeping so I can't complain too much.

I'm still munching on the breakfast burrito, it's not my favourite, I haven't tasted any veggy sausages and maybe it needed a sauce, like ketchup or mayo but I don't feel like adding one.

It would have been tastier with a fried not scrambled egg but it's something different from the normal so I'll keep eating it.

That local cafe does huge portions and they threw in a chocolate bar and popcorn again, which I'll add to Mama's bag to give to her as I wasn't keen on it.

I've finished My Life is Murder and Suburgatory, both shows were good but as she broke in and obtained illegal evidence without any search warrants I can't see how any of those cases stuck ha!

The next show that I hoped I would hate but I don't actually is Mr and Mrs Smith, two strangers who agreed to live together and pretend to be married, as spies.

I'm not really into the baddies as the main characters but the male actor seems kinda endearing well they both do and he seems smitten with her already, aww.

I have a feeling it's the same case scenario and premise of most spy shows, they think they are working for the good guys but are actually working for the evil ones.

I haven't seen the movie and I don't want too. I don't know if it's based on that, I can't comment, sorry.

Oh I've finally tasted the sausage, that puts the burrito in a much nicer fixture, they should have chopped up big chunks because that should have been the focus.

Not that I'm a cheffy but it feels like just egg on it's own, can't carry the meal.

#BlogLife662 - Am I hiding from you or myself?

Afternoony all! How did you sleep? I had a rotten night and morning, my stomach is lurching, there's some crampage and some nausea.

I'm sipping some drinks, waiting for my breakfast/lunch to arrive. I don't really feel like munching but I'm hoping afterwards I will feel more normal.

I decided to order a breakfast burrito, eggs, veggy sausages, cheese and avocado. I hope they toast the wrap.

I don't feel tired as such, just yucky and peeved. I skipped this month so the hormones and bloating are in excess.

I got my refund for the eyedrops and bought another batch from another seller, as this one is nearly finished.

I'm gonna re-cook the burrito, the eggs needed more cooking. I'm trying to be less cowardly and try out more veggy options.

Last night I got talking to another random. I can't even remember his name.

I think maybe it's been about a week or two and then he brought up the picture swapping and this one I didn't feel attached too.

I told him the usual spiel. I'm not someone who prances in front of the mirror and takes snapshots.

My eyebrows are still a mess, I've got no makeup on and my hair isn't washed.

He said.... Oh I don't care about that, just take a quickie one and send it.

I told him straight, it's never about what he wants, it's about what I feel comfortable doing.

Pffffft! As is they would do the same, well actually they might take a scruffy one, he attempted to send me his...

In the hopes I would feel so guilty I would return the favour. Purleasee.

I rejected it and told him, if he wants photos, then I'm sure the next girl he speaks too would have them in an abundance.

Take care. I don't want to be pressured or bullied into doing something, I've already declined.

If they question whether I'm female, I just offer to call them on private number and prove myself that way.

I have a feeling, the next time I'm at Mama's I'll take some or one.

Her room has lots of natural light and space. Plus I wouldn't be showcasing my place, privacy, privacy and more privacy.

#BlogLife661 - Fiverr - Cheap by name and nature

I can finally exhale now that the blog has had it's final alterations. I responded to an advert on Fiverr, a marketplace for humans selling web services.

This particular person had glowing reviews and was responsive so I thought great, the price was £32.74 altogether.

I wanted an image replacement on the theme/template, whatever you want to call it.

I wanted the title and description to have a clear colour and be readable to visitors.

I wanted the side bar menus to be a darker colour so that no-one had to squint anymore to peruse them.

I have no coding knowledge but I've looked certain things up beforehand and it all seems easy enough to accomplish for someone skilled in that area.

I'm glad that Paypal payments were an option. I rarely use my card if I can help it.

I explained my needs and the person had 24 hours to complete these simple changes.

If it's me, as soon as I am paid, I would get started and get enthusiastic about a project and give it my all, and then some.

They waited until close to the deadline, just under an hour and a half, while I was freaking out and stressing that I had wasted my money.

I feel they did the absolute bare minimum and called it accomplished.

I would be thoroughly ashamed of myself, if that was me. Where is your pride in your work??

I wasn't happy so I requested that the title and description be legible, which seemed self explanatory really.

Plus the fact that I paid extra! That was more or less completed but I'm not entirely satisfied.

I wanted the title to be in a different font style and the popular posts to be in a darker shade but for now I'm done.

However the whole experience was so draining, making that person an admin on my blog and giving them permission to do what needed to be done.

As someone that doesn't like to relinquish control, it was tough and aggravating to wait and wait and wait.

Unfortunately instead of being able to relax and smile that, the blog was finally in the hands of a professional, I felt sick to my stomach and foolish that I had handed money over to a stranger, that treated me as an afterthought.

I didn't feel valued. I felt like I had to babysit them. I had to keep checking the front page of the blog and seeing no progress made.

On the plus side, the picture fits my insomnia theme and that is why I chose it, similar to my twitter image.

They did do the work I commissioned for them and I feel better about my homepage but I can't escape this disgusted feeling..

Of being promised an ethical person and being a delivered a charlatan. I know that sounds harsh, when I'm partially satisfied but the stress was unbearable.

And what really sickened me was that the person at first gave themselves kudos, with a pat on the back, contribution note on my blog, without my permission and when the work was hastily unfinished. Ick!!

They subsequently removed it themselves but that just annoyed me even more. Doing the least amount of work and slapping yourself on the back, giving yourself praise? Yuck!

I love the colour purple and I didn't have to compromise and choose a modern cold theme, which most do and good for them but I find them sterile.

My personal blog I want to be warm and inviting. I want us to be cosy, while we chat and read and share.

I forgot actually that I wanted to have slimmer sides and for the blog to take up most of the page but I can live with it, as it is now.

Would I recommend Fiverr or the worker? No. You have one chance to make a first impression.

If you can't be bothered to make your mark and stand out and work hard to deliver outstanding results, then I can't respect you, sorry. 

You've lost my business and any hope for a glowing review.

#BlgLife660 - Chatty chicks watching flicks 9

I found two old shows that are interesting to pass the time with. Suburgatory about a teenager who relocates with a single parent and tries to find her place.

In one sense she's a strong character and not a barbie doll but in another sense, she's self righteous about other people.

If being shallow is their existence, then leave them be. If they want to remain closeted, how is it your business??

And this really bothered me, when the jock playboy said Can I touch your boob, just so that I can say I did?

To whom??? And she consented. I feel she just trashed her reputation and didn't seem into it.

I just felt that was weird and uncomfortable. But teenagers are not the smartest when it comes to physical stuff, I know I was naive.

The other show is My Life is Murder with Lucy Lawless, aka Xena, which I saw a lil as I was crushing on that guy that died, umm Hades? The baddie.

Anyway it's about an ex cop, who retires and becomes a prickly Baker and her former colleague ropes her back in as an occasional consultant to close cases.

I like mysteries because it's never the obvious suspect, well sometimes it is, but mainly it's the least prime person of interest..

I got talking to a random last night, surprise surprise, been doing that a lot lately.

But this time it was seemingly on a professional note. As he designs websites and I was explaining that my blog theme is a mess and needs a proper overhaul by someone that knows how to code.

He was like Oh just watch a tutorial pffft. Yea I tried, I'm not a designer/developer, I am a writer!

Anyway he recommended a site, where people either advertise for a job they need doing, or people create their own advert and explain their skills and you book them.

Everywhere I was looking said it would cost over a £100 to fix my site and as a cheapskate, I did not want to pay that for a simple job.

I don't think it will take long to fix the fonts and have everything clear.

I just don't know what to put as a front cover? It has to express it's a female blogger.

That it's a personal one and that I'm anonymous and complex. 

I'm also scared to hand over my login details to a complete stranger for them to do the alterations.

The site is called Fiverr.com and the advert quote was just under £30 which was my budget, I did not want to pay more than that.

I'm going to email them just to see if they can help, what they suggest I do and see what happens, even though I am petrified.

#BlogLife659 - I can't see you eyedrops

Yesterday I reported the eyedrops missing and I have given up because it's been nearly two weeks without any news.

Even though I really wanted them, customer service has been ignoring me but hopefully I'll get my refund.

That's why I like using Paypal as they have the buyer protection in place and you'll always get refunded.

I spoke to Mama last night, it's like all the gifts backfired, I'm kinda gutted about that.

The hand cream spilled, although she loves the scent from Sarah Jessica Parker.

Dawn was the name, then she didn't really love the Gardiners of Scotland fudge, preferred the Bon Bons brand.

Plus the chilli plantain chips, I assumed were savoury, were sweet and she's not keen, ugh.

The one thing she did enjoy was the After Eco dark almond nutty bar though, at least that's something.

I offered to get her some more essential oils as her sleep seems more interrupted now, she used to have no trouble.

And because the oils have multiple benefits and I've researched some of them, I can recommend them to her as an alternative remedy away from pills...

But she told me to wait until summer when it will be our joint birthdays, not on the same day but a week apart.

No sign of the Postie yet and I'm waiting for the electric toothbrush replacement heads as I am down to my last one.

Every three months, you are supposed to swap them out, I usually forget.

#BlogLife658 - Outsmarted vicious dog

Afternoony. How are you doing on this sunny, rainy, cold and warm day? In the UK it's always crazy weather.

I wrapped up and then it was warm, cold, warm and cold. I don't  feel really good today, I got home and was trying to take the rubbish out and promptly just threw up in it.

With a completely empty stomach. The pains just creeping everywhere and I feel really stiff.

Truth be told I barely slept. I went to bed maybe at midnight or just before and felt really sleepy but I couldn't drift off.

Maybe I had 2/3 hours, that's what it felt like to me. As soon as my alarm went off and I shouted at it, as I was just falling into a deep slumber.

I picked up some crisps, those dil ones, some Miranda orange and I wanted some chocolate or cake but nothing appealed to me so I left it.

I would have been home sooner but I actually missed the bus while it was right in front of me.

It snuck in front and I thought it was the one due, ugh. actually the next one was early so it wasn't too bad.

There is a really vicious barking dog, that yelps at anyone passing by aggressively as though it's going to jump over the fence..

It freaks me out every time I walk by. It's sending me into panic attacks, I was dreading coming home but something occurred to me.

On the other side of the street is parked cars, so I crossed over and it didn't see me, no barking.

Crikey that is what I will do from now on, to save me having a heart attack.

I just got my food from the local cafe and they put more freebies into it, a chocolate bar and some Popchips popcorn.

I might give that to Mama, I'm not sure, she likes that kinda stuff.

How can they afford to give bonus goodies away? Ha. I'm starting to feel better but really exhausted.

It's funny, my skin is really breaking out but only on the left side, I haven't tried the new mud mask yet.

I'm trying to be patient and not open every new thing that arrives straight away.

#BlogLife657 - If you don’t want to talk, don't!!

I gotta admit, I'm miffed at the moment. Irish guy is playing games and I'm fed up of it.

I'm not sure why and frankly I don't care.

But talking has become aggravating. He initiates the start and then buggers off.

If I step away to get a drink or munchies, I'll say be right back or I've returned from the kitchen. 

He gives no explanation. Oh wait he said he fell asleep..

But I'm starting to feel like there is something more to it.

If I'm in an isolating mood, I might read messages but I won't feel the need to respond.

I don't want to go through the motions and be aloof or abrupt.

Whereas men play games and are friendly one minute and blanking you the next.

I unfriended him as I feel he is wasting my time.

I'm not having anymore stop/start conversations. 

Find someone else for that nonsense. I'm an adult. I ended up blocking him, I don't want people in my life, that act like they don't want to be, as if they are pressured into chatting, pfft.

I just tried out Syps, a sugar free carbonated beverage, lemon and lime I think it was.

I don't know if there were any other flavours but it's not sweet or sour, no aftertaste, a good amount of taste, fizzy and I like it.

But for 330ml and costing £1.50 I think it's overpriced. The appeal was it being a single can and that I wouldn't over-indulge.

I tried Iceland's Easter cupcakes, not a fan, the ones they had prior were amazing.

I also tried some mango dried fruit, the flavour is fine once you bite into it, but it's tough and chewy. 

I hoped it would be a lot softer, I wouldn't buy it again. I'm annoyed that my eye drops haven't been posted yet.

It's been over a week now, normally after a few days it's in the mail but in a few days I can report it and probably get a refund grr.

I'm on my last bottle and my eyes are horribly dry and tender so I use the drops all day sometimes.

I'm currently munching Galaxy's mini hazelnut truffle eggs, I think it was £1.25 for a tiny bag but I don't mind.

It's a sorta hard shell and soft truffle inside, a good flavour of nuttiness. 

Nothing really compares to the Ferreros in whatever form they take though, tablet, regular, mini eggs, it's a superior taste.

Although the toblerone minis aren't bad, I haven't seen them in a while though, apparently there is a truffle version, I wouldn't mind getting that.

#BlogLife656 - Running behind

Hmm looks like there is some sort of backlog with the local Posties as the rest of Mamas gifts and the oils, mask and eye drops I ordered should have arrived earlier in the week.

I'm waiting for today's one to arrive before I have breakfast but no sign of him. 

I gave up on him and had cheese toasties, lovely and melty to warm me up.

Last night I tried Iceland's version of the vegan nuggets, not bad, just a lil dry, I also bought the Quorn version.

The Quorn one is heaps better, it tastes more authentic, it just needs cooking for longer, maybe 25 minutes instead of 20.

I didn't see that many vegan options to be honest. I still don't know what is appealing as I have no cravings.

I know what I don't want. Anyway I watched the latest episode of Tracker, which was great as usual, the next one is in 2 weeks time, boooo.

My Irish buddy left me a voice message and I should return the favour but I ramble and go blank, I'd probably sound mumbly or something.. Eeek.

Instead I just type a reply. It made me laugh that he passed out early and still woke up late for work, ha!

And that he likes my voice/accent. I checked the mailbox to see if there was any packages but nopeee :(

Me and Mama said we're gonna go for pedicures next month and I hope that the eyebrow beautician is back, my brows look so gross.

I can manage to tidy them but I can't reshape them, the way they do it.

There is no way I would do a picture with caterpillar nasty brows ickity!

Ooh finally the mud mask and essential oils came, it's like the sun came out and the Postie returned, well not the regular one, the parcels one.

The mask has such beautiful packaging, it smells like maybe bath salts or something, it's nice.

I can't wait to try it and the oils are wonderful, just sprinkled some lime and orange around, lush.

#BlogLife655 - I uninstalled all messengers because of you

I think when I was a lil girl, the thought of dressing up and posing and wearing multi coloured wigs or bright shoes or pulling silly faces seemed fun.

When the weight piled on, I no longer felt like everyone else, I felt awkward and different, a million eyes on me, judging my every action.

I never felt big, it was everyone around me, don't eat that, Oh you've gone up another dress size..

Hmm, have you noticed how slender and beautiful so and so is? You could be the same, if only you didn't eat so much...

I'm proud of my healthier lifestyle, the steady weight loss but I still feel somewhat icky about myself.

The thought of photographs is disgusting to me. All men seem to want is to send and receive nonstop pictures which I can't stand.

To me, before meeting up one is enough. To say cooee, full transparency, this is me.

I don't see the need for more, you know what I look like now, the date has occurred.

I'm not sending revealing pictures, don't send them to me, I've blocked my phone from incoming and outgoing photos.

I don't want to see your tinky winky, alright? Get the picture? Or rather, you probably won't.

I know maybe I should change my perception, take a million pictures, get used to it, see it in a different light...

Make a challenge out of it possibly? I just don't see it enriching my life.

I think it's just something I'm strongly averse too. It would take me firing off a million pictures to find an image of myself that was tolerable.

I make my peace with it. I won't send a snap of myself until it's absolutely necessary.

I recently got rid of a random solely because, he was fine and funny but obsessed with seeing me.

It turned into a nag so I told him it's off-putting and I'm really uncomfortable so the more he backed me into a corner, the more I would just not want to talk to him.

And the final straw was when he said Watch your attitude and I thought I'm being honest with you and because it's not what you want to hear, you're being defensive and rude, so I said thanks for your company and you'd be better off with someone else.

I almost felt bullied towards the end and I need someone patient who will let me go at my own pace, when I feel relaxed.

He didn't think I was going to cut him off but I reach a breaking point as everyone does.

It felt like two seconds later, I reacquainted with another random who said, You've got this no nonsense, unapproachable way about you.

But he wasn't saying it in a rude way, just in a direct way, which made me laugh because it's mainly true.

There is this harshness where I weed out undesirables and look for intellect and humour and someone that can match my wackiness without accusing me of being drunk or high or crazy.

I'm just trying to have moments of silliness away from the constant pain, exhaustion and helplessness I feel during most of the day.

I want to forget the stress and have a giggle and I expect whoever I'm talking to, to match the energy and wit and if they don't, it's bye bye.

So we ended up having a microphone chat and he has the loveliest Irish accent.

Some words are a lil hard to understand but for the most part we got the gist of each others ramblings.

I just clarified that I'm particular about who I converse with, as I've had really great chats and I'm not going to suffer through a bad one, what is the point??

#BlogLife654 - Skirting around the subject..

I'm thrilled the 2 skirts I ordered just arrived, one black and one blue. I just had a feeling they would sell out first.

The fishtail bottom is like a swirly design, it's totally plain and not my preference but at least it has a feature to it.

I was so nervous about the fit, but they are the perfect length for a shortie like me and it isn't too loose or too tight, just perfect with wiggle room.

Oh and the best bit is the thickness, for ages all I've seen is thin loosey goosey designs but I wanted more of a fitted look, even though I'm plus sized and have a few stone to lose, mainly three.

The truth is part of me is ready to be more presentable, to get date outfits.

I feel kinda ready to get to know a guy and then if he seems normal and respectable, to eventually take the next step and meet him in person.

Talking of randoms I blocked MM/S last night because I think looking back I probably told him all my insecurities about my looks, weight, image, intelligence...

And he thought it was amusing to assassinate my character in one swoop.

When he was nice he was pleasant but there was an underside to him that was condescending, if he talked he spouted subjective facts and in his mind, his word was law.

No deviating opinions counted but I still argued with him because I had something to say on the matter, that differed from his God-like views.

What cemented it for me because although I enjoyed his company for the most part.

Was that he resented being held accountable for his disrespectful behaviour.

It physically angered him to apologise for being cruel. To be honest that surprised me, that he was like that. But I heard it in his tone and after that he stopped speaking to me.

That turned out to be a blessing in disguise because I managed to go over everything and realised he wasn't a good guy after all.

Plus he was impatient to meet up and I knew I wasn't ready. I suspected that I needed more time to mentally prepare myself.

He kept being kinda cold and unfeeling and saying thoughtless remarks and then admitting he was frustrated and that I was playing with his mind.

When the truth is I'm naturally scared and nervous due to my violent dating history.

It's been physically and emotionally abusive and that's not something that disappears, it lingers.

My brain says, be careful be careful, trust no one. My body says...... Come on just a lil huggy, maybe a peck, what harm could it do???

There is always these conflicting thoughts. But once again you can't just lash out for the sake of it.

You can vocalise your unhappiness but why scar someone else?

Why not empathise and think, hmm well if I'm patient and kind, maybe she will change her mind and meet me sooner, instead of, let's make her feel bad and then she will be as miserable as I am.

I was actually going to tell him, that this month or next I was prepared to see him but then he opened his big mouth and I saw his true nature emerge....

Yesterday part of the Mama's Day surprises arrived, the nutty chocolates went down well, especially as they were low fat and not super sugary, which is what she prefers.

The fudge she didn't enjoy as much, she doesn't like chewy, more waxy crumbly. The homemade stuff but I was attracted to the unusual reusable tin.

The rest of it, the Sarah Jessica Parker Dawn hand lotion, the chilli plantain chips, which I've never seen before.

I've ever seen sweet or salty and she likes spicy things, seemed like a great bundle of treats, should arrive this week.

For me yesterday I felt like treating myself, so I got chicken sushi, this chocolate torte slice and praline chocolate.

I managed to order another face mask as the other one is running low from Eclat.

Oh my skin is back to normal now, no more dryness, yay. I also got a batch of eye drops that amounted to just over a pound each.

Lastly I'm also running low on essential oils, so it was just under a tenner for four of them.

Peppermint, Eucalyptus, lemon and I thought I would try orange and lime as citrus just makes me happy, with that fresh uplifting scent.

#BlogLife653 - Are you tasty? Ummm...No..

I don't know if I added this or not but I bought the Linda McCartney veggie mozzarella burgers.

It was 2 inside for £2.50 and I don't really like her products but I wanted to experience different brands.

As I expected it was on the dry side as all her stuff tends to be unfortunately and it just had huge globs of cheese in it, which just put me off.

I don't recommend it but at least I experimented a bit, I'm gutted Iceland still doesn't have the Quorn vegan bacon and chicken pie in stock, I hope it's not discontinued.

I still feel put off by most foods so buying groceries remains a challenge.

What's happening with the non vegan stuff is that I'm eating a quarter or half and binning the rest and I hate wasting food.

I just can't stand the flavour after a while. I took out a weeks Prime trial.

Did a bit of research, read some reviews and settled on the latest 2024 budget earbuds.

They were £20 but I paid £16 including the £1 for Prime. It made me laugh that they wanted a further £2 for same day delivery.....

Ahem I have Prime, it should have been free!! I could pay an exorbitant cost but they would probably still only last about a year or 6 months.

I don't see the point. I just want calls to be clear, the battery to last all night.

A button to press to switch it on and off, fast charge, would be great to have multi device connections.

And a really long distance so that when I'm in the kitchen, it doesn't switch off.

Oh and the latest bluetoothy, it's coming tomorrow and so are the groceries.

Also with Prime I can allocate deliveries for Sunday, which in the UK is Mama's day.

And I preferred things arriving on the special day. I can get her some more fudge, maybe some drinks like ginger beer and possibly scented cream.

I'm not getting the drinks, she is more into hot beverages these days but I did see Sarah Jessica Parker hand cream 100ml for £9 which is cool.

Plus I have never ever seen chilli plantain chips, I think she'll like that.

Got some dark chocolate and almond bar and lastly a tin of fudge, ha she'll hate me for the sugar content but she will also relish it.

Just saw some fishtail skirts, one in blue, one in black, they were about £12 each and another £2ish pounds for postage.

It just looks like a kickflare plain skirt but great for a night out or a date.

I don't have many skirts but those I do, all seem too baggy so I'm hoping these are more tailored to me.

#BlogLife652 - I'm hurting you but I'm joking.. Get over it!!

Song of the day - Natasha Bedingfield - I Bruise Easily

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAOdlgFJDAI

I know I've posted this song of the day multiple times, it just fits today's theme so well.

Plus with the tiredness and the cramps, I don't have it in me to search for another one.

I've had my cheese toasties, got my sugar free lemon squashes to sip on, have the anti nausea in the background, hopefully all that will help.

What is the title about? The regulars will know there is one consistency about me and that is I attract bastards, emotional and physical men that seek to tear me down and make me feel small and unhappy.

Most of them think, I can say anything I want but add the tag #JustJoking and that makes it acceptable.

As I'm hormonal, I feel particularly sensitive at the moment but overall, I look for the warning signs of how men treat me and if I see/hear/feel something consistently that I don't like, I will leave.

For some reason yesterday MM/S just decided to continually "joke" around about my weight, intellect, sanity all day.

Certain things, I will always take to heart, I don't like my body, I never really have so that's a button pusher.

I never feel as smart as anyone else, that too, is not something to kid around with.

I know I can be smart with certain subjects but others I feel I lack knowledge.

Anyway he kept saying things like..... You shouldn't eat, you should diet and slim down to a proper size.

You're going to crush me with your weight, Your area is known for not being clever..

Have you just returned from seeing your psychiatrist?

You're bigger than I am.... On and on he went and he didn't really apologise until the very end.

I was more angry or fed up with it, than hurt, although residue will always sink in and make me feel low about myself.

I decided to turn the tables. I wrecked his head. I thought hmm, you want to make fun and laugh at me??

Be prepared to deal with the consequences. I could have called him an ass, a bastard, a fool, an idiot.

Well the last one I did but I thought it's much more gratifying to teach him a lesson.

Maybe he will learn from it and maybe he won't and if he doesn't, then I'm disappearing.

I decided to just hold off on affectionate niceties, I turned cold and frosty.

So eventually it got to the point where he thought, wow, she's writing me off, she wants nothing more to do with me...

And still I didn't feel he was genuinely apologetic, I felt he was going through the motions to have an easy fix.

He called me 3 times, the first 2 I ignored on purpose and he was so shocked.

The last time I answered and he gloated saying Ha I win. Instead of saying, I was acting like a prick, I won't do it again, I'm sorry I hurt your feelings, can I make it up to you??

There was a begrudged sorry and I was hardly speaking, just clipped answers, long bouts of silence, which is not like me at all.

To hammer home the point, that you can't treat people like crap and get away with it.

I like the fact that he turned it on me and said I was being harsh to him lol.

Oh and the other huge thing that is grating on my nerves, he keeps accusing me of being married, constantly, meaning I'm lying to him and untrustworthy.

Which is very disrespectful. It makes me think he is projecting and has a guilty conscience of not being single himself.

I always feel like if you are that ready with the criticisms, there must be a grain of truth in your brain thinking, she's a whale, she's unattractive, why do I want her???

Now ultimately I know that I'm continually working on myself, trying to be more confident, trying to be healthier, so I'm proud of myself, proud of my accomplishments.

I just have to be cautious about who I let next to me......

Yea I don't feel guilty at all. 

I need to get some new earbuds, the BX17 are only lasting a short while now, less than an hour.

But none of them seem to be clear when making calls, I can hear them perfectly, but I sound distorted to them.

The whole point of headphones is so that I can reduce using my hands, they are literally killing me holding the phone.

Reviews are always mixed, it's so hard to tell what is good and what isn't.

#BlogLife651 - Who does my face like?

It's been a few days now and I've stopped using the Skin Expert face wash, due to the extreme dehydration it caused to my face.

I'm improving but there are still dry patches. The Delia White radiance gel I paid just over a fiver for.

Is a small 150ml bottle, I was a bit miffed the lid is broken, I can't pump it and have nowhere to transfer it too.

I just open the lid lead and grab the excess from that and apply it. It's clear a medium thick gel and smells weird.

I don't like the strong scent, I can't place it but it's offputting. It's really lovely and soft on the skin, you feel this immediate moisturising effect.

It's really helping, maybe I would try a different version and hoped it had a better fragrance.

The Neutrogena moisturiser is also helping, it's light and refreshing.

Something has been bothering me. I just feel it's important to say.,

Please don't let anyone tell you how to feel. If you're upset or sad or angry, don't let someone dictate your emotions.

That really annoys me. I need to process these feelings, I don't care in that moment if they are negative.

What that person doesn't get is that, this is my path to feeling better.

I have to purge all the angst out, I have to express that I feel hopeless or lost and right at that particular moment, there is no silver lining.

I don't feel things are going to improve and that is fine!!! Because I'm being honest. I'm being vulnerable and raw.

And it's healthier to say all these things instead of keeping it to myself!

Rant over. Ugh had a mini freakout, there are a lot of dogs around here and one was barking so loudly, I thought it got loose and was chasing me.

It didn't but oof was glad to be inside, I think I was chased by or cornered by one and ever since then, I freak out.

Anyway on a positive spin, my vest top came today, it's just plain black, v neck, thin straps but it feels almost satiny.

I didn't realise it was going to be so nice, it just covers my rear, I think which is nice and long and I'm going to use it as a slip.

I don't have any actually. It was just under a tenner with postage but I'm ok with that, as it's lovely and fits loosely.

Ooh salmon avocado sushi is on it's way and the other purple top should get here before 4pm.

I really want to nap, cramps and nausea today, pmt sucks!

Ooh just got the new top, it's not as salacious but not as expensive looking either.

I definitely need a top underneath, I'm ancient now, gone are the flashing days, I'm not showing my twins to everyone.

It fits loosely though and I'm happy it's a new look for me :)

#BlogLife650 - My phone blocked him... Oopsie

Song of the day - Ayo Girl - Jason Derulo/Rema 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S-jpuYFo4KA&list=WL&index=51

A new random, I think his name is MM, real name S and I got talking last night which migrated to nearly an all night call.

Until at least 5am and then he fell asleep or claims he didn't and I crashed soon after.

I almost forgot I had to get up early for the couriers. Luckily they came a bit later on, my face wash and Marks order came.

I'm still waiting for the two tops to arrive, I'm sure the Postie hasn't been for 2 days because of the rain..

Anyway I witheld and called but it was a funny chat and his voice was alright so I decided to share it.

I couldn't work out how to remove the 141 that hides the number so I told him and he wrote it down.

My battery was at 6% and I said text and will respond in 2 hours or less when my phone's charged.

But what I recalled was that sometimes when someone texts you and your phones off, the message doesn't deliver.

While it was about halfway through, I briefly switched it on, replied to his text and then turned it back off to get it to 100%.

I didn't realise in this space that he would be trying to get in touch.

He was getting ready and heading out to see his family. I found it so funny, that when I finally switched it on, he called but I didn't recognise the number so I ignored it lol.

Then I looked it up and I think I called him back and he said, you blocked me, didn't you, that's before I even used your number.

I couldn't work out what he was talking about. I said my phone's been dead, I told you this, it's switched off when charging, always because otherwise it's on the rest of the time.

He said he called me a few times and each time, it said You're blocked!!

I thought that was hilarious, my phone was being overprotective.

I actually checked to see if his number was on the block list but no he wasn't.

I asked him if he mis-dialled and he said No, he double checked haha.

I've never had that experience before. The only thing that slightly irks me, is that he is one of those Doctor lovers.

LIke everything he reads or watches because a Professional said it......Omg they know everything so it must be true.

Symptoms aren't black and white, they are not the same for everyone, Doctors know very lil,

I don't appreciate being told I'm not this or that because I don't have everything laid down precisely.

I know what I do and don't have, been suffering with it most of my life, so kindly educate yourself on people and human behaviour!!

Actually maybe I sorta like that his opinions differ to mine because I know he has a strong will, is not just something that agrees for the sake of it.

We navigated through some challenging chats already just because we had talked so much in a short space of time.

Normally people would spread it out over weeks and we did it in days lol.